JayDee's (TV) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[JayDee]

General review reply thread for any stories in the TV subdomain by JD. That's me. Hi.

Story Fuck Tradition! written for the AFF prompt tradition, and based on an old, obscure, but pretty funny British sitcom!

Apollo Thank you for your review. I like that some traditions are worthwhile and useful or simply non harmful, and some are not - but people are always going to have different ideas on which are which. Bucking the trend is good! I fixed the "far" typo. Thanks Regarding the Asian description - Maggie is of Pakistani descent. I tried writing the story using the British terms for things as much as possible (I normally try for American) and for Brits using "Asian" eg on census forms normally describes South Asian immigrants (Indians, Pakistanis, Bangledeshis and a few others) and their descendants because those were the largest Asian immigrant groups to Britain. Wikipedia has some sourced info: British Asians.

Fairy Slayer: Thank you also for your review - I fixed the typo, thanks! Yeah, would've had to re-write something if it pushed it over 1000 so the breathing room worked out good There was a bit of a joke in one episode where Maggie was on about her sister being really traditional and boringly dedicated to her studies, when the sister turns up, she's instead even more of a rebel than Maggie's promiscuity. Gotta love a cheap pun If I'd tried for American terms, I could have had another hose/hose gag maybe... ahh well.

Edited October 31, 2018 by JayDee

[ApolloImperium]

Hey - I learned something I didn't know! *files it away for future reference*

[JayDee]

"And Knowing Is Half The Battle" [/GI Joe]

Reply to review on Fuck Tradition!

pittwitch - Thanks kindly for the review. Everyone's got a different sense of humor! I for one enjoy really lame puns and barely funny wordplay. I hoped there was enough detail to cover some minor background. It can be a problem in a flashfic. This is probably the most obscure fandom I've ever done a story for - I have this friend who's a total fanpuppy for the actor Rowan Atkinson (of the Mr Bean movies and the Blackadder sitcom with House's Hugh Laurie), which is how come I got to see the show.

[JayDee]

Pillow! Easily the hardest prompt yet. I couldn't think of much of anything so basically shoehorned a virtually generic tentacled beasty into a pillow. Initially I had the idea to do Screech from Saved by the Bell, but I found it hard to start, so I ended up asking "What kind of person would put a tentacle in a pillow?" and, well, The Mattress King sounds like he could be a third string Batman villain, of the themed weapon variety. And he kinda had a reason to dislike Chandler, so there was that, too. The only people who really hate Screech are the rest of the SBTB cast. They can't stand him or the actor, apparantly.

...then again the only fanfiction I ever paid another author for had a chapter of Screech getting killed by the zombie version of Lisa so... uh...

Crazy Pillow Talk, the Friends fanfiction I hold up my hands and say "I did my best!"

pittwitch Thank you for your review. Drop the suck and I guess it's a lot more like Joey in high school (and present. and future.) Who do you know that you want turning into a woman? It's not Hillary Clinton is it?

Apollo Thank you for your review. I hear the way to keep them on your side is to leave them chocolates. Apparantly all the hotels do it.

Fairy Slayer: Thank you for your review. First draft he just threw the pillow on the bed, but when I was fixing it up I thought about the Pillow getting into the bed on its own, I had the soundtrack from one of the old Loony Toon sneak scenes in my head, thought of it stopping, looking around, scooting forward, all with the old style music It doesn't translate well to the flashfic format but I'm guessing you had much the same mental image!

I think his power doesn't have to be that great. Human self delusion is very powerful on its own, much like how when you read something you half the time read what you expect instead of what's there. It's hardest with his closest friends or family, but the sheer presense of female Chandler convinced she's always been that way would do a lot (especially if the transformation included some kinda gullability pheremone for the weak minded ) while Phoebe being both psychic (she was shown hearing Joey's tune in his head once), and also crazy in the kind of way it'd be hard to control, would see through it. When she says it though, they figure it's like the "This cat is my Mom" craziness. Then, for people he didn't know well, or hardly saw, they'd maybe assume he had a sex change or that he was someone else and they'd got mixed up with the other Chandler. Stuff like that.

The Janice thing I actually had more detail on at the start, because when I started writing it I had stuff about how he'd been drawn to Janice initially because of her laugh reminding him of the music of the pit, while she liked him for his flashy style - it wasn't a relationship he pressured her mind into accepting. So I figured that while it was just a case of them drifting apart in their relationship it wasn't an affront to him, and if they'd actually split up without anyone else involved it wouldn't have bothered him as he too moved on to a new mate - but with her getting it on with Chandler while still married (demons might like wearing horns, but probably not the cuckold's kind...) it enraged his pride and made him jealous and want her back, so he brought her back to him. Had to trim a lot from the first paragraphs to get onto the Pillow action. Flashfics be a harsh mistress.

As for Janice and new-Chandler getting together, I think he'd be in favour as long as he hadn't heard about Ross's first wife getting together with another woman

...this weirdly long review reply is probably a good indicator of how much Janice stuff I cut, hope it's not too waffly

[pittwitch]

LOL JayDee, naw, not thinking of Hillary at this point but a very noxious person I'm dealing with personally. Off to call the Mattress King!

[JayDee]

When better than the January sales - "Twice the tentacles, half the price!"

Also,

Thanks BronxWench for your review of Crazy Pillow Talk. I'll leave a twist off next time, and that'll be the twist... heh - could be worse about the teddy, look at poor Calvin, I hear his tiger turned maneater.

[JayDee]

Thank you Shadow Knight for your review on Crazy Pillow Talk - I kinda want to write more Chandler is a girl stuff... it shouldn't be the end, it should be a new beginning! (Female Chandler x Ross & Joey would be a hot threesome... damnit).

[JayDee]

AlexandraS90

Thank you! I thought it must've been a trick of the eyes when I saw some Amy Pond snuff, but thankfully, I was wrong.

I loved the dog having to be pulled away from Amy's crotch (who wouldn't?)

Great work.

Thank you kindly for your review on on my Doctor Who story Kill-O-Gram. Dogs can be even more curious than cats when out walking I'm glad you enjoyed it.

AlexandraS90

Kaylee getting snuffed? I'll be in my bunk.

Heh, and ceiling River will watch you

Thanks also for your comment on my Firefly Fanfiction Taking the Sky from Kaylee

Weirdly enough I just recently saw an odd and amusing conversation about that story (link here - its right down the bottom) while vanity searching on google. Some folks talk about the strangest things

Edited March 9, 2011 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Carry Ace written for Embrangle, had an idea for a tentacle story as a fan work for Ghastly's comic, with the anti-human-sex monster being tricked into a sexual situation from being persuaded to agree to embrangle someone without realising the full implications. Problem was, just wasn't funny. So I went with something that didn't try to be funny. I figured with the content warnings it would not get a review (maybe a flame), but once again I reckoned without BronxWench's iron prompt-reading stomach.

BronxWench:

Oh, I don't know... I wouldn't call it bad writing at all. It was actually quite vivid, and while the final bit of humiliation did actually make me squirm a bit, it worked too well within the story for me to protest. But talk about a fate worse than death...

Thanks for your review - I'm sure the Master is once again underestimating the Doctor, who would presumably be able to fully reverse/have reversed the procedures and probably block it from Ace's memory too. The Seventh Doctor wouldn't shy from that, with his extra-manipulative streak The Master once had somebody eaten by an alien chair, so this is pretty mild for him I do think the writing seemed a little choppy and cliche, which is one of the reasons I've tended to avoid writing this sort of thing for a while to try and see if writing more varied things would help.

[JayDee]

The Embrocation prompt - Lady Cassandra's Erotic Embrocation - I was *this* close to writing another Harry/Minerva story. Erotic massage and so on. My aim is to write the five stories that would get them a pairing catagory. Then do the same for Dobby/Giant Squid. Ahem. Lady C appeared very early on in the Doctor Who revival and had a follow up episode, and she really was pretty damn snobbish and, basically, thoroughly evilly unpleasant. I think it was while I was skulling around TVtropes I saw something 'minded me that a) she's mostly just skin and b) needs moisturising. Seemed appropriate. Um. Only downside is doing two stories for the same fandom in a row on the prompts. Ahh well, 29 bloody weeks I was already getting repetitive. 29 flashfics, plus a few other things I have managed... except for the under-a-fortnight in which I wrote my great big assed movie crossover this has probably been my most productive period as a writer...

Um. again. Review replies.

Kerantli Dreamer

Well, I had wondered if Lady Cassandra was going to be used, and she used the men instead. really good prompt though, perhaps I shouldn't have read it just before I go to bed though...

Very well written, even if I'm not a Dr Who fan

Thank you for your review - Probably a shame that when you finally grit your teeth and tried something I wrote it was sheet-of-skin bukkake. Some of the stuff I put out is far more normal She's pretty manipulative, though that does seem to be a tendancy of many brain-in-a-jar types.

BronxWench

Ah! I absolutely loved this from start to the patented twist at the finish. Lady Cassandra is a marvelous character, and this may have been the most unique use of the prompt imaginable! ::applauds::

My grateful thanks, as ever, for your review also. It is nice to have a character for an embrocation prompt for whom constant moisturising is a must. Another alternative was BtVS's Balthazar in a Faith/Buffy threesome. That would actually have been less appealing for many readers. She is manipulative, and snobby, and evil but also kinda sympathetic towards the end of the follow up episode. Also, the twist wouldn't be a surprise to anybody who can remember the episode dialogue, but for everyone else, thanks I am glad it works well

[JayDee]

Taking the Sky from Kaylee review:

SladeRaccoon

You are a sick bastard.

Without confirming or denying my parents marital status at my birth, it's a fair assessment and I thank you for it. Unfortunately, being as the review is of me rather than the story, I fear I may have to delete it under the flames guidelines as it takes site staff somewhat longer to do so (and they are cheerfully dedicated to keeping the database for allowed data only, what with size and stability and all). Have yourself a nice day, y'hear!

Edited May 20, 2011 by JayDee

[FairySlayer]

SladeRaccoon

You are a sick bastard.

That only really makes me want to read it, even though I know nothing about Firefly.

[JayDee]

Taking the Sky from Kaylee

wtf

I am seriously disturbed by the mind that came up with this shit.

It refers to the story! I don't have to delete it as a flame! Phew. Unless a moderator tells me different. Thanks for taking the time to leave your thought. I agree it is not the best thing I ever wrote. Shit's probably pretty fair. You think you're disturbed? I have to live with this mind! Then again, an author like Clive Barker would probably describe it as tame and lacking enough gore so... eh.

I kinda get the feeling you'd have been better off not reading it, given the description and codes. If you happen past the forum at any point and see this, I'd recommend you not reading such stories in the future. There's lottsa WAFF out there! Thanks again for your comment!

[DemonGoddess]

nope, not a flame JayDee . Sure, your writing may be disturbing, but it's GOOD writing!

[JayDee]

Yay! an thanks!

[JayDee]

Taking the Sky from Kaylee: The story that comes in around second or third for most repulsively nasty story I ever wrote. Certainly had the most flames, as recorded in the old flames thread.... I'm pretty sure Flaying Solo is the worst, and Bart the Ripper made the dude from toplessrobot drink. It's still pretty awful though - In fact, compared to this Kaylee story, that Harry Potter necro story is positively upbeat and cheerful, and in character. Well, for the prof anyway. The prof sleeps with dead people. The subtext is all there in the books. He's a dwarf on a mission. Ahem. In short, if somebody who didn't know my writing wanted to check it out, I would say avoid it at all costs. I'd say Read 'The Slumber Party of Evil Doom' which is kinda amusing and was absolutely not based on a true story. Nu-uh, not a bit. So, um, whoops. A review

Raymy

Hey JayDee, figured I'd check out a story of yours and chose this because I like Firefly. *shakes head slowly, grimacing* You know, it really doesn't matter what disclaimers you make, if a cat is curious enough, it'll become road kill. That's me. Tire tracks across my blood-matted fur, viscera hanging out, stench of shit. Yeah, I don't think I need to go into my first impressions because I've mentioned to you that I'm not into shock. So, I let it digest for a few days and now, here are my second and third impressions.

Kaylee is strangely naive for a "worldly" traveller. (perhaps a better choice: versely?) She doesn't have a sixth sense. You'd think in the fiction world, she would have known something was hinkey when she stepped in the shop. It's just goes to show that crap shoots out at the most unexpected times, except ... the planet and the type of people who inhabit it should have been foreshadowing if she had half a brain. I'm not saddened by what was done to her, just not good at stomaching the detail. But I was quite thrilled that she rose up with determination, cut off her own hand, cauterized it and took thug #1 out. (or was it thug #2? - I don't really give them the dignity of remembering what order they are mentioned in the story) I thought for a minute that she had become a Reever. (I hope the word and spelling are correct, Its been awhile since I watched) I was kinda hoping she would eat the other one! Ah well, the heroine can't always win and gosh darn it, no one will be able to tell the tale, so she's not even a heroine.

So, I had a reaction, and then I had thoughts, but ... I still prefer not to revisit the torment. I was worried I would have a nightmare, or at the least, a "bad" dream. I didn't. I think I learned something, though. Take the author's warnings to heart. Just like Kaylee, I was naive and thought I could handle anything, even though there was clear foreshadowing. (blatant warnings) I'm just happy I'm still alive to tell my tale.

Thank you for your review. While I wouldn't disagree that it's nasty, and badly characterised, and has atrocious dialogue (which you didn't mention, but it's true) and I have found out that a lot of people will read the story despite the codes, I want to disagree with one point. I think that the tale not being told doesn't make her killing the one guy any less gutsy and heroic! She's a heroine she just doesn't get the glory. The Unknown Engineer!

If she had become a reaver she'd have had to take the time to rape him to death, learn to sew to make clothes from his skin and then cook! Assuming Zoe wasn't exaggerating what they do, those reavers put a lot of effort into their nastiness... I planned a follow up with Zoe at one point, which was going to be a revenge-on-surviving-thug story. With cheese wire. That would have needed a strong warning too....

Anyway, thanks again for the review and joking aside I am sorry you suffered through this story.

[Raymy]

Taking the Sky from Kaylee: The story that comes in around second or third for most repulsively nasty story I ever wrote. Certainly had the most flames, as recorded in the old flames thread.... I'm pretty sure Flaying Solo is the worst, and Bart the Ripper made the dude from toplessrobot drink.

Thanks for the heads up, will definitely avoid those. Actually, I read the summary for Bart the Ripper and immediately decided against. So, I guess codes are all well and good, but specifics in the summary really help. Unfortunately, you may not want to give away "the money shot" in the summary.

It's still pretty awful though - In fact, compared to this Kaylee story, that Harry Potter necro story is positively upbeat and cheerful, and in character. Well, for the prof anyway. The prof sleeps with dead people. The subtext is all there in the books. He's a dwarf on a mission. Ahem. In short, if somebody who didn't know my writing wanted to check it out, I would say avoid it at all costs. I'd say Read 'The Slumber Party of Evil Doom' which is kinda amusing and was absolutely not based on a true story. Nu-uh, not a bit. So, um, whoops.

So, I'll check out Slumber Party. I probably should have asked your recommendation first, especially when I started reading the summaries. But I thought, how bad can it be? The only saving grace is that it's written, and for some reason, that's a little easier on me than a visual representation. I guess my imagination isn't as graphic as some director's could be. When you see real people "acting" out these scenarios, it hits too close to home. The stuff that could be real, probably is real for someone, somewhere, and is my Achilles. Zombies and other fantastical creatures don't worry me. Not gonna happen, you know?

Thank you for your review. While I wouldn't disagree that it's nasty, and badly characterised, and has atrocious dialogue (which you didn't mention, but it's true) and I have found out that a lot of people will read the story despite the codes, I want to disagree with one point. I think that the tale not being told doesn't make her killing the one guy any less gutsy and heroic! She's a heroine she just doesn't get the glory. The Unknown Engineer!

Yeah, you're right. The fact that I thought of her as a heroine, means she is to me. I was thinking of her telling the rest of the crew, and them being all impressed. The gory glory. I didn't critique the writing elements because aside from spelling and grammar, I wouldn't consider myself knowledgeable about style but I do know when something flows well cuz I'm not struggling to understand or get my bearings. And of course, if dialogue is good, my mood is elevated, I chuckle or smile. I have trouble relaying con crit so unless its obvious, I usually just remark on the plot, and sometimes the characterization. In this case, the plot kinda got in the way of any critical thinking. That's why I took a couple of days. I'll do better on something that doesn't curl my toes.

If she had become a reaver she'd have had to take the time to rape him to death, learn to sew to make clothes from his skin and then cook! Assuming Zoe wasn't exaggerating what they do, those reavers put a lot of effort into their nastiness... I planned a follow up with Zoe at one point, which was going to be a revenge-on-surviving-thug story. With cheese wire. That would have needed a strong warning too....

I think that before Wash's death, Zoe might not use a cheese wire, but post Wash-death, definitely! She would "see" a reaver in front of her, and her victim would know her wrath. He'd probably enjoy it, too. Yuck! Well, maybe not, seeing as he isn't actually a reaver. But that makes for another interesting story, no? Not that I'd ever write it. I just have become more intolerant of fantasy rape/torture. If its in the mind or part of consensual role-playing, no problem, but if it's depicted as a real event, I would never believe the victim is aroused. But for those reavers, legitimate arousal from being tortured is not just a one sided affair.

Anyway, thanks again for the review and joking aside I am sorry you suffered through this story.

Meh, I'm good. The suffering was minimal and temporary. I'm pretty tough, I put myself through more torment worrying about sleeping after than was warranted.

I also had to come to a reconciliation of your writing versus you. I think I'm getting it sorted out.

[JayDee]

...and with the Brits getting a new episode of Dr Who this weekend, it seems curiously appropriate to receive a review of that Dr Who short short story Lady Cassandra's Erotic Embrocation done for one of AFF's word prompts.

lia200304

good lord what did i just read..holy crap! wow! fantastic job

Thanks for your review! What you just read was me trying to fit the word embrocation into a story. I... uh... I did my best. Also, Rule 34 dictated Lady C needed at least a dirty story

[kagome26isawsome]

Lol You did more than just your best Jaydee! I was blown away from this! I imagined that Lady C would get punctured somehow and ended up flying into little pieces like in the one episode with Rose and 10th...lol

[JayDee]

Thanks! I'd say that Lady C would be too cunning to fall for something like that, if she hadn't in fact fallen for something like that in one of the episodes! She dried out didn't she? Seems quite a while ago now since the new series of Dr Who started.

[JayDee]

We'll Always Hang Paris was a tough re-write. When I went through my original I swiftly came to the conclusion that it was totally nonsensical, partly as a result of being an hour or so's work for a forum thread challenge, and partly because the basic concenpt was poor. To be honest, I didn't improve it all that much, but at least with changing it to be a conspiracy it covered some of the plot holes on why the authorities hadn't successfully ended it. I also think Paris Geller was a much better Paris. Although the alternative, Tom Paris, would have made the story pretty different. More scifi. M/M. That sort of thing.

The original also had a brief few lines of described animal cruelty to the original Paris' pet that just seemed to be there to be "edgy" and "shocking" or something. I don't know, 2007 me made some odd writing choices. I stripped it all out anyway, because it was neither edgy, nor shocking, but just kind of pathetic. And in a story like this, that's saying something. Zarena's pretty much unchanged though. It still doesn't make too much sense, but the first vote being for two stars either reflects that, or shows someone saw the story codes, clicked just to vote and missed the one star! Which seems to happen a lot. I'd say "Down with the votes!" but the voters already have that covered.

Anyway, a review!

archon
Wow, I both hated and loved it. Very well written and good all around story!

Thank you for your review! I'm very happy to receive your praise, but I'd love to know what you hated about it - was it a thematic issue, or is it something I could work on and improve?

Edited August 2, 2015 by JayDee

[JayDee]

So, the latest of my old re-writes, Phoebe’s Black Day has irritated at least one reader, and not for the frankly appalling level of racism:

john

This is a rip off of the story "What a rapper wants, a rapist gets." You changed some of the names, but most of it is the exact same.

Thank you for your comment. I refer you to the disclaimer/author's note at the top,

The original version was written by me in 2008, and I hope is now an improvement on my original.

I haven't ripped myself off, I've re-written an old story of mine to remove the real person elements and make it about a TV show. I'm able to do this due to the very weak one dimensional characterisation of my writing, which allows a few name changes and the addition of a few hundred words of Friends flavor to make it about someone else.

I suppose I should apologise for any readers clicking expecting an entirely new story from me, only to find me re-using my old descriptions, but I do confirm very quickly that it is a re-write so that would be the point to stop reading if readers require only brand new text.

Edited September 7, 2015 by JayDee

[JayDee]

pippychick's been reading JayDee fics, a dicey prospect at best...

Thank you for both of your reviews and for taking the time to read my stories! There is a great deal of terrible stuff on my profile, but I guess Fuck Tradition! is one of the more normal and vanilla stories, even if it is a threesome. I liked the series it is based on, but I've been a big fan of a lot of stuff I've seen Rowan Atkinson in.

Carry Ace

When I was a kid I loved Ace - what a terrible end for her! There's a lot of great shock horror content in here, and that last bit really made me physically recoil - well done! And good descriptive work for something that's pretty much unimaginable. I was there, I could see it

This was for one of that set of pain in the ass prompts, this being Embrangle*. As with 9 or 10 of the others I'd never heard it before and had look it up. For some reason this was the story that resulted. It's not actually the end, she's still alive! Get her in some alien healing device she'll be as good as new. Physically. Plus maybe one of those mind wipes. Yup, nothing like a bit of shit in the mouth to make folks sick. The other thing that works quite well is "and then they made her eat Wendys chicken nuggets."

McCoy was a brilliant Doctor, shame it was such a short period at the role.

Fuck Tradition!

lol, they've been reshowing this on Gold lately. Well, not this, clearly. That would be impermissible in Britain, even today, more's the pity. But I can definitely imagine Habbib getting up to this kind of caper after that epidsode. Any chance of an encore involving the two firefighters and Kevin? With him protesting, obviously... Habbib could even lure him in...

I don't tend to go back to the old oneshots, and if I did I don't know that I could make him protest convincingly. He seemed like one sniff of a fireman's hose and he'd forget all about Maggie. "Wait a minute... this is what man on man is? I prefer this! Don't tell mum. Ooh, my curly wurly's melted down my leg... going to lick it clean?"

Although... Kevin undercover as a woman... that might be fun. As well as appallingly offensive from an SJW point of view.

Thank you again!

*I've forgotten what it means again.

[JayDee]

Holodeck Bitch, one of those prompt stories where I really couldn't think of anything worth a damn to do with the prompt!

Snore"Trapped by the knot, they pulsed wetly into a womb that even the best technology could not make fertile for puppies." ROFL! Oh my god! Thanks for making me laugh! It made my day after a stressful shift.

I think I'm slowly adapting to your contents. Dickgirls and now bestially don't scare me off like they used to anymore. You did that. I think I just didn't saw the funny potential in those kind of stories.

Anyway, thanks for sharing!

Thanks for your review, but I urge you, resist! Don't adapt! Dickgirls and bestiality (and the strange horror of dickgirl bestiality*) are killing the internet! Stick with your wholesome old fashioned orgy porn, it's healthier

I'm glad you got a laugh out of it though, and thanks for your thoughts. I didn't much like how that story came out, and I hope generally to do a lot better.

*Example available on request

[julpups]

He he I never thought I'd have to see the day, when gangbang porn with gallons of ejaculate and all sorts of nasty actions is considered old fashioned and vanilla. I'm old!

Dickgirls and bestiality don't disgust me at all. The thing is they aren't arousing for me either, so I never saw the point why I should read it since I thought the point is gaining arousal in the first place. But your wordplay, eloquence, felicity and slapstick makes it enjoyable in another way nonetheless.

The crew seemed a bit OOC though. With easily tolerating inter species sexual relationships, considering space fogs as intelligent lifeforms, Data making out with the Borg queen etc. they seemed a bit harsh and backward with their reaction (except Tuvok).

I wonder what Jean-Luc Picard's wise opinion would be about it.

Oh and gimme example. Me requesting!