JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[Thundercloud]

11 hours ago, JayDee said:

Thank you especially for this bit! Many great parts? I love that compliment! Yeah, she left the buttplug in, she was probably still hoping to get back to Trenna quite quickly (she can be a bit of an optimist when it comes to sex)

I mean afterwards...did she still had the buttplug in her when traveling to heaven with the bodies?

I suppose it could be part of the basque she transforms into a dress...or she still uses the buttplug while visiting heaven….or she gave the buttplug to Kate even if this was not explicitly mentioned.

11 hours ago, JayDee said:

Yes, the hammering was how the Void Blade’s effect on the barrier was perceived by Kizzy and Jude. I’m glad the interaction came across good!

Kind of classical, but it works.

11 hours ago, JayDee said:

Kizzy basically gave Jude the equivalent of a layer of the skin on the tip of her little finger, tiny for her, but huge to Jude. This is down to the different power levels between a seraph and a mortal soul. Doing it allowed her to patch up the damage to his soul from the Void Blade, which had begun to be unmade, but also empowers him a little eg with the mind shield..

I was thinking about stories where elves get upset about loosing an elven soul...if you intend to live forever then you really need to think about not loosing tiny bit after tiny bit of yourself.

11 hours ago, JayDee said:

Jude enters in the middle of the Duchess shouting so with it being from his POV he doesn’t understand it either!

He doesn’t know any of this, but: When the Duchess knew Shannon left with Kizzy and Jude, she sent empowered and armed ghoul types to kill their Lupa and Kate – for being friends with Kizzy and Shannon as much as anything. The Duchess can be really petty. Anyway, the ghouls made a shit job of it for various reasons and she’s upset with them. There is a reference to another story – Jeb was killed by Kate in Blood on the hay. I figured the Duchess did some research into Shannon’s friends before starting and discovered how some real nasty pieces of work like Jeb had been killed by Kate, and ended up recruiting them from their own torments, possibly because seeking revenge makes them more powerful. Or something.

It was no problem really, I just thought it worth to mention.

[JayDee]

6 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I mean afterwards...did she still had the buttplug in her when traveling to heaven with the bodies?

I suppose it could be part of the basque she transforms into a dress...or she still uses the buttplug while visiting heaven….or she gave the buttplug to Kate even if this was not explicitly mentioned.

Oh, gotcha. No, she’s still got it. It’s in nice and snug and she’s exactly the kind of person who would happily take a sex toy to paradise. Expecially when she’s got more important things to worry about, so it’s still there with her in the statue. If she had got into a situation where it was an issue then once her hands were free she would have eased it back out.

Heh, if she had given it and Kate came round to Shannon’s recently used buttplug in her hand… I mean, at least as a werewolf Kate knows what all their butts smell like.

 

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I was thinking about stories where elves get upset about loosing an elven soul...if you intend to live forever then you really need to think about not loosing tiny bit after tiny bit of yourself.

To Kizurial it would very likely be seen as something that’s worth making a sacrifice for, because of what Jude might achieve in this instance, but It’s really not an issue for the Seraphim in this setting. They’ve got far-beyond-mortal regenerative capabilities of body and soul (which in their true form I suspect are a lot less dinstinguishable than for humans). Even when stabbed with a Void Blade which the Duchess believed would be guaranteed to end her, Kizzy kept the effects on herself at bay for long enough to be able to stop it entirely while in the Lake. It probably all relates to how in their true form they burn constantly for billions of years without being consumed by fire.

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It was no problem really, I just thought it worth to mention.

Always worth asking! Jude might even ask her what that was all about at some point, though probably not in story.

[Thundercloud]

15 hours ago, JayDee said:

Oh, gotcha. No, she’s still got it. It’s in nice and snug and she’s exactly the kind of person who would happily take a sex toy to paradise. Expecially when she’s got more important things to worry about, so it’s still there with her in the statue. If she had got into a situation where it was an issue then once her hands were free she would have eased it back out.

I think you have the possibility of quite funny dialogue when Kizzy gets Shannon free...

[JayDee]

That was the original plan Unfortunately you may be disappointed. I’m having trouble fitting in the stuff I need to show in the final part!

[Thundercloud]

On 3/26/2019 at 6:09 AM, JayDee said:

That was the original plan Unfortunately you may be disappointed. I’m having trouble fitting in the stuff I need to show in the final part!

Could not Kizzy getting Shannon free be a story of its own...or are they needed in the current story?

[JayDee]

It could have been. I originally thought of doing it that way, but decded to include dead Jude getting Shannon out as the final part – he’s gonna legitimately feel bad that someone got imprisoned trying to fix him stabbing Shannon, after all.

I’m sure I can squeeze some buttplug jokes inside another story. Shannon’s usually got a range of toys available.

Kizzy and Shannon and what happens after that will all be seperate if I ever get to write it. Which I’d quite like to, although it probably won’t be the most gripping story. I’m thinking I’ll probably throw in a tentacle demon incursion to spice things up since I haven’t tried tentacles for a while.

[JayDee]

Jude's Tale gets a review! And I have time to respond before going away for the weekend

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@InBrightestDay

Okay, so we start out with humor, not just from the title, but because...

“That’s a sexy fucking statue.”

“Not as sexy as... as you.”

That sounds so much like the setup for a short porn video (or just a really terrible pickup line) that I grin just thinking about it.

“Terrible synth music starts playing in the park.”

Firstly thanks for the review! Secondly, terrible pick up line is what I was going for. This is like a pair of totally inexperienced introverts, managing to spend time with each other officially for study but also due to each having deeply held desire for the other suddenly finding their desires overwhelming, and nerding it up a little. Like the awkward kissing! Plus, being around a revved up Shannon can make most people act like they’re in bad porn.

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Well, when Jude was talking about a picnic on Earth, I didn't realize this was what he meant.  I like that you implied that both he and the Duchess had picked out food for the picnic, with the Duchess going for something classy with the pomegranate seeds (not to mention fitting for a succubus, considering their reputation as an aphrodisiac) and Jude potentially bringing donuts.

Nacre was coming up and I chose cutlery to get it in there – a hamper picnic also seemed a good way to get ‘em to Shannon’s statue. I didn’t know about the reputation as an aphrodisiac! Unintentionally makes it kind of even more appropriate, so that’s cool. Besides being classy I was thinking about Persephone having to stay in the underworld, while the donuts may have been sourced over at the Ironic Punishment Division but, yes, likely Jude’s choice if they’re in there. Just throwing references at the wall and seeing what I could get away with.

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There's also some really rough stuff in this chapter, though.  First, the idea that even though Tegwen didn't design this statue as a torture device, it still acts that way, causing Shannon's arousal to escalate to torturous levels but never allowing her to climax.  I don't know if you meant to do this, but what that statue is doing to Shannon is literally the orgasm denial torture Eparlegna inflicted on Luzurial at the end of Whore of Heaven.  If that was intentional, that's brilliant.

Thanks! “Just throwing references at the wall and seeing what I can get away with.” :p Tegwen wanted to ensure Shannon had a suitable punishment, as inspired by Kizurial’s decision, but she’s as naive about sexuality as Luzurial was so it ended up harsher than intended. She presumably expected Shannon to meekly stand inside and consider her sins for eternity. Although unpleasant it hasn’t got so bad I thought it needed the Tort tag – if you think it could use one, let me know!

The orgasm denial element is also a call back to what Shannon put Chummy through in Corrupt the Midwife

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Speaking of brutal ideas:

“Let her suffer. She’ll be insane in an aeon or two.

Holy shit.  This statue thing...  First I thought it lasted for 100 trillion years, then I realized that because of how long red dwarfs live it would actually be 120 trillion years.  Then you clarified that the statue lasts until the nucleons decay, which means it lasts for anywhere from 2 trillion trillion trillion years to 30 million trillion trillion trillion years (depending on proton half-life), and here we learn that after just one or two billion years the torture of the experience is enough to shatter even an immortal mind.

If I may almost-quote something I had a character think in my own story, how is it that every time we learn more about this situation, it somehow becomes impossibly worse?

*Taps self on chest* Monster.

The Duchess could be wrong, although she believes she is right. I think Luzurial and even Shannon could both retain their minds throughout the whole of existence if left inside. Eparlegna might even intend that with the original design, because retaining rational awareness and those periods of lucidity, would likely make the suffering even worse.

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“Have you been crying? Let me guess... meditating on Eparlegna’s cum rag.”

Something I've picked up on, at least from my own reading experience, is that the best way to really hurt me as a reader is to say or do something unbelievably cruel and then be as flippant about it as possible, minimizing its importance.  Given the Duchess's expertise with torture, I honestly can't tell if she's genuinely just being casual about it or if those words were carefully chosen to hurt Shannon as much as possible.

The whole story from the Duchess’ perspective has been about scoring as much emotional damage to Shannon as possible, because Shannon walked out on her. So her involvement started with manipulating Jude to try and kill Shannon’s friend (with added big picture bonus of trying to take out a frickin’ seraph). The Duchess’ motivation is a big part of the reason I thought it was appropriate to end the story with Shannon after all rather than leave that part of the story unshown.

The last time she punished Shannon directly was in the decades after the Chummy debacle. That was physical punishment and it didn’t go so well, since Shannon throroughly enjoyed all the filthy sexual things the Duchess’s mind could come up with, though the Duchess just heard all the hollerin’ and thought things were going to plan.

Thinking about Luzurial’s utterly unconsensual violations and tortures is considerably more painful to Shannon. The Duchess has realised this and is taking full advantage to twist the knife. Making a point of talking about Kizurial’s command in front of Shannon’s statue is another part of that. Her final throw of the dice is trying to kill the friendship and leave Shannon without someone watching out for her on Earth against other angels.

It’s still ultimately Jude’s Tale because he goes from being the Duchess’ pawn to being in a position to influence her back, (my favorite bit is her appalled reaction to finding he intends to help her find redemption) and if I didn’t get to explore his past and his change from good guy to dipshit, at least it was a tale of his present and possible future.

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However, even after she does that, Jude doesn't give up on her, and that really says something about him as a character.  He started this tale prepared to strike a woman for being potentially gay (and maybe also because she was black), and here he is, having chosen to spend potentially multiple lifetimes in Hell to try to redeem a fallen angel.  That is a beautiful transformation.

Honestly, just the arc for this chapter is great, from humor to sadness to hope, and all in 1,000 words.  This has been a heck of a journey considering it started with a joke about the word "fagottist."

Dying, and getting inside Kizurial (stop snickering, Shannon), definitely put Jude in a mindset to change away from being a nasty bigot, and get back to the kind of guy he used to be, much less of an asshole than in parts 1 – 3. Shannon’s “Fuck you,” is a way of saying that his regretful words alone aren’t much to her, but maybe after those lifetimes in Hell if he’s keeping at it she’d speak more kindly to him – plus she’s pretty fucking miserable at that point. Hopefully I’ll get to write a oneshot follow up at some point to resolve the issues between Shannon and Kizzy (and with some apologies from Kizzy to a certain other archangel, oh and a tentacle monster. Heh, calling back to taking a story title taken from a song I could call it “All Apologies.”

Thanks for reviewing all of the parts of the story, I appreciate the heck out of it. I genuinely hope it hasn’t been too tedious to push through, but I had fun with it! I’m off in a bit and won’t be back on AFF until Sunday after that, but I’ll be happy to reply further then – I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Edited March 31, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Jude’s Tale has limped past 500 views! Quite a way to go to beat the 9587 views Naruto the Cluck managed just by using the beaten-to-death “Hinata cuckolds Naruto” trope. If I was in this just for the hits I’d just shit out Naruto crackfics until they got wise to me.

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@pippychick

Part 6

Really I think this is the best chapter yet. The deep themes expressed in it are perfect. I love the idea of Kizzy being a mask, and that the actual Angel has separated everything somehow. I'm not sure though if the Seraph intended for this result - she/it may have.

Thank you thank you thank you! I really liked how this one came out too. The Seraph absolutely hoped Jude would make the choice he did, but may not be entirely prepared for re-absorbing the mask and the impact it may have on her, such as certain more-human yearnings.

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But it was wonderful to see Jude understand himself at last, and for the 'mask' to admit to life, and experience. The Shannon line made me laugh.

Thanks again! Shannon would probably take professional affront to that line, mind. “Someone doesn’t want me? I must try harder!”

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The ending felt so right, as if everything is still as it should be despite the fact that the two have not followed instructions, but I wonder what it will mean. Jude is dead, and there's no coming back from that. Or is there? If I remember rightly, there was a kind of bet on the cards... Hmm... need to read on. Great work!

I’m glad the ending felt right – It was the only way I could see to do it, though it doesn’t really make up for the bad things Jude did, it’s a tiny step in the right direction.

There was a bet. Shannon bet she could swallow more hot dogs than Wolf!form Kate, who took the bet forgetting that Shannon could swallow a lot without gagging. Oh! Wait, do you mean the Duchess’s promise? Yeah, there’s that That’ll be important later. 

Thank you again, I appreciate your reading and reviewing this story. I hope you’re making/have made good progress on that original you mentioned working on with CloverReef!

[InBrightestDay]

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

Quite a way to go to beat the 9587 views Naruto the Cluck managed just by using the beaten-to-death “Hinata cuckolds Naruto” trope.

You may also have gotten some out of the weirdness factor of making Naruto a chicken.  I mean, my sympathies, but no wonder Hinata stepped out on him.

[pippychick]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Thank you again, I appreciate your reading and reviewing this story.

Just fantastic, from beginning to end. I loved it.

[JayDee]

6 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

You may also have gotten some out of the weirdness factor of making Naruto a chicken.  I mean, my sympathies, but no wonder Hinata stepped out on him.

She’s the one got him to turn into a chicken!

5 hours ago, pippychick said:

Just fantastic, from beginning to end. I loved it.

Thank you! I love that ya loved it.

Jude's Tale

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@pippychick

Part 7

I know I've told you over and over, but your humour is brilliant. I loved the Monty Python bit, but I laughed out loud at the bit about not leaving reviews, and Jude's thought just then. Thank you. I needed that

Ah.. I was so relieved when Kizurial was sad about the idea of the statue. I knew she wasn't really bad! (even though I openly wondered about it in a previous review - I deny all!)

And now Jude has returned to the Duchess... this should be fun... yes. Awesome!

Thank you for this review! I’m really glad the humor worked. I guess so far as the Monty Python bit goes, that’s not my humor but I nicked it anyway Jude was definitely the kind of guy who got drunk, rubbed one out to some AFF story and then didn’t leave so much as a “thanks for writing it” the dirty callous handed bastard.

Kizurial isn’t bad, but she’s definitely made some questionable decisions in her time in the belief that she was doing the right thing. She’s generally a good influence at least.

I hoped for fun, I got part 8 which had less jokes.

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I'm so sorry this is over, since I love these characters more and more all the time.

I see Jude has already found a loophole, that could prove interesting. It would be so fascinating to read that journey of redemption.

And thank you for this review! I think Jude’s got quite the job on his hands. I think their relationship would be an odd one, since the Duchess’ main aim now would be to corrupt him back into being her fuckboi pet, while still required to protect him, while Jude’s only interested in what she might become again. Kizurial’s hope is a) that she is redeemed and b) that dealing with Jude keeps her from being able to be as effective at interfering with other mortals or Kizzy and Shannon and co.

These characters are all free for others to use! InBrightestDay has an idea for a crossover at some point set after The Woman in the Statue which ought to be fun if it ever gets written. And then there’s an entirely non-canon “Shanon/Kevin/Luzurial” threesome we joked about, where Kevin gives the heartwarming tale of how they came to fall in love and respect and cherish each other, and Shannon’s so overcome with happiness for them she can barely ask dirty questions about how they first got to the boning.

 

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Laugh out loud moments:

The Duchess looked appalled, “Can’t you just fuck me for eternity instead?”

And Shannon's inimitable self: "Suck on it."

Thank you! Always happy to hear when things made readers laugh

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I could wax lyrical about the cruelty of the statue to Shannon, being what she is, and the recollection of the cruelty it meant for Luzurial too. I shouldn't work, to have those hints of darker things in here, and orgasm denial, and all the wicked things people did before here when their darker selves came out. Not next to the humour you write here, but somehow it does. You pull it off, and it's bloody marvellous

Thank you again! Shannon definitely not finding orgasm denial so pleasant to be on the receiving end.

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What a wonderful journey - I have enjoyed every word. I look forward to seeing Kizzy & Co in their next story. I just know you're going to use them again. I wonder what they'll be up to next time.

Thank you for sharing with us. In all your stories, whether they're funny or dark, and no matter how close to the line you get, to me you're always a highlight of AFF.

And thank you again for reading, and reviewing. I guess the next thing I’d like to do with them is finish off the Blood on the Hay story, and maybe even another part or two of the original Slumber Party story to show what happened next on that fateful night after Eparlegna went to Hell. I also have a couple origin stories for Lupa and Shannon that I’m thinking on (I’ve got a chunk of “The Fall of Chastia” written already) but while my muse is only giving me the motivation to do the 1000 word flashfics/chapters for the prompts adding new parts to the early two fics with Kizzy and Co seems like a likely option.

I’ve jinxed it now. I may never write again.

...and I may have gone over the line a few times. Left it distantly behind me, invisible for the dust, and the blood, and the misery. Still, you’ve got to laugh. 

You’re a pretty shining high point of the site yourself!

 

[InBrightestDay]

21 hours ago, JayDee said:

She’s the one got him to turn into a chicken!

See, this right here is what happens when I only read the summary instead of the actual fanfic.

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InBrightestDay has an idea for a crossover at some point set after The Woman in the Statue which ought to be fun if it ever gets written.

That’s likely to be several stories down the road, assuming it gets written at all.  As I mentioned to you in our email discussion, if the villain’s plan works the result will be the apocalypse.  And I don’t mean the destruction of Earth, I mean the actual apocalypse.

I’m just saying, you start with The Avengers and then make your way to Infinity War/Endgame.  Also, I’ll need another story or two to introduce Lailah to readers, so that the borrowed plot point will hurt.  Also, the fact that there’s a borrowed plot point is why it’ll likely never get written.

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And then there’s an entirely non-canon “Shanon/Kevin/Luzurial” threesome we joked about, where Kevin gives the heartwarming tale of how they came to fall in love and respect and cherish each other, and Shannon’s so overcome with happiness for them she can barely ask dirty questions about how they first got to the boning.

 I’d almost forgotten about that.

Edited April 5, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

4 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

  Also, the fact that there’s a borrowed plot point is why it’ll likely never get written.

I still say it’s gotta be possible to find a way to do it without borrowing a plot point from the other guy, even if it is only down to identifying a commercial or historical work it was used in first and then writing it with citation of that work instead!

[JayDee]

Jude's Tale gets a final review!

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@Thundercloud

I actually checked out chapter 8 some time ago, but decided to take a break and reread it before I wrote a review. My first thought after reading the chapter was literally "great, but it was too short" but on the other hand I am so sure I could suggest a way to expand it that would make it better for sure.

Thanks for your review! A delayed review for more thought is fine by me. I’m sure most readers could suggest ways to make it better, maybe some of them could turn up in later stories! I appreciate you taking the time for your thoughts.

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My second reading of chapter helped me to convince myself that the chapter really deliver where its matters and manage to both tell me as a reader that the full tale of what happens to Jude is bound to go on for potentially aeons and that the story ends on checkpoint so to say when it reasonable to leave Jude and turn out attention to other stuff.

The ending with the line "Suck on it." was truly funny and made me laugh a lot. So very much Shannon and a fitting ending.

Thank you again! I’m sure with more room I could have had a lot more buttplug related material – the plus side with a character like Shannon is that she’s quite likely to get into other sex toy related situations in future where they might fit.

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still feel there could have been room to show more interaction between Jude and duchess...in this chapter the relation feels kind of settled if you get what I mean. Maybe the overall story would benefit if there was a chapter between 7 and 8 where the duchess was busy doing evil stuff and trying to figure out what Jude's intended end game was. I imagine some other park out there that is visited by demon and a ghost...

There’s definitely a story to be told there sometime. Jude’s wanting to atone by helping an Archangel find redemption, while The Duchess is going to be putting all of her billions of years of experience into corrupting him in such a way it doesn’t damage her obligation to protect him. He’s already in Hell so as long as he doesn’t end up suffering she should be ok. Persuading him to take advantage of her sexually would be a good start, but I suspect he’s now set on only having that kind of relationship with an Archangel… Getting her out on picnics means Jude can deal with her without her needing to put on a show for lesser demons, so they’ve probably got trips a plenty to have. 

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All in all I am not a great fan of very short chapters, but must say that you deliver a very good story while using this format so keep delivering using the format that makes you most productive.

The sad fact is that I’m not the best fan either, but it seems to be all I can finish these days, besides the damn old work re-writes. All the time and effort folks put into long chapters makes it a lot easier to get into them and feel the characters. I’m still looking forward to the future chapters of With the Mirror Came... and Carmen Elisa Need to Die over here In your own time!

Thank you for the reviews on this story, I appreciate them.

My next thing to finish is looking like it might be another re-write, so it’ll be longer if I can finish that! 

[Thundercloud]

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

Jude's Tale gets a final review!

Let’s hope there are more reviews eventually, the story deserves it.

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

There’s definitely a story to be told there sometime. Jude’s wanting to atone by helping an Archangel find redemption, while The Duchess is going to be putting all of her billions of years of experience into corrupting him in such a way it doesn’t damage her obligation to protect him. He’s already in Hell so as long as he doesn’t end up suffering she should be ok. Persuading him to take advantage of her sexually would be a good start, but I suspect he’s now set on only having that kind of relationship with an Archangel… Getting her out on picnics means Jude can deal with her without her needing to put on a show for lesser demons, so they’ve probably got trips a plenty to have.

She could play the “do this small thing for me and I will not mess with this mortal”-gambit. There is also the “you care about this character, if you don’t do this little small thing for me I will temporary release this fallen soul to cause them misery”-gambit. You must not make too easy for Jude...

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

I’m still looking forward to the future chapters of With the Mirror Came... and Carmen Elisa Need to Die over here In your own time!

Give me a half year or so…WtMC has only about 6 pages done while next chapter of CENtD are mostly done but have a few scenes that refuse to play along so it will take a lot time before they go online.

In the mean time...if you got time to spare I do have   story posted with the name  Anor Don Masin: Tales of Deception. It just like 10k words and considering what kind of story codes you put on your stories it would be interesting to hear what you think about this PWP story.

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

My next thing to finish is looking like it might be another re-write, so it’ll be longer if I can finish that! 

I hope it will be something interesting. Not everything you do is of my liking, but those things that I do like I enjoy very much.

[JayDee]

10 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Let’s hope there are more reviews eventually, the story deserves it.

When a story is longer on the front page unless someone is trawling back through and the summary or codes catch their eye, or they specifically come to my profile and same, it’ll get a lot less hits and with the tiny percentage of hits that leave reviews anyway (like, one story has 121K hits and 18 reviews) the odds of getting more feel pretty unlikely.

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She could play the “do this small thing for me and I will not mess with this mortal”-gambit. There is also the “you care about this character, if you don’t do this little small thing for me I will temporary release this fallen soul to cause them misery”-gambit. You must not make too easy for Jude...

He doesn’t deserve things easy – he tried to murder Kizzy! I think, ultimately, he might succeed though in some dim and distant future.

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Give me a half year or so…WtMC has only about 6 pages done while next chapter of CENtD are mostly done but have a few scenes that refuse to play along so it will take a lot time before they go online.

In the mean time...if you got time to spare I do have   story posted with the name  Anor Don Masin: Tales of Deception. It just like 10k words and considering what kind of story codes you put on your stories it would be interesting to hear what you think about this PWP story.

Half a year? It’ll fly by! I mean, look how fast three months have gone so far. And, yes, those story codes all seem like my kind of thing. I’ll check it out some time this week – thanks for rec!

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I hope it will be something interesting. Not everything you do is of my liking, but those things that I do like I enjoy very much.

Guy thinks he’s raping a girl, but she actually wants him to do it, then when he goes to leave she traps him, reveals her true nature and offers him a slim chance to live…

So it’s a bit of a tired old cliche, but all I can say is that 10-11 years ago when I did the first version the whole “roleplaying at being raped” thing was, well, 10-11 years less tired while still being tired. It’s not much of a defence.

Digging inside, he pulled out Shannon MacDuff’s recently discarded panties and sniffed at them. Cal flicked out his tongue for a little taste of the crotch.

It’s set before The Slumber Party of Evil Doom.

[Thundercloud]

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

When a story is longer on the front page unless someone is trawling back through and the summary or codes catch their eye, or they specifically come to my profile and same, it’ll get a lot less hits and with the tiny percentage of hits that leave reviews anyway (like, one story has 121K hits and 18 reviews) the odds of getting more feel pretty unlikely.

I agree about the odds of getting reviews from regular visitors, but I think the probabilities for getting reviews from other authors are better and these are more inclined to go investigate an authors profile than regular readers. Afterall I four months back had not visited AFF like in a decade and now I think I have checked quite a few of your fics….I did not scroll through pages from the front screen to find them.

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

He doesn’t deserve things easy – he tried to murder Kizzy! I think, ultimately, he might succeed though in some dim and distant future.

I would say that trying to reform a demon is a pretty sure way to make sure he is in for some shit. It seem plausible that that he might succeed eventually, but you have a enormous opportunity for coming up with stories when he alternate between failing and failing hard. 

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

Half a year? It’ll fly by! I mean, look how fast three months have gone so far.

The trouble is really that I have all these ideas for good scenes, but times fly by with me unable to get time to do proper writing.

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

Guy thinks he’s raping a girl, but she actually wants him to do it, then when he goes to leave she traps him, reveals her true nature and offers him a slim chance to live…

So it’s a bit of a tired old cliche, but all I can say is that 10-11 years ago when I did the first version the whole “roleplaying at being raped” thing was, well, 10-11 years less tired while still being tired. It’s not much of a defence.

Digging inside, he pulled out Shannon MacDuff’s recently discarded panties and sniffed at them. Cal flicked out his tongue for a little taste of the crotch.

It’s set before The Slumber Party of Evil Doom.

Sounds like great fun.

[JayDee]

18 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I agree about the odds of getting reviews from regular visitors, but I think the probabilities for getting reviews from other authors are better and these are more inclined to go investigate an authors profile than regular readers. Afterall I four months back had not visited AFF like in a decade and now I think I have checked quite a few of your fics….I did not scroll through pages from the front screen to find them.

There is that, but it has to be said that with a lot of my stories being quite niche aimed (ie the snuff) another author’s as likely to alight on something pretty horrible and never return, as they are to see something like this! There’s probably most nasty stuff on my profile than nice

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I would say that trying to reform a demon is a pretty sure way to make sure he is in for some shit. It seem plausible that that he might succeed eventually, but you have a enormous opportunity for coming up with stories when he alternate between failing and failing hard. 

She’s ancient, devious, great at manipulation, powerful, and has a bunch of servants steeped in cruelty, oh, and Lily, who’s not even dead yet but in it for fucking over the kind of assholes who hurt women like, uh, Jude was. On his side, he’s a dead youth pastor with a former alcohol problem.

The odds are stacked against him...but, hey, he’s got renewed faith, a burning desire to make amends, and a literally burning soul due to that sliver of Seraph. So… yeah. Lots of failures before triumph.

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The trouble is really that I have all these ideas for good scenes, but times fly by with me unable to get time to do proper writing.

I know that feeling – I had a really really busy period a few years back and I couldn’t get anything done, and it’s been kind of since then that I seem to have lost the knack for the longer form stories. I tend to have a bit more time the last six months or so, but I’ve just ended up doing more reading and reviewing and only barely knocking out re-writes or the flash chapters.

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Sounds like great fun.

Fingers crossed!

[JayDee]

Mike Rapes A Dyke is one of the stories that may one day be presented as evidence at my trial for obscenity, possibly shortly before I am taken from that place and hung from the neck until almost dead, then cut down to have my stomach opened and my viscera pulled out and shown to me, before they’re burned, and then the rest of me cut into four pieces and displayed at different cities around the realm.

New Review!

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BM230

Big fan, I enjoy most of your stories, but this is my personal favorite. It's brutal, humiliating, and true to reality. The fact that this would be abhorrent in real life somehow makes the fiction even hotter. You do an excellent job of making the reader sympathize with Lily while also getting off on her suffering and sexy body. Your description of her alone is arousing enough, let alone what comes after. Too many rape stories fall into that trap of romanticizing rape with stuff like the victim quickly getting into it, but yours is all the better for avoiding it.

Firstly, thank you kindly for the review. I always really appreciate getting reviews on any stories, no matter how old they are! Honestly, it’s fairly abhorrent even in fiction! I’m really glad it works as a hot fantasy though -for the narrow target audience that’s pretty much the point after all. It was absolutely designed to be utterly un-romanticized – back when I wrote it I’d been getting a little sick of the “rape leading to love between rapist and victim” trope – not that there’s anything wrong with it, and I’ve written it myself, but it seemed worthwhile to do something anti-all that. Poor Lily definitely deserved some sympathy though, so I’m happy that’s there as well. It really doesn’t get a lot better for her during life – my later story Twinpregnation features her cousins Caitlin and Connor and hints at how she’s remained in a bad way. On the other hand, another considerably less true to reality story showed she’s not doing too badly in Hell after making a deal to come up with punishments for some real scumbags so it’s not all bleak.

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I look forward to every time you put up a new story, and I would love a prequel with Mike raping Jill, but even more than a story set in the same universe, I hope you do another story with the same base theme of lesbian rape, especially with how much your writing has progressed now. It's a underexplored kink that is rarely done well, but this story is one of the few exceptions. Keep up the excellent stories!

Thanks again! I guess my writing must have improved some, though I seem to find it harder to write long, detailed sex than I used too.

I know not all of my stories are in the same theme – the closest recently was probably A Big Girl’s Bad End featuring the psychopathic sadism of Mike’s relative Cadence Van Dijk, but that was more of a torture/death fic – I probably won’t ever get around to telling the Mike/Jill story, unfortunately. As for the ‘raping a lesbian’ theme, I don’t think I ever did that theme again properly again in an MF story, though I’ve definitely had a few FF scenes with rape. I guess what happens to Willow in part 3 of Pleasurable Evils kind of covers it with magical penetrations. Possibly some time  I’d do another– I’ve got a few other things I’m trying to get done first!

Thank you again for the review, I really do appreciate it.

[InBrightestDay]

Okay, I have to point this out.

On 4/7/2019 at 3:45 AM, JayDee said:

When a story is longer on the front page unless someone is trawling back through and the summary or codes catch their eye, or they specifically come to my profile and same, it’ll get a lot less hits and with the tiny percentage of hits that leave reviews anyway (like, one story has 121K hits and 18 reviews) the odds of getting more feel pretty unlikely. 

And then…

6 hours ago, JayDee said:

with a lot of my stories being quite niche aimed (ie the snuff) another author’s as likely to alight on something pretty horrible and never return, as they are to see something like this! There’s probably most nasty stuff on my profile than nice

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BM230

Big fan, I enjoy most of your stories, but this is my personal favorite.

Man, it’s almost like you planned that.

Edited April 8, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

“Strange things are afoot at the circle-k”

[JayDee]

Under Joan's Bed was one of those stories I meant to try and do more parts for and never got around too. Seem to have lost my plan for it, but I remember the spider under the bed was going to have a role, too, also as a friend to Joan. Maybe now I’m picking at the prompts again I might try and reconstruct some of it, at least take a shot at some of the graphic tentacle content that the summary and codes suggest without really delivering on.

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@GeorgeGlass

Talk about having friends in low places. The monster shredding the demon was a satisfying ending. Now we can only hope The Evil Dad drops by to see what went wrong...

Thanks for the review! Joan certainly thought about getting that friend into a specific low place in the shower. I’m glad you liked the ending, I think I had a bit of fun coming up with that. If I ever do write more the Daddy will show up and things’ll go badly. The spider might well get involved.

Also, if someone ever did a parody called “The Evil Dead” they probably could get Bruce to star in it

Thanks again!

[GeorgeGlass]

Yeah, it would be fun to see Joan actually get it on with her many-limbed friend, but even the fantasy was pretty nice. 

As for Bruce, at his age, he might have to be “The Evil Granddad.”

[JayDee]

The Slumber Party of Evil Doom – I made some changes to part 3 to fit in with The Woman in the Statue’s new future, and then I was all set to finally finish off Blood on the Hay when I realised that there were still some issues based on the characters as they’ve developed – Kate still works fine though, gotta love that pack mentality... So I did part 4 to try and deal with that as much as anything, oh, and also because the prompts were pretty hard to fit in but I had a realistic way to use that damn slipper. Don’t know if I can finally finish Kate’s story now or not, but I’m closer to it...

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@Thundercloud

This story is with the fourth chapter really two different stories mixed into one. Actual slumber party is one story while what happens to a certain character in chapter 3 after he leaves the others might follow directly in time but would be considered a spin off it was a movie. It also seems it also been kind of retconned since it fits rather well the other stories JayDee has rewritten recently and also gives one of the better explanations of the parallell worlds so far. I have been really confused by the continuity for some some time and after reading this it made much more sense.

Thanks for your review! Absolutely some retconning going on. Part 3 was actually re-written to fit in, while part 4 is more in the way of adding new information to change the meaning of part 1 and make Lupa a little more sympathetic. I hadn’t worked out Lupa’s backstory when I wrote part 1! I’m glad it makes more sense now!

I’d argue there are some movies that tell the different characters paths in the same film – Pulp Fiction for one – but, yes, Part 3 does go firmly away from Slumber Party territory so I totally see what you mean.

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The good news is that chapter 4 actually return to the actual slumber party and gives a more reasonable closure to the story than chapter 2 gave. This story is pretty much the thing that connect many of JayDees greatest stories plot wise and is in my opinion a good read even though there is no sex in this background story.

Shannon would happily have got it on, but it’s just not been that kind of story. Thank you though, I am glad it’s a good read!

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As a final comment...great way to use the quote from Spock. It made me smile.

Made me smile, too! Heck, it made Kizzy smile.

Thanks again, I appreciate this review and your time in leaving it.

[JayDee]

The Slumber Party of Evil Doom review

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@InBrightestDay

I wasn't expecting to see this get another chapter, but I'm glad it did; the fourth chapter here adds a nice sense of resolution to the friends, and even answers a question I had but never asked about the first chapter.

Thanks for your review! Honestly, I wasn’t ever expecting to write more, but I had that tough prompts I could make work, plus a desire for a bit more character stuff to clear up along with the re-write job on part 3. It does more feel more finished, and while I figure Kizzy’s change of mind towards the end looks a bit sudden, it’s kind of from Lupa’s POV without seeing the Seraph thought processes going on.

There’s a lot of questions unanswered from part 1!

What were the snacks besides the popcorn? (“Why did you laugh when you said this was soul food, Shannon?”)

What had Shannon done in Hell that was a whole lot worse than Kate stuffing her face into a bowl of buttery popcorn and chewing? (Almost certainly a sex thing, possibly still involving the term ‘buttery’.)

Why does Kizzy reach to her shoulder to draw a sword from the air, when she’s forming it from her will? (Probably thought it looked cool)

Who is humanity’s next champion in the Slumberverse that Jack was going to slaughter if he hadn’t been stopped? (At least on the other Earth the champions are known to make a difference! One bound Eparlegna! Another couple in the next generation have an amazing adventure while their redheaded parents avoid questions about their real father! Then, a few more decades later, more mortals kicking ass, taking names!)

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That question, naturally, being whether Kizzy actually had parents, or if that was just an elaborate illusion for the benefit of the others.  Speaking of her foster parents...

"Shondra isn't your Mom? Aw, she was pretty cool when she wasn't testifying at me. Used to talk about what a badass she was down in LA, before she met Jackie and found God.

Okay, assuming that's not a coincidence, then this universe's Shondra unknown-last-name, nee Jackson, is unknowingly caring for an angel, the very same angel that gave the order for the angel that the other Shondra...man, this is weird.

Actually, there's an extra layer of humor here, because Trekkie Kizurial is basically living with a Mirror Universe version of Shondra, and in classic Trek fashion, Mirror Shondra seems like she was some kind of super cop in LA before finding religion.  Either that, or she was on the path to being more like Shondra Prime before she found religion.

Oh, that question! Yup, Kizzy had foster parents. Their surname is probably Dieudonné since Kizzy was pretending they were her real parents, though Shondra’s pre-marriage name was indeed Jackson. And, yes, the fact that Kizzy was set up with a foster parent who would constantly remind her of what had happened may well have been intentional. I’ve kind of got an idea it was the ol’ Angel of Death himself she had help her construct her human identity. The two universes have a lot of the same people, and some only on one or the other and roughly similar overall histories – both have Americas with Los Angles etc. The other universe had the brutal impossible to ignore public assault of Eparlegna, this one gets the creeping horror of Sarsa. There’s a Kate on both Earths, but Lupa’s parents never met on the Whore of Heaven Earth, and yet history tends to find ways to happen much the same anyway in the long run. Shondra Jackson in the Slumber-verse was going cowboy cop, and probably would have ended up as bad a mess in a different way, but one day, she saved Jackie’s ass, and a few years later, she’s up in the North near Canada fostering. Possibly working for the local Police Department!

At least neither of them have a goatee.

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Also, this is completely random, but I love the fact that Kizzy's family has a pet iguana.

Requirement of the prompts pretty much! There was probably a more imaginative way to do it, but it failed my imagination. My first story idea for the prompts strongly considered some kind of lizardperson sex fic. Stooge is cool, though. I might have to work references to it into other works.

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"Friends don't send friends to Hell!"

That may be the only joke in this chapter, but I laughed really hard.

Yay! Gotta love a laugh. It’s one of those lines you don’t expect to need to say at a slumber party.

Lupa’s “It’s a mystery” in reply to Shannon’s musing about her nature was also meant to be a little funny (along with Shannon possibly purposely missing the point). Swing and a miss I guess

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Something else I liked was the exploration of the character motivations, especially for Lupa, with the motive she told herself she had, along with the self-destructive motive she actually had.

There’s the Lupa she puts out – hardass, sarcastic, aggressive, cussing and gratuitous Spanish, basically fronting like she’s some kind of gangbanger – and there’s the real Lupa, who looked up to her hard-but-fair ex-military Teacher Mom and her soppy-stern programmer Dad and grew up as a gamer girl in a nice neighbourhood, went to chuch with her Mom, and then one awful night it all went to shit, along with her faith, and if it hadn’t been for the Golem in her boyfriend’s basement things would have gone even worse for her… I have got to tell that story someday, if the muses let me. While this stuff might keep her from the brink, she’s probably going to take a while to get off that self-destructive path – luckily she’s got friends to support her!

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Shannon gets to do some deep thinking as well.

I fell long before I had the chance to serve as they do in the mortal realm. I heard my old patrol partner became the Angel of Conception. I wonder if I’d have worked with her in some way? Could there have been something in my nature of aid to mortal reproduction? I’ll never know.”

On the one hand, this did kind of make me laugh a little (Lailah, the Angel of Conception, and Chastia, the Angel of What Comes Before Conception), but it is also kind of a somber moment, with Shannon wondering about the life she could have had.

At least part of the joke landed! Heh. I can’t help but feel that for a certain kind of demon, those thoughts are not uncommon. Eparlegna is fucking happy he missed out on working in heaven (He’s got a “Better to reign on Earth” attitude …) , but Shannon has some regrets. I feel it also helps suggest that there was a proper reason for Shannon’s drives and inclinations rather than The Creator just messing with her. Perhaps Lucifer and the other Seraphim already had an idea of the various roles the Angels had been created to fulful in the long run, and it helped him when he got her to join his cause. If I ever get the darn Fall of Chastia story finished I’m sure I’ll find out  

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Finally, the use of the Wrath of Khan quote is brilliant.  It's somewhat funny, but it also shows the relationship between the two characters.  Shannon knows Kizzy well enough to make a Trek reference, but beyond that, she knows her well enough to know that that particular reference will likely get through to her, to communicate to her perfectly what Shannon is trying to say.

Thank you! First draft I was thinking of using a lot more of the sort of smutty sexual stuff that Shannon comes out with a lot, but it just didn’t work with Kizzy. Instead, Shannon sits there, quietly, tries to get Lupa to leave for safety, thinks about how Kizzy obviously really doesn’t want to send her back to Hell (or she’d have done it already) so rather than manipulation she’s talking to try and get through as you say. Shannon’s a people person! It’s a mixture of that, and Lupa questioning why it was necessary for Kizzy to be on Earth, and the fact that she knows her creator is not sadistic (it’s a fictional universe, can’t apply it to this real world I kid! I kid! Well, kinda...) that all contributes to her inhuman thought process and… bam! group hug! Time to go find a scruff!

Thank you again! I’m glad this part worked and I hope it hasn’t too badly contradicted the original spirit of the story or introduced too many new continuity errors.

Edited April 12, 2019 by JayDee