Desiderius Price

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“I’m pro-life and lets help incubate a pesky virius into a more virulent strain by avoiding vaccinations, ripping off those masks, and lets all get together for a big hug!”

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Now left Jeff (my MC) in the outdoor shower.

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You gave the criticism with kid gloves, which was very polite, thank you. As I lack an editor and no beta either, so I gotta rely on proofreading a week or two after I write it (I try to wait that long, but sometimes my posting finger gets twitchy). Thus, I realize the treasure in having a reader willing to write criticism in a review (may take a bit of time for it to sink in). If you really wanted to read where I started, my potter fanfics on FF.net (under the penname Dragon Voldemort), the first one. Full dialogue, zero exposition, present tense, and head-hopping mixed first and third person—and I can’t bring it to AFF because it’s technically fanfic of a fanfic. A few years in, I had gotten this brilliant notion that larger chapters were better, so I consolidated the sequel’s chapters, 20+ of the earlier chapters into one, which resulted in a 107kword chapter (single chapter that big), and though it did shave some words down to 504k, it suffered (scenes ran together, and the like). All my originals (including Halloween & Holiday fics) are set in the same verse, exploring different facets of the society I created. Fiends is definitely the main story, though, but unfinished because of all this backstory I’m writing. For the finished longer stories, Alaska Trekkers is about the most complete, focuses on two that join Jaimie’s cause. Repair Guy will be up for revision. Dale’s Game … think it needs to be fixed to end where it should’ve ended (first pass ended it prematurely). For currently revising, it’s definitely Jefferey, an episodic serial that follows the story of Jeff, which lets me explore the verse from the POV of the skeptic group and the advocacy they’re up to. I’ve tentatively considering another episodic serial, that’ll be from the POV of a cop in this society. There’s a process that’s administered by the US Department of Homeland Morality (DHM). Reports are typically received from concerned citizens when kids exhibit creativity, spark, intelligence, curiosity, and apply it in a non-religious fashion; because we can’t have a bunch of malcontents/deniers/atheists/apostates running around in a religious society, now, can we? The response escalates with time, starting off with a firm conversation with parents/family. The Lighthouse Division will assign a shepherd, a person of similar age to get into the target’s social circle to be their friend, to guide the target along a path toward spiritual enlightenment (& conversion if necessary). For targets where these efforts are ineffective, well, their case is handed off to the Darwin Division for “natural selection” out of society/life – exact methods are varied on a case by case basis, accidental or self-inflicted reasons are the better ones. Sometimes the solution is a contractor “janitors”, other times, it’s delegation to local gospel keepers (“wasps” from the skeptics POV) who defend the bible and exact their own extra-judicial methods against the target. So, why Jaimie? He was in kindergarten when he was first reported, unusually early. His grandmother is loosely associated with the group of skeptics, and she had hooked him up with special software at an early age to let him create his own private network, a fancy discord/yahoo-group like thing, that bypasses the censorware that infiltrates all electronics. As he’s at the center, with the manifesto, his shepherd is a relative to the POTUS, his young age, he’s adored by the wife of the local head wasp so he can’t be taken outthat way, and it requires POTUS approval to officially “solve” the problem. Also, the POTUS doesn’t have only one, Jaimie’s growing network means hundreds of eligible youth, and he’s not wanting to take that sort of action with his re-election underway, it’d take one complaining parent/family to plaster the unpleasantness across the news cycles. This is why POTUS is entertaining alternative ideas from his subordinates. So, yeah, complicated Anyways, thanks for the reply.

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A review, a review, can’t sleep until I answer! Thanks @InBrightestDay for reviewing Fiends (http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108097 ). Reviews tickle better than any hit-count metric, better than gold, yet very rare around here. Onto replying to the review. Thanks! This is the main story of what’s becoming a series. It’s also where I started on the writing, and been about five years since the last edit, so it’ll be a tad rough as I’ve improved my writing style since then (I hope). Never been to the state myself, so I’m guessing with Google Maps. Anyways, Dolbourne is loosely based on Melbourne and it’s area, but I gave it a new name to protect their reputation and it lets me customize the geography/layout to suit my story. I’ll likely be able to recraft the chapter a bit better when I get the other backstories finished, especially Dolbourne Chronicles (the direct prequel here), and get back around to working on this specific story – in all likelihood, this chapter one will be split apart into multiple chapters on revision, there seems to be a lot there. Jaimie’s been listed for natural selection, that requires POTUS authorization for under 16s in that era, as the usual unofficial method of achieving that effect is blocked off. Also, US is...it’s involvement in world affairs has been curtailed by then. Don’t like perfect characters, too unrealistic, they’ve all got pluses & cons in my stories. Have to admit I like my MCs in that state… not sexual, not exhibition, more of an acceptance of their own bodies and not having (or dispelling) the sense of shame that’d normally preclude them from going naked in a public setting. I am (& will be) developing that in the prequel. As this story progresses, it’s something Jaimie will leverage to his advantage. I’ll be exploring this relationship a bit more when I get back around to revising Dolbourne Chronicles, which will be the direct prequel; but mutually antagonistic at this stage appears to be what I’m going for. (I do plan for that to evolve that relationship for the better, it’s a phase right now). A nice thing with writing this age group, as a whole, they can be very intelligent one moment, very stupid the next, and that’s character Also, this age’s required for what I’m trying to pull off, need characters bull-headed enough to think they can pull off what they’re being asked to pull off, and foolish enough to go through with it – hallmark of teenagers. Sure, could find some older ones too, but in this society, there are plenty of other options for natural selection. At least you know he’s staying well hydrated! While revising my potter fanfic, noticed I had this a lot too, been reducing (but not eliminating) as I progress there. When I had first started writing, it had been proper sentences, no contractions, everybody getting their points across, but that’s not realistic. One tip I had read about was adding in the cut-off, and I got carried away with it. I’m on the lookout for those when I revise; tossing, keeping, and revising depending on circumstances. Hint taken, I’m trying to be more careful with the cut-offs and use them a bit more sparingly. Thanks. I keep reminding myself this started from one unpublished PWP short drabble. I’m currently revising Jefferey, alternating between it and my potter fanfic (that’s on AO3).

Yep, I know how authors are. I figured that was the lion’s share of my 95% estimate (pulled out of the ever reliable Millennium Year Application Software System).

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“Completed” – thinking that eliminates at least 95% of the stories.

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Then you don’t do it. Nevermind the author has a life outside of writing and is doing this for free as a hobby.

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Congratulations. A finished story, that’s a marvel!

Jefferey #8 is up.

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