InBrightestDay
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After Party gets its very first review!
From @JayDee
QuoteI don’t know why you were concerned about the theme or the tone! Takes place on Halloween? Check. Has a really creepy opening? Check Extremely supernatural character with inhuman eyes to further creep out readers? Also check!
I was primarily worried because of the emphasis placed on the genuinely loving relationship between the two. I noticed everyone else doing stories about death and violence, and here I posted the only Yua and Cody story (yes, there will be at least two more of them) where Yua doesn’t kill anyone. True, she does threaten to do it, but Cody talks her down.
The character design for Yua owes a lot to some art of this particular type of yōkai, and also to the real world spider at the center of the myth, Nephila clavata. Her silk being golden in color, for instance, or the black and yellow colors on her spider legs. Even the robe she wears is colored the way the female N. clavata’s abdomen is (blue and gold bands, and there’s a red portion of the underside). Her eyes are part of that as well. While I couldn’t find images of the eye arrangement on N. clavata, I did find close-up photographs of the eyes of N. pilipes, a related species, which is where I got the “two pairs in front, a third pair on the sides” arrangement.
QuoteIt’s also really well written like all the stuff you do, and tells an interesting little story of their evening with a few hints of things in the past – where Cody used to live, for example – that definitely whets the appetite for when you do a full multi-part story with the characters.
I was going to put this in an Author’s Note, as I do so often, (until I saw that there were no ANs on any of the other Halloween stories, so I didn’t write one), but how Cody and Yua met is the subject of a story in the works (I have a scene or two written), called The Spider House. That story features Yua in a far more menacing light.
QuoteI think this is the first ever sex scene I’ve read between a spider-woman and, well, anything. It’s certainly a bit of a different fetish! The webbing bondage worked really well too. I especially enjoyed the way Cody was purposely trying to be firm near the start to distract Yua, and how she went along with the game. I do get that it is somewhat less creepy when the monster and the mate are clearly caring deeply for each other, but for folks who don’t like spiders much I’m sure that creep factor sticks throughout.
I suppose she does stay creepy if you’re arachnophobic. As for the bondage aspect, I had to do some research, similar to the tentacle scene in WitS. A lot of it I couldn’t use, since due to Cody’s past, I knew Yua would never cause him physical pain during their games. The one thing I figured I could use was this thing called a Wartenberg wheel, which was once a medical diagnostic tool (to measure nervous sensitivity), but is no longer employed in that capacity, and these days apparently tends to be used for BDSM (even the Wikipedia article mentions it, amusingly enough). It’s got these little metal spikes that sort of prickle on the skin, and I figured Yua could simulate that feeling by very gently using the tips of her claws.
And yeah, Yua’s so powerful that Cody can’t really make her do anything, so he figures he’ll just get her to play with him, and that’ll distract her long enough that she’ll calm down. And at 683 years of age, she knows exactly what he’s doing...but she also knows she’ll enjoy it, so she just rolls with it.
QuoteThe explanation of Yua’s diet over the previous couple years, which does show that she might seriously go after the girl if she was hungry and felt she had a good reason. How ‘bout those unlucky armed robbers, huh? I guess in this case it would be ‘web doctrine’ instead of ‘castle doctrine’
Yua and Cody owe a bit to Abby and Owen from Let Me In (or, if you prefer, Eli and Oskar from Let the Right One In), but unlike Abby, who is understandably unhappy with what she has to do to survive, Yua is more fundamentally inhuman, in the way yōkai generally are. So yes, Yua can absolutely be dangerous when provoked.
As for those armed robbers...you might be seeing them soon.
QuoteThe line about how Yua sends Cody off with a soft kiss and a gentle ruffling of his hair when he’s engaging with regular folks, which feels both sweet but also feels like it emphasises the sheer age difference between them.
Yua and Cody are probably the most physically affectionate of the couples in my stories, but the age difference absolutely plays a role here, at least on Yua’s end. While she clearly sees him as old enough to qualify as her mate, there’s something almost maternal about the way she treats him a lot of the time.
QuoteYua actually joining him at the party makes me wonder how other party goers would react – but then I figured the folks who know him have probably seen them together in town at some point or other and just assume she’s a bit introverted.
That’s the idea. When I say Yua stays a step removed from people, I mainly mean that she doesn’t really make friends (like a real spider, she’s content to spend a lot of time by herself). She does go into town with Cody sometimes, so people who know him know he has this older wife, but they don’t really know anything else. I figure she showed up at the outskirts of the party, long enough to see Cody being approached and the exchange with Shannon, and then she went back to the house.
QuoteGenerally the revelation that the scene is a kind of game they’ve been playing and are getting into, (learning their BDSM games together but making sure there’s safety – the extra support webbing against strain, the safe word etc
Some of that came from an exchange I had with @BronxWench early on in the writing process. She gave me the idea of Yua giving Cody some level of praise for, in this case, controlling himself during the game. I probably should have had Yua make sure Cody remembered the safe word before the game started, but I felt like that would give away the fact that this is a game with rules and all, so I worked on the assumption that Yua trusts Cody to remember it when they start, and only at the end does she check, just to make sure. I didn’t mention it, but the idea is that when they decided to start playing the game, they would have discussed what was going to happen so that Cody never got too scared.
Quotebut that Cody really likes his normal ‘human’ snuggles in bed -but asking to spend the night in the web was all warm fuzzies too.
Thank you! That exchange (“Can I just sleep up here with you?” “Of course you may.”) was actually an idea I had before I knew what the sex scene was going to be like at all. I figure that sometimes Yua and Cody both sleep in the bed, with her looking completely human, and sometimes they sleep apart, with him in the bed and her, in her natural giant spider form, up in the web. I imagine that both of them sleeping in the web like this is a rare and special thing.
Thank you so much for the review!
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1 hour ago, CloverReef said:
Thank you so much for this awesome review!
Thank you for the story!
Quote"Kinda had to imagine a Serbian Guy Fieri as the mayor of Fucktown." That made me laugh because FUCK YES. Now I'm gonna imagine that too.
There are times I desperately want to see a quote posted somewhere, completely free of context, just to see how people react. One of these is now officially...
Phone: “Rowan? Where are you?”
Rowan: “I’m in FUCKTOWN and Guy Fieri’s the mayor!”
- CloverReef and JayDee
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12 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:
Trias has been permanently rendered barren as a result of the unbirthing.
That is sad, but on the other hand, there are far worse things that could have happened to her considering the sort of vile magic she’s being exposed to. It’s a heartbreaking thing to have taken from you, but it’s the kind of thing a character can overcome, and often I find stories like that really inspiring.
QuoteI’ve learned alot from this about myself.
Walking biological syringes are just a straight no for me. In addition to Weevils, Kissing Bugs, Lice, Bed bugs and probably anything else in that Class.
As far as taxonomy goes, most of the insects you describe go in the order Hemiptera (bed bugs are in the family Cimicidae, kissing bugs are in the family Reduviidae, subfamily Triatominae, and stuff like wheel bugs and assassin bugs are all in greater Reduviidae). Lice are, to my surprise, actually their own order (Phthiraptera), and weevils are beetles (order Coleoptera).
We all have things that we’re kind of squeamish about. In my case, it’s roaches. No, really. I’ve actually handled a wheel bug (they don’t strike with that proboscis unless they feel threatened), as well as wasps and other bugs that can cause me real pain. I even rescued a brown widow spider (Latrodectus geometricus) from my garage at one point using a cup and paper, so I can honestly say that I am less nervous around bugs that can hurt me than I am around cockroaches. Doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the way it is.
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19 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:
To be utmost correct. Horseflies do have “Stabbing mouthparts, two pairs of blades and a sponge.” Mandibles was the best way I figured to shorthand it. Proboscis tends to bring up images of mosquitoes and an itch. Having been bitten by a horsefly while hiking was painful and I have never hiked without insect repellant again.
Trust me, I am the only person who’s going to bring up the mandible thing. I’m just into entomology, arachnology, etc., so for me “proboscis” doesn’t automatically suggest mosquitoes, but rather a wide variety of bugs, anything from the hypodermic needle of a mosquito to the curly straw of a butterfly to the nightmarish stabbing weapon of the Reduviidae, like this wheel bug (Arilus cristatus) here:
Technically speaking, in horseflies, deer flies and mosquitoes, the mandibles, maxillae and “lips” combine to form a proboscis, a surprisingly complex anatomy for a simple-looking organ. The Reduviid proboscis is a far more unified structure.
Like I said, I’m the only person who’s going to bring this kind of thing up.
QuoteIt seems I overshot a bit. I was aiming for uncomfortable. Definitely not upsetting.
Don’t get the wrong idea. It’s not like you pushed one of my depression buttons and I’m going to be sad for weeks. No female angels have been harmed (yet) and due to the medieval fantasy setting, I don’t imagine Samus Aran will be dragged into this (yes, those are random as all hell, but those are the buttons I know about). Tragedy is also part of horror in many cases (comeuppance tales excluded, obviously), so periodically horror will also make me sad.
QuoteTrias never called out to her goddess. Because she was terrified of what the gods would do to a being she loves. She wasn’t willing to put her goddess in danger.
That’s actually very touching. It’s very noble of her, which of course makes what happens to her all the worse.
QuoteTrias ignores the pleas of her goddess to leave Mortane. Trias never leaves Mortane. She gets back up and heads deeper into the heart of Mortane.
That’s part of what gets to me, I think. See, I could imagine two possible outcomes after the un-birthing scene. The first is that the newborn godling grows rapidly inside her and then tears its way out, and Trias dies lying in a pool of her own blood and shredded organs (we all know how this image got into my head). Thing is, that was probably the better of the two options, since after she died, her soul would presumably have been fine.
On the other hand, if she heads back into Mortane because she’s been twisted into something evil, that’s way worse. I think we’re members of the same religion (different denominations, probably, but basically the same), so you understand what I’m saying when I mention the importance of free will, of choice. If you become something evil by your own choice, that’s on you...but if you’re made into something horrible, against your own desires, that’s both terrifying and deeply sad, and it’s worse if the people who should be your friends treat you as if what’s happened was your choice and therefore your fault…
QuoteThe goddess herself will go to war. She will not allow this ignoble suffering upon her justicar. She can’t
...Of course, that doesn’t seem to be what you’re doing.
And I may have misread that “never leaves Mortane” thing too. It’s possible Trias doesn’t want whatever’s been done to her to affect people outside of Mortane, so she’s staying there and suffering to keep others safe, in which case I can understand why her goddess would be so upset.
QuoteInteresting fact of the day. Sodomy is not the reason Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed. It was the fact the inhabitants were stupid enough to break sacred hospitality. It was this intolerable trespass that brought about the destruction of the cities. To intend to violate divine messengers is the very definition “They had it coming.”
Well, God was already planning to wipe the cities from the map before the two angels came to visit Lot and his family. I think we can assume the Sodomites and those who lived in Gomorra made a habit of doing crap like that (I’m not Jewish, but apparently stuff from the Talmud and Midrash has it they were extremely cruel to outsiders, thus making for an interesting comparison to Deliverance or The Hills Have Eyes, albeit Sodom and Gomorrah were extremely wealthy places instead of backwater hillbilly types).
Attempting to rape two angels was officially the last straw, though.
QuoteThis isn't the end of the story.
Well, that was a heck of a way to get me to read the story!
Granted, you’re not the only author to make me come back to a story going “IS SHE GONNA BE OKAY!?” but it is kind of amusing that this is a legit authorial strategy.
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8 hours ago, Tcr said:
(As for Mic reaping Cortez... Let's just say I had the thought and it was too good to pass up... lol).
Oh, absolutely. It’s like if Hitler wound up on the wrong end of the Archangel Samael (probably the main angel of death in Judaism).
QuoteI kind of wanted things to just seem like it was just a poker game. Lol, until shit hits the fan.
I think the approach you went with definitely still works. It’s just one of those things you understand better if you read the story a second time. It does make me wonder about Hel hitting on the receptionist, though.
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*looks at the tone of my story*
*looks at the tone of every other story*
*realizes everyone else wrote either straight-up horror or dark comedy with heavy horror elements...and I basically wrote a warm fuzzies piece with the odd creepy element*
So...is it too late to just delete my story and disappear?
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On 10/14/2019 at 10:14 PM, Sinfulwolf said:
Well, seems mine is written and ready for posting.
Showoff.
- BronxWench, Sinfulwolf, JayDee and 1 other
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2 hours ago, JayDee said:
“SHANNON’S ALIVE?”
Damn it, JayDee! I almost spat my drink all over my computer!
Making it even funnier is the fact that when you referenced Blessed in that movie, that was exactly the line that sprang to mind.
If I ever do that giant crossover, I’m definitely having Lupa say something about that and “GORDON’S ALIVE?” will be the first words out of Abdul’s mouth.
Calista: “Dude, you have to stop referencing movies over a hundred years old.”
Abdul: “I don’t have to do anything!”
Kate: “Movies over a hundred years old?”
Kevin: “We’re from the future.”
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I might have a story. I’m thinking I want The Spider House to be something you can find from my profile page, but I have a story already started (it just sort of popped into my head one night and I wrote part of it; JayDee’s seen what I have) that I’m calling After Party that does feature the same couple and is set, as the title implies, just after a Halloween party. I’ll see if I can get it done in time.
- BronxWench, CloverReef and JayDee
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I am seriously jealous, but also very proud! Congratulations on your first published book!
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2 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:
First, I want to tell you that I literally laughed out loud at the “Specific Anime Offering”. Yes, I’m guilty of this story being loosely based off of SAO so no it wasn’t just a weird coincidence. When I finally started to binge the anime, I knew I wanted to write something on the lines of it before finishing the series but I didn’t want to use the actual characters. Talking to the mods about it, I was reminded that this has been done before (Jumanji, etc.) so I made the decision to make this Original instead of a fanfic.
Oh, don’t worry, I think it absolutely works. The “first episode,” if you will, was just very similar. I don’t think you’re plagiarizing or anything. As you said, Jumanji uses the same “trapped in a game” idea.
QuoteThe characters, at the time of the “entrapment”, do keep all of their items at the time. So, Tweety still has his bow, and J still has her abilities and summon monsters.
Got it. That’s probably a very good thing, given what they’ll now no doubt be facing inside the game.
QuoteOne of these days I’ll come back to this story… and my other ones… >.> so thank you so much for the review!
And by the time you do, I might just have reviewed Chapter 2!
Seriously, just ask @Thundercloud; I’ve been reading his G.S.P. story veeery slowly for quite a while now.
Oh, and as for this:
QuoteJust so you know, every time I get an email saying that I got a review, I have a mini panic attack!
I feel you. Every time one of those review alerts pops up on anything I’ve written, it’s an “Oh God I hope I didn’t upset them...” feeling.
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It’s really cool seeing how you break down a story like that, and it’s something I’d like to do with one of my future stories.
What does it mean, out of curiosity, to “orphan” your work?
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On 7/15/2019 at 3:16 AM, Tcr said:
Lol. I certainly thought about making it space pirates, but a certain someone, I thought, would enjoy it as historical pirates. I certainly did writing it.
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I think I got a little too fixated on the “starbound” part of Starbound Glory.
It’s pretty cool to see a story about the age of sail, though.
QuoteI'm glad my action scenes still have the attention capturing hold. Lol. I enjoyed writing it in the quick, rapid pacing with bloody violence, despite the research into cannon fire and the chain shot.
It was really cool seeing the chain shot make an appearance. I always love seeing the specialized cannon ammunition, and chain shot in particular made a memorable appearance in Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (in the scene where the Black Pearl takes out the Interceptor’s main mast), so it was awesome seeing it here. And, of course, as Mythbusters showed, hitting a person with it has rather gory results.
QuoteI'm glad it made you cringe, it was definitely meant to.
I think there’s some sort of ingrained “Oooooh” reaction whenever something bad happens to someone’s genitalia. It’s almost a reflex.
QuoteAs for the crew, I definitely wanted to show that most are unconditionally loyal to Charlotte. Always a few whi would be problems. This so that eventually i might be able to expland as they come to.
That is the advantage of a collection of short stories; you don’t have to explain everything at once, and can expand on certain details as you go.
QuoteI read somewhere that mistakes work for a first time scene and really felt that it works in terms of Charlotte's character.
It’s actually almost subversive. Charlotte spends almost the entire rest of the story as a total badass, composed and in control at all times, so seeing her make a bit of a goofy mistake here was pretty funny. It does also help to humanize her, and of course makes sense in context, since the beds on a ship, even in the captain’s cabin, are inevitably going to be rather small, making it easier for accidents like that to happen.
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2 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:
Between Cock And A Hard Place
Okay, I had to show up just to call attention to that title!
QuoteSalvation by Vice
Although that one’s kind of amazing too, in an almost poetic way.
- GeorgeGlass, InvidiaRed, JayDee and 1 other
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On 6/25/2019 at 5:32 PM, Thundercloud said:
I look in the other directions for a few days...aka working overtime on my real job...and bam...there is suddenly two new reviews posted since I visited AFF last time!
Sorry about that! I meant to read the next chapter more slowly, but then I found myself on break at work with nothing else to do and figured “Why not read some more?” and I ended up finishing the chapter in a day or two.
QuoteI would argue that it also is a team effort even if Mindeye is the one that makes the sacrifice that allow them to turn the battle. Blade getting Fang to finally start to come over her gun shyness so she can participate in battle also plays a pretty big part.
Oh absolutely. I didn’t mean to suggest it wasn’t a team effort, just that Mindeye got the ball rolling.
QuoteFighting a furious werewolf that is immune to psionic powers is narrow rooms...not the favorite things to do if you are psionic that used to disable attackers with your telepathy.
I loved Fang’s dialogue after she pushes through her fear (paraphrased): “I forgot how easy humans are to kill; these guys are so dead!”
QuoteI am actually quite pleased for the dialogue in that original sexscene. Linda recognize her sister but cannot understand how she can have turned into a sexual bombshell and this give Patric the time window needed to order Jennifer to have sex with her and Linda does not get enough time to say enough for Jennifer to realize what she is doing.
When Linda talks with Eagle about Jennifer being Blade in a later chapter she talks about her mother dismissing the idea that Jennifer is Blade, but Linda actually avoids revealing she knows the truth since that would require her to reveal her embarrassing encounter with her sister.Yeah, you did a great job having dialogue that makes sense in hindsight and yet doesn’t give anything away the first time you read it. Speaking of which, I noticed one of your earlier review replies (on Chapter 6)…
QuoteInteracting with people that you don’t remember yourself might not be the best thing that can happen.
I see what you did there.
QuotePatric improving...*chuckles*...but people can be dangerous in different ways.
Very true. A less-than-brilliant kid playing with powers beyond his comprehension can be just as dangerous as a supervillain.
QuoteIf you really consider what happened in the previous encounter between Linda and Eagle where she overload the G.S.P. protective gear and compel him to have sex I think the news that she have mental powers is possible to anticipate, but I also suspect I make it kind of hard to spot since I work hard in the previous chapters to make Linda seem like a very minor character.
This fits with the “puzzle pieces I didn’t even realize you were adding” idea I mentioned with Carol. All of the clues make sense in hindsight, but at the time they don’t seem like anything important, since there are alternative explanations for all of them. Eagle having sex with Linda? We saw in earlier chapters that he’s kind of unscrupulous when it comes to sex, so it would make sense that he’d sleep with an adoring fan. Linda’s shocked reaction to seeing Jennifer in the park? Well, she is being approached by a naked woman, so shock is an understandable reaction.
And yeah, the stuff with Carol is an example of this done fantastically. Congressman Winthers hiring a PI to track her and being angry when he doesn’t know where she is? Well, she was kidnapped recently, so any dad would be a little overprotective. Her poor performance in school? Guess she was a lazy student who relied on her father’s money and influence. The cuts on her wrists? She must have been very hurt by the death of her mother and acted out through self-harm. It’s only after the reveal of what her father was doing to her, possibly for years, that everything looks different. He’s not an overprotective dad, he’s an abuser who doesn’t want his victim to get out from under his thumb (or perhaps doesn’t want her telling anyone else about what’s happened to her). Performing badly in school is a classic symptom of an abused child. The cuts on her wrist could be self-harm relating to her abuse or she might have even attempted suicide because of her trauma. That’s why I called it a great twist, because all the foreshadowing you set up had obvious alternate explanations. The twist wasn’t obvious, and yet once revealed it made perfect sense.
Speaking of Carol’s horrible family life…
QuoteWhen you asked me by PM if the story was safe to read considering you liked the story hook but was a bit worried about the story codes I had to think hard exactly about this scene that is very very far from feel good. Not that I can promise the rest of the story is a pure safe read, but this was the actual scene that I was not sure how you would view. Good that it got exactly the right response.
If this helps, I can handle a lot of horrible stuff happening to characters, provided said characters can recover. Carol went through something awful, but she has at least one friend now, as well as a contact in a superhero team, so even after those bad memories resurface, there’s hope for her life to improve. Firefly is currently in a bad place (yes, her masochistic tendencies are real, but the psionic effects have removed her ability to say no, and even masochists do want to say no from time to time), but this is a world with powerful psionics, including Linda, who can repair damage like that, so there is hope for her condition to be fixed. That’s really the key for me enjoying this story.
QuoteAbout the maze thing...the maze is not locking her memories away but is actually the psionic defense Mindeye put there to protect what he had done to her mind. Psionics cannot have slaves that knows all their secrets and is an open book to other psionics. The solution is to put traps there that will be dangerous for eavesdroppers. These are in the setting called logical mazes and trick the intruder to become lost inside the maze.
Ah, okay. I had thought the maze was a metaphor for the damage that one psionic inflicted while trying to brainwash her, but Mindeye and Jennifer did kind of break the law when they did what they did with Carol, so it does make sense for Mindeye to attempt to keep anyone else from digging around in her brain.
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7 hours ago, Melrick said:
Right off the bat, I’d like to point out that if the daddy part bothered you then we wonder how worthwhile it would be for you to keep reading, since there’s going to be plenty more of that to come over the following chapters, many of which we’ve already written, and right to the very end, which we haven’t written yet. We just thought we’d warn you to give you a more informed decision, and to cut off any ‘well that really turned me off!’ complaints
I wasn’t saying “well that really turned me off,” just that I didn’t find it super hot. As I mentioned in the review, it didn’t cause me to stop reading the chapter (there was plenty of other hot stuff in the scene). The only part of the story thus far that made me wonder whether I should continue reading was some concern over consent, which was cleared up several chapters ago. So no, further uses of “daddy” might not be a turn-on for me, but they’re not going to prevent me from enjoying the story.
QuoteAlso, I just thought I’d give you a bit of an insight into the reasons behind us writing this story. We wanted to write something that really appealed to the both of us, something that we would really enjoy writing and exploring, and that’s very much what we came up with. We love the story and we each love both of the characters – so much so that it’ll be a bit of a wrench when we have to leave them behind. We decided to upload it as well since maybe others might also enjoy reading it, but it’s first and foremost for us two. But we’re both firm believers in writing to appeal to ourselves first anyway, which we feel every writer should do!
I really hope I haven’t upset you two with my reviews. I wasn’t trying for that; all I was doing was giving my completely subjective responses to each chapter. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings. I want to point out again that this story is five chapters long so far, and the only chapter that alarmed me was Chapter 2, and that was due to me misunderstanding what was happening. Please don’t take any of my reactions as an indictment of your work. I’ve read stories that legitimately hurt me (emotionally, I mean), but I’ve never said that the authors shouldn’t have written them. I am a big believer in the idea that an author or authors should tell the story they want to.
I also very much understand writing something for yourself but hoping someone else might enjoy it as well.
So again, please don’t take this as me saying you two have done anything wrong, and know that I am genuinely enjoying the story.
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12 hours ago, JayDee said:
I think it was intended to be a trollfic originally
That’s the thing about the internet: you can never really tell whether you’re being trolled or whether this is just some really weird fanfiction.
QuoteI have no such excuse for my later Piranha Plant snuff flashfic, Phytoerotic Asphyxiation.
If nothing else, the title’s kinda funny.
QuoteI bet about now you’re wishing you had continued not remembering it?
Well, I’m never going to like snuff, but it was mercifully short, so it didn’t hurt as much as a longer torture/snuff scene would have.
QuoteI guess it all worked out in the end, as if you hadn’t gone for it we wouldn’t be getting The Woman In The Statue!
I was like a living pinball, bounced from this story to WoH, where I stuck for about a decade before being launched back out...okay, the pinball analogy doesn’t really work, but even so it is kind of strange how things work out sometimes. Fic works in mysterious ways...
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14 minutes ago, pippychick said:
lol… I’ve only just realised how that sounds. Of course I meant I hope you will continue reading!
Sorry for the misunderstanding! I felt bad leaving the reviews that fast myself, so I read your statement wrong partly out of guilt. I will definitely continue reading!
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5 hours ago, pippychick said:
And lastly… for now, hopefully…
Apologies for doing all the reviews so quickly, but I wanted to get caught up before the next chapter was posted.
QuoteI hope you will root for Ray and Nina by the end. Together, they are more than their age difference
Oh, age difference isn’t really a problem. I mean, my longest running story (which I have vowed to finish by the end of July!) features an eighteen year old boy paired with a fourteen billion year old woman, so compared to that Ray and Nina are practically the same age. The thing that made me uncomfortable during Chapter 2 was really just the question of how consensual this was. The whole reason the age of consent exists in the first place, after all, is that sometimes younger people are mentally more vulnerable to being forced or manipulated into sex, and I misunderstood what you were doing with Nina’s thought process and thought Ray might be coercing her into sex, which was where the Bad Touch feelings popped up. Of course…
QuoteI think she was more frightened of herself just then.
...that was the key component I was missing, that it was Nina thinking “Wait, what am I doing?” rather than “Wait, what is he doing?” The subsequent chapters did a lot to change my mind on the pairing, and definitely reassured me that Ray is ultimately a good guy.
QuoteAh… Melrick made you laugh… (points)
Yeah.
I’m definitely going to have to check out more of Melrick’s work in the future!
Quotelol… I will not say a word about breasts, or we’ll be here all day.
I was just joking. When it comes to what one finds aesthetically pleasing, it’s all a matter of personal preference.
QuoteRay is extremely lonely, and he’s not having an easy time of it even without having a girl throw herself in his way... and Nina is so terribly curious.
Definitely. I imagine the titular awakenings are more Nina’s, as a pubescent girl just now experiencing sexual attraction for the first time, though it could to some extent apply to Ray, I suppose.
Quote“Goddamnit Ray” made me laugh though.
Again, that was mostly intended as a joke, though my reaction was kind of like:
Me: Okay, I’m genuinely starting to accept that this relationship could work. For this story, I think I’m getting over the “fourteen year old” thing.
Ray: Even if she were 13…
Me: Don’t push it, man.
QuoteI hope you enjoy the rest
I think I will. In spite of my reaction to Chapter 2, I actually am rooting for these two now.
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On 6/12/2019 at 9:32 AM, Thundercloud said:
The inspiration of Hyper is actually a little known character named Super Sabre from the Marvel comics. He could create sonic booms by running quickly but not Flash-style insane power feats that basically means only speedsters can compete.
I like how you give these shoutouts to lesser known superheroes in the story, like the Wolfsbane references with Fang and now Hyper referencing Super Sabre. I don’t pick up on all of them, of course, but it’s neat for people who are really into the more obscure Marvel characters.
QuoteI so very much agree about the need of putting a silencer on the communicator...the reason they neglected this is probably that the super hero group was thought to be fighting aliens and the government really never thought about them going sneaky stuff.
That’s a good point. I’d kind of forgot about it, but you did mention back in the first chapter that the GSP was formed to combat the monsters, so yeah, stealth wasn’t as important when designing the equipment.
QuoteThank you...I have been considering using Hyper in a follow up story since she is fun to use in sex scenes.
Even for an F/F scene, I’d imagine she could basically turn her hands into living vibrators.
QuoteIt meant to be kind of ambient. Neither Thundercloud or Mernosh comes out looking good from it. It will be interesting to hear what you think when the wider context of what happened to Mernosh is revealed in a later chapter.
It definitely has me feeling a lot of things (I was kind of horrified by what I thought had happened), but like I said, I don’t want to respond yet, since this might not be what I think it is. On to the next chapter!
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10 hours ago, JayDee said:
I also slipped in “Helen Bobbi Heuchler” for the female variant. I called her Holly in the first draft before deciding it was a bit too parody-close to the actual governor, as I wanted to do different OC characters.
The governor of Alabama is Kay Ivey, which doesn’t really sound like...oh, I get it, because holly is a plant and ivy is also...yeah, I see what you mean.
QuoteThe surname has a meaning in German, and the Doctor’s does in Polish FWIW.
So Heuchler means...oh, that’s good. I would not have thought to look that up. The doctor’s name is kind of funny too, like naming a Japanese cop “Officer Keisatsukan.”
QuoteI was definutely going for the suggestion he’d fancied her when he was about the same age/slightly older, it was basically me doing a little Alabama incest meme’ing to demonstate how lusty he was gettin’
Ah, so more of a generic Deep South gag than an indicator of him being a monster.
I’ll fully admit I stole the Ugly Bastard joke from Gigguk.
QuoteHahaha! I hadn’t thought of that side of it. If I’d done the Kizzy epilogue I thought of,
“What did you hope to achive in Alabama?”
“O-”
“Besides orgasms?”
I was actually thinking about Lailah’s PoV anyway, because ever since the law went up, I was wondering what the Angel of Conception would think of it. I mean, on the one hand, if she attaches souls to embryos at conception, she’s probably not usually happy when an abortion happens (since I’d imagine she has to take the soul back and bind it to another embryo), but on the other hand, she’d no doubt be well aware that free will, the ability to choose, is one of the most important traits the Creator gave mortals, so it would likely be as complex an issue for her as it is for us.
But when I read this story, I was thinking like she would be watching all the souls passing from her to their human mothers, and knowing each one.
The Angel Lailah: “Twins, tall for babies and with black hair, to be born to Li Fang in Hangzhou, China. A beautiful little girl, red haired and with a light dusting of freckles across her cheeks, to be born to Beverly Hayden in Gloucester, England. A sweet little boy, brown of hair and eyes, to be born to Senator Billy Bob...wait, what? Humans can do that now? I don’t...wait, she’s involved? No, no that tracks.”
On the other hand, I am sorely, sorely tempted to use that “begone, THOT” thing, so we’ll see how this goes.
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7 hours ago, JayDee said:
I got this comment from someone on A Gamer Girl With Bite on ‘nother site that Mike was a cuck… I can only assume the word has changed meaning since he wasn’t in any kind of relationship and was the only dude who had sex in the story.
I guess some terms haven’t spread too far outside the US. So, “cuck” is still short for “cuckold,” but in recent years, specifically on the political right, the word has come to refer not only to a man whose girlfriend or wife is cheating on him, but to a man so weak and pathetic that he deserves to have someone else (a real man) steal his woman from him.
The idea, generally, is that the cucks are physically weak, emotionally sensitive/vulnerable or somewhat submissive in their relationships with their female partners, and that what these women really want is a dominant alpha male (usually one who’s physically strong as well, but that’s not necessary so long as he has a dominant personality), even if they don’t know it yet.
Mike is thus a cuck because he’s short of stature, not muscular and, I’m guessing, because he doesn’t really participate in the fight against the demon and lets Lupa handle it. The fact that she’s stronger than he is, faster than he is, more durable than he is and has more experience with this kind of stuff than he does is basically irrelevant. Remember on my thread the cultural conditioning I mentioned that’s part of why Kevin feels he has to go into the Second Rupture with Luzurial? This is basically it.
2019 Halloween Anthology Party Review Responses!
in General
Posted
*nods* My work here is done.
There is only one correct response to that.
I like the thought process, and the end result almost has an Indiana Jones vibe, which is awesome.
Oh, that wasn’t quite what I meant; I agree that F/F was the way to go there. It’s just that there’s a pair of siblings here bonded as intimately as possible during a sex scene. I personally wouldn’t know whether to add the incest tag or not. I think you made the right call, since the siblings aren’t having sex with each other, but I do go back and forth a little bit.
No problem!
I decided early on that I was going to review all the entries in this anthology (except mine, of course, as that would get harshly self-critical pretty fast), and as I worked my way through I was genuinely curious as to what your contribution would be. This was a nice surprise!