JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[swirlingdoubt]

7 hours ago, JayDee said:

Fucking Halloween Party has been reviewed and so I currently don’t have any unreviewed stories on Originals, which is surprising!

Thank you for this review, I really appreciate it. The AFF jokes are because it was partly written for a AFF halloween story jam and partly because the offscreen/unseen demon villain, Sarsa, originated in another story You! that I started mostly to make jokes about fanfiction tropes, AFF itself, and second person writing. Some of the jokes work better than others I guess. I appreciate your kind words and offer the advise to consider any story codes and summaries closely as not all of my stories are quite so cheerfully good natured as Shannon.

I am looking forward to giving your Pokemon story a good read through later.

I’ll have to check out your Games section more thoroughly to close some gaps.

Oh goodness I am under no illusions about your content. I wish I had more to say, but I haven’t been a part of this community long enough to know what the jams and challenges are all about. You are leading me down the garden path of your parody story arcs.

Edited July 8, 2018 by swirlingdoubt

[JayDee]

The main story jams over the last couple of years were Christmas and Halloween, where users would write a story with some connection to the event. There may have been  others. I don’t think they actually called them story jams on AFF but the correct terminology has slipped my mind. Anyway some very good writers contributed some great stories.

Most of the unreviewed games stories are really undeservedly so, and please, don’t feel you need to go fill in games. There’s other writers and other stories that’d be better uses of your time! I’d rather say some of the writing I am genuinely proud of is in games too – in parts of Ending the Fan, Shokan Lust and pretty much all of the sex and violence free Friendship’s Gift – though they all have reviews.

[Desiderius Price]

Assuming I edit the links right, for the past three years:

Halloween 2015 http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600107953
Christmas 2015  http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108028
Halloween 2016 http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108385
Christmas 2016  http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108443
Halloween 2017  http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108780
Christmas 2017  http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108835

 

[JayDee]

And I think the first chapter of each of the above links has a list of all of the oneshots in them as well, which can give a bit of the flavour of variety on each theme.

[Desiderius Price]

I contribute, partially in the hopes of picking up a new reader or two.

[JayDee]

You! So I was reading a chapter of a first person story recently (GeorgeGlass’s  Mia: Confessions of a Dickgirl, which I need to also put a review on the site for now it’s loaded!) and it worked really well. Thinking more than ever about taking the I! sequel idea mentioned above, and actually going for it. I think the biggest weakness I have with it would be trying to make all five characters sound unique in languague rather than just interests for the narration for their parts. And also whether I’d be able to get enough humor out of Kate chewing on her own ass to deal with an itch in first person because I’d probably have more of that kind of thing than “noble wolf hunting through the forest”

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swirlingdoubt

The Day Tarzan Left Jane For You, His True Love Sarsa.

Oh, You!

Thank you for your comment! I realise this was a little on the nose for Mary Sue fanfiction titles, but I’ve seen some that were pretty fucking close to it! Although Sarsa was lying to and manipulating You! she is a genuine Suethor who really lucked out by getting released by someone with knowlege of the modern fanfic world as opposed to the much more restricted old school “Writing for yourself/fanzines” world. I’ll have to finalise a real name for Sarsa at somepoint, with “Sarsa” or “Sarsa Parilla” just being her pen name. As well as those demon style titles “The earliest records describe this demon as “The One Who Writes.” They say she was shipping Odysseus with her OCs before the fall of Troy! They say she burnt the place after a bad review…” 

And thank You! again for your comment :)

[GeorgeGlass]

On 7/4/2018 at 12:59 PM, JayDee said:

Some say that GeorgeGlass’s great talent is to make readers believe the unbelievable and so without further ado a positive review of The Man in the Tree.

Thank you for your review! I am always grateful to hear what people have thought of my stories. It made me do something I thought I’d never again do: read the story. It. Um. Yeah, we’ll go with that... Detailed world building. 

I just saw a quote from fantasy writer Scott Lynch that made me think of “The Man in the Tree”: 

“Elegant worldbuilding is the act of using little things to invite big inferences.

When you tell us that a woman in a fictional world has bought an apple from a vendor, you have also told us (if we care to make the inferences) about farmer, orchard, tree, and seed.”

[JayDee]

I’ve only read Scott Lynch’s The Lies of Locke Lamora but he built a pretty good world there. And even found a different use for barrels of horse piss. Which implied there was someone who had the job of collecting horse piss. I hope to read more of his stuff some day.

I guess with the apple example it also tells us there’s an economy where a vendor can support theirself selling apples and some form of currency.

Edited July 16, 2018 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Taking a different route. I’ve re-written one of my old stories as an Original story for the first time, and stuck in a cameo from Kizzy and the team. It’s currently about twice as long as the original while still maintaining the PWP urgency. I’ve been very careful that the new characters have nothing in common with the original story except for still being brother and sister. I’ve made them twins, and changed details of age and height and build and setting and lots more. It’s hackwork, to be sure, but no worse than if someone changed a Twilight fanfic to an original one.

The working title is Twinpregnation and I have finished several drafts (and before I finished it the first time, several more) and I feel I need to read it through a little more, after a break, to check for more spelling errors. This is one I’ve got a really good feeling about. There’s no violence and it might even qualify for a WAFF tag. Though that could be a step too far. I hope to post it by next weekend!

[GeorgeGlass]

This sounds like something I might like. Will you give us a heads-up when it’s posted?

[JayDee]

Can do! Thank you for the interest. I keep making little changes to it and then changing again. Come the end of the week I’ll just say fuck it and stick it up anyway

 

[JayDee]

Twinpregnation made it past 1000 hits in like 5 days, and still has maybe another two or three before it drops off the front page. I’m taking this as a sign It has either a) a good title b) a good summary, c) popular code(s) or d) a mixture of the three. I read (and reviewed!) another story with like 180 hits that was much, much better and has now dropped off the front page. I feel this is an indication of what I mean by a lotta hits not necessarily being a good indicator of a great story, since a story with 5 times less the hits posted a bit befiore is demonstrably superior to mine. Ahh well.

Anyways, I’ve plowed on with another re-write. Haven’t got a title yet (Was considering An Ass for An Ass, as when I googled it to see if anybody else had used the reference, there were’t any uses I’ve heard of and none for fanfic.) but I am again making it original. I’ve been wanting to re-do this one for a while and looked at two or three different fandoms  -came closest to Galaxy Quest since that features a convention – before deciding the best thing would be to make even huger changes to the main character, and turn it original. The biggest change will now be that instead of being a pure MF story, it’ll be an MM story and a Pre-Op Transwoman/M which means a more heavy re-write of one of the scenes (I might chop it out completely for another story and write it entirely new one, not sure yet), but a lot of the structure and basic story is still pretty good. An OC who was previously male I’ve turned into a Transwoman also, mostly because I was finding three sets of he/his pronouns too much of a pain to keep seperated with my more limited maleslash experience. Anyway, seems to be working so far.

[JayDee]

Well, Twinpregnation is at 1213 hits and the next time a story gets a new chapter or a new story is posted it gets knocked off the front page. And a review!

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GeorgeGlass
Oh, my, this is hot. I love twincest, especially when it's both deeply sexual and very romantic, and this fits the bill perfectly.

Thank you very much for the review, I really appreciate it. With it being my first attempt at making an old fanfiction into an original rather than a different fandom I wasn’t quite sure how it would come out. The original was basically a pure PWP with nothing but fucking, very little romance and I wanted to expand it and make it it’s own story. ‘deeply sexual and very romantic’ is just a wonderful summary and I appreciate it. 

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--I was a little overwhelmed by the number of characters that were introduced at the beginning. Chad, Scott, Caitlin, Mom, Dad, Uncle Declan, Cousin Lily, Jenny, Amanda, Kizzy, Shannon, and Conor are all mentioned in the first three paragraphs. I found myself wondering, "Which of these am I supposed to remember, and which aren't important to the story?"

I can see how that is. This whole section is all new from the original version and I had a few aims with putting it in. I was super nervous about really differentiating the new version from the original version, so adding in a kind’ve populated background seemed a good way to do it. The other two reasons were shout outs for people who read my orignal stories (most of them appear in one or more other stories I’ve written eg Chad goes on to be a top salesman and Uncle Declan had a couple people killed)  and I also wrote it because I wanted to try and explain why nobody but the twins were there that summer and also why Conor thought he was home alone. I definitely over convoluted it. I guess anybody who hasn’t been reading my shit for over 10 years won’t have read the original story, or get the shout outs, so it won’t matter to them and clearly can lead to the confusion for a reader who just wants to masturbate to twins fucking. It’s definitely something to look out for for more re-writes I do as originals. Thanks for the feedback on it.

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--I LOLed at the bit about Caitlin giving other guys an undeserved ego boost because they make her cum, but only because she's thinking about Conor.

--Caitlin having once taken a sword-swallowing class was a genius way to make her deep-throating Conor believable.

She’s a girl of many talents!

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--Another LOL moment: "Why did every school have a Moose?" (Although you should have capitalized "moose" in that sentence, unless you meant to imply that every school has a large, antlered mammal wandering the halls for some reason.)

The annoying thing is, I had it correctly capitalised in the previous sentence and then got it wrong there. Thanks for pointing it out, now corrected. Although, it is a JD fic, so a large antlered mammal wandering the halls is probably gonna fuck a student or teacher.

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--Super-hot moment: When Caitlin won't let Conor pull out of her mouth when he cums, and she swallows it all. 

That bit was from my original

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--Great description: "A full body climax that hit from flaming hair to flushed toes."

That wasn’t – the ‘character’ was brunette in the original.

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--The aside with Kizzy and friends in the street was confusing and didn't really add anything to the story except yet more characters who don't come up again (Kate and Lupa). I get that this story is part of a larger universe, but unless "Twinpregnation" is meant to be read after some other story that introduces these characters, I think you need to go lighter on the references to them.

Same issue as before really – I was wanting to try and drive home it being unrelated to the original fandom which had a more limited reaction in the original setting, and stick in the cameos. Sounds definitely something to take on board with the next re-write as an original. At least when I tell that story I can put a note at the bottom for folks to go check out Twinpregnation for something happening at the same time. I also hope to write the ideas I have for the Twin daughters’ adventure “What the fuck was that prophecy? Two born of incest? *Gets out phone* “Yeah, Mom? Got a question here...”

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--I love that Caitlin, from the very beginning, wants Conor to get her pregnant, and that Conor is totally into getting Caitlin pregnant. And I love that they find a way to make it work. (My own incest-pregnancy stories rarely get to the point where I have to figure such things out, so good on you.)

The original version had the impregnation and a couple of lines about it, but when I came up with the title I decided to emphasise it a little more. At least the incest isn’t going to continue for another generation and get into webbed toes and too-close eyes and voting Trump territory.

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Overall, very hot stuff. Thanks for writing this--and then for making it accessible to types like me by turning it into an original story instead of whatever sort of fanfic it was. 

Thank you again for the review. I really appreciate the feedback and will try to take it on board, and I’m happy it works as an original.

Edited July 31, 2018 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Twinpregnation

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Edward_or_Ford

My weakness is young romantic twincest, so when I come across an example that is also well written, I have to leave a comment.

Most of my thoughts were already perfectly represented by George, so I won't rehash them. My biggest comment is thatl I wish that there was *more* to the story. Getting to know the characters, and seeing some of the buildup of their feelings for one another happen; it would have made their night of discovery together all the more affecting. But even with the brief character buildup you gave us, you still managed to get me to feel the emotion and the sincerity of their love.

Excellent work. I hope to read more about Conor and Caitlin.

EoF

Thank you for the review, I really appreciate it. The character build up is all new for this re-written version to establish them as original characters so it’s nice that it gets the two main peeps across ok – I guess it partly comes back to the issue George raised  – introducing the other characters for background probably reduced the amount it felt I needed to include for Conor and Caitlin, when I could have included some more ‘growing attraction’ vignettes – ‘Conor’s first time masturbating over Caitlin’ or ‘Caitlin’s first time thinking of Conor with another guy’ type stuff. It’s like Chekov said when writing slash - if you introduce a couple of bros in act 1 they need to be getting banged in act 3 – still sounds like I got it partly right! I definitely like the idea of writing more about them so it could happen. Might be enough in the budding relationship side to do a prequel, though it’d need a Minor2 tag if they got a few months younger, never mind a couple years.

Thanks again for the review.

[GeorgeGlass]

On 7/31/2018 at 12:33 PM, JayDee said:

The annoying thing is, I had it correctly capitalised in the previous sentence and then got it wrong there. Thanks for pointing it out, now corrected. Although, it is a JD fic, so a large antlered mammal wandering the halls is probably gonna fuck a student or teacher.

If you write it, I’ll read it.

[JayDee]

So when I write Moosecock everybody remember it was GeorgeGlass who egged me on! And also, for those of you who like pregnancy and horsecock check out George’s story Pony Dearest.

So, I recently reviewed SinfulWolf’s Closing Time and heartily recommend it if you want some decent femslash – there’s only the one review so far, so get in there and give some more feedback!  As is sometimes the way of these things, SinfulWolf has reviewed a couple of mine too!

For Fucking Halloween Party

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SinfulWolf

Succubi... never enough story with a succubus at its heart. And not enough stories that really have fun with the concept. You did that quite well. Her powers were fun and aplicable, and hinted at a whole wide universe to be explored. I liked that it wasn't a vomit of info dumping, but little bits and pieces that helped add to Shannon as a character.

Nothing really stood out to me as needing to be improved. On a personal note the use of actual songs and band names felt jarring, and the inclusion of AFF felt a touch on the nose. But that's personal and I'm well aware mileage may vary on things such as that.

I really enjoyed this overall. Thanks for writing it. And thanks for sharing.

Thank you for this review! I didn’t remember the real bands, scrolled down and, wow, yeah that One Direction poster got dated fast, the rest are probably worse, eeesh.  I shoulda stuck with a fictional act like Dani Murphy. The offscreen villain spends much of her time on adult fanfiction sites like AFF sharing Mary Sue fics. She’s really evil. the AFF references were mostly because of it being for an AFF story jam, and with it having the same villain as another story I did, but stripped of that context I can see the issue there. I don’t always think about these things, thanks for the pointer!
 

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SinfulWolf

Incest between siblings is quite a fetish for me, so of course I wanted to read this. Normally pregnancy stuff is a right turn off, but you managed to swing it in a way that I actually rather enjoyed. So well done there.

Most of the points I wanted to bring up have been covered already. However, one I wanted to mention was the sudden switch from Caitlin's to Connor's perspective near the start. It was rather abrupt considering they weren't in the same room at the time of the switch, and there wasn't anything to indicate a switch for a few lines. It took me out of the story for a moment to re-read the paragraph and reorient myself.

Also, I do want to double down on what was mentioned before about the overload of characters. This is a very short story, and none of those folks have any real impact on the tale, and so they're just distracting to the moment. It seemed more like marketting for other stories than anything that actually fit well.

Still, you had some very sexy descriptions, good pacing, and good flow. I quite enjoyed the read, and will likely be recomending this to my wife who also enjoys a good twincest tale or two... or many. Thank you for sharing with us all.

Thank you for the feedback on this also! With such strong exortations from y’all I think I might need to go back and strip out some of the extra characters (and stick in a change of view line!) my aim of getting it firmly into the new setting seems to have gone a little bit overboard. Taking out the bit in the middle would be a pretty easy snip but I’ll have to be a little more careful at the start. Shouldn’t be impossible though – generally I hate going back and changing stories* when I’ve finished them even with a really good reason, but since this is already a re-write of an old story already it’s not such a thing. Plus, most of the change suggestions I used to get were “This story would be improved if you killed yourself.”

I hope your wife likes it also, thanks again for both of your kind reviews and the feedback on the characters and POV switch.

*Edit: Excepting changes for spelling/grammar/capitals/homophones and other accidentally misused words, the technical minutae in other words I usually try and change quickly  

Edited August 2, 2018 by JayDee

[JayDee]

That was actually easier to edit than I thought. I’ve cut out Kizzy, Shannon, Lupa, Amanda and Jenny, and Chad no longer has a name. I’ve kept the reference to family members in but with them established as being abroad I think there’s less “are they important” element there. Scott and Uncle Declan both get mentions at the end that I like how they work, but it really only works with them at the start. Eh, can’t be worse anyway! I think that probably it was a mistake to try to combine making it original with the advertising for the other stories, but at least I didn’t go into detail about the “ deep amber color, thick, creamy head, and rich, distinctive flavor of Anchor Steam Beer” or something. People might think I was being sponsored.

To sort of expand on what I was saying earlier for me I try and take feedback into the next stories I write, but I find it quite hard to go back and make bigger changes to stuff I’ve already done beyond the spelling/grammar/missing words etc – even with the big bunch of stories I’m comitted to re-writting it’s been pretty slow going. In this case though with it being my first re-write to an original I could absolutely see the logic for where it was going wrong.  

[Sinfulwolf]

Well, I never give feedback with the intention of the author to go back and rework the piece I’ve reviewed. I always just hope they keep in mind any points I’ve made… if relevant to their methods of writing… as they continue forward with other stories. We can be creatures of habit, and if something we do doesn’t work and isn’t pointed out as not working, we may well continue said trend.

Also, I find for stuff such as bands, you could use fictional, or if the character is unfamiliar have something along the lines of “looked like one of those boys bands that was popular a few years ago”. Or something to that effect. Our character may well not know the band. 

Edited August 2, 2018 by Sinfulwolf

[JayDee]

I thought One Direction were going to be massive instead of massively annoying and quickly forgotten.

[GeorgeGlass]

Thanks for the plug for “Pony Dearest”! 

More importantly, I’m proud of you for going back to fix “Twinpregnation”’s overpopulation problem. When two or more reviewers point out the same issue, that tends to suggest that it’s worth addressing, and it’s awesome that you are that responsive to feedback. 

[JayDee]

fully expecting the next two reviews to be “Would work better with more background characters.” (I kid, I kid! It’s halfway down page 2, it’ll never be read again!)

Thank you all once again for the feedback though, it really helps.

I managed to find the motivation to do it. I’m as shocked as anyone. I could absolutely see where you were coming from though, and why what I was trying for hadn’t worked well. Or at all. Even with that stuff stripped out it’s still differentiated enough from the folks in the old version I figure. If someone came to me tomorrow about something I finished three years ago and said “This bit is terrible this is why you should change it” and I agreed with them, I’d probably still not be motivated to do it and instead just take the feedback on board for future stories. I’m kinda lazy and stupid that way. Putting stuff off is what I am best at as a writer. The one I am re-writing at the moment probably needs another four or five hours of solid work, and I’ve had a couple extra ideas that seem really hot to me to include, and I am still not getting it done. But it won’t have any needless cameos, that’s for sure.

Currently calling the main character Hank Bellfield, surname is fixed but I am not too sure about Hank for a handsome actor type. On the plus side it only has two google returns and one of them seems to be dead so at least it’s not acidentally libelling someone.

Edit: The plug may not achieve anything. The Price by Pippychick has only had like three reviews from my plugging and that wasn’t even when I plugged it here, it was over on another site!

Edited August 4, 2018 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Still chipping away at the latest re-write. Still trying to think up a better title. As one of the characters is called Roman and seeks revenge for a historical crime I thought about “Roman’s Revenge” before google told me that was a song. Darn it. Yes, I’ve used song titles for stories before (with citation!) but I don’t like to anymore – too easy for them to come up on the wrong search. Hank has grown on me as a name, I guess that’s why I plumped it in the first place.

Was also thinking about the story codes. As the characters are two men and one transwoman I’ll need to use both MM and MF tags because transwomen are women  (contents of underwear irrelevant). And also one of the guys spends time thinking about having sex with a woman and placing his penis into a vagina and that sort of depraved cishet filth can be triggering for the hardcore yaoi fangirls who might otherwise have been drawn in by an MM tag.

Meh, will be very busy next week though so if I can’t get part 1 finished by Friday it’ll be a couple weeks more at least. I am slow as shit at the actual editing side of things

 

[JayDee]

You! has what will likely be its final ever review. But with 2141 hits and 21 reviews it’s stillgot what’s probably the highest ratios of hits to views of any of my stories, and nobody even gets anally violated. That’s not a spoiler, there’s no anal tag

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pippychick

I didn't see this twist coming at all, but it's very clever, and a fitting end, I think

Loved all the little jokes in here, though I laughed out loud at: "There's an awkward moment where you wonder if you can get away with pretending you had spoken to the actual angel."

And this: "Kizurial is happier to provide exposition than anyone else you’ve met."

I won't spoil it for those who've yet to read, but I'm very happy with this. Thank you for finishing this story - it was well worth the wait. Excellent.

Thank you for the review! I’m glad you liked the ending. I didn’t get it down quite like I pictured it in my head but it’s nice it worked anyway. My absolute favorite bit to write was the gag about mistaking the demon for the angel so it’s great that someone else appreciated it. To be fair she was an angel, once, but at the dawn of things before the coming of man and she was way, way, way down the celestial hierarchy from a seraph like Kizzy. She was like janitor’s assistant level. The rumour is she only fell because she wandered into the wrong meeting when Lucifer was getting the gang together. I mean, she even cocked up being a demon by becoming friends with an angel.

Thank you again for the review, I appreciate it! 

 

[Desiderius Price]

1 hour ago, JayDee said:

You! has what will likely be its final ever review. But with 2141 hits and 21 reviews it’s stillgot what’s probably the highest ratios of hits to views of any of my stories, and nobody even gets anally violated. That’s not a spoiler, there’s no anal tag

That’s a drool-worthy review to hit ratio.

[JayDee]

It’s a bit peppier than  For the Honour of The Slytherin having 3 reviews to 78307 hits over 11 years, that’s for sure. Frankly, I blame the anal violation.

I’m happy with it and super grateful for the feedback and making folks laugh successfully.