JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[Thundercloud]

10 minutes ago, JayDee said:

You! part 2!

Thank you again for this review! Her stories are very compelling. You want to look away, but can’t, and before you know it you’re doing her evi bidding. There’s no truth to the rumour this was based on J K Rowling.

Instead the source of inspiration is Twilight…

10 minutes ago, JayDee said:

He’s distracted by the game at the time with headphones and mic, and when he turns around he just thinks his Mom’s let a couple of folks in and they came through the door. With Sarsa grabbing his attention he doesn’t click that ‘you’ are a total stranger.

Maybe she is also spending demonic energy on gathering fans to read her works so that it is hard for people to be suspicious.

10 minutes ago, JayDee said:

‘Starla’ is just the name of some girl who knows who cosplays, roughly Sarsa’s height, and he initially thinks Sarsa is her in prosthetics and make up.

Ah...that explains it. It seemed so much like fantasy name that failed to think about that explanation.

10 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Sarsa’s really only pretending to be nice with him. Once she encountered him she realised she could use him to further her aims, and put her rage to one side, but once she had what he wanted he was probably going to suffer a very long, painful, and possibly pop culture ridden fate. He’d not die.

Precisely my thought. She pretends to be nice since she see opportunity atthe comic-cone. I think it would be great entertainment to have her at the Con shapeshifting into different forms to get sex and fans.

10 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Thanks again for the reviews!

I intend to review the rest of chapters also in due time, but there are other stuff also in the pipeline to be read so you get the rest of the reviews.

[JayDee]

On 5/29/2021 at 10:34 AM, Thundercloud said:

Obviously there is too little Jadis fanfiction around. Especially such without minors involved.

My own Jadis flashfic had no minors...but no sex either. Just piss and petrification. Which would make a good band name.

On 5/29/2021 at 10:44 AM, Thundercloud said:

Instead the source of inspiration is Twilight…

I never actually got around to reading them, although having a vampire and a werewolf show up doesn’t exactly help my case.

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Ah...that explains it. It seemed so much like fantasy name that failed to think about that explanation.

Shockingly, it is a genuine American name! See Starla the redneck in the movie Slither.

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Precisely my thought. She pretends to be nice since she see opportunity atthe comic-cone. I think it would be great entertainment to have her at the Con shapeshifting into different forms to get sex and fans.

“Who wants to try anal with me? You do? Bend over, nerd!”

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I intend to review the rest of chapters also in due time, but there are other stuff also in the pipeline to be read so you get the rest of the reviews.

No worries, I know how busy folks get. Like I said to Invidia, If I didn’t have my reviews for the Sparrow/InBrighestday story already written months ago from IBD previewing it to me, I’d probably not have the time to give them as much feedback each week either (it’s a damn good story tho’!) I am looking forward to yours, hopefully tomorrow as I remembered I have a day off work!

[JayDee]

You!

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@Thundercloud

Review of chapter 3

Finally we get to see what was really going on, but hinted in the previous chapters.

Thank you for this review also! It’s funny, when I did chapter one I just figured it would be a oneshot, deciding what direction to go later on I had to try and draw the earlier stuff together and have it make some kind of sense. Or failing that a joke or two.

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Sarsas fanfic for this time if of the Potter kind...would not surprise me if there are a number of fanfics around with this particular plot. Actually I can kind of relate to the unable to look away from a fanfic. I remember around the year 2000 when I have upcoming exam and stumbled on a fiction archive that had superhero stories with the same original character. Kept reading chapter after chapter until I suddenly realized that I forgotten about studing for the exam and time was 2 am in the night.
 

The year 2000? Was it on the old grey archive, or superstories or another one? There were some good old stories back in those days. I remember one I think called superheroine central? Had some free stories too from some talented authors. Could absolutely just keep you reading, though these days I bet I’d get too tried afore long.

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The appearance of Lupa and Kate in this story is well done. Poor Kate stuck in heat for a very long time. Her reaction when she gets free was funny. Her talk about what she expected from 2016 was pretty hilarious.

Thanks again! Kate definitely suffers some ill effects from the magic there and even more so when she gets out of the house – luckily she’s got good friends to help her through it. Shannon’s promise to herself that she’d get Kate out in that Christmas story worked “Sounds like a Yaoi overdose” was one of my favourite lines from it!

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Final thought...exposition fairies...having a kinky version of that sounds funny. How about a magic/demon that force somebody into that role against their will?

If you got any ideas on it that would work absolutely feel free to go ahead and use it! I just had it as a throwaway cranky Lupa line. When you say forced into the role, is it kinda like that film Liar Liar where he had to tell the truth all the time, or one where they’d be forced to provide expositon on everything, maybe even stuff they didn’t know about like,

“Yes your husband was late back last night. He’s got a goat fetish. Just been blowing them all up the field.”

Or something else?

Either way, thanks you again for the reviews! Has been fun revisiting this little story.

Edited June 6, 2021 by JayDee

[Thundercloud]

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

You!

Thank you for this review also! It’s funny, when I did chapter one I just figured it would be a oneshot, deciding what direction to go later on I had to try and draw the earlier stuff together and have it make some kind of sense. Or failing that a joke or two.

You succeeded if you ask me, plenty of good jokes.

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The year 2000? Was it on the old grey archive, or superstories or another one? There were some good old stories back in those days. I remember one I think called superheroine central? Had some free stories too from some talented authors.

I think I frequented just about all of those you mentioned, grey archive was the first site I posted on. One you failed to mention is btw mcstories.com...there are some great stories there if you can stand there being quite a lot of repetition of themes in the stories considering the sites narrow focus.

As for the story site that ruined the story session is was actually the Aurora Universe by Sharon Bast. When I broke the spell and considered what I was doing I decided the stories was providing to little payoff considering the length of stories and so much just being a weird superman/supergirl ripoff.

Considering how many authors that contributed since and original author changing his pen-name and revising everything I suppose there must be a staggering Aurora stories around now. If you have time to spare, I would say mcstories is a better bet to find interesting stories. There some of the classics that was posted there.

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Thanks again! Kate definitely suffers some ill effects from the magic there and even more so when she gets out of the house – luckily she’s got good friends to help her through it. Shannon’s promise to herself that she’d get Kate out in that Christmas story worked “Sounds like a Yaoi overdose” was one of my favourite lines from it!

I just realized there is Yaoi manga that is named Overdose...

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If you got any ideas on it that would work absolutely feel free to go ahead and use it! I just had it as a throwaway cranky Lupa line. When you say forced into the role, is it kinda like that film Liar Liar where he had to tell the truth all the time, or one where they’d be forced to provide expositon on everything, maybe even stuff they didn’t know about like,

“Yes your husband was late back last night. He’s got a goat fetish. Just been blowing them all up the field.”

Or something else?

I have not any ideas finished yet, but I am toying with the idea of somebody that is stuck with exposition fairy and realize that he/she cannot help to answer when prompted no matter how kinky the question is. No idea if it will work out as a story, but it sounds fun with anti hero that force the fairy to talk dirty.

Edited June 6, 2021 by Thundercloud

[JayDee]

20 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I think I frequented just about all of those you mentioned, grey archive was the first site I posted on. One you failed to mention is btw mcstories.com...there are some great stories there if you can stand there being quite a lot of repetition of themes in the stories considering the sites narrow focus.

I think my problem with mcstories was probably like you say a lot of repetition, but one author there I think I first saw on the grey archive was TantricLegion who did some great corruption stories. I sometimes still nip back there today to re-read one or two bits!

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As for the story site that ruined the story session is was actually the Aurora Universe by Sharon Bast. When I broke the spell and considered what I was doing I decided the stories was providing to little payoff considering the length of stories and so much just being a weird superman/supergirl ripoff.
 

Sometimes a particular style or theme of writing’ll just keep drawing ya in

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I just realized there is Yaoi manga that is named Overdose...

Unintentional reference, but I can totally start claiming it was intentional :p

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I have not any ideas finished yet, but I am toying with the idea of somebody that is stuck with exposition fairy and realize that he/she cannot help to answer when prompted no matter how kinky the question is. No idea if it will work out as a story, but it sounds fun with anti hero that force the fairy to talk dirty.

Well, if it does work it’s cool and good luck, and if it doesn’t it’s a nice mental exercise!

[JayDee]

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From ANON - Cct61 sorry to see the story end was fun to read on July 02, 2021

Thank you for your comment, I’m really glad you found it fun! The character show up in some of my other stories if you’d like to read more of them. I always felt this one needed a final ‘cap off’ chapter to finish it properly, but never got around to it. Thank you again!

 

[JayDee]

The Man on the Clapham Omnivorebus – Part 1 up! Part 2 is basically finished but just going through final grammar/spelling etc checks. I wrote the whole thing out last month, and just did the final draft on part 1 yesterday, with part 2 outstanding. 

It’s set in the same setting as some of my other stories, but no need to have read them to understand either the sex elements or the supernatural elements. I mean, Dylan hasn’t, and he’s the main character. 

Review by @InBrightestDay on January 11, 2026

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So I originally wrote on the story promotion thread:
THE BEACONS ARE LIT!  JayDee calls for aid!
...And InBrightestDay shall answer.
However, since I realized that would cover your avatar with mine when people were looking at the forum, and I didn't want to do that (not to mention I didn't know whether or not it was good form to reply to someone's story promotion post), I deleted my post.  Just in case you get some kind of alert.

Thank you for the review! No alerts! I’m not very alert myself though so can’t hold forum software to a higher standard. Not bothered about your avatar covering mine – might actually work in my favor given your better reputation!

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I know you said at the end that you were concerned that this might not be the best entry for you to return to writing with, but two things.
First, if you haven't written in a while, don't let the fear of being a bit rusty keep you from getting back into the swing of it!
Second, I really like this one!

I didn’t let the fear stop me – I just think maybe I should have done!  

Thank you, though, I’m glad you like it. It was kinda a silly wordplay idea I stretched into a story!

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So, first, there's a fun sort of tonal dance you do here.  Your stories, particularly the ones starring the characters I often refer to as the K-Team, have a distinct sense of humor throughout, and I went in expecting that, but while it is present, the story actually shifts pretty smoothly between tones.  The very start is more or less serious, with hints of that humor, mostly in the way things are said (I found the bit about people who think they're Scottish because a relative ate a haggis once chuckle-worthy)...and of course the bit where Shannon defeated some kind of monster with a dildo. 

The concept of a monster bus is kind of inherently silly, but I figured what the hell, try and be a bit serio-nope. No, there’s a references to a monster being defeated with a dildo [That could be any blonde haired, occasionally-black-eyed, pervert pulling the ‘you shall not pass!’], and a werewolf getting a groper to shit himelf. Oh well! 

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I also like the idea that Dylan has seen footage of paranormal events and doesn't believe any of it, because that actually does make sense in the modern world, both sides of it.  On the one hand, with everyone holding a camera it's more likely weird things that would get recorded (barring a "doesn't show up on camera" sort of thing).  On the other hand, in a world awash in AI slop, it's easier now than ever, in fact kind of mandatory, to be incredibly skeptical of weird things you see on video.

Man, I wrote that line last month. Then the other day I saw a clip of something and I was like “Wait, is this AI? There’s a fucking dinosaur stomping a car in the background.” and then it turns out that the dinosaur – a  model – was, in fact, in the background and the clip was genuine. It’s crazy, the days of the camera never lying are long, long gone. 

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Then after Dylan boards the bus, we shift into some legitimately effective horror.  I like the concept of the Omnivore Bus, and fittingly for how it likely came to be, it has the feel of something from a creepypasta or the SCP Foundation, a monstrous entity that exists inside our modern world, using our modern habits and technology to prey on unsuspecting humans, lurking just out of the corner of your eye.  The imagery of the adhesive/digestive flesh growing over the surfaces, and the mouths opening on it, after someone takes the bait is really creepy too.  The demon's entrance is pretty badass, clawing her way in through the window and cutting the tendrils apart.

I’m just glad it’s the Omnivorebus and not one of those crappy backward Hell names. Suberovinmo? Actually, not terrible. 

Heh, SCP – Lets send a few Class-D’s to catch the bus. We’ll find it eventually! 

I’m glad it came out creepy! It’s supposed to be over-the-top in unverse creepy to really make the captive upset and scared and suffer more before they die. Otherwise it’d be quicker to just drop ‘em through the floor into a pool of digestive acid. In universe, it was was not the creation of a then-entirely-balanced mind. In the real world, eh, same probably. 

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And then the tones blend, with some humorous dialogue and reactions mixed into a serious situation.  I particularly like the exchange after the demon realizes she can use the semen as a distraction, first because the "potential life energy" idea is a cool spin on how blood magic tends to work, and second because the exchange made me laugh.  Paraphrased...
"I need you to do that again!"
"IT'S GONNA TAKE A BIT, OKAY?"

The male refractory period be a harsh master. 

It’s only potential, so it’s not like a pro-life idea at least. Dylan’s been kind of confused, or terrified, or off balance, but finally he hits something he knows the answer too – the fuel tank’s gonna take some time to refill…

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On that note, I haven't really thought of hair as being sexy before, but...it was pretty sexy here.  How well that worked makes me think that "hair play" has to be a thing.  In hindsight it does make sense, since the touch of hair is the same ultra-light touch you might get tracing a feather along someone's skin, and I know that's a thing.  The blowjob she uses to get Dylan to come again was hot too, and that's kind of impressive given the mingling of comedy and erotica is in general a sort of hit or miss phenomenon for me.

I don’t think I ever did anything with hair play before, and of course usually it’s pretty much just a teasing/feather touch thing, but that demon’s got a lot of hair, it’s heavy, there’s skin rubbing too, and mentally a fear of death getting his body into reproduce save the genes mode, and all that led to a million to one chance and he’s boiling over like an unwatched pan. 

I assume some of my characters would react differently, for example:

Shannon: “OOOH! That was fun! Come all over me again!”

Dylan: “To save my life?”

Shannon: *Anakin meme*

Dylan: “To save my life, right?”

Did you really like the blowjob? I genuinely found myself thinking I hadn’t got any of it all that good after all this time. I’ve written a couple more since, working on another story, and feel like I’m improving while still not *quite* there. 

I dunno, I guess my writing muscles are atrophied.

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Oh, also:
"Come for me if you want to live!"
SHE SAID THE THING!

That’s one of those pubs that has got to have been independently made 1000s of times in the last 41 years, since the first Terminator, I assume, but at that point you’re trying to find a different way to use it. 

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All in all, I'd need to go through a lot of your work again to say how well this compares to what you view as your best, but taken on its own merits, I think this was a great return to AFF, showcasing a lot of your talents in a single place!

Hey, thank you again, in fairness I don’t even remember a lot of my best, or worst so it’s kinda a vibe feeling that it isn’t as good! I really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review! Part 2 should be up within a week. Pretty much done, but need to final proof it and maybe make a couple small changes. 

Edited 11 hours ago by JayDee
clarity, typos

[JayDee]

The Man on the Clapham Omnivorebus 

Review @BronxWench on January 12, 2026

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Welcome back!

Thank you! And thank you for the review. I appreciated it. I don’t think this is entirely the sort of thing to find a wide audience tbh , but it was fun to get back to write something. 

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Ah, poor Dylan. Nothing like London buses at night, eh?  "It wasn’t the most disturbing thing he’d ever seen on a London bus at night, but it had to be somewhere in the top five."  
I wonder why our first instinct when confronted with something that Absolutely Should Not Be Happening is to close our eyes, and hope it's going to be all better when we open them again. Granted, I've never had occasion to have a bus try to eat me, not even in London at night, after far too many pints of cider and increasing sloppy dart games. But, Dylan hoping he wasn't actually on a normal bus, screaming his head off and nearly naked? I felt for the poor bastard right then and there.
 

It’s a tough one isn’t it? Like, if you really think the horrible monster isn’t real then you must be on a normal bus, having an absolute psychotic break meltdown while hallucinating horrible things. Which is a hugely unpleasant experience. Or so I’ve been told. Some of those pints of cider though? Worth the horror! Then again, if the horror is actually real, at least you aren’t crazy, although it probably doesn’t feel any better.

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And then there was this bit:  
“Again! Mortal, ejaculate again!” 

“W-wha?”

“Come for me if you want to live!”

“I need… 15 – 20 minutes. Maybe a nap?”
I don't think I was supposed to laugh at Dylan, but seriously, I did. And then I laughed again...

Heh, honestly, I chuckled a bit writing it. I wrote one line for this Buffy fanfic I’m back working on the other day that had me absolutely hurting for laughing, but it’s probably a combination of only me actually finding it funny but also being too silly to leave in so I might have to cut it and leave it for a sillier fanfic down the line.

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“No. Mortal, I would fellate you. Do you consent?”

“HUH?”

The demon gestured exasperatedly. 

“Do you imagine we have eternity here, mortal? Please, if you would keep your blood in your veins, let me extract your semen.”  

Right. Probably not the worst offer ever made on London’s public transport network.
I honestly can't wait to see what happens now. Well done! 

I gotta do a follow up where he’s being rescued from a succubus by a vampire who needs more energy,

“Hey, if you want to keep that semen in your balls, let me drink your blood!”

...part 2 conclusion out within a week!

Thank you again for the review, I absolutely appreciated it. 

Edited 11 hours ago by JayDee
missing word

[InBrightestDay]

9 hours ago, JayDee said:

It’s supposed to be over-the-top in unverse creepy to really make the captive upset and scared and suffer more before they die. Otherwise it’d be quicker to just drop ‘em through the floor into a pool of digestive acid.

I liked it in particular because it made it feel like a carnivorous plant or something similar, where once a prey animal is drawn in by the “lure”, it still takes a while for the trap to fully close, like the slow-moving tentacles of a sundew.  The sudden drop would have worked too (more of a Venus flytrap vibe there), but I kind of like it better this way.

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Did you really like the blowjob? I genuinely found myself thinking I hadn’t got any of it all that good after all this time. I’ve written a couple more since, working on another story, and feel like I’m improving while still not *quite* there.

This is a fair question, and it deserves the full answer I couldn’t condense enough for the review.

So, this was a solid B, I would say.  It was pretty good, but I think it could have been hotter.  I wanted to lean especially into the positive, however, because I’ve read enough blowjobs in erotic fiction to know that most people write them in ways I don’t like at all.  The standard erotic fic blowjob tends to go a certain way.

1.  The motion is kind of frantic, like the woman is trying to win a prize for time (that would have been amusingly appropriate here, but the point stands).  I tend to find sexual content more arousing when it starts out more relaxed and then kind of accelerates toward the climax.

2.  There’s a sound effect that gets made, and it’s nearly always the exact same sound effect too: “Glurk!  Glurk!  Glurk!”  Suffice it to say I am not aroused by the sound of a choking frog.

3.  There’s always an emphasis on the amount of drool/spit coming off the blowjob, and it usually reaches the point where I honestly find it gross rather than hot.

I know I’ve read seriously arousing blowjobs in erotic fics before, but they’re shockingly few and far between in my experience.  I agree that there is room for you to improve, but I gave a positive mention there because I’ve seen way worse.