Holiday Party 2018 Review Replies

[Desiderius Price]

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From @BronxWench on December 19, 2018

Santa's Sleigh

I'm going to admit, I didn't quite like this one as much, and it's largely due to the way I felt about Fitz. He just bothered me from start to finish, with his belligerence, his reliance on drinking to handle any curve--while his wife was in fucking labor? Seriously? It felt to me like Fitz was looking to blame everyone and everything but himself, and while Father Jordan is one of the most loathsome creatures imaginable, Fitz isn't far behind. If I were Isabel, I'd have left Fitz a long time ago.

Anyway, sorry, but this one just made me cranky. 

Thanks for the review.  Sounds like I really made Fitz realistic with a distinct personality (that can be difficult when writing).   Fitz is a functioning alcoholic here, so yeah, he’ll resort to drinking to self-medication, which is a fairly common trait in today’s society, just like blaming others for their own frailties.   That Father Jordan played up on Fitz’s homophobia to the point that Fitz nearly murders his son, well...it’s a low point in Fitz's life that I had intended to get to in Dale’s Game, before I accidentally ended the story a chapter or two early.  I’m tempted to add those chapters in (guess who learns about this secret?)

[Desiderius Price]

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From @Sinfulwolf on December 20, 2018

Santa’s Sleigh – by DP

I’m not entirely sure what to think of this one to be honest. I mean, we have a character that was damn near indoctrinated by the church and almost committed a terrible act but now seeks redemption, however he still treats his wife like shit and doesn’t seem to be trying overly hard to get that redemption. I don’t know if Isabel acts shrewish because that’s how she is, or because she’s been driven to that point by Fitz.

In contrast to your other story for this anthology, I felt Fitz had some decent emotional weight behind him though. Even though the events were still quick, I think it’s because we’re seeing his reaction to it all in the present as he explains it to a stranger.

Your writing is good, and this setting is unsettling as I’ve said before, but this particular entry left me a little confused to exactly how powerful the church is.

Thanks for the review.

Unlike Jello, nearly every character in this story was recurring, so they already had some characterizations behind them, this includes the Santa Fitz confided in.  Like Sister Iris’ reaction to the knowledge of who Dale’s father was (a point that gets explored in Dale’s Game).  Whereas Megan, Dustin, and her family were all new characters (Baris, though, is a recurring character, and I’ve mentioned Melvin in Jefferey).

As I’m portraying the religiousness of the society through snapshots across the stories, it’s not fully explained, which gives me plenty of wiggleroom for future stories    The general picture I’m portraying is a society that’s gone conservative, and is heading for a full theocracy in the coming decades (it’s defacto there in a lot of its elements); but still with its idiosyncrasies (such as cheerleaders).  Baris is simply my favorite agent (ie, refered to as “pengus” by a certain group of people) to write in from the US Department of Homeland Morality, charged with overseeing and promoting the general spiritual welfare of society.  For a priest abusing his authority, Father Jordan’s a strong character to use.  But Albuquerque isn’t the only place experiencing this in my universe, which I show in a number of the other stories.

As a result of Father Jordan’s proclamation, Fitz will struggle, and keep struggling, in his acceptance/relationship with Jarred.  As a whole, Fitz will be a net positive here, but he’s got his flaws, as all characters should have.

[CloverReef]

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A Xenophiliac’s Christmas Carol – By Clover

A goofy, even funny little tale that plays rather well with the well known Dicken’s material. I had fun with this. Even when the ending took a rather hard left turn towards a bit dark. While I also love the way you had your characterization, I must admit to not liking the main character.

@Sinfulwolf

I’m glad you had fun with it. Despite that hard turn left that, this story was meant to be exactly that: just kinda stupid and fun, but with atmosphere. To be fair, I understand why someone wouldn’t like Extany. He’s an asshole. A special variety of asshole I adore and find fun to write. Though I try to make them redeemable, ‘redeemable’ is so subjective. Thank you for the review!

[Sinfulwolf]

@Desiderius Price That’s fair. I wasn’t overly lost through it, which is a good thing, and impressive seeing as how connected all your stories really are. Surely more impactful for those that have read everything, but I could still easily follow the story only missing the more subtle cues.

@CloverReef Well, I’m a little sick in the head, so even that hard left turn was fun. 

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From PlagueClover on December 21, 2018
 

Solstice of Dawn by SinfulWolf

I do love this world you've created, and I must admit I have a soft spot for witchy characters. Of course, I almost always comment on writing style when I review something, because that is so important to me, and yours is absolutely fascinating with a beautiful, unusual flow. Melodic yet not too wordy. Of course the sex scene was nicely hot and indulgent, suiting for this anthology's only f/f love scene (currently). Lovely story.

I’m glad you love it. I want to work more in this world at some point. Whether that means a fully fledged story, or keep showing Lydia’s journey through side characters. I also have the soft spot for witchy characters, and I don’t write them enough (I say that about a few things...). But thank you about the comments on the writing style. I could always use a few ego pumps.

[Desiderius Price]

1 hour ago, Sinfulwolf said:

@Desiderius Price That’s fair. I wasn’t overly lost through it, which is a good thing, and impressive seeing as how connected all your stories really are. Surely more impactful for those that have read everything, but I could still easily follow the story only missing the more subtle cues.

Thanks @Sinfulwolf … that’s pretty much what I aim for.  As I write more and more stories in this universe, the growing danger is that a new reader can’t understand it w/o reading the others.  I truly want it to be meaningful for a reader if its their first or their tenth story.  And for those that have read many, the extra insight is a bit rewarding too (ie, the cheerleader idea not being appropriate for the kids’ ride).

And yes, I love my universe being uneven, idiosyncratic, and hypocritical; as this gives me a rather large set of interesting stories  

[Sinfulwolf]

Ha, that it does, I will admit. The world is much like that, so it fits for what’s our near future.

[Desiderius Price]

41 minutes ago, Sinfulwolf said:

Ha, that it does, I will admit. The world is much like that, so it fits for what’s our near future.

I’m crossing my fingers, hoping that nobody uses my stories as a blueprint for a religious society.

[Desiderius Price]

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From @GeorgeGlass on December 21, 2018

Jello, by Desiderius Price

There's a lot in this story that I didn't understand:
-Nobody acts like it's a big deal that there's a naked guy walking around, yet this can't be a common occurrence in Megan's world, or she would have seen more than two penises by this point in her life.
-Megan didn't know in advance about the bombing, yet she doesn't seem surprised by it, or concerned that all her co-workers are dead. Is she meant to be a psychopath, or something like that?
-Why did the whole family end up dead? And who were those two men?

Thank you for the review.  I very likely went too fast with some of this… it gets tougher and tougher to avoid with how interconnected my stories have become.

So, this is T-day, basically, Black Friday opening early, so think crowds, big crowds, and everybody else focused on getting that big “deal” on crap they don’t really need.  So, yeah, very uncommon occurrence, but I needed him to stand out on a security camera, he’s (at least one of) the bombers.  And she held the door open for him – enough to be “guilty by association” in this world.

And Megan, she could be psycho or not   It's retail, so it’s not a glamorous job, and she’s been flirting with the boss for promotions, so apart from a coworker or two, she’d not be too concerned.

Baris, Baris, my favorite agent to use from the US. Dept of Homeland Morality, the federal agency in charge of spiritual welfare, who rather enjoys getting his hands dirty and has more of a scorched earth policy.  I envision Agent Smith, from the matrix, including the tone, every time I write him.  And I enjoyed the irony of Baris using the same method as the family did (though it was in the leftover turkey instead).

[GeorgeGlass]

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A Visit from Shota Claus, by George Glass

From @CloverReefon December 20, 2018

Admittedly I skipped over a lot of this story because of the subject matter, but I did read the beginning and the end. I really love your writing style. It's fluid and elegant without being wordy. Your characters come off naturally. I'm sorry I can't comment on much else, but you are an awesome writer. 

From @Sinfulwolf on December 20, 2018

I didn’t read this one because of the content. I looked over the start and the end, and you had a good hook to get into it and pull the reader in, and the ending was a nice one, but I can’t much else for the remainder.

From @BronxWench on December 20, 2018

The beginning and end were very well done. I just kind of shut down for the middle, though. But you know I love your writing, aside from that!

I figured a lot of people here would probably be skipping this one. I appreciate your willingness to read parts of it, at least. 

Honestly, I mainly wrote "A Visit From Shota Claus" for the holiday story contest on Lolicit. But I was so excited to have finally managed to write something Christmas-themed that I went ahead and posted it here, too, even though I knew it wouldn't be popular.

Edited December 22, 2018 by GeorgeGlass

[CloverReef]

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From GeorgeGlass on December 21, 2018
 

A Xenophiliac’s Christmas Carol, by PlagueClover

The warning about cuss words got me laughing before the story even began. 
The world of the story works, even though you only have short-story space to describe it.
I liked the use of a gray as the ghost of Christmas future. Especially when it gives Extany the ol’ needle in the eyeball.
The ending is a bit predictable. Extany never seems to give any thought to changing his ways, so it's no surprise when he ultimately tells Lacuna to suck it.
Speaking of Lacuna, I like that you included one non-humanoid in the mix.
 

 

@GeorgeGlass Aww shame that it was predictable, lol, but yeah I didn’t really do as much of a feint as I probably could have. I would have liked to do less humanoids. The giant started as something else entirely but the flow was off so he ended up a combination of one of those ‘nord' aliens and a cyclops. And I had to do an Elf. Just had to. Anyway, I’m glad it made you laugh! That was really the intention, so there was a little success there! Thank you for the kind review!

[JayDee]

5 hours ago, GeorgeGlass said:

I figured a lot of people here would probably be skipping this one. I appreciate your willingness to read parts of it, at least. 

Honestly, I mainly wrote "A Visit From Shota Claus" for the holiday story contest on Lolicit. But I was so excited to have finally managed to write something Christmas-themed that I went ahead and posted it here, too, even though I knew it wouldn't be popular.

I’m sure it’s an awesome story because you’re a great writer, but I gotta give it a pass with the minor1 content. I hope it went down well for you with readers on that other contest! I know nothing of the site but from the name I suspect it’s the kind of content they appreciate.

[Desiderius Price]

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From @JayDee on December 22, 2018

Santa’s Sleigh – Des 2: Des Harder

I was like “This is dark... darker... darkest... whoa! Happy ending!” Father Jordan’s a really asshole though isn’t he? I mean, damn. It was an interesting look into what feels like a messed up world. I did prefer the first story, but this one was cool too.

Thanks for the review.  It’s nice to have some stories that you can read.  (Well, I suppose you could relocate/travel to a different country….) 

I’ve definitely have made this world rich in context, with the USofA sliding into a theocracy (it’s not fully there in most of these stories).  So, it’s an era where priests have more authority than they currently do today.  So, I like Father Jordan as a character, simply because I’ve made him a bit richer in the personality.  A hypocritical and naughty priest, with a thirst for power and control.  Traits that flourish quite nicely in the world I’ve created (and scary in that we’ve got those traits with people in political office today). 

Hope (the santa’s preferred nickname) is another interesting character, and he/she shows up in other stories too, usually as a trucker with a colorful backstory.  In a bind, I’d definitely trust Hope over Father Jordan any day.

Fitz will continue to feel the guilt over this, it’ll still haunt him, his actions, but it’s slightly easier now.  He’ll still try to “make up” for it, as in he’ll be sending Jarred to the elite private school of the area.   Also, as a result of this incident, Hope and Rube are able to “recruit” Fitz to help with in the opposing cell-style resistance, despite his persisting homophobia, which Jarred will start to become aware of as he gets older.

Anyways, glad you enjoyed the story!  @CloverReef  was disappointed on the lack of deaths in this one … but that would’ve messed up some of my stories.

[Sinfulwolf]

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From Desiderius_Price on December 22, 2018

Solstice of Dawn by Sinfulwulf
I have to admit I kinda felt cheated when the F/F faded to black, it was like...MORE, MORE!   Otherwise, good, though I did have to refer to your halloween just to get reacquainted to what happened there for Lydia's context.

Hmmm, that’s definitely something to keep in mind. I certainlly wanted there to be connections to the Halloween story, but I did mostly want this one to stand on its own. May have been a bit heavy handed with the connecting threads. As to the fade to black, heh, sorry about that. I think my thought process was I wanted to cut the scene while it was still good and sexy, and before I started to just get a bit repetitive.

Thank you for the review!

Edited December 22, 2018 by Sinfulwolf

[Desiderius Price]

2 hours ago, Sinfulwolf said:

Hmmm, that’s definitely something to keep in mind. I certainlly wanted there to be connections to the Halloween story, but I did mostly want this one to stand on its own. May have been a bit heavy handed with the connecting threads. As to the fade to black, heh, sorry about that. I think my thought process was I wanted to cut the scene while it was still good and sexy, and before I started to just get a bit repetitive.

Thank you for the review!

A quick skim was all that was needed to get it, so not too bad.

[GeorgeGlass]

 

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From Desiderius_Price on December 22, 2018

A Visit From Shota Claus by GeorgeGlass

Cute, though obviously with Santa magic, Henry could be mentally much older than he seems.

That’s certainly possible. I tried to make his speech pattern age-appropriate, but he could always be pretending to be younger than he is. 

Edited December 23, 2018 by GeorgeGlass

[Sinfulwolf]

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From JayDee on December 22, 2018

Solstice of Dawn

Well that was hot as fuck. The opening had the perfunctory feel of the professional, but then there’s all the great little descriptive bits about Lydia’s appearance, and walking back, and some awesome FF sex.

This description:

“Felt the movement of hard muscle beneath firm skin. It reminded her of the soldiers that came to the brothel. Not the softness of a woman, noble, or merchant. This was a woman who travelled, who might even have fought.”

So awesome, it just lays out Lydia’s body in a few words and builds so well on the other mysterious standing in the rain, feeding the raven.

So would the hint be that Lydia buried Anora – there not being anybody else around who might do so?

And, heh, I liked how Varia keeps the figure of  Aluma close when she too is happy for a little night time seduction from the dark.

Thank you very much for the review (almost wrote reveal for some reason… brain still awakening it seems)

But, since this story was so firmly from Varia’s point of view, I thought some of the descriptions and such would be a sleek way to world build a bit too. It being fantasy, I’m on the back foot for making the world feel real and lived in, so I do all I can to get that sensation for the characters and setting. Sometimes it works, as it seemingly did this time. Thank you again.

Also, I do love my FF sex scenes. As that was the meat of it all, glad it was hot.

Edited December 23, 2018 by Sinfulwolf

[Praetor]

PlagueClover writes "My first impression of this was that it read a bit like a recruitment ad, though a well-written one. I'm not throwing shade. It's not a bad thing. It suits this character and reminds me of a lot of people I know, though not soldiers, farmers and oil workers in Saskatchewan have pretty much the same crotchety attitude and unwavering pride in their controversial livelihoods. So it was believable. 

So it starts off with that serious political rant, and then it kinda devolves into this campy, flirty porno. It was a fun shift in mood, and I'm grateful for it. Nice little addition to the party, thank you. Have a great New Year."

     Thank you for taking the time to guide this fledgling author.  I started writing the fic after hearing Soldier's Silent Night on the radio but quickly realized I didn't know how to handle the weighty topic and material.  I wanted to keep it short because I couldn't guarantee it'd be good.  The rant was written as a list of talking points to frame a conversation, but I suck at dialogue.  So it was either make a conversation on the matter the focus and ditch the lemon, or change the subject like a teen caught in a lie.  I went for the latter since the challenge is supposed to be fun and festive.

[CloverReef]

1 hour ago, Praetor said:

PlagueClover writes "My first impression of this was that it read a bit like a recruitment ad, though a well-written one. I'm not throwing shade. It's not a bad thing. It suits this character and reminds me of a lot of people I know, though not soldiers, farmers and oil workers in Saskatchewan have pretty much the same crotchety attitude and unwavering pride in their controversial livelihoods. So it was believable. 

So it starts off with that serious political rant, and then it kinda devolves into this campy, flirty porno. It was a fun shift in mood, and I'm grateful for it. Nice little addition to the party, thank you. Have a great New Year."

     Thank you for taking the time to guide this fledgling author.  I started writing the fic after hearing Soldier's Silent Night on the radio but quickly realized I didn't know how to handle the weighty topic and material.  I wanted to keep it short because I couldn't guarantee it'd be good.  The rant was written as a list of talking points to frame a conversation, but I suck at dialogue.  So it was either make a conversation on the matter the focus and ditch the lemon, or change the subject like a teen caught in a lie.  I went for the latter since the challenge is supposed to be fun and festive.

Well, you did pretty damn good for a ‘fledgling’. And I didn’t see any issues with dialogue. It generally fit the mood of the story and flowed smoothly, so well done. 

[JayDee]

Praetor – I will get on to read and review yours too! I’ve just been away and then busy

[Praetor]

     Take your time, it’s not going anywhere.

From BronxWench on December 28, 2018
 

What a wonderful debut! This is a refreshing take on Santa coming down the chimney, especially with the reactions for a combat veteran to any intrusion. But gift-giving is certainly a two-way street, and I so think they descovered how much more fun it is to give than to receive.

Thank you!

     Original community challenge anyways.  It’s a strange experience for me to get a moderator review that isn’t telling me to fix my tags or disclaimer.  Thanks for the warm reception.

 

 

From Desiderius_Price on December 28, 2018
 

A Most Peculiar Burglar by Praetor

Enjoyable piece of PWP holiday smut, which is what I think you were going for.   One strange thought I had while reading it.... what if she suffocated during the blow?  Suppose that'd be a fun way to start a Halloween story.

     That was mostly the intent.  I like to at least pretend that I’m doing something more in my works, but going into a prolonged discussion on veteran affairs and the nature of Christmas could take up an entire fic and probably be divisive.  The lemon was the focus and I was trying to keep it short.  I imagine Santa doesn’t leave behind a corpse when he dies, he just explodes into magic Christmas dust.  Still a messy clean up, hopefully there isn’t a Santa clause.

[Desiderius Price]

30 minutes ago, Praetor said:

From Desiderius_Price on December 28, 2018

 

A Most Peculiar Burglar by Praetor

Enjoyable piece of PWP holiday smut, which is what I think you were going for.   One strange thought I had while reading it.... what if she suffocated during the blow?  Suppose that'd be a fun way to start a Halloween story.

     That was mostly the intent.  I like to at least pretend that I’m doing something more in my works, but going into a prolonged discussion on veteran affairs and the nature of Christmas could take up an entire fic and probably be divisive.  The lemon was the focus and I was trying to keep it short.  I imagine Santa doesn’t leave behind a corpse when he dies, he just explodes into magic Christmas dust.  Still a messy clean up, hopefully there isn’t a Santa clause.

Another thought…. next year’s story, with some magic Christmas dust, could be the successor, ie, offspring from this year’s “gift”

[BronxWench]

1 hour ago, Praetor said:

Original community challenge anyways.  It’s a strange experience for me to get a moderator review that isn’t telling me to fix my tags or disclaimer.  Thanks for the warm reception.

Hey, sometimes I have to take off that moderator hat and just play, too!   If I read something for my own enjoyment, I make a point of trying to leave a review, because I like reviews, and I figure if I leave some, the good karma might outweigh the moderator karma.   And I meant your debut in our anthology collections, but you knew that.

[Praetor]

     I figured as much.  It’s totally justified, you can’t have rapscallions like me making a mockery of our terms of service.  We have rules here, and enforcing them is the difference between us and Tumblr.

 

From SinfulWolf on December 29, 2018
 

This was an interesting one for me to read, and if I'm honest not sure how I feel about it to be honest. There's a Hell of a tonal shift half way through into that silly campy porno style of sexing that some people enjoy (as evidenced by some of the other reviews here), but isn't my own cup of tea, so certainly will try to keep that in mind when writing this out.

But the opening of the story started plugging away at some heavy issues, many of which hit a little bit too close to home for me to be in the mood for a good silly fuck story.

I did learn some stuff though. Thought that Kabar knife was for Marines only (I was wrong), and didn't know the U.S. Army still had any kind of swords, especially for NCO's. Once again thought that was a marine thing. So that was pretty cool to learn some things.

And there was a bit of jargon scattered throughout. I've learned to be careful using that, especially with the acronyms (FOB, QRF, etc). Sure I know what they mean, but not all the readers do. Though it seems that might not have interefered with many people's enjoyment of this particular tale. Also, FOB really should be capitalized, and not lower case.

Last point, try to keep the reader aware of where the characters are. When they initially fell there was no mention of the couch until it started creaking and I had to back away to find where they'd ended up on the couch. So, either I missed it or it wasn't mentioned. Little things like that.

Like I said, the campy style of smut isn't really my cup of tea, but you did have that style going quite well for yourself, and it seems a fair amount of others enjoyed themselves. So well done, and good entry to the anthology overall.

     I don’t even know how to feel about it, and I wrote it.  It feels like two halves of different fics awkwardly welded together.  If I waited until I was completely satisfied with it, it’d be just in time for next year’s Holiday special.  The heavy issues are addressed but I didn’t have the time or skill to really pull it off.  Since they’re integral to the song the fic is inspired by, I couldn’t just ignore them.  Kabars were made for and primarily used by Marines but are popular among all branches of military, knife enthusiasts and outdoorsmen.  The swords are purely ceremonial and nonstandard issue.  Most of what I know about them comes from a Terminal Lance comic. I’m wary of jargon and when not to use it but I figured this was a good time to, in order to highlight his dissonance.  I don’t really like the camp smut story either, but that was the only way I could figure out how to spin out of the complex subject matter and still deliver a Christmas themed lemon.  The alternative was a nosex, dramatic talky scene that’d be long and not terribly interesting, although would be closer to the source material.  But it’d also run contrary to the high concept of Santa being re-imagined as a busty descendant.  Thanks for the critique, I will work on keeping the writing tighter and handling complex and weighty issues with a little more tact and care.

[Desiderius Price]

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From GeorgeGlass on January 07, 2019

“Santa’s Sleigh” by Desiderius Price

"This isn't even a real boy, Satan has already taken him" is a great line -- Father Jordan dehumanizing the victim to make killing him easier.
I liked the ending. “Sometimes the adults need Santa too.”

Yep, I’ve made Father Jordan into a real monster, a creepy priest with a god-like power complex.  (See Adam the Altar Boy, Dale’s Game, and Bones for other appearances).  Hope’s a good character I do like, he/she’s pretty insightful at times (has an interest in psychology); also appears in Jefferey, Adam the Altar Boy, and Dale’s Game.

This story is backstory for a scene that was supposed to make it into Dale’s Game, the one where Jarred finds out about it, except the story decided to end itself several chapters too early

Anyways, thanks for the review, glad you enjoyed it.  

[BronxWench]

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From GeorgeGlass on January 04, 2019
 

Nothing to Sneeze At, by BronxWench

This was very clever. Ben setting off Marc's allergies before we see Ben in dog form was great. And I thought Marc's "blushing too easily" problem was a nice touch. And "being the alpha meant he wasn't going to be an ass" lines up with what I've read about the behavior of actual alpha wolves: that they spend most of their energy protecting their pack, not fighting over dominance.

I really liked some of the lines. “My cock wanted to salute him” and "nodding like a damn dashboard ornament," made me chuckle. And "And that was nothing to sneeze at" is a great ending line.

Oh, but making me crave White Castle when there isn't one within five hundred miles of me is not cool.

 

Thank you! I don’t write a lot of fluffy fiction, but this was actually kind of fun to do. I’m not sure I can be that fluffy again, mind you, but it was fun! I do love wolf society, so yes, I was definitely leaning on the alpha wolf behavior for Ben. But I’m glad you enjoyed my bit of holiday cheer. 

Sorry about the White Castle thing, though!