Keith Inc.
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Posts posted by Keith Inc.
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182. Get sloppily drunk on what turn out to be non-alcoholic beers (or giggle foolishly after smoking what really was oregano).
183. Find that today's horoscope is obtuse or completely inapplicable to her day. Either she doesn't read it, or the damned things practically MAPQUEST instructions for the next 24 hours.
184. Have to work hard to COVER her company's actual pollution footprint (expose/stop/limit/prevent, sure, never 'enable').
185. Use the fire hose to open a path through the environmental activist blockade (unless the story is written for the Ann Coulter fandom).
186. Look tacky, even in the tacky fast-food uniform worn tackily by workers at tacky restaurants across the nation (beauty shines through, sorta thing).
187. Have to change her vanity plate because everyone thinks it says something obscene, rather than the poetic image she intended.
188. Have to say: "I only did one, and that was to pay for tuition."
189. Find that her significant other is more popular at HER family's reunion (not usually a problem for the habitually orphaned Mary Sue).
190. Have to explain the movie rentals on the receipt, and why all three of them have 'firemen' in the title (Her brother, Marty, has to explain the 'Cheerleader' trilogy).
191. Have pictures developed and find a fat half-naked drunk ruined the group photo (save only that the disappointment is immediately forgotten because the next photo in the stack has incriminating evidence that will become part of a major investigation and contribute to the conviction of the involved individuals, once Mary Sue makes sure the villains are aware of the evidence, then manages to foil their attempts to destroy said evidence and prevent her from testifying).
192. Find her house moved off of her property in a mudslide (except if her True Love's home is directly downhill and they're forced together when he comes out to survey the damage and they find that their bedroom windows are now perfectly aligned to each other).
193. Say something foul mouthed at Sunday School. She is far more likely to speak in tongues than drop the f-bomb.
194. Be laughed at by people who know what the lyrics really are, when she reveals what she always thought The Bruce was saying.
195. Have to put air back in tires after ex-lover gets petty revenge. Mary's ex will either tactfully disappear from the scene or go straight to felonious assault.
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138. Get a form letter response to the letter she wrote her idol. He writes
back personally.
139. Throw a big party and only three people attend.
140. Have to decide where to put the couch she picked up at the landfill.
141. Settle for a job below her capability.
142. Settle for a man who's below her, mentally.
143. Be expelled from the bowling league for wardrobe offenses.
144. Ruin the hedge because no one ever taught her to use power tools.
145. Open the secret compartment in grandma's cedar chest and find only old dry
cleaning tags and empty gum wrappers.
146. Have to spend 'bring your pet to school day' apologizing to the owners of
small animals for what Mary Sue's pet constrictor has done.
147. Complain about how hard it is to adjust to bifocals.
148. Complain about the difficulty in getting signatures on her petition.
149. Have a double wedding (unless all three of the other people are canon
characters).
150. Shop for a casket. Well, not her own, anyway.
151. Come back from (Nashville, Hollywood, Los Angeles, Pocatello), bitter and
unsuccessful, to marry the guy at the gas station.
152. Reproduce AFF stories, by any means, print, electronic or other, without
prior written permission of the author.
153. Lose at strip poker (unless she wants to)(which would really be winning at
strip poker, wouldn't it?)(never mind).
154. Start a poetry publishing business that concentrates on other people's
poetry.
155. Start a poetry publishing business motivated mainly by the profits.
156. Start a poetry publishing business, but delegate the task of actually
dealing with the poets.
157. Call the office to find out that the temp hired for her vacation is better
at the job.
158. Splice cable illegally. Does Mary Sue even watch TV? Other than those
news bulletins that spur her to action, of course.
159. Set the bathroom scale ten pounds lighter until after the holidays.
160. Lose the bar bet and have to sing 'Watching Scotty Grow' while
accompanying herself on the zither.
161. Have to explain the sleeping arrangements to her mother when caught.
Mother Sue is the one that suggests Teen Heart-throb sleep in the girl's bedroom
in the first place, with impeccable logic.
162. Go down on a lover who is unwilling to return the favor in kind.
163. Climb into the wrong lifeboat after the ship sinks (the one with the
kitchen help, not the dashing officers).
164. Lie about her qualifications to get the job.
165. Lie about her job to impress the family.
166. Mistaken for a serial killer (save only that she escapes in order to bring
the killer to justice).
167. Be described by the phrase 'brought to justice.'
168. Be described by the phrase 'died in a shootout with authorities.'
169. Be described by the phrase 'restraining order filed against...'
170. Be described by the phrase 'and topping the list of Blackwell's Fashion
Failures...'
171. Receive a donor's organ (although she will donate anything and everything,
even things she doesn't actually have a spare of, or that modern medical
technology can NOT transfer).
172. Lose designer jeans in the laundromat.
173. Lose a designer jacket in the laundromat.
174. Lose an hour of her life in the laundromat.
175. Have to hitchhike back from Las Vegas (or any Indian Reservation casino).
176. Have to watch the killers escape due to her unfamiliarity with weapons
(although she has managed, at times, to dramatically spin the cylinder on an
automatic pistol, to dramatically pump a round into the chamber of a
break-action shotgun, to dramatically slam in a new magazine to a tube-fed
weapon, and to dramatically announce that her single-shot weapon is nearly
empty).
177. Knock herself on her ass by discharging a weapon in her hand that a pair of
250-lb Marine's would anchor and lean into to fight the recoil.
178. Get lost on a naval vessel due to unfamiliarity (although she uses port,
starboard, aft and foreward pretty much at random).
179. Have to spend hours, under deadline, rewriting her novel because her editor
thinks the love scene sucks the big Kahuna root.
180. Catch the conspiracy against her because she put new batteries in her
hearing aid and didn't tell anyone.
181. See Jesus in a leaf pile (Mary Sue's visions are technicolor affairs, with
a narrator and a musical score).
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Yes, they're all mine. No one wants to play, no matter where i post it. (sniff)
I'm having fun, though.
Glad you enjoy it. -
131. Reincarnate at the bottom of the wheel (or the bottom of the marsh).
132. Show up more than two chapters into the fic. Usually, not even three sentences into the fic.
133. Make pets uncomfortable (unless she's a terminator AND does not know that fact until the end of the fic).
134. Have a name that's among the top five most common names for girls in the country this decade (except if that's the author's name or a gender-bent version of the author's name).
135. Have a weight problem (although someone may mention, in the first two paragraphs, that she USED to have a weight problem).
136. Have a skin problem (even if she's part gargoyle or half shark).
137. Have body odor (except when expressed as exactly one sentence by one character following more than two straight days of effort on Mary's part, which is also pointed out in the same sentence, so it's clearly not her fault).
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83. Get tangled in the dog's leash (although she may drop the leash, so that Fluffykins can locate the body).
84. Have to stop talking until her listeners stop giggling over her inadvertent use of a word ("Heh-heh, heh, she said 'doody.' Heh-heh."). No one even snickers if Mary Sue suggests putting on a dickie, or talks about what's in her box, or says she pricked her finger.
85. Feel uncomfortable when cross dressing.
86. Feel unladylike when cross dressing.
87. Be unconvincing when cross dressing (although her True Love may feel disconcertingly attracted to the New Guy).
88. Get kicked in the crotch.
89. Get elbowed in the breast.
90. Suffer a failure of birth control device, practice or dosage.
91. Spend a frantic week waiting for confirmation of a failure of birth control device, practices or dosage.
92. Develop a smoking habit during the week spent waiting for confirmation of a failure of birth control.
93. Lose her temper at her True Love during the week spent waiting.
94. Say, 'No, wait, I told that wrong.'
95. Say, 'I don't get it.'
96. Say, 'I guess you had to be there.'
97. Tell a joke that falls flat.
98. Tell a joke that is too off-color for the assembled listeners.
99. Tell an in-joke when someone in the room won't get it.
100. Have to explain it.
101. Have to draw them a picture.
102. Have to act it out.
103. Screw up an incantation and release the demon (although the first time she sounds out the hieroglyphs, she will catch the intonation and rhythm so perfectly that she invokes the demon).
104. Have to spend her third wish wishing that she'd never made the second wish.
105. Be told that her wish violates the rules (excepting a wish that's so cleverly worded that it does an end-run around the rules and the djinni must respectfully acknowledge her skills as he grudgingly grants the wish).
106. Waste a wish on meaningless bullshit.
107. Clutch her chest and scream 'My pacemaker!'
108. Suffer cramps because she didn't wait half an hour before swimming.
109. Listen to someone tell her, "I told you so."
110. Listen to the 'it's all fun and games until...' speech while someone removes a nickel from Mary Sue's left nostril.
111. Have to explain why she's wearing rubber underwear.
112. Shave.
113. Get drunk enough to cry for her mommy.
114. Bite her nails.
115. Have the song 'It's a small world,' stuck in her head for three chapters.
116. Have occassion to call the suicide hotline number (except to locate a canon character who just called the hotline and gave a location which the operator will immediately offer up).
117. Get a noogie.
118. Worry that the armor makes her look butch (beauty shines through...).
119. Be hypnotized into thinking she's a hot dog on a grill (although her secret love for her True Love may be revealed while under hypnosis).
120. Begin to think that a hand puppet, Dragon Mike, is her only real friend.
121. Come out of the bathroom with toilet paper sticking to her shoe.
122. Come out of the bathroom with her skirt tucked into her panty hose.
123. Be interrupted by bombardments during her rousing battle speech to the troops. Battlefields fall silent for Mary Sue, even without the issuing of memos to the artillery of both sides.
124. Lose her glass eye.
125. Have a glass eye (unless....it's a MAGIC glass eye!).
126. Have OCD (unless it's a sexual form of OCD, in which case her case of the fuckbunnies is completely uncontrollable by medication or therapy...until she finds her True Love).
127. Have to say: "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling
kids..."
128. Find that she is not vindicated by the instant replay
129. Spend any time looking for trapdoors and hidden escape routes without
finding one.
130. Spontaneously combust.
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40. Wear mud, blood or crud when being introduced (unless the scene includes the phrase '...beauty shone through despite...').
41. Safety pin the snapped strap on her bra (unless the plot provides a point where she can MacGuyver a nuclear reactor using a flashlight battery and a safety pin she fortuitously has in her bra).
42. Worry about whether the account will cover the check.
43. Rotate her tires.
44. Choose the second-best wine.
45. Dump the entree into the guest of honor's lap.
46. Burn the entree.
47. Forget to cook the entree.
48. Forget to buy the ingredients for the entree.
49. Vomit from stress.
50. Cry (except within ten minutes of reading, hearing or writing a poem, love note or memorial entry in the log).
51. Improperly conjugate a verb, even in languages she doesn't exactly speak.
52. Speak about the Captain (or whichever character plays 'the heavy'), without knowing that he/she is standing right behind her.
53. Come in second place (unless the winner of First Place turns out to have cheated, or otherwise becomes unable to fulfill her office and must abdicate).
54. Incorrectly guesses the sexual orientation of another character (gaydar means never having to say, 'Whoops! Sorry!')
55. Arrive, as the cavalry, just too late to save the day. (Although the cavalry may arrive just too late to save Mary).
56. Miss the action by being on vacation.
57. Miss the action because she couldn't navigate her way out of a giant's boot if he tipped it over and shook.
58. Suffer from a phobia (except if she simply must overcome the phobia to save the day).
59. Get flustered during cross examination.
60. Find herself unprepared for the prosecution's questions.
61. Find herself unprepared for the defense's accusations.
62. Is at a lack for words (except within ten minutes of reading or hearing a poem, love note or memorial entry in the log).
63. Find a cockroach in her salad.
64. Find a cockroach in her neighbor's salad.
65. Fake a crush (Mary Sue's love is just too pure and powerful to mess with).
66. Fake disinterest.
67. Fake an orgasm.
68. Fear an audit.
69. Fear an auditor.
70. Feel threatened by the sexy young intern that just started working here, getting all the (wo)men's attention. If there is such an intern, she IS Mary Sue.
71. Suffer an inaccurate reputation.
72. Need a fluffer.
73. Find lover's porn stash (excepting old stashes that were completely put away after they became lovers and now spur intense adult relations).
74. Put a valentine in the wrong envelope or on the wrong desk.
75. Is outed by a bisexual lover at her wedding ceremony (although the captain performing the ceremony, or the man who gave her away, may respond to 'if there be anyone present who knows of a reason...').
76. Sit down and let someone else deliver the speech.
77. Sit down and let someone else emergency land the plane.
78. Sit down and let someone else find the murder weapon.
79. Accidentally break classic art (unless the art is a fake, and/or the clue to the murder is in the art).
80. Take the unglamorous but 'just as important' position of spear carrier while the fat lady sings.
81. Forget the words at karaoke.
82. Fail in an attempt to construe an original love song while on stage when her True Love enters the theatre/night club/auditorium. All Mary Sue's ad-libs come out as smoothly as if she'd written and rewritten them for hours at a keyboard in a distant bedroom or basement until they were polished.
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I get weird and confused responses to some of my shrinking stories, but the oddest has to have been to a story where i experimented with the 'last man on a world of amazons' cliche.
This is only part of a review for: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/review...ad&no=544202902
FIGHT MAN RUN!!! IF ONE DAY WOMAN CONQUER THE WORLD WERE IN DEEP SHIT!!! I MEAN IT THEY WILL BE COMING FOR US!THERE WILL BE WOMANS RAPISTS, PERVERTED WOMANS,AND CHILD RAPIST WOMANS. SO WERES MY ADVICE STOP THAT FUCKING AND RAPING, ABUSING WOMANS. BECAUSE THAT SHIT ONE THAY WILL HAPPEN TO US BELIEVE ME! -
26 sept.
My kids are 18 March, 10 April, 10 April.
They were SUPPOSED to be 18 june, 10 July and 10 July, all three preemies.
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Damn, i gotta find the rest of it, then.
Of course, some of them are mutually exclusive...or will be. Damn, this disorderly desk.
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Hmmm....half of my original list seems to have been lost in shipping.
But, hey, feel free, anyone can contribute.
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The list: 213 things Skippy can no longer do in the Army is a litany of behavior that Skippy actually did do, or threatened to do. This list would be the opposite. Things that a Mary Sue character never does, or else the character would be disqualified as a Mary Sue, becoming merely self-insertion.
- Die early.
- Die suddenly.
- Die mistakenly (as in, her sacrifice does not resolve the situation, no matter how SURE she was).
- Die needlessly (as in, one of the first few victims that die before the powers that be realize there's a problem).
- Die a virgin (unless at least four characters bemoan the lost chance to sleep with her).
- Admit that the pivot point of the plot is outside her area of expertise.
- Trip while dancing.
- Fart.
- Use the toilet in an imperfectly soundproofed restroom.
- Sing off key.
- Scream when a mouse runs across her foot.
- Scream when an elephant steps on her foot.
- Throw like a girl.
- Punch like a girl.
- Lose control of the car in a skid (excepting right after a land mine takes off at least one tire).
- Admit she can't drive on snow.
- Admit she can't drive in mud.
- Admit she can't drive stick.
- Admit she can't handle hard liquor.
- Fall for practical jokes (except when falling for the joke is a charity to someone whose jokes always fail).
- Leave the meeting because her security clearance is not high enough for the topic under discussion.
- Apologize for being a lousy lay.
- Apologize for being frigid.
- Apologize for imperfect personal hygiene in the intimates.
- Seek therapy (except when the counseling session qualifies as a bragging session).
- Miss a chance to lecture.
- Miss a chance to speechify.
- Miss.
- Look in the mirror and worry about her looks.
- Look in the mirror and consider the plastic surgery to be money well spent.
- Avoid looking in the mirror before her morning coffee.
- Pour rum (or anything from the wet bar) in her morning coffee (unless it's to counter the effects of the drug the evil-doers slipped into her coffee).
- Spend more time discussing the technical details of her brilliant solution than discussing the moral imperitive that demands she pilot the device.
- Develop as a character.
- Be forgotten after she leaves.
- Have to clear her throat twice to get the attention of everyone else in the room, despite the urgency of their discussion or the volume of firepower in the shootout.
- Have to explain it all over again after the interruption.
- Have to explain it in a different way for those that didn't follow the first explanation.
- Have to accept someone else's correction of her logcial fallacy.
- Die early.
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Well, to be fair, the way i find most stories i read is to find what else was written by an author i've enjoyed. I'm more interested in the story itself, and seldom notice the dates.
If it was updated a week ago or two years, it's all the same to me.
I would HOPE that i woulc more courteously express my interest. Something along the lines of 'I hope that more of this is coming' rather than 'you must write more now.'
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To me, all story writing is about characters.
Which makes characterization an important part of the work.
Some events in my life have helped me develop as a person, as a character, or highlight the sort of person i've developed into.
Characters in 'What's Love Got To Do With It?' have a fight that my wife and i had when we first started dating. Almost word for word (except neither of us was Lilliputian at the time), it highlights the couple feeling their way through their relationship.
My military experience is a lens that focuses my characters in uniforms. A clear understanding of why certain officers were my favorites (or my nemesis) informs the behaviors of the captain of 'Excelsior' or my veteran zookeeper in 'Lamia.'
And various conversations i've had, in real life and online, that fleshed out an idea or ideal of mine have made it into my dialogues, more or less edited to streamline the exposition.
So, real life is but one of the brushes i use assemble my paintings.
In addition:
'Our Next Caller' was inspired by a radio station that encouraged their readers to visit 'freaky sex' sites they linked to, one being a fetish site i hung out at.
'Dolly' was born in my head from watching my kids fight over who got to play with a certain toy.
'Significance of Dream Elements' comes almost entirely from a dream...that my wife had.
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Finally got inspiration for more chapters of Lamia, first chapter's done and available at Lamia II.
The adventures of a keeper at a preternatural zoo. An sometimes outside the zoo. With animals that are at least partially human...or humanoid. Somewhere between bestiality and xenophilia, i reckon, as a warning.
If my shrunken woman/giantess kinks in my other works were offputting, you might want to give this one a pass.
If not, i hope you enjoy it.
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Wow.
I just found something i won't write.
A blog.
http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600093676
I'm not sure if i could handle people offering reviews of my life presented directly...
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But it currently IS the law of the land. If the whole, or a significant portion of, the fanfic community turned to making profit off other people's copyrighted works, then the lawyers will start circling like sharks. Or if people in publishing merely percieved fanfic as a threat to their profits.Just because that's what the law says doesn't mean it makes sense. -
Why bother with the distinction?When does it stop being clean up and start being a case of ONLY wanting glowing reviews?I'm not getting paid for my stories, but i do profit from them. I get hits, i get reviews, i get feedback. I'm an absolute review whore, so i never delete any, but that's because any feedback is a credit, in my mind.
If you dislike a review, if it doesn't make you enjoy the process of writing and posting stories, why NOT delete it? Unless you think you owe something to the reviewers...?
And actually,I tend to read the reviews before i read the story. If it's something stupid like 'i hate (the pairing)' or 'i read the first paragraph and you suck' then deleting them would be a service to other readers, so they don't have to shuffle through such dross to find a real review that might help them decide whether or not to read the story.
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YOu own the book, but not the ideas in the book.
You can buy a movie, but it's a separate deal to buy the rights to make a sequel.
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When we were little, we'd watch a movie, or TV show, and want to go do that.
We searched the woods for the Spindrift, we figured the flight path the Flying Sub would take through the canyon, we drew straws to see who would kneecap Doctor Smith. We'd strap plastic guns in the places James West kept his backup piece. We had decks of cards held together with rubber bands, and a complicated arrangement so that a third of them flipped up so we could call the Enterprise.
We took the ideas of writers and actors and made them our own. We played in their cities, their universe, their futures. We didn't just discuss 'who would win, Darth Vader or Gandalf?" we beat each other bloody with our light sabre/staff.
The urge to play in other people's worlds is, in my mind, central to an active imagination. And a wonderful compliment. I mean, there are those on 90210 that i'd have slept with, but no one i wanted to be.
But i'd sell a kid to serve on any of the Enterprise ships.
I'd encourage FF, personally. If i ever get published. Just not for profit...
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I started writing in Fetish Porn. Rather specific fetishes. To me, 'taboo' just means that there's probably not a lot of interesting stories about it.
I write about what interests me, that's easy. And i write about what interests others, even stuff that squicks me out, because it's more challenging as a techncial piece.
Every time i think i have a limit, in the fiction, i keep finding myself taking it on as an exercise.
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MAD Scientist #7 is started.
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That's it!
Open a family-friendly version of the franchise. No porn, but swimsuit clad men/women.
Unless the person giving the order gives....the secret code....
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So, he needs to find a way to market it indirectly.
Direct mail, the adult section of the supermarket freezer, the freezer section of the adult film store...
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I read that book a few months ago. Don't really recall the details of how it ended, i'd have to reread.Even more specificly, about the characters Never Dead Ned, and the Amazonian woman Regina.What was it you wanted to happen? Regina and Ned hook up? What else would you like to see? Violence, as Ned can handle pretty much anything the Amazon can dish out? Romance, although neither of them were terribly experienced at it?
Nothing especially clear appears in my head just yet, but let it gel. Let me know what you're looking for.
Claim your Disclaimer
in Aimless Babble
Posted
What must ACME's disclaimer be like, that Wile E. hasn't sued them yet? What's in the small print? My impression:
ACME products are provided on a by-use basis for the desperate, OCD suffering, limited cash flow customer. Their use is contraindicated for government projects, people under the influence of Schedule Three medication, or anywhere in the vicinity of children. The purchaser of an ACME product assumes all credit for the successful use of the product, as well as all blame for improper assembly, improper use, or disregard for the basic laws of physics as understood by mainstream physicists and inertia-familiar professionals. There are no refunds for ACME products, although we would like to remind the customer that we have a working relationship with ACME Salvage, a wholly-owned subsidiary of ACME Products, who will purchase left over parts and piles of gravel following the successful or partially successful discharge of an ACME product. ACME has no responsibility for any death, maiming, free-fall, impact or other trauma incurred with relation to the actual assembly of an ACME product. ACME products are sold solely for entertainment purposes, which effort includes the assembly of the product.