[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

And @Thundercloud reviews Part Eight!

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The interaction at the beginning of the chapter was nice. The idea of sex ending because of Luzurial getting worn out...seems much more likely that a bit of mind reading happened and she did not want to make him feel that he had let her down and faked her exhaustion.

So you and JayDee both had that thought independently.  Because of this, I have officially mentioned it inthe Author’s Note, and it may become canon as of the end of Part Nine.

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The exchange when arrived at the barrier was good written and I liked that humans had thought really hard about the situation, but that Luzurial could give them some good input. It is also very good that Kevin and the other hang arounds are not allowed inside. It is obvious they need to be there eventually, but bringing civilians into the war zone would be silly.

Thank you.  As you said, the idea was that humanity has been gaming out how we might respond in the event of another attack like this, but I really wanted Luzurial to be valuable for more than just combat, specifically as a source of information here.

As for keeping the students outside until they’re dragged in, it’s almost funny how long I spent trying different dialogue exchanges, trying to figure out how Kevin, Abdul and Calista were going to be let into the Rupture zone, before realizing that the reason none of the dialogue exchanges worked for me was because the whole idea didn’t work; the National Guard would have to be freaking insane, not to mention that the students barely survived the Applied Theology building, so Luzurial wouldn’t be keen on bringing them into something even worse.

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A slight suggestion...maybe you could in the next chapter reveal that Brendan as demonic ability got the ability to change his appearance. Would give a nice explanation why he avoided capture before this and could also open for Luzurial can make them escape a trap when she realize she cannot read the thoughts of person they meet.

I really like that idea!  We know the hybrids are stronger than normal humans, but there’s no reason to assume they wouldn’t have other abilities, perhaps granted by Eparlegna for specific purposes, and this would allow me to explain how he worked his way past a lot of the soldiers without resorting to a communication SNAFU.

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Finally I must say that the execution of the battle with the crawler was very good. That monster fight worked really well and it reminds the reader that some of id constructs are damn scary, it is not just cannon fodder for the soldiers.

Thank you again!  I really enjoyed writing that.  In the street scene, yeah, the incarnate sins are just monsters being fought by the military, but I do like to take the opportunity to remind readers that these things are literally condensed evil, and that should mean that a lot of them are downright terrifying.

Thanks for the review!

[JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread]

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

I figured that there’s been a few decades of people dying and then thinking they’re the first to quote some film at an angel and some of the angels have long since stopped finding it funny. The tall angel (who for the sake of naming in my head I’ve been thinking as Temira) is especially sick of it.

Speaking of angel names, the Principality Tegwen.  Google reveals that Tegwen is a name based in… I see why you were thinking of her having a Welsh accent.  And the tall angel, Temira...Temira is apparently a Hebrew name that literally means “tall.”

This works for the angel, obviously, but I really wonder who gives a human child a name like this.  I mean, how do you know if your kid’s going to be tall enough for that to make sense?

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

And @Sinfulwolf returns for Parts Seven and Eight.

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Good build up towards what I believe is going to be the end. You have a good set up for a final showdown. Loved that you showed the soldiers being professional, the atmosphere was good, and the creatures creative (seriously. That sloth thing, well done.)

First off, thank you for the review!  It was actually important for me to show how the National Guard is handling things this time around, in large part as a contrast to the first time.  I don’t think JayDee ever described what happened after the military went into the First Rupture, but I kind of imagined that when they suddenly found themselves facing real monsters under glowing, bruise-colored clouds, there might have been an understandable level of panic.  75 years later, they know that real monsters are a legitimate possibility, and have been trained, to some extent anyway, for this eventuality.

And thank you regarding the Crawler.  When I was writing Part Five, I considered having something Sloth-based in the App Theo building, but at the time I figured that since Sloth is basically laziness, it would likely be some kind of hilariously slow-moving blob thing and Luzurial wouldn’t even have to kill it; she and the humans could just break into a light jog and it would never catch them.  However, as the chapters went on, I had this idea for a creature that would essentially paralyze its prey, and went from there.  Aside from the obvious slug design, the slicing bone plates that serve as the Crawler’s jaws are kind of Dunkleosteus-inspired.

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When it comes to the sex, it was touching and sweet. That's important for what you have of the characters. But... I'm really confused to how Kevin lasted so damn long for his first time, over an arch-angel. I know you mentioned Luzurial not being experienced, but neither is Kevin.

I’m glad the emotion came through, especially since this is basically the sex scene I’ve been building toward since Part One.  As for why Kevin lasted so long, there are actually two possibilities.

The first, and admittedly the one I had in my head, was that it’s partly due to the “boost” Luzurial gave him, which affected endurance in addition to strength, and partly due to whatever weird effect sex has on angels in this setting.  I don’t fully understand it myself, but it seemed in Whore of Heaven that sex exhausted Luzurial in a way that combat never really would.  It may also have to do with the idea that she is far more sensitive to sexual stimulation than a human would be (another thing I pulled from WoH, where she feels intense pleasure the first time she’s touched sexually, when by rights she should be afraid rather than aroused given the situation).

Of course, there is another explanation, which JayDee proposed when I sent them the rough draft, namely that since we get “what happened last night” from Kevin’s PoV, we don’t know what Luzurial was actually thinking.  Kevin mentions that he’s glad they stopped when they did because it was actually starting to hurt for him, so it’s entirely possible that Luzurial, either through facial expressions and body language or through telepathy, realized that she was starting to hurt Kevin a little bit, and called an end to the night’s activities, claiming she was too tired in order to keep Kevin from feeling like he’d failed her somehow.  While I am the author, I’m not going to say that second explanation isn’t true, because frankly it makes a lot of sense.

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Other than that aspect it was well done. And also well done on not magically curing her with a dicking.

A big part of that is thanks to you and your feedback.  I knew I was going to end up dealing with the cliche as soon as I started writing the story, but your criticism did cause me to spend even more time trying to mitigate it than I likely would have otherwise.

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I'm also super happy you didn't have anyone give in and let Kevin, Abdul, and Caliste go into the rupture of their own free will. There's love and wanting to be with someone, then something that... just doesn't happen in real life. Not exactly a lot of stories about families following deploying soldiers, or Tactical Police Units and such to their engagements.

Yeah, when I was writing it, I struggled at first with how Kevin, Abdul and Calista would end up inside the Rupture.  I mean, they’re part of the main cast, so it didn’t feel right to just have them drop out of the story, but it kept coming back to “why would anyone let them go in there?”  Eventually, I realized that there just wasn’t any scenario under which a bunch of soldiers and an archangel, all of whom have as their job “don’t let civilians/mortals get hurt”, would just allow three civilians into the combat zone.  There was originally going to be a part of the dialogue exchange between Luzurial and Kevin where she just asked him point-blank if he had the training, experience or raw physical ability necessary to keep up with the soldiers, and he had to admit he didn’t.  I never ended up writing that, and I’ll admit I’m not sure why.  I guess I never consciously thought it out, but on some subconscious level felt that it wasn’t really necessary.

Speaking of conscious thoughts versus subconscious ones…

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Not sure why Kevin feels the need to, but I have a feeling it's cause 'soft woman must be protected by my maniliness' even if he doesn't admit it. It's a bit of a theme with him despite his words. Thoughts and actions right?

You know, one of the things I appreciate about getting feedback is it prompts me to think about character motivation in more detail than I do while writing, which can provide ideas I can use going forward.  So, on Kevin’s motivation...

I think there are three related but distinct mental concepts at play here.  The first isn’t really based on sex or gender, but rather is the simple idea that when you love someone, you don’t want to see anything bad happen to them.  Kevin knows terrible stuff has happened to Luzurial; she’s told him about it, so he hates contemplating it happening all over again, and he thinks that maybe if she had someone else with her, it might not happen.  He’s not even entirely wrong.  As Eparlegna pointed out to Luzurial during Whore of Heaven, if she hadn’t come to Earth alone, another angel could have released her from the holy circle or just killed him outright, since he only had one trap set, but because no one else was there to help, well…

What Kevin isn’t thinking about is that Luzurial isn’t alone this time.  She has Chloe and her team, along with literally an entire battalion of soldiers with her.  However, this comes down to the second idea at play.

Simply put, I think on some level Kevin still feels guilty over what happened to Luzurial in Room 502.  He knows she allowed herself to be violated for the second time in order to protect him, and he knows that wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t go into the room.  Luzurial brushed it off at the time (partly because she knows what it’s like to accidentally make a situation worse and partly because he cleaned up his own mess), but I think to an extent Kevin wants to redeem himself.

Finally, there’s the idea you touched on.  You said you figured Kevin thinks Luzurial is a soft woman he must protect as a man, and that he just doesn’t admit it.  I think it’s not that he doesn’t admit it; I honestly think he doesn’t realize it.  Consciously, Kevin is very much aware of how much stronger and more durable than him Luzurial is (given his repeated references to the car-catching thing, he obviously finds her superpowers attractive).  However, there is an aspect of how boys are raised, at least in my country, that I think affects how he acts.  Specifically, when you’re a man, there’s this idea that gets planted during childhood and reinforced throughout your life (again, this may just be an American thing), that if you don’t try to help a woman, then you’re being a jerk.  If you see a woman lifting something heavy and you don’t try to help lift it, you’re a jerk.  If a woman is in a dangerous situation (a combat situation, let’s say) and you don’t try to help her, you’re a jerk (the word “coward” may also be thrown around).

The problem is that, since this is subconscious, you’ll act on the idea even when a conscious examination of the situation would tell you that she doesn’t need your help.  Even if the woman lifting the heavy object is considerably stronger than you are, you’re still going to try and help her, not because you think she’s weak, but because you’re not thinking about it at all.  Even if the woman in the dangerous situation is a female soldier or police officer, you’re still going to feel compelled to help because again, you’re not thinking she’s incompetent, you’re just not thinking.  I think this applies, at least somewhat, to why Kevin wants to go into the Second Rupture with Luzurial.  He doesn’t think she’s weaker than he is, in fact he consciously knows it’s totally the opposite, but the subconscious drive is very strong.

I should note that there’s one situation where this doesn’t apply in the story, which is the moment when Kevin decides he’s definitely going into the App Theo building with Luzurial.  There, it’s not a subconscious drive, but a conscious decision brought on by the fact that he just watched her have a PTSD flashback outside.  Given that, he decides that maybe she could use some help. even if the help just consists of knowing that she has someone by her side.

This could actually be kind of useful for the finale, since Kevin will have some time during his Dude in Distress moment to think about things, and he might find himself ruminating on this very subject.

Finally,

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The one thing that bothered me, was Brenan. How he was able to just walk through and no one questioned him. Did Chloe really fuck up and not make her concerns public to the military she's been working with? Not even a hint of this possible danger now that the chips are down and the rupture is up? And he just drove out, without getting a single bullet in that SUV?

Chloe did send the list of names to her superior, but my original idea was that when the barrier went up, there was a bit of a communication error, and while there was inter-service cooperation between the PPD and the National Guard (what with Chloe and company being assigned to go in with the battalion and to liaise with Col. Castellano), in the confusion the list of names never made it from SAC Macmillan to the National Guard.

Is that stupid?  Well...very possibly.   Sorry about that.

As for the SUV being shot at, I seriously almost wrote that, but I wasn’t sure whether or not that would be more or less realistic than them not shooting at it.  I kinda flipped the coin there and, well, it didn’t turn out so well for me.  Sorry again.

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Otherwise, two solid chapters, and I'm looking forward to the final showdown.

Thank you.  It will be a while before we see Part Nine, since I’m still writing that one (all of the other chapters were already completed, and I just edited or re-wrote parts of them).  Hopefully it will be decent overall when I finally submit it!

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

Next up, one from @InvidiaRed

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"75 years earlier, she had given into despair.  Never again." Hands down the best bit in this chapter.

Thank you!  I actually revised that somewhat between the first draft and the one I uploaded.  I think in the original it was just “but she would not give up,” but I really felt like it could be phrased better, and I’m glad it worked out!

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“Dios mío,” Lilia breathed.  Apparently that statue had contained Wonder Woman. xD

I wrote that bit where Luzurial throws the machete into the Crawler, and almost immediately thought “Cue ‘Is She with You?’”  Couple that with the fact that Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman is my superhero crush and I had to make that joke.

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

Part Eight is now up, and we have two reviews already!

First up, @JayDee

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It’s a little bittersweet because it’s been an amazing read but there’s only one more part to come. Although if you do write more in the same universe we’ll get to see more so there’s that to look forward to sometime.

Thank you!  It’s kind of strange for me too, getting this close to the end.  Although, while I won’t spoil anything, should the ending go over well enough, there may be what I’m calling the Holiday Special.  Presented, one assumes, by Rankin/Bass; the sex is going to look really awkward in that limited stop motion of theirs.

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“I lost my virginity to an archangel,” is such a fun line. I dunno why, I just liked it.

I think it’s just one of those moments, sort of like “There’s an angel eating pizza on our sofa,” where the characters get to acknowledge how amazingly weird their circumstances are.

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Loved the touched by an angel gag too.

As did Abdul, obviously (“That joke was gold and you know it!”), though I really liked writing Kevin’s immediate reaction: “We can’t be friends anymore, Abdul.”

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Speaking of names, I liked that “Sounds Spanish” “It’s not” exchange – at least a bit of a recurring gag if not a running one!

A similar gag might (emphasis on might) appear elsewhere in the story’s universe.  “Ambruratem...is that Egyptian?”  “No.”

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Just from an ego thing, having Private Flynn in the same universe as the Vin Dijk building is awesome as a shoutout to other stories I scrawled.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this in the Author’s Note, but for anyone reading this now, Private Flynn may or may not be (but probably is) related to the Flynns of Twinpregnation and Mike Rapes a Dyke.  Interestingly, digging back through the reviews on Twinpregnation, I discovered that The K-Team originally made an appearance, which would put all of those stories in that universe.  Granted, that was an earlier draft, so I don’t need to feel like I screwed up, or at least that’s the story I’m going with!

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That bit of the end of it, the fact they know the kind of things that happens to female POWs, that was a pretty good touch. It kind of shows Chloe could expect things to go very badly for her if she was captured, but she’s doing her duty. It’d probably be looking bleak for Flynn, too, come to that. Chloe’s got a bit more in common with Luzurial there, for the horrors to face.

In a deleted scene (as in “I got partway through and then deleted it”) Private Flynn was almost going to be captured by a sin creature I was calling the Shrieker, a roughly avian horror with a sonic attack.  This was to end up with Luzurial fending off a biting attack by grabbing its jaws and holding them open, and then Gibbs was going to pull a Gungnir headshot while she was holding it.  However, I cut that scene short because…

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“So many of you will die,” Luzurial said, hearing the pain in her own voice.

“You’re a soldier, right?” Leary asked, his assault rifle pointed at the street intersection a few hundred meters ahead.  “Then you know sometimes that’s how the job is.”

“We’ve been preparing for this for the last seventy five years,” Chloe said.  “Please, trust us.”

There’s something about that bit especially, I teared up a little bit.

...That was the important part.  I realized that detailing the battle was just distracting from what I feel is the core of the scene, which is the decision Luzurial makes here.  I wanted that line, specifically the “trust us” bit, to be emotional, because that’s not just Chloe asking Luzurial to trust her team and the battalion they’re with, it’s Chloe asking the archangel to trust humanity.  The following moment where Luzurial elects not to craft the virtue creatures is where she chooses to do exactly that.

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“It’s why I exist.” ...I was going to crack a joke around the original meta-reason for her existing, but I was thinking about it today and came with the idea – I may be wrong and making totally inaccurate assumptions! -  that a part of the meta reason she exists in this story isn’t just you feeling bad about what happened to her back in Whore of Heaven, it’s because of your belief in her and how she should be there doing her job, destroying evil that threatens humanity? On that basis the four words there just feel a whole lot extra powerful.

Well, in-universe, it’s literal: the task that was entrusted to her by God, the duty that defines her, is the protection of Earth and its people.

Out-of-universe, if you want to go down this rabbit hole...Luzurial exists because someone wanted to see a beautiful angel get raped and tortured by a demon.  She’s here because I felt absolutely terrible for her, but the reason I felt absolutely terrible for her is because of what you just said.  I felt awful for Luzurial because I do admire her character, her compassion, her courage, all of it, and because it felt so profoundly unjust for her to spend the next 120 trillion to 30 tredecillion years alone and in agony because of a well-meaning mistake.  That wasn’t what she deserved.

What she deserved was to be standing right where she is, between the mortals she cares for and the evil that threatens them.

Apologies to those who really liked the original ending of Whore of Heaven, by the way; this is just my opinion.

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I think it’s cool you bought back Martinez – it works better than having her show up for one brief scene and then not appearing again, and readers will have that spark of recognition, too.

Thanks.  I was always going to have an LAPD PoV character there, but then it occurred to me that instead of spending time creating someone new, I could just bring back one of the detectives from Part One.

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Lilia met the street thug’s red eyes, winked and shot her through the head, This is one of my absolute favorite bits in a story with a lot of ‘em. Partly, it’s a fucking awesome reversal of what happened to Bernice, mostly it’s the whole catching her by surprise, fucking winking, and then putting that bullet right through.

I can’t remember if that was an intentional reversal of what happened to Bernice, but if it is, then it worked better than I had anticipated.  Bernice dies when she’s shot in the head by one of the hybrids because she’s trying to help Luzurial (given what happens to the other prisoners, though, not helping Luzurial wouldn’t have saved her).  Lilia kills a hybrid by shooting her through the head, in large part because Luzurial helps her.  It’s almost like, in some small way, the archangel gets to pay Bernice back for her efforts all those years ago.

Not that I did that on purpose, mind you, but sometimes you have to take a moment to appreciate when things just fall into place like that.

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o, yeah, fuckin’ loved it. More outstanding writing! You’re a creative genius, you are.

They’re flattering lies, though.

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As I mention above I am really looking forward to the last part/epilogue, with the sadness that once I’ve read those, that’s it... it’s finished…

Well, for the moment, anyway.  You never know, though...

[The Woman in the Statue]

Part Eight has been posted!

[CloverReef's Review Centre]

1 hour ago, CloverReef said:

I admit, I’m not entirely familiar with the religious significance. I’m aware there is some of course, but I was raised atheist and have never been all that interested in learning religious stuffs, so I’m quite ignorant on what that significance is.

Eh, it’s nothin’ much.  The Romans crucified this Jewish carpenter a few thousand years ago, and since there was this thing getting said about him being “King of the Jews” they stuck a crown of thorns on him.  Executing that guy...might have backfired a little.

In all seriousness, while the crown of thorns isn’t as famous as the cross, for Christians it’s heavily tied to the crucifixion/passion story, so it’s very much linked to the idea of suffering for the sake of others.  Here the symbolism is inverted, with others suffering for the King, hence my cringey reaction.

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I think it’s kinda in between. Like he believed in Serpentina, but though the consort thing started as a scam, he slowly grew to believe his own lies over the years. Hard not to! Everyone else did!

True enough.  Something I forgot to mention in the review itself is that I like how the religion was corrupted here, since it went from worship of the deity to something more of a cult of personality, with people worshiping the King instead of the goddess he was supposed to be an intermediary for.

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Corine was unlucky. I don’t really go into it in the story, but the drought was completely natural, she just happened to be born at the start of it, and the toxic powers and the superstitions of the people twisted that coincidence into something they believed was evil. You’re right tho, that Corine was born to right the wrongs, she just had to find out she could do it first! This was my intention for it anyway, lol.

There really needs to be a facepalm emoji here, but this will have to suffice:

I really should have figured out that the drought might have just been a coincidence.  Oh well, this is why the forum exists, so I can ask the authors about this stuff! 

One last thing I forgot to say in the review: I like that you had a snake deity that was benevolent.  Snakes, like bugs, often get a bad rap and appear frequently as bad guys in fantasy settings (the Yuan-ti from Dungeons & Dragons, the snake god Yig from the Cthulhu Mythos, etc.), but I’ve always thought they were really cool animals.  While they do make for cool villains, it’s nice to see them as good guys here.

[JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread]

16 hours ago, JayDee said:

I figured that as a Seraph, Kizurial was probably too far removed from humanity, unlike a Luzurial or Chastia type, to see them in a sexual way any more than she would other mortal sentient species. She was probably effectively asexual even, with affection and compassion and so on, but no sexual desires in that sense.

I’d imagine that in her true form she probably doesn’t have primary sex characteristics, so asexual would be my description.

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Now there’s a place where more insistant thoughts from the re-merged mask part of her could color her thoughts. She totally ignored any attracting thoughts of Jude’s appearance when she first met him, but now, if a guy with an actual decent personality (or a terrible bad guy genuinely seeking redemption and reforming) flirted with her…

Awkward moment.  Still, we know from You! that her personality isn’t changed so much as to be unrecognizable, so it’s character development rather than derailment, thankfully.

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Oh, god, I just had an awful inappropriate thought for I! if I manage to write it…

I’m afraid to ask, but a part of me really wants to.

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It doesn’t get rid of his guilt, or make him any better of a person – and Kizzy snapping at him is me trying to make it clear that it doesn’t really make amends even if she finally accepts his apology

True, but the first step to becoming a better person is realizing you have a problem, and this is probably as direct a way of showing him that as possible.

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Is it pretentious that my replies to reviews seem to end up longer than the story parts? I think maybe it’s because you’re writing in the shared universe I like to expand on my thoughts around it, even in reply to other reviews, or more like I just like rambling on. Probably that.

I don’t think it’s pretentious at all.  This is the place where you can fully explain, as you said, your thoughts on the story and the ideas behind it, and I’m always glad to hear them.

[TCR's Review Response Thread]

19 minutes ago, Tcr said:

I struggled with what and how much to show when they dropped to keep suspense and tension growing.  Based on the questions, I'd say went quite well.  But I can't give away too much.  Lol.

Oh, it went quite well, alright.  I am very interested and yet legitimately have no idea what happened here.

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And with Sam...  Um...  I think I originally had it as someone else, then cut that back to avoid too many characters in that kitchen and gave Sam the line.  Oops, again.

Don’t worry about it.  Like I said, her perspective on the rebels might have gone out of whack for a moment due to the HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT HAPPENED that they just saw outside.

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YAY!!!  Great to hear and I'm glad to keep your interest piqued.

Absolutely.  This really drew me in, and I’ve added your story to my “currently reading” list on my archive profile, so hopefully anyone who goes through said profile will be encouraged to check it out.  Even if they don’t, I’ll keep coming back.

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

@pippychick returns to review Part Six!

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The confrontation was amazingly well done. Very reminiscent of WoH and I particularly like the image Eparlegna gave us of Luzurial appearing at Heaven. That's very cruel, and it's so true to character. The transformation that's done for Kevin's benefit is quite daunting too. So many good bits in that scene I can't possibly list them all. I probably missed saying this last time, but I love the imagery of the dead students sitting upright in place like an audience - very good.

Thank you!  The torture and mocking line about her going back to Heaven was indeed meant to call back to WoH (even to a specific line of Eparlegna’s), as were the students set up like an audience.  When the barrier draws back in WoH, there’s a line about how some of the corpses are posed in grotesque parodies of life, which is what I was going for with the lecture hall.

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The sin monster of Kevin's was amazing, and I kind of like sloths, but the idea of a gigantic faceless one chasing me is quite frightening. Unlike the spider, I can definitely imagine letting the creature defeat itself the way Kevin did. Great writing!

Is it possible to catch diabetes from sheer cuteness?  Because if it is, then baby sloth compilations on Youtube have to be the leading cause.  Having said that, the Wrath creature was definitely meant to be as physically intimidating as possible.  I think the image I initially had was of a skinless, eyeless polar bear, but then I saw this picture that managed to make Megatherium look unintentionally terrifying, and I realized that if you took the long, curving claws that sloths have and attached them to something really aggressive, they’re suddenly not so cute anymore…

I’m also really glad you liked the way it’s defeated.  I couldn’t think of anything as clever as the way Abdul and Calista blow up the Charnel Spider, but thought that since anger is often self-defeating, maybe there was a way for the monster to kill itself, and that even if Kevin was absolutely terrified, he could still have enough presence of mind to make the knock-out-the-pillars plan work.

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Now, the beginning of the aftermath... I get how Luzurial feels, but I wonder, because clearly she made the choice to submit to Eparlegna to protect, and I'm surprised she's not logical enough to understand that even afterwards, she must continue to make that choice in her thoughts. Especially given that she's an archangel, she must understand those kinds of choices, and accept the inherent risk in them. The only way I can explain it is that she feels so much for Kevin that her emotions are clouding her judgement of herself? In a way, meaning she blames herself instead of accepting what has happened. Hmm... she's seeming very human all of a sudden. I am not sure what to make of it.

What’s upsetting her isn’t really what happened in the lecture hall; it’s what happened 75 years earlier.  She knows she let Eparlegna rape her again to save Kevin from being skinned alive, but a combination of the experience and the fact that Kevin saw it means that she feels that he now knows what she “did” back in Whore of Heaven, and this has to do with her sense of self-worth and the damage inflicted to it by the torture and rapes she suffered back then.

You noted that she feels more human during the car scene.  To some extent, I tend to write her more human from time to time because of the moments in WoH that I really liked, where we learned that Luzurial is actually very relatable in spite of being an archangel (very human, in other words)  I try to balance that with her immortality and superhuman nature, but sometimes I lean too far one way or the other.

Partly, though, I think her coming across as more human here is because of the emotionally vulnerable state she’s in at this moment.  If I may quote an earlier post of mine in this thread, Luzurial is...

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...a combat veteran with superhuman strength and durability, as well as the experience of a military career that stretches back fourteen billion years.  However, she is vulnerable specifically when it comes to the issue of sexuality.  In Whore of Heaven, it's established that angels are required to be celibate (or at least they think they're required to be celibate), so while she clearly knows what sex is, Luzurial has a degree of naivete on the subject that I always found deeply sympathetic.  Over the course of the story, she is attacked and shamed repeatedly, specifically using sex (and her body's involuntary reactions to it) as a weapon against her.

By the time we meet her in The Woman in the Statue, she's also spent 75 years inside of the coating, during which time, when she can form coherent thoughts through her pain, all she's really been able to think about is everything she did wrong, second guessing every single decision she made that led her to where she is now.

Given all of this, by the time she's freed, Luzurial's self-esteem is pretty badly damaged.  I have no doubt she could heal on her own, but it always helps to have a support system.  Kevin, in spite of his one actiony moment here in Part Six, is not really capable of helping in battle, so the only thing he can offer her is to be that support system.  This is particularly important concerning ... that Luzurial has elements of her experience that she considers her Dark Secret.

In this case, the Dark Secret is the multiple orgasms she experienced during the sexual assault back in Whore of Heaven.  Now, she hasn't actually done anything wrong (arousal and orgasm are involuntary physical reactions), but due to the perceived ban on angels ever knowing physical pleasure, she considers this a sort of shame.  Some of my research also indicated that sometimes rape survivors feel ashamed, especially if they cooperated with the rapist in any way, which Luzurial eventually did.

So her sexual experience is a spot in which she is emotionally vulnerable, and I think she reads as more human in this scene because of that vulnerability.

Once again, thank you so much for the review! 

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

9 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:

This is one of the worst ideas in the history of forever. Short term gain is not worth. The vindictive and total opposition long term. People get patient, they get clever and then just at the moment of triumph or weakness and then they come at you with everything in a total I'm taking you with me mentality.

In summation... Just don't go after people's loved ones. Its a bad idea in a history of bad ideas.

I suppose that’s good advice for aspiring supervillains.   I was specifically referring to something near the end of Part Six, though:

Spoiler

That bit where Eparlegna uses Kevin against Luzurial.  Granted, that does end with Eparlegna getting shot in the balls, so you’re right; it is a bad idea!

And now, for the last of the reviews I received yesterday, this one from @Thundercloud

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I really like this chapter that managed to mix quite many themes in a good way.

The scene when Luzurial does her inne will trick to the water is very cool and helps lot to make her angel status be something more than just super powers and wings. It also works as a good buildup for the later development when you consider what a girl flipping her hair means in body language.

First, I’m really happy you liked the chapter!

Second, I’m a chronically socially awkward guy, so I actually had no idea what the hair flipping thing meant until just now.  Assuming angelic body language is the same as human body language (and there’s a sentence that isn’t written often), then that is a nice little bonus feature!

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I liked the scene with cold blooded Cassie and the explanation for the attack on he UCLA seemed kind of logical if you are a meglomanic. A smarter plan would of course been to stay hidden until he had disabled the magic shelters and used more smart methods to find minions but it is Eparlegna..

Yeah, that’s about it.  He’s not entirely wrong, and it did net him ten extra followers.  He does also have a bit more of a plan than he did last time, but as you indicated, he has a bad habit of underestimating humanity and, as I said in my response to InvidiaRed’s review, the power granted by his new body might be causing him to do a little less planning than he did back in Whore of Heaven.

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Looking at the end game of the story I think I would like to see narrative where the humans bring down Eparlegna and he comes for Luzurial for revenge but she has healed enough emotionally to defeat him. A final battle where Luzurial does the task herself can of course also work, but that misses the point about humans are supposed to stand on their own.

As it is, the plan is for something in between.  There is going to be a final fight between Luzurial and Eparlegna, as I couldn’t very well have her stay away from the situation (it’s just not who she is as a character), but she’s not going to try to solve the problem on her own; human forces are absolutely going to be involved.  This will become clearer in Part Eight.

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As for the sex you really deliver here and has written something that really fits with the build up. It is both smoking hot and deliver on the emotional themes of story.

 Thank you!  This was basically the sex scene I’ve been building up to since Part One, and I really wanted it to be both erotic and emotional, hence why I keep referring to it as a love scene.

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Each time you write about your supposed lacking authors skills it makes me shake my head in disbelief.

I’ve started thinking JayDee, pippychick and I are all in a sort of support group for writers with low self-confidence, because I say the same thing to either of them when they express doubt in their own abilities.

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I look forward to the end of the story and think you will create truly spectacular.

We have one more chapter before the finale, but I hope it’s good when it gets here, and thank you for the support!

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

Up next, @InvidiaRed reviews Part Seven!
 

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Favorite passages of this chapter. 

No.  He doesn’t get to take anything else. (This is an important part of healing.) That affirmation.

also this (So this was how it was meant to be) To see it as it was always meant to be. Something not taken but given freely. A positive experiance helps.... as is repetitive reminding of the good

Thank you!  I definitely wanted the love scene between Luzurial and Kevin to be part of her healing process, and one of the biggest parts of that, for me anyway, was that first line you mentioned.  She and Kevin could just kiss for a while and then go to sleep.  Kevin’s a teenage boy, so he’ll be somewhat disappointed, but he also feels very strongly for her (there’s a word for that, but he’s afraid to use it), so he’d definitely be willing to do it.

However, as Luzurial realizes, avoiding things that remind her of her rape will mean that Eparlegna has effectively taken sex away from her forever, and the only memories she will have of those acts and sensations will be those of pain and shame.  So she decides right there that she will not allow that to happen, and that she wants to have, as you said, a positive experience, to feel sexual pleasure as it was meant to be: not used as a setup for hurting her or a way of shaming her, but given as a gift, for no other reason than that the giver wants her to have it.

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"This is like the difference between shooting someone and nuking a city."

Yeah, I like that line too, especially since Eparlegna basically has nuked cities in the past.

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If Lucifer has to play subtle maybe... Just maybe its cause being this overt might have consequences of the unforunate variety.

There’s actually a scene near the end of Part Nine where that very thing gets discussed.

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The difference between arrogance and confidence is razor thin indeed.

Yeah, he’s basically acting the same here (assuming I’ve done this right) as he did in Whore of Heaven.  In WoH, everything worked out in his favor, but there he had planned things out meticulously beforehand, in part I imagine because he knew he was relatively weak, and any fight between him and an angel would have lasted about five seconds.  Here, though, he has a new, more powerful body, and I think the power has made him somewhat more careless.  He can torch an army, so he’s less dedicated to planning things out.  In a way, becoming stronger has made him weaker.

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What happens when she reacquires her sword?

An archangel fights a firebreathing dragon.  If I manage to write Part Nine well (fingers crossed), that will be just as awesome as it sounds.

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

And now for the reviews!  First, @pippychick reviews Part Five.

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Lots happening here! Good job describing the carnage in the lobby. I could see the blood spray everywhere, and smell it. Lol, not sure how Freudian the idea of Luzurial killing a giant dick is, but it made me smile.

  InvidiaRed called it a “sudden Prince Albert,” which I thought was pretty funny.  It wasn’t really meant to symbolize anything, it was just the first monster present, and I kind of wanted to set up the joke with Calista (“There’s no way I’m coming out of this vent!  That’s exactly what the penis worm wants!”).

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I was a bit puzzled why they got everyone else to the entrance, then split up and let Abdul alone to get Calista. Seems like a few moments here wouldn't have made that much difference.

Basically, Luzurial is hoping to shoo the mortals out gently so they don’t get hurt during the confrontation with Eparlegna, so she’s hoping both of them will go get Calista.  However, Kevin is, as Abdul says, pretty much glued to her at this point, so he’s not leaving her.  That means that either everyone has to go in to face Eparlegna together and then get Calista, everyone has to go get Calista first and then face Eparlegna, or Abdul has to go get Calista.

The first option doesn’t work because I think everyone, Luzurial included, knows that they can’t kill Eparlegna at this point, only force him to use enough power for survivors to escape, so they likely would have been running away from said confrontation and might not have been able to retrieve Calista afterward.

The second option would technically work, but delaying long enough to go grab Calista would mean leaving the students in Room 502 to Eparlegna for a few more minutes, and when Luzurial and Kevin do arrive, Hana Moon is about ten seconds from getting raped by a demon.

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But I did like the confrontation with Eparlegna. That line, “Now how many mortals have I heard scream that?” was particularly spot on.

Thanks!  I rather liked that line too.  I mean, during his rampage before being sealed, I’m sure he raped mothers in front of their children, wives in front of their husbands...at some point, he’d pretty much have to find people begging him to stop either amusing or annoying, and since he’s a sadist I went with “amusing.”

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I like how they dealt with the spider, though I'm not sure I would have had that kind of clarity of mind when it was trying to get in the door, lol.

Oh, neither would I!  I probably would have gotten to “throw the acid at it”, and then run.

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Now it just remains to be seen what happens with Luzurial. I sense it's not going to be easy for her…

Yeah...remember how you said in your review of Part Four that people you care about can be used against you?

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Wonderful, as usual! Thank you so much for writing and sharing your work with us.

Thanks for reviewing!

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

So I started work at 6:00 AM yesterday, and given that I’m not generally a morning person, when I lay down on my bed to watch some TV last night, I straight up passed out, which meant I never got around to replying to some things on this thread.

No problem, I thought.  After all, I just have to respond to one of JayDee’s posts and a review from pippychick.

Then, while I was at work today, ALL OF THE REVIEWS HAPPENED.

So let’s get to these things!  First...

On 3/12/2019 at 12:28 PM, JayDee said:

“That one up there? That’s not a star. I hope it does not come this way.”

Little did we know I was secretly writing a Hellstar Remina crossover.

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Epar and Legna are both words in latin or Italian, and Spanish has roots in latin so it works for Spanish too. Definite romance language feel…

So his name translates to “liver wood.”  If I didn’t know it was “angel rape” backwards, I’d swear you were going for a shoutout to The Screwtape Letters.

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“Should we recall Father Donal?”

“No, just message him to start drinking on the flight.”

“After what happened to those hybrid eejits interrupted him drinking in Derry?”

“That’d be why.”

“God forgive us.”

Okay, so I realize now that “Derry” is probably short for Londonderry, but for a minute I thought that meant Father Donal had dealt with Pennywise the Clown.

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Another thing that works with it, is that Kevin’s a college kid and a lot of the modern colleges (so presumably still doing it come 75 years) are encouraging folks to re-confirm consent so it comes across as Kevin also recalling sexual conduct induction! Well, I thought so.

I hadn’t thought of that, but it does totally work!

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Blessing makes sense! I mean, angel, right?

Yeah, that was the idea.

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Molly may have inadvertantly kissed her while working downstairs

Sorry, I should have been clearer.  I meant a kiss on the mouth.

[TCR's Review Response Thread]

On 3/11/2019 at 8:55 AM, Tcr said:

And yes, war and conflict are never as simple as black and white, at least never as teachers and instructors like to present.

In fairness to said instructors, wars are such complex things that you could probably spend an entire semester just discussing one of them, and usually a class has to cover centuries worth of history, so I can see why they tend to simplify things.

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Lol.  The M-420, which will be explained a little more as the tale goes on, is a GPMG (general purpose machine gun)

I imagine, then, that there will be a moment where the characters will have to...#M-420blazeit.

I regret nothing!

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I think I might have forgotten to change some of its designation though...  oops.

Oh, that happens to all of us.  I go through my own story from time to time looking for typos, and I found two of them in my latest chapter just today.

[Thundercloud's Review Responses]

On 3/12/2019 at 6:51 PM, Thundercloud said:

Good that you liked the action. The Violence tag for the story is very much for the occasions when Jennifer lets her wild side loose and this is the first major one.

If this was just the first, I am so looking forward to the other ones.  I get why you added the Violence tag, though, since that energy blade does some nasty things to human bodies.

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Actually I at one point considered to avoid using the word werewolf at all before be reveal in this chapter...but it felt kind of silly with referring to a talking wolf and just using wolf didn’t fit either. A bit like authors try to explain that a werewolf is very dangerous and large by comparing it to a pony and I cannot help giggling each time since I think of a pony dressed in a werewolf costume.

Okay, that image is hilarious, and yeah, there’s something funny about comparing anything to a pony and then trying to insist that it’s scary, given the inherent cuteness associated with ponies.  It’s like describing a giant bug as “a spider the size of a Pomeranian!”  If you’re not going for a joke, you should probably just say “dog.”

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Eventually I decided that it seemed plausible that Fang would insist of using her real race name and modern people would still assume she was scientific experiment rather than the true deal.

Absolutely, especially in a universe where magic isn’t acknowledged yet.

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Naming her as werewolf is also a hint towards people that are Wolfsbane fans that the story eventually will feature such elements. Of course if you ask me Fang do have interesting powers and does pack a much meaning super hero punch than the marvel hero that I found interesting but irritatingly weak.

I’m not too familiar with the New Mutants so I’ll have to take your word for it on that one, but it is pretty cool that you gave a shoutout to a lesser known Marvel superhero.

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You make some pretty good comments about serious implications of using psionics on other people. This is a theme that I can promise will be dealt with more detail in upcoming chapters. Mindeye is kind of shady but also built a reputation as super hero after going after the really bad psionics that are out there. There are few characters inthe story that will not eventually have facethe consequences of their actions.

Like I said, he doesn’t come across as a villain.  In fact, his reaction when he thinks Jennifer is hiding something indicates that Mindeye really does care for the well being of the team.  As you said, he’s just kind of shady, kind of like Eagle in that earlier chapter.

And yeah, mind control is something that always makes me a little uncomfortable when it’s used in the context of sex and relationships.  If I may digress a bit, that was why I liked the main character of The Master Program so much: he actually doesn’t want to abuse the power he’s been granted.

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The first version of the text actually had Jennifer making here first idea about mutilation of private parts real...but then I decided that it was better to show off Jennifer’s coldness as she plan her revenge.

I think I like this version better.  If she’d just carved McFenna up, she might have ended up in some serious trouble, and I’d imagine she doesn’t want to cause yet another headache for her superiors (especially after the fight in the store).

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All I can say is poor girl…

Oh definitely.  Of course, I can see why Jennifer waits.  It’s cold, as you said, but if her plan is going to work, then McFenna has to be caught in the act in an undeniable way, so she kind of had to let him get started before alerting the other doctors.

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

Okay, before anything else, I want to try something here, something that will come in very handy when it comes to the Author’s Note for Part Nine: putting most of the AN in a post here and linking to it from the story.

Extended Author’s Note (Part Seven):

This chapter was late because it went through significant rewrites.  The confession scene especially was changed.  The original version was more about Luzurial’s general angst and had her far sadder, while the new version focuses on her misguided shame over sex and she’s somewhat angrier at herself.  Both end the same way, though, with the discussion of the celibacy decree.

You see, back in Whore of Heaven, JayDee had Eparlegna wonder why God would give angels sex organs and then demand that they be celibate.  I initially thought it was an anti-religion thing about God being cruel and hypocritical, but when JayDee pointed out that maybe I shouldn’t be taking the rape demon’s word at face value (in hindsight probably something I should have realized…) I then couldn’t stop wondering why.  Assuming, as I do, that God isn’t cruel, then I thought that maybe angels (and thus demons) just thought they had to be celibate, because somebody made a mistake.  This was why I introduced the Celestial Hierarchy all the way back in Part Three: if God gives decrees to all angels directly, then there can be no mistake, but if there’s a chain of command, then a message might get altered over the many times it changes hands.  So JayDee asked why angels have sex organs, and my answer was “so they can have sex.”

Speaking of which, I realized that in the original version of the love scene Kevin didn’t have any misgivings about making love to an angel, which felt wrong to me.  I remembered that bit from Part Six about how he sometimes feels his attraction to her is almost an insult, and brought that in, with him thinking that he would somehow be degrading something wondrous and beautiful.  I thought he might be able to overcome those worries by asking for her permission to cross several “thresholds”, which is where the “May I” bit came from.  That and I think there’s something kind of romantic about him asking if he can kiss her.

Earlier in the chapter, I mentioned the funniest thing Luzurial had ever heard a leader yell during a battle.  Well, the Battle of Dorylaeum took place on July 1, 1097 AD, during the First Crusade.  Crusading forces led by Bohemond of Taranto were pinned down by the Seljuk Turks until the forces of several other crusaders were able to pull off flanking attacks to relieve them.  After seven straight hours of being pelted with arrows, Bohemond ordered his men to abandon the shield wall they had made, remount their horses and charge the Turkish line.  And in this desperate hour, his inspiring “Once more unto the breach, dear friends” line was “Hodie omnes divites si Deo placet effecti eritis!” which translates from the Latin as “Today, if God’s willing, WE’LL ALL BE RICH!”

No, seriously, that’s what he said.

I don’t imagine God approved of the Crusades, and I imagine Luzurial wouldn’t have either, and was likely feeling rather somber as she watched the battle unfold.  However, given that she had fought in scores, maybe hundreds, of battles with nothing less than the fate of creation itself on the line, hearing a battlecry so absurdly materialistic would likely have seemed hilarious.

Finally, I had planned for the final confrontation with Eparlegna to take place atop a very tall building, but didn’t have any specifics on what that building would be.  Then I had this weird but (to me) kind of amusing idea for a cameo in Part Nine by the Villain Protagonist of another JayDee story (Mike Rapes a Dyke), and asked if I could include it, which led to the VD building.

[SinfulWolf's Review Responses]

16 hours ago, Sinfulwolf said:

Oh, she is changed. Read the story proper, and you’ll see. Bwahahahaha.

Oh, I’ll get to it for sure!  First, though, I wanted to check out Closing Time, so you’ll get a review on that before I get to Blood and Lace.

[JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

That was the very first draft. I can totally see me thinking up jokes when I go back through and deciding to ruin the mood with them.

You could always do what I did for The Woman in the Statue during our emails and mention jokes you thought of but didn’t use.

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There is that. I always prefer reading other folks stuff to be sure.

I’m going to circle back to that in a minute.

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I have thought of a way to get her out as part of Jude’s story, but it’ll need an extra chapter. An Epilogue part maybe! I’ll see how it goes Damn thing keeps expanding.

I know what that feels like.  You may recall that WitS was originally only going to be four chapters long.  Four very large chapters but still.

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You have nothing to apologise for! Never know what kind of suggestion might spark someone into something. It doesn’t feel remotely like pushing – apologies though if anything I’ve said felt like pushing with yours, I mean except for stoner and sloth monster, I totally pushed for that.– and sorry ‘bout the whole feels again thing. I wasn’t really joking about the Sad Shannon Oneshot, if you needed to write something around that or any of the other bits go ahead!

And now we come back to what I was talking about before.  See, reading this didn’t hurt me the way Whore of Heaven or the Lailah corruption scene and its aftermath did, so I’m not writing an SAO.  If that Shannon fic ever gets written, it’s going to be by you (I know your response is likely to be something like “then it's not getting written,” but never say never...).

No, what I meant by the feels was something completely different.  I know WitS is canon, but since you’re the original author, I have a tendency to think of your stories as the “real” stories, or perhaps the “main” stories, the way that Earth-616 is Marvel’s main universe.  When the Duchess was, ahem, enjoying thinking about Luzurial’s effectively eternal suffering, it made me kind of sad, but it also gave me this sort of bittersweet hope, only reinforced by Shannon doing a small amount of time as a statue, that there would be some acknowledgment of what Luzurial was going through, some expression of empathy or sympathy for her, in the main stories.  I became sad again as it became clearer that wasn’t going to happen; that the only one sparing her a thought would be the Duchess relishing her pain.

Again, this is not me pushing.  I’m not saying you need to or should include this.  You have a plan for how this story is going to go, and I’d feel guiltier than you would believe if I screwed it up, especially since the list of “people who feel really bad for Luzurial” is...a rather short one.  I’m just trying to explain myself.

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So here’s where it might be helpful to come to the conclusion that Kingmaker711 won’t be coming back to you.

I mean, I figured that out a while back.  I tend to assume that if I don’t hear back from someone within two weeks, I’m just not going to hear back from them.  When I said “on hold indefinitely” I didn’t mean “any minute now...”, but rather “I’m probably not writing this story.”

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Maybe he’s quit erotic writing for mainstream writing, or decided he was living in sin and joined a church or even woke up one night to see Gabriel putting pool balls into a sock with a “So, I heard what you wrote about my girlfriend” expression.

I’m fairly certain the first one’s closest.  He left a farewell message on his Literotica profile, and said that while he enjoyed writing for the site, his life was drawn to other things now so he didn’t have time to write for it anymore.

The problem with trying to get help in modifying the story is that I would have to pretty thoroughly spoil the villain’s plan to explain where the similarities to TGND begin and end.  I could explain it to you via PM or email, but again, that would only be if you didn’t mind spoiling a significant part of the potential story.

Finally, I noticed this:

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I guess Kizzy has a plan, like the A-Team’s Hannibal she loves it when a plan comes together.

Well, shit.  I am now legally obligated to do this.

*theme music begins*

In 2011, a group of four girls was targeted by an undead serial killer and a hillbilly rapist.  These girls promptly escaped with extreme prejudice.  Today, still wanted by the forces of evil, they survive as a tight-knit group of friends.

If you have a problem.  If no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...The K-Team.

Starring

Kizzy “I love it when a plan comes together” Dieudonné

Shannon “(will sit on your) Face” MacDuff

Kate “Howlin’ Mad” Wilde

Lupa “my Boot troubles your Ass” Lopez

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

And now the first for Part Seven from @JayDee.

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Also, Eparlegna does have kind of a silly name.

I actually wanted to have the same “is that Spanish?” running gag that I have with Luzurial’s name, because while “Luzurial” actually contains a Spanish word, “Eparlegna” sounds like a Spanish word that doesn’t exist.

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Luzurial’s magic hair drying - “This one archangel has an amazing hair trick! Salon owners hate her!”

For those who don’t recall, or haven’t read the first story, there was this bit after Luzurial landed in the blood-spattered streets of LA that she took to the air again and the blood and filth just kind of fell off of her.  I wasn’t sure whether this was an automatic thing or if she had to concentrate on it, but that was her at 100%, which she is not at now, so whether or not it was automatic, now she has to concentrate.  I thought her willing the water to just fall off of her was a nice way to reference that, and also to prompt a discussion of how angelic powers work.

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The scene with a the agents is pretty good with the foreboding.   The destruction of the havens is an absolutely perfect reason for Eparlegna not moving immediately – if he can defeat defences that might be used against him then taking a few days to do it makes a heck of a lot of sense.

Thank you.  I knew the timeline was going to end up compressed because Eparlegna doesn’t seem like the kind of villain likely to delay his attempt at taking over the world, but I wanted as much time as possible for Kevin and Luzurial to interact back at the motel, so I had to create some sort of delay.  I figured that the same way we have designated shelters for hurricanes and other disasters, there might be designated shelters for the eventuality of another Rupture scenario, and damaging their protective magic could explain the delay before the really crazy stuff happens.

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I really liked how Luzurial wanted to look up at the stars. In a way it’s looking at the largest portion of the glory of creation you can at one time from Earth. Maybe. It was nice, anyway.

Sometimes I just have visual images pop into my head and I don’t entirely know where they come from.  In this case, the whole scene just started with this image of Luzurial sitting alone by the pool watching the stars, and the scene grew from that.  It is a powerful idea, that this is as much of creation as you can see from Earth.

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Also, this line “The lights in the pool were on, and as they shone through the rippling water they cast an ever-shifting latticework of soft blues and greens on him.” It’s just a really nice line, it stuck out for a kind of beautiful imagery – can really see the dancing colors.

Thank you!  In the first draft, that was Luzurial being painted by refracted light, but then I realized I was short on Luzurial PoVs for this chapter, and given what happens in the chapter I really needed more from her perspective.  I did like the description, though, so I just had her see Kevin that way instead of him seeing her that way.

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...and then Cassie. Fuck Cassie! Seriously, tough Cassie is fucking evil! It’s a really chilling section especially that bit about how she still sees Adeline, and the hostility is gone. Just, wow. I don’t think it would have quite the power if she went for Adeline directly. Eparlegna tired of Cassie’s wavering faith and made an example of her (or just a sandwich) I don’t think many readers would complain.

I realized I hadn’t had anything on Cassie and why she was part of the “cult,” which is why I added this scene.  I thought about the circumstances under which one might do something really terrible, and retaliating against a bully seemed like a pretty good option.  I wasn’t exactly sure what was going to happen, but then when I read about Flauros, and his ability to kill the summoner’s enemies with fire, I had a pretty horrific idea of what I could do.

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The explanation of the purpose behind Eparlegna’s attack at the ApTheo building, drawing out more mortals he can use, was a good little touch. It provides more of a reason for it than ‘Just wanted to fuck some shit up,’ which is normally a pretty good reason for him, but nothing wrong with more of one!

I mean he was also just taking the opportunity to terrorize and slaughter, but I wanted him to be doing a little more than that.  He plans in the short term compared to Lucifer, but “short term” does not mean “only thinks five minutes ahead.”

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There’s something else there – the specialists coming in place of emissaries. This absolutely makes sense – and not just because there won’t be an ancient holy priest turning up and Kevin awkwardly explaining he’s just been conducting a hands on examination. One of the major plot drivers of Whore of Heaven was that it was supposed to be human champions taking down Eparlegna, and then at the end humanity knows a lot more about what they might be facing – so the major religions would be sending in all their badasses to take a shot during the second Rupture.

I kept wanting to mention this earlier in the story, but I didn’t really get around to it until now, but the idea is that after the confrontation with Chloe in Part Two, word slowly made its way to large religious organizations, and priests, rabbis and imams were all ready to make a pilgrimage to talk to a real angel.  Then a demon attacked, and things changed a bit.

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That  Eparlegna is just fine and dandy with this, and welcomes it, suggests they might be heading into a shitstorm – well, unless the whole thing is resolved before they finish kitting up and flying over... Something for us to think about!

I actually seized on something from near the end of Whore of Heaven and intend to make use of it.

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I totally understand why you’ve made the re-write changes you have. It still flows very well – I did like one line in the old draft ‘For a long while, the boy held the archangel while she cried.’ That it felt a shame to lose, but the new tone works even better than the original.

Yeah, I miss that line too.  I honestly miss that entire moment when she broke down sobbing and then felt better afterward.  Aside from just being the Hurt/Comfortiest thing ever, it also went well with the whole idea of her purging toxic memories, and that letting them out resulted in her sobbing fit, but that after it was over she felt a lot better.

However, I really wanted to focus more on her sense of shame, and I did end up with a few new lines I really thought were pretty emotional on that count, specifically the “I said” quoting bit and the “Not if I were human!”

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And then, well, it’s a slight lightening of tone but I did smile when he asked if she’d always looked like that. Does a great job of pointing out the issues with the celibacy and that the angels are clearly created with the anatomy for a reason.

That’s one of the things I like about fanfiction: sometimes you get to answer questions the original author never intended you to answer, and you can turn the answer into a story element!

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“she was laughing too hard to explain what “Hodie omnes divites si Deo placet effecti eritis!” translated to.” Fair enough, but maybe a translation in the author’s note section for those readers who didn’t do medieval Latin?

I wanted to, but the Author’s Note was at something like 575 words, and I thought there was a hard 600 word limit.

And now, of course, the love scene I’ve been building up to since Part One…

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I liked the way he was careful getting consent for things, after her previous experience it showed concern as much as anything.

So this is something that occurred to me at the last minute, but I really wanted in there.  While it does highlight the difference between Luzurial’s first sexual experience and her second one, that was just a nice little bonus effect.  The reason I wrote it was actually because I wanted to acknowledge the nerves Kevin would have over making love to an angel.

Even in a world where angels (of some types, anyway) look like people with wings, that’s not what they are.  They’re not just inhuman, they’re more than human, immortal, powerful, wise and kind, living embodiments of divine Good (this is probably part of why I get so depressed whenever something terrible happens to one).  Because of that, I couldn’t help but feel that there would be a deep reluctance to touch one sexually, as if to express physical affection for them would be to sully them.  I kind of expressed this in the car scene at the end of Part Six, where it’s revealed that Kevin sometimes feels bad about his romantic feelings for Luzurial because he is, well, “only human.”

One way I could see to get past this would be to explicitly ask permission for a more intimate form of contact.  That was the origin of the “May I?” concept.  I was being very deliberate in my word choice when I said he wanted Luzurial’s blessing to cross each threshold.

And, honestly, I just thought it was kind of romantic too.

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I really like how they both get so much out of the intimacy of kissing, that works wonderfully throughout.

That’s another one of those fanfic moments.  I realized that at no point in Whore of Heaven does Eparlegna, Shondra or Molly force a kiss on Luzurial, and I thought I could use this, that this might be something she especially enjoys; a gesture of pure affection without any negative connotation.

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That kiss to give him the strength not to get his dick crushed was a great one.

I knew she was going to need to give him the strength boost somehow, and I think originally it was just going to be through a touch (she was going to put her hand on his chest or something like that), but I wanted something that would be both sexy and soothing, and a kiss seemed like it fit the bill, especially since we’d just established how much they both enjoy kissing.

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The big chase scene was epic – I genuinely didn’t know if they were going to get trapped inside or just make it – so that badass driving paid off.

I actually briefly entertained thoughts of having them get caught inside of it and have to spend Part Eight evading or fighting sin creatures until Luzurial and company got there, but I realized I liked the idea of them meeting outside the barrier and going in together, so I went with that instead.

[InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread]

Part Seven of WitS is up, so it’s time to respond to some more reviews!

First, one from the inimitable @pippychick.

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Maybe it's just me, but there's a serious lack of strategic thinking here on the part of Luzurial & Co. If you're going to go into a dangerous situation against an evil, spiteful psychopath, or a demon, do not take people you care about with you. They're a weakness and they will be used against you. Silly angel! Silly humans!

It’s kind of a chain reaction, really.  Kevin and Abdul are going in to help Calista, and Luzurial can’t very well let the mortals handle this alone, and she can’t just tell them to wait outside because Kevin is not letting her go in there by herself.  So they end up stuck together.

As for people you care about being used against you, wait for it…

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I really liked the car throwing bit, and I could have stood to read a few more details there, and with the other agent.

Yeah, Stern was dispatched pretty quickly to get to the car thing, which was the image I had in my head for the scene.  Sinfulwolf also brought up that the action scene there could stand to be longer, and maybe at some point I’ll extend it somewhat.

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You have a knack for getting me lost in the story (as evidenced above), and I could see that video footage as clear as day - terrifying and absolutely brilliant!

Thank you!  I was going for kind of an eerie feel with the burning city and the dragon flying just out of sight behind the buildings.  I don’t know why, but the lack of sound always seemed kind of creepy to me as well.

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I'm really enjoying this, and right now I'm trying to ration the remaining chapters so that I don't run out of them. We'll see how that goes, lol.

Good luck with rationing!  I’m really happy that you’re enjoying the story, though.

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Thank you for sharing!

And thank you for reviewing!

[SinfulWolf's Review Responses]

12 hours ago, Sinfulwolf said:

I know in real life soldiers don’t return home with all that gear, but I felt it would be a touch more impactful if she did. So... I wrote that in.

It definitely adds to it.  Kris is nervous as she reaches the door, and when you combine that with the gear, and occasional reminders of it…

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Kris felt her fingers tightening on the back of Sam's shirt, pulling her tighter against her body, the harsh metal of the assault rifle dangling from her chest pressing hard into her.

...the effect is to suggest that perhaps Kris is worried not just about changes to her home, but about changes to herself, fearing perhaps that she may have become someone different, and that it might affect how Sam feels for her, which makes the bath scene a wonderful form of reassurance.

[JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread]

9 hours ago, JayDee said:

Whether I write it or no… but the ideas the are there. Sad Shannon Oneshot?

Shannon’s still an angel where it counts, so I suppose it would technically qualify as an SAO.

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You would honestly probably do a better job of writing it than me. My drama is often undercut by attempts at comedy, like, I dunno

Lupa: Whoa, didn’t know Shannon got angry.

Kate: What about that you fed on that guy while she was making coffee, then he didn’t have enough blood to get it up for her, and passed out before using his fingers?

Lupa: She wasn’t angry, just disappointed.

Okay,

1. That’s hilarious.
2. I don’t think you always undercut your drama with comedy.  Recall that you shared part of The Fall of Chastia with me, and that was a really emotional piece, so don’t assume I’d write it better than you would.
3. Even if I would somehow write it better than you would, there’s something about reading someone else’s work that just doesn’t come from reading your own.

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It won’t be covered in this story anyway, this is about Jude’s fate, not Jan’s or Kate or Lupa’s or Shannon’s… It might come up in another one.

Wait, we’re just leaving Shannon in there?  I mean, since this is a prequel to other stories with these characters we know she gets out, but that might be a tale worth telling down the road.

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I think there’s also potential for a scene where Kizurial apologised to Luzurial.

That would also be really emotional.

Again, I’m sorry if it came across like I was trying to push you into writing anything in your next chapter; I’m really not trying to.  This is your story and you should write what you want to.  The fact that Luzurial’s suffering became as much of a plot point in this story as it is just gave me the feels again, that’s all.

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the big advantage of it being directly tied to the existence of Eparlegna’s work of art (or even Eparlegna himself bound within it) would be that they then move at the same speed afterwards, which would deal with other problems I could see from them being out of sync.

That’s actually a really good point I hadn’t thought of.

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I dunno, probably won’t come up in a story unless there’s some kind of crossover.

Well, if Kingmaker711 ever contacts me there freaking will be.  I had a villain and evil plan ready to go, but it incorporated a plot element from The Girl Next Door, so I don’t feel comfortable writing it without permission.  Since he’s incommunicado, that plan’s on hold indefinitely.  On the other hand, if any idea pops into your head down the road, run with it!

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I renamed the story to Jude’s Tale since as much as I like the alliteration his musical ability has very little to do with the story. This might turn out to be  mistake, but I am sure it’s one I can live with.

Roger that.  Thanks for announcing that to avoid confusion.

[The Woman in the Statue]

Well, it took an extra week due to rewrites, but Part Seven is finally up!

At close to 13,000 words, this is the longest chapter in the story so far (though be warned: Part Nine is very likely to surpass it).

Also, this may be where the story completely falls apart for you.  Sorry if that happens.

[Pippychick Original Fiction Review Responses]

18 hours ago, pippychick said:

I mean, Guy N Smith is one of my heroes, and he can do this with ease. He’s written a number of favourite gory horror scenes, and it kills me that I can’t emulate him.

Wait, Guy N. Smith is a personal hero, and there is not one giant mutant crab in this story?  You betrayed us all, pippychick!

No, seriously though, that’s actually really cool, and I seriously need to finish reading Night of the Crabs at some point.

As for the lack of gore being a failure of yours as an author, I don’t think so.  Stories don’t need to be gory to work, and in my opinion the buildup here is far more frightening because of what we don’t see.  The elemental was terrifying when we couldn’t see it, because while part of me was just imagining a blob of water, another part of me was only half-picturing something else, a terrible, nebulous image that I didn’t want to bring into focus because of what it might look like.  In addition, the mention that before he died, George barely resembled anything human, coupled with the “gifts” we’ve seen him receive is replete with uncomfortable possibilities.

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I’m glad you liked it. I have to admit, though, I was much happier with how ‘The Price’ turned out. This was difficult, but I think it was also good practice. In time to come, I’m sure I’ll realise I learned a lot from it.

While I do think that The Price was scarier overall, I think this really worked in its own way.  Heck, you may have already learned a lesson from it: how to write from the PoV of someone whose personal philosophy you disagree with.