JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[Desiderius Price]

My highest, here, is 9 reviews in 2632, because Dirty Angel loved to review until she decided to go off-grid.

[JayDee]

Repeat reviews pushed up You!’s reviews as well. They’re all valid reviews though and it’s nice to see folks coming back. We gots to appreciate what we can get!

[Desiderius Price]

14 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Repeat reviews pushed up You!’s reviews as well. They’re all valid reviews though and it’s nice to see folks coming back. We gots to appreciate what we can get!

Exactly.  I miss DA, and her reviews, wish she’d find time to come back.  I do have some of those “avoid” tags on my stories… that cuts down my audience a bit.

[JayDee]

Part 3 of the re-write that is An Actor Abducted was supposed to be posted by tonight but I am still not quite happy some of the phrasing changes, hopefully by be done by Tuesday, then the final part might be a couple weeks because I need to make bigger changes to the ending as I am unhappy with the ending for one of the characters in my original (the one who became Gabrielle in this version), but I won’t have any free time for a couple weekends.

 

 

[JayDee]

Review on An Actor Abducted

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BronxWench

Okay. Well.

I think the character I feel sorriest for is Gabrielle, who really, REALLY doesn't want to be there at all. And probably won't want to be there even more in Part 4. It's a testament to your writing skill that I'm actually feeling all sorts of squicked, given some of the stuff I read while sweeping, but there you have it. You've squicked the unsquickable me. O.O

The truth is, I'll read Part 4, and anything thereafter. I've got to know how Gabrielle fares.

Thank you for your review! I really appreciate your thoughts on this. To be honest I was assuming this story was falling squarely into the “Whoa, this is the kind of shit I don’t even want to comment on anonymously!” catagory. I totally get the squicky feeling, it’s a pretty nasty subject matter. I didn’t think it was so bad as some of the gorefests I’ve done, but in a way their over the top nature makes them more fantastical/silly, where this sort of thing is perhaps more grounded in reality and so easier to turn the stomach (someone once said something like that about my old story Mike Rapes a Dyke). I’m kinda tempted to put that quote in my sig! DarkFic sub-section definitely the right choice for it, huh?

Part 4 is basically three-quarters re-written – I’ve been through on the original, changed all the names and genders and that, but the endings for “Hank” and “Gabrielle” need to be changed quite a bit, since eg Hank isn’t going to be getting pregnant, and Gabrielle isn’t cheerfully keen to take part in rape like the original version. 

It could take a while to get right, and in the meantime I’ve done the first draft on Naruto the Cluck , but that should be quicker to polish as a flashfic and then hopefully I’ll get part 4’s re-write finished!

Thank you again.

Edited October 8, 2018 by JayDee

[BronxWench]

1 hour ago, JayDee said:

I totally get the squicky feeling, it’s a pretty nasty subject matter. I didn’t think it was so bad as some of the gorefests I’ve done, but in a way their over the top nature makes them more fantastical/silly, where this sort of thing is perhaps more grounded in reality and so easier to turn the stomach

That’s it exactly. The gorefests are fun, really. I’m not at all bothered by that, but this does feel much more real, and therefore more horrible. Actually, I felt the same way about CL’s Backdoor Politics, which was hard to read because it was so real. I suppose I harbor that last bit of hope that we aren’t terminally fucked as a species, despite the state of affairs here in the States.

[JayDee]

At this stage the world is pretty much gonna roast us, shake us, blow us and drown us with climate change until we go the way of the dinos. Gaia is fucking done with our shit. In 65 million years highly evolved cockroaches are going to be trying to work out just what the fuck we needed so much plastic for, while the President of one of the major landmasses talks about grabbing ‘em by the thorax.

Still, you’ve got to laugh. 

Oooh! I could always lighten the tone for Part 4 by turning it into a gorefest. Enforce Chekov’s Gun on Roman’s Knife sort of thing – I mean, the dude’s Russian so it’s kind’ve appropriate, and with the re-write set in London I guess there should be ramped up knife crime.  I begin to see a way to do my changed ending.

[BronxWench]

3 minutes ago, JayDee said:

At this stage the world is pretty much gonna roast us, shake us, blow us and drown us with climate change until we go the way of the dinos. Gaia is fucking done with our shit. In 65 million years highly evolved cockroaches are going to be trying to work out just what the fuck we needed so much plastic for, while the President of one of the major landmasses talks about grabbing ‘em by the thorax.

I adore you, utterly!

[JayDee]

Oh, if we’re doing compliments… Thanks! and I’m always in awe of your writing ability, and the dedication with which you approach everything you do. And thank you again for the review!

[JayDee]

Update on An Actor Abducted:

I spent a few hours in two batches today re-writing this part, including the bits I’d already three-quarters re-written. I took out a good 700 words of the original ending completely, and wrote around 2000 new words both in the ending and throughout. It’s now got the shape and the ending that I feel works and is pretty different to the original. I want to leave it a few days and look again as there’s likely introduced types/grammar errors I’ll hopefully pick up, but my hope now is to have it finally finished and polished by next Saturday or Sunday.

I’ll leave it in the Darkfic > General section, as the only actual threesome – which will need tagging – is towards the end of the final part so just a 3Plus tag will be more accurate, than moving to threesomes/moresomes and I’ll probably put it at the top of Part 4 only rather than the main page summary so as to not mislead on the majority of content.

There’s another tag which only applies to part 4, which didn’t apply to the original, that I will put on the main page summary because it’s a bit of a trigger/extreme content tag. Someone gon’ die.

Edited October 14, 2018 by JayDee

[JayDee]

An Actor Abducted finally got finished and it’s one of those stories where I’m not hugely happy with it, but I stil feel it worth the effort as I genuinely think my re-written version is a big improvement on the original, and I like how Gabrielle’s character turned out. In my original version she was a cishet male who happily became a rapist. Gabrielle’s waaaay more nuanced and less of an asshole.

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BronxWench

Augh! WS! But it's a credit to your writing that I didn't stop reading, and I was quite glad, too, when I saw what you had in store for Roman. I found it deeply satisfying when Gabrielle proved her mettle with sharp metal, although I most likely would have had the same response afterward. She really is my favorite character in this tale, and I really do hope you use her (or her AU version) in more stories!

And thank you for the shout-out, and the lovely compliments! I'm far from the best writer here, but I'm always happy when people enjoy my work.

Thank you for the second review also! I really do appreciate the feedback. The WS I felt helped show Roman was getting even more extreme, and it seemed Gabrielle needed a nudge to get to the right mental place. Plus it was in the original version… then again, so was some brief scat content and I wiped that. As it were. Bringing back OCs and re-using them is something I’ve been dicking around with for years so I am sure if I can manage it, I will. At the very least she deserves a nice stiff cock up that British arse just like she’s been dreaming about. Thank you again

You’re one of the best writers I read on here for sure! I can only judge on what I read. Sure, I don’t read get around to all of your stuff obviously, but when I do find something that sounds my kind of thing and read it I always enjoy it – and when I read something that doesn’t sound like my kind of thing I enjoy that too!

[JayDee]

Miharu Sarutobi Must Resist! reviewed

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Thundercloud

The classic kind of story, but very well executed. Thank you for the good read.

Thank you for your review! It was a nice suprise to come back to a review on an old story. I had fun writing it so I am glad you enjoyed it.

Edited December 30, 2018 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Twinpregnation reviewed! I just realised it has hit 5k hits so folks must still be reading it. I hope we’ll be seeing a lot more of the reviewer InBrightestDay here now they’ve registered! AFF likes writers! Also, they’re working on a really really really good story. But on to the review!

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InBrightestDay

Finally here, so I figured I'd start with the story that isn't connected to anything else I've read!

I already said this over on Literotica, but I really love this one!  One of my favorte types of erotic story is the sibling romance, and while this is brief, it's extremely enjoyable.

One of your gifts as a writer, in my opinion, is your ability to quickly establish characters that I end up rooting for.  We have very little time, in terms of word count, to get to know Caitlyn and Connor, but both of them come across very well from what we can read.  The sex scene is hot too, especially seeing how passionate they get from having wanted each other for so long.  And, of course, the romantic element stays very strong, especially with the flashforward to during and then after the pregnancy.  In a lot of stories this would have just been a fling, so it's nice to see that they stayed a mutually supportive couple through the pregnancy and beyond.

If I have one criticism, and it's not much of one, it's that we don't get to see much of their interactions before they're outed to each other.  It kind of would have been nice to see them hang out together, to see Caitlyn "ironically" ruffle her brother's hair, and to see all the little gestures of physical affection that they're both pretending don't mean anything.  However, as I was saying, it is only a small criticism, since all the information still comes across from Caitlyn describing the things she likes doing with her brother.

Thank you for reviewing this again!

I’m really glad you liked it and that the long term element works. I just like the idea that it isn’t some dirty lust thing but a deep affection that’ll last a lifetime. After all the bad ends I’ve written it is nice to have something positive. As a piece of pornography the big element was writing sex people found hot so I am glad that came across well too. Funnily enough it would have been connected to something else you read, but previous reviewers persuaded me it worked better without the appearances from other characters.

I do see where you’re coming from with the criticism and it feels like doing more of that would have improved it a hell of a lot. I re-wrote it from another of my stories of about half the length and added quite a bit on at the start, but I really feel now I could have done more. It’s definitely something to keep in mind if I did anything similar. I really appreciate the criticism.

Thank you again for this review and welcome to AFF!

Oooh! and to point out for AFF users that of the 100+ stories I have loaded on AFF there’s only 2 or maybe 3 of them that meet Literotica’s terms and conditions (I haven’t tried the third one yet). I’ll surely never have anything else I could load there! I’m not going anywhere unless, of course, the moderators finally decide they’ve had enough and place me under Damnatio memoriae.

[InBrightestDay]

Thanks for the warm welcome!  For the purposes of future reviews, back on fanfiction.net I tended to leave one review per chapter (not duplicates, mind you, just leaving a review of each chapter as I went).  Is that okay here, or would you prefer that for completed fics I just leave one review for the whole thing?

I ask because some of the stuff I plan on reviewing is multiple chapters long.

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I do see where you’re coming from with the criticism and it feels like doing more of that would have improved it a hell of a lot. I re-wrote it from another of my stories of about half the length and added quite a bit on at the start, but I really feel now I could have done more. It’s definitely something to keep in mind if I did anything similar.

I ran into the same thing with my sibling romance story over on Literotica.  The version you reviewed was actually an improved version, as a lot of the stuff about the siblings’ backstory was added while rewriting it.  Even now, I’m still seeing things with that story I want to change.

[JayDee]

I’m sure it’s fine to review either per chapter or a whole completed multiparter – whatever you feel like, most of us writers are just happy to get reviews and appreciate feedback in any format and wouldn’t dream of imposing a preference

Sometimes it feels like you could just keep tinkering with a story and you kind of have to have a cut off point where you stop making major changes but still slide in little extra corrections if other folks notice an issue.

Review for Fucking Halloween Party

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Thundercloud

The word at the top of my mind right now is "wow!"

It must been literally years since I read erotic story that caught my interest like this. Good buildup and very good pacing of the general scenes and the sexscenes. This is the kind of story I would love to write myself and loved reading it.

As for room for improvement I have a bit trouble with the succubus personality. It is consistent over the story, but seems lacking. How is it possible that she still can tap into her demonic powers to such degree while having renounced all what comes with the demonic background?

When I read about a succubus I don't expect good deeds but her her stuggling with to limit how much mischief she inflict on her victims without breaking from her attempted path of redemption. A situation when she still can do stuff, but is struggling with how limited her powers become when she plays nice would open interesting story opportunities. Like, shall she allow herself be degraded in awkward situations since she knows that if she tap into her full seccubus powers she will hurt her victim a lot emotionally would be interesting.

At the end of the day I think Samantha seems more like a powerful wicca than a demon, but considering that I really loved the story I am not suggesting that the story needs a rewrite so my suggestions are more provided as inspiration for more stories like this.

Thank you for this review! I appreciate the feedback and it’s really cool it caught your interest. I’m glad that the stuff that worked, worked, and as for the stuff that didn’t –

I like your suggestions for a character, as you say they would have some interesting story possibilities. It would probably allow for more conflict than the current situation, but I’m probably locked in the current version now! Could definitely be inspiration for future stories! I double checked I hadn’t accidentally called Shannon Samantha anywhere – easy typo!

So far as retaining her demonic powers; it’s all about an extension of her own will rather than being granted by Hell Shannon was once an angel who followed Lucifer (if the lowest possible rank, far below Kizzy in terms of power) and she still retains her will, though perverted into sexual usages by her decision to become a Succubus. That’s how I tend to write her anyway. In her other appearances she’s not actually having sex.

Shannon would be pretty cool with being degraded and playing a slutty submissive tbh – in the story she corrected Steve’s degrading language for his benefit rather than her own, since he didn’t really know what he was doing.

I will get around to reading some more of your stories – the The Master Program was fun and I loved that ending.

Thank you again for your review and inspirational thoughts. The alternate character ideas are definitely interesting.

Edited December 31, 2018 by JayDee

[JayDee]

The Slumber Party of Evil Doom, best known as being the story that got me banned for life from Jersey City.

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InBrightestDay

Chapter 1

I'm very curious as to what the prompt for the story was, since all I could think at first was "a vampire, a werewolf, a sucubus and an angel walk into a bar..."

I was actually getting kind of tense during this first chapter, since each one of the girls seems to be out to enslave everyone else, but then an undead serial killer crashes the party.  The whole thing made me chuckle.

Also, serious props on not making the girl named Lupa be the werewolf.

Thank you for your reviews on each chapter of this story! For the prompts part 1's Slumber wasn't too bad, part 2's Adduced gave me trouble and part 3's Paronomasia made me shudder before just going with silliness. I did manage to do 1000 word flashfic/chapter every week for 52 weeks though, so yay me I guess.

I was definitely trying for an unexpected ending. I mean, buncha monster girls so far, so normal and then BOOM! Angel!

I really feel like doing a story where they do all walk into a bar now. Girls night out after defeating some terrible evil. I think Kizzy would probably be a wine drinker, Kate on the Jack’n’Coke and hammering the juke box, Lupa probably just having a quick nibble on whoever the biggest creep on the bar is, and Shannon taking regular trips to a glory hole and doing her thing.

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InBrightestDay

Chapter 2

And now, a live presentation, as best I can remember, of my reaction while reading this chapter.

I love Kate's reaction, partly because it's funny, but also partly because it's believably animalistic; the immediate fight or flight response is very wolf-like, which is pretty amusing.

I remember when I first wrote it, I initially had her staying but not doing a lot more than growling or cursing and I found with the 1000 word limit that used to be on the prompts I wanted the word count to show other things. Rather than just have her sit quiet I had her jump through the window and thought it worked better! I’m glad you liked that. 

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The Seraph was bound vertically spread-eagled, her fiery sword reduced to cooling air.

On the one hand, that explains the difference between Seraphim and lower angels: a Seraph can't drop his/her sword; it just kind of goes poof when he or she isn't holding it.

On the other hand, I just had kind of an unpleasant flashback.

I figure she probably could drop her sword but the nature of the binding is a little different, since she was effectively bound by her own will, the sword is effectively drained into the binding. Possibly. It’s a while since I wrote it, but Kizzy’s appeared in a couple more recent stories and I think for this version of canon I’m seeing Seraphim as being of an exponentially higher level of power than lowest angels (of the sort Shannon once was), although by taking on the human-like form she’s perhaps more limited. Why did a Seraph get the job? Well, who can guess the intention of the creator…

And, yeah, I think I can guess what the flashback is to. A dark day in Los Angeles.

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"Release me, demon.  I will not cast you back into the pit, but instead grant you the peace of oblivion.

Well, Seraphim aren't supposed to interact with mortals much, so I guess that's why her people skills suck.

That and she’s spent a bunch of her time on Earth just watching Star Trek and thinking Worf is cool. I mean, we’re lucky she didn’t just insult Shannon in Klingon at that point.

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The speaker had seemingly appeared just behind Kizzy.  Dressed in a fine suit of the latest cut, he would have fit in at a Wall Street board meeting.  Shannon knew the demon instinctively.  He was Eparlegna, whose mortal-birthed incarnation on a parallel Earth had caused terrible suffering before his defeat there.

Unpleasant flashbacks intensifying...

While Kizurial silently called for aid from her comrades that would not come, for she was fairly caught.

No, no, no.  I will not go through this again!  You are not making me read this again, JayDee!

Hey come on! I didn’t make anyone read it! I just put it out there and let temptation do the rest.

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"The Seraph is mine now.  Her comrades of the light won't send help for one captured in this way!"

FFFFFFFFFFFF—

She released the bracelets with another command.

Kizurial's sword ignited as she swung towards the shocked Eparlegna.

—FFFUUUU oh, okay.  Um...false alarm.

Heh, see? It’s not always horrible in one of my stories! Sometimes there’s a happy ending. Hell, I’d already done Whore of Heaven so it’s nice to take a different route. Eparlegna got two stories where he mostly succeeded, if defeated offscreen at the end of WoH (and I guess Miharu Sarutobi Must Resist! was an offscreen success, although Janet seems to remember him quite fondly) so it was time for him to his ass kicked back to hell by Kizzy! 

Gotta love the power of friendship! Apparantly it’s magic

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Chapter 3

I am of two minds about this chapter, because for most of it, I was extremely amused.  I love the idea of sections of Hell where terrible puns are actually weaponised (for the record, "window pain" is my favorite, although a getting "his Bach up" was noteworthy as well).

The ending, though, does present some moral problems, at least in my opinion.  Now, on the one hand, turning a rapist into his own victim is brilliant in terms of karmic punishment.  However, the execution runs into two issues.

First and simplest, "His sins were stripped away."  Admittedly you didn't use the F word, but generally speaking, you don't get punished for your sins after they're forgiven (that's kind of the point of forgiveness), but a larger issue is that of punishing an amnesiac.  To me, memory loss has always felt kind of like wiping the slate clean.  Psychologically speaking, our decisions and experiences shape who we are, so removing both of those frees the self to act completely differently, relieved of the conditioning of past experience.  Punishing an amnesiac Eparlegna is almost like punishing a separate individual.

It's even more pronounced in this case, because it wasn't just a memory wipe; everything changed: memories, sex, base personality, everything.  As a result, if we are to assume that what happens to Luzurial in Whore of Heaven is punishment for what Eparlegna is doing to her at that very moment, then it runs into a serious snag because the punishment is being inflicted upon a completely different person.

The other way to interpret this ending, of course, is to say that Luzurial is not considered responsible for Eparlegna's sins, and that torture, rape and 100 trillion years of agonizing pain (at minimum, mind you, as that's assuming somebody's nice enough to crack that statue open on Judgment Day instead of just leaving it there) is a just punishment for her Pride and her Pride alone.

On that concept...I'mma have to say no.  I'm not a religious scholar or anything, but I can't help but feel that there's Pride and then there's Pride.  Luzurial experiences Pride, but I feel that there is a real and powerful difference between Lucifer's "I'm going to lead a rebellion because I'm better than God and I deserve to run this show!" and Luzurial's "I understand my orders, but I can't just sit here and watch them suffer and die; I have to do something."  The former is Pride and nothing but Pride (maybe with an assist from Envy), while in the latter case, Pride greases the wheels, but the root motivation is her compassion for mortals.  In fact, that compassion could be considered a form of Charity, which is one of the three theological virtues (and as a result one of the seven Christian virtues), making Luzurial's motivation a mixture of sin and virtue, making her a more complex character and thus making her more relatable and sympathetic.

Given the more tempered motivation, perhaps she needed to have her ego deflated a bit, but that's not what she got.

Granted, I could be totally wrong about all of this; it's just my opinion.  Please don't take this as a personal attack, as that's not what it's meant to be.

I thank you for your feedback and what is probably the most detailed moral look at something I’ve written, ever. Ultimately this was me having a difficult prompt and deciding to let Eparlegna – who isn’t really my favorite character – suffer through a bunch of humiliations and then coming up with the idea of him being Luzurial so that he really had only hurt himself. In some ways I think the punishment here is closer to that concept of people being reincarnated and suffering in their new life for whatever shit they did in the old one. They have no memories of their past life or anything, but they’ve come back as a rat or a snake or a writer of Naruto cuckold fics or something because in a previous life they were especially evil. I guess the difference there is that if they’re better in the new life they move back up in a further re-incarnation while Luzurial was going to spend eternity suffering (I mean, when I put in a few lines at the end to lead to your sequel, 75 years is still really cruel especially after all the tortures and rapes!) without getting that shot at a new life. I dunno, you might have noticed I don’t always think things through! I totally agree Luzurial didn’t deserve what she got – and neither did Bernice, who could have been the hero of another story, or any of the other poor victims.

So yeah, that ending is not really moral or ethical or even very nice, I agree, and I suppose Lily’s in character thought would be that she can’t do anything to stop what Eparlegna had already done, but she can stop him doing any more and at least make one of the worst evils he ever committed to have been done to an aspect of himself, hence punishing himself sufficiently. She’s got a desk job in Hell (“You probably do have to be mad to work here”) and had a very traumatic experience herself, so probably it isn’t justice and it isn’t fair, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The only way I can think now to have made it fairer would have been that once Luzurial was sealed in the statue to find her pre-Luzurial memories returned, but meh, at the end of the day it’s in indefensible and I tended to assume that not having any sex in it, most folks wouldn’t read it anyway

In a lot of ways part 3 is a joke episode and would be even less canon than the rest so folks wouldn’t need to see them as the same character.

Thank you again for your in depth thoughts on this story! I’m glad you found the jokes amusing. Some of them are wince inducingly bad but, hey, Hell!

 

[InBrightestDay]

7 hours ago, JayDee said:

best known as being the story that got me banned for life from Jersey City. 

Wait, what?

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I really feel like doing a story where they do all walk into a bar now.

Hey, I’d read it.
 

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Why did a Seraph get the job? Well, who can guess the intention of the creator…

Gotta love the power of friendship! Apparantly it’s magic

 

Given the second part and the people skills problem, maybe she was supposed to learn about friendship.  I’m now picturing Kizzy writing a “Dear Creator” letter after every one of these adventures a la “Dear Princess Celestia...”  Of course, with Shannon as a friend, those letters are going to get hilariously NSFW very quickly.

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In some ways I think the punishment here is closer to that concept of people being reincarnated and suffering in their new life for whatever shit they did in the old one. They have no memories of their past life or anything, but they’ve come back as a rat or a snake or a writer of Naruto cuckold fics or something because in a previous life they were especially evil. I guess the difference there is that if they’re better in the new life they move back up in a further re-incarnation while Luzurial was going to spend eternity suffering (I mean, when I put in a few lines at the end to lead to your sequel, 75 years is still really cruel especially after all the tortures and rapes!) without getting that shot at a new life. I dunno, you might have noticed I don’t always think things through! I totally agree Luzurial didn’t deserve what she got – and neither did Bernice, who could have been the hero of another story, or any of the other poor victims.

It does sound more like the idea of punishment via reincarnation (as you said, though, reincarnation traditionally allows the possibility of redemption in your new life).  I suppose I wasn’t looking at it that way partly because of my own religious background, and partly due to the fact that the story elements place it pretty squarely in Judeo-Christian territory.  Still, you’re not the first person to combine elements from those religions with Buddhist or Hindu concepts.

Bernice is probably fine, all told.  She was shot in the head, which is a pretty instantaneous form of death (and she seemed not to have noticed what was happening to her body just beforehand), and given that she died assaulting a demon in an attempt to help an archangel, I don’t think there’s much doubt where she ended up.  Honestly, the most unpleasant thing to happen to her after that was likely spending the next three quarters of a century to 100 trillion years becoming increasingly alarmed at not seeing the angel she was trying to help.

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In a lot of ways part 3 is a joke episode and would be even less canon than the rest so folks wouldn’t need to see them as the same character.

So what you’re saying is that this is a...*dons sunglasses* ...loose canon.

I apologize for nothing.

[JayDee]

5 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

It does sound more like the idea of punishment via reincarnation (as you said, though, reincarnation traditionally allows the possibility of redemption in your new life).  I suppose I wasn’t looking at it that way partly because of my own religious background, and partly due to the fact that the story elements place it pretty squarely in Judeo-Christian territory.  Still, you’re not the first person to combine elements from those religions with Buddhist or Hindu concepts.

I was just throwing comparative religion at the wall and seeing what stuck.  I think it says a lot about my lack of basic common decency that I’m happy to blame what’s clear a hugely problematic moral choice on an in story character’s cruel decision rather than take responsibility myself!

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Given the second part and the people skills problem, maybe she was supposed to learn about friendship.  I’m now picturing Kizzy writing a “Dear Creator” letter after every one of these adventures a la “Dear Princess Celestia...”  Of course, with Shannon as a friend, those letters are going to get hilariously NSFW very quickly. 

Dear Creator,

Shannon did it again. Truly I would complain, but we now have the fastest pizza delivery times in the the world. She refers to the pizza delivery girl as ‘pineapple,’. When I asked why, she said she knew some people believed it was wrong to have her on top but it felt so right. Kate’s puppy obedience class continues well, and she can now sit, roll over, and beg for a heavy metal CD. She has also stopped laying on the rug and intimately cleaning herself with her tongue whenever the door-to-door evangelicals come by. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she’d been in wolf form. I have continued to witness to Lupa in the hopes of convincing her of the truth of your existence and the love for your creation. Unfortunately she  showed me some tracts she found written by a mortal called Jack Chick that were so terribly unchristian I temporarily became an athiest myself until beyond their power.

Until next time, your faithful servant,

Kizurial of the Seraphim

...wow, that’s less good than I hoped. Should have gone with recounting the capture of a summoned tentacle lust beast from the darkest pits of Hell, and how after three days it was so exhausted it just wanted to snuggle and watch Netflix, and so Kizzy had to remind Shannon of the gift of mercy. Although possibly it still came out better than this letter from a long dead and forgotten forum RP thread.

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  So what you’re saying is that this is a...*dons sunglasses* ...loose canon.

I apologize for nothing.

...nice

[Thundercloud]

On 12/31/2018 at 7:06 AM, JayDee said:

I’m sure it’s fine to review either per chapter or a whole completed multiparter – whatever you feel like, most of us writers are just happy to get reviews and appreciate feedback in any format and wouldn’t dream of imposing a preference

Sometimes it feels like you could just keep tinkering with a story and you kind of have to have a cut off point where you stop making major changes but still slide in little extra corrections if other folks notice an issue.

Review for Fucking Halloween Party

Thank you for this review! I appreciate the feedback and it’s really cool it caught your interest. I’m glad that the stuff that worked, worked, and as for the stuff that didn’t –

I like your suggestions for a character, as you say they would have some interesting story possibilities. It would probably allow for more conflict than the current situation, but I’m probably locked in the current version now! Could definitely be inspiration for future stories! I double checked I hadn’t accidentally called Shannon Samantha anywhere – easy typo!

So far as retaining her demonic powers; it’s all about an extension of her own will rather than being granted by Hell Shannon was once an angel who followed Lucifer (if the lowest possible rank, far below Kizzy in terms of power) and she still retains her will, though perverted into sexual usages by her decision to become a Succubus. That’s how I tend to write her anyway. In her other appearances she’s not actually having sex.

Shannon would be pretty cool with being degraded and playing a slutty submissive tbh – in the story she corrected Steve’s degrading language for his benefit rather than her own, since he didn’t really know what he was doing.

I will get around to reading some more of your stories – the The Master Program was fun and I loved that ending.

Thank you again for your review and inspirational thoughts. The alternate character ideas are definitely interesting.

I don’t have any great preference about single chapter review or multipart reviews. Looking back at my own track record I think one review for each batch of chapters that I read is the normal thing I do, but seriously the one taking the trouble to review things should have the final say about this. Getting good reviews is so rare that no author should complain about such.

As for your story I agree with the choice of keeping the story in the current version and use my suggestions for future stories. I look forward for what you will come up with.

[JayDee]

Oh yeah it’s all personal choice. I am sure any of us are grateful for any reviews. I think from the query InBrightestDay was just wondering if there’s any sort of set way people do things here for them! I appreciate negative reviews just as much as it’s always good to get alternate perspectives – even straight up flames that don’t talk about the story I tended to enjoy because at least someone had made the effort although they’re against site rules and had to be deleted 

I’m not writing a whole lot of anything these days, but every time in the past I’ve said I’ve stopped writing I’ve ended up doing something else so never say never!

Thank you loads for your review on the ancient story Mike Rapes A Dyke

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Thundercloud

This story have plenty of reads and many positive reviews, maybe more than expected from my point of view. Considering the quality of the average erotic story out on the net this story is quite good, but I also think that the quality is lower than stories by the same author written in recent years.

One thing that jumped me is that the opening of the story with the car drive is both very short on details for quite many memories recalled and works like too much foreshadowing of the actual main events of the story. Cutting these memories from the beginning and have them as flashbacks or possible tales that Mike uses to scare the dyke would perhaps been an option that would allow them to be described with more details without them making the beginning of the story feel so much like a infodump. This might also make the actual interaction between Mike and the dyke harder to predict during the main event of story. Learning why the bartender might give a twisted advice after he actually does it would suffer less from foreshadowing.

Second thing that disturbed my reading was the ending that I think is suffering from too much telling rather than showing. I would have preferred a open ending with the person woving to revenge what the dyke suffered, rather than the current list of things that happened afterwards. This is of course a matter of preference, but for me the list of things described at the ending ruined the mood.

All in all I thing I would still like to recommend the story for people that find the title intriguing, but you probably need to be seriously into this kind of kink to overlook the things I mentioned in the review.

I think there’s two reasons for why there’s more positive reviews than you’d expect. The first is that the story has been on the site for over a decade and my perception is that users reviewed more readily back then so there would be more chances for reviews both positive and negative (and to increase the hit count!). The other is that some of the positive reviews I get on stories have always been people who enjoyed the concept no matter how unpleasant. (Others were just being nice and thanks to all who did!) It’s my experience that even when a story is objectively terrible as many of mine are, if someone enjoys the kink they’ll praise it more than normal. There’s a Spyro the dragon request story I wrote that I think is irredeemable trash, but a few people who have a Spyro snuff fetish (like the guy I wrote it for) yummed it up! The more negative/neutral reviews on Mike Rapes a Dyke are surely users who don’t enjoy the kink and so see the flaws you raise instead, or others (like he issues with the unclear POV switches – I would definitely try to do that better these days!).

The relentless negativity of the story’s ending was an issue for a few people, but I’ve stuck by it to drive home how shitty the experience was. Even later on in my story Twinpregnation poor cousin Lily is still referenced as being in a bad way. Someone really oughta do something to hurt that Mike guy though, even like decades in the future…

I would suggest that a lot of my stories over the years do actually suffer from the points you’ve raised – As well, since a lot of them were set to fulfil a specific kink request or idea and so lack real storytelling or characterisation to get to the people engaged in the kink whether rape fantasy, snuff fantasy or on one occasion much older woman raping a teenage boy fantasy. They’re a mixed bag of objective crap!

Of my other stories the only one I’d really suggest you might also like would be Ending the Fan, in the games section,  as it features a physically strong axe-wielding female character in occasionally degrading but always enjoyable sexual encounters who does get a magic cock of her own in at least one part (but avoid chapter 6 as it has no sex and just puts forward views on the nature of heroism. It might be some of my personal favourite writing but nobody’s gonna masturbate to it.)

I really appreciate the review and thank you especally for taking the time to have a serious look at this old story.  

 Have a great day!

[InBrightestDay]

8 hours ago, JayDee said:

I think from the query InBrightestDay was just wondering if there’s any sort of set way people do things here for them!

That’s exactly it.  I didn’t want to get in trouble if AFF had a policy of not posting reviews by chapter once the story was completed.

8 hours ago, JayDee said:

Someone really oughta do something to hurt that Mike guy though, even like decades in the future…

Okay, I was drinking something when I read this, so it’s a good thing I’m on my phone at the moment and didn’t get soda on a keyboard while laughing.

[JayDee]

Blood on the Hay is one of those stories that really needs a final part or two, to show how Kate got back in the pack after running out in TSPoED and before being part of the team in You! There’s a lot of prompts I’ve never done stories for so maybe, one day… 

In some ways it probably ought to have been loaded on as further chapters to the previous story, bit late now, really.

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InBrightestDay

Normally I plan to review multichapter stories one chapter at a time, but this was very short, so I figured I'd just do the one.

I enjoyed the slow build.  At first, you can almost buy that Jeb is a normal guy who's just concerned about the girl he found in his barn, but we quickly realize that's not the case.  The fun of that entire first chapter, really, is waiting for the inevitable to happen: how long will it take before Jeb discovers he's the prey and not the predator?  I also like the hypocrisy a lot of people like this have.  "Hey!  I might have kidnapped, raped and possibly murdered people...but I'm not gay!"

The second chapter doesn't have much happening, but it's a nice little bit of world building, quickly establishing the situation the town is in as well as the characters of Mack and Sheriff Hanson.  I also like the implication that the girl have become sort of a super team, given the implication that they worked together to find gather all the evidence the cops discovered at Jeb's house.

This isn't really part of the story, but for a moment when you were talking about the girls, I actually thought Lupa was the one who'd said a very loud grace ("Okay, fine, Kizzy, if it's what you want I'll say the most CHRISTIAN GRACE EVER.").  Of course, then I realized that the vampire is obviously the one covering all her skin, so...whoops!

Thanks for the review! I haven’t had this much feedback in one go in ages. I really appreciate it

Jeb’s one of the times I had nasty serial-attacking character most definitely not get away with it forever. There will have been some people reading it from the codes and the description and the title expecting it to go the other way, what with me being the writer and them not having read the previous story. Still, goes to show that the MCD tag doesn’t always mean horrific body horror. Just, you know, most of the time when I am using it.

The lack of a whole lot happening in the second part is another reason why a further part would be good. And also so Hanson and Deputy McQueen can get laid. Shannon isn’t picky. I think I was actually intending that Kate had decided to do the right thing for the previous victims, and sniff out the evidence of what had happened before leaving. It was kind of based off that thought she had considered, that Kizzy might have intentionally driven her towards Jeb, and that with a bit of self reflection she wasn’t really evil – sure, she’d wanted to make her friends into werewolves, and be the alpha, but that was just natural pack instinct!

I always intended that Lupa had come from a fairly devout Catholic background, and that she’d lost her faith and become an athiest because of things that happened before she became a vampire. If you were a vampire would you want to suddenly find out God was real? Better to assume there’s another few inhuman entitites with scientific explanations who are just a bit deluded right? I think her saying of grace would be sarcastic as hell, especially if she was saying it over someone’s bared neck.

Thank you again! I definitely never expected another review on that one.

[JayDee]

You! is short and has no sex, but until I started flagging for ideas near the end was a hell of a lot of fun to write.

Part 1 review:

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InBrightestDay

Not sure where this fits in the chronology, but I'd heard this was pretty funny, so...Chapter 1

Thank you for your review on this and chapter 2! I really appreciate ‘em. I genuinely think there is some funny stuff in here so I hope you found it amusing too. For the chronology – Part one is after Slumber Party but before Fucking Halloween Party, then Kate arrives in part 3 on the night of the events of FHP, Lupa arrives afterwards. This is a story that has some messing with personal peception of the passage of time and character unreliable memory due to magical trap/influence.

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I do love the setup, namely that you started off using the nature of the second person format as a way of lampshading how jarring it can be to read, and then shifted into the actual story.  That continued to see use throughout, I noticed, for instance, discussing how the reader is likely to sympathize with Sarsa's plight as being, for all intents and pruposes, a sex slave, and would have to be reminded that she was threatening to rape the main character.

I did have a lot of fun playing around with second person and how a lot of folks don’t care for it outside of maybe CYOA fans. My personal view is that any format can be good if written well. Well, mostly. The intended sequel starting straight at the end of You! would be called I! and would be in first person with a chapter per character starting from Lupa’s POV and then the other three , plus another character and one from Sarsa at the end.

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This is incredibly random, but I also noticed that Sarsa is the first demon I've seen you describe as having cloven hooves.  Not really important to the story or anything, but I couldn't help but notice.

Sarsa loves cliched stereotypes, her writing is full of ‘em! So she was always gonna go for hooves, she probably makes the effort to show them instead of feet the same as how Shannon can grow a penis as a demonic control over appearance thing. I had some stories under my old pen name with a hooved demon, but got through all the good jokes back then so haven’t really returned to it.

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Finally, we need to talk about this:

“Sarsa,” you say, making her wince, “I’m not going to read your stories. I hate Tarzan. It’s a load of trash about how a big white guy does alright in the Jungle, written by a man who never even went to one.”

As someone who grew up reading Edgar Rice Burroughs (never Tarzan, interestingly enough, but the Pellucidar and Barsoom series), DON'T YOU PUT THOSE WORDS IN MY MOUTH, STORY!

Burroughs might have gone to Mars or inside the Earth but he sure never went to the Jungle, and since you haven’t read the Tarzan series you’ve missed elements like Burroughs apparantly deciding the only suitable term for any African is the n-word. And this wasn’t writing in the antebellum south – even by the late 30s when the Tarzan books were still coming out. He made Tintin in the Congo look like Martin Luther King’s ‘I have a dream,’ speech. Also, to be fair to the in universe character, when it’s revealed who ‘you’ are in story, it could be argued ‘you’ have a little more reason not being keen on the Great White Savior in Africa character type… so that maybe the statement about Tarzan was a real feeling from ‘your’ mind rather than some of the fake memories. Bit spoilery, that. Ahh well. I am sorry if I offended your tastes, it was really very much a throwaway line and when I wrote part 1 I hadn’t even realised who ‘you’ were so having more of a reason implied in part 5 is no defence.

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And so you show Sarsa the demoness how to be an author on AFF and she gets many hits.

Still no fucking reviews though.

Maybe I can help!

Yay! A review! Thank you for this, seriously I appreciate it. I think there’s some fun stuff in You!

Part 2 review

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InBrightestDay

Chapter 2

"Asras?" you query, "That's just Sa-"

Okay, so I know this is about bad fanfiction writers and self-insert characters, but considering that the official language of Hell in your stories seems to be Hsilgne, there's something humorously meta about it.

Yup, that was the intention! Bit of self-mockery for the backward demon names thing as well as for joking about the self-insert stuff. I think it worked!

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"CODgaminGOD666! And he says... 'Your story sucks you stupid bitch you should just fucking kill yourself and then when you're dead come back as a zombie and kill yourself again also die in a fire. Narnia is fucking lame and-"

Oh, God, Sarsa, I feel you.  Seriously, her first piece of feedback is a flame.  While her fanfiction sounds like what most thirteen year old girls would write, those are never really warranted.

I’m sure most 13 year old girls can do a better job than Sarsa, but, yes, getting a flame for your first piece of feedback would suck. Getting them later though used to just make me smile! I tended to quote them in the old AFF forum flames thread. 

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" I will do something so gruesome their kin will weep for generations. They will suffer untold agonies!”

On the other hand, there is such a thing as overreacting.

Nice one!

Although, she is a demon! Pride and that – overreacting to minor slights could probably in the job description.

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Also, COD, GOD and 666?  Did she just get flamed by Dreneparssa?  Crap, maybe I should have read Miharu Sarutobi first (I read halfway through the first chapter, but didn't know if it was in continuity with this so I stopped).

On the other hand, if that is Drew, he doesn't show any evidence of it, and for a bonus, it looks like Sarsa made a friend...and potentially got a date

The Miharu story is only in continuity as Drew is a spawn of Eparlegna. Neither big E or any of the other characters show up, beyond Drew’s mom Janet’s reminiscence about Eparlegna, so it’s not worth your time to finish on that score – I don’t think it has any themes you’d like! Like, not even one. This isn’t Drew here– as it happens by the end of his story Miharu is hogging the computer time anyway for gaming so he doesn’t get as much chance to read and review, and he’d probable also be able to sense the demonic influence Sarsa puts into her stories and steer clear as well.

Given what Sarsa did to Astrid from Fucking Halloween Party just for a mocking email I think it is safe to say that once this flaming COD player’s usefulness to her is at an end it will emerge she hadn’t actually forgiven or forgotten and he might not enjoy a date as much as he thinks. Something I might reference in I! if I ever manage to write it. Yeah, Sarsa’s got some sympathetic elements but she isn’t a very nice entity. Nope.

Thanks again for your chapter reviews! I am sorry if I offended you with the line about Tarzan.

Edited January 6, 2019 by JayDee

[InBrightestDay]

6 hours ago, JayDee said:

Burroughs might have gone to Mars or inside the Earth but he sure never went to the Jungle, and since you haven’t read the Tarzan series you’ve missed elements like Burroughs apparantly deciding the only suitable term for any African is the n-word. And this wasn’t writing in the antebellum south – even by the late 30s when the Tarzan books were still coming out. He made Tintin in the Congo look like Martin Luther King’s ‘I have a dream,’ speech. Also, to be fair to the in universe character, when it’s revealed who ‘you’ are in story, it could be argued ‘you’ have a little more reason not being keen on the Great White Savior in Africa character type… so that maybe the statement about Tarzan was a real feeling from ‘your’ mind rather than some of the fake memories. Bit spoilery, that. Ahh well. I am sorry if I offended your tastes, it was really very much a throwaway line and when I wrote part 1 I hadn’t even realised who ‘you’ were so having more of a reason implied in part 5 is no defence.

Oh, don’t take that as me getting genuinely upset.  I mean, Burroughs was born in 1875 and Tarzan of the Apes, the first book, was published in 1912 (though the two dozen sequels continued being published into the 1940s), so of course it gets racist from time to time.  I always just saw that as a thing I was going to run into reading really old books, but I completely get why it’s a deal breaker for a ton of other people.  I just made that little outburst as a joke about the second person format.

On an amusing tangent, while Burroughs could be very backwards in his books, he occasionally ended up rather forward-thinking as well.  In the novel Pellucidar (the second book in said series, oddly enough), the main character and his love interest are backed up against a sheer cliff face, and he thinks he’s going to have to coach the delicate woman into climbing down...and then turns around to find her already having climbed halfway to the bottom.  The main character, and thus Burroughs, then takes a moment to speculate that perhaps the reason women of the 1915 surface world aren’t like that is not an inherent limitation of being female, but is instead because of cultural conditioning.

It’s not like the whole book is like that or anything, but that was an idea weirdly ahead of its time.

6 hours ago, JayDee said:

I don’t think it has any themes you’d like! Like, not even one.

Too late!  I finished it last night.  You’ll get a review at some point, but for the moment, just know that it made me laugh quite a few times.

[JayDee]

I’ve written more than a few stories myself that needed a racism tag and that was in the 21^st century (just about any of mine with the recurring characters of T-Dog and Pops especially), so sticking that jab at Burroughs in was probably also another example of JD Hypocrisy… except I guess in my stories, they were just done for people who got off on the interracial rape theme rather than a colonial’s view of Africans. I dunno, I’m happy you’re not actually annoyed by it though!

That bit in the Pellucidar series certainly sounds a bit more modern than when a character commented on a supposedly African woman as “the n-word wench” in a Tarzan book anyway. There’s some great books from the period though for sure.

34 minutes ago, InBrightestDay said:

Too late!  I finished it last night.  You’ll get a review at some point, but for the moment, just know that it made me laugh quite a few times.

Crap! I’d hoped I’d saved you the time! I really didn’t think there’d be anything in there you’d be entertained by, but at least it wasn’t a harrowing experience. I’m glad it made ya laugh!