Overcoming Negativity: Advice and Thoughts?

[Tcr]

So, in the recent weeks, while not negativity strictly speaking, I have been given some pretty harsh advice and a questionable PM elsewhere. This has led to a pretty downward spiral, admittedly.  Yet, this has got me thinking…

Everyone has dealt with harsh criticism from people.  What advice would you give others, especially newcomers, in regards to this?  How have you dealt with things like that in the past?

In my case, I am glad to have such good supportive friends to turn to and I'm glad to have this circle of writers.  Good friends who often slap me upside the head (metal baseball bats included); being able to talk to them is definitely a plus.  Being able to come here helps, too.

Many times, it's good, old fashioned mayhem; death, destruction, blowing things up, beating the bloody hell out of people...   That helps, too.

Hopefully this tread can help others...

[BronxWench]

I think we’ve all been on the end of advice which makes us feel uncertain about our work, and often ourselves. As writers, we invest a great deal of ourselves in what we write, and while most of us understand we’re not perfect, we’d rather not be berated or scoffed at in the guise of helpful advice.

I keep in mind the relative anonymity of the Internet, and the way it can bring out the baser sides of people who are otherwise probably quite decent. It’s astonishingly easy to level invective at someone you will never meet face to face, someone whose reality is still abstract at best. I reverse that for myself, and remind myself that this person doesn’t know me, or my life, and if they are projecting something from their own life onto me, it’s not something I need to own. I am responsible at the end of the day for the people around me, who I love, and who make my life worth living.

The words leveled at me or at my work across the ether of the electronic universe are only as valid as I allow them to be. If they contain sincere and constructive criticism, I’ll embrace them. I might not incorporate all of the critique, but I will welcome it in the spirit of wanting to grow as a writer. If they are mean-spirited, and designed to make me doubt myself, I’m sufficiently thick-skinned enough to let them slide past. That’s not always a helpful bit of advice, since words have a great deal of power to wound. We’re writers, after all, and we understand that. But words leveled at me which are designed to hurt my confidence rarely have that effect if they come from a relative stranger. I just write that person off as trivial, and move on.

[Desiderius Price]

8 minutes ago, BronxWench said:

I think we’ve all been on the end of advice which makes us feel uncertain about our work, and often ourselves. As writers, we invest a great deal of ourselves in what we write, and while most of us understand we’re not perfect, we’d rather not be berated or scoffed at in the guise of helpful advice.

I keep in mind the relative anonymity of the Internet, and the way it can bring out the baser sides of people who are otherwise probably quite decent. It’s astonishingly easy to level invective at someone you will never meet face to face, someone whose reality is still abstract at best. I reverse that for myself, and remind myself that this person doesn’t know me, or my life, and if they are projecting something from their own life onto me, it’s not something I need to own. I am responsible at the end of the day for the people around me, who I love, and who make my life worth living.

The words leveled at me or at my work across the ether of the electronic universe are only as valid as I allow them to be. If they contain sincere and constructive criticism, I’ll embrace them. I might not incorporate all of the critique, but I will welcome it in the spirit of wanting to grow as a writer. If they are mean-spirited, and designed to make me doubt myself, I’m sufficiently thick-skinned enough to let them slide past. That’s not always a helpful bit of advice, since words have a great deal of power to wound. We’re writers, after all, and we understand that. But words leveled at me which are designed to hurt my confidence rarely have that effect if they come from a relative stranger. I just write that person off as trivial, and move on.

At times, it’s easier said than done.  I’ve been getting negative as of late myself when I see that hit counter trapped in quicksand and a dearth of reviews...

[BronxWench]

3 minutes ago, Desiderius Price said:

At times, it’s easier said than done.  I’ve been getting negative as of late myself when I see that hit counter trapped in quicksand and a dearth of reviews...

As I said, it’s not always helpful advice, because it’s hard to let go of the negativity in those words. But at the end of the day, the person leveling those harsh words at you doesn’t know you. They are simply lashing out in a tantrum, and the why of it is largely not relevant. What is relevant is not giving them the power over you that they seek.

[CloverReef]

When I get harsh criticism, I get angry. What I consider a healthy anger. I vent to people I trust, I write angry letters I will never send, and I don’t allow myself to direct that anger at myself. After a healthy dose of venting, I find it easier to move on. By move on, I mean I can focus on other things, not that I forgive and/or forget, because I definitely don’t do that lol. I hold grudges… lol. 

I like to think I’m confident in my writing. I have very specific standards for myself that might get me frustrated and upset at times, but I’m confident of what those standards produce. But criticism does get to me. Of course, the silence gets to me. I question myself and tear myself apart when I produce something that is received with silence. And my healthy anger can quickly turn unhealthy when harsh criticism starts coming from all directions and the people I try to vent to, as you’ve been experiencing. I think it’s natural to spiral. It’s natural to want to pull everything and hide from the anonymous and not-so-anonymous assholes and friends that made you look at the work you used to love with panic and discomfort. 

Some writers allow it to crush them, and I think it’s so heartbreaking when that happens. I think sometimes it helps to analyze the opposition to death. To slather it in a thick layer of logic until you see it all as rudimentary shapes and you can pick and choose what advice will help you grow and what advice is only meant to sabotage you, and what advice was just someone else projecting their own insecurities. Or, if you can’t fathom creating that emotional distance, you could physically distance yourself from the things and/or people who are hurting you the most. Block them, take a week break from the story you’re feeling icky about until the ickiness fades a little: make changes that make you feel better about the situation. 

Whatever you decide to do, I got your back. 

Edit: Oh and “Invective” is now my word of the week. 

Edited July 19, 2017 by CloverReef

[BronxWench]

Honestly, I get angry when friends of mine are subjected to cyber-abuse. I’m much more likely to pursue options to see them blocked or banned entirely in that circumstance. For myself, I’m much more prone to snubbing the trivial wretches.

[Desiderius Price]

Silence vs abuse… tough call to either.  I just know it’s frustrating when the dragon print counter budges up less and less after each chapter post w/o a review or other feedback.  Are people going on summer break and not reading?  Or, does the story suck?  Those are the thoughts that can go through one’s head.

[CloverReef]

2 minutes ago, Desiderius Price said:

Silence vs abuse… tough call to either.  I just know it’s frustrating when the dragon print counter budges up less and less after each chapter post w/o a review or other feedback.  Are people going on summer break and not reading?  Or, does the story suck?  Those are the thoughts that can go through one’s head.

Oh yeah, that is definitely a brutal little slice of limbo to be stuck in. I won’t lie, I’ve dropped and pulled way more stories because of silence than I have because of crit. Tried to read the minds of the readers and it turns out my imagination is an asshat. Hell, I even pulled stories that got tepid responses that I would now kill to receive lol. 

[SirGeneralSir]

assuming that the person isnt just flaming you 

i try to take what they have to say into consideration, if its viable feed back, though some people can get heated over simple things too.

one example i have is that in my current fan fic, I have characters that are somewhat out of character, and many people do not like that an established character changes in some of the ways that they are.

“How could you write that X does A with out any remorse, thats not who they are” etc etc etc

YOU as the writer have no obligation to listen to what anyone has to say ….. unless its legal based then, might want to listen a bit more.

YOU have the story in mind, what direction you want to go in, what the characters are going to deal with and so on, the readers, unless they have inside info know none of it so realistically they can stick it.

I try to listen to what people have to say though, make sure that their pov doesn't have a point, and even if it does, its still your story.

[Desiderius Price]

Silence is worse, because it’s tough to discern what the point is, other than coming to the conclusion that nobody’s interested in reading it.

[SirGeneralSir]

silence is annoying, but if you have X number of chapters, and the number of “dragon prints” is increasing, i tend to take that as a sign people like it. 

[Desiderius Price]

8 hours ago, SirGeneralSir said:

silence is annoying, but if you have X number of chapters, and the number of “dragon prints” is increasing, i tend to take that as a sign people like it. 

Normally I do take it like that, but that increase has been dropping per chapter, so w/o reviews, that’s the *only* feedback that I have. 

 

[SirGeneralSir]

you also have to consider the time of year, i expect 0 during the summer months because people go camping, they travel to wherever, and generally try to do things they cant during the rest of the year.

between summer and winter, ive seen more come in, based on the seasons. 

[Desiderius Price]

Still, when it gets to you, it gets to you.  In my case, I just didn’t feel like posting this weekend.  I’ve got the material, just needed that final read-through and it’d be good to post, but I just didn’t feel like it.  Maybe next weekend. 

[Anesor]

One of the hardest things is to take a time out when someone has completely misunderstood something. Bit rephrasing it when the upset is at its highest, I think is more likely to get the other even more upset. I’m not letting it go, as I’m upset they took something wrong, but I can’t really find out why they took it wrong. It’s so hard not to jump on the exchange, though...

[Desiderius Price]

3 hours ago, Anesor said:

One of the hardest things is to take a time out when someone has completely misunderstood something. Bit rephrasing it when the upset is at its highest, I think is more likely to get the other even more upset. I’m not letting it go, as I’m upset they took something wrong, but I can’t really find out why they took it wrong. It’s so hard not to jump on the exchange, though...

I’ve been active on this thread because I do have a tough time overcoming negativity, especially silence.  Last week, it got to me, and so I didn’t post my chapter because I just didn’t feel like it.  Instead, I decided to wait a week to do so, and was over it just enough yesterday to do the post. 

Now, my stories are nearly a full set of warning tags, so intellectually, I know that many potential readers will move on, however, when that dragon print counter barely budges, it still affects me.

[Anesor]

Apathy from readers isn’t exactly negative, though it makes me feel very negative about my writing. I live (writer-wise) for a thoughtful comments and chatter from readers, positive or even negative. (I admit some commenters are harder to understand from language usage)  Next best are raw hits and likes, they just don’t give the same validation. Apathy is almost being gaslighted by your own work, leaving doubt and angst.

I thought finishing a finale chapter this month would not be an issue, but RL+story block/angst+reader quiet makes it a struggle. If struggle with a story goes on too long, I start a new one, often humor or parody.

[Desiderius Price]

52 minutes ago, Anesor said:

Apathy from readers isn’t exactly negative, though it makes me feel very negative about my writing. I live (writer-wise) for a thoughtful comments and chatter from readers, positive or even negative. (I admit some commenters are harder to understand from language usage)  Next best are raw hits and likes, they just don’t give the same validation. Apathy is almost being gaslighted by your own work, leaving doubt and angst.

I thought finishing a finale chapter this month would not be an issue, but RL+story block/angst+reader quiet makes it a struggle. If struggle with a story goes on too long, I start a new one, often humor or parody.

True, apathy’s not positive either.  I’ve been recording raw hits, so normally that helps, but I was seeing the hits-between-chapters die off, so that’s where the negativity really started to kick in.  However, some people have observed a taper off during summer, and that’s likely the case, just ignoring it is easier said than done.

And finish that chapter so you can mark it as “Complete”

 

[InvidiaRed]

Negativity happens however, You cannot and must not let negative remarks chip away at something that makes you happy. Its not the end of the world if someone absolutely hates your work. It’ll hurt but its just one review. If you want more reviews promote your story.

1. Do not compare yourself to anyone. You are you.
2. If grammer and incorrect words are dragging your story down. Try a beta
3. Your story is as valid as anyone else’s. Don't ever think for a moment that your story does not have worth.
4. Don’t compare your stories to others.
5. Harsh Criticism is inherent in writing. But don't forget you the writer are often the worst critic of all.
6.  Is there anything constructive in that criticism or is it just straight up trolling/flaming. Some people are weirdly harsh when they want the author to improve.
7. You aren’t perfect. You are going to make mistakes. Criticism loses most of its bite when you accept this. Rephrase or clarify but don’t ever stop writing.
8. Always strive to grow, do better
9. Don’t lose sight of why you are writing this story.
10. Allow your story to be itself.

 

[Desiderius Price]

The best medicine for me, is to typically rant a bit about it, usually in the chat box, when I’m feeling negative.  Happens in bouts.  In my case, readership is lower because I’ve made a habit of story tag bingo which can scare off the squeamish.