JayDee

Fair enough! Thank you again, anyway. Wonderful reviews. I guess I got lucky with putting enough elements in there to bulk ‘er out. I’ll probably still keep thinking 1D or 1.5D at best, but it’s worth noting that I am pretty convinced that most of what I ever wrote was terrible. Something’s getting sheathed in Part Nine and it isn’t sexual? I kid! I kid!… No, absolutely though, can’t be forced. Some of it appears on the screen and it was like it was never in my brain at all. It just appears, sometimes with an echo of mocking laughter in the darkness of my hindbrain. Heh. Shakespeare humor. Should I ever need to write another angel of similar build I’m definitely going to have this math in mind. If nothing else I feel like writing a sex scene someday with a character with wings. Besides Spyro the fuckin’ dragon. I bet it’s gonna be epic. Always happy to get any review! Even flames And she was ok! It just took 75 years in universe and 11 years outside. Some kinda relative time Narnia thing going on there. “Ugh,” muttered Eparlegna, as he looked upon he mess he had made of his mother “I thought she smelled bad on the outside.” Wait, no, that’s Star Wars. Eparlegna burst out, looked down at the hole he had made and began to sing, “ Hello my baby, hello my honey Hello my ragtime-” Wait, no that’s Spaceballs. “Hey, who wants to eat the placenta?” Wait, no that’s hippies. Huh. I’ll stop now on rule of three before you decline to ever speak to me again. It may already be too late. Well, she could be allowed to escape, so long as she got raped again in the next part. They’d probably have been ok with that. I think you’re right that a lot of those readers were pretty much there for the Archangel violation (Back when someone pasted it to the old old gurochan site they even loaded it under the title “Angel Violation”, possibly because there technically isn’t any whoring in it. Some perverts are very keen on semantics.) I said Deathstalker could have done it, I didn’t say he always does :p The guy is paid by the word! Also, I’ll glare at anybody who says his version of Rebecca Chambers with a cute penis isn’t canon. LALALA I don’t want to hear it! Eh, I probably could have been a bit more explicit about it though in the warning. Some of my later stories have stronger allcaps warnings at the start. Oh well, I’m sticking with the “At least we got The Woman in the Statue” out of it. Yeah, going with this Happy ending! I do have that reputation as a monster to uphold! I mean, it was moist eyes rather than outright crying, like in part 1 feeling bad for her in the hospital with that my name is whore bit. Total hypocrisy I suppose. Well thanks to you, the one mortal able to do for her what needed to be done, that ending is reconned down to 75 years! I mean, still 75 years where every second hurts like eternity, but it’s better than a poke in the womb with a sharp dick as Eparlegna likes to say. To be fair it’s that long in our universe. Once life has ceased in the WoH universe the creator might have hit fast forward and got to Judgement Day in only a few trillion years. I always thought so. They got another song “Vampire Punk Rockers from Hell” that also feels like it could inspire a pretty good story too.

Sounds like non spam reviews tbh. Thanks for deleting!

I don't really have any analysis of this line or anything. It just makes me sad. It also occurred to me while rereading this that there was layer of cruelty in the orgasm denial torture that I hadn't noticed before. The part that contains the "guttering like a candle" line shows that Eparlegna doesn't need Luzurial's cooperation to impregnate her, so why does he go to all the effort of making her beg? As far as I can tell, it's just so that she'll feel ashamed of herself afterward; so that she will suffer just that little bit more. "You are my whore. I am your master. Say it." "I... am your whore. You are my Master." The words trembled with emotion, a terrible mixture of lust and total, soul consuming, despair "Your name is whore. You will never have another. You have never had another. Do you understand?" "Yes, Master." "What do you want whore?" "Fuck me, Master! Give me release!" Eparlegna gave his Archangel slut her desire. Her tore her hymen with consent and filled the Archangel's virgin channel with his demon spike. She wrapped her arms and legs around him as he brutally fucked her. For the target audience, that's probably the hottest moment in the entire story, but for me it's absolutely heartbreaking, partly because it represents the complete disintegration of Luzurial's self esteem, but in no small part because that's just such a human reaction, simply wanting to not hurt anymore, just for a little bit. My heart went out to Luzurial so many times during this chapter (any time she's crying from how much pain she's experiencing, really), but that's definitely one of the more wrenching moments. In addition, I should mention that the first time I read this story, I didn't cry. I was surprised, because I'm kind of sensitive like that, and I came close a few times, but when I reread it, I did tear up, because when I read this line... "Please... creator... have mercy... if not on me, on humanity. Do not let this creature be spawned of my body and his." ...I realized what the wording implied. If you reverse the order of those words (if it's "if not on humanity, on me"), then it sounds selfish, but with the order they're in now, it hammers in that even as she's experiencing pain so intense that she genuinely thinks it will kill her, when she has every right to beg for relief, she phrases that prayer so that her relief is a secondary concern. Even now, Luzurial's primary focus is the safety of the mortals she came here to protect. Even after being tortured, raped and made to call herself a whore, she hasn't really lost who she is or why she's here, because she is a good person. Finally, there's the ending. For those of you reading this in the future, just realize that the story originally ended with "Every second hurt like eternity." I said in my review of The Slumber Party of Evil Doom that I can't agree that Luzurial deserves what happens to her, and I'm going to have to reiterate it here. The line about the stars growing cold implies the heat death of the universe, and since star formation should be able to continue for about 100 trillion years, that's the minimum time she has to spend locked away, every single moment agony beyond human comprehension. This is the kind of thing the damned go through, but they have to earn it. The serial killers, the child predators, the genocidal monsters, they all earn it. Luzurial may be on Earth, but she has been condemned to effectively eternal torture worthy of Hell...because she came here to help us. Pride is a sin, but given what we've seen in the rest of the story, there's no way she earned this. Now, I want to clarify that in spite of how this may look, this is not a negative review. I can't say what this story did for its target audience, but it made me want someone to break open the statue, hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay. I can count on one hand the number of fictional characters I've felt as bad for as I do for Luzurial, and that takes talent, a talent for establishing the character and for communicating her sadness, her humiliation and her pain. So while I can't say this story is fun to read, and I'm not rushing to put it in my Recommended Reading section the way I did with You!, I do believe that your gifts as a writer are on display here. I think a lot of the audience were fapping in part 2 but for Part 3 the target got a lot narrower. It’s the kind of thing folks would say gets a bit too hardcore in places, especially as those wounds started piling up. There’s a much bigger audience for rape and humiliation than for the kind of no-human-could-survive-this guro that tends to get a showing in part 3. I guess Luzurial does still come across as really tough here, and at the same time Eparlegna comes across as a total bastard. He’s got an actual Archangel at his mercy for the first time ever. Probably the first time there’s something living that can withstand all the cruelty he can give out, and that’s before you get into whatever he’s still bearing grudge for when some other angel threw him from heaven during the fall. Unlike, say, Shannon who probably just managed to turn back to Luzurial before she was thrown from the light of the creator and managed “Hey, no hard feelings! Call me sometime! Don’t be a stranger!” So yeah, Eparlegna really layering on the cruelty. She’s badly weakened, he doesn’t need to hurt her more, but, fuck it, when’s he going to get another chance? Hmm... yeah, those abilities probably could have freed her in just about any other genre. The really talented writers of this stuff – your Deathstalker types – will actually come up with proper ways to explain that sort of thing. In truth I was never that great. The sadness. I’m sorry about this. It’s one of those things... with writing stories like this I always wanted to really ensure they were only read by people who would enjoy the extreme content. I stuck on the story codes and the disclaimer/warnings and hoped for best. I didn’t really want to make folks sad (I’m considerably less bothered about angry.) On the other hand if it hadn’t got as bleak as it does I suspect we wouldn’t be getting to see The Woman in the Statue, and it perhaps wouldn’t have stuck in your mind for so long. Your name is whore. And there’s an explanation for anybody wondering about her first words in The Woman in the Statue. Really just playing to the title there which I took from a song (with credit). That’s another thing I’d be a lot less likely to do today, just use a song title for a story. Even citing the song it just feels pretty cheap. And it makes it way harder to search for references to the story elsewhere of course. I mean I thought the hottest moment in the story was when she has that first orgasm denied and then Molly gives it to her, and sure, she’s squirting an inhuman amount and Molly comes too and then Shondra’s just like ‘Are you seeing this shit?’ But, yeah, that huge penetration with her wrapping around him desperate to come again to have a break from her pain, well, a lot of the readers may have found it pretty hot if they’re into this stuff. Given the overwhelming silence of 3 reviews in 10K hits though it seems just as likely a lot more scanned through and thought it was shit and never spoke of it again. That’s Eparlegna’s completely bogus definition of consent there. Sloppy writing on my part. See, there’s a lot more places in The Woman in the Statue where I teared the fuck up so maybe I’m the real wuss! You’re right there - She never really forgot why she came to Earth or who or what she was. She was there to help and she begged for them to be spared... I suppose there is a bit of tragedy in that if she or another angel had never gone down Eparlegna would still have been defeated, but perhaps more quickly without his stronger Angel-born form. The implication of waiting until the heat-death of the universe was absolutely intended. It was going to take the triumph of entropy to break her shell. Looking back at it I can’t argue she didn’t deserve it. Overall it may well be the worst thing I’ve ever written happening to a character, with the only defence being that this level of cruelty is absolutely in line for Eparlegna, though rarely would he be able to actually do it someone – a human would simply have died before much time had passed, even one powered up probably wouldn’t last that long. I didn’t take it as a negative review. I took it as a fair review that doesn’t sugar coat the nastiness, or the missed opportunities. Again I’m kind of glad I did manage to make you feel so bad for her, because as a result we get your masterpiece sequel. I’d pretty much forgotten the Rec Reading section (I need to go stick some of BronxWench’s stories there now they’re back up!) but I put a link to The Woman in the Statue in mine today. Thanks for the promo for You! I thank you again for the praise, the compliments, the constructive criticism and the analysis. I think with me mostly dried up for writing AFF will instead have a far brighter and powerful creative light shining here with yourself. Best of luck in the future! Let’s finish on a song –

That's funny because it has two possible interpretations. The first is that the dispassionate, third person narrator just facepalmed at that joke. The second is that that was Luzurial's PoV, and she was like "something terrible is about to happen to me, but I can still take time to appreciate how shitty that pun is." I know that this wasn't written as a tragedy, but it has a moment that just about every tragedy does: the spark of hope that's introduced and then extinguished. In this case, that comes in the form of Bernice, the only person with the moral courage not to let someone be tortured in front of her. I might perhaps criticize that we don't get to see Luzurial's reaction to her death, perhaps a small moment of gratitude for the one mortal brave enough to stand up for her. There is something sort of interesting about the contrast between the two cops' personal histories and how they act with Luzurial. Molly is an actual murderer, while Shondra's never crossed that particular line, yet Shondra's the one causing real pain to Luzurial, while what Molly is doing doesn't hurt at all (unwanted cunnilingus is still sexual assault, but at least it's not physically painful) There's actually a joke I'm surprised you didn't go for. Considering that they call Luzurial an illegal immigrant and Shondra tortures her by jamming a fist into her, I'm honestly surprised there wasn't a cavity search joke. I can't really say I would have laughed, but I'm kind of surprised it isn't there. Also... She raised her head, and he gazed into the suddenly glowing maelstrom of her eyes. The framing tangle of her golden hair reflected the glow, while the purple-red clouds high overhead cast everything else in their own sickly swirling colours. Oh, shit is about to get real. The glow faded from Luzurial's eyes Or not. I'll have to remember that, though... she pulled together the shreds of her dignity and courage, and spat down into Molly's face. It might not have worked, but I still smiled when she did that, because yes, that was the right way to react to being assaulted and tortured: spit in that bitch's face. As before, Luzurial remains an admirable character. She's just been raped, mocked and feels unjustified shame for her own body's reaction (in spite of her age, her naivete where sex is concerned also engenders sympathy), and yet her focus is exactly where it should be: she refuses Eparlegna's offer again, never willing to put humanity at more risk, and focuses on remaining strong for the caged women. The moment is intensely bittersweet, because this is all really just a setup for really hurting her in the next chapter, but it doesn't change the fact that what she's doing is the right thing. You know, if you don’t mind a bit of lesbian sex which isn’t consensual you might actually like my story Shokan Lust. Just stop reading before the final chapter where a dude gets flayed. But I’m told up until then it is quite fappable. (One reviewer – “ The sex is appealing, arousing, and sensual.” so eh). Absolutely though, I think including the sense that this powerful beautiful Archangel is helpless and humiliated was a big part of the appeal for readers who liked this section and the story as a whole. It plays right into the power play elements of the rape fantasy too. I think going back to Luzurial’s character that it wouldn’t be possible for this kind of thing to happen to her and for her not to feel humiliated at that stafe. I totally get that it this theme for everyone though. Or even for most people. I have no idea if I intended for that Cop Humor to be from Luzurial’s POV, but with the next sentence detailing her looking back with defiance it actually does work well. Equally, though, it could be an actual bit of “What the fuck did I just write?” self-insert, but if so it’s definitely bad it came after terrible punning and not, say, the birthing scene. Yeah, absolutely great point about Bernice; Luzurial should have taken the time to remember that one mortal who’d died for her. It would even have fit in the theme of the story because with the way she was feeling it could have served as another jab; another person dead that she might blame herself for. Bad miss on my part. I think the reason for why Molly is doing the more sexual stuff is that she looks at Luzurial and finds her hot as fuck while Shondra is less impressed. It’s been a long time, but I suspect that’s what I thought. Molly’s taking advantage of the power she has to possess Luzurial in the way she couldn’t normally. Plus, the effect of taking power from Eparlegna for Shondra has maybe left her feeling much more sadistic than usual, while for Molly she gets the same power but she’s already a killer so for her “it was Monday.” ...crap, really should have had a cavity search joke. “We’re looking for smuggled manna!” There ya go. Or just an anal fisting joke, “Open wide and say Ave Maria!” I still don’t really remember what the deal with the eyes glowing was. Loss of sexual control and that maybe. I’m sure you’ll make it properly mean something awesome in The Woman in the Statue! I like that face spit too. Glad it turned out cool! Molly would not be finding a warm welcome in heaven at that point, that’s for sure. And then, well, part 3. Where things get a little disturbed...

Whore of Heaven has been on AFF since 2007-10-28, has over 10K hits and until today had a grand total of three reviews. That doubled today with a review for each of the three parts from InBrightestDay who is currently writing the incredibly superior sequel, The Woman in the Statue, which has managed already three reviews in 24 hours. I hope you all go read it because it’s amazing stuff. On to the reviews! Firstly, so I don’t repeat myself too much, thank you for writing these reviews of the parts, thank you for the compliments on my writing, thank you for the pointing out of the stuff that’s worthy of criticism (such as my not thinking properly about binding circle barrier dimensions). It’s probably the most detailed overall review I’ve ever had for a story (some of Jack’s could come close in the old days). We all like getting reviews even the “Great! write more!” but rarely do we get the really detailed analysis. I think a lot of writers here would be crossing their fingers you get around to reading and reviewing their stories! They hang together so well I’m not going to do the “Quote a paragraph, respond, quote, respond” thing but instead respond to each one beneath the review. Would be hilarious if it came from Drew ("Yeah, sure, the stuff just gave you first degree burns on your tits, but you KNOW you want it inside you, babe!"). Coming from Eparlegna, it's not funny in the least, especially as we just saw him scorch a woman's internal organs just like that. Even an actual joke... We both came alone! Perhaps later… we will come together? ...comes across not as a facepalm, but instead as a genuinely menacing threat. Following on from this, the chapter, the entire story, really, has a very well-accomplished sense of slowly building dread. It never lets up and winds tighter and tighter as things progress. When Luzurial steps into the binding circle, it winds tighter. When the tentacles grab her wrists and she can no longer escape, it winds tighter. I suppose for the target audience, this was more a sense of sexual anticipation, but for me this was fear. The tags attached to the story told me that awful things would happen to Luzurial, so when I realized, by the end of the chapter, that I thoroughly sympathized with her and was absolutely rooting for her, my feelings were...decidedly mixed. The one thing I'll say in criticism of this chapter is that the size of the holy circle seems a bit inconsistent. Luzurial's first attempt at freeing herself involves trying to just break the barrier by stretching her wings, which implies that the dome is much smaller than her wingspan. When her wrists are bound, though, she tries to break free by taking off...which means she has enough space to beat her wings. This isn't necessarily a mistake, since the dome may be wide enough for her to spread her wings enough to flap them (i.e. the dome is ten feet wide and she has a fifteen foot wingspan), but perhaps that first time she was stretching them up to push against the ROOF of the thing, which given the shape of a dome would be much closer. I've had a few reviews from people not in the target audience for a story before. Like (almost?) every review on Nymphadora Necrophilia. I guess it was my only angel story, she didn't die, what's not to like? Reading your review of Luzurial's introduction makes her seem way cooler than she does in the story. It makes the writing sound great too! I read a review like this, it makes me want to read the story! The narration is definitely a little... misleading in places. Sloppy. Especially when it gets into the stuff that's Eparlegna's opinion but just gets narrated. Look, you try giving him orders to say and do things... That comparison to the cop/soldier type going against orders because it's the right thing to do - I guess we've all seen that storyline before but it has never previously occurred to me how much Luzurial embodies the trope. Wows. I just don't seem to manage to come up with good sounding phrases like that so much anymore. There was that brief bit about Kizzy at the end of You! which I guess as atmospherically the same. Some of the mistakes she makes, well, they're enforced by genre aren't they? But stopping to give life the representations of virtue, to fight the monsters, that was something that I guess felt right at the time. She is compassion! I suspect that if I was trying to write something like this today, Eparlegna would probably sound a lot more like Drew. Only less of a nerd. The end of the chapter has things looking pretty bleak so for anybody on Luzurial's side the hope that things will get better would be a strong one. But, this is a 2007 JayDee fic and we all know what that means! That said, part 2 is probably considerably less bleak than it could be. Mal said in another thread "Your story, Whore of Heaven is one of my favorite erotic works and that it was part of the inspiration for me to peruse my own erotic writings. (FYI, I have a penchant for seeing the beautiful and the pure corrupted and or humiliated…)" so I guess that's as good a description as any of what the target audience got out of it overall (yup, another AFF user is better at writing than me!) Good points around the size of the circle. I'll claim that it was being in some way manipulated off page by Eparlegna. No? Ok, well I'll go for the dome idea then. That's pretty cool image anyway. It's funny, when I got the first email from you a decade ago it seems I leaped to the conclusion that you were a theologian, kind of a modern Peter Abelard (uh... pre-castration). I was on to a wrong'n there!

Twinpregnation review – I’m so glad I noticed a while back my settings had somehow reset to no anonymous reviews so I could change ‘em and start getting anon reviews again. Thank you ANON! I’m really happy you liked this story and thought the conclusion was wonderful! I appreciate you taking the time to leave the review. I’ll take a **** review, especially as my local takeaway only has a ** health rating. There actually was a bunch of unnecessary details originally, but I stripped them out following the initial reviews for this version that concentrates on twins and ‘pregnation. Thank you again.

http://comics.adult-fanfiction.org/review.php?set=read&no=600060544 Hi, most recent review on the above appears to be a spambot. Do you need to take any info/record from it for anti-spam or should I just go ahead and delete it?

I keep reviews this length up, I’ll be writing more in them than I did in Whore of Heaven. The comforting works really well too. I mean, that little hand squeeze back… d’aww. That episode where she has to act like the Doctor, (because in story his program was inside her implants I think it was) she nailed his mannerisms and expressions. That was some fantastic acting there. And if I was writing the story somebody would pull it out and show it to him. Bwa ha ha ha! etc No, I kid, I kid. Maybe. I’ve always said yes when anyone’s asked. How could I not like it? The quality of the writing is amazing! The story is great, simply brilliant. I was really happy to see you get a couple of other reviews straight off the bat too. Hopefully there will be many more to come if folks give it a chance. I bet they’ll love the heck out of that incest fic too (and the Spider one!) I kind of want to write a story called Something and make it a total WAFF piece and then people can say “I read something by JayDee and it was so waffy.” I’m taking a compliment here - thanks for liking my writing style! It’s so fucking great you got around to this, can’s stress that enough! I love it!

Just bumping this, one of my first ever posts and certainly my first ever thread started as JayDee on this forum, to promote the new extended part 3 of Whore of Heaven. Read the original and want to read another three paragraphs? Well, this is the promo for you.

Sure, why not? Alternate it in different chapters if you want it really clear. There’s a few writers who do it!

For me it really depends on the writer. For example the Dresden Files books are all ‘narrated’ from Harry’s POV and it really works. Othertimes it is less great. I keep thinking doing one of those Dracula style epistolary stories would be cool, with all the diary entries and letters and newspaper clippings. “Witnesseses report a woman turning into a wolf. The relevent authorities have been informed.” etc Only much less shit than that sounds.

That’s pretty much it! His spirit just isn’t in it after he realises she’s totally loving it. It’s probably the only funny part in the story, but that chapter is a crossover between Predator and Clueless (and for parts of it, Mortal Kombat) so… Rules? I didn’t think that far ahead. I was just trying to get all the lurkers talking. Failed, mostly. Should have gone with something like “Of your OCs who haven’t fucked yet, who would be most likely to fuck each other.” or something Naruto related. But with no prior knowlege of each other, genre free, no prep match up: of Gogedheh vs Kizzy – Is limited by the mostly-human-like form she wears. The way I think of her is that a lot of the abilities she would have in her true form are denied to her, in a way they aren’t for lower orders like an Angel or Archangel. I’ve assumed her true six winged always-burning form cannot exist on Earth without damaging the planet extensively, like having a mini sun pressed against it. Trained humans can and do beat Predators in fights in the films – Dutch the mercenary, Harrigan the cop, and her flaming soul sword would be a fair weapon against his wrist blades and armor – and could probably deflect plasma blasts too, but ultimately he’s simply more experienced at hand to hand combat than she is despite her age (Staff officers… always got their asses stapled to a desk...) and so he might have the edge. Shannon – Would simply assume she can seduce him (perhaps feigning reluctance if she deduces he prefers rape), get naked, entice him to fuck her and then eat his life during the act, leaving him a dried out husk. Quickest, easiest victory. She might even get off. Lupa – She’s a bit like the vampire Cassidy from the old Preacher comics – she has the strength and the speed, but despite Kizzy making her and Kate undergo combat training she’s probably liable to get her head taken off, which would work as well as the old stake through the heart (as Buffy once said, “You’d be surprised how many things that’ll kill”). If she did get past his guard enough to drink a load of alien blood she could withstand a lot of stabbings and a hole knocked through her with the plasma caster to take him. The mersmerism would work if she could get the mask off him and then he’d be wondering why he was lying down and baring his neck. “Hey! Tastes like guacamole!”. Kate – Is the kind of ferocious beast critter that Predators hunt anyway. Probably the weakest against him for all her own strength and speed and some training. I mean, this guy can take down Xenomorphs and the like, and in a lot of ways Kate’s just a metalhead with a party trick and the munchies. Still, if Danny Glover can take a Predator it could be evenly matched on the day if she was desperately ferocious enough. She’s fast enough to dodge fire at least, and she can take a bit of punishment from the wrist blades too, maybe enough to get him bleeding out before she did. So overall except for Shannon (who once again would solve a problem by fucking it), I would really see it depending on how things went during the bouts if there was no pre-prep. I pretty much just made the 1D version of Luzurial. You’ve made the 3D version! No, absolutely genre is key. Every rape fic ever written about superheroines shows that. Including the abomination that was DC’s Identity Crisis. Unless it is a Chick Tract universe where at the very last second he accepts Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour, says sorry, and goes to Heaven while the kind hearted Roman Catholic who killed him to save humanity is thrown in the lake of fire for being the Wrong Sort. I don’t know that he’d hate Hell anyway – they’d probably have him taking seminars. “Agile Working, Degredation and You.” ...yeah, my money’s on the god dude to win those scraps. I mean, it’s not the fairest of fights unless your name is Surtur or something. Heh, Blackbird, so he’s the kind who kicks the balls and pokes the eyes and gets the three count after the ref bump.

Louisiana Pit Fight: Sandi Stone Vs Jody is one of those stories I always forget I’ve written. It was a request fic for a hugely muscled character I had never heard of. so i stuck her in the the Preacher setting ‘cos Jody was one of the characters could kick anybody’s ass and mean enough to do the brutality the request implied. I was looking through it and this one line, Thank you for the review! I appreciate you taking the time and I’m glad it was entertaining. I suspect you’re right – I don’t think anybody really deserved this. Not the characters, and frankly it is iffy if any of the readers should have been put through it. In terms of muscle women getting beaten and destroyed, VileCorpus (also known as VileCorp) who requested this Sandi story did a lot of work in that area, with obscenely muscled women often fighting other obscenely muscled women. I think he produced quite a few comics that are probably available via google. He did do a bit of writing too – but the forum they were originally on was deleted years ago. Not sure where they would be now. In terms of my stories I’ve got a few more with the violence and the rape (go to my profile and see tags, would take too long to list ), but not so many with the actual muscle woman/fighting back elements. The Crushing of Cassie Cage in the games section might be closest given the kicking meted out to the bad guy before the nastiness kicks in, and it also features a redneck. Cassie isn’t anywhere near as muscular though. I hope you’re able to find more stories with the topics you like. Thank you again!

I know the term! – not from the comics, but from the paperback books that came out ages time ago (looking it up, I think I read ‘em around 1994 when they came out!), seems they shared a universe with the comics/possibly novelisations of ‘em. I didn’t use the terms and naming from that universe in my story as I specifically based it on the film portrayals (Predator 1 and 2) I’d seen. I hadn’t read the books in a long time so was too hazy. I see what you mean, he is an OC for sure, but in a way it was just me slapping a name, libido and sexual sadism on one of the nameless types from the films so I wasn’t thinking of him as a properly original character. He counts for sure though! In Predator 2 the mask had an alternate mode for the meat freezer warehouse place where the infra-red wasn’t working to see the government guys, so Lupa being room temp wouldn’t matter too much The hypno effect would likely be negated by the mask in the way, too. So could he take the pack? Well, that would depend. He only went against non-superpowered foes when I wrote him. The later stories Deathstalker wrote expanded on his ingenuity at facing considerably more powerful beings and winning, so if Deathstalker was writing him, probably he could take all of them. If I was writing it… My gut feeling is that he could take most of them because that’s basically what he does – if he knew enough about them to decide they were worth the hunt he could prepare effective weapons such as silver for Kate, or binding circles and the like. In the story I wrote he met someone with a sex drive almost comparable to Shannon’s and it confused the hell out of him. So if she just straight up let him fuck her and he didn’t understand the danger despite his preparation she could simply kill him with sex as part of her Succubus abilites. If they were hunting him because he was on an Earth hunt but he didn’t know about them, he would have a far tougher time of it for sure, at least to begin with. Also it would totally depend if the fight was taking place in a rape/snuff fic or a good natured supernatural adventure

I haven’t really got a whole lot of OCs though and some of ‘em already fought – Kizzy beat Eparlegna (in one canon strand!), Kate beat Jeb… I could come up with a fight between the tentacle monster from Under Joan’s Bed and Shannon from various, but somehow I think it would end up in a very sticky draw. Or possibly the tenacle monster begging for mercy.

It’s the internet. We can have discussions like this. Obviously if you’ve already written yer OCs fighting you have an answer for them, but what about the ones who haven’t fought? What then? Who wins?

The Dildo of Kings Thanks for your review! The story is way too short, for sure, but in my defence it was written for a prompt challenge with a 1000 word limit. Heh Looks like we’ve both done stories on the “fucking possessed weapons” kink. Corinthian Knot now has 55050 hits and 10 reviews. That’s quite a lot for AFF! Thank you for this review also! Yeah, that original Tomb Raider game you’re strolling along and suddenly wolves! Scared the piss out of me the first time. That bear and t-Rex later were just as bad. She’s killed a lot of wildlife that was just trying to mind its own business away from human civilisation though. Probably not a PETA spokesperson. The detail of using the ponytail was in the original drawing the story was written about so I can’t claim credit for that one. I’m glad you found it hot and sexy though – it’s one of those stories that I think works for people who enjoy the central idea, but everyone else would be a bit baffled. I’m afraid this may have been the last of the good work – I can’t believe it’s from 2011. Where did all those years go? It was all downhill from there, sadly. Thanks once again for both reviews.

“We’re gonna rock rock rock rock with the ROCK!” The Green Angels’ lyricist was really earning the big bucks. I suspect he might not have been a fan of Metallica “Well, this rock music can’t get any worse after Black Sabbath.” *Hears The God That Failed* “I was wrong.” This here is one sweet gooey WAFFy post. Which I’ll ruin with flashbacks to the old I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream point and click game. I never got around to reading the story; I should do that sometime, it is meant to be an absolute classic. The next reviews being for Whore of Heaven I suspect where I will not take offence if you have some harsh words about Luzurial’s treatment. I thank you for your time! I have replied also

The Green Angels one was great too, with rock music manager Lew Siffer and “Here’s your wedding gift… some AIDS!” Kevin overcomes his fears and fights bad guys! A timeless tale. Put like that it’s hard to argue with! Miharu ended up with a happier ending too. Although, I guess lot of the stories I wrote where the characters straight up died had happier endings than Luzurial did. Thank you! I’ll have another look through the old draft for any terrible errors I missed (besides the characterisation and plot) and send it over.

There’s a few writers on here who are definitely far cross that line seperating them from the cheap nasty pornographers like me. They’re putting out seriously talented writing. I was going to start naming names but then I’d miss someone out and it’d be awkward. Also as at least three or four of them are site staff it would look like I was asskissing. But the point is, your current work reminds me of that level. Thank you also for your reviews on the two parts of Miharu Sarutobi Must Resist! – I really appreciate them, and I am not just saying that. Thanks for letting me know about the times it made you laugh – really went for a jokey tone in a few places so I’m glad it came across well! Yeah, sorry about that, me not being entirely clear. Ol’ Eparlegna’s just there in the flashbacks. Maybe I ought to go for a more pompous setting name like “The Books of Kizurial.” Otherwise I’m just gonna steal slumber-verse from you :p You know, when I saw the Bigotry tag and a Japanese protagonist, I kind of figured that would mean bigotry against said protagonist. Guess it runs both ways. Equal opportunity bigotry! It’s still un-PC but everyone gets a fair share. Dreneparssa backward is...the first time this story made me laugh. Thank you! I think Dreneparssa was the last backwards demon name I came up with. Guy’s a total dork! I see mine was not the only D&D group for whom Dark Dungeons was a rite of passage. I’ve seen a whole bunch of chick tracts over the years, and I realise this isn’t entirely the point, but some of them are hilarious. I don’t know that I got all of the intended value from them to be honest. Weirdly enough there’s a Chick Tracts section on AFF, with a Dark Dungeons fanfic. There's why I thought this was the guy from the second chapter of You! Makes sense! They’re both just mean spirited offensive stereotypes of COD players. I’d forgotten I’d used the COD GOD wording twice tho’ The fact that I’ve written stories around Valve point’n’shoot games like Team Fortress 2, Half Life 2 and Left 4 Dead but portray dickish COD players twice over may suggest a certain amount of anti-COD bigotry. Probably correctly. Heh, maybe Miharu got a saving throw or something. I'd previously assumed that "spike" thing was literal, you know, to cause maximum pain and tear holes in the uterus, but "rounded spike" just sounds like an ordinary penis. The crown’s more like the way a glass coke bottle narrows towards the end, but with rounding at the tip like you see on the top of some metal fences. Drew’s a bit less hardcore than his Daddy. Second time the story made me laugh. There's something inherently funny about using hellfire to power your house. I mean, is that considered green energy? There's zero carbon footprint, but the screams of the damned probably count as noise pollution... It still makes less noise than that one the family had in Home Alone! You got to get some benefits out of being a demon. Like how Shannon has literally never had to buy a drink for herself in any bar or club. Third and fourth times the story made me laugh, first because of the delivery and then because how did that happen? Was Eparlegna just having an off day? Was he morbidly curious about what consensual sex felt like? I think he was just impressed by her enthusiasm and willingness to be taken hard over and over. She might even have been the one who summoned him in the first place to unleash him on others and played to his pride enough that he left her basically what she was when he first met her – mentally screwy but physically ok. Perhaps Luzurial would have got an easier ride after all if she’d submitted immediately. He might have just recently eaten a group of ravers off their heads on MDMA or something. The less likely but possibly funnier possibility is that another considerably less intimidating demon was engaging in a bit of ID theft/demon catfishing and pretending to be Eparlegna. Such things likely wouldn’t go down well with the old bastard, but nobody said demons were all smart in this setting. Case in point of less than top intellectual brilliance: Drew. Ah, there's the bigotry. as casually racist as most evil creatures and many FPS gamers. Truth, unfortunately. When you’re playing a game and half the rest of the team have swastika symbols in non WW2 games and shout racist abuse every time they get killed… yup that’s FPS online play. I expect all the jokes, and the fact that Drew is considerably less threatening and actually pretty pathetic probably account for it – As you said further up the review – A bit less than Eparlegna’s wish to see the entire world in his dominion with an angel bound in a statue and suffering for all eternity for opposing him. I can't imagine why... Drew’s demon junk actually tastes better than Wendys chicken nuggets. The guy’s a moron! Plus, he has anger control issues, and when he couldn’t get her off he kept attacking her with force which then made it worse. So an asshole as well as a moron. Well, that or all the guides he read had been written for “how to please an extreme masochist” topics. Miharu Sarutobi is Ian Fleming's James Bond, complete with her own brand of the cultural chauvinism. Miharu: And don’t you forget it, baka!. Now get me a Asahi while I play the new Final Fantasy! Fifth time the story made me laugh, because of course the washer and dryer are in the hellmouth. It’s okay except on a full moon and then the washing comes out dirtier than it went in. Laugh number six... And Janet just carries on regardless Huh. Apparently he did just want to know what consensual sex felt like. Also, he has tentacles now, I'm guessing because this story has a Japanese protagonist. If Shannon can manifest a cock for a story where there’s a gay guy who likes bottoming, Eparlegna can manifest some tentacles for background flavor in a story with a Japanese character! Although thinking about it, I’m sure I was intending that they were a variant on the old stone tentacles used for restraint in Whore of Heaven, only being used much more actively - maybe formed from the flesh of other victims or just something else. He’d still be the one directing them after all, and presumably he can choose to get sensory feedback even if they aren’t attached to him. Well, that, or it really is another demon pretending to be him. Could explain why Drew is such a loser. At the point Drew’s thinking anal is kind of gay even his demon half is basically face palming. I am 90% sure that the whole “Miharu hating and despising anal, and then coming from it and ending up having a lot” was one of the basic elements requested by Devil_PS for the story. After about six months he is totally her bitch, and Janet’s probably hacked off because she’s got another damn teen living in her basement, she never got to unleash Drew on Mrs Jenkins, and none of the demons are answering her booty call summonings anymore. Thank you once again! I’m glad you didn’t end up suffering through something too terrible expecting more slumber-verse shenanigans at least. A few good laughs probably makes it much more worthwhile. There’s one 1000 word prompt story I haven’t posted with Lupa under a silence spell and Shannon, (Mentioned in this post!) where I decided that I didn’t like Lupa’s characterisation as being happy at killing. I much prefer her as snarky or outright bitchy and happy to bruise flesh and break bones, but not happy killing people at all (as opposed to, say, Kate, who’ll kill and chew on anyone who deserves it like good ol’ Jeb). I might one day post it as a “non canon” or “imaginary story!” to steal from DC silver age, or maybe even try and re-write it to feature Kate instead of Lupa. Reason I am mentioning it is just to throw out there if you’d like me to send it to you to read, with it being slumber-verse related? If not, no worries!

Sorry about the name mix up – I wanted to copy and paste the character names (except Frank!) for the review to make sure the spelling was right. It looks like I still had Lydia’s names copied when I’d meant to change it to Eleneore’s for that comment. For me with reviews I sometimes worry too much about spoiling and so it’s just basic “Wow, I liked the fucking!” and sometimes I try and cover specific bits or quote lines that really appealled to me. I’ve never been any good at constructive criticism so I am generally looking at positives and not seeing negatives!

On the plus side, there doesn’t need to be a specific pairing category for you to load the story you write! You can just load it to the Slash Male/Male section, you don’t need to select a pairing subcat.

I think that’s pretty good. It’s got some good emphasis on what is the meat of the story, the recovery of Luzurial and her relationship with Kevin. It feels – and this is just my reaction at reading it – that maybe the end could be punched up in some way, to have a greater sense of foreboding or threat if that makes sense. I’m sure it’d be fine as it is though. I mean, it’s Shannon. She wasn’t always a succubus but she sure was always Shannon (Edit: Although she had a different name!). No doubt such thoughts were contributing factors in her fall, particularly if someone else already on Lucifer’s side in the early days of plotting noticed an unguarded admiring glance, a flush of skin or a lip bite, or even came across her top secret carefully hidden “Things I’d like to do with Luzurial” ‘diary’. “I’ll have slippery nipples, a mouthful of angel’s tit, a slow comfortable screw against the wall, sex on the beach, slam a red-headed slut and a white russian, and then I’ll go out and have some cocktails.” Bob: “Guys guys! Imagine if you could fuck your flashlight!” Jake (who already has one handle first up his ass): “That’s so unrealistic, Bob.” They’re completely different things really. Mine was a PWP rapefic that was as long as it needed to be to fit in the cruelty and terrible cop jokes; basically mine was just porn. Yours is much more like a proper novel with some erotic elements and so the increased detail, the character interactions and disucssions, and background descriptions, the alternate events happening away from Luzurial, all add immeasurably to the experience. Yours is literature. I feel I probably should spellcheck forum posts, but I always just never bother. I’m lazy, me.

...just noticed that. I do know the difference, I swear.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And then when you’ve finally got through all the blood, sweat and tears of getting it just right you have to write a summary to draw in the readers. And that could be a hell of a conversation with Kizzy some day. “I just wish we were allowed to screw back in the old days, you know? I was totally happy there apart from that even though I was like, the humblest of the host.” “What do you mean?” “Duh. That fucking celibacy command that came down from you Seraphim. The Creator gave Luzurial a rack like that, and then said hands off. It’s the deal with the tree in the garden and Eve loving figs all over again.” “That.. that wasn’t… My friend, I tell you truthfully I never knew of any order given for celibacy. Though there was always one of the cherubim who debated most strongly in favor of it, no argument would have made us issue any order contrary to the Creator’s creation.” Later “Hey, Kiz, why’s Shannon eating a big tub of ice cream and crying?” My badly written BDSM really hurt the masochists. So they demanded I write more. Thanks for raising this! I always appreciate little pointers like this. For this one example I think I’ll keep it as it is because it has a faint echo of the phrase “carrying a torch for someone” and she isn’t carrying one. I have to make my own fun. I think I did know the term Flashlight from all the media I consume, but always worry about mistyping it as Fleshlight. Yeah, Sarsa’s lack of imagination does mirror my own. I think I may have seen the bottle in a room in Fallout New Vegas. Chances are none of them are really superfluous! Plus the interractions you’ve written for them are so natural and realistic – that’s one of the many reasons I think folks who give it a chance on AFF will love it. I mean, some right bastard of a writer put her though absolute hell so a little comfort is no bad thing. No doubt with billions of years they’d have done a bit of redecorating! I suspect it would be more the demons of Shannon’s attitudes rather than the likes of Eparlegna. Even so, I thank you for the reading and the feedback. And also for writing the superior-in-every-way sequel to Whore of Heaven.