2020 Halloween Party Review Responses!

[GeorgeGlass]

Where authors can post responses to any reviews of their 2020 Halloween Party stories.

[GeorgeGlass]

From InBrightestDay on October 27, 2020

 

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Unleash

Well, guess I can feel better about the brother/sister story I'll be writing for the Holiday anthology!

You can always count on me to make you feel better about your own perversions.

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This was quick but very effective, and did a neat little thing by prompting and then answering a question.  Given the Inc tag and the way Sam and Freddie immediately just grabbed each other when they took the drug while Jenny appeared to just zone out, I started worrying that they'd have discovered a new romantic relationship, but would still have been stuck with their abusive father.

The suspense was unintentional, but I’ll take it.

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And then we got to Jenny's part of the tale, and that was just the right combination of cool and dark for a Halloween story.  I really liked how that was set up too, the little details like how Jenny was abused (with her father damaging her eye), having the alarm clock taken apart, her holding up the bat and then giving it to her father,

Basically, while her siblings were having wild gorilla sex, Jenny was planning the perfect crime. 

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and the greatest awesome/creepy line in the story:

Jenny came a half-step closer, standing over him. A drop of blood dripped from the screwdriver and landed on his cheek, splashing outward.

***

“It’s like they say, Dad,” she replied flatly. “An eye for an eye.”

I mean...that kind of speaks for itself, doesn't it?

As soon as I thought of that line, I knew I had to use it.

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If there's one criticism I have here, it's that the story's short length means we have to rely on some things just happening without much in the way of foreshadowing, referring in this case to the hidden attraction between Sam and Freddie, which we only learn about as it's...uh...unleashed.

I tried to foreshadow it a little with the way that they look at each other, and the way Sam touches Freddie’s arm, but I may have undersold it.

I wish that I’d had a little more time to think about and then work on this one. I was actually going to save this one for next Halloween, but when my original story for this year fizzled out, I figured I’d better switch to this.

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Overall, though, this was a fun little piece that did an impressive shift in what I expected it to be, making me think it was just going to be smut before adding some more macabre elements.

Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for reviewing!

Edited October 28, 2020 by GeorgeGlass

[JayDee]

From InvidiaRed on October 29, 2020
 

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Jaydee

you are quite talented when it comes to gore <3 Its a marvelous story.

Here's to hoping we see more of Tommy and Sarah (In flagrante delicto) Your world building is amazing too.

Thank you! Glad you liked it. I do have a little history with gore. Rory's Gory Story having it more for the ryme than anything!

Tommy’s gonna need some therapy, but failing that a hug and a fuck might help. Dunno if I’ll get back to them, or if I should have called Sarah Gina and pissed off the Bon Jovi fans… but thank you again!

[GeorgeGlass]

From JayDee on October 29, 2020

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Unleash by GeorgeGlass

(Spoilery review warning!)

I really enjoyed this! Two strands woven together here to make a great little story. There’s enough background there to show how things used to be, how they are, and how things’ve got desperate enough for them to try these new drugs.

 

Thanks! I tried to cram in as much info into as few words as possible. 

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Sam and Freddie going at it like that is hot as fuck. There felt like some echoes of your pair from ‘Kiss and Make Up’ with their previously suppressed lust just bursting out, but they’re distinctive enough characters to have their own thing going on. This whole bareback incest thing is super hot fantasy stuff anyways,

It's certainly a favorite topic of mine.

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Then, young Jenny, sitting there. The stark obliviousness of it has a bit of a creepy edge. Can’t tell which way the drug is going to affect her at all, and even when her Daddy came in I couldn’t really tell what was going to happen – Halloween stories can have brutally unhappy endings – but when it turned out she’d just sat there and planned everything as best she could and carried it out – getting him to take the bat for prints, having the clock ready and the rest – 

I'm so glad the ambiguity of the situation generated the suspense I was aiming for.

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it was really well executed. As was the Dad.

LOL!

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Other quick thoughts: Don’t often see maenads mentioned in this kind of context! With her father’s alcoholism it’s an extra fun usage.

Huh, I didn't think about that particular connection. I was just thinking "mad with lust and super-strong."

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Really loved the line about her feeling Freddy’s desire inside her too.

Thanks!

[JayDee]

17 hours ago, GeorgeGlass said:

From JayDee on October 29, 2020

It's certainly a favorite topic of mine.

No fucking complaints here! Or complaints about the fucking!

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Huh, I didn't think about that particular connection. I was just thinking "mad with lust and super-strong."

I’ve been re-reading a shit-ton of my old classics books lately, mostly on account of my unread reading pile running out. It probably wouldn’t have made me think of it otherwise! Ya know Hesiod assigned Cerberus 50 heads? Now there was a dude who gave no fucks.

 

[GeorgeGlass]

Really enjoyed your story, @JayDee. But I want to read it again before I review it. 

[JayDee]

Thank you! Heck, that’s a good solid review on its own, I’m glad you enjoyed it!

Edited October 31, 2020 by JayDee

[JayDee]

---

• 
  From InBrightestDay on October 31, 2020 @InBrightestDay

 

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Shades and a Snake's Heart

Bro, bro, bro, BRO!

...Bro.

Sweet story, bro.  Gotta say you did such a good job expanding the story from Rest Stop I actually kind of forgot where it was goin'!

And you better believe this running gag is going all the way through the review, bro!

Thanks for the review! Yeah, it’s gone from under 1000 words to just over 5k,  and I threw away most of the wording from the original too – No Lupa here, no rest stop even! I tried having Kate still reading a book but it didn’t feel right with her in wolf-mentality. I think the only line I kept pretty much was the spank bank one.

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The frat boy bro thing would probably annoy the hell out of me in real life, bro, but in here it's pretty damn funny!  I kind of suspected that the line of people goin' into the room was for Shannon, but you threw me off for a bit with Ronnie, so nice misdirect there, bro!  The frat boys outside playing rock paper scissors to determine what they're all doing with Shannon was pretty amusing too.

“Shotgun asshole!”

“Bro, you can’t just shotgun asshole. This girl isn’t just some sweet ride. Well, ok, she is but...”

“Fine, fine, rock paper sissors.”

Incidently, Ronnie’s surname Slettering is a genuine surname of Dutch origin, and I am sure the familes who have it would happily confirm it has no relation to the Dutch term Sletterig, which means something somewhat cruder.

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And of course, needing to build up a bunch of power, and the first thing that comes to her mind is an orgy?  Classic Shannon, bro!

Shannon's also really sweet here, willing to offer some fun to Tommy, but when it's clear that he's with someone, she's got no problem lettin' him go.  Also nice to see that even when other people are offering, Tommy's not about to cheat on his girl on the eve of their anniversary.  Shows what kind of guy he is.

 Might actually be some true love there!

“You have no power here, demon!”

Shannon, muffled by Ronnie’s crotch: “oh well.”

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Then the next day arrives and Kate is all kinds of badass in that scene!  I love how she's wearing the big trench coat in preparation for when she goes wolf.  Probably ruin a lot of perfectly good clothes if she doesn't prepare.  Bro, that intense wolf focus, though...totally badass.

She totally ruined her outfit back in the second part of her very first story when Kizzy scared the shit of her. It must get tiresome borrowing Lupa’s too-short gear so if she is actually going out to mess something up then either going pre-wolf or easy-to-remove clothing made sense. I figure since Shannon and them are working at getting her balanced again the ‘staying human more’ thing is part of that.

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I love that you turned it from a simple quick attack to a little battle there.  Also, bro, gotta say, given that he'd just thrown some homophobia and transphobia around there as justification for attempted murder, Bradley gettin' his dick bitten off by Kate's first lunge made me grin a little.

Like I said, though, it's an actual fight, with a demonically enhanced frat boy fighting a werewolf!  Pretty sweet, bro!

Yeah, but come on! What the people really want to see is werewolf vs spider

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Also did we just get an implied reappearance of the demon from A Gamer Girl with Bite, bro?  You mentioned he and Shannon used to be friends, she's a succubus and in that story you mentioned the demon was an incubus, and of course Laroc is a snake demon (hence the title).

Also there's the fact that, I mean, Laroc might be "coral" backwards, bro.  Once again, you're showin' your talents for doing the backwards English stuff way better than I can, since if that's what you were doing, it came out to an actual name (looks like Laroc is a French surname, bro, though the more common version seems to be La Rocque).

Working title of this story was “Can you smell what Laroc is cooking?” but I changed it because he doesn’t actually appear so it makes the pun on The Rock too forced. Yep, you mentioned I think that his coloring was similar to a coral Snake’s (more inspiration from you! and un-credited! D’oh, just realised) and I realised that reversing coral was actually one of the less silly sounding backward names so went with it. Better than Ekans anyway. With it all being Tommy’s POV I couldn’t cover what happened inside the bar, or call back to Lupa fighting him before, but it doesn’t really matter for the storytelling. I hope.

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Also love how out of all of it Tommy really is.

“So… you’re a demon?”

She nodded, blinked, and showed him black eyes, then blinked them away.

“Jesus,” he muttered.

“I liked him.”

“…What?”

Definitely made me laugh, bro!

Thanks again! Yeah, that meeting would be one for the ages…

“Lucifer, I know you said ‘He didn’t go for the ruling all the countries of the Earth, so get up there and shove your tits in his face,’  but he didn’t go for that either. I even washed his feet with my hair! He’s a real sweetie though. Didn’t get cross at all.”

“...didn’t you manage to corrupt any of them?”

“Thomas didn’t even believe I was a prostitute, and Judas did, but since I didn’t want to be blatant I put him off by saying he’d have to find 30 pieces of silver to hang with me so he probably figured he had no chance. I am close to him though. They’ll probably be claiming we were secretly married in 2000 years.”

...ok that’s enough blasphemy for today.

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All in all, sweet Halloween story and a great expansion on Rest Stop.  Thanks for sharin' bro!

Thank you again for the review! I am really glad you enjoyed it and I incredibly appreciate you taking the time for the detailed thoughts.

 

Edited November 1, 2020 by JayDee

[Thundercloud]

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From InvidiaRed on October 31, 2020

The Teen Slasher

by Thundercloud

Enjoyable, There is something delightful in the ******************. To throw expectations on their heads. Haha.

In short. Refreshing. <3

Thank you for the review (where I cut out the spoility part of the review, would be a shame to give final twist away for other people that happen to read this). I am glad that you enjoyed it considering how I struggled to get it done on time.

I checked your chapter, but was a bit tired so I need to read it once more before the review.

[GeorgeGlass]

From Thundercloud on November 01, 2020
 

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Review of Unleash by George Glass

This is very good Halloween Party story that manage to develop the characters renmarkably quick and establish why they will do things they will do.

Thanks! I tried hard not to waste any words at the beginning. 

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At the start of the story I imagined we would end with Jenny in double penetration between...wait Sam is girl. Did not see that one coming...until the hot sex started.

I do refer to Sam as “her” a few times during the intro, but I don’t really describe her physically until the sex scene starts, so I can see how you might have been unclear about Sam’s gender.

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The actual horror part of the story was excellently executed and I was not sure how it would end until it was over.

Thanks! I was really aiming for that.

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My only complaint would be that this part of the story is missing an edge of erotic content. You could perhaps have tweaked this scene even further by making it more unclear at the start of the scene if this was going to be sex gone bad or a pure horrror scene.

Like Jenny seducing the dad? Given how he’d abused her and her lasting injury from it, I don’t think I could have made that believable. I would have had to make his abuse of her sexual rather than physical, and I didn’t want to take this particular story in that direction (especially since Jenny is the one under-18 character).

Thanks for the review!

[JayDee]

From GeorgeGlass on November 01, 2020 @GeorgeGlass

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SPOILERS ahead!

It's fun to see a story start off totally grounded in real life and then just explode into supernatural chaos, at which point you think back and see the subtle hints from earlier on. (Hence my desire to read this story twice.)

Thank you for the review and detailed thoughts! I hope the pacing was about right and it’s cool to hear it rewarded a second read.

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--In the dialogue between Tommy and Bradley at the beginning, I had a little trouble keeping track of who was speaking. 

Sorry about this. I had a lot more “said Bradley” “Said Tommy” originally, and then cut it back probably too far. I guess as it is I could argue they both sound really similar as dudebro types but it’s never good to unintentionally cause clarity issues for a reader.

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--I LOLed at “There were probably pygmy tribes somewhere who had polaroids.” I suppose Western society owes the pygmies some porn in return for all those nude pictures of them in National Geographic.

“C’mon, man, I live here. The women don’t wear bras. I see tits all day.”

“Yeah, but look at this fireheaded ghost-looking girl’s pierced’ns.”

“...Nice.”

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--"I swear I saw a guy fucking a pumpkin on my way in here." Night on Earth reference?

If it is, then it isn’t intentional! I’m not sure what version of Night on Earth had a pumpkin get fucked. I just think of the nature doc. Of course, it’s possible I did encounter this and forgot

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--It made me smile when Ronnie gave the townie her number.

Townie over there’s got a multi-volume little black book Ronnie, too, she’s only going out the room to give Tommy some space with Shannon, otherwise they’d probably have to peel her off with a crowbar.

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--I really like the way Tommy has an instinctual reaction to the woman in the trench coat, knowing in his gut that she's a threat. That is a great concept that I will probably steal at some point.

Thanks! Go nuts! Like somewhere in his hindbrain a little voice is going “Two legs good, four legs bad, ok, but this one has two even though it feels like four somehow, oh grandma what big teeth you have...”

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--I lolled again at "The kind of gun RoboCop used to shoot rapists in the dick." 

I think we only ever saw him shoot one rapist in the dick, but I like to think there was a lot more of it off camera!

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--There were a few phrases I didn't understand ("Her leather trench coat creaked heavily," “he could have killed you with the gun or even evenhanded”),

Ack! For the second one it should be “or even barehanded”, because Tommy’s enhanced strength makes him fairly lethal even without all the muscles, but it won’t let me edit chapters now. I should have waited a week and re-read it before posting Thanks for pointing it out.

For the ‘creaked heavily’ this is a phrase I’ve seen quite a few times (cliche alert!) to refer to the creak of wood or newer/stiffer types of leather to indicate it’s a deeper/base creak as opposed to the higher pitch creak of metal eg with an un-oiled hinge. At least, that’s how I’ve taken it to be used – it is entirely possible I’ve had a misunderstanding in which case I should probably have used ‘creaked loudly’. Another reason for her sitting so quiet and still, stopping it creaking out of noise-avoiding habit  

Thanks for pointing  both of these out! General rule of thumb is if a sentence I’ve written doesn’t make sense it’s going to be an unintended rather than intended nonsense.

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but there were some others that were great (“Blood gushed like goopy wine from the tear,” "Teeth snapping together, clicking like the dice of Death rolling snake eyes"). And I really liked the last sentence.

Thanks! I was trying to fit a snake eyes roll in somewhere with the general snakiness, and that was pretty much my last shot at it. Glad it came off as a phrasing – I guess I didn’t crap out on that one!

Thanks again to you, and the other folks, for the reviews. Always appreciated!

[Thundercloud]

4 hours ago, GeorgeGlass said:

From Thundercloud on November 01, 2020
I do refer to Sam as “her” a few times during the intro, but I don’t really describe her physically until the sex scene starts, so I can see how you might have been unclear about Sam’s gender.

I actually did realize the gender before the actual sex, but there was a clear “wait...is it a girl moment” when I read it. Sam is a tricky name...one reason why my mind started down the wrong path might be something simple as it made sense for two brothers on the bed since you highlighted that Jenny was sitting opposite from them.

4 hours ago, GeorgeGlass said:

Like Jenny seducing the dad? Given how he’d abused her and her lasting injury from it, I don’t think I could have made that believable. I would have had to make his abuse of her sexual rather than physical, and I didn’t want to take this particular story in that direction (especially since Jenny is the one under-18 character).

I can most certainly see your argument and it is a good one. My thought is that it did not have to progress into an actual sex scene for there to erotic possibility. I suppose the thing I reacted on was that you had Freddie and Sam go down the lust path while Jenny was acting kind of emotionless. Nothing wrong with this of course, but it kind of gave the game away that she would go for murder. Having Jenny acting more passionate about that she was planning something for when father got home could perhaps worked to make it less clear where it was heading to give more surprise for (some) readers.

[Thundercloud]

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

If it is, then it isn’t intentional! I’m not sure what version of Night on Earth had a pumpkin get fucked. I just think of the nature doc. Of course, it’s possible I did encounter this and forgot

I read it as a very funny joke about the libido of juniors.

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

For the ‘creaked heavily’ this is a phrase I’ve seen quite a few times (cliche alert!) to refer to the creak of wood or newer/stiffer types of leather to indicate it’s a deeper/base creak as opposed to the higher pitch creak of metal eg with an un-oiled hinge. At least, that’s how I’ve taken it to be used – it is entirely possible I’ve had a misunderstanding in which case I should probably have used ‘creaked loudly’. Another reason for her sitting so quiet and still, stopping it creaking out of noise-avoiding habit

Speaking from experience there need to be certain thickness on leather for it really to make sounds. When I wear my leather armor it is quite easy to make it creak by breathing deeply. A modern leather trench coat is often more plastic than any leather and those will not make any sounds,, but if you have an older one that has not been oiled for some time I can imagine it giving sounds that make it sound that it is on the way to break...creaking heavily sounds fitting provided we are speaking about leather that need to be oiled.

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

 

[GeorgeGlass]

The Italian cabbie in Night on Earth picks up a passenger who ends up describing his rather bizarre sexual history, which includes having once fucked a pumpkin.

[Thundercloud]

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From JayDee

The Teen Slasher by Thundercloud

SPOILERY REVIEW. WARNING. DON’T READ BEFORE STORY AS ENDING MIGHT BE SPOILED. AND MIGHT NOT.

It’s pretty well foreshadowed, for a start. Ya certainly drop some good clues in there. I was wondering how much violence there’d be since you’ve gotten fairly gory before in another story, but I’d say the detail on the violence – both the past descriptions and also actually shown – was just about right. There’s something minimalist bleak about that one line of the teen slasher getting into the hospital with an axe for the previous victim who nearly escaped. Heh, got a really horror movie vibe there – end of first movie, survives! Opening of second movie, BAM! Or chop!

One ofthe story gremlings I spoke about earlier that was making progress hard were more scenes from previous murders at the sorority house. I originally added the violence tag due to these...but eventually decided that they did not progress the story much and they was kind of hard to write without foreshadowing too much.

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That lesbian scene from the phone was hot. I really liked the detail about her fishnet rubbing up against the other girl, and then how he can’t actually tell just how much she’s fingering her. Wasn’t entirely sure why there was a cut on the footage, but I guess because the killer would have been revealed coming back for the camera?

Yep, hard to fetch the camera without being seen on tape

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Also amusing the way he got caught just rubbing through his pants there.

You are welcome, I enjoyed writing that.

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Picking Bound as a movie to try and reduce horniness! Never gonna work, but, well, probably intended not to. I thought the whole section where he’s awkwardly shuffling and being horny while trying to be outwardly professional was pretty funny – especially with how quickly he drops it at the chance for a fuck.

It was obviously chosen for the reverse reason in reality. My reason for using that particular movie is that I really liked it and thought that prompt for people to watch it might be useful. It was also a great way to mark the age difference between the characters.

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Then, the sex scene with the two of them – another hot one! I liked how he started thinking about not using protection but can’t help himself. Ups the horniness level somewhat!

Good to hear.

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Didn’t quite understand why the shower had been running -was it just to lure him out/cause him to react as he did?

To be honest I decided that the readers guess is as good as mine. I considered writing in the detail that the phone was left in the kitchen and had been moved by somebody, but then decided that James reaction on this would just slow down the urgency of the scene. In the end it is not like James objection about the water pitcher in the living room is very convincing evidence. I can imagine plenty of reason why Jane would like fresh water from the tap and watch the phone.

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So, not an entirely shock ending given some of the foregoing, but it was still a pretty hot final scene. Don’t often see that kind of thing from that perspective from slasher stuff!

Good story, thanks for sharing it with us!

I am glad you like it. I have carried this idea for like 15 years, but never got around to write it since the story twist felt kind weak on its own for a stand alone story. Good to have the story finally out of my system.

[Thundercloud]

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From InBrightestDay
The Teen Slasher

Well, Halloween is the season for preternatural horror, but also for slashers, and it's cool to see a fic on that here!

On a rather funny note, I enjoyed the description of James's apartment as being filled with empty pizza boxes.  It's indicative of the fact that he lives alone and his job is demanding enough that he doesn't have time to cook, but it's also just funny to read about him trying to compact all the boxes to throw them away, and then just giving up on it because there's too many and he just does not have the time.

Yep, that detail was meant to be rather funny. I also think that the stress about the state of apartment give a plausible reason why James might not be at the top of the game so to say when they return at his home.

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I also love how you played with, but also paid homage to, the tropes of the slasher genre, specifically by setting things up with the attack we hear about (there was in fact an '86 slasher film called Sorority House Massacre, though I've never seen it), and establishing the Teen Slasher's victimology (teen girls, as you'd expect).  That idea of the Slasher's previous victim making it to the hospital and then the killer coming in with an axe and finishing her off also feels like something out of a slasher movie (and does make me wonder about hospital security if no one at the reception desk batted an eye at the freaking axe the person was carrying when they came in).  Of course, as I said, you play with the tropes to an extent, most obviously with the story's twist.

It is part of slasher-movie rules of engagement that the killer is super efficient in every encounter with a super natural sense of opportunity for getting away with murder...at least until he tries to murder the lead character and cannot land even a single blow.

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Now, I'm not going to discuss the twist, as I'd ruin it for future readers, but I will say that you do a good job foreshadowing it, to the point that I caught on a little earlier than I think most people will.  Even so, once you figure it out, then you have that suspense of trying to figure out when it's going to be revealed.  The feeling kind of reminds me of that Hitchcock quote about the nature of suspense.

*smiles* Trying to write something thrilling and getting a Hitchcock reference back feels good.

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I will also state that the twist makes one particular phrase into some rather clever wordplay, though I can't explain that without giving away the twist itself.

Feel free to send me a PM about it.

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A well done mixture of erotic content and slasher horror, and posted on Halloween itself!  Thank you for sharing!

Good that you enjoyed the read.

[JayDee]

20 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I read it as a very funny joke about the libido of juniors.

 

Some dudes’ll stick their dick in anything.

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Speaking from experience there need to be certain thickness on leather for it really to make sounds. When I wear my leather armor it is quite easy to make it creak by breathing deeply. A modern leather trench coat is often more plastic than any leather and those will not make any sounds,, but if you have an older one that has not been oiled for some time I can imagine it giving sounds that make it sound that it is on the way to break...creaking heavily sounds fitting provided we are speaking about leather that need to be oiled.

This coat creaks, I dunno what to tell you. Maybe it’s less plasticked on account of being home-tanned and stitched from skins of game she ate, or got some weird magic woven in it from her kit-making Succubus friend, maybe it’s thick and not oiled enough! I don’t have a whole lot of experience with leather trenchcoats, but one I have heard creaked enough the dirty fucker would use it to cover fart noises.

19 hours ago, GeorgeGlass said:

The Italian cabbie in Night on Earth picks up a passenger who ends up describing his rather bizarre sexual history, which includes having once fucked a pumpkin.

Oh! The old early 90s thing, right? I don’t think that I saw that, but I’m sure I’ve seen at least clips because I’m sure I remember the Winona Ryder bit. So maybe it did get a forgotten influence from there, but I think I just thought something Halloweeny. If I ever do a Halloween story set in 2020 it can be a 12 foot home depot skeleton boning.

I was thinking you were talking about this recent documentary which I’d seen advertised but sure I hadn’t watched, and assumed a trail cam must have caught someone fucking a pumpkin or something. 

7 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

One ofthe story gremlings I spoke about earlier that was making progress hard were more scenes from previous murders at the sorority house. I originally added the violence tag due to these...but eventually decided that they did not progress the story much and they was kind of hard to write without foreshadowing too much.

Can always hold onto the scenes you’ve written and re-tool them for something else! Violence: The re-usable resource!

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I am glad you like it. I have carried this idea for like 15 years, but never got around to write it since the story twist felt kind weak on its own for a stand alone story. Good to have the story finally out of my system.

Hey, you coulda done it for Halloween party like 5 years ago when there were tons of entries! :p I kid, I kid. It’s cool you finally got the chance to write it.

Edited November 2, 2020 by JayDee

[JayDee]

From Thundercloud on November 01, 2020 @Thundercloud

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After all the complaining about not having the muses to write anymore we suddenly get JayDee posting this story...first reaction is that it must be a prank with JayDee secretly working on this for ages as he claims to not have it in him anymore. Second reaction is that if we just get one or two stories from JayDee each year is should be stories like this...

Thanks for the review and detailed thoughts! I’d settle for one or two a year like this too In a sense I have been working on this for ages – the original flashfic version (Which started with Bradley and a drunken, lecherous, asshole, version of Tommy supposedly arriving at a reststop to buy drugs but really so Bradley could murder Tommy for his demon master) must be five or six years old, but I didn’t like how it came out. InBrightestDay suggested it would work better with Kate than Lupa and I’d say that’s absolutely right, so with the basic plot worked out over ages of thought it was a simpler thing to smash it out for Halloween. Although, due to leaving the final draft so late some errors slipped through. Like that evenhanded one. And

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I don't believe there is any secret prank and JayDee must have spent a ton of energy on this working before the Halloween Parry. There are a few rough spots that could use some editting...like Tommy looking away from Ronnie and instead looking at backside of Tommy...that error made me laugh a lot. The image of how Reuban looked there is good.

Hahahaha, aw fuck. Yeah, the line “ He looked over Tommy instead;” should abolutely be “He looked over Reuban instead;“ I mean, he’s not gonna check out his own ass. Definitely a downside of the system here we cannot edit added chapters on the multi-story things. Ain’t fair to keep bugging George to do it. I’ve edited the original rtf anyway Glad you liked Reuban. He’s a good looking guy!

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At the end of the day there are very few errors and this story is very good story telling no matter how you cut it.

Thank you!

My one regret is leaving it so late I didn’t have a week or so to wait and re-read before posting.

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Spoliry part of the review
I love the build up the day before Halloween when Bradley is going all Terminator and being weird. The way you are building a set of scenes that give us the important characters and making the reader understand what kind of person Tommy is. Having him as reluctant watcher on Shannon having sex with Ronnie and Reuban was very smart. The backward hug and kiss was very erotic.

Ronnie’s gone all bambi’s-first-steps legs on Reuban there, so it made sense to have him holding her up. Glad it all worked for ya!

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The actual encounter on Halloween is well done and Kate waiting for them there and stripping before combat was very cool. I really like how you manage to transmit to reader how she project danger and the threat of violence.

Thanks again!

“There’s something strange about this girl…” *Sees the unshaven arms and legs* “Dear god! A Hippie!”

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The actual combat follows is gory, but very well executed. Makes think about using my own character Fang in some new story...anyway I lauged at the ending when Shannon charmed the police officiers and they took their contact details. Something tells me they will not be contacting her about the case.

Can never have enough gory werewolf stories! They might not contact her about the case – no doubt they’ll find a reason to contact her about other things if they’re less professional :p

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My opinion is that this is a very good story you have written that would very well stand on its own as a stand alone story. Keep the good work!

Thank you! It is very kind of you

Edited November 2, 2020 by JayDee

[InBrightestDay]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Definitely a downside of the system here we cannot edit added chapters on the multi-story things. Ain’t fair to keep bugging George to do it.

Ooh!  Ooh!  I can be useful!

You actually can do that.  If you go to the archives, and sign in, then go to “My Control Panel” and to “Originals Story Manager”.  On the story manager page, it should have “Stories Written” at the top, but then if you scroll down (you have a ton of stories, so it may take a while for you), you should then come to “Stories Co-Written” and finally “Story Contributions”.

That last one is where you can edit the chapters you’ve added to anthologies like this one.  I’ve used it to edit Moonlit Snow after spotting a typo.

[JayDee]

5 minutes ago, InBrightestDay said:

Ooh!  Ooh!  I can be useful!

You actually can do that.  If you go to the archives, and sign in, then go to “My Control Panel” and to “Originals Story Manager”.  On the story manager page, it should have “Stories Written” at the top, but then if you scroll down (you have a ton of stories, so it may take a while for you), you should then come to “Stories Co-Written” and finally “Story Contributions”.

That last one is where you can edit the chapters you’ve added to anthologies like this one.  I’ve used it to edit Moonlit Snow after spotting a typo.

...wow. I guess I haven’t scrolled down that far for a while. It’s dusty down there. Got that story with the devil horse. Probably not gonna try and tie that one into the k-team stories.

Thank you! Massively appreciate you pointing this out to me! Have keyed the evenhanded and Tommy looking at his own ass corrections :D

[Thundercloud]

On 11/2/2020 at 4:57 PM, JayDee said:

This coat creaks, I dunno what to tell you. Maybe it’s less plasticked on account of being home-tanned and stitched from skins of game she ate, or got some weird magic woven in it from her kit-making Succubus friend, maybe it’s thick and not oiled enough! I don’t have a whole lot of experience with leather trenchcoats, but one I have heard creaked enough the dirty fucker would use it to cover fart noises.

Suggesting a werewolf with their superior sense of smell wearing a fake leather trenchcoat...probably only a good idea if you have a death wish.

On 11/2/2020 at 4:57 PM, JayDee said:

Can always hold onto the scenes you’ve written and re-tool them for something else! Violence: The re-usable resource!

One of my prime motivations to write such things is to get them out of my head. When I know how the scene play out and get out the replay loop in my head that goes...what if...or it could be...even better if it...maybe go back to what if.

On the other hand these ideas are not so sticky as others I have been stuck with. One possibility is actually to write a prequel that describe the killers earlier activities...but I am probably more inclined to go with the 4 more chapters for With the Mirror Came...

On 11/2/2020 at 4:57 PM, JayDee said:

Hey, you coulda done it for Halloween party like 5 years ago when there were tons of entries! :p I kid, I kid. It’s cool you finally got the chance to write it.

Five years back is during my loooong break from AFF when I was busy writing on other sites (that does not exist anymore)

[Thundercloud]

On 11/2/2020 at 5:11 PM, JayDee said:

From Thundercloud on November 01, 2020 @Thundercloud

Thanks for the review and detailed thoughts! I’d settle for one or two a year like this too In a sense I have been working on this for ages – the original flashfic version (Which started with Bradley and a drunken, lecherous, asshole, version of Tommy supposedly arriving at a reststop to buy drugs but really so Bradley could murder Tommy for his demon master) must be five or six years old, but I didn’t like how it came out. InBrightestDay suggested it would work better with Kate than Lupa and I’d say that’s absolutely right, so with the basic plot worked out over ages of thought it was a simpler thing to smash it out for Halloween.

Practice makes perfect when writing stories.

On 11/2/2020 at 5:11 PM, JayDee said:

Hahahaha, aw fuck. Yeah, the line “ He looked over Tommy instead;” should abolutely be “He looked over Reuban instead;“ I mean, he’s not gonna check out his own ass.

I got the intended meaning...but now you had me start laughing again.

On 11/2/2020 at 5:11 PM, JayDee said:

Definitely a downside of the system here we cannot edit added chapters on the multi-story things.

I thought about telling you but InBrigthestDay got there before me.

On 11/2/2020 at 5:11 PM, JayDee said:

“There’s something strange about this girl…” *Sees the unshaven arms and legs* “Dear god! A Hippie!”

I think these days the association would be more like “Dear god! A Feminist!”

The weird thing is that from the circles where I move very few of the guys actually care about unshaven arms and legs, girls without mascara will most certainly be considered weird but the obsession with shaving seem totally out of proportion.

On 11/2/2020 at 5:11 PM, JayDee said:

Can never have enough gory werewolf stories!

It is a super hero from my G.S.P. story (that InBrightestDay has read) that pack a very heavy punch.

On 11/2/2020 at 5:11 PM, JayDee said:

They might not contact her about the case – no doubt they’ll find a reason to contact her about other things if they’re less professional :p

Maybe you should do a story about lots of people that suddenly realize they have the same Shannon as contact in their phone….or a decameron story where all participants change the name of Shannon due to privacy reasons so they don’t get they are talking about the same person and suddenly she appear herself and wonder why they all tell stories about her without giving her name any credit...

[Thundercloud]

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From GeorgeGlass on November 03, 2020

The Teen Slasher

Some comments (with SPOILERS):

--There were a fair number of language issues (IIRC, English is not your first language), but most of them didn't interfere too much with my understanding of the story.

Would been a miracle if there had not been any errors considering I wrote most of the text between midnight and 2 in the morning for a number of nights. To be fair I do make plenty of mistakes with English even when rested...will need a decade or two more to perfect my English.

Good that you could look past the language mistakes to enjoy the story.

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--Fishnet stockings without panties? I approve.

--I like the way the sex scene in the video is "choreographed." Jane walking backwards to draw Mary to the bed while Mary is sucking Jane's nipples is creative.

Thank you. I think the scene benefits from the limited viewpoint. It was the fun to write the scene in any case.

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--The unusual cut in the video was a good tidbit. It roused my curiosity about why the killer would edit this video but not all the previous ones.

Good, I worried a bit about it having James to notice it might make it too obvious.

In the beginning I had the thought that the police could be viewing more than one video and I could leave it to reader to notice the difference in production...but that idea had me dragged into also visitingthe murder scenes too and that soon became a bit too much darkfic for a regular Halloween story.

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--The bit about "teen slasher" being a misnomer made sense to me. Simplistic monikers like that tend to stick and can blind people to the complexities of what is really going on.

Yep, people is always looking for patterns. How much better the world would be if people working at the papers understood statistics better.

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--In retrospect, Jane bandaging her hands reminds me of when the killer in Silence of the Lambs puts his arm in a cast to make himself appear less threatening to one of his intended victims.

--Although female serial killers are very rare, serial killings tend to have a sexual component, so that part struck me as realistic.

A realistic slasher story...I take that as praise you only can get on AFF.

Thank you for the encouraging review.

[JayDee]

18 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I think these days the association would be more like “Dear god! A Feminist!”

The weird thing is that from the circles where I move very few of the guys actually care about unshaven arms and legs, girls without mascara will most certainly be considered weird but the obsession with shaving seem totally out of proportion.
 

Can’t say it bothers me either, let folks do what they want I always say!

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Maybe you should do a story about lots of people that suddenly realize they have the same Shannon as contact in their phone….or a decameron story where all participants change the name of Shannon due to privacy reasons so they don’t get they are talking about the same person and suddenly she appear herself and wonder why they all tell stories about her without giving her name any credit...

Fun ideas! I’m probably gonna be going back to my “assuming I’ll never finish anything again” mode shortly though

[InBrightestDay]

Alright, going to be replying to a few things tonight, so let’s start here!

On 10/27/2020 at 11:06 PM, GeorgeGlass said:

You can always count on me to make you feel better about your own perversions. 

While it does take place on Christmas, I wasn’t sure if I should put Meaningful Gifts into the anthology, since I know everyone kind of reads everyone’s stuff, and I didn’t want to force anyone to read a sibling incest story if they didn’t want to.  You’ve been at this a while, so I interpreted your entry here as an indicator that either people here aren’t that bothered by that sort of thing, or that I shouldn’t worry so much about what I enter into the party.  Either way, thank you!

Not quoting the other line, but I have to say that the phrase “wild gorilla sex” is hilarious.

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I wish that I’d had a little more time to think about and then work on this one. I was actually going to save this one for next Halloween, but when my original story for this year fizzled out, I figured I’d better switch to this.

I understand, and hope I didn’t come across as overly critical.  I know how it feels to have something fall through or just not be ready in time (it’s why Fury of the Storm will be next Halloween for me!).

On 11/1/2020 at 1:57 AM, JayDee said:

Yeah, but come on! What the people really want to see is werewolf vs spider

And vampire!   Not sure if I’ll ever get around to that, but it would be cool to do it eventually.

On 11/2/2020 at 7:01 AM, Thundercloud said:

*smiles* Trying to write something thrilling and getting a Hitchcock reference back feels good.

For those who don’t know, Alfred Hitchcock once explained the nature of suspense like this: if you have a scene of two people talking in a room, and then a bomb goes off, that’s surprising, but not suspenseful.  If you show the audience the bomb under the table, and then have the scene of two people talking, all while the clock ticks toward the eventual explosion, now you have suspense.

The same basic idea applies, I think, to the twist here.  If the audience doesn’t figure it out, then you have a surprise at the end.  If they do figure it out, then you get a rather suspenseful sequence, and in this case you know the metaphorical bomb will go off, but you don’t know precisely when.

Edited November 7, 2020 by InBrightestDay