Thundercloud

This will end well. Actually, it does end well, which kind of adds to the joke. This was also really funny to me: "Sorry, I should have paid more attention," Thundercloud screamed towards the com unit as he tried to figure out in which direction he was falling. There's something so very superhero about saying "Oops! My bad!" as you're punched through the air that I can't help but laugh. We don't get to see much of the actual G.S.P. in this chapter, but the section with them is really just the prologue anyway, so presumably they'll pop up more in later chapters. I did notice that the one we see the most of here is named Thundercloud. Any relation to your pen name? One thing I might criticize is that we don't really know much about what the monsters look like. We know they have claws and an exoskeleton, but are they humanoid, insectoid or something else entirely? I kind of assumed they were roughly human-shaped for this chapter, but I was curious. Something I really like is the technique you used to introduce Jennifer. We have this action scene with the monster smashing into a car, and it looks like this woman is just collateral damage...and then we are informed that she's the main character. That's pretty cool. The stuff at the hospital is simultaneously erotic and rather scary. I actually thought at first that Jennifer was telepathic in addition to her healing ability, and that the whole Master/Slave thing was just her telepathy picking up on the creepy doctor and nurse, but it became clear over the course of the chapter that something else is going on. I also like the mystery of who this woman really is, and that scene of her fighting her way out of the hospital was really fun. All in all, I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! There is an obvious connection between the pen name and character, but unfortunately it is not more exciting than me needing a pen name when I started writing and the superheros code name fit my personality quite well so I just decided to use that. The comment about the appearance of the monster is very on spot. It is intended to be armored being where you cannot tell what is inside the armor but I never really provided any visuals in the prologue. The monsters that appear later in the story have better descriptions, but the one in the prologue could use some improvement. As for the scene when Thundercloud is sent flying you are not the first one to react in exactly this way. The superhero that is so invulnerable that he lets himself be distracted by thoughts of sex while he is looking for super powered alien is meant to be funny and I think I succeeded. Upcoming chapters will give more details about the super heroes, but first they need to catch up with Jennifer that need to figure out who she is before she consider becoming a super heroine.

Actually I think there is plenty of reason for the readers to worry that somebody will get hurt even if they expect Luzurial to be immune to their weapons. The reason much of that worry was lessened for me was the scene with PDD that told about the upcoming attack that lets you know they will comes with guns blazing and is aiming to kill Luzurial. Having her dead at in this point of reason does not make sense so I cannot help discount the possibility they will kill her. Possibly I might have been more on the edge if the PPD intended to injure her and capture her. PPD agents talking about the risk that the entity might be using mind control on innocent bystanders to make them act as human shields and they must be ready for making the hard choices would also work wonder to make the reader more nervous about the PPD making a mistake even if they are unable to hurt Luzurial. Another possibility would have been to have kept it hidden from the readers that the attackers are PPD and letthe readers imagination run wild. It could also be worth to mention that as I recall Whore of Heaven Luzurial takes quite many injuries as she is tortured and I had no expectation of her being immune to the Gungnir. What if Luzirial does not have active invulnerability but need to raise her magical defenses to hold off the attack. A scene where she senses something is wrong, tries to raise her magic protection but the Gungnir is so powerful that she is sent tumbling despite her magic protection would IMHO work great. The players doesn’t know PPD are not the antagonists when reading this and that it all was a misunderstanding sound like a good chapter climax. I think the rub is that I don’t understand why Keving would now this. Not aa big problem but something I would probably have gone with “demon of Class A” is or something similar. Apothesis sounds very holy to me.

The beginning of the chapter is certainly bleak for Ronja...our talk about an earlier chapter also made me realize that this scene with Ronja, even though that Maria intervene before things get out of hand, might be a scene that uncomfortable for people who have experienced anything similar. Great that you liked the outdoor scene, my earlier reference of the blackmailer coming back for more should have some context by now. The relationship between Ronja and Maria is of great use to ground the story so that the more kinky bits mean something real for the characters. As for the names it is meant as a bit of a joke. The name Andersson is used by like 2.7% percentage of Swedes compared to Smith that think is used by less than 1% of the Americans. When I saw the Matrix the first time I could not help laughing when I heard his name that sound so utterly mundane to a Swede. The question if he will get is comeuppance is still undecided...but I think there is a certain inscription on the mirror that Ronja should have paid more attention to.

It was actually rather funny situation. Tales of Deception is a tribute to another authors work and at the same week I got a “You nailed the tone perfectly” from the original author I also got the flame from a user accused me of subverting the characters I borrowed from the other story. Thanks you for the PM. I hope you will enjoy the G.S.P. (revised) story.

Great that you liked the story. It is not like each review need to be certain length to valuable. It means a lot for me that you liked it. English is indeed a second language for me, but some of the language mistakes can probably be attributed to lack of sleep. It is damn hard work to improve the language during later editing, but sometimes the alternative is not to write at all if I skip the late writing sessions. Speaking of other of my stories…considering what you have written in other reviews there are some of stories you should stay clear of...for instance I really doubt you would like Tales of Deception that is brutal enough that I got actual flame from a reader that did not read the story codes. My story Carmen Elisa Need to Die is also not meant to be a feel good story, the lead character is not a nice person by any measurement. On the other hand I have written a number of stories where the heroes prevail in the end so if you are looking for stories with an upbeat ending there are worse authors. Feel free to drop me an PM if you hesitate about if reading any of my stories and need input on how to understand story codes (single scene or something recurring) and if the story ends upbeat or depressing.

I added a line about the aphrodisiac at the top of chapter. I also added a couple of more story codes. I personally think rape for the blackmailing situation is a stretching things...on the other hand I do for a later chapter on another story archive have the story tag “Non consensual sex” and rape might be closet alternative among the AFF story codes so no harm in having that story code. The other codes I added was 3Plus and Bi that might be minor aspects of the story considering all the kink in there, but somebody might have bad experience about such so why not add those story codes also.

Good point with the idea to have a trigger warning about her getting intoxicated...do you think I should invent my own story tag (since OTHER seem kind of pointless and none others match, the AFF story codes really take a dictionary to understand) or should I just add a line about it on the top of chapter? Actually it could be worth mentioning that the intention for the scene is for it to be a case of blackmail more than crazy powerful love drug. So far in the story the blackmailing situation is a returning plot element (guess who will be back for more) while the aphrodisiac will probably not see much use. I had some ideas of earlier, but found other things to interest me when I continued the story. The double meaning of the right equipment was not intentional from the start. When possible I want the story scenes rooted in reality and quite obviously it is pain to have dog at home without supporting equipment. As an example you see quite much in porn that does not make sense from a realistic perspective with all the anal play without proper preparations. Unfortunately this seems to cause an infinite number of story scenes where it is clear from the plot they did not have time to prepare for the anal sex...quite disturbing for me when I read such. Glad you liked the scene in John’s room. I have great fun writing all the “fan-service” events with the step brother since it is fun to change the situation so it is the girl that push and push for sex instead of the guy. Of course it is not intentional from Ronja’s side, but how should poor John know that. Eventually a horny young man is bound to see a pattern after a while and then the really fun part starts... As for the matter of Ronja’s experiences in sex there are more detail in the third chapter, but you are right that she does not have lots of sexual experience when the story starts. Ronja’s envy of the popular girls in class in the beginning ofthe story is intended to place her as the kind of girl that long for sexual contact, but not really daring enough to act teasingly enough to catch attention. Then things start to happen and Ronja is forced to get used things she could not imagine before.

No reason to feel such pressure. You might so far be the lone reviewer here on AFF. In total I think the story has gathered feedback from about 8 persons, but a few has reviewed more than one chapter and most important my beta reader has reviewed every chapter. You are right about it being 9k+ words...it is about 9300 words...if I make a guess that would mean it is a bit shorter than my average chapter...

It is great fun to hear your impressions after the first chapter. Makes me think me think on those years ago when I started to plan the story. When I reread it myself I knew so much about what will happen that my perception about the foreshadowing parts turns kind of weird if you get how I mean. For instance I am still proud of the the scene with Roy in the first chapter, but obviously that is not last seen of that dog and not recalling the other scenes takes active effort. In case you wonder I have by now overrun the initial plan for the story by lots. There are other stories where I really planned the whole story before I begun to write, but with this story I never expected to come up with so many great ways to mess with these characters before I began writing it. The final ending of the story is decided, but that path there depends very much on feedback. Only downside with working this story is that each chapter takes a ton of time to write since the characters has experienced a lot and it takes serious effort to keep track of things. It will be very interesting to hear how you think later chapters deliver, there are quite many kinks not covered in the first chapter.

That she survived seems more like the outcome from her healing ability rather than you pulling any punches. Of course I should not be complaining about uncanny healing abilities of characters, my character Jennifer from the G.S.P. story is very much over the top on recovering from injuries. In you story it is at least explainable from the start how she can have such amazing healing power and resilience to injury. As for the nature of demonic bad guys I am sure fan of tentacles and have included them on a number of places in my stories. The problem with tentacles story wise is they don’t have weak spots so to say so the bad guy does not really expose themselves when they use them. It if of course possible to imagine the heroine over power tentacles, but then why use the tentacles in the first place… As for the beast tag on my story, do remember that the story tags are for all the chapters. There is one beastly scene evenat the beginning of the story, but the good beastly stuff is in chapter 3 and forward.

Don’t worry about it. I was not expecting lots of sex and in many aspects the best erotic scenes are the ones when the story makes the sex count so to say.

Yes, I guessed the idea came from the picture, but to actually execute the idea in the good way you did takes skill and effort.

No worries about the name mixup. I am used to readers struggling with my names since working with the story “The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil”. In that story I really went over the top with weird spellings. In recent years I have been using quite many Swedish names (feels natural when stories take place in Sweden but also in fantasy stories). The name Elenore is used by 5138 Swedish woman. It is version of the greek Helenē and means shining light. If I understand correctly it was quite popular name about 100 years ago in USA, but not as much today. I find your reviews very helpful so if you started bad experience has improved your skill a lot.

That was certainly a really detailed review of the scenes in the chapter. You walk as fine line by talking about the scenes without really spoiling them too much, but I think you handle it very well. It is great for my inspiration to get to hear your thoughts about the scenes. Thank you a lot. It was really fun to read the “emotional roller coaster” description since quite a good part of the chapter is reused from the my earlier attempt to write the story. In a story Like “With the Mirror Came..” there is plenty of room of developing the gradual adjustment of the characters as things go constantly worse, but with the Carmen story I really need to make the sentences count since I am aiming for the more quick and fun kind of story with less advanced plot. You seem to have enjoyed quite much of the chapter so the rewrite seems to have paid off. I hope that you will enjoy what I have planned for the pregnant Elenore when they reach their destination (btw you mixed the names, I adjusted it when I copied it here) . One of the reasons of adding more travel time to this chapter and the events at Frank’s place is make sure the timeline of pregnancy fit with the rest of the story. Still some minor scenes that need to be developed but I am really looking forward to write the planned upcoming major scenes and the actual ending of the story.

I don’t have any great preference about single chapter review or multipart reviews. Looking back at my own track record I think one review for each batch of chapters that I read is the normal thing I do, but seriously the one taking the trouble to review things should have the final say about this. Getting good reviews is so rare that no author should complain about such. As for your story I agree with the choice of keeping the story in the current version and use my suggestions for future stories. I look forward for what you will come up with.

Thank you for the review. Looking at what you wrote I think you will like the upcoming chapter when it is done. It could perhaps be interesting for you to know that I actually started this story years back and intended for it to be 4 chapters long, but I ran into trouble with the latter part of story when I things started to feel rushed. Trying to move the characters in position for the final part of the story meant too much of the text was spent on the wrong parts with no good final scene for the chapter. Recently I picked the story up again and realized I could fix the issue by retarget to 5 chapters so I could get room to expand the parts that felt rushed. The good news is that I got about 25 pages more written for the story that I can reuse for chapter 3 and 4, but there is still plenty of work left to be done.

Thanks for review. I will look into something of yours in return.

Thank you for the greatly encouraging review. Considering that I am the author the information that there is a plot twist should not be such a surprise, but I really appreciate that you avoided spoiling the twist. As for the parts that you needed to reread I am not totally surprised. With English as second language and uneven access to proofreaders there are bits that most certainly can be improved. I am glad you could enjoy it despite this.

Like eight years since I posted on AFF but I have been busy writing while away. Some technical problems to get old account working so I had to start a new account, but hopefully it will be sorted out and I can get the revised stories up together with the old reviews and hit counts. Meanwhile I will work at uploading my backlog of stories on AFF and giving responses on any reviews that people write. Posted Original stories: The Master Program Carmen Elisa Needs to Die With the Mirror Came… G.S.P. (revised) Tales of Deception Scandinavian Tales:The Deal The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil