2017 Halloween Party Review Replies and Discussion

[Tahn]

Howdy guys, did you get a review on your Halloween story and wanna respond? Or do you just wanna chat with your fellow peeps about your stories or what have you? Here’s the place to do it. 

This forum post is for the Halloween Party currently taking place over here – http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108780

 

Enjoy

[Desiderius Price]

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CloverReef on Bones, by Desiderius Price

Though I often found myself confused by the dialogue, I found this story pretty entertaining. It's a great concept and you do it with a lot of originality. I'd love to see more about the reverend lol. And I noticed your sound effects. I like the way you throw those in. Makes it nicely jarring and moves the scene along at a great pace. 

Two likely causes for the dialogue issues, 1) there were some references to Dale’s Game while also trying to avoid major spoilers, and 2) I revised it multiple times, so it was very easy for bits of dialogue to have gotten “lost”… apologies there, maybe another beta would’ve helped, or perhaps I was perilously close to that over-revision effect.   But yeah, it was a fun thing to write, overall.  Yes...yes *twiddles fingers in a menacing fashion*  Father Jordan, one of my concepts I was mulling over would’ve involved him and gone deep into Minor1 territory.    And, thank you for the review.

[CloverReef]

1 minute ago, Desiderius Price said:

Two likely causes for the dialogue issues, 1) there were some references to Dale’s Game while also trying to avoid major spoilers, and 2) I revised it multiple times, so it was very easy for bits of dialogue to have gotten “lost”… apologies there, maybe another beta would’ve helped, or perhaps I was perilously close to that over-revision effect.   But yeah, it was a fun thing to write, overall.  Yes...yes *twiddles fingers in a menacing fashion*  Father Jordan, one of my concepts I was mulling over would’ve involved him and gone deep into Minor1 territory.    And, thank you for the review.

Not a fan of minor fics, buuuut I would still totally read that kuz I loooove naughty priests/reverends/whatever. 

[Desiderius Price]

4 minutes ago, CloverReef said:

Not a fan of minor fics, buuuut I would still totally read that kuz I loooove naughty priests/reverends/whatever. 

Naughty priests, yeah, pretty much a given in my universe.   Hmm… maybe something for the Holiday story?

 

[CloverReef]

Thank you for the lovely review @Desiderius Price! I’m glad you enjoyed it  Blue Eyes being my fiftieth (slight exaggeration) attempt at a Halloween fic, I’m just glad it was coherent! 

[GeorgeGlass]

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From Desiderius_Price on October 25, 2017

Black Cat - George Glass

Cat got your pen?  Nice.

 

Thanks!

[GeorgeGlass]

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From CloverReef on October 25, 2017

Review of Black Cat by GeorgGlass

This is so sweet. I pumped my fist hard (mentally) at But misfortune finds the guilty, so
They all got hurt, or died"

Love that line. Seriously. I work at an animal shelter and we got more black cats than anything, so it's really close to my heart if you know what I mean. Luckily there are people out there who love em.

That actually is what inspired me to write it. All four of my cats are foundlings (probably abandoned), and three of the four are black.

BTW, if you want to see a whole bunch of adorable pictures, just Google “black kittens.”

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Awesome poem!

Thank you!

[KoKoa_B]

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Wow, that was hot! I love how subtle your language is. You are able to make it incredibly hot and graphic without being blunt or vulgar about it. Like sometimes it feels like you're using suggestion alone, and that's amazing. I could visualize the sex scene perfectly.

What was her name, Jamila? She was a bit frustrating, constantly needing to be reassured while she was sober. I kept wanting her and Eric to just frigging do it, lol! Like they both clearly wanted to! Shower scene was both super hot and super frustrating because of it. And fuck Tu'van sounds like an insanely hot character, but I guess I have a soft spot for the big dudes... I mean in stature, not schlong... I swear.

Lovely job, KoKoa <3

 

Thanks, Clover! Maybe that’s my problem: I was never subtle with my sex scenes until this story. And the reason why Jamila is the way she is will be explained later because my plunnies decided that this wasn’t enough at 10k… 

I’m so glad you found Tu’Van hot  because I thought that I could do a bit more with him… story and description-wise.

[KoKoa_B]

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Liquid Lust – Overall, good, was expecting a morning after “I’m pregnant”. One concrit, slightly tough to follow w/o having read your other stories (I know this challenge too).

To be honest, you don’t need to follow my other stories because this one has nothing to do with them, in a manner of speaking. My original draft did because it, of course, used Justice League and DC characters. But revised to be original and there’s no connection except with Tabitha and Jamila. But, then I felt that enough was explained away in order to follow this.

Nah: didn’t want to go with that cliche lol pregnancy will only water things down for this  

[Desiderius Price]

17 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

To be honest, you don’t need to follow my other stories because this one has nothing to do with them, in a manner of speaking. My original draft did because it, of course, used Justice League and DC characters. But revised to be original and there’s no connection except with Tabitha and Jamila. But, then I felt that enough was explained away in order to follow this.

Nah: didn’t want to go with that cliche lol pregnancy will only water things down for this  

Found myself having to reread a couple of sections, maybe I was reading too fast.

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Bones by Desiderius_Price:

Unfortunately, your tags drew me away from the story so I wasn’t able to read it, knowing what would be in store…

 

Aw, so I made it too scary?  Thanks for the praise

 

[CloverReef]

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Blue Eyes by CloverReef:

*shudders * What a way to go. I… don’t know how I felt it would go. Like, it was expected but wasn’t. I really liked Crispin and hated he was treated that way. It was good to see that he got his revenge… no matter how gruesome… lol

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Thank you @KoKoa_B! I'm glad you liked Crispin. I think that's what I was worried most about: that he was likeable and that the reader would still sympathise with him even if he saw the world in a, perhaps, unrelatable way. 

[Desiderius Price]

On 10/26/2017 at 3:17 AM, CloverReef said:

Thank you for the lovely review @Desiderius Price! I’m glad you enjoyed it  Blue Eyes being my fiftieth (slight exaggeration) attempt at a Halloween fic, I’m just glad it was coherent! 

I went through a number of attempts myself, before I settled on the one I did write.  Some even had more naughty priests than this one did.

[GeorgeGlass]

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Black Cat by GeorgeGlass:

I love this poem and the way you captured all the superstitions of being a black cat. I’m glad it ended the way it did

 

Thanks! And the ending was actually the first part I came up with; the rest of the poem was all about getting to it.

[CloverReef]

Thank you for the review @GeorgeGlass ! I dunno why, but all my Halloween ideas this year involved some asshole victimizing the wrong dude. I usually like the survival horrors best! Oh well, might as well go with the flow! 

[Desiderius Price]

So, how many have I scared with just story tags?

[KoKoa_B]

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That was some nicely hot action between Jamila and Tu'Van. Too bad that neither Jamila nor Eric ended up getting what they wanted in the end, but maybe they'll overcome their rocky beginning. I'll confess to having been a little distracted by the knowledge that these were renamed DC characters; I kept trying to figure out who each of them was. Tu'Van and Eric were obviously Martian Manhunter and Bruce Wayne, but I never guessed who the women were.

Thanks, George! And sorry for the delay in response. Blame Tahn and the others who come up with these “parties” that I have to switch names around in order for it to be original lol! The two women, however, are my own characters and their names have been the same in every story they’re featured in  Jamila and Eric will get what they want… maybe… I’m working on it… >.>

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Simple and great.

 thank you, DP! I don’t do gruesome or horror but was itching because no one died in Liquid Lust lololol

[CloverReef]

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From pippychick on November 12, 2017

CloverReef - Blue Eyes

Every time I read something of yours, I'm so envious of your talent. This is perfect in so many ways. I mean, zombies? Oh, yes! But... what you did to me here. I mean, you left me hungry. Not necessarily for the tag you'd have needed to add for it, but for something to go Crispin's way.

The way you wrote this, you had me on his side so far that reality doesn't matter. Reality is harsh and cruel and not worth the time it takes. His boss is a perfect illustration, and yet, his boss (aside from the horrendous sexual abuse) is kind of right, isn't he? About Crispin's misplaced concern for the dead, instead of the living? Crispin is kind of creepy. I wouldn't want him hanging around my dead relatives.

Yes... in that way, he's right, but you made it so that I didn't want what was right. I didn't want reality. That's what I love most about this. You made me want it, and you didn't give it to me. You gave me horror, yes, but the true horror is leaving me with my own thoughts afterwards. Yet I still love you. Skilfully done. Bravo!

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@pippychick Sad thing is, I wanted something to go Crispin’s way too, and I didn’t give it to myself! After I finished this story I kept getting these ideas about things I could do with him, but then I’d remember how the story ended so I couldn’t. Course, I could set it before the story, but who likes going back in time (Besides every historical fiction writer and reader ever, including me...)? 

I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I honestly didn’t think most people would. Not because of typical writer neurosis, but because it was kinda a weird story where the character development and interactions were all a little off. I wanted to write something like those creepy little stop-motion horror shorts that aren’t particularly scary but are often very artsy and weird in a way reminiscent of nightmares. Most people I know hate those things, but I adore em. Thank you so much for the thought-provoking review <3

[Desiderius Price]

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From pippychick on November 12, 2017
 

Desiderious Price - Bones

I really tried. Got partway through. Can handle all your tags except the scat. I hate that. For what it's worth, what I did read was all right. When they turned up at the party was good, and that sense of wanting in. Don't be afraid to really go for that. I could have handled more of that teasing, just there.

Another one too scared to finished… guess that’s a sign of a good halloween story!     Thank you for reviewing what you did read, and yes, I did go in deeper than I had ever before with story tags.

[pippychick]

25 minutes ago, Desiderius Price said:

Another one too scared to finished… guess that’s a sign of a good halloween story!     Thank you for reviewing what you did read, and yes, I did go in deeper than I had ever before with story tags.

lol… well, you know I can handle it if it’s mild. I did get as far as the necrophilia. I’d say without the scat, I’d probably have been able to give a pretty positive review of that. The death scenes were nicely violent. He’s got some kind of religious freakery going on, hasn’t he? Can’t help feeling that first girl was lucky she didn’t go with. Or maybe the campsite had an effect on him? Hard to know, probably because I didn’t make it to the end. Yeah… it just got to the point that I couldn’t see through it, if you know what I mean?

[Desiderius Price]

1 minute ago, pippychick said:

lol… well, you know I can handle it if it’s mild. I did get as far as the necrophilia. I’d say without the scat, I’d probably have been able to give a pretty positive review of that. The death scenes were nicely violent. He’s got some kind of religious freakery going on, hasn’t he? Can’t help feeling that first girl was lucky she didn’t go with. Or maybe the campsite had an effect on him? Hard to know, probably because I didn’t make it to the end. Yeah… it just got to the point that I couldn’t see through it, if you know what I mean?

The scat part’s pretty short, once you’re past that, it gets…  well, not spoiling it for others.   (I didn’t really feel like marking up with signs “scat start here!” and “scat ends here!”.)   I do intend to bring that particular character back in the future, so this story was character development, to a degree.

 

[pippychick]

4 minutes ago, Desiderius Price said:

The scat part’s pretty short, once you’re past that, it gets…  well, not spoiling it for others.   (I didn’t really feel like marking up with signs “scat start here!” and “scat ends here!”.)   I do intend to bring that particular character back in the future, so this story was character development, to a degree.

 

Well, I went back, and it seems I wasn’t that far off the end, after all. And you were right, I ducked out at the worst bit, just as it was about to be over, lol.

So all in all, good. I can’t decide whether the actual adults in this world (I know this is Minor2, and really your characters are old enough for me to think of them as young adults, but for the sake of argument, I’m on about the old people) are just as fucked up and believe all this stuff, or if they’re kind of sinister. I’m going with sinister. Oh, and I still think that campsite had a lot to do with it. Take one mentally unstable young man, add a dash of terror (because that kind of place does bring terror, whether you’d be up for admitting to it or not), and this could easily be the result.

No one likes to hang around dead people except for slightly creepy mortuary attendants…

[Desiderius Price]

5 minutes ago, pippychick said:

Well, I went back, and it seems I wasn’t that far off the end, after all. And you were right, I ducked out at the worst bit, just as it was about to be over, lol.

So all in all, good. I can’t decide whether the actual adults in this world (I know this is Minor2, and really your characters are old enough for me to think of them as young adults, but for the sake of argument, I’m on about the old people) are just as fucked up and believe all this stuff, or if they’re kind of sinister. I’m going with sinister. Oh, and I still think that campsite had a lot to do with it. Take one mentally unstable young man, add a dash of terror (because that kind of place does bring terror, whether you’d be up for admitting to it or not), and this could easily be the result.

No one likes to hang around dead people except for slightly creepy mortuary attendants…

I don’t mind the handholding readers through the worst of it.  (Tags tend to be blunt instruments, no distinction between a few snow flakes and a blizzard, but that’s a digression for another day.)  Also, I tend to write minor2’s as young adults.  And I love to mess up my characters   [as an example from Dale’s Game, Dorcia’s family tree has some ingrowth to it.]  

In this universe, priests do tend to be pedophiles, so I’ll let you work that out with the Reverend, but he also does believe at least some of what he’s saying, or at least in what he’s trying to achieve in the long run, ignoring his fetish for Altar boys.  I do have plans to explore some of this in Dolbourne Chronicles, which I’ll get back to after I finish “the repair guy” … it’s a convoluted journey, and I enjoy writing these oneshots to focus on a narrow bit of plot/character development.

Thanks for the feedback, and I’ll let you have fun with the mortuary attendants..

 

[pippychick]

2 minutes ago, Desiderius Price said:

Thanks for the feedback, and I’ll let you have fun with the mortuary attendants..

Oh, the mortuary attendant belongs to CloverReef. Honestly, I’d steal him in a heartbeat, but he’s a zombie now, and I’m alive. It’d never work.

[BronxWench]

 

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From pippychick on November 12, 2017
 

BronxWench - The Price of the Land

Ah, I have been looking forward to this! And you did not disappoint.

There are stone circles littered throughout the countryside in the UK. Big ones, small ones, forgotten ones, fallen down ones... lots and lots of them. I'm not sure what's it's like in Ireland, but here most people walk up to the them with the same sense of baffled wonder as a caveman discovering a bus shelter. Even local people. It doesn't make sense without the bus. Stone circles don't make sense without their context, and we've forgotten that, but what you've conjured here works wonderfully well. And it is very fitting.

I can't blame Connor for his sense of self-preservation, even if it does come off as a bit cowardly. He did summon them, after all. Even after hearing all those stories from his Gran.

I'm still not sure he got the better option though. I mean, in years to come, he'll need to save his life by encouraging people to attend with him on Samhain. That will get more difficult as he gets older, unless he establishes some kind of touristy ghost walk or something. Though the village is small, and it doesn't seem like an option. Perhaps he'll be bled to death eventually anyway. He'll just get longer to anticipate it. I don't envy him.

Maybe he'll start to hear the banshee wailing at him in the days and nights leading up to the night of the offering each year. That would be a fitting punishment, I think, for his abandonment of the others.

Brilliant!

 

Thank you!  

I do have fun with the old stories, and the legends which always seem to me to have a basis in truth. It’s funny, but I think, with all our modern sensibilities, when we come face to face with the other side, we all turn a bit craven. We’re no longer accustomed to dealing with it. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, though.

And having heard the family Bain Sidhe once in my life, I think it would be a fitting punishment for Connor were she to visit him on behalf of those he’s led to their doom, one way or another, because no one ever returns from the barrows… 

[BronxWench]

 

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From KoKoa_B on November 05, 2017
 

The Price of the Land:

That was awesome! Now, I want to know what happens to the "tributes" as well as who and how many Connor brings each year. I'm going to assume that the others hauled ass out the village because they're a bunch to likely squeal, therefore no tributes for Connor. 

Unless no one in the village believes them. And they go with Connor willingly to see if it happens again. Either way: I wanna know what happens next!

 

Thank you!

We have all sorts of stories about what happens to those who follow the Sidhe into the barrows… absolutely none of them end well. Actually, very little in Irish lore ends well, when you think about it. We’re a desperately morbid lot.

But they may decide to let me tell the rest of it. You never know.