Thundercloud

Lucky you that actually get review notifications. Myself I have seen forum notifications to my gmail account but never any review notification at all. It was a very good conversation in the stairwell...but still not quite the same as soul searching talk with the main characters in the previous chapters. No worries there…I was kind of assuming they were driving a military vehicle and not just some random SUV, A future version of a gatling gun when they wanted to step out of the vehicle would also have been quite effective. Maybe those kind of weapons are banned in the future. If you google gatling gun one of first hits if it legal own such weapon...insane if you ask me. I am too lazy to do the numbers...but if we assume the height of the LTV is limited compared to how close they parked the LTV to hostiles shooting at them the base of the triangle should be huge since they hit the upper body on a shot that was mostly horizontal. Of course nothing wrong with them using the LTV to park very close...but then Gibbs shot become less impressive if it was just a point blank shot. The shot hitting the lower part of the wall behind the shooter would be cool and keep Gibbs shot as more fantastical. I saw your talk with JD about it and my comment is that by now it is starting to become habit that you explain what JD should have meant with his scenes. The more sinister author would have had Luzurial sacrificing the captured since she has learned she sometimes must make hard choices….but that is not kind of story you are telling. Reminds me of a LARP scenario when a friend was “this plot will make the players have to make a choice between killing an innocent elf and making progress in the fighting the big bad”...the veteran players was like “oh...we have already done this mistakes and it cost us a quarter ofthe world’s elven population…off with her head”. Took the friend that had written the plot very by surprise. Glad I could help. I loved that movie when I was kid.

Thank you. I am literally dying to learn what you think about the actual ending when it is revealed what is really going on with Jennifer. I really doubt that Hyper did stay in NY after her traumatic experience so it would makes sense that Hyper never would get the warning about what is going on with her body. Thank you. Very interesting observation. Myself I have also been thinking that there really should be 13 chapters for a story with such a theme. Thinking about it like an issue of a comic reinforce that thought. I say the same about your story...not quite ready to review chapter 9 of your story yet but with one more read you will get my review.

Yep...this chapter is very much setting up the endgame. The heroes are proved to be the superior super hero team, but things are going to get bumpy since there are consequences to how they won the day in chapter 12. I totally understand where you are coming from. I will comment more in the spoilers part of the review response. Good that the scene worked like intended. I wanted Fang to show off here here so that the reader gets an impression of how potent her new powers are before they are really needed. I made it ambiguous in the previous chapter to leave the reader with some uncertainty if the Thundercloud dumping Mernosh for Jennifer was fair of if he was doing something kind of shady. I also had plans for it to allow me to show Jennifer ‘s rather weird reaction to Thundercloud’s actions, but honestly I don’t think I quite succeeded there. Jennifer’s reactions are hard to write in a good way. Only in a superhero story can you just casually explain that's how your day went! I agree, but I would argue Fang’s personality play a role here too. A quite deliberate pun that is setting things up for surprising the reader when the horror of the chapter comes... Educating the readers about what happened at the Bikini Atoll is also a worthy goal. Did you know they used 23 bombs there after moving the people away...insanely enough the inventor of bikini knew about this and deliberately chose the name since of bomb testing done there. I actually have considered to write a follow up story when Hyper realize it was a fake pregnancy a couple of years later. Actually I think the false pregnancy spell is one of my most evil ideas ever... Thank you for input. It makes me very glad since this was pretty much one of the core objectives when writing the story. Thank you. It is an action sequence I am quite proud off. Thank you. The best part of it IMO is that Megaburst does it partly by mistake. Gives some perspective on the bitterness of Firefly for not been given fair handling by the press and fellow “superheroes”. I toyed with the idea of doing a full scene and even begun writing it at one point, but it looked like the page count would be huge with the full action scene included so I eventually went with the current news coverage of the final fight. Something I actually have been considering to do is to break out chapter 9 and 10 into a separate stand alone story since these events kind of break the flow of the main story and instead add more heroes vs demon fight towards the end. Problem is just that this would leave the presence of Avalanche kind of hanging and her use of powers in chapter 11 would seem even more over the top for the reader. Yep, it was all Avalanche’s doing. You might be interested to know that this was the scene that I added to story after your feedback about the shortcomings of the previous chapters. Originally the Megaburst sequence ended with Firefly getting his confession on tape and him quit being a superhero. Problem was just that this left this villain free to continue his abuse of females and go into being an official villain so it never felt quite satisfying. The added scene where Avalanche is proven to have learned to restrain her powers work great on giving Megaburst the ending he deserves. I hope you don’t will not be disappointed.

Suppose Santa spend 30 seconds of stop time on each child….days would be less than a week of stop time….lets round it to a week..24*60*2*7 => 20160 nice children in the world.

No problem really...another obvious reference is by the way the scientist John Dalton that has given name to the dalton unit than in recent years have replaced the unified atomic mass unit. I find it remarkable how you are able to plan out plenty of stories set in the same world that you intend to write later. Myself I might have plenty of stories in progress at any given time, but it is very rare that I have two stories planned/in progress for the same setting. I look forward to read your stories.

I agree that the dialogue here is unpleasant...but it drives me nuts with all the porn with gullible people that trusts their black mailer just because he says so and then stop acting like it is black mailing the moment they have sex. Maybe that is just lack of acting ability of your average porn actor… I can very much understand where you are coming from. I think it depends very much on how you do the details if the scene works or not. Good that you liked the concept and the sex.

I hope you realize that I did not say that the whole story was confusing. I would say most of it makes sense and that the story is fitting to the theme. I does make sense…but I think it become subtle due to the reader expectations at this point. With a lead person that is not looking for a fight but feeling very nostalgic you have at this point in the story not given the reader much chance to realize the potential of the lead character. It looks like a very uneven fight and when suddenly the arrivals is nervous I could not really understand why. Possibly the exchange could work better withalmost the same words if the last sentence was something the lead person says when she see they are nervous. Maybe it would work better if one of them is trigger happy and throws a spell that the lead person deflect by reflex. I think her character comes across as quite consistent. I little tweak of the scene that could perhaps help things would be to have the lead character too depressed to really look at the angel arriving. Only heartwarming stories...sounds like somebody is feeling the Christmas blues… I think your contribution is far more heartwarming than the Speechless entry. It is clearly a story about sadness, but nostalgia is IMO very much fair game for Christmas story. Thank you for contribution that I at least enjoyed reading despite the flaws we have discussed. Hmmm….how about a story when the save everything except a single second. This probably make less sense to the rest of you than me….I really need more sleep.

I actually think that AFF is missing a story code that signal blackmail or similar non-consual sex. Considering how often this trope is used in porn it is clearly something that we can expect some people to be looking for. I will most certainly give it a thought. Both ideas have clear merit. The only thing holding me back will probably be limited writing time. Thank you.

Thanks for the very encouraging review. As for the question if she was into it, that is pretty much what stranger knew would happen since he had very trustworthy information. Anyway it sounds like you read it exactly like I am intended it when I wrote it. I look forward checking out your contribution, but time is limited with that thing called Christmas going on...

Not familiar with any such slogan...I chose the name mostly randomly. I aimed to make it grounded in that kind of scene to hide the less mundane aspects of the encounter. I considered if I should add some story tag for the blackmailing/non consensual sex bit...but did not really find any good warning tags to use. In the end I decided that the reluctant girl turns into loving it routine is so mainstream in porn that it would probably not upset people too much. I don’t have any specific plans...but it seems the concept is good for more stories.

The idea for the story actually started with the thought...what is in it for santa’s helpers? The answer that they get to do scheduled visits to those on the naughty list that possibly could be persuaded to do sexual things seemed like the natural answer when thinking about it from a AFF perspective. As for points where the writing quality can be improved it would be miracle if there was not such considering that I don’t have any beta reader for this story and did not go through with my normal trick to write and leave it unpublished for a couple of months so I can read it myself with fresh eyes when I have sort of forgotten the text. Thank you for the encouraging review.

I added a summary for my story so there is something to copy to the first page. Thus TCR did not forget to copy any summary for my contribution since I did not think about writing such until I saw TCRs story.

I wrote a couple of reviews kind of lately and I don’t think I got a reply from everyone. Just thought it worth to mention...

Thank you, your fix seems to have solved the problem.

Maybe I am missing something obvious….but should there not be a button so can use so we can add our contributions?

It’s like the Godzilla movie from 1998 when Godzilla is so large its feet crush a t-rex skeleton and stomps a buss to tiny bits….but they spend most of the movie running around trying find the location of the monster that somehow manage to hide itself totally.

I think I am in...the pesky little detail of not having a betareader...but when have that stopped me. :-) If by chance any of you other participants is looking for somebody to exchange beta reading services with you can drop me a line.

Glad that I could improve your day. I really liked the twist at the end. Makes me think of a quote from Swedish writer named Ellen Key...”Education is what remains after we forgot what we have learned” It is obvious that Murakami is right, you simple don’t becomes a published author without continuing to train and loads of self discipline. On the other hand there is plenty of people that do running as time to spend their free time without ever hoping to win the marathon race. Looking at things from Keys perspective the fact that it feels daunting to revise old stuff is partly since education improve over time even if we turn rusty and we are able to see stuff in older stories we have written. I totally understand your thoughts about revising the text. Looking at my old stuff always feels like a encounter with my ex-girl friend. Not that I have a real problem with the level of quality in the old texts since I know I wrote it practice my literate skills, but it is not like I ever become filled with inspiration when I get reminded of the choices done back then. Looking at my own contributions here on AFF the during the last year it is only the long epics that get revised. The shorter stories rarely have enough story for me to overcome the effort to really start to work at them. Thanks for the offer to use your story concept for a story of my own. It is tempting, but most probably I have enough story ideas in queue to use for quite some time.

Quite a lot of reviews actually...it felt unfair to just read your story so I read all but one (InvidiaRed unfortunately have writing style that does not work for me). I cannot claim to keep tab of all yōkai in that massive series so I don’t recall if there are any standard jorōgumo. Does not seem impossible that they take out such a monster since there is quite a lot of small yōkai they eradicate , but the reason I started thinking about this show is that it in the final battle it is revealed that the main enemy, that by the way is a male, is in truth a spidermonster. It could also be worth to mention that the bad guy manifest crazy many powers over the series that is not spider related, so it is bad fit if you are looking for jorōgumo anime, but it is a very worthwhile anime/manga in my opinion. At least if you have the time to watch approximately 200 episodes... Seems like a smart move...BDSM is often seem as mysterious and kink of kinks so to say when viewed from mainstream society. In reality I would say it only works in eroticas if the characters are compatible. Bondage like you did it with a hint of danger is often just as effective. That this is a game they have been playing before. I will see when I get time to read it. Lots of stories to read...

I have now posted chapter 5 named The Hidden Danger: Fairy Hunting This chapter features Helian and Larion searching for clues about the artifact Magul. The search will take them to city of Nabasi where they will have to learn how dangerous it can be to tangle with fairies. Unfortunately they are not alone since Azbezil has sent a group of his own to Nabasi so there more dangerous things than fairies lurking. Story codes for the chapter FF Inc MC MF Main heroes featuring in the chapter are Larion and Helian but the following heroes also make an appearance Duwlon, Enbon, Talinda and Fenlyw Next chapter that needs revision is the first chapter of the book The Time of the Prophecy...but I don’t have a planned date for this. If you want read more of the Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil any time soon I suggest using the review button to let me know you want to read more is a good idea.

Thank you for the support. There is plenty of adventure left for the siblings before they get a chance to learn the secret about Azbezil’s laughter. Basically the Hidden Danger story arc will come to end after the next chapter, but after that there are two more story arcs before the story wraps up. Thanks, these interruptions are plenty of fun to write. It also gives me the chance to highlight stuff for the readers that would be hard to fit in the normal flow of the scene. Good that you managed to enjoy the story even with these scenes. Considering the characters involved there obviously going to be some more such scenes in later chapters but I can promise you that it will not go over the top. Far too many natural pairing between characters that not incest like.

I have now posted chapter 4 named The Hidden Danger: The Signet Ring This chapter features the quest to restore power to the magic ring that aided the heroes in the prologue. The adventure brings the heroes to the tomb of kings but unfortunately living and dead enemies will gather to make the quest much harder Story codes for the chapter Anal Inc MF Rape Violence Main hero featuring in the chapter is Cymari, but Duwlon, Enbon, Larion and Helian will also make an appearance Next chapter scheduled for revision is the fifth part to of the Hidden Danger story arch and if everything works out it should be released at the 23 (but it might be later)

Quite an interesting idea...too bad that I have too many stories in progress to start a new one for the moment. Thus I am not making any promises (unless you want to wait a decade or so), but I appreciate you posting your prompts here. Very many good ideas.

I am very grateful for you providing this review for my story. By chapter 2 you have seen quite many of the characters so it is great that you like the cast of the story, but I am proud to say hat there is much good to come. The heroes will need quite a lot of more tricks to save the day when the villains make more of an appearance in the later parts of the story. As for grammar errors I think you might want to stay clear of the original story until I have revised it properly. :-) There is quite a lot to fix when I revise the language I wrote 15 years ago and your review helps a lot with the encouragement to continue working.

I have now posted chapter 3 named The Hidden Danger: Secrets of the City This chapter features the heroes visiting the city Shernam where they try to learn more about Azbezil and run into trouble. The most dangerous enemies are also set to make the first appearance Story codes for the chapter MF Main heroes featuring in the chapter are Talinda and Duwlon Next chapter scheduled for revision is the fourth part to of the Hidden Danger story arch and if everything works out it should be released at 9 of November.