InBrightestDay

InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread

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I’m aware that I have received two absolutely wonderful reviews for the latest chapter of WitS, and have yet to respond to them.  I am currently working on the final chapter, which is why I haven’t responded.  I promise that within the next day or two I will respond to both JayDee and InvidiaRed.  Many thanks to both of you! :)

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On 10/16/2020 at 1:40 PM, JayDee said:

Good Luck. We’re all counting on you.

Surely you can’t be serious.

Alright, well, two reviews for The Woman in the Statue Chapter 10!  First one comes from the always awesome @JayDee!

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Had to read it through again after that preview! One thing I didn't say before, I think it really benefits from being extended again from the original story length. Allowing the extra detail and words really emphasises that they're not just having an easy trip up the building and also gives more insight into both bad and good guys!

Thank you!  What you mentioned there is, in fact, one reason this finale got so much longer.  Originally, we’d get to the bottom of the tower where the Gungnir shootout took place, and then we would cut to Luzurial arriving at the top floor.  And then I was like “in how many D&D games do you just skip all the way to the top of the bad guy’s tower?  No no, that is not how this is done!  As such, the heroes working their way up the tower became a story element all its own.

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surely it is now canon that in the K-Team earth Michael Van Dijk is much the same except he’s a not a dude, but instead called Karen Van Dijk. Still way evil though

:blink: Has Karen Van Dijk appeared in any of the stories?  I can’t remember.

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Cassie definitely shifting into too dumb to live territory. I mean, Eparlegna’s track record with women in uniform isn’t great at the best of time. I did like her explanation that she’s not much of one for faith. Gotta love Eparlegna’s Darth Vader line.

I don’t know if I’d planned how Cassie was going to die all the way back when she first appeared in Chapter 3, but by the time we hit Chapter 4, I knew it was going to be that her doubts just pushed Eparlegna a little too far.  In anticipation of that, I kept bringing up that she’s the one with the most misgivings.  Not that she has moral objections to what they’re doing, just that she doesn’t trust that Eparlegna is as in control as he thinks he is.  In that sense, she’s both right and wrong.  He is underestimating the heroes, but he also does have a plan.

I’ll get into this in InvidiaRed’s review response, but the Darth Vader line is definitely a result of trying to keep him in line with your portrayal. :D

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So, down to the unfinished floor – The prism trap is a pretty cool idea. I’d be like “Just gonna test it some more” and throw in like Neapolitan ice cream to see if it split that properly.

:lol: When I was coming up with traps, I had the idea for the fractal impalement trap, which was the sort of visceral horror, but I wanted something else too, something a little more magical and out there, and the matter prism seemed like a good idea.

Leary catching the use of the wrong term for Chloe was part of my drive to give every character something cool to do.  Unfortunately I ended up cutting Cole’s moment, as it was tied to a plot point that I realized was redundant, but hopefully I can give him one in a future story.

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Great badass moment of Luzurial just tearing the door out an using it as a shield. That’d be an “Oh crap” moment on the other side. Abdul so shocked by the door rescue he doesn’t even have a joke to make!

I had way more fun with that little scene than I thought I was going to.  I had planned for it to be a simple shootout, but then I realized they would need cover as they entered the room, and realized that even in her weakened strength, Luzurial can just rip the door out of the wall.  Abdul’s “There’s something you don’t see every day.” definitely made me chuckle a little.

I’m glad you liked the line I gave Eparlegna.  It can be a challenge to write his dialogue, so it’s always a relief when I hear that I got it right.  Kevin’s line is just me realizing that he has to say something after watching a woman burn alive from the inside out, and in this case he may be so stunned that he doesn’t consider whether or not it would be wise to say anything, and just vocalizes the first thing to come to his mind, which is something vaguely snarky.

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That needle in the arm made me shudder. I guess it’s something to fuck Kevin over with when Luzurial arrives rather than just to hurt him?

Oh, that needle’s coming back next chapter, believe you me.

I appreciate the support for Luzurial’s actions there.  As I said, I threw the idea out there because I found it funny, I remember you liked it, and then I got worried about whether or not it was a good idea in the first place.  Thank you again!

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This whole section of text where Luzurial compares evil acts to good ‘blasphemies’ is just awesome. It’s like the whole moral background of the universe here. Religion doesn’t even get a look in, it’s being a decent person that matters. Which is why even demons can be redeemed. Well, maybe not Eparlegna.

Saw the little call backs to Mike Rapes a Dyke (my worst ever story title!) and Pandemic Head there! Cadence probably wishing she could see her hated cousin fall from her box under the bed. Some of the shit she did before she was a head probably wouldn’t impress Luzurial too much either, even being decades before, but I guess she can sympathise with someone trapped for decades by a right bastard.

Thank you for that as well!  The theology of WitS has always been sort of based on The Last Battle.  Essentially, you don’t have to be religious to do good things, and it’s how you live your life and how you affect other people that matters.

I don’t know that MRaD has the worst title of any of your...stories...well, ok, I can’t come up with a challenger at the moment, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one!  The stuff Cadence did is probably why Luzurial left her there under the bed.  She’ll be fine, as fine as a head in a box can be, anyway, and after all the stuff she’s done or tried to do, making her wait longer is perhaps a light sentence.
 

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“Very well,” she said.  “I will grant your request.  There will be a slight delay…” she focused her gaze through the windows behind him, looking down toward the street, “…approximately eight seconds, before you will be introduced to my superiors.”

Loved this especially. That was pretty funny but also kind of badass. At least one of her superiors can be on fire enough that he’d think he’d got to hell early.

Heh.  That is indeed true concerning her superiors.  The “slight delay” idea is one that also made me grin, just thinking that she would know exactly how long it would take, and encouraging him, like “You’ve got less than ten seconds to live.  Maaaybe think about some of the stuff you’ve done.  Regretting any of that yet?”

Thank you for the review, and I’ll see you again...ok, fair warning, the final chapter may come out Tuesday instead of Monday.  At any rate, see you later!

Edited by InBrightestDay

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2 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Surely you can’t be serious.

I am serious. And you can call me Shirley if you want.

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Thank you!  What you mentioned there is, in fact, one reason this finale got so much longer.  Originally, we’d get to the bottom of the tower where the Gungnir shootout took place, and then we would cut to Luzurial arriving at the top floor.  And then I was like “in how many D&D games do you just skip all the way to the top of the bad guy’s tower?  No no, that is not how this is done!  As such, the heroes working their way up the tower became a story element all its own.
 

Luzurial: “75 years ago I rolled a lot of nat 1s.”

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:blink: Has Karen Van Dijk appeared in any of the stories?  I can’t remember.

She’d be an amoral attorney down in California. Probably mostly defending Janet.

“This allegation that my client unleashed a tentacle monster on the school swim meet after some of the athletes bullied her son is preposterous. They were probably just using drugs!”

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Leary catching the use of the wrong term for Chloe was part of my drive to give every character something cool to do.  Unfortunately I ended up cutting Cole’s moment, as it was tied to a plot point that I realized was redundant, but hopefully I can give him one in a future story

 

Let him crossdress for a christmas story. Cole in stockings isn’t always a bad thing. Just me then…

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Oh, that needle’s coming back next chapter, believe you me.

Chekov’s needle!

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I appreciate the support for Luzurial’s actions there.  As I said, I threw the idea out there because I found it funny, I remember you liked it, and then I got worried about whether or not it was a good idea in the first place.  Thank you again!

If Great vengeance and furious anger isn’t in the job description then it ought to be.

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Thank you for that as well!  The theology of WitS has always been sort of based on The Last Battle.  Essentially, you don’t have to be religious to do good things, and it’s how you live your life and how you affect other people that matters.

CS Lewis: “Except Susan, though. ‘cos fuck her.”

No, I see it, you have that pretty much all the way through.

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Thank you for the review, and I’ll see you again...ok, fair warning, the final chapter may come out Tuesday instead of Monday.  At any rate, see you later!

Not long now… I’m sure it’ll be great! I wish I had your ability to finish stories people want to read!

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17 hours ago, JayDee said:

Let him crossdress for a christmas story. Cole in stockings isn’t always a bad thing. Just me then… 

JAAAYDEEEEE!!!

*sigh* You know I’m going to have to try and work that into the PRD story, right?  Abdul will probably start the joke about stockings full of-

Cole: “Don’t do it, man!  Just don’t do it.”

And for the second review, from @InvidiaRed

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You have no idea how excited I am when you upload.

Thank you!

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Of course, Eparlegna would rip off Darth Vader. But that's to be expected a vainglorious bully can't be expected to understand villanous flaire. Kinda see why he's always been the bridesmaid and never the bride.

So this is what I was talking about in my reply to JayDee’s review.  Something I’ve noticed about Eparlegna’s dialogue is that it’s a mix of more archaic, almost formal speech, like what one would expect out of an angel or demon, and modern vernacular.  The pattern was established by one of his first lines in Whore of Heaven, actually, when Luzurial orders him to leave Earth.

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“Pure one, these humans have an expression: Not in a million fucking years, bitch.”

It established that, for all that he views humanity as inferior and will torture and kill them just to amuse himself, Eparlegna nonetheless likes elements of our culture and uses them to spice up his vocabulary.  It made perfect sense to me that he’d quote a good Darth Vader line.

Of course, as you said, the fact that he’s doing that doesn’t actually reflect terribly well on him.

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Cassie blatantly telling him to his face he's going to lose again. Oh that was delightfully satisfying.

You know, for all that it directly provokes him into killing her, I can’t help but feel that a not-insignificant part of why he kills her is that Cassie just struck a nerve, similar to Kevin’s Sick BurnTM in the lecture hall.  And yeah, finally having someone outright say “You’re going to lose” is always kind of awesome. :D
 

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Every simple act of kindness, every altruistic decision, every child taught to love and every life made a little brighter were all credits to humanity.  They were all displays of what sapient life was meant to be.

And every single home broken, every family destroyed, every trust betrayed and every life ruined in the simple, willful pursuit of selfish desire, all of them were evil.  They were blasphemies against the Creator. This bit was so incredibly inspired

"you are everything Lucifer wishes your species to become.” That hit so hard, I shivered.

Thank you so much!  As I mentioned in the author’s note, I was concerned that, while I found “archangel pushes serial rapist out of a building” to be amusing, it might feel a bit...off.  I tried to compensate for that by trying to show Luzurial’s thought process leading up to it, and how disgusted and utterly incensed she is by this guy, and just how vile all of his rapes and abuse are, even when measured against the horror outside.  JayDee actually really helped here by writing Pandemic Head.  Having Michael still doing horrific things, like keeping his cousin’s severed head alive and prisoner indicates that he’s still a threat, and that it’s likely that his “at least one rape a year” pattern has likely slowed with old age, but probably hasn’t stopped.
 

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I strongly disagree, Luzurial commiting defenestration is one of the most angelic things I've ever read. Precisely, because it showcases in great detail her angelic nature. Clearly, She's a servant to a higher power and Van Dijk did in fact directly ask her to.

That's peak Luzurial.

:lol: Much like JayDee’s reaction, it seems.  Evidently what she does here is coming across as some level of righteous fury, an evil man coming up against something far more dangerous than he could imagine.

Thank you so much for the review, and I’ll see you again soon!

Edited by InBrightestDay

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