Desiderius Price
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Posts posted by Desiderius Price
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I decided to dip my toes back in and see if I want to stick around.
39274.
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39272
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Well, if it’s fanfiction w/o a beta reader, one could get away with mixing up the two terms “blonde” and “blond” every several sentences
A quick check of the thesaurus gives “fair”, “light”, “bleached”, “flaxen”, “sandy-haired”, or “yellow-haired” as synonyms as possible alternatives. But, yeah, that’d be my approach, check the thesaurus for non-gender synonyms to substitute during the descriptions. (I’m writing a fic where I’ve got a similar issue, though not in gender.)
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Review Reply for Fiends
QuoteFrom DreamWorlds on May 30, 2020
Bro all your stories are so long! But you're so entertaining!!
I’ve enjoyed longer stories back when I was a more avid reader, makes sense it carries over into my stories. Thank you for the review!
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Episode #20 is posted, enjoy.
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From GeorgeGlass on January 07, 2019
“Santa’s Sleigh” by Desiderius Price
"This isn't even a real boy, Satan has already taken him" is a great line -- Father Jordan dehumanizing the victim to make killing him easier.
I liked the ending. “Sometimes the adults need Santa too.”Yep, I’ve made Father Jordan into a real monster, a creepy priest with a god-like power complex. (See Adam the Altar Boy, Dale’s Game, and Bones for other appearances). Hope’s a good character I do like, he/she’s pretty insightful at times (has an interest in psychology); also appears in Jefferey, Adam the Altar Boy, and Dale’s Game.
This story is backstory for a scene that was supposed to make it into Dale’s Game, the one where Jarred finds out about it, except the story decided to end itself several chapters too early
Anyways, thanks for the review, glad you enjoyed it.
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30 minutes ago, Praetor said:
From Desiderius_Price on December 28, 2018
A Most Peculiar Burglar by Praetor
Enjoyable piece of PWP holiday smut, which is what I think you were going for. One strange thought I had while reading it.... what if she suffocated during the blow? Suppose that'd be a fun way to start a Halloween story.
That was mostly the intent. I like to at least pretend that I’m doing something more in my works, but going into a prolonged discussion on veteran affairs and the nature of Christmas could take up an entire fic and probably be divisive. The lemon was the focus and I was trying to keep it short. I imagine Santa doesn’t leave behind a corpse when he dies, he just explodes into magic Christmas dust. Still a messy clean up, hopefully there isn’t a Santa clause.
Another thought…. next year’s story, with some magic Christmas dust, could be the successor, ie, offspring from this year’s “gift”
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1 hour ago, Praetor said:
I said it was going to be an unrelated Christmas one shot. Sorry if I was missleading. I just realized the next Overlord chapter could have been retooled as a Holiday, or at least winter, special since it dabbles in Frozen but that wasn't the plan.
I’ll frequently do backstory as these holiday/halloween oneshots.
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2 hours ago, Sinfulwolf said:
Well… now I’m posting a story I wrote last year.
Hey, that’s good. Better late than never.
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3 hours ago, CloverReef said:
Last year I worked during the holidays so I had a terrible writers block. Though I’m not writing nearly as much as I did around Halloween, it’s not for lack of time, and Halloween is special to begin with. I’m drawing a lot more than I have in years and arting in different mediums, though, so I think that still counts as being productive in our world. So I think I’m nicely snug between the two options.
Halloween writing is enjoyable too simply because villains tend to get away with it too, and readers don’t know if the protagonist is going to win or lose.
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On 12/22/2018 at 8:09 AM, Anesor said:
Heh, these were ideas for boredom and block. Exhaustion from NaNo and holidays were part of it for me not lack of ideas. I have files of ideas and inspirations, and about 6 that want attention right now, and an original on hiatus until the new year. (I really don't read outside my current fandom, like I won't touch lotr or any anime)
I had to skip the whole period of that collection was in the works as we had a major illness in the house
and what time I had went to a college-level writing class and the anthology I’m in that just released. Some projects you just have to let pass. I’m trying to wean myself off fanfic into originals for publication, probably my new year's resolution.
I thought I was weaned, but then, this one particular fanfic of mine started to protest, and I succumbed, rewriting it now with the aim of completing/finishing it off. It’s one with a good, strong plot – and I had always had clean/smut editions in mind, so it’s worthy of my time.
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2 hours ago, Sinfulwolf said:
Hmmm, that’s definitely something to keep in mind. I certainlly wanted there to be connections to the Halloween story, but I did mostly want this one to stand on its own. May have been a bit heavy handed with the connecting threads. As to the fade to black, heh, sorry about that. I think my thought process was I wanted to cut the scene while it was still good and sexy, and before I started to just get a bit repetitive.
Thank you for the review!
A quick skim was all that was needed to get it, so not too bad.
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From @JayDee on December 22, 2018
Santa’s Sleigh – Des 2: Des Harder
I was like “This is dark... darker... darkest... whoa! Happy ending!” Father Jordan’s a really asshole though isn’t he? I mean, damn. It was an interesting look into what feels like a messed up world. I did prefer the first story, but this one was cool too.
Thanks for the review. It’s nice to have some stories that you can read. (Well, I suppose you could relocate/travel to a different country….)
I’ve definitely have made this world rich in context, with the USofA sliding into a theocracy (it’s not fully there in most of these stories). So, it’s an era where priests have more authority than they currently do today. So, I like Father Jordan as a character, simply because I’ve made him a bit richer in the personality. A hypocritical and naughty priest, with a thirst for power and control. Traits that flourish quite nicely in the world I’ve created (and scary in that we’ve got those traits with people in political office today).
Hope (the santa’s preferred nickname) is another interesting character, and he/she shows up in other stories too, usually as a trucker with a colorful backstory. In a bind, I’d definitely trust Hope over Father Jordan any day.
Fitz will continue to feel the guilt over this, it’ll still haunt him, his actions, but it’s slightly easier now. He’ll still try to “make up” for it, as in he’ll be sending Jarred to the elite private school of the area. Also, as a result of this incident, Hope and Rube are able to “recruit” Fitz to help with in the opposing cell-style resistance, despite his persisting homophobia, which Jarred will start to become aware of as he gets older.
Anyways, glad you enjoyed the story! @CloverReef was disappointed on the lack of deaths in this one … but that would’ve messed up some of my stories.
- JayDee and CloverReef
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From @GeorgeGlass on December 21, 2018
Jello, by Desiderius Price
There's a lot in this story that I didn't understand:
-Nobody acts like it's a big deal that there's a naked guy walking around, yet this can't be a common occurrence in Megan's world, or she would have seen more than two penises by this point in her life.
-Megan didn't know in advance about the bombing, yet she doesn't seem surprised by it, or concerned that all her co-workers are dead. Is she meant to be a psychopath, or something like that?
-Why did the whole family end up dead? And who were those two men?Thank you for the review. I very likely went too fast with some of this… it gets tougher and tougher to avoid with how interconnected my stories have become.
So, this is T-day, basically, Black Friday opening early, so think crowds, big crowds, and everybody else focused on getting that big “deal” on crap they don’t really need. So, yeah, very uncommon occurrence, but I needed him to stand out on a security camera, he’s (at least one of) the bombers. And she held the door open for him – enough to be “guilty by association” in this world.
And Megan, she could be psycho or not
It's retail, so it’s not a glamorous job, and she’s been flirting with the boss for promotions, so apart from a coworker or two, she’d not be too concerned.
Baris, Baris, my favorite agent to use from the US. Dept of Homeland Morality, the federal agency in charge of spiritual welfare, who rather enjoys getting his hands dirty and has more of a scorched earth policy. I envision Agent Smith, from the matrix, including the tone, every time I write him. And I enjoyed the irony of Baris using the same method as the family did (though it was in the leftover turkey instead).
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@Anesor You can always read/review my stories for inspiration, or even try the holiday anthology at http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600109191
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41 minutes ago, Sinfulwolf said:
Ha, that it does, I will admit. The world is much like that, so it fits for what’s our near future.
I’m crossing my fingers, hoping that nobody uses my stories as a blueprint for a religious society.
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On 2/12/2008 at 12:46 AM, TurtleHermit said:
I simply could not believe what I wandered upon one cool Internet browsing evening. But I shall tell you folks...it began with this website that is in relations with the Bush Administration, was purposing to have all the "Unsaved" (yes, this was their term) people CATALOUGED, as in, put into a database and persecuted!
Well, as I found, it GOT BETTER. I then found a site on a Link bar that directed me to this article:
http://www.ironhymen.com/boysprivates.asp
Which says and I QUOTE: "The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"
*This site is a joke, combating the stupid things crazy religious political 'publicans usually shpeel.*
My story universe isn’t to be used as a blueprint! Heaven’s, NO, NO, NO!
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1 hour ago, Sinfulwolf said:
@Desiderius Price That’s fair. I wasn’t overly lost through it, which is a good thing, and impressive seeing as how connected all your stories really are. Surely more impactful for those that have read everything, but I could still easily follow the story only missing the more subtle cues.
Thanks @Sinfulwolf … that’s pretty much what I aim for. As I write more and more stories in this universe, the growing danger is that a new reader can’t understand it w/o reading the others. I truly want it to be meaningful for a reader if its their first or their tenth story. And for those that have read many, the extra insight is a bit rewarding too (ie, the cheerleader idea not being appropriate for the kids’ ride).
And yes, I love my universe being uneven, idiosyncratic, and hypocritical; as this gives me a rather large set of interesting stories
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From @Sinfulwolf on December 20, 2018
Santa’s Sleigh – by DP
I’m not entirely sure what to think of this one to be honest. I mean, we have a character that was damn near indoctrinated by the church and almost committed a terrible act but now seeks redemption, however he still treats his wife like shit and doesn’t seem to be trying overly hard to get that redemption. I don’t know if Isabel acts shrewish because that’s how she is, or because she’s been driven to that point by Fitz.
In contrast to your other story for this anthology, I felt Fitz had some decent emotional weight behind him though. Even though the events were still quick, I think it’s because we’re seeing his reaction to it all in the present as he explains it to a stranger.
Your writing is good, and this setting is unsettling as I’ve said before, but this particular entry left me a little confused to exactly how powerful the church is.
Thanks for the review.
Unlike Jello, nearly every character in this story was recurring, so they already had some characterizations behind them, this includes the Santa Fitz confided in. Like Sister Iris’ reaction to the knowledge of who Dale’s father was (a point that gets explored in Dale’s Game). Whereas Megan, Dustin, and her family were all new characters (Baris, though, is a recurring character, and I’ve mentioned Melvin in Jefferey).
As I’m portraying the religiousness of the society through snapshots across the stories, it’s not fully explained, which gives me plenty of wiggleroom for future stories
The general picture I’m portraying is a society that’s gone conservative, and is heading for a full theocracy in the coming decades (it’s defacto there in a lot of its elements); but still with its idiosyncrasies (such as cheerleaders). Baris is simply my favorite agent (ie, refered to as “pengus” by a certain group of people) to write in from the US Department of Homeland Morality, charged with overseeing and promoting the general spiritual welfare of society. For a priest abusing his authority, Father Jordan’s a strong character to use. But Albuquerque isn’t the only place experiencing this in my universe, which I show in a number of the other stories.
As a result of Father Jordan’s proclamation, Fitz will struggle, and keep struggling, in his acceptance/relationship with Jarred. As a whole, Fitz will be a net positive here, but he’s got his flaws, as all characters should have.
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From @BronxWench on December 19, 2018
Santa's Sleigh
I'm going to admit, I didn't quite like this one as much, and it's largely due to the way I felt about Fitz. He just bothered me from start to finish, with his belligerence, his reliance on drinking to handle any curve--while his wife was in fucking labor? Seriously? It felt to me like Fitz was looking to blame everyone and everything but himself, and while Father Jordan is one of the most loathsome creatures imaginable, Fitz isn't far behind. If I were Isabel, I'd have left Fitz a long time ago.
Anyway, sorry, but this one just made me cranky.
Thanks for the review. Sounds like I really made Fitz realistic
with a distinct personality (that can be difficult when writing). Fitz is a functioning alcoholic here, so yeah, he’ll resort to drinking to self-medication, which is a fairly common trait in today’s society, just like blaming others for their own frailties. That Father Jordan played up on Fitz’s homophobia to the point that Fitz nearly murders his son, well...it’s a low point in Fitz's life that I had intended to get to in Dale’s Game, before I accidentally ended the story a chapter or two early. I’m tempted to add those chapters in (guess who learns about this secret?)
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Jello – By DP
I’m pretty sure your main character was a sociopath, but the story was a nice little peak into your dark little world here. It is rather frightening how close it can be to real life at times. I just think it went a little too fast. A lot of things happened, without any real time for anything to properly sink in. Megan just kind of went from event to event without any real emotional ties for me as the reader to sympathize with her much.
Thanks, I do strive for it to be realistic (with my couple of tweaks). And thanks for the critique; I’m always trying different things with these oneshots, and it’s tough balancing pace with detail given the size constraint. Now, if you want longer, my potter story will most likely break a million words with plenty of time to introduce everybody!
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From PlagueClover on December 19, 2018
Santa's Sleigh by Desiderius Price
Sigh, that father Jordan and his evil gaybashing-but-strangely-very-gay gadgets. If he was in our universe, I bet I know who he'd vote for.
It was nice to see familiar characters even though I haven't read your chaptered fics, having read a couple of your oneshots has given me a little more insight into this world. There were a few moments that made me laugh, a few moments that made me want to strangle a priest, and a few moments of 'awww'.
It was a sweet little flashback story and nobody died. I was totally gonna give you a hard time about that, but then I remembered nobody technically died during the course of my story either, so I guess I'll resist the urge to be a dick, just this once. Awesome story, DP.
It could still be our universe … I mean, it’s possible. It’s mildly futuristic, so I’ve assumed a “genetics in a box” here, tuned for those markers of sexual orientation – there are spots in the chaptered stories where I refer to the “Great President (censored)”. (Does that fuel your nightmares?)
I do like to bring the characters back, just like Mr. Baris in the previous story (he’s recurring too). It gives continuity to the the universe and familiarity. For this story, it’s backstory to something that gets alluded to in Dale’s Game, and would’ve been the subject of the final chapter if I didn’t accidentally end the story early (in fact, I kinda need to address that).
It was a fast/fun write, and not every story has death in it (things would get really stale if they did). As I’m trying to make this a plausible/semi-realistic universe, deaths ought to be fairly rare things.
BTW, thanks for the review.
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btw, I haven’t vanished. I needed a break from originals, and have been working on my Harry Potter story, which I plan to work on until I need a break from it. (btw, my main Potter story is on AO3 [adult] and FFN [clean], under the pen name “Dragon Voldemort”)
I did submit Halloween and two Holiday stories this year, so there is new material, in this universe.
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