InBrightestDay
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Posts posted by InBrightestDay
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Oooh maybe I do need to read all the other stories in this series to read this one. Well…let’s see how fast I can do that. 😅
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Alright, now that I have a moment, let me talk a bit here!
On 10/31/2023 at 4:52 AM, InvidiaRed said:I think what is most fascinating is… that’s who’ve I’ve started reading.
Well then I think you nailed it. 😁 There’s something I can’t quite describe about the stories, something you can feel about the world of the Hyborian Age, and I got that same feeling from your story.
QuoteShe was trying to deescalate right up until he had the audacity to speak the name of her child that she told no one. That was the exact heartbeat, he had to go.
And he actually led with that one! I don’t think he started shit-talking her husbands until after mentioning that he strangled her baby in the womb. That does make me wonder about his goal there. It felt like he was deliberately antagonizing Berta, but I can’t see what that was supposed to accomplish...aside from being the world’s most epic suicide, I suppose.
5 hours ago, GeorgeGlass said:Yeah, it’s meant to be medieval fantasy. And I had a little fun with the world building.
Sorry 😅, I was bad at wording it there. I meant I spent a while trying to work out if it took place in actual Medieval Europe, rather than a fictional equivalent.
QuoteIt took me a while to figure out what the creatures beyond the portal would actually be, such that I was well into writing the story by the time I made up my mind. So those details were added in later.
Aha, so it was a bit of surprise to the author as well as the reader! Writing is kind of an interesting process like that, both creation and discovery, in a way.
QuoteHe is a bit neglectful, in the sense that he has been prioritizing his responsibilities so much that Merri isn’t getting a very big share of his attention or energy.
I had in my mind, but didn’t really put on the page, that in this world spouses are held to a slightly higher standard in terms of marital attention because marriages are time-limited.
Apologies for that bit. I actually went back and forth about whether to even put it in the review, as I didn’t want it to sound like I didn’t enjoy the story. Maybe he just didn’t seem that bad compared to other spouses I’ve read in stories like this; I don’t know. I don’t think you did anything wrong as a writer, I promise.
QuoteLooking forward to your end-of-year story.
Thank you! I’ll do my best!
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I’ll try and start writing soon! I want this to be on time. 🙂
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It is unfortunately way too late at night for me to post another review or respond to Invidia, but I will get to it tomorrow.
In the meantime, please enjoy this dramatic reenactment of @GeorgeGlass’s story.
- GeorgeGlass and InvidiaRed
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Dang it… I’m in the middle of something else, and the only thing I have enough of that I could write it quickly isn’t original. I’ll be here for the holiday anthology, though. Meaningful Gifts has waited long enough!
- GeorgeGlass and InvidiaRed
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Wow. I didn’t even realize this had happened. I guess in a way it’s kind of a good thing I haven’t had anything to publish.😅
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Like Thundercloud, I may be late. Work at the lab is kind of strained at the moment (sometimes a lot of people call out and those of us who are there end up stretched rather thin). As a result, I haven’t gotten much writing done. I have the 31st off, so I’m going to try and spend most of the day writing, but don’t be surprised if this ends up being one or two days late.
I am also struggling a bit with what to include. Don’t want to use all of the kinks, since that’ll make all my sex scenes rather similar. Makes the end result a bit tricky. I try and work around that generally by focusing on the emotional context of a scene like this, which is generally somewhat different from story to story, given what leads up to the sex scene. I do worry, admittedly, that the sex scene in a future story might end up looking familiar, but hopefully the stories as a whole will be distinct enough for audiences.
- GeorgeGlass and InvidiaRed
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On 10/25/2021 at 3:59 PM, JayDee said:
For the Honour of The Slytherin
Well… this is an odd comment. I’m certainly going to Hell if such a place exists, and I am disgusting, but I’ve no interest in children and have never written minor1 stories, or any minor2 stories with characters under 16 –and as I’ve got older I’ve tended away from writing stories with even 16-17 year old characters, although this one was written back when I was a lot closer in age to the characters. I can only assume that this comment came from someone who masturbated so furiously over a story featuring actual children that, having blown a prostate-punishing load into their own eyes, they accidentally clicked the wrong story to comment on during the waves of post-orgasmic guilt.
It might also be, to be very generous about this, that the reviewer began with the books or films when the characters were like 11 and has a difficult time allowing them all to grow up in his mind. I know I actually struggled with that a bit when I was watching the films.
Granted, that was a rather immature response. I had hopes we were kind of past that as a society when it came to internet reviews.
...I say things now that I never really said before. Odd sentences are becoming commonplace.
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14 hours ago, GeorgeGlass said:
A recent post from @InBrightestDay suggests that he’s getting them, too. Anything to be done besides deleting them?
I’ve gotten three: two on WitS and one on The Least I Can Do over in Books. I’ve deleted them, and thankfully had the same thought as Bronx when it came to the links. I don’t really want to turn off anonymous reviews, as I’ve gotten several genuine reviews from fans who simply don’t have an account, so I’ll just keep deleting them as they pop up.
- JayDee, BronxWench and GeorgeGlass
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Ok, so I looked back to see where I’d last responded to @Sinfulwolf’s reviews, and it turns out I’d somehow neglected to do so since her review of Chapter 9. So I have several reviews to respond to, not just one. First, Chapter 10.
QuoteA bit late, I know, and I apologize.
I have included this sentence of the review purely for the sake of irony.
QuoteBut, damn you do the action scenes well in here. Nice and clear where folks are and what's happening, with some good omph for the impacts of blows, shots, and stabs of weaponry.
Thank you! I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this elsewhere in this thread, but I got my start writing Gundam fanfiction, and writing the action scenes has always been fun. I should probably write another space battle one of these days. Not to spoil anything I’ve started reading recently, but you write some pretty intense action scenes yourself, so that’s a serious compliment.
QuoteI think the only thing I really feel to critique here is... something I've also praised. Your action scenes are very clear, but there are some moments that seem to drag out juuuust a bit. There was a line about Luzurial's training right as she was snapping an arm out, and it made the moment seem not as snappy as it could have been. This wasn't a common thing, so overall the action was still quite good.
I definitely see what you’re getting at. It is a tricky sort of balancing act, and I’m not sure I’ll ever entirely master the “detail versus flow” thing, but I will try!
QuoteThe conversation between Eparlenga and Kevin was well done. A demon toying with the emotions of a young man who just thought he was doing what he had to. And also a good lampshade on tropes we often see with female action heroes. I'm glad you took my comments and ran with them to make the tale better, cause it fits very well here.
Thanks again! Your comments did make me really think about why I was writing this the way I was, and made me realize that while it’s somehow socially acceptable for a male protagonist to have a love interest who’s a noncombatant, it doesn’t seem to be done the other way around. I guess we’ve gotten to the point where a large segment of the population will accept women as action heroes, but at the same time there are boundaries on masculinity we’re reluctant to push. The Non-Action Guy, as TV Tropes puts it, is often played for comedy rather than just accepted as viable.
QuoteYou are also very, very creative when it comes to your traps. There's some really neat things in here that just aren't commonly seen in fiction, and more certainly seem like something that just isn't physically possible, driving home the otherworldliness of Hell and the Rupture all over again. Perhaps as much as the ID constructs.
You are handling the emotion and thoughts of the special team well, and honestly... I quite liked that bit with Michael at the end. It doesn't even seem too OoC for Luzurial to do such a thing to such a despicable man.
The traps are another example of me trying to follow stuff @JayDee set up in WoH, expanding on a quick line and working to figure out what “the traps of Hell” might be like. While I like the matter prism from Chapters 11 and 12 is cool in a very “high magic” sort of way, there is something about the aesthetic of the fractal impalement trap that I think works on a visceral level; I may have mentioned The Evil Within as an inspiration before, but that trap is something I can sort of imagine being in the first game, crawling through a maze while spikes grow toward you with metal rasping noise.
And once again I am really glad at how popular Luzurial’s “Fine, I’ll let you talk to my boss” moment is. Because, as I said when I read (some of) MRaD, fuck that guy.
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I got two more reviews for WitS, though, which I can respond to before work.
QuoteAnon
NiBeHh iekodivsqfuj,
Well, Cthulhu fhtagn.
QuoteAnon
uKpJbk ndbvfeppdwmq,
Note that these aren’t the entirety of the reviews, but the rest are links to...somewhere (I didn’t follow them). As this is rather obviously spam, I’m deleting these.
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On 10/3/2021 at 10:31 PM, Sinfulwolf said:
awww. No replies for me. Pouty face.
Wait, I...*looks*…
…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
So I thought I’d replied to that, BUT IT WOULD SEEM I NEVER DID! Expect one later tonight after I get back from work!
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On 10/2/2021 at 5:28 PM, Desiderius Price said:
The debate is whether to take the time to do that, or keep tormenting Harry in my fanfic
*nods* Such are the choices that vex the hearts of men...
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6 hours ago, Desiderius Price said:
this is the first work in the verse, despite it being listed where it is; it had started as a kludge, where I started to add in flashbacks, tales of some of the side-characters. Once I had realized that I was getting confused, I realized the readers had to be lost. Thus, I split it apart, spinning off the Alaska Trekkers and Dolbourne Chronicles as separate
And wouldn’t you know it, one story became your own little shared universe! Lots of effort, I realize, but hey, the result is kind of cool.
QuoteAnyways, trying to remember what I was thinking five years ago…
Sorry about that! I realize it can be kind of a hassle.
QuoteSuffice it to say, the world wars the US lost, pushed for some level of theological change, making Westboro seem closer to “normal”.
That’d be a hell of a thing, though there is some precedent historically. Christian modernism (or liberal Christianity, whichever term you prefer) was the predominant form of the religion in the US up until the world wars happened. It’s debated exactly what the cause was (it may have been the world wars or even the Cold War; why change your traditions if the world is about to end in nuclear fire?), but post WWII saw the rise of evangelicalism, a term I’m using here in its political science definition (Christians who tend toward biblical literalism/fundamentalism and social conservatism), as the larger branch of Protestant Christianity in the country.
I’m not sure what would cause a shift so drastic that the WBC would look normal, but it’s possible. I just really hope that doesn’t happen (fingers fucking crossed).
QuoteThough, I do admit getting the denominations mixed up (I was raised Lutheran).
Hey, we have something in common. We’ve obviously landed in rather different places, and talking with you more, I really do hope nothing I’ve said has brought up any bad memories.
QuoteAnyways, thanks for the debate, always makes my day
I wasn’t really aiming for a debate, but I am glad this is a positive experience for you!
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Ok, so I’ve finished Chapter 2, and am sort of figuring out how to write the review for it, but it occurs to me that there’s a question concerning Chapter 1 I actually forgot to ask.
I’m not going to ask about how the theocracy works in general, since you explained a decent amount of it in the post above, and the question of how we got here may come up later (or, frankly, might not actually be important), but I will ask about this: the theocracy is referred to as Christian, and it is, in broad strokes, but throughout the first chapter you seemed to be dropping hints that these people aren’t a denomination of Christianity as it is practiced today. During the baptism scene, for instance, the reverend says to Joe that it’s been x amount of time since his brother “was given angel wings”, and says that said brother is watching over them. While you do sometimes hear this from laypeople, it would be somewhat odd to hear it from an actual minister. In Judaism, Christianity and Islam, angels are a very different form of life, and humans do not become angels when they die. Later, during the shared birthday, you had one of the boys given a “Saint James Bible”. So far as I can tell, no such translation exists, which suggests that the theocracy has its own version of the scriptures, likely edited for its politcal purposes. I thought this was actually really clever, but it did catch my eye that the gang is attending what’s referred to as a Baptist church. The theocracy has practices that don’t align with Baptists (a toddler is being baptized in that one scene, and the Baptist denomination doesn’t practice infant baptism, instead waiting until the child is around seven or eight years old), so what’s going on there? It’s possible that Southern Baptists were allowed to continue worship as they do (though a lot of Christian denominations would end up opposed to this theocracy, and would likely have been driven underground), or that this church used to belong to the Southern Baptist Conference but now belongs to whatever denomination the theocracy is. I was just curious about how it worked out.
Examples of the “driven underground” thing above:
SpoilerAccording to Pew Research studies, most mainline Protestants (United Methodist Church, Presbyterian Church, Episcopal Church, Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, etc.) believe in evolution (80% or more), as do a majority of Catholics (around 75%), and even some evangelicals, not to be confused with the ELCA (around 25% of white evangelicals, which comes out to around 20 million people), and people like this would object to Creationism being forced into the classrooms and evolution being banned. In addition, the theocracy is violently homophobic, which is going to go over well with some very loud Christians—the Westboro Baptist Church, Independent Fundamental Baptists in general, etc.—but will run up against opposition from the ELCA (which ordains gay and lesbian pastors) as well as any affirming (short for “Open and Affirming”) church, which are not tied to a specific denomination but rather identify themselves for LGBTQ people who want a safe, welcoming place to worship. Also, of course, I’d imagine anyone who preaches against things like...well...the state-sanctioned murder of atheists is going to end up on the wrong side of the theocracy.
I don’t find it weird that we haven’t heard of these people, by the way. With the exception of the cutaway to the President, we see the story pretty much entirely through Jaimie’s eyes, so unless he knows about something, then we don’t. And of course the government wouldn’t admit to the existence of religious opposition. As they’ve framed the world, this is a battle between the godly and the godless, after all; there can’t be disagreement among the faithful!
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Sorry if that came across as harsh. The cut-offs really were the only thing I would call a criticism, and that is a delicate balancing act, figuring out when and where to employ it. Like I said, there were times it worked exactly as intended and made the dialogue feel more real.
As you no doubt noticed from there being no review today, I won’t be able to do one of these daily. I have several other things I’m reading and writing. Amusingly, one of the stories taking shape in my head (I have the plot, but haven’t worked out the main character’s arc yet) is almost like Fiends’ mirror image. Anyway, I will try and steadily work my way through Chapter 2 soonish.
You mention that this is an early work and maybe a little rough compared to your later stuff, but while I don’t have anything later to compare it to, I think it’s a hell of a good start!
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Alright! The last review from @GeorgeGlass
QuoteComments on chapters 9-12, and some general ones, too (SPOILERS):
I love how you combine the use of magic with scifi elements, like the matter prism, and aliens in Hell.
I won’t go into this too deeply, as a future story may have a scene addressing the topic again, but this is definitely an overriding philosophy on display here: science and philosophy (religion included) are two ways of looking at the world, and if both religion and science are equally valid, as is the case in this story, then at the points where the two touch, they should overlap without conflicting. I personally like the effect when you combine the two. This comes up in Chapter 3 with Luzurial’s happiest memory being 13.6 billion years ago, fusion igniting inside the first star, when Luzurial explains that lower-ranking angels look like the mortals of whatever planet they’re assigned to and so on. It’s something I really enjoyed doing with the story.
QuoteLuzurial wresting her sword back from Eparlegna was deeply gratifying.
I had so much fun with that. Credit must also be given to @JayDee, because way back in the day, I was actually just going to have Luzurial get a new sword when she regained her wings. However, during conversation with JayDee, they mentioned that the sword is actually a part of Luzurial, like a shard of her soul, so at that point she had to get it back, and the idea of using the flaming whip like that was way too good to pass up!
QuoteOne thing I wondered: If holy water is so devastating to demons, why aren't more people using it as a weapon?
I thought about that, and I admit this has to do with the mental image that resulted. Holy water is water that’s been blessed by a priest, and when I considered it being standard use against beings like this, I had the image of a bunch of priests on like an assembly line, blessing holy water in huge quantities...and I started chuckling at the image. So yeah, holy water is made in relatively small quantities, but it’s for a very personal reason.
QuoteI had mixed feelings about the author notes. I liked all the behind-the-scenes stuff, like when you talked about the Van Dijk character being taken from JayDee's story "Mike Rapes a Dyke." But I didn't like the explanations of things that really should have been explained in the story itself, like when you wrote that "What happens to Kevin gives Luzurial a final push to ask for her wings back, but she's been earning them back this whole time." That would have been much better presented in the denouement than in an author's note.
So...I am very sorry about that. I wish there were some manner of explanation I could give you, but the simple fact was that I didn’t think of it. I can’t begin to explain why I never thought to have her say it in the denouement. Doesn’t make me look particularly intelligent, does it? Again, I’m sorry.
QuoteSpeaking of the author's notes, your final one expresses a lot of doubt about the ending, but I found the ending quite satisfying, mainly for 2 reasons. First, I had really been hoping to see what punishment Lucifer might have in store for Eparlegna upon his return to Hell, and you showed me that in as much detail as I could have hoped for. Second, Luzurial being able to spend one day a year with Kevin was the perfect compromise between the heartbreak of their never seeing each other again and the cheesiness of some miracle that enables them to be together for all eternity.
Thank you again! The Hell scene wasn’t something I’d planned from the beginning but evolved out of the storytelling. It all started with that bit in Chapter 4 where I was sort of summing Eparlegna’s character up through dialogue, and then later with his dialogue with Kevin in Chapter 6 he kept insulting Lucifer and I started to have thoughts...
QuoteSo, well done, and thanks for a great read!
Thank you for the reviews, and I’m really happy you enjoyed it.
- JayDee and GeorgeGlass
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Ok, so I was away from home for a while, but we have some more reviews for WitS from @GeorgeGlass!
QuoteMy random thoughts on chapters 7-9 (SPOILERS):
I was a little surprised that Luzurial, having followed the rule about celibacy for literally billions of years, was so quick to abandon it when Kevin suggested that it might not have been interpreted properly. In fact, I wondered for a bit if the whole thing was some kind of cruel illusion being perpetrated by Eparlegna (especially when I got to Luzurial’s flashback).
This is definitely an area where the compressed timeframe of the story affected how fast it moved. This whole thing takes place over about a week, and I had a hard time believing Eparlegna would wait too long to make his move. Given that, I definitely ended up having Luzurial come to her decision faster than if the story had taken place over, say, a month. I was definitely aware of what you’re talking about, which was why I stretched the timeline out by one more day, so that Luzurial had around an entire day to think about what she was going to do, rather than, say, a few hours.
QuoteI loved the scene of the agents escaping the expanding rupture. The comparison with Vesuvius and the pyroclastic cloud made it especially vivid.
Thank you! That kind of came from JayDee. In Whore of Heaven, the barrier is described as looking vaguely like smoke, so I figured there might be a sense of that as it expanded, and with the agents driving away from it I was kind of reminded of the pyroclastic flow scene from Dante’s Peak.
QuoteI'm guessing that the paralyzing slug in chapter 8 represented sloth, and that the giant tick mentioned in chapter 9 was gluttony.
Correct. I didn’t think I’d be able to create a Sloth monster that was actually threatening, but figured out I could make it work if it sapped the energy from people around it. The Gluttony creature you only hear about, from the elevator shaft, actually has a little bit of extra story behind it. I remember talking in the review thread for one of @InvidiaRed’s stories about insect mouthparts and the proboscis, and posting by way of example a wheelbug up close to show it. Invidia was like “Well THAT’s terrifying.” I couldn’t resist having a creature design with a similar organ and have someone else take Invidia’s “Well SCREW that!” attitude toward it.
QuoteThat fractal spike trap was incredibly original and a perfect sadistic element for the purposes of this story.
Thank you again! I was rather fond of that one.
QuoteI only just now realized that "Eparlegna" is "angel rape" spelled backwards. That's what I get for having my phone read me stories instead of using my eyeballs.
*shakes fist at the sky* JAAAAAYDEEEEEE!
- JayDee and GeorgeGlass
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Another review from @GeorgeGlass, this time for WitS chapters 4-6!
QuoteThe fight scene in chapter 4 is really well described. There are a lot of details that help bring it to life, like the sounds the SUV makes as it's being thrown, caught, and thrown again. (if an angel destroys your car, will your insurance company call it an act of God?)
The Charnel Spider in chapter 5 is appropriately horrific and well named. I never would have guessed that it represented envy, though.
The interaction between Luzuriel and Aparlegna in chapter 6 really captures the spirit of the original story, but everything else that happens in the chapter adds so much to it.
One does wonder about the insurance claim there… Kind of reminds me of that bit from Big Trouble in Little China where Jack Burton is trying to figure out what to do concerning the loss of his truck due to supernatural forces. “...And I don’t want to hear ‘Act of God’.”
The Charnel Spider does seem to be something of a fan favorite. Because none of this would have happened without JayDee giving me permission to write it, they got an advance copy of every chapter before posting, and I remember being really excited to show them the Charnel Spider, due to the...well, I guess it really being kind of fucked up horror imagery.
I wasn’t really sure how to portray an Envy-based monster. The problem there was that the obvious solution, shapeshifting to be what it wants to be, was something that, if I recall correctly, Fullmetal Alchemist had already done with the homunculus Envy. The idea of, instead of copying what you want, taking it from someone else, was sufficiently creepy to me (“I wish I had skin like that...so I’ll just take yours.”) that I went with that.
I’m glad the confrontation was reminiscent of WoH, as this was probably the part of the story where I was most dedicated to evoking some of the feel of JayDee’s first story.
Thanks again for the review!
- JayDee, InvidiaRed and GeorgeGlass
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Ok, so, I’m working on a few different things, and I just now happened to go to my gmail account and oh crap @GeorgeGlass left a WitS review two days ago and I didn’t notice it!
Well, let’s rectify that.
QuoteI'm three chapters in, and I'm very much enjoying this. I LOLed at "I'm going to castrate him with a fucking spork," and I loved some of the descriptions, like "Her mind whited out in the most intense orgasm she'd ever had." The tentacle-rape scene as a whole is great: not just because you made the tentacle thing really erotic, but because of all the revelations and character moments that happen in that same scene. I particularly liked the bit where Barbara spits Hobbes' cum back in his face, and how much it upsets him. That was a nice little bit of payback before Barbara meets her inevitable end. Looking forward to reading on!
Thank you! The “castrate him with a spork” thing made me chuckle a bit as well. I mentioned this in the AN, but the tentacle scene was the first one I’d ever actually written, so I was definitely nervous. The positive reception it’s gotten has been very encouraging.
Finally, I’m glad you enjoyed the little bit of payback Hobbes gets. I knew what I was going to do to Barbara, and I just kind of wanted to give her...I don’t know, something, some little moment where she gets back at him at least a little.
Glad you’re enjoying the story so far, and I hope it continues to be fun for you!
- GeorgeGlass and JayDee
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In case anyone else is feeling left out, I did also leave reviews for @JayDee and @InvidiaRed’s stories. It just took me longer to get JayDee’s done, because I fell asleep.
- JayDee and InvidiaRed
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If you’re waiting on me, you should probably go ahead.
I spent a while thinking about this, trying to write Meaningful Gifts, and eventually came to a decision...and by eventually I mean earlier today.
Meaningful Gifts began as a story called Cold Comfort (which itself was based on a heart-crushingly sad story on Literotica that I wanted to do a happier version of). Then, while I was coming up with the idea of MG, Halloween happened, and I had an idea for a story that was very similar to MG, but took place at and after a Halloween party, this one called For One Night Only. I had assumed I would never write Cold Comfort, and would only use the ideas for Meaningful Gifts, but the more time I spent trying and failing to keep MG distinct from For One Night Only, the more I began to think it might be better to merge the elements I liked from one of those into the other.
End result: Meaningful Gifts is not going up. Instead, the elements of the relationship I really like will, I think, be absorbed into For One Night Only, which will go up on Halloween. In addition, there is a good possibility that I will eventually end up writing Cold Comfort after all, though I don’t plan that to be a Holiday Party release.
I’m really sorry for anyone I’ve disappointed here.
I know my promise to write MG was part of what caused this party to happen.
- JayDee and GeorgeGlass
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Just a quick update here. A lot is happening around my house, including trying to write something else as kind of a surprise for someone, and just feeling like I’m being crushed by work, so in spite of the fact that it takes place on Christmas, Meaningful Gifts is probably going to be up on or around New Year’s instead.
I’m really sorry about this, but then again I feel like the same thing happened with Moonlit Snow, so evidently this is just a thing that happens with my holiday stories.
- JayDee and InvidiaRed
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Winter Holiday 2023
in Writers' Corner
Posted
That’s probably what’s going to happen with my story too. I’ve made some progress, but in addition to having a long way to go, the story takes place on Christmas Eve anyway, so it’ll either go up then or on Christmas Day.
Super happy to see you joining in! These holiday anthologies are always better the more people are in on them, so the more the merrier. 🙂