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From FB, but still…

I’ll try to describe a quick scene for informational purposes. “WE LOVE YOU MERESKA!!” Her fans screamed in adoration as the swarm of Holodrones swarmed around her as her hover-board maneuvered crazy eights and other flight patterns. The Stadium was packed to bursting. She posed as her rotating nipple tassels displayed the list of her sponsors. Ad Revenue malarkey she never bothered to pay attention to. It wasn’t enough that her patented drone subroutines had become common place. It wasn’t enough that she was beautiful naturally without the aid of being pumped full of nanites and a dedicated team of beauticians and it wasn’t even enough that she could perform sing and dance while on a hoverboard. These people didn’t want a person… They wanted a perfect goddess no matter the cost. She would have preferred being treated like a picture perfect porcelain doll. She had done her best to avoid Hesperia Seven which lay on the outermost western spiral galactic arm. Away from the safety of the core worlds. At least the core worlds respected copyright. She lamented. She waved and blew kisses as she touched her omnitool bracelet to commence her wardrobe change routines. She was never doing another favor for the Corpo Kings who commanded the super-corporations here on the outer edges. She reminded herself to smile for the holodrones. It wasn’t that they fricking cheated. Casinos cheated as part of their everyday practice. It was the fact that despite knowing it from the onset… She had fallen for it. One holovid of a…. ‘Personal’ android doing some rather indecent things while having her likeness spread like wildfire over the holonet. And the culprit was here on this backwater fringe world. Mereska scanned the leisure suites for the fat cow that was behind it all. She had never killed before, but she figured all it took was some serious determination and perhaps a liberal application of expertly calculated blunt force trauma. There she was Tortoise CEO and future murder victim manhandling her doppelganger with her fingers in places that would have any HR firm priming for immediate dismissal… Had they been human. She kissed her lips and as the holodrones swarmed the position her kiss projectile would be to spell out I LOVE YOU! Wreathed in a prismatic heart large enough that even the highest seat could see it. She had been born too late. She decided, Too late to explore lost and sacred Terra Prime. Too late to explore this section of the galaxy. The preshow was about to end. The music began to build as her first song came up. There in the moment of silence before her first words there was a deafening screech as some large shadow drifted over her. “What the f-” She began and her eyes widened as she looked up. Something large was coming straight for her. She touched her bracelet and her fingers clacked over the interface as she switched the hoverboard to manual and shifted her weight so the hoverboard glided to the side. The dark object sped past her and the wind buffeted her out of the central stadium. The hoverboard spiraled as she hunkered down and clutched the board. Forever grateful to whomever invented the boots that were bound magnetically to the board. Without out them she’d have been flung off the darned thing ages ago.She managed to stabilize the hoverboard and it came to a stop. She sighed as she fought the nausea that threaten to vacated her lunch. She refused to throw up here on this planet. Outright refused. Some fans had gone so far as to plifer her bathwater from the hotels she had stayed at. They even stole her mattress out from under her while she slept! She shuddered, People were crazy. A few women and one man actually used nanites to remodel themselves after her. She absolutely refused to contemplate what her fans would do if they got a hold of her sick. She swallowed and kept the burning bile down. She ignored her burning throat and focused on the noise. There was a persistent droning and other noises. Noises that she realized was screaming. The persistent droning was infact the stadium alarm. The black figure that had nearly crashed into her. Wasn’t alone. As more dropped into the stands like meteors. It was currently biting stadium security forces in half like unwanted corn dogs She brushed her omnitool and set the holodrones to live-stream. As the holodrones regrouped around her catching her every move in a perfect spotlight. Predatory eyestalks darted to look at her location. That wasn’t a good sign. She grabbed her hoverboard and wordlessly pulled up. Her hoverboard promptly sped towards the rafters.

This is where we’re suggesting showing, not telling. A full barroom brawl might be a tad much for a start, but having an obnoxious customer and watching how Janina handles them could convey much of what you’re simply “info-dumping” with the original material. Janina has big tits? – Make the obnoxious customer comment about them. Janina can stand her ground? – Show the customer getting rattled by her, and the MC wondering how big the blood stain in the carpet will be. Janina can do magic? – Part of her response, blue fireballs or something. MC as a protector? – Have his hands on a sword, wondering if he needs to get involved. Supposed to be laying low? – Have the MC fret if this’ll blow their cover. Hope you get the idea, put in action, dialogue, showing the points you want to convey. It’ll be way more engaging, and you can sprinkle in details throughout, like having her rip her green pants.

I am a bit infrequent here for the moment since I have no steady internet in the summer house...but BronxWench gave a very good explanation of what I was trying to say in my previous post. If such things happen...why are you not showing such an event for the reader? How does he feel about his work situation? What are his reasons for working at the Inn? I would be much more interested in reading such at the beginning at the story than how Janina has blasted some fellow with her magic.

[MC] looked around the tavern, assessing his coworkers. They were a diverse bunch, but he had grown fond of them. Janina, a young elf with blond hair that was always tied up into a folded ponytail bun, stood at just over six feet tall and had blue eyes that has had a slight glow to them. Her green top gently hugged her athletic body, her fair sized breasts pressing against the fabric were the envy of many women, as were her strong toned legs hidden by a pair of grey pants that held on to her round shapely buttocks. Only once did anyone ever try to force her to do something she didn't want to do. She had the man pinned to the wall with a spell in one hand (What was the spell? You describe the fire ball in her other hand, so is this spell visible? If so, describe it!) and a blue fire ball in her other, ready to kill the poor drunk. After he had pissed his pants, she smiled at him and told him it was time to go home before he gets got into any more trouble. He quickly paid his tab and ran home. Janina simply returned to work while the entire tavern was dead silent, not one person taking their eyes off her, until she asked if anyone needed another drink in one of the sweetest voices that challenged anyone to try something like that again. So, to explain my edits… Give us some context in the form of a sentence that lets us know whose point of view this is. If this is from MC’s point of view, he doesn’t know what other women envy about Janina, unless they’ve all decided to drop by and tell him. If her legs are hidden by the pants, he can’t tell that they’re strong and toned, unless he makes a habit of peeking when she’s changing. Also, his absorption with the way her clothes fit makes him sound like a pervert, or a fashionista. You need to watch verb tense. You keep popping off into present tense when the sentence starts out in the past tense. Pick a tense and stick with it, please. The gods of grammar will thank you. Avoid endlessly complicated sentences. It’s confusing for a reader to keep track of what’s happening when they have to unravel all those clauses. It’s as bad as all those endless (and breathless) sentences that begin with “Then… And then...” Most of the time, unless it’s in the form of a scroll, you don’t see a spell. You see the effect of the spell. You got it with the blue fire ball, but the other spell? We readers have no clue what it is, or what she’s doing with it. Help out a poor reader and either describe it, or just have her hand around his throat as she pins him to the wall.

Sunburns are good things, happy things, ought to make you feel good. So, no, positive thinking can’t overcome everything.