Thundercloud

I agree it gets more interesting in this kind of story when doing it confession style. There are a number of similarities between you story and my own Carmen Elisa story and the mood and style of the main characters retelling the story is one of those similarities. I think she had it coming… ;-)

Could not Kizzy getting Shannon free be a story of its own...or are they needed in the current story?

I think a possible way to explain it would be that even though an angel has incredible ability to recover from injury their very nature also makes them more susceptible to suffer from rapes. You could probably extend the concept to that angels gain courage and power from virtues and are easily hurt by sins. What kind level of competency are we to expect of minions of Eparlegna... The problem with comms SNAFU would IMHO be that it would be really weird if agent Chloe did not follow up with the National Guard about the bad agents. I would assume that tracking what Hobbs might have ordered is kind of essential if you have second Rapturee coming. Actually speaking about that...who actually sent the list in the first place? Until the latest chapter I thought that Kevin sent the list to Chloe based on Luzurials mindreading, but now it was suddenly the reverse. It makes sense that Kevin still has the list on his phone and need to check it since he has not memorized the names, but the current double messages about who wrote the list is confusing.

I think you have the possibility of quite funny dialogue when Kizzy gets Shannon free...

I mean afterwards...did she still had the buttplug in her when traveling to heaven with the bodies? I suppose it could be part of the basque she transforms into a dress...or she still uses the buttplug while visiting heaven….or she gave the buttplug to Kate even if this was not explicitly mentioned. Kind of classical, but it works. I was thinking about stories where elves get upset about loosing an elven soul...if you intend to live forever then you really need to think about not loosing tiny bit after tiny bit of yourself. It was no problem really, I just thought it worth to mention.

Laurell K Hamilton is an author of published books that actually uses the pony comparison for a werewolf character in her Anita Blake series. The first time as I recall it was a major fight and a pony sized werewolf make an appearance to change the tide of the battle. It took minutes before I could assemble myself enough to continue to read. Yep, that is very much one of the major strenghts of The Master Program. On the other hand I can reveal there is a future G.S.P. chapter that reveal a bit about how Mindeye got his powers and it might give some context about why it is not as simple as it was for David in the other story. Maybe...on the other hand Jennifer surely have the abilities need to stop actual penetration if she really had wanted to do it. Just summoning the energy blade to scare him would probably done the trick...

Good that you liked the action. The Violence tag for the story is very much for the occasions when Jennifer lets her wild side loose and this is the first major one. Actually I at one point considered to avoid using the word werewolf at all before be reveal in this chapter...but it felt kind of silly with referring to a talking wolf and just using wolf didn’t fit either. A bit like authors try to explain that a werewolf is very dangerous and large by comparing it to a pony and I cannot help giggling each time since I think of a pony dressed in a werewolf costume. Eventually I decided that it seemed plausible that Fang would insist of using her real race name and modern people would still assume she was scientific experiment rather than the true deal. Naming her as werewolf is also a hint towards people that are Wolfsbane fans that the story eventually will feature such elements. Of course if you ask me Fang do have interesting powers and does pack a much more powerful super hero punch than the marvel hero that I found interesting but irritatingly weak. You make some pretty good comments about serious implications of using psionics on other people. This is a theme that I can promise will be dealt with more detail in upcoming chapters. Mindeye is kind of shady but also built a reputation as super hero after going after the really bad psionics that are out there. There are few characters in the story that will not eventually have face the consequences of their actions. A minor enemy, but very well deserved ending. The first version of the text actually had Jennifer making here first idea about mutilation of private parts real...but then I decided that it was better to show off Jennifer’s coldness as she plan her revenge. All I can say is poor girl...

No need to give explicit credit for that beyond this forum post, but I appreciate the gesture.

I think chapter 1 is actually pretty solid as standalone story. Chapter two as bridge to a future chapter would also work, but when it ends after chapter two it feels more like a fragment..

The chapter 3 review could IMHO also use a spoiler tag if you have the energy for it since it reveals the story is about demons.

No problem. If you want the fix the issue you can copy the text, remove the review and then repost with the spoiler tag in the right place. I did earlier with one of my reviews of your work when the interface misbehaved and posted my not really finished line about secondrate buffy villains. I just removed and reposted with the more proper explanation of my thought but JayDee did ninja me and saw the review before I removed it.

I think one of the appeals with your writing this sequel is that you care so much about the characters. This heroic chapter is certainly setting things up for having the upcoming defeat really mean something for the reader. If you pull it off is of course not given, but I am really looking forward to it.

I should probably not answer how many demon summoning individuals there are in the story. By the way...it would be nice if you consider to start some of your reviews with the spoiler tag. I don’t mind it very much, but for a new reader wondering if they should read the story and checking the reviews they might want a warning that the review reveal a large plot point. I do the same mistake myself quite often, hopefully it is for minor things but in this case I think the spoiler tag is called for. Get it? 'Cause he's having sex on a desk and...I'll shut up now. Seriously, though, that made me laugh. I don’t recall if I thought about the double joke when I wrote it, but I certainly get it now. The whole exchange is meant to be funny so good that you laughed. CALLED IT! Actually, that's a pretty good twist, and I only figured it out last chapter. It's the reverse of Clarke's First Law. In this case, any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from (alien) technology. Actually I think you mean Clark’s Third law and not his First law. The first law is the one about the scientist if I recall correctly. If think the twist is possible to guess at the start of the story when we learn that the aliens dissolve into nothing when defeated, but it is kind of subtle in the middle of the action. A barricade is a barrier, often improvised. If you meant "a bunch of stones being thrown at her at once", the word for that is probably barrage. Both words originate from French, though. Great catch. I will fix it. Thanks for the assistance.

Obviously any chapter with more than 12000 words is lots of work...but the troublee is also getting the characters right. I seldom write fanfiction since I hate when characters go out of character. In some senses With the Mirror Came.. gives me the same feeling. When I discover I have written a bad line for one of main characters it feels kind of betrayal and my flow is disturbed.

I also like that kind of secret touching scenes. In this particular case I decided to run with the idea even if the foot part felt kind of silly since I wanted to show John how immature he is. He is taking a big risk for very little reward just because he cannot control his urges. Mikaela in an earlier discussion with Ronja revealed that she intended to end the black mailing since she thought Ronja was would soon stop care about any nudes spread around. Ronja take this as a threesome is safe without considering the danger Maria is placed in...it will be fun when she realize her mistake. As for what Mikaela understand about Ronja there I have not really decided. Maybe she could take the view that Ronja must be masochistic because she obviously push herself on even when she seems to be really suffering, Maybe I should let Mikaela reveal that observation during the a talk with Maria…I need to give it a thought. I am actually in middle of deciding if shall continue with the theme about Jonathan abusing her or if I shall focus on other things. Jonathan messing around has been great fun, but I have been using Jonathan rather heavily for some chapters so perhaps now could be a time for him to restrain himself after realizing how he has messed up. Pretty much that he trusts Roy...on the other hand there is also the question of how many woman he knows that Roy would trust. Eventually he will of course realize that it was Ronja that offered herself to him... Interesting observation about the tone of the ending. This is basically the first chapter when I did not align the ending with a sex scene and it might be true that this combined with the Ronja’s thoughts drag the mood down. Possibly this might explain why this chapter has been kind of slow to attract attention. As for the upcoming chapter 7 you must not expect it to appear in the near future. With the Mirror Came.. is the one of my stories that take most time to write and each chapter takes months. Unless I find something more interesting to write in the meantime then chapter 7 will take quite many months. Probably it will be me collecting ideas slowly until I must start writing. A fun fact by the way is that I recently read an article in the paper about people living in the building of the asylum from the first chapter. The planned reconstruction of the building has thus during my work on the story actually been finished and people live there now. The train tunnel from a later chapter is also opened by now. If I get around of them doing more urban exploring I need to decide about taking them to exciting sites that exist today or if I should research places that existed five years ago when the story begun.

And honestly, even that might not do it. Actually the reason the US is so often target for demonic invasions is probably due to not having switch to metric…

I had the exact problem and could never find a resolution, had to start a new account instead. Most likely the problem is Microsofts spyware detection that exist both in Exchange and their online services that will test any links before you see the actual email to verify that it is safe. If the AFF software monitor if the link has been used by if has been downloaded/visited you would end with exactly this kind of error.

Great that you like the relationship. It is always a blast to write their scenes. Evil grin...Jonathan is very much given something to toy with that he cannot handle. Still imagine the rush if a gorgeous girl revealed she desired you and arranged for you to have full control of her every action, there would be plenty of people who would loose perspective in that situation.I am still considering what will happen when Jonathan finally screw up and reveal the kinky stuff he has been doing to his official girlfriend. That will be fun to write. Given that Ronja detest the girlfriend that dynamic has potential. Good question. Jonathan is not meant to be brightest one around, but given how got control of Ronja he have reason to believe he is acting out her desires. He believe Ronja actively arranged for him to get control of her and in chapter 4 he used the tell-the-truth trigger to ask her if wish him to take advantage of her sexually and basically get the reply that she desire it but that she want him to force her and not give her any choice about the matter. Not many guys that would keep perspective in that situation. Thank you for the great encouragement. I will keep your desire for the Ghost beaten in mind, but at a basic level the story is about corruption of Ronja and friends so a possible win at the end risk being very pyrrhic in style.

Yes, there is quite a lot revealed in this chapter but on the other hand you get none of the answers for the deeper questions about why Jennifer has been dragged into this situation. Nice that you like Jennifer’s energy blades. I am pretty proud of my version of this classic theme with the twist that prolonged use will kill her. I don’t think I explain it in detail, or rather when I get into showing the answer to Jennifer’s bad luck there has been so many chapters that there seemed to be little reason to explain something that have not mattered for so long in the story. If you keep reading you might eventually guess the intended answer even though Jennifer never makes the connection. Accidental summoning of demons...wouldn’t you say it sounds like lots of trouble.… Yep, very true about every team having such character....in this case he is team leader.

I kind of agree that the concept of the Judge is pretty cool, on the other hand I think Buffy is pretty much on spot when she names him a smurf. :-) It is actually kind of interesting to consider the similarities in story building with the Judge and Warren. Both are promoted as bad guy of the season but in the end it is just a diversion and they are suddenly removed from the game as the real big bad of the season makes his/her appearance. I also agree that InBrightestDay is doing great at capturing the essence of JayDees Eparlegna demon. This discussion makes me think on Battlestar Galatica that builds much on catch phrase that the Cylons have a plan and kept people guessing about what the plan was. After the series finished the show runners admitted they did not have the Cylon plan figured out and just used the notion of the secret plan to give the show a tense setting. The lesson to learn from this is probably that for a story where the readers/viewers perspective is limited you don’t need to figure out all details of the bad guy to tell the story. Your Eparlegna demon is in some senses in the other camp from the mysterious plan when he acts the perfect meglomanic that does not seem to have a good plan, but where you can still use the had-anticipated-the-heroes-move-and-had-a-trap-planned ploy when it looks like the heroes are about to succeed.

Mediocre writer….erhh...you have a bunch of experienced authors here that is giving you a number of reviews that say your writing rocks so please don’t listen too much to your inner critic. Every author make omissions and mistakes that we will regret or rewrite afterwards, that is why professional authors have professions producers. You are far ahead of the pack. There are plenty of possible solutions. Perhaps the ground is so solid that she gets good leverage to stop the momentum, perhaps she is standing enough forward of the others to have space to end the momentum or as you suggest in your answer the car is more dropped on them than thrown. Even more important I also think think that an actual angel doing heroic save of mortal are entitled to do miraculous things that would not be possible for an ordinary super hero. Allowing Luzurial to do the impressing save here without explaining the details is fair game IMO since the details is obviously not important for the scene, but the reason I commented about it is that is often good to think through the implications of what the hero can do so that you don’t end in a later situations when the reader wonder why she cannot repeat her feat of strength to save the day.

It is Uriel that is not part of archangels in Catholics and the Ortodox tradition. The others are the three named archangels out of seven that is supposed to exist. I have heard Michael and Gabriel mentioned in protestant services even if most books that mentions these are not considered good for canon use. The reason I mentioned Masekat Atzilut is the angels you list as most alien is the upper level of angels in that source. The nine level of christian angels I think is most associated with Dante Alighieri today. All power to you if you want to use that in your story. Personally I would not call the angelic hierarchy to be very Christian...more like medieval beliefs than anything anyone consider today. Micheal that command the forces of heaven on the hand is something that is directly mentioned in the book of Revalation. Does not make sense if he a low level angel.. Go with what feels best for you to make a great story. One plot device you could keep in store is that Luzurial can maybe not shapeshift after loosing her wings. Actually using medieval style Seraphs in you story sound like a headache…imagine how unstoppable they will be...

Good to hear that the chapter two already have improved descriptions. Honestly I was thinking on later chapters when I made my comment about better descriptions, I mostly recall the actual boss-fights so to say and not the smaller critters at the start of the story. Btw I plan to follow your suggestions and add a description for the prologue monster also, but I need to be in the proper mood first so it will most likely take a while. God, this poor woman cannot catch a break. I'm half convinced that in addition to rapid healing and the psionic shield, the worst luck in the world is one of her superpowers. I mean, at the hospital, out of all the doctors and nurses she could get, she gets the ones who want to kidnap her and turn her into a sex slave. Then, out of all the NYPD officers she could run into, she gets the one who wants to molest a suspect, and another one who's willing to ignore said molestation as long as it doesn't drown out the radio. Then she gets the clothing store clerk who wants to perv on her while she changes, and then she gets picked up a creeper with some kind of strange mechanical device. Honestly, Jennifer's string of bad luck would be hilarious if it weren't also frightening. The creeper with the camera-like device is particularly alarming, and I am curious to see whether he represents the villainous group the G.S.P. is worried about. *smiles* Yes it does indeed luck like she has terrible luck. It is not until the third chapter that both the reader and Jennifer start to get answers why Jennifer again and again ends in these kind of situations...of course the answer also open lots of more questions. Thank you so much. I hope you will enjoy it.

Lol...Ned Flanders trapped in the mirror. I seriously cannot stop laughing. If I ever decide to do a parody of my own story that would be the way to go. On a more serious note it is good that ghost comes across as evil. Basically there is meant to be no good redeeming qualites there, but just a very bored ghost that suddenly can take out all his built up anger on his poor innocent victim. John is very much a decent guy that normally would never take advantage of his sister, but the ghost is working hard of convincing him that Ronja dig the thought to have sex with him. You can bet the ghost eventually succeed. I am very proud of the master-trigger, and there will of course be plenty of hypnotic triggers coming up but that one is very nice. Getting Ronja to participate in her degradation is an obvious way for the ghost to progress things. The thought that only anonymous dudes on the internet will be customers is of course bound to be proven wrong, that chapter is not written yet but I so look forward to that scene. Having alternatives gives me as author more options. Basically the story contain enough material and kink for a number of separate stories,, but adding it together in the same story gives something that I hope is greater than the parts. Great that you liked hypno-sex scene.

No problem at all. I am perfectly fine with writing the review again with adjustment for the changes you did. After all it is you who took the effort to rewrite the chapter based on my input. I think there is a fine line between magical shield that is drained of power and willpower that deteriorate. There is also the interesting bit in the beginning of JayDees story when she spend effort to aid people who are tormented by the black force but afterward worry that this effort might left her weakened. For me this suggests that Luzurial in Whore of Heaven is spending some kind of magical/holy force to do supernatural stuff like resisting damage. Honestly I don’t think getting these things consistent between your stories matter very much to your story but from an author perspective I think that making the character too impervious to harm can make it harder to create situations when the reader worry about the character. It is your story so no problem if you think this should be general knowledge. I was not expecting Kevin to be interested in weapons, but if it is general knowledge then that thought is not as relevant. Quite many settings invent a setting-specific word for these kind of things to not get too much baggage from other stories. If you like the name then continue to use it. On the other hand...why do they write holy inscriptions on the weapon and expect them to work if they don’t think they are dealing with enemies of their faith? I think if mysterious being appeared on our earth and we discovered holy symbols hurt them we would pretty soon talk about them as demons or devils.