Holiday Party 2018 Review Replies

[CloverReef]

Title says it all. A nice little nook in the forums for review replies for the annual Holiday Anthology. 

You’ll find the anthology here: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600109191

Edited December 15, 2018 by CloverReef

[Desiderius Price]

And I got the first review in!    

[Desiderius Price]

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From BronxWench on December 15, 2018
 

Jello

Right, note to self... never eat at Desi's house... especially dessert.

I loved the way you set this up, with the Thanksgiving Day sale madness that ushers in the holiday season firmly in place, even in your world of religious fervor and occasional naked people. I also loved the reception when she got home, and the absolutely maddening confusion of fmaily talking at cross purposes, because that's just the holidays, isn't it? Of course, most of us aren't going to have quite the same ending to our holiday gatherings...

Love it! 

Yes, the madness of Black Friday seemed…. well, it was an itch I had to settle.  All those stampedes, the fights, the insanity for a cheap TV, discounted socks, or less.  And in this case, the seemingly small human gesture of holding the door open for a stranger, used against her.

btw, I tend not to have Jello around the house, health reasons.

[BronxWench]

1 hour ago, Desiderius Price said:

Yes, the madness of Black Friday seemed…. well, it was an itch I had to settle.  All those stampedes, the fights, the insanity for a cheap TV, discounted socks, or less.  And in this case, the seemingly small human gesture of holding the door open for a stranger, used against her.

btw, I tend not to have Jello around the house, health reasons.

I’m still not sure I’d be happy having any dessert!  LMAO! Eh, better for my diet anyway, but really… 

[BronxWench]

 

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From Desiderius_Price on December 15, 2018
 

Nothing to Sneeze At - BronxWench

Ending was good.  Though I confess I'm not keen on a lot of exposition, to me, that's a symptom of a bigger story wanting to be unleashed where each of he points can be given the space they deserve--well, you've got another nanowrimo project! 

 

 

LOL—bite your tongue! I don’t need another project!

But thank you for the review! I think the hardest thing in writing a oneshot is to set the scene without getting too chatty. I wanted to get into Marc’s head more than anything, and maybe it was too much, but I sort of liked it in there.

 

 

[Desiderius Price]

17 minutes ago, BronxWench said:

LOL—bite your tongue! I don’t need another project!

But thank you for the review! I think the hardest thing in writing a oneshot is to set the scene without getting too chatty. I wanted to get into Marc’s head more than anything, and maybe it was too much, but I sort of liked it in there.

Here plot bunny…. here, over here, so long as you fellows stay away from me. 

I definitely know the challenge, to keep the plot simple, and how it likes to grow.  That’s how the Dale’s Game came into existence, I was trying to write it as the holiday oneshot, but realized there were too many elements, too many moving parts for a reasonable oneshot.  It had started to come off like yours, where I’d have  prolonged exposition to the point that it felt like a download, cramming it all in.  Thus, I spun the longer story off, and focused my oneshot on the simple premise.

[BronxWench]

Fortunately, this didn’t spin off from one of my other worlds, or I’d be pulling my hair out. This is just a quick dip into contemporary fiction for me. 

 

[Desiderius Price]

1 hour ago, BronxWench said:

Fortunately, this didn’t spin off from one of my other worlds, or I’d be pulling my hair out. This is just a quick dip into contemporary fiction for me. 

 

I haven’t strayed…. your other worlds might be disturbed by this adulterous affair.

[BronxWench]

My other worlds are dark and murderous places. I needed a vacation.  But they know I’ll always return, because I crave my darkness too much.

[CloverReef]

Review replies! 

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From Desiderius_Price on December 15, 2018
 

A Xenophiliac’s Christmas Carol by PlagueClover (aka CloverReef)

Good, creative, and less bloody than mine.  Somehow I wanted more action from the alien (whom I'm picturing as a Khajit).

@Desiderius Price To be honest, I was picturing a khajit too… except bulkier, and better graphics. Thank you for the review! If you ever do decide to do this again, next time my story’s gonna be waaaaaay bloodier than yours, I promise. 

 

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From BronxWench on December 15, 2018
 

A Xenophiliac’s Christmas Carol

This was entirely perfect! I don't even know where to begin fangirling here... Extany is unforgettably, unapologetically, deliciously slutty, and Lacuna is so very judgmental about it all, isn't he? I'll bet Dickens wishes his version was this good.

I love to pick out my favorite lines, but I have a tie here. A three-way tie...

First:

Extany gagged. “Oh fuck, a Freudian elf.”

Second: 

“Uh...” The giant’s arms cautiously relaxed. “You’re drooling.”

Extany gulped. “Gimmie a few seconds and I’ll be hard as rock too.”

Third:

“You’re sticky... You need a shower. And probably an exorcist.”

Screw Dickens--I like your version much better! :hugs:

@BronxWench That’s right, fuck Dickens. He shoulda wrote more gay smut, but shoulda woulda coulda, amirite? I’m so glad you liked Extany. He was the star of the tag challenge I was doing, but I got 4 chapters in and got stumped so it never got posted, but he was so much fun to work with I had to bust him out once more. Thank you so much for the awesome review. You always make me feel like I’m an amazing writer, and I’ll ride that wave of ego well into tomorrow. 

[Desiderius Price]

2 hours ago, CloverReef said:

@Desiderius Price To be honest, I was picturing a khajit too… except bulkier, and better graphics. Thank you for the review! If you ever do decide to do this again, next time my story’s gonna be waaaaaay bloodier than yours, I promise.

I don’t always do bloody stories, but it was justified this year because of how I wanted the story to play out.

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From PlagueClover on December 16, 2018

Jello By Desiderius Price
Talk about family drama. And I thought my relatives were judgy. Nice little slice of holiday intrigue pie. Good job!

Thanks for the review.  Yep, guilt by association and one of the methods of enforcement within my universe.

[BronxWench]

From InvidaRed:

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BronxWench. You're gonna give people cavities with stories that sweet. Haha <3

Right?  ::dies of embarrassed giggles:: But seriously I have to keep people on their toes, don’t I? I mean, I can’t always write romance with a body count…  Thank you! 

 

[BronxWench]

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From PlagueClover on December 16, 2018
 

Nothing to Sneeze At by BronxWench

Okay, so for some reason, I've discovered that, since this is like the third time I'm doing it, your particular style of wordsmithing requires I read it with an accent. For this story, I started out with a basic elegant Englishman, but as I learned about the MC, it morphed into Cockney, and for a few paragraphs there, South African, for some reason. 

Anyway, while I was reading I jotted down a few notes. I'm lazy, so I'm not going to try to edit them into a proper review, I'm just gonna plunk em down here:

"having the kind of sex which makes the neighbours leave embarrassed little notes under the door the next day, long after they were sure you'd left for work."

- I don't think I can move on with my life until I know what exactly those notes say.

- I'll never get the image of a saluting cock out of my head now. Now that image is wearing a top hat. What do top hats have to do with salutes? And now the cock is giving a tip of the hat. 

- I love how impatient Ben seems in a nicely patient, good-natured kinda way. He's all smiley but I'm fairly certain he's really all 'seriously, are we still talking about this? Why do I still have my pants on?'.

Anyway, this story was fucking adorable. I think Ben is my favourite character I've read in a looong time because he's interesting without having to say much, he's intense, and somehow sexy and adorable at the same time. Beautiful job. 

 

I suppose most of my urban settings are an amalgam of the big cities I like best in the world—New York City and London. For some reason, they make me ridiculously happy, although I really, really liked Toronto when I was there a million years ago.

Anyway, I’ve actually not gotten one of those notes, although there was a knock on the door, once. Apparently my partner at the time and I won the headboard-banging-off-the-wall contest that month, according to his upstairs neighbor. 

I might not look at my top hat in the exact same way again, though… 

And yes, Ben is certainly not a big talker, is he?  

But thank you so much, and I’m glad my brief venture into WAFF territory was at least fun!  

 

 

[Desiderius Price]

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From InvidiaRed on December 16, 2018

Jello.

Good thing nobody was vegetarian or this operation would’ve been a bust.” haha. interesting to read.

Thank you for reading and reviewing.  Yeah, my way of hinting to the method on the agents’ part here….    And I’m typically envisioning Agent Smith of the Matrix every time I’m writing him.

[CloverReef]

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From JayDee on December 16, 2018
 

A Xenophiliac’s Christmas Carol – Cuss words? Zounds! Gaszooks! ‘pon my fob, can such filth be?

I had to look up the actual meaning of Lacuna, because all I could think of was the band Lacuna Coil. I wondered if it was a reference since, having tentacles, Lacuna can presumably coil ‘em? Overall point of view is that Lacuna’s an asshole, broken heart or no. Jeff and Marsha’s wishes made me laugh! There’s a good sense of humor throughout the whole story. Lot of great lines like that. The Elfboy’s just made of zany hilarity, and then the big guy’s uh, over enthusiasm was laugh out loud hilarious. Third ghost... definitely mood whiplash there, but it fits the whole Christmas Carol theme! Nice bit of nastiness from the Grey.  Didn’t expect the ending! Could almost have fit in as a Halloween story.

@JayDee Wouldn’t that be awesome if I thought ahead like that and gave Lacuna’s name some stealth reference? I should do that in my stories now. To be honest, I had another story where there was an Orc named Lacuna raiding/saving a noble elf that I wrote ages ago and never got past the first scene, but it was one of those fic starts where you can’t quite get it out of your head yet don’t know what to do with it. So I stole his name. Kinda a wink and a nod to a story that never was. 

Jeff and Marsha’s wishes are probably the two lines I’m most proud of. I think you are the only one who pointed them out so you get 10 Clover points for that. Thank you so much for the review!

 

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From InvidiaRed on December 16, 2018
 

I was under the impression Extany was already infected from the get go. Breeder venom and the parasite.Since the ghost of the future shows him what will happen. Lacuna is just him hallucinating.

This little gem was my favorite.

“Yugh! Jesus Christ, Extany: I’ve been on you twenty-four-seven; how do you still smell like cum?” She wrinkled her nose as she touched his face and looked at her fingers. “You’re sticky... You need a shower. And probably an exorcist.”

@InvidiaRed Ohhhh that’s such a cool theory, I like that. Maybe I should steal that for the next Christmas story. You’re deep, dude. Like abstract deep. Thank you so much for the review!

[Desiderius Price]

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From JayDee on December 17, 2018
 

Jello

The bit at the start was pretty hot, earning that fingering tag but also the general concept. I liked that! Then I didn't really get why the guy waiting outside was naked, it's just there. I guess that's something that the universe explains more? Eye ball was a nice touch tho' Ending was pretty dark... at least there wasn't a dead dog too! I guess that's fundamentalist religion for ya, and well, loose ends do need the wrapping.
One thing - you've got the tags duplicated on the start, like they were copy/pasted twice, maybe need an edit? (I initially started the sentence as 'Minor point' instead of 'One thing' but I didn't want to give folks the wrong idea.)

Finally, a story of mine you could read!   

I admit to being a perv, wanted that suicide bomber to be naked (except for his backpack)….   I meant, from the lore perspective, nudism is a trait that can be found among the atheists.  While some might be docile, a number of them have radicalized, so there’s an elite fringe that treat it as a badge of honor to take action in the buff.

Dead dog… taking notes for the next dark story. 

Thanks @JayDee for the review!

[InvidiaRed]

9 hours ago, CloverReef said:

@JayDee

@InvidiaRed Ohhhh that’s such a cool theory, I like that. Maybe I should steal that for the next Christmas story. You’re deep, dude. Like abstract deep. Thank you so much for the review!

 

 

“Breeder venom changes the host to be more hospitable to their little parasitic shits.”

He wouldn’t be able to take said anti-venom if he was severely hallucinating. Part of him is aware he’s infected its just the rest of the hallucination drowns it out.

Hahaha. Now I can’t wait till next holiday.

[Desiderius Price]

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From PlagueClover on December 19, 2018
 

Santa's Sleigh by Desiderius Price

Sigh, that father Jordan and his evil gaybashing-but-strangely-very-gay gadgets. If he was in our universe, I bet I know who he'd vote for. 

It was nice to see familiar characters even though I haven't read your chaptered fics, having read a couple of your oneshots has given me a little more insight into this world. There were a few moments that made me laugh, a few moments that made me want to strangle a priest, and a few moments of 'awww'. 

It was a sweet little flashback story and nobody died. I was totally gonna give you a hard time about that, but then I remembered nobody technically died during the course of my story either, so I guess I'll resist the urge to be a dick, just this once. Awesome story, DP. 

It could still be our universe … I mean, it’s possible.  It’s mildly futuristic, so I’ve assumed a “genetics in a box” here, tuned for those markers of sexual orientation – there are spots in the chaptered stories where I refer to the “Great President (censored)”.  (Does that fuel your nightmares?)

I do like to bring the characters back, just like Mr. Baris in the previous story (he’s recurring too).  It gives continuity to the the universe and familiarity.   For this story, it’s backstory to something that gets alluded to in Dale’s Game, and would’ve been the subject of the final chapter if I didn’t accidentally end the story early (in fact, I kinda need to address that).

It was a fast/fun write, and not every story has death in it (things would get really stale if they did).  As I’m trying to make this a plausible/semi-realistic universe, deaths ought to be fairly rare things.

BTW, thanks for the review. 

[Desiderius Price]

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Jello – By DP

I’m pretty sure your main character was a sociopath, but the story was a nice little peak into your dark little world here. It is rather frightening how close it can be to real life at times. I just think it went a little too fast. A lot of things happened, without any real time for anything to properly sink in. Megan just kind of went from event to event without any real emotional ties for me as the reader to sympathize with her much.

Thanks, I do strive for it to be realistic (with my couple of tweaks).  And thanks for the critique; I’m always trying different things with these oneshots, and it’s tough balancing pace with detail given the size constraint.  Now, if you want longer, my potter story will most likely break a million words with plenty of time to introduce everybody! 

[BronxWench]

 

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From JayDee on December 18, 2018
 

Nothing to Sneeze At

...this was so sweetly romantic I read it again looking for a carefully hidden horrific subtext. Was Karen really a serial killer? Was Dan her victim? Or did Marc become unhinged with grief at the end of their relationship that he went out, got very drunk and fucked a Malamute under the intoxicated impression it was a cute guy changed shape? The answers to all of the questions appears to be No. Although I still have my suspicions around Karen. “Damn it, Karen!”

So, I liked the foreshadowing of that first sneeze and the reflection on the old dog, and it’s cool how there’s a solution for that. It’s like the literal opposite of one of the old tragedies where two folks fall in love and something prevents them being together.

I loved this line,

“His fangs were bared, and his growl was scaring the shit out of me, even though he was defending me. I hoped he was defending me.”

‘cos this is the part where in a dark ending story that things would get bleak, and instead you get hope realised and it’s awesome. Also, romance aside, the sex was hot; good build up!  'cos, you know, I look at a lot of this stuff from a porn perspective even when it's clearly literary erotica.

 

 

Thank you! I’m not quite sure it deserved to be called literary, but it was surprisingly fun to write something with no ulterior motives, no hidden agenda or sneaky trap for the unwary reader. Or maybe that was the trap? Who knows? It was just fluffy! But yay for good sex, because that’s clearly the best part of writing fluff. One has to have really good sex to make up for the lack of blood, or betrayal.

And from SinfulWolf:

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Nothing to Sneeze At – By BronxWench

Adorable really. Truly adorable. The intro managed to get the exposition stuff done in a way that felt like I was being told the story while sitting at a bar with a pint by a buddy. Then it flowed quite well into the more traditional narrative format. Even still, throughout there were moments it did feel like I was in a nice warm pub having a chat with a friend who was super eager to tell me about his new boyfriend. I like the little twist too, but I’m a sucker for fantasy.

 

Thank you! I’m not sure I can do a whole lot of sweet stories like this one, but it’s always good to challenge myself. I was very proud of not leaving any actual bodies, not even those who might possibly have deserved it. And I am very glad the exposition wasn’t too boring. It’s freaking hard to set a stage without a body!  

 

Edited December 20, 2018 by BronxWench

[Sinfulwolf]

@BronxWench the challenge is always fun. See how often you can do it without starting with bodies… though… can always end with many.

@Desiderius Price It’s always fun to try different things. I find with one shots and shorts I often try to bite off more than I can chew. I think the best way to do it is look at a singular event and really double down on it. Of course, this is writing, and there’s many best ways

Edited December 20, 2018 by Sinfulwolf

[Sinfulwolf]

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From BronxWench on December 19, 2018

Solstice of Dawn

I truly enjoyed revisiting this world. It's complicated, and I really like that. Nothing is ever what it seems, and Varia is far too intelligent to expect easy answers. There's a lovely tension throughout the story, and really, I was guessing as to what path Varia would take right to the end, so well done! The sex was wonderfully erotic, and sweetly tender as well, a gift for a night filled with significance for Varia and Lydia both. And of course, I love the inspiration drawn from Roman times as well. 

Thank you!

I do have a lot of fun with the Roman elements and bringing them into a fantasy world. I’ve actually been trying hard too not to make the Clergy and the religion of Ilimm the too typical overbearing Catholic knockoffs. I did throw Varia into a different kind of situation, and I had fun with the play between the two. I’ll be revisiting this world again at some point. Thank you very kindly for the review!

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From InvidiaRed on December 20, 2018
 

Solstice of Dawn is a truly wonderful sequel to the eve of hollow souls. A truly marvelous world. To see the acknowledgement that light is not good and dark is not evil. As the characters are delightfully human.

A quote that best comes to mind.

"Those that fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do."

I think that was the one big thing I wanted to tackle with this setting, is not having light and dark equate to good and evil, even if the two do sometimes treat the other that way. I’ll have to explore Lyxa a bit more in the future though. And glad you thought the characters were ‘delightfully human’. 

Also, good quote.

Edited December 20, 2018 by Sinfulwolf
another review came in before peeps replied.

[InvidiaRed]

58 minutes ago, Sinfulwolf said:

I do have a lot of fun with the Roman elements and bringing them into a fantasy world. I’ve actually been trying hard too not to make the Clergy and the religion of Ilimm the too typical overbearing Catholic knockoffs. I did throw Varia into a different kind of situation, and I had fun with the play between the two. I’ll be revisiting this world again at some point. Thank you very kindly for the review!

I think that was the one big thing I wanted to tackle with this setting, is not having light and dark equate to good and evil, even if the two do sometimes treat the other that way. I’ll have to explore Lyxa a bit more in the future though. And glad you thought the characters were ‘delightfully human’. 

Also, good quote.

haha. I’ll never forget the flavor text since my brother loved to spam lightning bolt( He’s hardcore Red)(for those interested I’m hardcore Black) MTG ftw

[InvidiaRed]

From SinfulWolf on December 20, 2018
 

Outreach – by InvidiaRed

The style is rather interesting. I think anthologies like this really are a great time to experiment. This style of writing, I think it can work really well for a short story (as here) but I don’t think it’d work for anything much longer. Each sentence being a paragraph, especially at the start for the time in the hole, made every bit a little more impactful. Almost like poetry. I think where it was showing it’s weaknesses was when it came to dialogue. It felt a little disjointed, and didn’t flow very well, and since a single character had multiple lines, sometimes I wasn’t entirely sure who was speaking at a given time. Still, a rather nice story with a lovely ending, and your setting is quite interesting indeed. Certainly shows all the work you’ve put into it.

 

I always seek to improve…. You are absolutely correct dialogue isn’t a strength yet. the rules for dialogue is vaguely arcane… At least to me.

[InvidiaRed]

I think I got everyone ’s reviews. Thank you

The rest are in my review response place