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Reading them is a weird experience for me. For Christians, Chick is like our racist uncle or something, so generally they’re deeply embarrassing to read, but sometimes they’re so bad they’re hilarious, and Dark Dungeons is definitely one of those. That image actually came to mind; the McCallisters’ basement kind of did feel like a hellmouth. Almost certainly, but that’s the Catch 22 of that story. If Luzurial had done that, she wouldn’t be the likable character that she is, which is actually what I was getting at with the “I can’t imagine why...” comment. Under essentially the same circumstances (oral rape), Luzurial was crying at that point, and her thought process could probably be summed up as “please make it stop,” while Miharu’s is more like “this shouldn’t be possible, but it tastes even worse than the food of the white savages!” One of those draws immediate sympathy, while the other...doesn’t. Couple that with the generally lighter tone and Drew’s inherent loser status and there you go. I mean, if you ever want someone else to take a look at the story (just for perspective), I’d be happy to do so. I’ve really appreciated your feedback with my story, after all.

There’s a few writers on here who are definitely far cross that line seperating them from the cheap nasty pornographers like me. They’re putting out seriously talented writing. I was going to start naming names but then I’d miss someone out and it’d be awkward. Also as at least three or four of them are site staff it would look like I was asskissing. But the point is, your current work reminds me of that level. Thank you also for your reviews on the two parts of Miharu Sarutobi Must Resist! – I really appreciate them, and I am not just saying that. Thanks for letting me know about the times it made you laugh – really went for a jokey tone in a few places so I’m glad it came across well! Yeah, sorry about that, me not being entirely clear. Ol’ Eparlegna’s just there in the flashbacks. Maybe I ought to go for a more pompous setting name like “The Books of Kizurial.” Otherwise I’m just gonna steal slumber-verse from you :p You know, when I saw the Bigotry tag and a Japanese protagonist, I kind of figured that would mean bigotry against said protagonist. Guess it runs both ways. Equal opportunity bigotry! It’s still un-PC but everyone gets a fair share. Dreneparssa backward is...the first time this story made me laugh. Thank you! I think Dreneparssa was the last backwards demon name I came up with. Guy’s a total dork! I see mine was not the only D&D group for whom Dark Dungeons was a rite of passage. I’ve seen a whole bunch of chick tracts over the years, and I realise this isn’t entirely the point, but some of them are hilarious. I don’t know that I got all of the intended value from them to be honest. Weirdly enough there’s a Chick Tracts section on AFF, with a Dark Dungeons fanfic. There's why I thought this was the guy from the second chapter of You! Makes sense! They’re both just mean spirited offensive stereotypes of COD players. I’d forgotten I’d used the COD GOD wording twice tho’ The fact that I’ve written stories around Valve point’n’shoot games like Team Fortress 2, Half Life 2 and Left 4 Dead but portray dickish COD players twice over may suggest a certain amount of anti-COD bigotry. Probably correctly. Heh, maybe Miharu got a saving throw or something. I'd previously assumed that "spike" thing was literal, you know, to cause maximum pain and tear holes in the uterus, but "rounded spike" just sounds like an ordinary penis. The crown’s more like the way a glass coke bottle narrows towards the end, but with rounding at the tip like you see on the top of some metal fences. Drew’s a bit less hardcore than his Daddy. Second time the story made me laugh. There's something inherently funny about using hellfire to power your house. I mean, is that considered green energy? There's zero carbon footprint, but the screams of the damned probably count as noise pollution... It still makes less noise than that one the family had in Home Alone! You got to get some benefits out of being a demon. Like how Shannon has literally never had to buy a drink for herself in any bar or club. Third and fourth times the story made me laugh, first because of the delivery and then because how did that happen? Was Eparlegna just having an off day? Was he morbidly curious about what consensual sex felt like? I think he was just impressed by her enthusiasm and willingness to be taken hard over and over. She might even have been the one who summoned him in the first place to unleash him on others and played to his pride enough that he left her basically what she was when he first met her – mentally screwy but physically ok. Perhaps Luzurial would have got an easier ride after all if she’d submitted immediately. He might have just recently eaten a group of ravers off their heads on MDMA or something. The less likely but possibly funnier possibility is that another considerably less intimidating demon was engaging in a bit of ID theft/demon catfishing and pretending to be Eparlegna. Such things likely wouldn’t go down well with the old bastard, but nobody said demons were all smart in this setting. Case in point of less than top intellectual brilliance: Drew. Ah, there's the bigotry. as casually racist as most evil creatures and many FPS gamers. Truth, unfortunately. When you’re playing a game and half the rest of the team have swastika symbols in non WW2 games and shout racist abuse every time they get killed… yup that’s FPS online play. I expect all the jokes, and the fact that Drew is considerably less threatening and actually pretty pathetic probably account for it – As you said further up the review – A bit less than Eparlegna’s wish to see the entire world in his dominion with an angel bound in a statue and suffering for all eternity for opposing him. I can't imagine why... Drew’s demon junk actually tastes better than Wendys chicken nuggets. The guy’s a moron! Plus, he has anger control issues, and when he couldn’t get her off he kept attacking her with force which then made it worse. So an asshole as well as a moron. Well, that or all the guides he read had been written for “how to please an extreme masochist” topics. Miharu Sarutobi is Ian Fleming's James Bond, complete with her own brand of the cultural chauvinism. Miharu: And don’t you forget it, baka!. Now get me a Asahi while I play the new Final Fantasy! Fifth time the story made me laugh, because of course the washer and dryer are in the hellmouth. It’s okay except on a full moon and then the washing comes out dirtier than it went in. Laugh number six... And Janet just carries on regardless Huh. Apparently he did just want to know what consensual sex felt like. Also, he has tentacles now, I'm guessing because this story has a Japanese protagonist. If Shannon can manifest a cock for a story where there’s a gay guy who likes bottoming, Eparlegna can manifest some tentacles for background flavor in a story with a Japanese character! Although thinking about it, I’m sure I was intending that they were a variant on the old stone tentacles used for restraint in Whore of Heaven, only being used much more actively - maybe formed from the flesh of other victims or just something else. He’d still be the one directing them after all, and presumably he can choose to get sensory feedback even if they aren’t attached to him. Well, that, or it really is another demon pretending to be him. Could explain why Drew is such a loser. At the point Drew’s thinking anal is kind of gay even his demon half is basically face palming. I am 90% sure that the whole “Miharu hating and despising anal, and then coming from it and ending up having a lot” was one of the basic elements requested by Devil_PS for the story. After about six months he is totally her bitch, and Janet’s probably hacked off because she’s got another damn teen living in her basement, she never got to unleash Drew on Mrs Jenkins, and none of the demons are answering her booty call summonings anymore. Thank you once again! I’m glad you didn’t end up suffering through something too terrible expecting more slumber-verse shenanigans at least. A few good laughs probably makes it much more worthwhile. There’s one 1000 word prompt story I haven’t posted with Lupa under a silence spell and Shannon, (Mentioned in this post!) where I decided that I didn’t like Lupa’s characterisation as being happy at killing. I much prefer her as snarky or outright bitchy and happy to bruise flesh and break bones, but not happy killing people at all (as opposed to, say, Kate, who’ll kill and chew on anyone who deserves it like good ol’ Jeb). I might one day post it as a “non canon” or “imaginary story!” to steal from DC silver age, or maybe even try and re-write it to feature Kate instead of Lupa. Reason I am mentioning it is just to throw out there if you’d like me to send it to you to read, with it being slumber-verse related? If not, no worries!

I actually just had to write that because I didn’t want to spoil anything, so I couldn’t really say who Luzurial was or anything like that, and similarly to Part One, I ended up making the summary Kevin’s PoV. It absolutely makes sense, and I’ll try to give more of a sense of threat to the end of it there. Oooooh that is such a compliment that I am seriously tempted to take it. I’m trying not to get a swelled head, though, given that Luzurial would no doubt have some words for me about Pride. The spellcheck here has some odd standards concerning contractions. Didn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, etc. all come up as misspelled, and yet you’re, they’re, it’s and don’t do not register that way.

I think that’s pretty good. It’s got some good emphasis on what is the meat of the story, the recovery of Luzurial and her relationship with Kevin. It feels – and this is just my reaction at reading it – that maybe the end could be punched up in some way, to have a greater sense of foreboding or threat if that makes sense. I’m sure it’d be fine as it is though. I mean, it’s Shannon. She wasn’t always a succubus but she sure was always Shannon (Edit: Although she had a different name!). No doubt such thoughts were contributing factors in her fall, particularly if someone else already on Lucifer’s side in the early days of plotting noticed an unguarded admiring glance, a flush of skin or a lip bite, or even came across her top secret carefully hidden “Things I’d like to do with Luzurial” ‘diary’. “I’ll have slippery nipples, a mouthful of angel’s tit, a slow comfortable screw against the wall, sex on the beach, slam a red-headed slut and a white russian, and then I’ll go out and have some cocktails.” Bob: “Guys guys! Imagine if you could fuck your flashlight!” Jake (who already has one handle first up his ass): “That’s so unrealistic, Bob.” They’re completely different things really. Mine was a PWP rapefic that was as long as it needed to be to fit in the cruelty and terrible cop jokes; basically mine was just porn. Yours is much more like a proper novel with some erotic elements and so the increased detail, the character interactions and disucssions, and background descriptions, the alternate events happening away from Luzurial, all add immeasurably to the experience. Yours is literature. I feel I probably should spellcheck forum posts, but I always just never bother. I’m lazy, me.

Yeah, I’ve actually been working on that. I keep alternating between the brief “what is this?” summary (Kevin’s never liked that creepy statue in the park...) and what I call the “paperback” summary, that is, something like what you’d see on the back of a novel. Kevin’s never liked that creepy statue in the park. It’s sad, it’s disturbing and, as he finds out one day, it’s not a statue at all. The woman he finds inside is enigmatic, beautiful...and hurt in ways far beyond the physical. Taking her home, Kevin attempts to help her heal, but she’s not the only thing to come back from the past. That’s my best attempt so far, anyway. Was Shannon having some thoughts about her commanding officer? Kate: At this point I’m worried she’s going to end up drunk-dialing Astrid. Lupa: Can succubi get drunk? Shannon: I’m gonna find out! Well, that is where the Fleshlight people got the name from. I appreciate the compliment, but don’t go overboard here. I lack your talent for economical storytelling, for one thing (thus far, in terms of word count, The Woman in the Statue is five times the length of Whore of Heaven, and I’m not done yet. Granted, I could also blame that on the action scenes, but some of it is definitely down to me getting somewhat more verbose. Oh, don’t worry about that. As it happens, I made the reverse typo (“Had I just discovered you’re work now...”); I just managed to fix it quickly.