Halloween Party Reviews and Replies

[CloverReef]

Title says it all! Our own little nook to reply to reviews and discuss stories in the 2018 AFF Halloween Anthology. 

Find the stories here: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600109141

Party hard everybody! Lets make our ancestors turn in their graves!

Edited October 20, 2018 by CloverReef

[Desiderius Price]

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From PlagueClover on October 20, 2018
Review for "Adam the Altar Boy" by Desiderius Price

Jesus flipping Christ that was sad! And dark! And jeez he was just doing everything he was supposed to: Father Jordan seriously needs to learn about picking his goddamn battles. Like really. 

Thank you, thank you for the review!  

Obviously being from Adam’s point of view (and his younger brother’s), I don’t tell the full picture of what’s going through Father Jordan’s mind.  And if Hope had suspected Adam’s fate, she would not have dropped him off like that, instead, picking up Oliver too and bringing them elsewhere..

[CloverReef]

46 minutes ago, Desiderius Price said:

Thank you, thank you for the review!  

Obviously being from Adam’s point of view (and his younger brother’s), I don’t tell the full picture of what’s going through Father Jordan’s mind.  And if Hope had suspected Adam’s fate, she would not have dropped him off like that, instead, picking up Oliver too and bringing them elsewhere..

BTW that Riggs & Mortis thing made me laugh

[Desiderius Price]

7 minutes ago, CloverReef said:

BTW that Riggs & Mortis thing made me laugh

Thanks.  I needed that name for a discount mortuary and it works good for Halloween too

[CloverReef]

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From Desiderius_Price on October 19, 2018
 

Scent of Brine,

Trippy.  So, is it a sign that my first reading of her name was "conception?"

Yes. Definitely a sign. Thanks for the review!

 

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From JayDee on October 21, 2018
 

Scent of Brine -

Great atmosphere throughout, The description of Isolde's appearance is great. I liked how Concha got pissed off with the "you'll all be dead" messages after the third or so time. Kissing the wrong sister, heh. But yeah, for a first FF scene near the end there it was pretty damn good, but what an ending... that frickin' curse eh?

Couple typos/missing words stood out in case ya want to fix 'em

Thank you for pointing those out. That’s what happens when I continue to edit after it’s been betaed. I’m glad the F/F smut bit went well enough. I think that was what I was most worried about, especially with the awkward boob grab. Still not entirely sure why I didn’t rewrite that bit, lol. Thank you for the review!  

[GeorgeGlass]

 

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From Desiderius_Price on October 21, 2018

Apprentice -- GeorgeGlass

Interesting.  Sofi didn't seem too disappointed about her sisters, so was she a bit more devious and she have this planned all along?

 

 

Oh, she did indeed. As Sofi implies in her conversation with the witch, Sofi deliberately made her bug-repelling ointment to repel changelings, too, and she deliberately made a perfume that attracts them. 

[GeorgeGlass]

 

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From PlagueClover on October 22, 2018

Review of Apprentice by GeorgeGlass

Ha! I like that story and all the comeuppance it delivers. Very fairy tale esque, which I'm also a fan of. Good job. 

 

 

Thank you! I guess Sofi did turn out to be a dark Cinderella.

BTW, Acantha and Kacia are Greek names that mean “prickly” and “thorny,” respectively, whereas “Sofi” means “wise.”

[Desiderius Price]

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From JayDee on October 22, 2018

Given the Minor1 code I will skip Adam the Altar Boy, personal taste and all that, but of course I am sure it will appeal to others! Be a funny old world if we were all the same, right? Good job on actually contributing for a Halloween story, it's more than some of us!

No problem, that’s the reason I put the code there, to warn the squeamish and/or are in a country where it’s illegal to view.

[Desiderius Price]

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From BronxWench on October 22, 2018
 

Adam the Altar Boy

There are times when I wonder what it would feel like to be part of an organized religion, as opposed to my usual solitary eclectic paganism. And then I read something like this and go leave some offerings for the gods and all the Sidhe. I guess Reverend Jordan got stuck on the "Suffer the little children" part, right after the ritual abuse sessions in the seminary.

Let's hope I don't have to attend anything at a Christian church for a while. I might grab the poor altar servers and run like the hells...

Well done!  Nicely chilling!

Thanks for the review.  I even found myself a bit disturbed after I wrote it!

[JayDee]

8 hours ago, Desiderius Price said:

No problem, that’s the reason I put the code there, to warn the squeamish and/or are in a country where it’s illegal to view.

That’s me twice!

[GeorgeGlass]

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From JayDee on October 22, 2018

For Apprentice - Bwa ha ha, I could tell something was coming, but I had no idea it was that. Great little surprise/twist.

 

Thanks! 

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Sofi is kind've like a dark Cinderella (deleted repost to clarify that this is an agreement with George's forum post!). Very Halloween. It's nice to see Sofi with a promising career ahead of her too 

Part of the reason for making “Apprentice” the title was to get the reader wondering how the title relates to the story – until the title gets paid off at the end. 

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the messed up eyes for her new mentor are a very vivid image.

I don’t know where that idea came from, but once I had it, I couldn’t let go of it.

[Desiderius Price]

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Adam the Altar Boy

I'm left with a few questions:

Is “processing” death, imprisonment, or some kind of brainwashing?

How did putting headphones on Adam kill him? Or did they brainwash him or something, and Father Jordan lied to Oliver when he said that Adam had ascended? Or does “ascended” mean something other than “died”?

Oh, thanks for asking about the method.  It comes from an interview I heard on the radio a few months ago, about slaughtering pigs in the most humane way (that we know of) which used earmuffs with electrodes in them, the jolt of electricity is supposed to fry the brain stem and render them unconscious so the blood can be then drained -- I altered it to headphones, but still, same idea, because the father needs it to be relatively mark-free and quick.  As to processing, I was thinking along the lines of plastination (google that one up) to convert the body into the final product, where fats are replaced with a flexible polymers.  Oliver’s a smart kid, so while he doesn’t know the method, he sees through the BS that’s littered about him – I’ve got plans for him in other stories.

And definitely, thank you for reviewing!!!!!  

[GeorgeGlass]

From BronxWench on October 22, 2018

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Apprentice

Honestly, every time I read on of your stories, I find myself just that perfect bit jealous of your talent. 

High praise, coming from you. Thank you!

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This story has a wonderful delicacy, a very deceiving gentleness to it despite the abuse of Sofi by her sisters, and even the sexual content is sweetly done.

Gracias.

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But talk about still waters running deep... Sofi quite surprised me, both by her determination to research everything, and by her bloodthirsty bit of revenge.

She’s a clever girl, and she’s learned to play her cards close to the vest. 

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Very, VERY nice, and I think I'll go edit some more before I submit mine. 

Thank you, for a wonderful story!

Thank YOU for such a nice review. 

Edited October 24, 2018 by GeorgeGlass

[Desiderius Price]

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From SinfulWolf on October 25, 2018

Adam the Altar Boy: I’ll be honest, I somewhat skimmed the story, especially the opening. The content made me wholly uncomfortable and squirmy. It is well written though, and in it’s own way utterly terrifying because of how close to reality it felt at times. Despite it being set in what seemed a very dystopic alternate reality. Only noticed one spelling mistake, and that was when Pete said “Dam.” Should really be “Damn”.

That ending though. That was a dark hammer home, and I rather liked it.

I felt a bit  … disturbed too by what my mind came up with, but definitely a dark story (and technically, that entire universe of mine is set a short ways in the future, so it could definitely happen depending on politics).

Now that I’ve situated a Halloween story around Christmas, next challenge it fit a Holiday story around Halloween

[CloverReef]

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From BronxWench on October 22, 2018
 

Scent of Brine

Wow! Just... wow! I was shivering by the end of this and in all the best ways. I am not always a fan of FF, but you wrote this so well that I devoured every word. I confess, I adore Concha. She is fierce, and fiery, and even with all she endured at the hands of Emory, she still could fight back. I loved that! No wonder Isolde wanted to keep her...

A super tale for hallowe'en! Thank you!!!

I always love your reviews. With your specificity and encouragement, you really know how to make a writer blush. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t do ‘feminine’ women often, so it was extra important for me, given the ‘femininity’ unfairly attributed to victimhood and pregnancy, to give her a spark. I’m glad she turned out fierce and fiery, and not just, you know, broken. Also, don’t tell anyone, but being a m/m writer where men are always the heroes of my tales and women are usually relegated to support roles if they appear at all, it was fun to do a little men-bashing in this one. 

 

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From GeorgeGlass on October 22, 2018
 

Scent of Brine

Nice bit of nautical horror. I like that Concha isn't just the passive recipient of abuse; it felt more real that she actually yells at her husband when the situation demands it. I also like the misdirect of Concha thinking Isolde is a ghost before we find out more. And the ending was satisfying.

The very word ‘nautical’ makes me smile. Finally hearing it attached to one of my stories is awesome. I wish I wrote more nautical shit. I’m so glad Concha’s feistyness felt real. I really wanted her to be the primary hook in this story and to do that, she had to have that shred of fight left in her. Thank you so much for the review. 

 

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From SinfulWolf on October 25, 2018
 

Scent of Brine: It reads like a good tale of the sea. Murder and revenge. Cursed ones, and the ships they haunt. As one goes through it certainly turns into ‘humanity is the true monsters’ sort of tale. It worked well. The rapes were interestingly written as well I must say. You manged to hit a note somewhere between disgust and just that numb bitterness.

I think the only thing I’d really say to improve is make it clear the ship was navy, and who exactly was in the captain’s quarters. You said the men were drinking, but the men were also outside. If naval, maybe using the word officers, and the men or sailors were outside.

All in all, loved your little foray into F/F. That particular scene was quite well written in many ways. Especially in how she didn’t quite know what was happening with her body. Well done all round.

I’m glad the rapes were decently written. I wanted to make them super brief to hit that note of ‘numb bitterness’ you mentioned, and make them a statement of both her psyche and the times in which she lives, rather than a pivotal event of the story. (Also I hate writing M/F sex scenes, so there’s that too lol.) And I’m sooo relieved, you have no idea, that the F/F scene went over well. Thank you for commenting on that. Like of course the same pacing and flow would work as with M/M scenes, but the issue for me is word choice. I haven’t read nearly enough F/F to know which words are cheesy and which are too clinical, you know? Thank you for the tips and thank you for the thoughtful review. 

 

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From InvidiaRed on October 26, 2018
 

Scent of Brine.

Quite interesting, refreshing if morbid. pearl diving indeed. 

Thank you, InvidiaRed! Morbid is my middle name, after all. Well, Actually it’s Dawn, but… Chloe Morbid would be much more fun. 

[Sinfulwolf]

9 hours ago, Desiderius Price said:

I felt a bit  … disturbed too by what my mind came up with, but definitely a dark story (and technically, that entire universe of mine is set a short ways in the future, so it could definitely happen depending on politics).

Now that I’ve situated a Halloween story around Christmas, next challenge it fit a Holiday story around Halloween

We can be sometimes can’t we? The mind is a deeply odd place sometimes. Especially among writers. It’s strange what we can pull out of ourselves. And yes, I remember you talking about that before. Perhaps all the more frightening in that it feels so damn plausible. 

57 minutes ago, CloverReef said:

I’m glad the rapes were decently written. I wanted to make them super brief to hit that note of ‘numb bitterness’ you mentioned, and make them a statement of both her psyche and the times in which she lives, rather than a pivotal event of the story. (Also I hate writing M/F sex scenes, so there’s that too lol.) And I’m sooo relieved, you have no idea, that the F/F scene went over well. Thank you for commenting on that. Like of course the same pacing and flow would work as with M/M scenes, but the issue for me is word choice. I haven’t read nearly enough F/F to know which words are cheesy and which are too clinical, you know? Thank you for the tips and thank you for the thoughtful review. 

Heh, I have an idea, as we’ve chatted about it before. But yeah, I have a feeling I’ll have the same issues whenever I get around to my M/M scenes. Tip toeing that line between cheesy and clinical and what’s actually sexy to those that enjoy the material

 

I also have reviews of my own to respond to. Woo! 

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From PlagueClover on October 26, 2018
 

Eve of Hollow Souls by Sinfulwolf

First thing I noticed was the little details every now and then that helped breathe life into your story and your characters. Like Anora looking to the Centurion for comfort in the woods and instead, finding him on edge. It's hard to describe what I love about those little things, but when they're done right, and you certainly do them right, they're a crucial part of elevating a story's realism. 

I love the themes in this story. The war, the religion, the army of the dead. It all makes for a dark, atmospheric fantasy, perfect for Halloween. I love it. Even that brief reprieve with Lydia was beautifully sensual and done so well it did nothing to break the flow of the horror, only to grant your reader a breath. I'd also like to mention your skill with characters. I don't know if you ever worry about making Mary Sues, but your characters are so expertly flawed and strong. Depicting believable women and bringing them to life with your writing style is definitely one of your strengths. 

I enjoy doing little things like that. I like describing little ticks and motions the characters do when they’re just talking or walking or whatever. I feel it breathes a little life into them. Kind of a reminder for the imagination that they’re not just standing that yammering at each other straight backed, or strolling super purposefully down the road. I find it also opens doors for little snipits of world building. Not much, but little bits of it.

And yeah, once I thought of this idea earlier this week I hit the ground running and just went for it. Lydia was originally going to be the main character, but I felt it better for her just to have a cameo. I thought it would be better for the horror vibe if I had this noble completely out of her comfort zone. I often worry about the Mary Sue thing, especially with my typical archetype that I find coming into my stories. Them warrior lasses that I enjoy writing so much. But, this time it wasn’t actually I worry for me. I found it rather different to go for the noble woman who was physically weak, but could be a powerhouse in politics. She was a fun character to write.

 

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From InvidiaRed on October 26, 2018

7. Eve of Hollow Souls. Delightful and a history lesson all wrapped up in one. Just because you conquered it. Does not mean you understand the land or its ways. Its always murky when divinties war with one another. Yet, I'm in favor of not being butched by demons/undead and or both.

Why thank you. The one side was certainly inspired by Rome, and the conquered city in my head was drawn from Gaul, Brittannia, and Massalia. I had a lot more stuff but… didn’t want to drown in exposition since most of it wasn’t necessary for the plot. But yes, butchered by demons/undead isn’t the best of days.

[InvidiaRed]

From PlagueClover on October 26, 2018
 

Synth by InvidiaRed

Your writing style is quite unique. I was uncertain about it at first, but as I got into the story, I found that this unconventional, robotic voice you took on for this was effective in establishing the atmosphere. There were some technical issues. Mostly just missing punctuation and some sentences that could be simplified to help the reader follow the chaos. In all, it was a fascinating read, but Jesus Christ, poor dragons! Them fucking robot rods! Great job InvidiaRed! 

Thank You

X.x if you could point me in the general direction of where those technical issues are. Much appreciated

 

The near total extermination of the watchers is an indelible moment in Oceania's history.  It is unfortunately for them a fixed moment. Unavoidable, through no inherent fault of their own. They are deeply enmeshed with one another in a mental internet, a shared mindscape. This is ultimately what dooms them. Since if one of them is murdered they drag everyone connected with them and the web of death unfolds exponentially and tragically.  The children survive but they’re broken in ways singular minded people cannot understand. Those children eventually develop a language that is emojis  and color.

the watchers  are inherently type 2  civilization on the kardashev scale. On an oceanic world filled with gods,monsters and magic . They are beings of knowledge.

This unprovoked act by the elves screws  elvenkind forever.

As for foundation rods. They are a metallic alloy designed to withstand magnetic forces, friction, heat and pressure. Since using railgun tech they anchor their building deep into the earth. Those buildings aren’t going anywhere. Luckily for the dragons, it was the hypervelocity impact that killed them.

To paraphrase from grand inqusition.  There is one thing you must never give a watcher

and that is time.

For while the watchers may lose a battle or two. They will never lose a war.

Edited October 27, 2018 by InvidiaRed
clarity

[GeorgeGlass]

 

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From SinfulWolf on October 25, 2018

Apprentice: A nice little twisted fairy tale that seems at home with the brother’s Grimm of yore. I rather liked the Greek influence in here as well. Well written, with a good solid ending that I didn’t see coming. Well done all around.

 

Thanks! I figured if there were going to be satyrs, then the story ought to have a Greek (or at least Greek-esque) setting. Glad you liked the ending.

[GeorgeGlass]

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From InvidiaRed on October 26, 2018

3.Apprentice. Alternate title how to murder three girls with attraction perfume and ensure there are no bodies.

 

Who was the third girl?

[InvidiaRed]

15 hours ago, GeorgeGlass said:

Who was the third girl?

Her innocence.

Sofi is a kinslayer now.  A la cinderella gone bad.

[Sinfulwolf]

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From GeorgeGlass on October 27, 2018
 

Eve of Hollow Souls

An effective take on the classic “diss the local religion at your peril” theme. I especially liked the way you semi-subverted this theme at the very end by having Anora taken up into the light -- showing that her beliefs are as valid as those of the natives. I didn't see that coming.

I don’t like how common it is for one side to completely demonize the other while completely elevating their own. I wanted to aim for some kind of balance here. Glad it wasn’t seen coming though. 

[Sinfulwolf]

 

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From BronxWench on October 30, 2018
 

Eve of Hollow Souls

Oh, now this was a delicious little bloodbath of a tale! I love the Roman touches, and the religious conflicts inherent in any occupation. In truth, the Romans would have ruled the world if they hadn't lost sight of the need to embrace the local faiths. I adored the Sluagh, given that I'm mostly Irish and quite fond of the Sídhe. You married the Roman elements and the Irish elements wonderfully!

Thank you!

My original inspiration was Massilia in southern Gaul. I didn’t have enough time to explore a bit of marriage of Celtic and Greek, so only the Irish bit really came through. Glad you liked the Sluagh though, I pretty much just ran with a basic concept of them. I did do the research, but I wanted my own fantasy version that just had their roots from Eire. So glad it came across all well.

And… I enjoy writing bloodbaths.

[Guest Star Wars player 1]

Hi it’s me, I just wanted to say hi and happy Halloween. I have been a little busy this week, but I am still excited to celebrate the Halloween season, anyway, how are you doing? And how are you doing with your stories including ‘The More, the Merrier’, and ‘Little Rose ? Oh, and I have a Halloween question for you, during the Halloween season, which kind of horror movies do you like to watch ? Anyway, let me know when you have the time, hope you’re doing well, good luck with your stories, bye and have a good night.

[InvidiaRed]

From BronxWench on October 30, 2018
 

Synth

This one was complex, layered, perplexing, and exhilarating. I'm really not sure which POV tugged at me more. I think it was a close call between the grief of Iteration, and the sacrifice of Ur Dragon. That last line... "As the ocean tasted dragon blood." Just wonderful, and while not what I'd call traditional horror, it was just as terrifying and intriguing.

Beautiful! Thank you!

 

I am glad you enjoyed

Interation 33175 in a manner did manage to see her son again. She knew it not but she managed for a momentary glimpse that he lived still.

Ur Dragon was the only being to accurately recognize the threat the watchers represented.  From her perspective, these puny beings were able to communicate with her flawlessly despite her never lowering herself to talk to them. As a parent she had to make the hardest decision. Did she stay in a rapidly degrading situation where she would die like all her children or did she do the most pragmatic thing and leave. As long as she lives. Dragonkind can’t be wiped out. Her precious cargo will hatch dragons again.

From GeorgeGlass on October 27, 2018
 

Synth

A bit repetitive, but I like the combination of fantasy and sci-fi. I also enjoyed the way that Synth (like a benevolent version of Skynet) weaponizes construction vehicles to defend its creators.

Thank you, Synth is indeed similar only its aggression and hostility are directed at everyone who isn’t a watcher. Avoid, That northern continent on the other side of the world and don’t harm the watchers and you will be okay. Step foot on that continent, however… Thankfully, the southern continent is isolated by currents and distance. Nautical/Maritime Circumnavigation won’t reveal that Oceania has another continent. So that leaves mainly the dragons as the only ones who know about it. And they aren’t going to share what happened there. Ignorance and safety is bliss… At least for the next ice age and two thousand years.

 

Edited October 31, 2018 by InvidiaRed
clarity

[BronxWench]

Oohh, reviews! 

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From SinfulWolf on October 31, 2018
 

Redeem the Land - You got the setting pretty bang on. From the words they use, to a certain little quant quality of the village. It certainly sets the stage. While I never read the first two (which I likely will now), I wasn't lost. There was enough small recap to let me know what was happening, without being overbearing.

This was a good little suspenseful read which I readily enjoyed. The ending even feels a bit ambigous as to what's actually happening.

 

Thank you! I try to be a stickler for the little details, because sometimes I find myself jarred out of a story by something that doesn’t quite fit. I got into a huge argument with a professor once over Shakespeare’s “Coriolanus” because there weren’t any clocks in ancient Rome, dude! And I’m glad the ending was a bit ambiguous—anything involving the fey should leave you wondering.

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From InvidiaRed on October 31, 2018
 

Redeem The Land.

You capture expertly the relationship of childern of Danu and man.

 

 

I’m Irish enough to appreciate the old stories, and pagan enough to respect the Fair Folk. I blame the Viking bits for the bloodthirsty bits.

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From GeorgeGlass on October 31, 2018
 

Redeem the Land

Strong work as always, BW. I liked the "ten years later" setting, combined with the atmosphere you conjured for the first two stories. 

I'm tempted to ponder whether Connor got what he deserved, but these tales aren't about what people deserve, are they? They're about what is, no matter how much one wants to believe that it isn't.

Thanks for a satisfying trilogy.

 

Thank you! I’m very glad the “ten years later” part worked. I wasn’t quite sure if it would, or if I could conjure up a bit more from this tale, but it just felt like it needed a better resolution than where I left off in the second story. Now, of course, I’m wondering if there’s a bit more to poke at, or if I should leave well enough alone and find some other poor characters to torment. There’s always Yule… 

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From tcr on October 31, 2018
 

Redeem the Land

When I saw your summary, I was like, isn't that one from like before?  I'm sure I remember it. Am I going insane? Answer is: Yes. But the little note at the top was a good thing.  So thanks for confirming the thoughts.

Lol.  I must say something, up here at least, I worked for a security company named Garda and two of the managers I had the displeasure of working under are known as Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber…  lol. So… No connection, but still… lol.

As always, a great addition.  I went back and reread your previous two, just to get ready, and it was a good idea.  You've kept the atmosphere through them, making for a great trilogy, and the ten years later was a good choice.  Is there another planned for next year? :).

 

Thank you, from the bottom of my little black heart! I seem to be prone to writing oneshots in series. It may be a good thing, or maybe it’s just my own insanity.  And I’m loving the connection to your RL job. I’ve always said truth is stranger than fiction, and sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.

As far as next year, we’ll see if Lord Dubhlainn is finished with me, or if he wants to visit again.