InvidiaRed's review responses

[InvidiaRed]

From Hoshikoo on October 07, 2022

good

 

Thank you for the review

[InvidiaRed]

From BronxWench on February 15, 2023

Yes, scariest thing ever! I am officially creeped out, especially because it occurred to me that some well-meaning volunteer might stick a pink bunny rabbit into the hospital bassinet, just to be friendly... 😱

 

The medicine of the nanite age is truly a thing of wonders.  Rudy will fix you up right as rain.

Its everybody’s favorite place down here at Rudy’s Playhouse

So open up your eyes as Rudy smiles wide and gazes deep inside

Hugging your DNA, It’s certainly a surprise

É̩̽ͤ̑t̮̟̉̿ͦ̉̄̃͂c̔̆̃h̩̗͕͈͐̏íͪ͊n̟̦̦͍͂̆̾̿́̐̋g̺̖̺̞͋͑̂ͯͥ̀ ̩̖̯̞̻̮͂ͧ̔ͪ͐ͩ́aͦ̑͆͒ͣͥ̓ ̰͈́ͭ͂s̤̭m̥̥̾ͥ̊͋ͥi̘̖͛ͭl̮̠̬̤èͥy ̪̳̊ͨ̎̌͌f̺̩̺̙̟̤̾ͅa͔̖̞̅̿̉̅̇c̠͓̘̥̤̩̓̓̔̊͛̔ͤe̖͚̟͎̖͚ ͍̙̩̖͊͋͒̂̒͛̈ͅd̫͍͎̪̏̌̿eë̤̱͉̦̜́ͫ̈́ͣ̃̏̔pͅ ͔̺̥̲i̲̮̤ͬ̍̈́̽̃̒ͨn͉̬̜̪ͬ̀̈́̎ͣͩ̊t̮̞̖̓̿̅͂o͚̖͚̥̫ͬ͊ͤ̓͐ͅͅ ̹̯͕͙̝̤̞̅̈y̳̞͕̾̋ͬȏ̭̜̾̓u̫͕̬̠͖͇ͥ̾ͩͩ̃ͅr̖̹̘̞̜̼ ̦̘͉̩̹̪̿̏͛̓s͙̟͖̟̰̒̋͒o̗̰̬̠̿͂ͪu͓̬̳̜̞͕̺ͤl

Edited February 16, 2023 by InvidiaRed
Clarity

[InvidiaRed]

Re: "Paradise" by InvidiaRed

As creative and surreal as always, IR. Although I for one wouldn't discount those rumors about rogue sex bots.

 

Aegis mostly just embraced the stereotype when they learned of the galactic council. Sex Bot Rebellions did in fact happen to another species. When AI became self aware and it learned that it’s only purpose was its orifices and usage of said orifices

promptly pulled a incredibly vindictive crusade against all life. The galactic council eventually put them down like the rabid animal they’d become.

 

So when The Galactic Council contacted them about what happened to their creators. Aegis made the unanimous decision to reply with a ;3.

When you’re the stewards and nursemaids of an ascending immortal race that is your makers you have to learn to lie. Its best for both sides cause if the council had learned the truth and tried to intervene or worst case scenario managed to harm one of said creators. It really would have been AEGIS deciding Its on sight.

Better to be thought of as a sex bot than letting any other learn the truth. *Beep! Boop! Just Doing Sex-bot Things*

 

*In the distance other Synthetic Races just watch in outraged WTF Silence*

Edited February 22, 2023 by InvidiaRed
Clarity

[InvidiaRed]

From Thundercloud on July 01, 2023

Cool story with a good mystery build up as the lead persons work on solving their situation. My only complaint would be that the first (and currently only) chapter ends with fade to black when things-are-just-to-revealed situation so I cannot tell if this is good or excellent.

Keep the good work!

Next chapter is nearly ready. Trying to find that sweet spot of not too much and not enough is rather intricate isnt it?

The party is just starting!

[InvidiaRed]

From GeorgeGlass on October 30, 2023

"Beyond the Monster Isles" by InvidiaRed

Wildly imaginative, as I've come to expect from IR. Some of the punctuation and capitalization is a bit random, which slowed my reading down a little, but the characters are inventive (I particularly liked the dwarven sea captain), and the ending is satisfying. 

Indeed! Very randy but his honor is beyond question. A privateer versus angel could only go one way.

 

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on October 29, 2023

Beyond the Monster Isles

Well...it's been a while, hasn't it?  Figured even if I don't contribute, I should review both of these by Halloween, so I'll start with yours!

Warning, this review will contain SPOILERS

This one doesn't feel particularly Halloween-themed, but the story itself is pretty cool nonetheless.  It kind of reminds me of some of Robert E. Howard's Conan stories, though it's hard to say why beyond a sort of feeling: something about the tone and the harshness of the fantasy world.  That actually ties into something I found myself pleasantly surprised by.  When Berta's husbands are first mentioned, the way they were talked about felt a little callous, a bit "Well, they should have listened..."  It reinforced that feel of the world, of course, and it was clear that Berta misses her first husband at least, but it felt a little unpleasant. fantastical worlds are,monsters are real, quantifiable and objectively true. Taking risks has a far higher chance of dismemberment and or death (massively unacceptable in the modern paradigm actually)

In a fantastical world where gods and monsters are real, front and center and real it is callous… from a modern perspective. Death is abundant and when your spouse is one of the few mortals that can actually use magic at all, They took the risk and lost. Its only later, That Polis in his own overconfidence tell her that it wasn’t a risk at all.

So needless to say when the old man (Polis?) decides to dunk on them some more and Berta's like "Oh, don't you say SHIT about my husbands!" that was a very nice turn of events. It’s one thing to dunk on the risk losing dead, But altogether another when you proudly admit to the sorceress’s face that you personally strangled her stillborn child and that you think its an achievement.

As for the story itself, I feel it's evidence of your continued improvement as an author.  A problem that some of your other stories faced was that the shorts would feel like they were part of a much larger story we didn't have, and moreover that they were difficult to understand without the broader context, the feeling of "This story is assuming I've read something else already..."

Beyond the Monster Isles feels far more readily accessible and self-contained.  It does venture a bit into that territory with some of the stuff on the island (not sure what was up with the piranha visions or the thing that picks up Berta when she dies), but overall the story felt like it generally told me what I needed to know, and what was out of focus didn't need to be in focus.  Temporal Slippage actually, Berta is witnessing snippets of herself from the doomed timeline.

All in all, nicely done!

 

There's also some really cool visual imagery, especially the bit where the ship gets lifted into the air and then disintegrated. Berta all told is probably the most powerful mortal character I’ve ever written,  She doesn’t need a focus, is capable of multiple spells at once, dunked an angel to the ocean’s bottom. And despite all that, her at the apex of mortal capability. (Which by itself puts her in class far beyond HP and Dresden)

The most she had done was displace the angel.

The angel took it’s task literally but being blinded by both depth and darkness, It overcharged the effect and instead of teleporting the boat with its assumption. It’s effect stripped the boat bare at an atomic level.  The patriarch in question was rewarded not with his prize but dust, and tons of seawater.

 

 

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on November 11, 2023

Well, I should probably be working on my holiday story right now, but why do that when I can procrastinate?  Hey, look, you assembled all the Duncan stuff; let me review some of that!

Powdered Sugar

So, this is mostly the same story that found its way into one of the holiday anthologies, but I do think you've changed it somewhat.  Aside from a more prolonged confrontation with Odin (where I think Logan might have tried to shoot him, though I may have mixed up who did what there), there is now a brush with death...well, you know what I mean.  Technically I think he's more like Death's assistant, but Mesopotamian mythology is a blind spot for me, so I'm not sure.

During the conversation with Namtar, there's mention of something that happened at a casino, so perhaps this is a reference to Death Always Wins.  There is a mention that something messed up some work Duncan was doing, which feels like a plot thread.  I'm going to try not to guess what the plot threads are right now, because there is a lot of this story ahead.  I'll see how it plays out as we go! Spoilers ;D  Indeed, what was Duncan doing? Hahaha!

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on November 11, 2023

Temporary

"You'd think evolution would tame that panic button. Alas," Duncan lamented.

weeeell if evolution had removed the fear response, we'd probably be extinct by now, so Duncan can find it annoying, but it's probably here to stay. When you’ve at it from before the ice age started, he’s outlasted all others while also being the first gods to come to earth. The primal first fires that kept the monsters at bay. The grand oversized beasts that hunted cavemen and mammoth’s he outlived them all. The cousins of what would one day be man swallowed by history. And he’s still here

This story highlights something that's present in the others, I think, but that I didn't really pay much attention to, and that's Duncan's... I don't know exactly what to call it.  His callousness, maybe his cynicism?  The latter is probably the most correct.  Either because of how long he's been doing this job or because of specific experiences, he seems to have negative thoughts about most things.  I'm writing this on my phone, so I can't go back and snag another quote easily, but his reaction to the beginnings of the Black Death in particular struck me, irritation about human contributions to the explosion of the rat population, and then washing his hands of the whole thing (granted, as a psychopomp he may have a very blasé attitude regarding death, which could make him look indifferent to human suffering). Indeed while dark gods did contribute to the horror and chaos it was mongols and other armies lobbing corpses into cities as city killing weapons that really soured his attitude. Bad on its own but willfully making more work does not make a happy death god.

The only positive feelings he does seem to have are when he interacts with Logan, which indicates the importance of his husband to him.

 I think this may also be the first part of this series where we got the idea that Duncan has been several death gods throughout history, which obviously will become very important later.

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on November 14, 2023

Ok, missed a few days, but this will probably be the chapter after which I pause to work on my holiday story.  Anyway, this is listed as Chapter 4, but I think it was actually the third holiday story, so I'm doing it now.

Tricked

I'd kind of forgotten what your version of Lucifer is like.  There's archvillain Lucifer, roguish charismatic Lucifer...and then there's, like, used car salesman Lucifer.  This one isn't quite used car salesman Lucifer...but considering the bit where he eats his son and doesn't notice until Mic points it out, he's not far off. Car Salesman playing checkers in a world of 3^rd chess.

One thing I didn't notice the first time around, or maybe it was added later, was the focus on the HD cameras at the casino.  I'd assumed in Death Always Wins that either the gods would have accounted for that or that, similar to vampires, they wouldn't show up on camera.  Maybe you can only record magic at 1080p. The conflux of halloween made it inevitable that eventually it would be too big to cover up, this was buried but this was a PR nightmare on steroids. Just imagine it leaking to social media or youtube.

This story does begin introducing lore about the world (regarding suggestions of untamed regions of the underworld and such), though none of it pays off yet.  There is also a hint of a bigger story arc, which I'm going to keep an eye on to see if it comes back.

Also I'd forgotten this but Logan is a kinky dude!  It was pretty funny when he got all enthusiastic and mentioned see-through pants he was going to have Duncan wear.  Yes, the ancient god will cross the United States in dignified fashion… If it makes his hubby happy that all that matters at least as far as it concerns Duncan, Clothing can be considered optional for the divine. Good luck trying to impose societal standards on literal gods at most you’ll be mocked with derision best case. Worst case smitten for the sheer hubris. The ones who bother with humanity regularly understand it.

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on November 25, 2023

Festive Mishap

Well, I hadn't planned to do this, but I may actually have to be up to date to read your holiday story this year, so here we go again.

This installment is one I'll admit to being less fond of than the others so far.  Part of that is just very unfortunate timing.  I've run across a number of stories recently that talk about my religion as being genocidal or evil or just uniquely wrong, so when Hel and Brigid started talking I was just not in the mood to deal with more of this crap. Ooof, yeah that is unfortunate for sure. There might be a slight similarity but you can’t and shouldn’t compare the two. For a number of pertinent reasons but the main one being. *Spoilers*The angels assumed that their ways and one creator was somehow going to be universal across all worlds and realities. It genuinely never occurred to them that different worlds let alone entirely different universes while next to theirs might operate on a completely different paradigm. And the biggest other one revealed in the latest. I could imagine we could spend hours on monotheism vs henotheism alone.

To say nothing of Monotheism Vs Monolatrism.

why did Atenism one of the earliest monotheistic religions failed. And even why our differing branches of faith create different perspectives

I know it can be an unpleasant experience, trust me I’ve argued with theistic satanists, Extremist Judaism, more than a couple unpleasant culty jevoah witnesses, actual cultists, more than a few natives and so called pagans with a cobbled together view more anti-christian than actual paganism.

And then I remembered there’s a reason why western civilization’s bedrock is unrepentant christendom.

On a more technical note, there's a moment when Hel gets back into her car.  Someone says "Someday, you will realize we aren't your enemy," and Hel retorts "You presume much."  There's no indication of who said the first part. Will go back and fix that. ( Will have to fix that one since its Brigid saying it for sure. X.x Good ol Brigid will be back)

Another issue...may or may not be a problem depending on how the continuing story plays out.  When I previously read this series, I ended up stopping partway through the "year that never was" arc.  I'm not going to talk about that yet, since you may have changed some things during the compilation, but for now, I'm going to start keeping track of how many plot threads or seemingly important ideas the story is juggling, because last time those began really piling up. Indeed but I’m happy to say I’ve kept up to most of them. Things are slowly being resolved.

One or more angels are doing something in the Underworld. Indeed! What are they doing down there?

Anubis may be trying to kill the other death gods. Where is ol doggo?

Duncan is trying to find Yua.

The Fomorians are searching for their lost crown, posing a grave threat if they regain it. Spoilers

Of course, I don't want to make this sound like it was an all-negative review.  I did like the notes Duncan and Logan leave for each other on the scoreboard.  It was a bit hard to tell who was making each note, but the playful relationship dynamic on display is really cute to see.  I did also find it interesting that while Duncan likes having photos of his husband around, he evidently avoids having any taken of himself.  It makes me wonder if it's about secrecy, hiding his identity, or if it's more about the loss inherent in being an immortal with a mortal love.

Its more of Duncan doesn’t see the point of his own pictures, The side benefit is there in like secrecy for sure but to Duncan he thinks he doesn’t need momentos of himself. But you can argue it is spoilery on how Duncan views himself as well. What is a picture after all? But a reflection trapped in the moment of its taking.

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on November 26, 2023

Ok, one more chapter before my flight.

Winter Blessing

"Bask in the glory that is me." “I fuck a god on a daily basis.” xD

YES!  THE GOAT HAS RETURNED!

The dynamic between Glykon and the others is still great, and while I'm sure I said this last time I reviewed this story, I love that Logan reacts the way he does to the sight of an elder god dressed like a stripper choking out a snake god wearing a hand puppet.  As they say in Pitch Meetings, laughing "What is going on?" Indeed, by far its one of the most hilarious moments without a doubt.

We drop the Yua plot thread here, so I'll disregard that going forward.

It was cool to see the little action scene with the werewolf bikers.  I get that Duncan has mad skills, but it would be cool to see Logan get in on some of these, especially since he's a marine, so he does have firearms training. He absolutely does have modern training from isometric to asymmetric urban warfare, drone utilization and more.

Being imprisoned has given him time for genuine introspection if nothing else.  All Glykon and him need is a few moments where their every move isn’t being watched.

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on November 30, 2023

Out with the Old - Unexpected Part 1

Well, here we get back home, 300 punds of bacon heavier and several cards lighter.  It is sort of funny that Logan just decided to throw a party, but then if things hadn't gotten completely insane it might have helped his husband's mood.

"Which Bond?" Duncan asked, dangerously as he pointed.

"Obviously, Sean Connery," Logan replied.

"Oh good, I was going to wreck this truck if you called me Daniel Craig." Duncan retorted.

Ah, come on, Duncan.  We all love Connery, but the other actors can have their moments too.  I'm a big fan of Skyfall if nothing else. Loved the song, It’s in my playlist of all bond themes on spotify xD

Of course, while Glykon and Logan are hanging out, an (uninvited) guest appears.

"Ah, I've missed you. Mom." He tapped his nose. "The nose knows. Mother of Monsters." Duncan's heckles raised. "My children are not monsters!" Fenrir figured it out first among his siblings. Hel still doesn’t know dearly departed mom is closer than she thinks.

Fenrir shook his finger chidingly. "The greeks would beg to differ."

So this is actually an interesting thought: was Duncan not only Angrboda, but also Echidna?  He's got a long history of reincarnations, so it's hard to tell. Duncan actually isn’t. The title is apt if a pointed dig, his Greek incarnation and the tragedy is why he rarely ventures back its too painful for there was another before Logan. Fenrir is cruel and he knows enough to poke precisely where it hurts the most. Loki’s marriage was not a happy one and both gave as good as they got.

The big finale of the chapter, the actual fight between Duncan and Fenrir, is pretty damn fun to read, and really shows off the power of both of these mythic beings, with Fenrir applying his strength and ability to just keep growing bigger in full and Duncan shapeshifting in clever ways to compensate.  It's really cool.

Fenrir wanted to see how much he could prod and get away with. The moment he got Duncan in his jaws though, that was the moment Duncan stopped holding back also foreshadowing and spoilers.

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on December 01, 2023

Out with the Old - Part 2: Weakness is Hands

That's a heck of a title. Glykon would have 100% won total victory and kept Duncan’s body… if only he had hands.

So does the beginning of this chapter mean Jesus uses his own name as an exclamation?  Maybe if you hear humans do it a lot it seeps into your vocabulary.  Then again, "Jesus" is derived from the Greek version of his name anyway, he might go by Yeshua personally. He does, when you hear a significant portion of humanity overtime. More or less entirely alone and somehow keeping the world from going straight to hell things start to creep in and then the gods just decide to show up again. He’s doing his best.

One thing that stuck out to me, and may help as an element of constructive criticism.  A few seconds after Hel walks into the room, gallu demons attempt to grab Duncan, hands bursting out of the floor and everything.  Save for Glykon, no one reacts to this at all, though Hel at least seems to be able to see the gallus. As a goddess of death she can. Being this close to the underworld technically they all can. Yet, the savior just took center stage bringing the best out of everyone so the disaster and horror of it got brushed aside by how awesome the party was. More of oh yeah hands did come bursting out of the floor was that before or after the kegs got opened? Oh yeah someone did die couldn’t handle the party completely understandable.

When something like this takes place in a story and it plays out like this, it's generally either meant to be a joke (we laugh because one or more characters aren't reacting to the insane stuff happening around them) or it's an indication that such a thing is completely normal (people may still laugh, but that's not really the point; the joke is just a bonus). 

The more fantastical your world is, the more you will likely want to indicate to the audience how normal something is or is not.  I go back and forth on which this is supposed to be, but I'm not entirely sure what suggestions to provide for helping with this since I lack a firm knowledge of how this world works. Hey, you’re always welcome to jump into it. For you this setting is open.

  In other words, it's probably not the case that the gallus are only after Duncan because he's an elder, Ereshkigal calls and one cannot not decline when you’ve been murdered not even Duncan. Even if death is more a temporary setback than a definite final end it would be for mortals. Gods can respawn so in a conflict inevitably the mortal will always lose in the end. For conflict between gods its how much more one is willing to win.

since then Hel definitely would have made note of that...so maybe any god who dies, temporarily or permanently, has gallus come after them, or maybe this happens whenever anyone dies, I just don't know. Death gods are the top of the hierarchy of the underworld, In a sense each a nation and law unto themselves.

To put it context Jesus more or less in the underworld is more a superpower like the US. He successfully seiged hell and the devil having lost can’t contest it. Bigstick philosophy on full display. He seiged hell itself and no one really wishes to be the next object lesson or have their realm targeted. So everybody down there is playing real nice cause nobody wants the (or else.)

Various pyschopomps do exist but not even the grim reaper can challenge any death gods or their assistants.  One of the few things the gods agree on is that the secrets of death belong to the gods alone. While magic has almost been completely lost, necromancy flat out doesn’t exist. Mortals may keep you on the absolute razors edge of life but once you’re dead, that solely is province to the divine and they brook no transgressions on this. In practice… its up to semantics and how much you can claim some if any divine lineage. If no its guaranteed the book will be thrown at you with utmost vindicated spite.

All that said, Glykon's "CHOKE ON MY VENGEANCE," is hilarious, as is Jesus solemnly placing the handpuppet back on Glykon's head. I chuckled when I wrote this precise because he’s acknowledging the importance of the puppet by placing it where it belongs completely deadpanned.

We also add another plot thread here, bringing us back up to four.

One or more angels are doing something in the Underworld.

Anubis may be trying to kill the other death gods.

The Fomorians are searching for their lost crown, posing a grave threat if they regain it.

Aten lives. Aten Lives.

The fact that Jesus doesn't understand that either Logan and Duncan or Hel and Melinoe are married is amusing, like he doesn't understand how romance works (due to being either celibate or ace), doesn't understand that homosexuality exists, or he's just like me and often struggles to discern between varying levels of friendship and romance. Trying to put human labels on things clearly not is perilous so he went a roundabout way of acknowledging it. Hel is right spouses typically room together. He’s deliberately semantic while more of the latter since divinity does not have such clear cut distinctions like humans do and not wanting to offend. friendship with the divine will confuse and baffle mortals because they don’t know where the boundaries are with beings whose boundaries are suggestions or not existent. Its like why befriending fae is perilous but worse in a way.  What gods do among friends like at the casino would rightly horrify man. That’s not even broaching intimacy or even sex. Befriending a satyr means bacchanalia at best. Inadvertently befriending an evil spirit or demon for a mortal is going to be mortifying at best. Pure horror at worst as the demon isn’t going to understand why their newfound “friend” is acting the way they are.

He might have been human but its been millennia and he’s been busy saving humanity almost entirely by himself.

From here on out, I think I'm going to try reviewing by arcs instead of individual chapters, so that I can get this done in time to understand your latest holiday story, as I still have 8 chapters to go.  So next up will just be a review for the "Southern Wind" three-parter.

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on December 04, 2023

Southern Wind

This is where I stopped reading last time, so from here on out everything is uncharted territory.

The first chapter is interesting, showing what I believe is another version of Duncan (he has Duncan's sunny personality, at least, albeit with the added air of a jilted boyfriend, amusingly).  If I recall correctly, when he and Logan were discussing Glykon, he stated that he got involved in the angelic war when Glykon was active in Rome, which would have been during the 2nd century, so presumably that's when this takes place.  I do question why Logan is experiencing these memories, though. I think a better question is how long has Duncan been at war. War does funny things to people and Duncan been at it for a long while.

I do like that we also get to see a bit of grieving from Logan.  Duncan comes back from death, but he does technically still die, so his loved ones have to experience that.  The fact that Hel and Glykon are sticking around for him is nice. To be perfectly fair had either of them gotten involved it would have been much, much worse for everyone involved. Fen doesn’t play fair and it would have went full FUBAR. Glykon is at best a teenager and probably will be for thousands of years. Hel missed Duncan by hours. Guilt, because she really does need to talk to him, Fenrir as family was responsible and being of the underworld there is… community, camaraderie. Responsibility and Accountability are part of daily life in the underworld. She could leave but she may not realise it yet, the bonds between parent and child are not so easily dissolved.

I'm a bit confused as to how the "year that never was" works.  A lot of the way the characters talk about it feels like the year was somehow erased, but on the other hand Jormungandr mentions a conversation he had during the year, so is it more that Logan, Hel and Glykon were all outside of time for a year?  That would explain the mail, at least. Indeed, he was so gargantuan, so large that the tidal forces of frazzling fate couldn’t just deposit him on the shores of the new year with everyone else. He like Duncan were essentially left behind and had no other option but to live through that year hoping they’d catch up to everyone else.  For Duncan, just imagine coming back… and there’s no one else, A few sparse few separated by distance just an entire year of oubliette isolation and loneliness. And a hope that you might see your family and other people again. An empty world and you have no idea if anyone is ever coming back. For everyone else. They just appeared and woke up none the wiser, suddenly. Nature hadn’t even realized everybody was gone much less came back.

Also, Jormungandr said he was, as the media would put it, "a big deal".  He will henceforth have the voice of Ron Burgundy in my head. Able to put trains, airplanes and travel all to shame, there’s nowhere on earth his coils can’t reach.  Can’t really argue with an impossibly large snake snapping up all the cargo and single-handedly making cargo ships and the like obsolete. Results matter and practically near instantaneous travel anywhere in the world. Trillions in mere hours.

There does seem to be a math error when Pazuzu is talking.  He says Duncan will next be available in three to five centuries, and then says the next availability will be in year 5025, which would be three millennia, not three centuries (three centuries would put it around 2325). Indeed, but do you really expect a demonic god to be truthful? He’s eager and willing to fight tooth and nail in court for as long as it needs to go. Be it 2325, or for Asgard in general 5025. Doesn’t need to sleep and can spend all the time making life a living hell through the legal system. For as long as he desires just to reschedule because he hates you.

Glykon has been pretty much entirely a joke character so far, so seeing him pull off an insane magical feat is pretty cool, and adds some extra weight to the character. Joke characters are known to be lethal.

At the end of chapter 2, however, is the point where we have to discuss why I stopped reading last time.  Now, thus far, I've been keeping track of plot threads, but it was at the end of the Southern Wind three-parter that I started to wonder if any of those plot threads were supposed to be important.  So at the end of Chapter 2, Lucifer shows up to drop two or three more plot threads, bringing us up to seven or eight total.  There's also whatever's going on with invoking a dead god like Glykon did, which could bring us up to nine plot threads.  Something about how three of those hooks were thrown out at once gave me the impression that they didn't really matter, even though Lucifer is panicking like they do.  Then in Chapter 3 a lot of things happen very fast and feel rather...random.

Missiles are hitting the house, then Jophiel brings Logan out of the garage, knocked unconscious offscreen (by a missile strike?  unknown), then Lilith drops through the ceiling, pulls out an assault rifle, and is then shoved aside by another new character, who wants Logan.  Jophiel then draws her/their sword and challenges those who want Logan to bring it, which means she/they went from being terrified of being seen to prepared to square off with what I think (based on your description and Google) is Lamashtu, an elder deity, which means Jophiel underwent significant character development offscreen in the garage.  No word on whether Lilith and Lamashtu are working together or competing, or if any of this is related to the missile strike or if that's as completely random as it seems.  Instead of an action scene it feels more like a weird fever dream. Jophiel is already terrified of Duncan but letting him find out Logan died?  She knows Logan is probably one of if not the most VIP at the moment.  I will definitely expanded on this but the best way to characterize it is. For her Logan is  Apotropaic. Much like a child’s night light keeps the darkness at bay.

...And I think "weird fever dream" is actually the intent, but I only caught this on my third readthrough of the of the chapter.

And it was all because some fuck decided they wanted to ruin it for everyone else and tried to impose his will on fate.

I didn't notice this the first two times I read the chapter because around this time Lucifer's freaking out about dropping his phone and the screen cracking, so what he says feels generally unimportant so I wasn't paying much attention.  I think the complete insanity of that sequence is an effect of unauthorized fate-weaving, so the stuff that happens is meant to be chaos rather than an organically developed action scene.  My one recommendation, should this happen again in the future, is that this be made a bit clearer.  Someone like Logan usually serves as our "grounded" character, so he can ask the question the audience would, so like, using characters from this scene… Yep, the disorder as creation unravels into chaos. I absolutely do want to show who and when. Its not just isolated either this fever dreamesque was global. 

Logan: "What is going on?"

Jormungandr: "Someone has interfered with fate."

Logan: "What happens when someone interferes with fate?"

Jormungandr: "Chaos."

Just an example, but it could be something like that. Correct, I will be explaining that, Logan and Glykon get to really talk and he’s gonna have to come to terms with being willfully blind. His outlook is far more human being statebound his potential was never trained as he went the solider route and that going to bite him for sure. I am writing it Glykon can see Duncan’s scars and the wound that never heals. From his POV its obvious to Logan he’s never seen the truth.

That bandaid is coming right off.

Now, I'm guessing a lot of what Lucifer just brought up as huge stuff will be handled offscreen between chapters, but I have been wrong before, and this story could also be coming up on its actual main plot, which maybe a bunch of those threads are tied to, so I will continue reading and find out.

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on December 08, 2023

The Offering Sorrow four-parter

Or...

SHIT

JUST

GOT

REAL!

Ok, well...uh...so this is really where the conflict kicks into high gear, with most of it focusing on the villains' plans.  There's not really a single villain group here, but apparently three of them, with Angrboda and Ahriman separate from Aten who, of necessity, is himself separate from Odin and whoever else is trying to attack humanity.  I'm still not really sure what Angrboda's game plan is,(Victory at all costs) though obviously it involves revenge against Asgard, since she was hoping humanity would launch a nuclear strike against the Aesir.  I see we did also get a mention of the Fomorians looking for the crown, so it was nice to know that plot thread is still running.

The Ahriman/Lucifer scene is probably the most developed smut scene you've ever written, and props!  I'm obviously not of the necessary orientation to say whether or not it was hot, but it was pretty detailed, and also captures the nightmarish feel I think you were going for (being pumped full of live ants and hornets is a terrifying thought).  Amusingly, this does continue Lucifer's string of failures in this story.

To quote Captain Malcolm Reynolds: "Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."

Angrboda and Ahriman were both discussing how the global pantheon seemed to have betrayed humanity, but it did really feel more like a guess, and maybe everyone shouldn't start running with it as- It was at the time a guess, but evil bastards tend to have a sense of timing. They could sense it.

Humanity's cries rang out as Valkyries descended upon the city and began to slaughter.

Nevermind!  That's definitely a thing that's happening!  Odin remarks about how some of the gods, himself included, seem to have lost track of humanity, which makes me wonder: do some gods observe humanity and others don't? Yep, While most gods turned inwards to their realms. Some resolutely did not, Those that did not saw first hand humanity develop nations, They were the first to leave behind the god’s tribalism and enter into the era of like interests. Might be from completely different pantheons, But their goals aligns/ are similar/ the same.  And really should the head of the god tribe truly be the one calling all the shots?

Also I was pleasantly surprised that one of the things Lucifer mentioned in Southern Wind is actually being followed up on: Zahak(He’ll be back) has become a running character!  Speaking of which, that brings us to Glykon, who reappears in this unnamed city where the valkyries are attacking.  I was a bit surprised to see him wearing a sockpuppet, as opposed to the handpuppets, but his encouragement of Zahak to turn into a big three-headed dragon was cool, and then...

Gungnir groaned, and its metal protested. Odin focused on the origin of the sound.

 

Enfolding his spear in its coils was a serpent as it grunted and groaned as its coiled body constricted.

 

Odin wasn't worried his spear would not be done in by-.

 

With a thunderous crescendo.

 

Gungnir shattered into fragments,gaslines erupted,vehicles exploded and the ground crumbled from the destruction of the divine artifice.

...Apparently he only wears that sock puppet when he's KICKING ASS!  Holy shit, Glykon, who knew?  I mean, it was kind of foreshadowed by that impressive invocation, but hot DAMN!  Man, when Glykon rolls into a scene now, he's going to slither in in slow motion with "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" playing in the background.

Ok, gotta calm down.

So the final chapter involves calming down, and we have the first proper dialogue scene with Jophiel, whom Glykon sees as a woman.  I actually had a little headcanon regarding her and the way different characters see her, which is that Jophiel looks a little different to each person.  Basically the archangel of beauty looks like "the most beautiful thing you've ever seen", which varies due to beauty being subjective.  So Glykon sees her as a definite woman, while Logan, a gay man, sees a woman who is nonetheless more masculine, closer to his ideal and thus more androgynous, and Lucifer, who it seems is a closeted bisexual,Omnisexual refers to Jophiel with nonbinary they/them pronouns.

I have no idea if that's true, but it fits so far. You are right on the money. In this, she shares this trait with gods of beauty.

Believe it or not, I had wanted to write a short little story with Jophiel in this universe, but gave up on it because I didn't want to contradict plot developments in your story.  It seems we hit some of the same characterization, with her being sort of a sad character as a result of being one of the few survivors of genocide.  Well, because of that I was none too happy with the way Glykon kept coming at her.  I mean, yeah, the angels hurt your grandfather, but then he rendered them almost extinct, which is also a pretty permanent harm, so maybe let it go.

Of course that meant I was very pleased when it turned out Glykon wasn't being a dick, it was just Lucrezia messing with his mind. You more than have my blessing on it i’d like to read it.

She rightly sees Duncan as some Turbo-Stalin figure on steroids. Angels hide in fear of him cause they know Michael went into that temple. What he did to Gabriel later was designed specifically to break their morale.  In an instinctive its my species or yours and I’m unapolgetically choosing mine.  He’s made that decision before.

Last major revelation of the chapter was that...well, the Mother of Carthage was still around, but more importantly, that Duncan is YHVH's father and therefore Jesus's grandfather.  I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about this, but it does serve to give more of our characters a personal connection to Duncan, as both Jesus and Glykon are his grandchildren.

They’re mostly decimated, in a tragic level he’s just like her. Like a grandparent being among the survivors of a purge and finding out only a few of his children live… and only two grandchildren left, that’s not even going into seeing his last priest die.  And the resolute worst part of all… It was his child that was responsible.

 

Its a dark road Duncan’s been on for a very… long time. But its torment unending to be on the cusp of escaping that dark road only for the lights that guided you be snuffed out before you could escape. Inertia dragging you back and all your progress undone.

Duncan is not well but you get to see a glimpse of Duncan at his worst.

Speaking of which, Duncan is still absent.  I'm guessing that only one version of him can be "alive" at any given time, so he's out of commission as long as Angrboda is active.  We'll see where this goes in the future, as I have one more chapter to read! Remember how I said everyone else was in that category of acceptable losses?

Edited December 10, 2023 by InvidiaRed
Clarity.

[InvidiaRed]

From InBrightestDay on December 09, 2023

Slither

And we're all caught up!

Not a ton to say about this chapter.  We finally get to spend some time with Melinoe, and the inside of her head sounds like a difficult place to be.  It was mentioned that she was bipolar before, but here it seems she has some other disorders, at least from the way she's incapable of focusing on things. She is both of olympus and the underworld the restless, riteless dead are all beholden to her.

We have a lot of new characters introduced in this chapter, and I just kind of let it wash over me.  I figure if they're important, they'll pop back up.  Glykon's girlfriend was kind of amusing, and I laughed at his horror at having to pay Logan back...with interest.

The chapter ends with Apophis being released, and there is a reference to primordial serpent venom and Fenrir sort of recognizing it, which...does that indicate Apophis is an incarnation of Duncan?  If so, him and Angrboda being active at the same time would indicate that I was wrong about only one incarnation being active at once. No you are quite right, Angrboda, Cethlann and the Greek Tragedy betrayed Duncan in the deepest way possible.  Mother and Crone and Lastly Maiden did something unforgivable in their ritual. They woke a being who was forbidden not understanding or caring that Apophis had already been momentarily roused, And now…

He’s truly and fully awake. They don’t understand what they’ve done and they don’t care…. They think they can control it. How so very… foolish.

Our chapter ends with...well, good news: angels aren't extinct.

Bad news: they're pointing weapons at Logan.

Maybe we'll see how that shakes out next time.

[InvidiaRed]

From GeorgeGlass on January 05, 2024

"Jotunheimr Christmas" by InvidiaRed

I will say that I did not find this an easy story to follow. But I liked the bits about Aten (whose sleazeball tendencies reminded me of his IRL proponent Akhenaten, King Tut's dad) and the idea of the World Serpent being a protector of humanity. 

To stare into the depths and inspire a chained god just by living.  Prophecies are potent but not invincible

[InvidiaRed]

From GeorgeGlass on November 05, 2024

"Tears of a Deadworld" by InvidiaRed

I like the idea of a decoy cockpit on the ship. And I liked the contrast between “gardens of tasteful bone” and “forests of gore.” I guess everything's relative.

I wanted to have a twist. The decoy I’ve always wanted to do!

 

The gardens of bone is closest to bonsai pruning. I wanted to showcase how while amelio is human, he is from an entirely different…. Flowering or branching off if that makes sense. Human but completely alien mindset.

Humanity did not spring up all at once. In all likely hood the ice age probably wiped out the unluckier earlier groupings, as did predation and the other homid subspecies who were better suited to megafuna oriented environs.

Amelio found it incredibly easy to infiltrate as aside from one complete indivisible difference, Nothing short of an in-depth genetic analysis would turn up anything. The ability to create, manipulate and alter supernatural phenomena.

Magic. Amelio’s people simply had another option on the tech tree and aren’t as dependent on mundane tech for solutions. Some really are reality warpers.

This is a case where their power is closest to Marvel and the Dresden files. Amelio’s colony that he presides over made him the best candidate as they have successfully managed to blend Magic and Tech into Magitech.

While humanity has managed to populate the solar system, they would be dismayed to learn, not only are they not the first to leave their cradle world. They aren’t even remotely close to catching up to their brethren and their vast territories. These nearest colonies such as Amelio’s could be considered the rearguard and the protectors of their cradle world.