Desiderius Price

“Hi, I’m Janina,” the busty lady said, “Don’t even think it, because the last man who dared, she’s working in the cellar. Now, what can I get you?”

Breasts so large they’ve crushed fifty men?

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It’s bad when you don’t remember why you’re in jail. Parking violation, perhaps?

First word, first sentence, first paragraph, first page, first scene, and first chapter are definitely important and worthy of focus as a writer. Obviously, there’s some leeway at the start of the story, but I’ve been turned off by walls of info-dumping/text before, so that’s why I try to avoid writing large blobs of them. So that’s why you’ll typically see my stories starting off with some level of action, be it dialog, a sound, a movement – don’t want it to be a super-involved action scene, but something to get the story moving. Now, an epigraph might be a consideration. An epigraph is a short quote/conversation, etc, that’s relevant to the whole story. In one of mine, I quoted a bit of (fictitious) legal code that applied to the situation. Other examples are quotes that are from a future historian’s POV (Andromeda, the TV series, did this), or a bit of the adults’ conversation about Ender Wiggum in Ender’s Game. Another trick is a scene from near the climax, where everything appears to be going horrid/tense, with a “some time earlier….”

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If you’re after fun, turn it into a bucket list, challenge yourself to writing stories featuring tags you don’t normally explore.

That’s how you could introduce Janina, from the MC’s POV (male, right)? He could remember his *last* time there, an insult that pissed her off, and how he doesn’t want to repeat his mistake again. In doing so, add in details to her cleavage/clothes every other paragraph or so.

“A” in AFF stands for “adult”, which free-speech means you’re free to write a wanker aid, if that wanks your noggin, which is fine. We’re here to help with improving the writing, and stereotypes are something we’re all susceptible to writing in without realizing it, perhaps we’re writing faster than we’re thinking. (Felt we needed the reminder.) My take, of course, is that you could turn your info-dump into some wonderful scenes. Now, I think you’re going to write this from Janina’s POV, at which point, she’s not going to describe herself in that level of detail – how many women will envy another woman’s breasts? Now, if you change the POV to be from a male’s (or lesbian’s) perspective, then having him/her lust over her breasts gives you an opportunity to describe them in more detail and be relevant to the story. If this is an investigator’s POV, investigating the blood stain on the wall post-insult, then measurements of Janina’s breasts might be relevant to the rap-sheet. From Janina’s POV, you can still hint, having her complain about back-pain from the stress, she doesn’t know the magic, can’t afford the potion, etc, and is saving up for a reduction procedure? As to clothes from Janina’s POV, could have her deciding what to wear in the morning, perhaps in front of a mirror, give a chance to describe all of her trousers as being green, or whatever. Using makeup to hide a mole, etc. Or even grumble when red wine is spilled and staining her clothes. And the hair, well, the band could slip so she has to redo it. All ideas…

I bookmarked it ages ago, refer to it from time to time, cause it’s handy!

Full list is at http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/topic/3690-story-codes/

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Maybe Janina is a people person, likes the conversations that one can only get from being a barkeeper. Maybe she likes the free beer. It’d be a good spot to know who’s coming through town. Or, there’s a recession so serial killing doesn’t pay like it used to and she simply needs the money? I took the bait and speculated, I love to brainstorm

My original point here was about the info-dumping going on, and to spread the details around in the action scene; show rather than tell, is a mantra I try to live by (though there are times telling is fine.) That was an instance where I had added in the douche-bag so she could draw parallels to the earlier scene (which could be a backstory/epilogue).

I figured a full multi-chapter rewrite wouldn’t be great in a forum post, so didn’t portray the douche-bag’s blood reduction process before his perpetual eternal BBQ. Otherwise, I agree it’s best to not perpetuate the stereotypes (though, while writing fiction, I don’t mind plastering offender’s brains on the ceilings….)

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Sorry for personally offending you there. Meant it more of an exercise of showing how the character responds to insults—another stain on the wall perhaps? Showing instead of simply telling can make the reading more interesting, IMO.

Lemme turn this snippet into a full, multi-chaptered, backstory! TBH, that’s not quite my style, I’d write something more like: Obviously, I didn’t capture all the details, but you get the hint. I try to lure in the reader with a bit of action intermingled with the description, leveraging the flashback you’re alluding to. This lets you spread your info-dumping over multiple paragraphs/actions, and adding in a random patron.