JayDee

Great to see it showing up here! @InBrightestDay sent me through the chapters previously and I sent ‘em some feedback, which I think they passed on. Possibly not the tangents about how there could be a fresh donut store. For anybody else looking at this I highly recommend the story! It has Best Girl, Chun Li. I’ll get around to re-writing the feedback I sent IBD as reviews at some point.

Herd of Grimaces. Make Big Macs out of her.

Dat mass tho

Feral catgirls.

Feel free! It didn’t realise when I wrote the idea, but I’ve realised today it was probably subconsciously inspired by the video to the Crash Test Dummies cover of The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead, only without the happier ending. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLt60MUv7AU

The Dad has a secret evil side of his soul that emerged and killed the Mom After ignoring warnings from the Prophet Gloria “The Rythm” got her. “Your Mom died young” is actually code for “Your mom ran away with a woman who didn’t treat her like shit.” “Son… it was the shits. Just up and crapped herself to death one day. We had to move the farm house a mile after filling in the privy didn’t clear the air, but it wasn’t enough. The miasma is still spreading. The country becomes uninhabitable. A rag tag group of heroes tried to fight it but ended up gagging and fleeing.” The Mom accidentally choked to death on horse semen trying to win a drunken bet “Fucking. Elves.” “Fucking elves.” “Fucking Elvis. Fat boy just crushed her to death. Nobody knows where he came from. Talked of a weird world where he was King.” “Son… it was your father who was dying, but I wanted you to have a strong male influence so I took a potion to make me a man. Mistakes were made. Anyway, it’s wearing off...” ATM did it. She caught an infection through a mouth ulcer. The village constables caught her wearing a fursuit and hanged her. The headpiece popped right off, so they had to string her up again. tl;dr No, no ideas at all.

Whore of Heaven Thank you for the parts 2 and 3 reviews as well! I feel like Molly and Shondra’s jokes may slip into so bad they’re good territory if they’re earning chuckles! At least Bernice’s soul is safe – straight on up to paradise to harangue the angels who aren’t helping (InBrightestDay wrote a story with that too!) I’m glad Eparlegna came across as more than just one note! Things do get pretty bad for Luzurial here, but there’s some light at the end of the tunnel. Just not in chapter 3… Looking back at the start of chapter 3 I absolutely see what you mean. I suspect it’s a combination of it being one of my longer stories by that point and me running out of ideas, and him just being impatient to get brutal at that point after Molly and Shondra had done their thing. Torture stuff absolutely isn’t for everyone – and anything with the cervix is gonna be fairly wincey for sure. Glad it didn’t ruin the rest of it for you! Thank you again! As for the rervised ending, although I wrote the lines it is entirely to fit in with the sequel which is so good I had to adapt the ending for it to be ‘canon’. I really appreciated getting the recent reviews.

“How’s Abdul?” “He went after you and he’s in pieces.” “Ah, my wounds don’t look that bad do they? Luzurial healed me?” “No, he walked into the Lego Trap. He’s literally in pieces.” Makes a lot of sense! I do wonder if Kizzy after spending time amongst mortals would be less fast to sacrifice them. I mean, except Drew. Working with the mortals there was great, I think everyone’ll like the champion and there’s always a nice action moment when the tank kicks in! We had a discussion about this as I recall. You: Just remembered this. What’s that about? Me: *Looking baffled and slightly scared, poking Whore of Heaven with a stick* I… don’t know. The possibilities are endless! Lupa: “Who the fuck brought a one-legged man to an ass kicking contest?” *Sees Luzurial glare* Lupa: “...is what I heard those cabrons over there say.” Kevin: “I’m going put my foot right up your ass! And leave it there, to give my sump a break!” Definitely think you made the right choice. Hell, you could probably even fit in some stories during the year where she has caused to do her job around Kevin. Especially if he found himself in suipernatural hijinks – gonna be some Eparegna fans out looking for revenge etc etc! Whoohoo!

Whore of Heaven Thank you for the review! It’s always great to get some feedback on old stories. I’m glad you liked the writing style! I totally get where you’re coming from with that line. It’s,uh, Her awesome breasts were revealed in their entirety for the first time, perfect unblemished mounds of flesh, tipped with dark brown areola and large nipples. it’s more than a litty cringry really. But it is possibly one of the lines that persuaded @InBrightestDay that this was their type of character, so I’ll just take a minute to promote their just-finished follow up story The Woman in the Statue that not only goes into great, better-written detail about what happens next to Luzurial after this story, but also takes a brave brief stab at explaining the somewhat skimpy outfit. The meta-reason for the outfit is that the original person who requested I write an angel story, provided a picture with a similar outfit for what they’d liked to see and I never really stopped to think, “Well, this ain’t so pure...” Thank you again! I hope parts 2 and 3 are not disappointing.

Generally positive! Healing! Fingers crossed it all works out.

Democracy in action is quite the sight. Don’t often get turnouts like that!

Ack, poop. My Bad! When I repurposed the commentary for the review I thought I’d snipped out the all the stuff about the second half and where it could be split, must have missed some. Sorry ‘bout that! “He’s some kind of monster in disguise...” Eparlegna: *Slides on MAGA hat* “I knew it!” ...what? They’re both fuckin’ terrible losers. Over on the Deathstalker forum: *Eyes narrow* “This guy’s all right…” It all works. I think that pelvis breaking crotch punch has been around for a long old time – there’s some where guys get pelvis breaking crotch kicks too. Just get their balls knocked up into their stomaches. Turned right into hobbling eunuchs. I’ll do the alternate scenes anthology! Kevin ignores the statue at the start! Kevin goes to the dark side at the lecture theatre! Abdul can’t think of a funny line! Calistia meets Cadence! Student steals pen, sells it on ebay! But, yeah, me being me aside, the way ya did it was awesome. Amazing. Just fucking great. You build on the discussed ideas and find the best way to do ‘em! Now that’s creative talent. Also, so glad at this point I didn’t keep the original Jude’s Tale title. I really did enjoy how you gave his “just being a dick” move at the end of WoH an actual power-move purpose. Coulda been worse. At least it wasn’t a villain song! Thanks! I am looking forward to reading it again in it’s final form

Can’t say it bothers me either, let folks do what they want I always say! Fun ideas! I’m probably gonna be going back to my “assuming I’ll never finish anything again” mode shortly though

I remember how you read just enough of Mike’s debut to decide you really hated that fucker, and then finding out he went on to have a scale model of Luzurial’s suffering in his bedroom, well… yeah. Dropping him was right! Heh, I’m going to go add a link at the end there, something like “to see his luck run out check out The Woman in the Statue!”

...wow. I guess I haven’t scrolled down that far for a while. It’s dusty down there. Got that story with the devil horse. Probably not gonna try and tie that one into the k-team stories. Thank you! Massively appreciate you pointing this out to me! Have keyed the evenhanded and Tommy looking at his own ass corrections :D

From Thundercloud on November 01, 2020 @Thundercloud Thanks for the review and detailed thoughts! I’d settle for one or two a year like this too In a sense I have been working on this for ages – the original flashfic version (Which started with Bradley and a drunken, lecherous, asshole, version of Tommy supposedly arriving at a reststop to buy drugs but really so Bradley could murder Tommy for his demon master) must be five or six years old, but I didn’t like how it came out. InBrightestDay suggested it would work better with Kate than Lupa and I’d say that’s absolutely right, so with the basic plot worked out over ages of thought it was a simpler thing to smash it out for Halloween. Although, due to leaving the final draft so late some errors slipped through. Like that evenhanded one. And Hahahaha, aw fuck. Yeah, the line “ He looked over Tommy instead;” should abolutely be “He looked over Reuban instead;“ I mean, he’s not gonna check out his own ass. Definitely a downside of the system here we cannot edit added chapters on the multi-story things. Ain’t fair to keep bugging George to do it. I’ve edited the original rtf anyway Glad you liked Reuban. He’s a good looking guy! Thank you! My one regret is leaving it so late I didn’t have a week or so to wait and re-read before posting. Ronnie’s gone all bambi’s-first-steps legs on Reuban there, so it made sense to have him holding her up. Glad it all worked for ya! Thanks again! “There’s something strange about this girl…” *Sees the unshaven arms and legs* “Dear god! A Hippie!” Can never have enough gory werewolf stories! They might not contact her about the case – no doubt they’ll find a reason to contact her about other things if they’re less professional :p Thank you! It is very kind of you

Some dudes’ll stick their dick in anything. This coat creaks, I dunno what to tell you. Maybe it’s less plasticked on account of being home-tanned and stitched from skins of game she ate, or got some weird magic woven in it from her kit-making Succubus friend, maybe it’s thick and not oiled enough! I don’t have a whole lot of experience with leather trenchcoats, but one I have heard creaked enough the dirty fucker would use it to cover fart noises. Oh! The old early 90s thing, right? I don’t think that I saw that, but I’m sure I’ve seen at least clips because I’m sure I remember the Winona Ryder bit. So maybe it did get a forgotten influence from there, but I think I just thought something Halloweeny. If I ever do a Halloween story set in 2020 it can be a 12 foot home depot skeleton boning. I was thinking you were talking about this recent documentary which I’d seen advertised but sure I hadn’t watched, and assumed a trail cam must have caught someone fucking a pumpkin or something. Can always hold onto the scenes you’ve written and re-tool them for something else! Violence: The re-usable resource! Hey, you coulda done it for Halloween party like 5 years ago when there were tons of entries! :p I kid, I kid. It’s cool you finally got the chance to write it.

From GeorgeGlass on November 01, 2020 @GeorgeGlass Thank you for the review and detailed thoughts! I hope the pacing was about right and it’s cool to hear it rewarded a second read. Sorry about this. I had a lot more “said Bradley” “Said Tommy” originally, and then cut it back probably too far. I guess as it is I could argue they both sound really similar as dudebro types but it’s never good to unintentionally cause clarity issues for a reader. “C’mon, man, I live here. The women don’t wear bras. I see tits all day.” “Yeah, but look at this fireheaded ghost-looking girl’s pierced’ns.” “...Nice.” If it is, then it isn’t intentional! I’m not sure what version of Night on Earth had a pumpkin get fucked. I just think of the nature doc. Of course, it’s possible I did encounter this and forgot Townie over there’s got a multi-volume little black book Ronnie, too, she’s only going out the room to give Tommy some space with Shannon, otherwise they’d probably have to peel her off with a crowbar. Thanks! Go nuts! Like somewhere in his hindbrain a little voice is going “Two legs good, four legs bad, ok, but this one has two even though it feels like four somehow, oh grandma what big teeth you have...” I think we only ever saw him shoot one rapist in the dick, but I like to think there was a lot more of it off camera! Ack! For the second one it should be “or even barehanded”, because Tommy’s enhanced strength makes him fairly lethal even without all the muscles, but it won’t let me edit chapters now. I should have waited a week and re-read it before posting Thanks for pointing it out. For the ‘creaked heavily’ this is a phrase I’ve seen quite a few times (cliche alert!) to refer to the creak of wood or newer/stiffer types of leather to indicate it’s a deeper/base creak as opposed to the higher pitch creak of metal eg with an un-oiled hinge. At least, that’s how I’ve taken it to be used – it is entirely possible I’ve had a misunderstanding in which case I should probably have used ‘creaked loudly’. Another reason for her sitting so quiet and still, stopping it creaking out of noise-avoiding habit Thanks for pointing both of these out! General rule of thumb is if a sentence I’ve written doesn’t make sense it’s going to be an unintended rather than intended nonsense. Thanks! I was trying to fit a snake eyes roll in somewhere with the general snakiness, and that was pretty much my last shot at it. Glad it came off as a phrasing – I guess I didn’t crap out on that one! Thanks again to you, and the other folks, for the reviews. Always appreciated!

From InBrightestDay on October 31, 2020 @InBrightestDay Thanks for the review! Yeah, it’s gone from under 1000 words to just over 5k, and I threw away most of the wording from the original too – No Lupa here, no rest stop even! I tried having Kate still reading a book but it didn’t feel right with her in wolf-mentality. I think the only line I kept pretty much was the spank bank one. “Shotgun asshole!” “Bro, you can’t just shotgun asshole. This girl isn’t just some sweet ride. Well, ok, she is but...” “Fine, fine, rock paper sissors.” Incidently, Ronnie’s surname Slettering is a genuine surname of Dutch origin, and I am sure the familes who have it would happily confirm it has no relation to the Dutch term Sletterig, which means something somewhat cruder. Might actually be some true love there! “You have no power here, demon!” Shannon, muffled by Ronnie’s crotch: “oh well.” She totally ruined her outfit back in the second part of her very first story when Kizzy scared the shit of her. It must get tiresome borrowing Lupa’s too-short gear so if she is actually going out to mess something up then either going pre-wolf or easy-to-remove clothing made sense. I figure since Shannon and them are working at getting her balanced again the ‘staying human more’ thing is part of that. Yeah, but come on! What the people really want to see is werewolf vs spider Working title of this story was “Can you smell what Laroc is cooking?” but I changed it because he doesn’t actually appear so it makes the pun on The Rock too forced. Yep, you mentioned I think that his coloring was similar to a coral Snake’s (more inspiration from you! and un-credited! D’oh, just realised) and I realised that reversing coral was actually one of the less silly sounding backward names so went with it. Better than Ekans anyway. With it all being Tommy’s POV I couldn’t cover what happened inside the bar, or call back to Lupa fighting him before, but it doesn’t really matter for the storytelling. I hope. Definitely made me laugh, bro! Thanks again! Yeah, that meeting would be one for the ages… “Lucifer, I know you said ‘He didn’t go for the ruling all the countries of the Earth, so get up there and shove your tits in his face,’ but he didn’t go for that either. I even washed his feet with my hair! He’s a real sweetie though. Didn’t get cross at all.” “...didn’t you manage to corrupt any of them?” “Thomas didn’t even believe I was a prostitute, and Judas did, but since I didn’t want to be blatant I put him off by saying he’d have to find 30 pieces of silver to hang with me so he probably figured he had no chance. I am close to him though. They’ll probably be claiming we were secretly married in 2000 years.” ...ok that’s enough blasphemy for today. Thank you again for the review! I am really glad you enjoyed it and I incredibly appreciate you taking the time for the detailed thoughts.

I’ll get this read and reviewed later today, great to see another one for it! (Still holding out hopes for a BronxWench entry!) I am on the edge of my seat to find out if it is a slasher of teens or a teen who slashes, or a slasher of teens who is also a teen. I likes some title word play.

Thank you! Heck, that’s a good solid review on its own, I’m glad you enjoyed it!

Book’s even better!

As very well demonstrated in the book and miniseries Good Omens! Except they had Pollution instead of Pestillence on account of Pestillence had retired “muttering about penicillin”

No fucking complaints here! Or complaints about the fucking! I’ve been re-reading a shit-ton of my old classics books lately, mostly on account of my unread reading pile running out. It probably wouldn’t have made me think of it otherwise! Ya know Hesiod assigned Cerberus 50 heads? Now there was a dude who gave no fucks.