InBrightestDay

In case anyone else is feeling left out, I did also leave reviews for @JayDee and @InvidiaRed’s stories. It just took me longer to get JayDee’s done, because I fell asleep.

If you’re waiting on me, you should probably go ahead. I spent a while thinking about this, trying to write Meaningful Gifts, and eventually came to a decision...and by eventually I mean earlier today. Meaningful Gifts began as a story called Cold Comfort (which itself was based on a heart-crushingly sad story on Literotica that I wanted to do a happier version of). Then, while I was coming up with the idea of MG, Halloween happened, and I had an idea for a story that was very similar to MG, but took place at and after a Halloween party, this one called For One Night Only. I had assumed I would never write Cold Comfort, and would only use the ideas for Meaningful Gifts, but the more time I spent trying and failing to keep MG distinct from For One Night Only, the more I began to think it might be better to merge the elements I liked from one of those into the other. End result: Meaningful Gifts is not going up. Instead, the elements of the relationship I really like will, I think, be absorbed into For One Night Only, which will go up on Halloween. In addition, there is a good possibility that I will eventually end up writing Cold Comfort after all, though I don’t plan that to be a Holiday Party release. I’m really sorry for anyone I’ve disappointed here. I know my promise to write MG was part of what caused this party to happen.

AAAAAH! You noticed it before I did! Well, uh...thank you for doing the job I was too incompetent to do!

Just a quick update here. A lot is happening around my house, including trying to write something else as kind of a surprise for someone, and just feeling like I’m being crushed by work, so in spite of the fact that it takes place on Christmas, Meaningful Gifts is probably going to be up on or around New Year’s instead. I’m really sorry about this, but then again I feel like the same thing happened with Moonlit Snow, so evidently this is just a thing that happens with my holiday stories.

One day late to mention this, but Chapter 5 is up!

If you just mean you need someone to proofread, I can do that.

Aw, I liked Memories. True, it requires some prior reading, hence why some folks didn’t “get” it, but I thought it was a really sweet story, and I don’t think you should feel bad about it.

I think one of the problems here is that nobody knew if there was going to be a party until you posted that question. As a result, at least one story that would have been a chapter in the party, Invidia’s Winter Blessing, ended up being posted as a standalone story instead. I’m having issues with the internet at my house (I’m typing this on my phone; for those wondering, this is why I haven’t responded to reviews or PMs, and why I haven’t reviewed Winter Blessing yet), but those issues should be resolved soon. I will begin work on Meaningful Gifts and keep an eye on this thread. If no one else responds, I’ll likely stop writing that and work on something else, but if there are other replies, I will do my best to have it done by Christmas Day.

Late again (dang it!) but Chapter 4 is up. We get to know some more characters and begin planting the seeds of what’s to come.

AAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH! Well, I had written quite a lot here, and then went to open another tab to check something, and in the process accidentally clicked the little x at the top of this one, closing it, and while AFF sometimes saves what I’m writing, this time it didn’t. *sigh* Alright, let me try and recreate all of it. First off, I’m obviously way behind on getting involved in this thread, and that has to do with work. I got back from Thanksgiving vacation, and then was promptly scheduled to work seven days in a row. I thought I’d have time on Tuesday, but my little brother decided to come into town for Christmas early, so my mom had me helping her get a bedroom ready for him, moving furniture with her, running down to Goodwill to drop stuff off and basically spending the day running errands, and then it was back to work Wednesday, but I’m here now! I don’t have any fascinating behind the scenes details to share about the creation of Chapter 2, as while I was heavily involved in re-writing a lot of the early parts of the story, this is the one chapter where I didn’t do that; not one word of that is mine. Of course, since I didn’t do that...mini-review! I really like the concept of what @Sparrow calls the eyrie (after the term for the nest of a large bird of prey). In the story that inspired this one, I don’t think the hell flyers had any sort of communal sleeping area, but this is an idea I’ve seen in movies and pulp adventure stories going way back: the place the monster puts someone it’s not ready to eat yet. This is also where we first meet Cindy, and this was yet another character I’d never heard of before (it’s funny, because character-wise this story contains a mix of “Oh yeah, I know them” and “who the hell…?”). I seem to recall she’s from something Sparrow wasn’t super fond of; I think he said she was the only really good thing to come out of that story arc or something. I really like her interactions with Chun-Li, especially Highlight of the chapter is still Chun-Li strangling the hell flyer through the bars of her “cell”. Something I didn’t quite realize was going on when I read Chapter 1 and saw Chun-Li hit the thing with a kikoken was that Sparrow was giving it a distinguishing feature. By injuring it in a specific way, he made sure we could tell that one apart so we can see Chun-Li get some very satisfying payback here. And yeah, also guilty of confusing Marvel’s Spinneret with the webcomic Spinnerette. I’d never even read the webcomic, merely knowing about it through TV Tropes, but it was enough to cause a mixup. Sparrow found me an online version of the comic that showed how we got the Spinneret that appears here (no spoilers, so I can’t discuss more), and I was actually rather pleased to find out there was a universe where One More Day had never happened. Always a good thing. I freaking loved JayDee’s summary of the moment I asked that question, by the way. It turned into a cool WitS moment, though, so it all worked out! To be fair, I’m blanking on other candidates for this myself, and as for keeping Harry from being too OP, we did have a readily available out. I won’t spoil anything for anyone who doesn’t know about the source material for this story, but you may have noticed that while magic works in the Necropolis, it’s getting nerfed somewhat. That nerfing is variable, but not random, and results in a lot of magic-based characters being significantly weaker than they ought to be (this will come up again in, I think, Chapter 8 or 9). I did get somewhat more involved here, writing some of the new stuff inthe action scene involving Harry. Originally, as mentioned, he would have had his natural magic, but no training, so he couldn’t really fight. When he gained five years worth of Hogwarts schooling, he obviously gained the ability to participate, so I put in some stuff about him hitting zombies with the disarming spell, which isn’t the best thing for actually hurting them, but expelliarmus is kind of his signature move, and I don’t know if he’d learned enough to throw an incendio at any of them (also that might have just resulted in flaming zombies, sending things from bad to worse). The other two characters, Black Widow and April, are doing pretty much the same stuff as Sparrow originally wrote for them. I can’t wait to discuss this, and my initial reaction to it, when it actually happens. I mean “Baby Got Back” isn’t that...*Googles*...1992. Holy shit, that’s 28 years ago. Man, now I feel old. Also, Damn it, JayDee! Now that’s stuck in my head. I...I can speak no more of this here. As for why the character in the next chapter doesn’t provide the Terminator line, I always assumed the line’s use here was intended as foreshadowing. Regarding the next chapter itself, I personally like it, though I do know things slow down for some scene-setting. I’ll talk about it more when we get there.

Late on this (to the point that JayDee already left a review!) but Chapter 3 is up.

Chapter 2 is up!

Alright, I have a review for another story to write today, but I must leave soon, and I’m not entirely sure what the internet situation will be like. The review I can do on my phone, though it’ll take quite a while, but this will be easier to do here now, so with that in mind, reviewing another story being a thing done later today or tonight, for now let me finally address @Thundercloud’s review for the final chapter of The Woman in the Statue. About the action scene, believe it or not, I kind of figured that would be what happened, at least to some extent. If I do any future stories with Luzurial, I can go into more detail with how her powers work and hopefully establish more of an idea of just how much energy any given attack consumes, but with this setup (the fact that she’s in a weakened state for most of the story and can barely use any of her powers), the only one we knew about was divine fire, which uses 100% of Luzurial’s power, and then it very sklowly comes back. Aside from that, I couldn’t think of a good way to establish how the system worked without slowing down the action. I’m not saying there wasn’t a good way, mind you; I just didn’t think of it. I also knew right off the bat that I needed to keep this phase of the fighting shorter than the others...because it’s just fighting. It’s one of the things you get away with far more easily on film than you do in prose. In a movie or other visual medium, Eparlegna and Luzurial duking it out at full power is something I could show on screen in ten or fifteen seconds, but those seconds take a lot of descriptive text (the old saying, “a picture is worth a thousand words” is very true when you’re trying to describe something visually), and the longer that text went on the more it would start to drag. To that end, I did my best to cut it down, just having a few flashy attacks from Eparlegna (the tentacles and the red lightning) and then move into the character-based part of the fight with Luzurial’s interaction with the mortals, as you noted. Thank you! Milyn is sort of from someone else’s story (I’ve updated the Author’s Note to point that out, because I stupidly forgot about it at the time of posting ). TimeWise has shown up on this thread before for reviews, and the whole reason for that was my asking if I could create my own version of the character. Since Conversion, her story of origin, is a fantasy story set in a completely different world, so I had to find a real-world religion she would fit into. I looked at her name, and one source indicated that it might be based on the Slavic element milu, meaning “gracious” or “dear”, and built on that, thinking she might be Eastern Orthodox, and finally went with Serbian Orthodox and settled on Belgrade as the city where she was born. Her personality in her original story fit perfectly with what I wanted to do here, as she has a low opinion of herself but is clearly a rather unreliable narrator due to low self-esteem, and that fit with the idea that people have caught on that champions exist, but still haven’t quite figured out who they are. Thank you! JayDee had made a point during Whore of Heaven that God had fully trusted humanity to deal with Eparlegna on their own. Now, due to the focus on Luzurial as a character and her recovery from her trauma, I couldn’t not have her do that, but I really wanted to show that after 75 years of prep, humans are dangerous now, even to Eparlegna. It’s also a bit of character illustration for Eparlegna. He’s very calm and composed when things are going his way, as they are during WoH, but when things don’t go his way, he’s a very sore loser, and he will destroy the game before he will accept losing it. That scene was one I wrote even before I had finished the rest of the story, so JayDee had an advance preview. At the time I was just calling it “The Punishment of Eparlegna”, after the interlude in The Slumber Party of Evil Doom. I’ve always loved scenes where we get introduced to a really serious villain, and they’re more calm and quiet and all the more menacing for it. Thank you for following me all the way to the end here. I do indeed have more stories planned, and I hope you’ll enjoy them as well!

Authors: Sparrow and InBrightestDay Title: Mortuus Orbis Summary: No one knows how it happens. Plucked seemingly at random from their everyday lives, they are drawn to another place, a world where dark clouds blanket the sky above a bustling metropolis gone eerily quiet. From different worlds and different times, hero and villain alike are drawn inexplicably to this dead world. Here they must band together, try to learn how they came here and find out if there’s a way home. There are more immediate concerns, though. It will take all of their skills to survive, and even that might not be enough. Because the city may be dead, but it is not empty. Feedback: Reviews and constructive criticism very much appreciated! Fandom: Misc Video Games/RPGs > Crossovers Warnings: Angst, Bigotry, BMod, Hum, MCD, M/F, MiCD, Minor2, Preg, Racist, Rape, Tent, UST, Violence, Xeno Solo or chaptered story: Chaptered URL: http://games.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600091389 Review Reply thread: http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/topic/69143-mortuus-orbis-discussion-thread/ This is a collaborative project that Sparrow and I have been working on for quite a while now (going back to well before I finished WitS), and I’m happy to see it finally posted here. I’d say it’s mostly horror, though there’s definitely some character drama as well, and more action scenes happen as the story progresses.

Oh no that’s not what I meant! I appreciate that you think i deserve more reviews, but that was more of a “satisfied completion of task” thing than a “bemoaning too few reviews” thing. I know I’ve got reviews coming from at least one more person (maybe two), and after that it’ll be about sticking around, posting more stories and hoping people click on my “Stories Written” section Possibly. We might be tied. WitS has twelve chapters and you’ve reviewed all of them, while G.S.P. has thirteen chapters and I’ve reviewed twelve of them, though I will get that last one read (to avoid spoilers, I’ll just say I’m more than 1/3 but less than halfway through). Admittedly, if you’re tallying reviews for every story each of us has written, this gets more complicated...wait, why are we doing this as a competition? At any rate, I will get there. But first, time to respond to more reviews for the WitS finale! This one comes to us from @JayDee! It’s less than that, i guarantee it. I’m certain several hundred of those are me going in to have a chapter open as a reference when posting the next one (so I get everything formatted the same, make sure the disclaimer’s in the right place, etc.), checking to make sure the Author’s Note is right or just re-reading chapters to see if they’ve gotten worse since the last time I looked. Still, 2,800 or so ain’t bad. I’ll take your word for it. That’s yet another example of me catching something during the writing process. Originally, they were going to realize that Kevin was unguarded up there, and then just go up and get him, but then I realized that while there weren’t any traps on those floors, none of the PPD folks could know that, so it was much safer for them to stay where they were and for Kevin to be brought down after the battle was over. The property damage was sort of the inevitable follow-up to what was established way back in Whore of Heaven, where the reason the host can’t intervene because of the casualties that would result from a full-scale engagement. So I figured the armies of Heaven and Hell fighting all-out would pretty much destroy the Earth, similar to a nuclear war. So what’s the smaller version of that look like? I couldn’t allow it to go on too long (for reasons I’ll get to in the response to Thundercloud’s review), but I had to show at how much damage just one angel and demon were doing by themselves. I spent a while trying to come up with solid comebacks from Luzurial, but then in the end I realized it might be better if she didn’t even give it a response, and the more I thought about that, the more I liked it. The idea of the humans seeing her helping them, and them stepping up to help her, was all meant to build to the final moment, the “nuclear option” as you called it. See, this all goes back to something you said at one point when discussing the character and what happened 75 years prior. As you’ve explained, Kizzy would never have been trapped (well, not as completely as Luzurial), as she would have nuked the area and sacrificed Eparlegna’s prisoners for the greater good. it was only their bodies that would have been destroyed, after all But Luzurial, as you said, was just too nice. I spent quite a while thinking about that, wondering if there was a way for her to outgrow this weakness. Unfortunately, every time I came back to the same idea: that Luzurial would have to allow someone to die. And then it occurred to me that maybe this could be about realizing that some weaknesses shouldn’t be outgrown. Yes, the level of care Luzurial has for the mortals can be a weakness, but maybe it’s also a strength, and that was what I tried to show at the end, the moment of realization and acceptance that allows her all the way back to full power, where she can use Divine Fire. I picked moments where her treatment of humans was paid back, essentially, and in this chapter I showed how a mortal champion (Sister Milyn) and then National guard forces all rallied around her, epitomized by their brief bit of fighting together (Luzurial puts up a barrier to protect them, and then the moment she drops it everyone opens fire). Thank you so much! I loved your description of her glowing eyes in WoH (“the suddenly glowing maelstrom of her eyes”), and I wanted something that was at least a little like that, so the idea of the core of a star came up, and that was about the best I could do. So, fun fact, the line Lucifer has there is taken from something Loki says in The Avengers, where he orders the people of Stuttgart to kneel. They hesitate, and he kind of loses it a bit: “I said...KNEEEL!!!” His loss of control there is, I think, indicative of his status as the bad guy of the story, but ultimately not the overarching villain, as even back then, Thanos was being hinted at as the man behind Loki. Here, Lucifer is in his element and remains in control, and we get just a hint of his shifting emotions with the weird effect on his voice. I mean, I might have come up with a gag for Kevin and his handily expendable leg… And yeah, I loved the kissing too, as well as the way she’s basically excited for Kevin to see her wings for the first time. Luzurial’s explanation of why she wants to continue her relationship with Kevin are a continuation of the beat from Part Ten, and sort of my thoughts on action heroes and heroines and their significant others. It does seem to be important to the drama that the love interest not be completely removed from the central conflict of the story, but at the same time I feel like it really ought to be ok for a combat-capable character to have a non-combatant love interest. It makes writing the story a bit trickier, but I do think it should be seen as something permissible. So, JayDee knows this, but for those who don’t, there were two endings for this story. The first one, which I thought of as the Patience ending, was where Luzurial could come back to see Kevin again, but only to spend a little time with him, and to let him know that he would have to wait; to live a good life and do the work he needed to do here, and then, when the time finally came, she would be waiting for him at the gate. I love stories about people who are willing to wait a lifetime for each other, but it was definitely a bittersweet ending. The second ending, which I called the Sunrise ending, was the one you see here, where Luzurial is granted the right to visit Earth every year and spend a day with Kevin. This was less bittersweet, and it also left the door open for possible future stories, where Luzurial is visiting Kevin, something preternatural happens and she gets drawn into it. JayDee and I were talking via email, and they said something about kind of not wanting to see Luzurial and Kevin broken up, and that, along with the possibility of future stories, was what nudged me toward settling on the Sunrise ending. I don’t know exactly how much free time I’ll have to write everything, but I will absolutely continue writing, and thank you again for everything.

Skipping a little in the order, as JayDee’s reviews are huge and I have a limited amount of time here so I’ll get to theirs after work, we have the final review from Symbalistic. Thank you so much! That was the main thing I worried about, and hearing that you enjoyed it is a huge relief. There was definitely some anime influence here, and that moment you actually mentioned definitely brought to mind a certain piece of anime music you’ve no doubt heard. The actual moment with Luzurial remembering things, regaining the last of her self-confidence and releasing a massive attack would be from 2:05-2:55 or so. Yes, “You Say Run” really does go with everything. Thanks for coming on this trip with me, and I’m glad I could give you a fun read.

It’s been a long road...gettin’ from there to here… The Woman in the Statue is finally complete and posted in its entirety, so let’s get to the reviews for Part Twelve. First up is one from @InvidiaRed. It would be nice to be published some day. For now, thank you so much for the compliment! Yeah, we took different approaches to portraying Lucifer in these stories. Yours was intended, from my read, to be somewhat comedic, and generally not as smart as he thought he was. I went with “intimidating”, or at least sought to. Setting him in contrast to Eparlegna, Lucifer was meant not to be in any way a better person, but rather the more dangerously intelligent villain, and one who has, by now, become deeply irritated by this particular demon’s antics. I went back and forth a bit about what kind of angel Lucifer had been before the Fall. The book of Ezekiel describes what might be Lucifer’s fall, and uses the word cherub, and since I was rolling with the imagery used in the Bible being literal instead of symbolic (technically the images of angels we have show up in visions, which tend to be laden with symbolism, so there aren’t any “this is what an angel looks like” literal descriptions in the Bible; just descriptions of how people react to an angel in its natural form), the cherub imagery is pretty insane (four wings, four different heads, skin like metal and eyes all over the place), and a demonic creature based on a cherub would have looked really horrifying. However, other sources seem to have Lucifer as either an archangel (what you went with, I believe) or a seraph, and the seraph sounded really striking as well. The tie-breaker came from Islam, wherein as far as I can tell Iblis is a fallen jinn, which in the Quran are elemental fire creatures, hence the portrayal of Lucifer here as a fallen seraph. As for the quote, yeah, never piss off your boss when your boss is the scariest thing in a place full of scary things. Yeah, this is sort of the result of the world building I did to explain why angels think they have to be celibate. Going all the way back to Part Three, where I brought in the hierarchy and explained that only the Seraphim speak directly to the Creator, so if a mistake happens (and no one thinks to ask for clarification), it can potentially stick...for like billions of years. Thank you for the review, and thank you for following me all the way to the end here!

Ok, one last review for WitS Part Eleven, this time from @Thundercloud. So, remember how I said I’d explain why I took JayDee’s recommendation to break things up when I got to Thundercloud’s review? Well… That right there is pretty much it. There is so much action in this finale that I was afraid that people would get numb to it if they read it all at once. Thus, I broke off the archangel vs. dragon proper section and put that in the final chapter along with the denouement, while the “on foot” combat took place here. There is an element of this that’s going to come up in the finale when you get to it. It was already there, but I actually added some of what you said here to the final chapter. I didn’t add an entire scene or anything, but there’s a little bit during the fight where Luzurial reflects on what, in hindsight, would have made things easier, but she didn’t do that, and you are precisely right about ultimately what’s going on. This is just who she is. Yep! I rewrote that moment a little and, unfortunately, accidentally left a piece of the first version in there. Thank you for pointing that out, and it has been fixed. I’ve mentioned this in some of the other review responses, but “You dropped something” is one of three lines in this finale that I absolutely loved, the others being “My name is Luzurial” and “Enjoy Hell.” “You dropped something” in particular is probably the first one I came up with, and I liked setting it up as just a cruel taunt from Eparlegna that Luzurial then gets to throw back at him. Luzurial’s recovery, as I outlined it when writing this, essentially comes in three steps. Step one is the moment where she completely throws off the “My name is Whore” thing from WoH and reclaims her sword, and step two is what you just pointed out, where she gets her wings back. She’s most of the way there, but there's a little tiny bit left to go, which happens in the next chapter. You are correct, though, in that this is what puts her most of the way there. Thank you again for the review, and I hope you enjoy the last chapter!

Bear in mind that when I said “commonly depicted as female” I’m referring to art you’ll find if you Google “her”. Officially, basically every angel other than Lailah is officially depicted as male (and certainly every canonical angel), thus in the Wikipedia article on Jophiel, he’s referred to as he/him, and is depicted as male in the stained glass window used for illustration. As I said, I suspect that portrayal as female is due to the name, and as I include both male and female angels in the WitS-verse, Jophiel seemed a natural way to include at least one woman in the Seven Archangels. Since “she” is non-canonical anyway (not mentioned in the Bible), and I don’t think angels are actually male or female to begin with (though they can take male or female forms when they choose to look like humans), I didn’t think it would be a problem. That and that illustration of the armored, red-headed archangel was so striking that I so wanted to have that as a character. Not sure when she’ll come up, but if I do future stories in the universe, there is a chance… What I’m getting at is that WitS Jophiel is female, but you can use either male or female should you choose to employ the character. Here is the Wikipedia article I mentioned above. As for Duncan himself, that’s really interesting. The idea of scars being sort of metaphysical and passing back through different incarnations, almost like they’re four-dimensional or something, is fascinating. Obviously not fun for him, but fascinating.

Part Twelve of Twelve is up.

I had wanted to respond to this a while back, but for some reason just didn’t. Let me remedy that now. I realize this might have been a purely hypothetical thing, but if you ever did want to have Duncan meet a friendly angel, I’d suggest the Archangel Jophiel, actually. Similar to Luzurial (down to wielding a flaming sword), but with the benefit of not having been made up by JayDee or me, and of having an actual Hebrew name! Jophiel’s name, יוֹפִיאֵל, translates as “divine beauty”, and as such the angel is commonly depicted as female. She’s listed by Pseudo-Dionysius as one of the seven archangels (along with Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel, Camael and Zadkiel), but I suspect she would have counseled against attempted deicide because Jophiel is the archangel of wisdom, understanding and judgment. She hasn’t shown up yet, but in the WitS universe, Jophiel is one of the seven vessels (the seven archangels), and her appearance is based on this stunning piece of art by Lorenz Basuki. I don’t know that it’s a specific archangel, but the first time I saw it, someone was using it for Jophiel, and the image stuck. Uh...I realize that sounded like I was pitching the character. Sorry if it sounded like I was pushing. Duncan’s got other things to do for the moment! He’s gotta talk to a spider. On the subject of Duncan himself, you mention that an angel, or archangel anyway, could see the damage done to him. Can others? Is it visible to his husband, for instance?

Finally before I go to bed, a short but sweet one by Symbalistic. Thank you so much for the review! This was one of the moments in the story that I’d been building up to for a long time, and it was a very emotional one for me too. I’m really glad it’s been going over so well with readers!