JayDee

JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

Recommended Posts

On 7/20/2014 at 8:24 AM, JayDee said:

Ohio Vanilla, a story of the most vanilla sex I could imagine for a little theme thing over on hentai-foundry's forum, because I was silly enough to pay attention and vote for it, and then felt somewhat obliged to write something. Oh, base mind of the JayDee! What cruelty you inflict on me!

Now, this is the least sexually arousing thing I have ever written, to the point that the resolutely NoSex tagged Friendship's Gift is sexier, mostly due to a barely dressed Khajiit and a regretful Orc with his pants down.
 

Was how I summed this story up previously, and, well, it holds true today.

Quote

@InBrightestDay

I'd meant to read this quite a while ago, but just never got around to it.  Well...better late than never!

Thank you for taking the time to read and review. It’s always nice to hear opinions on our work as writers!

Quote

I can't really do a point by point of everything that made me laugh, because a lot of what's so funny about this story is layered into the whole thing, the tone of voice, so to speak, of the narration.  I love that you wrote a sex scene that (as far as I can tell) you were directly attempting to make unsexy, but in this case due not to anything that happens in it but purely by presentation ("Shall we make love tonight?"  "We shall."), right down to having to tell the reader not to look over at the chair.

I kind of remembered this as being a really boring dull story – which was almost certainly the intent of the sex as a play on the vanilla theme! – but reading it back just now I see there really are some not terrible jokes in there. I didn’t want the reader looking at the non descript chair because then I would have had to describe it. I think some of the other entries in the hentai foundry contest actually did a pretty good job of sexy sex. Or one of them did. Maybe. It was ages ago and I am no longer a member.

Quote

Of course, just because the whole thing is written in an amusing way doesn't mean there were no moments in the story that were particularly funny.  In particular I love Mal's third best man candidate.

the third, explained that as a stereotypical black guy he would be contractually obliged to cuckold Mal on the wedding night while Val still wore her dress. Mal didn’t find the idea at all appealing, neither did Val who only had eyes for her husband, the prospective best man had really just been offended at being asked third.

I think he’s got a fair reason to be narked off! He’s the third fuckin’ choice on the list, “Oh, sure, I’ll be the best men when the other two have fuckin’ left the dimension or died. Asshole.”. If this was a Naruto/Hinata wedding story he’d have been balls deep in her by the third paragraph.

Quote

Also, I really want to see the demonic plate of spaghetti come up in something else now.

Now… who could have put a diabolical recipe for spaghetti on the internet? What fiendish fanfic writer might have been spreading her wings into other genres? Particularly given how a lot of the recipe blogs have around 10000 words of un-needed extra exposition about unrelated mattes that smack of narcissistic self interest...

Also, why did a banshee end up fighting the plate? Weird choice. I think there were points there where I just threw supernatural stuff in.

Thank you for the review! I do appreciate it, and I’m glad it didn’t feel a total waste of time to you. Hopefully. Thanks again!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/12/2019 at 3:55 PM, JayDee said:

but reading it back just now I see there really are some not terrible jokes in there.

A lot of the jokes are about how humorously unremarkable the couple is, but they work!  Ones that spring to mind are probably Mal’s introductory line, “did you know this is the place with the longest name beginning with X...” icebreaker line.  That it works makes the whole thing.

Quote

I didn’t want the reader looking at the non descript chair because then I would have had to describe it.

:lol:

Quote

I think some of the other entries in the hentai foundry contest actually did a pretty good job of sexy sex.

I actually imagine that’s right.  “Erotic Couplings” which is the vanilla stuff with no specific kinks, is the single largest category on Literotica (Incest is the second largest, and BDSM is third...I’m sure it’s a masochistic category so it enjoys being third).

I haven’t read any Naruto fanfics, so I’ll have to take your word on that one. :D

Quote

Now… who could have put a diabolical recipe for spaghetti on the internet? What fiendish fanfic writer might have been spreading her wings into other genres? Particularly given how a lot of the recipe blogs have around 10000 words of un-needed extra exposition about unrelated mattes that smack of narcissistic self interest…

That makes way too much sense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, InBrightestDay said:

A lot of the jokes are about how humorously unremarkable the couple is, but they work!  Ones that spring to mind are probably Mal’s introductory line, “did you know this is the place with the longest name beginning with X...” icebreaker line.  That it works makes the whole thing.

I don’t even remember if that is true and I’d heard, or if I made it up, or if it was true but isn’t now… Still, it clearly got Val going so eh…

Thank you for the new review on Under Joan’s Bed also! This was one I had ideas for, things to continue it with, that I never got around to. There was gonna be more demons coming and a friendly spider who also lived under the bed (it was gonna turn out it was actually the same spider each year mentioned early on, somehow living far beyond a normal spider span, talked to when she entered the monster’s half-world beneath the bed) and battles and tentacle fuckin’ and such.  I dunno, I might have to bring her back sometime in another story. Being a teen in the 90s with that SNES she’d be in her 30s or early 40s or so now, depending on when she hit 13 I guess.

Quote

@InBrightestDay

I really like something this story touches on, which is how we as humans deal with things that frighten us.  There's the impulse to run from it, the impulse to kill it, but then there's the other route.  If you can't escape something, you often find yourself attempting to humanize it, even befriend it.  If I'm out walking and am suddenly approached by a dog I don't know, which could be hostile, I have a marked tendency to start talking to it in a friendly way, hoping to adjust its mood and make it friendly.  That bit you describe where Joan starts rolling a present under the bed at Christmas is the best example of this sort of coping mechanism.

No present for the spider bro tho’! I guess she wasn’t scared of him. I’d definitely prefer a dog I don’t know to be friendly also! I guess it is a pretty good coping mechanism- I mean, she’s talking to it about everything by the time she’s older!

Quote

Granted, not all of us start fantasizing about the thing we're afraid of, but I guess that's a coping mechanism all its own!

It has to be said, that turn would absolutely work for a fear-of-dogs story. Ok, not for you, but for us degenerates.

Then again, what’s that thing about angels telling people not to be afraid…

Quote

The description of the demon is pretty cool too.  I love you describe it as having "too many teeth and not enough jawbones," which is wonderfully suggestive of multiple designs, like maybe it has no jawbones and a lamprey-like mouth, or maybe its lower jaw splits or something.  The mention of the suppurating lesions on its arm is a creepy detail as well, as is the stitched skin, a sort of Frankenstein's monster look.

It probably helps I didn’t lumber the mis-matched fucker with a backwards name. I think the idea was that it was wearing a suit made out of skin, rather than having its own skin stitched. The pink color probably being human. Or possibly it just shopped at Hot Topic.

Thanks tho! I’ll take pretty cool :)

Quote

And, of course, that ending.  Looks like befriending that which frightens you is a valid strategy!

Yeah, I dunno exactly what the monster did to the demon, but it was probably pretty happy to end up back in Hell.

Thanks again for the review! I apppreciate it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, JayDee said:

it was gonna turn out it was actually the same spider each year mentioned early on, somehow living far beyond a normal spider span

Yua’s secret backstory confirmed.

It actually sounds like something that would be fun to continue.  Out of curiosity, why did you go with writing it as a period piece?

Quote

It has to be said, that turn would absolutely work for a fear-of-dogs story. Ok, not for you, but for us degenerates.

Then again, what’s that thing about angels telling people not to be afraid…

I apologize for nothing.

Quote

It probably helps I didn’t lumber the mis-matched fucker with a backwards name.

The funny thing is that the prompt apparently came from someone named Agoras, which sounds like a cool name for a demon.  The skin-suit actually sounds like a cool and really creepy idea too!

Edited by InBrightestDay

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Yua’s secret backstory confirmed.

“Have you always lived on your own?”

“I had an apartment share back in the 90s. Wasn’t so bad except you could always hear the girl upstairs jilling off.”

Quote

It actually sounds like something that would be fun to continue.  Out of curiosity, why did you go with writing it as a period piece?

I can’t really remember. I might have intended for it to end with some kind of end of millenium sacrifice attempt which the Under The Bed crew would have broken up to save Joan. The original plan would have messed around with perception, too, like was it real or in Joan’s head (nobody else even saw the letters f’r example), but eventually turn out to be real.

Quote

 "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

“...I just skipped straight to fear boner. Dat halo tho’ ”

Quote

The funny thing is that the prompt apparently came from someone named Agoras, which sounds like a cool name for a demon.  The skin-suit actually sounds like a cool and really creepy idea too!

Is it bad that I read it and just thought “Oh, more than one Agora ?“

I blame being over educated and under skilled.

Thank you again for the reviews!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, JayDee said:

Is it bad that I read it and just thought “Oh, more than one Agora ?“ 

I blame being over educated and under skilled. 

If it is bad, you’re in good company.  Around Halloween, I had a lengthy conversation with InvidiaRed over insect mouthparts due to a throwaway line in his story, and just yesterday I made an author on another site blink by explaining how much research I had to do to figure out if you could use water to hide from something that sees infrared.

*notices everyone else staring*

It’s more complicated than it seems, okay?  The infrared spectrum is huge!

Edited by InBrightestDay

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Progress is going pretty slow for me. I’ve managed near 4000 words for short story for the xiphoid /xebec prompts, and absolutely extra inspired by GeorgeGlass’s suggestion of CPR, but then when I try to right the sex scenes it ain’t coming. As it were. Also I am not sure if there’s too much exposition, although I’m trying to have one character appear not entirely sane (I think not having a firm grip on the character’s true nature is causing some issues) and given to rambling and talking on.

Sample: (hopefully short enough to not breach forum rules, this new monitor is wider than I am used to)

Quote

The voice was female, richly timbred, somewhere between American and British. She focussed to see a woman who looked almost exactly like her mental image of Lady Asras. Over six feet tall in spike heeled sailor’s boots, perhaps 5’9 barefoot, a navy-blue skirt and a short-sleeve low cut top that would earn writers a top billing on the Men Writing Women subreddit if described in detail. Ava’s eyes went higher, to the green – emerald! In the story they were always emerald! - eyes and the midnight black hair that fell in heavy ringlets around her shoulders. She had a curved sword on her hip; in the story she had used it to cut the clothing from many a captain, whether the driven redhead on La Normandie, or the stern mistress of El Viajero.

Anyway. on a bright note another review for Under Joan’s Bed:

Quote

@Thundercloud

With a bit time to spare I took a look at this story and found it a bit funny and kind of clever.

Thank you for taking the time to read and review! And thank you for the compliment!

Quote

The upside of your writing here on AFF is that you have improved your craft a lot with years of practice. This becomes very obvious when looking at your older stuff like this story. The setup with the reader making guesses about what there is below the bed is smart and the finishing line of the story is pure gold.

And also for this compliment! I think part of the problem with my improving is that I then go for ages without writing again and the skills rust. The author Haruki Murakami sees writing as much like running – he figures if it isn’t done regularly the muscles fade and get out of practice and I feel he had a pretty good point. Thing is, I just don’t find myself able to motivate myself to write… I sometimes wonder if apparant improvement is simply that at different times I get back into it and almost become a different writer.

Quote

What is missing from making this a candidate into a JayDee's toplist is IMHO more explicit fantasies. If you could give us more details I think it would work even better than it does now. Another suggestion is that she did successfully masturbate in the shower...what about showing her making an attempt to masturbate in the bed but halfway through the fantasy she becomes disturbed about thinking her father put the monster there to hurt her. I think this could work as a buildup for successful masturbation in the shower and also even greater foreshadowing that her father intend to hurt her.

No biggie if you don't want revise this, but I think there is lots of potential here. I would love to see what you could do with this concept these days.

This was another of the weekly flashfic done back when there was a 1000 word limit. Now they can be short stories there’s more leeway (and so the current one I am doing is already way over that...) but otherwise this ran into the same issue you’ve correctly identified with some of the others – not enought words to tell all the juicy details. I can’t see me getting around to revising it along those lines although they’re good ideas – if you ever wanted to take the ideas and do your own take on it feel free! You’d surely do a better job than I ever managed anyway :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, JayDee said:

Anyway. on a bright note another review for Under Joan’s Bed:

Thank you for taking the time to read and review! And thank you for the compliment!

Glad that I could improve your day. I really liked the twist at the end.

11 hours ago, JayDee said:

And also for this compliment! I think part of the problem with my improving is that I then go for ages without writing again and the skills rust. The author Haruki Murakami sees writing as much like running – he figures if it isn’t done regularly the muscles fade and get out of practice and I feel he had a pretty good point. Thing is, I just don’t find myself able to motivate myself to write… I sometimes wonder if apparent improvement is simply that at different times I get back into it and almost become a different writer.

Makes me think of a quote from Swedish writer named Ellen Key...”Education is what remains after we forgot what we have learned”

It is obvious that Murakami is right, you simple don’t becomes a published author without continuing to train and loads of self discipline. On the other hand there is plenty of people that do running as time to spend their free time without ever hoping to win the marathon race. Looking at things from Keys perspective the fact that it feels daunting to revise old stuff is partly since education improve over time even if we turn rusty and we are able to see stuff in older stories we have written.  

11 hours ago, JayDee said:

This was another of the weekly flashfic done back when there was a 1000 word limit. Now they can be short stories there’s more leeway (and so the current one I am doing is already way over that...) but otherwise this ran into the same issue you’ve correctly identified with some of the others – not enough words to tell all the juicy details. I can’t see me getting around to revising it along those lines although they’re good ideas – if you ever wanted to take the ideas and do your own take on it feel free! You’d surely do a better job than I ever managed anyway :)

I totally understand your thoughts about revising the text. Looking at my old stuff always feels like a encounter with my ex-girl friend. Not that I have a real problem with the level of quality in the old texts since I know I wrote it practice my literate skills, but it is not like I ever become filled with inspiration when I get reminded of the choices done back then. Looking at my own contributions here on AFF the during the last year it is only the long epics that get revised. The shorter stories rarely have enough story for me to overcome the effort to really start to work at them.

Thanks for the offer to use your story concept for a story of my own. It is tempting, but most probably I have enough story ideas in queue to use for quite some time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Review for Pandemic Head, written for @kagome26isawsome covid-19 challenge!

Quote

@InvidiaRed

When making a deal with a devil always check for that fine print.

Now she's a sapient fleshlight.Brutal but beautifully poetic in a sense.

Thank you for your review! Sapient fleshlight would make a brilliant title for a story, or name for a band. I think the Dutch Wife Fairy created a literal one back in the old Sexylosers webcomic!

Yes, things did not go the way Cadence planned with that particular summoning, though anybody who read my story A Big Girl’s Bad End wouldn’t feel entirely sorry for her.

Thanks again!

Edited by JayDee

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Another review for Pandemic Head

Thank you for the review! I appreciate it and also following the note at the bottom I’m very grateful for you spotting the three typos I’d missed like some kind of crazy fool person. Oh, and thanks for being cool with me tying in the details of the VD building with The Woman in the Statue lay out!

Quote

@InBrightestDay

Well, checking in with Michael Van Dijk 13 years later (a lucky number), and it turns out he's about the same as he always was.

I figured that the events of Mike Rapes a Dyke probably happened a little before Whore of Heaven and that’s why there was no mention of them in WoH, but if Mikey’s birthday is at the right date him being 37 there and 50 here and 112 just past New Year later it still fits! But, well, me and math…

Quote

Admittedly this is coming from someone who hasn't read the entirety of Mike Rapes a Dyke, but he seems about the same sadistic bastard he was before.  I like that even though Eparlegna's rampage made it nearly impossible for many to deny the existence of the afterlife, Mike's had the opposite reaction of what many people would have.  What's more, it makes sense given what we know of him.  Sure, he could shape up and be forgiven...but that's not fun.

I think the only reason he would want to go to heaven would be to try to do something unpleasant to an angel. A sound thrashing with the butt of Temira’s spear would no doubt put an end to that before he even made it through the entrance. He’s an unpleasant guy and yet his business was claiming a social benefit doing pro bono defences for men without money for a good legal team. Got them some solid aquittals too. But, well…

He doesn’t want to be forgiven and he definitely doesn’t want his victims to forget. He likes the terror and the trauma. 

Quote

Also...

He had powerful friends; friends like Declan Flynn who had moved into the power vacuum that Los Angeles organised crime had left, and who Michael had successfully defended against half a dozen prosecutions. Declan’s daughter, Lily, was amongst those sadly deceased in the raging pandemic.

The death certificate said Coronavirus, but he’d managed to tie up a loose end there. She might have recognised him and that would not have done at all.

That's brutal, befriending Declan, or at least earning his trust, even as he has the man's traumatized daughter murdered.  About what you'd expect from the character.

After what happened to the guy who was caught red handed hurting Declan’s daughter after Mike had finished with her  –

Quote

Vinnie was arrested, but released on bail. Before it went to trial he was murdered by a group of ‘well dressed men’ who beat him with metal bars, and held him head first into his deep fat fryer.

Michael probably had a massive, massive oh shit moment when he realised who Declan’s daughter was. Declan explaining she didn’t speak after what Vinnie did to her would not have calmed his fears. I think unlike, say, Cadence he wouldn’t have had any direct pleasure out of getting Lily killed.

Still that fear probably kept Declan’s neice Caitlyn safe from being assaulted. That nice single mother of twins, with the helpful and doting brother, whose granddaughter might well have a fine military career. Well, if an ID critter didn’t get her.

Quote

That's gonna bite him in the ass some day, though...

He’s got it coming. Oh yes indeed. Unless you mean it literally, like have someone tug off the spider gag and hold Cadence’s head to his ass to bite it. Still, could be worse.

“Calista, what’s that?”

“This head in a box? Cadence. Found her in the VD tower. She’s the subject of my new research project.”

“IT JUST BLINKED! IT’S STILL BLINKING!”

“Morse Code. ‘My nose itches. Scratch it peasant.’ Now ‘Kill him! Bash his brains in! All men must die!”

“It, uh...”

“She mostly demands killing, yes.”

Quote

And finally, damn.  I mean, Cadence was involved in summoning the demon that tortured and killed millions, murdering six people to do so, so it's not like she didn't earn this, but that's still pretty messed up.  Nicely done!

Thank you! She’s part of that Eparlegna tradition, keeping heads alive. If it was good enough for his mortal mother…

I suspect Cadence didn’t even need to murder those six people. Michael was probably there explaining there was a simple, easier version of the summoning, nut, well, homicidally insane. With her dear Daddy passed on since ABGBE there wasn’t anybody to rein her in. So, in a way, Eparlegna probably saved a few more lives. 

Thank you again for reading and reviewing!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/20/2020 at 4:30 PM, JayDee said:

Oh, and thanks for being cool with me tying in the details of the VD building with The Woman in the Statue lay out!

You kidding me?  It’s always an honor to work in this shared universe (the Angelverse?) with you! :)

I also figured that the events of MRaD came just before WoH, given that the fics were posted so close together.  It was what inspired me to include Michael in WitS to begin with, actually.

Quote

Still that fear probably kept Declan’s neice Caitlyn safe from being assaulted. That nice single mother of twins, with the helpful and doting brother, whose granddaughter might well have a fine military career. Well, if an ID critter didn’t get her.

It didn’t.  As the National Guard (including the LTV Private Flynn was in) advanced into the area within Eparlegna’s barrier, they were swarmed by id constructs.  They dropped several waves with automatic fire, and were holding well, but that was when the Screamer attacked.

An avian horror forged of Wrath, the Screamer resembled a giant vulture, its black wings spreading twelve meters across, hooked thumb talons sprouting from feathered flesh, its beaked jaws bristling with tooth-like projections of sharp bone.  Its name came from the weapon it employed as it attacked, swooping low over the soldiers and releasing a piercing , deafening shriek, a focused beam of sound that shattered glass, rattled the metal frames of the vehicles and stunned humans in its path, leaving them easy prey for other monsters.

After its second pass, the Screamer landed in the middle of the National Guard formation, knocking stunned soldiers away with the hammer blows of its beating wings.  Moving on its feet and wings like a bat, it moved to the LTV and tore the driver’s side door off, dragging the screaming redhead out.  The Wrath construct made to seize her in its beak, to rend her flesh and scatter blood and viscera across the battlefield, its snakelike neck drawing back and striking, jaws spread wide...only for the Archangel Luzurial to step in front of it and catch its jaws, holding them open as it tried to bite.  Private Flynn scrambled back, and the beast tried to scream, but Luzurial slammed its head into the asphalt, blunting the sonic attack.  One of its wings reached for her, the thumb talon meant to slash at her, but she kicked it aside.  Still, she could not reach the machete she carried and slay the beast, forced as she was to hold its head with both hands.

Of course, she didn’t have to.

About ten meters away, Colin Gibbs had managed to rest his Gungnir on some wreckage while the rest of Chloe’s team fought off other id constructs.  Luzurial held the Screamer in place, and he fired a single shot, the hypersonic projectile piercing one of the monster’s eyes and erupting from the other side of its head in a gory explosion.

Or, you know, something like that.

I didn’t just make that up, by the way.  What you just saw was a deleted scene from The Woman in the Statue, which would have followed the bit where battle is joined.  I cut it because I realized that the important part of that scene was Luzurial’s big decision to trust humanity and not try to generate any incarnate virtues.  It would have been more detailed had I actually written it into the story, but I figured I’d explain it here anyway. :D

Moving on!
 

Quote

He’s got it coming. Oh yes indeed. Unless you mean it literally, like have someone tug off the spider gag and hold Cadence’s head to his ass to bite it. Still, could be worse.

“Calista, what’s that?”

“This head in a box? Cadence. Found her in the VD tower. She’s the subject of my new research project.”

“IT JUST BLINKED! IT’S STILL BLINKING!”

“Morse Code. ‘My nose itches. Scratch it peasant.’ Now ‘Kill him! Bash his brains in! All men must die!”

“It, uh...”

“She mostly demands killing, yes.”

Okay, so…

  1. You just almost made me spit my drink all over my computer while laughing.
  2. I may have to include this in New Year’s Visitation now.
Quote

Thank you again for reading and reviewing!

No problem. :)  I always like seeing your work.

Edited by InBrightestDay

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

It didn’t.  As the National Guard (including the LTV Private Flynn was in) advanced into the area within Eparlegna’s barrier, they were swarmed by id constructs.  They dropped several waves with automatic fire, and were holding well, but that was when the Screamer attacked.

An avian horror forged of Wrath, the Screamer resembled a giant vulture, its black wings spreading twelve meters across, hooked thumb talons sprouting from feathered flesh, its beaked jaws bristling with tooth-like projections of sharp bone.  Its name came from the weapon it employed as it attacked, swooping low over the soldiers and releasing a piercing , deafening shriek, a focused beam of sound that shattered glass, rattled the metal frames of the vehicles and stunned humans in its path, leaving them easy prey for other monsters.

After its second pass, the Screamer landed in the middle of the National Guard formation, knocking stunned soldiers away with the hammer blows of its beating wings.  Moving on its feet and wings like a bat, it moved to the LTV and tore the driver’s side door off, dragging the screaming redhead out.  The Wrath construct made to seize her in its beak, to rend her flesh and scatter blood and viscera across the battlefield, its snakelike neck drawing back and striking, jaws spread wide...only for the Archangel Luzurial to step in front of it and catch its jaws, holding them open as it tried to bite.  Private Flynn scrambled back, and the beast tried to scream, but Luzurial slammed its head into the asphalt, blunting the sonic attack.  One of its wings reached for her, the thumb talon meant to slash at her, but she kicked it aside.  Still, she could not reach the machete she carried and slay the beast, forced as she was to hold its head with both hands.

Of course, she didn’t have to.

About ten meters away, Colin Gibbs had managed to rest his Gungnir on some wreckage while the rest of Chloe’s team fought off other id constructs.  Luzurial held the Screamer in place, and he fired a single shot, the hypersonic projectile piercing one of the monster’s eyes and erupting from the other side of its head in a gory explosion.

Or, you know, something like that.

I didn’t just make that up, by the way.  What you just saw was a deleted scene from The Woman in the Statue, which would have followed the bit where battle is joined.  I cut it because I realized that the important part of that scene was Luzurial’s big decision to trust humanity and not try to generate any incarnate virtues.  It would have been more detailed had I actually written it into the story, but I figured I’d explain it here anyway. :DMoving on!

Oh, yes! I remember you saying about cutting it down some. Well, it’s great to see Flynn came through ok. That was a fun little chunk of text, but you do write combat super well. Badass moments for both Luzurial and Gibbs there!

Quote

Okay, so…

  1. You just almost made me spit my drink all over my computer while laughing.
  2. I may have to include this in New Year’s Visitation now.

Thanks! I was trying to be funny, and if you want to fit it in go ahead! Uh. I typed that before realising the pun, honest.

Quote

No problem. :)  I always like seeing your work.

I like seeing yours too!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Pandemic Head remains the last thing I finished. Considering one of my earliest stories after I changed my penname to JD was Getting Head… it might almost end up as bookend. Almost. I mean, not really but close enough.

Quote

@Thundercloud

What would Michael Van Dijk do in the middle of a pandemic...I half expected him to be involved in the developing the actual virus...but the solution used in this story is very fitting.

First off, thanks for the review! You really didn’t have to – at this stage you’ve pretty much read and reviewed everything that isn’t horrific garbage, and at least some of the stuff that is. Was nice to see you’d had the time to look over InBrightestDay’s story tho!

Mike’s a lawyer! He specialised in criminal law although once he had his own firm he’s got attorneys in several fields working for him so probably some could be in the biochemical patent side for the scientists! Thanks tho’ fitting is fine by me.

Quote

It is very short flash fic but still manages to give some funny and disturbing images of the utter evilness of character as he satisfies himself.

Thanks! Funny and disturbing is what I sometimes go for. Then people say “You thinking that is funny is really disturbing.”

Quote

The only negative thing would be that this story is probably not very interesting unless you know the character from other work by JayDee and InBrightestDay. From another perspective there are no excuses to not check their stuff, it is some excelent entertainment with a mixture of erotic and nosex stories.

The only thing I’d disagree with is the niche fetish crowd wouldn’t give a shit about characters or past stories and still enjoy the fucked head. There’s some folks out there with a big thing for still-living-but-unattached-heads getting fucked – I blame stupid sexy dullahans – and it would probably shoot up their quality table for them. Like the dragon-snuff-rape fans who think the Spyro request story I did was great while I can’t remotely see the erotic appeal. But thanks again!

Quote

One thing that made me pause is the name Cadence that I don't recall from previous readings. Is this a new piece of lore added to the setting or is it something that I have missed?

So. Up until about 2006 or 2007 I was happy to write real person stories. Amongst other things I realised how fucking easy it was for sickos (I mean, more so) to link the real people or their friends/family to them with social media starting to take off more than forums and the rest and took all mine offline. Plus there were some court cases. I’ve since re-written most of my RPFs to be about OCs or fandoms, and one such story was re-written to be about OCs, and I decided to rename the fictional psychotic girl character as Mike’s cousin, Cadence Van Dijk and her father as his uncle. Much richer branch of the family. There’s none of the fantasy elements in it, it’s just a nasty piece of work with maybe one funny line. Anyway, I’ve got another real person story I still need to re-write and it featured a lawyer character I realised I could turn into Mike and the lawyer’s boss I could turn into Cadence, and have the theme changed from the original idea to be about a mass sacrifice to Eparlegna by Cadence seeking power, and end up as Cadence as an animated angry head who may possibly end up in the possession of one of InBrightestDay’s characters. There may even be a happy ending at some point. Who knows? :)

Anyway, thank you again for the review! At least the story was short so there wasn’t too much cack to wade through for ya. In fact this reply may be longer than the flashfic! heh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Pandemic Head remains the last thing I finished. Considering one of my earliest stories after I changed my penname to JD was Getting Head… it might almost end up as bookend. Almost. I mean, not really but close enough.

I would argue that Pandemic Head is a much more clever title than Getting Head...the latter one sounds like a cheap porno….

Btw, doesn’t it sound very likely Mike is using the head as bookend when he occupied with other stuff than to satisfy his carnal lusts.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

First off, thanks for the review! You really didn’t have to – at this stage you’ve pretty much read and reviewed everything that isn’t horrific garbage, and at least some of the stuff that is.

Don’t worry about it. You are free to dig through my backlog without it forcing me into reading any horrific garbage. The give review in return for reviews is more what you call a guideline than an actual rule.

More seriously if I fail to find something new that sounds interesting I can always reread one of your better stories and give new input. There are a couple of your stories I have not read so far. In most cases it skipped the remaining ones since I was not in the mood for reading snuff porn. I am kind of assuming that your stories with MCD put a rather large emphasis on that part in most cases and it is not of a particular interest to me. The only story code that is sure to make me move away from the story isMinor1 that is sure to make me skip the stories. Besides that I don’t mind much even I very seldom click on stories that pure MM, they are very low priority.

Speaking of your older stories I still think Mike rapes a Dyke could be revised to be so much better. If you are interested I would not mind giving a hand when the stars are right.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Was nice to see you’d had the time to look over InBrightestDay’s story tho!

I had planned to reading it anyway.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Mike’s a lawyer! He specialised in criminal law although once he had his own firm he’s got attorneys in several fields working for him so probably some could be in the biochemical patent side for the scientists! Thanks tho’ fitting is fine by me.

Makes me think about Angel tv-series when he demands Wolfram & Hearth show him their main office where they do their darkest stuff….the response is that they take him to street outside since there is where their most evil things are done.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

The only thing I’d disagree with is the niche fetish crowd wouldn’t give a shit about characters or past stories and still enjoy the fucked head. There’s some folks out there with a big thing for still-living-but-unattached-heads getting fucked – I blame stupid sexy dullahans – and it would probably shoot up their quality table for them.

I  suspect the fetish fans would find it that scene too short in something that is already a flash fic.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Like the dragon-snuff-rape fans who think the Spyro request story I did was great while I can’t remotely see the erotic appeal.

I believe you...dragon-snuff-rape sounds off the map when I think about erotic.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

So. Up until about 2006 or 2007 I was happy to write real person stories. Amongst other things I realised how fucking easy it was for sickos (I mean, more so) to link the real people or their friends/family to them with social media starting to take off more than forums and the rest and took all mine offline. Plus there were some court cases. I’ve since re-written most of my RPFs to be about OCs or fandoms, and one such story was re-written to be about OCs, and I decided to rename the fictional psychotic girl character as Mike’s cousin, Cadence Van Dijk and her father as his uncle. Much richer branch of the family. There’s none of the fantasy elements in it, it’s just a nasty piece of work with maybe one funny line. Anyway, I’ve got another real person story I still need to re-write and it featured a lawyer character I realised I could turn into Mike and the lawyer’s boss I could turn into Cadence, and have the theme changed from the original idea to be about a mass sacrifice to Eparlegna by Cadence seeking power, and end up as Cadence as an animated angry head who may possibly end up in the possession of one of InBrightestDay’s characters. There may even be a happy ending at some point. Who knows? :)

Interesting to learn...but I was more on the level of wondering what stories she feature in. I don’t recall her from the Whore of Heaven story.

Have you ever run into the situation that you learn to know somebody with the same name as one of your characters? It happened to me and quickly renamed the character just in case she ever manage to read it and realized I am involved.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Anyway, thank you again for the review! At least the story was short so there wasn’t too much cack to wade through for ya. In fact this reply may be longer than the flashfic! heh.

If we keep this discussion going it most certainly will.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Btw, doesn’t it sound very likely Mike is using the head as bookend when he occupied with other stuff than to satisfy his carnal lusts.

*Goes to put head back in box. Sees law books leaning on shelf. Shrugs*

Quote

More seriously if I fail to find something new that sounds interesting I can always reread one of your better stories and give new input. There are a couple of your stories I have not read so far. In most cases it skipped the remaining ones since I was not in the mood for reading snuff porn. I am kind of assuming that your stories with MCD put a rather large emphasis on that part in most cases and it is not of a particular interest to me. The only story code that is sure to make me move away from the story isMinor1 that is sure to make me skip the stories. Besides that I don’t mind much even I very seldom click on stories that pure MM, they are very low priority.
 

Won’t be any minor1 tags for me! And yes, fair assumption on the MCD but there are some exceptions where the death is super quick/not a focus but I felt needed tagging anyway eg The Morpheus Potion where I think there’s only the starting swing of an axe and the death isn’t detailed, or even that Shokan Lust story where there’s one character stomped to death briefly and another dude got skinned/killed in a few lines, but it is by no means a snuff fic. Possibly less violence than the average round of Mortal Kombat really.

Quote


Speaking of your older stories I still think Mike rapes a Dyke could be revised to be so much better. If you are interested I would not mind giving a hand when the stars are right.

I’m just not into writing much at all at the moment. Everytime In the past I’ve said I’m through with writing I went back and did something else, so no curious if not saying it will free me!

Literally anything of mine could be revised to be so much better!

Quote

I  suspect the fetish fans would find it that scene too short in something that is already a flash fic.

 

Years ago me and the pervs on Deathstalker’s old forum used to have a “paragraphs of snuff” thread, telling some of that kind of fetish material in just a few sub-flashfic sentences. Some of it definitely hit the spot! I still remember some of their paragraphs now, while they almost certainly have totally forgotten my shit efforts. As bad as they are, the only reason I haven’t stuck a compendium of mine up on AFF is I’d need like one for misc games one for misc books etc and it felt like too much effort doing all the disclaimers.

Never underestimate the ability of fetish folk to find just a few words revving their engine.

Quote

Have you ever run into the situation that you learn to know somebody with the same name as one of your characters? It happened to me and quickly renamed the character just in case she ever manage to read it and realized I am involved.
 

There was that one time I was at the bus stop and a nerdy woman sat down next to me and said “I’m Kizzy. I prefer your funny stuff.”  But apart from that, no. And when creating original characters these days I’ll sometimes have a bit of a google search to see if he name is either super common or not appearing for anybody alive!

Quote

If we keep this discussion going it most certainly will.

Darn it all! Can’t write fiction but I can jaw for hours on forums on my day off. It’s like 1999 all over again! :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/9/2020 at 7:48 AM, JayDee said:

Won’t be any minor1 tags for me! And yes, fair assumption on the MCD but there are some exceptions where the death is super quick/not a focus but I felt needed tagging anyway eg The Morpheus Potion where I think there’s only the starting swing of an axe and the death isn’t detailed, or even that Shokan Lust story where there’s one character stomped to death briefly and another dude got skinned/killed in a few lines, but it is by no means a snuff fic. Possibly less violence than the average round of Mortal Kombat really.

Thanks for the information.

I agree there is a great difference between heroic sacrifice, characters that killed, characters that brutally murdered and actual snuff but we are stuck with story warning codes that is kind of catch all.

On 7/9/2020 at 7:48 AM, JayDee said:

I’m just not into writing much at all at the moment. Everytime In the past I’ve said I’m through with writing I went back and did something else, so no curious if not saying it will free me!

No problem, it is not like I have time to spare really so take your time until you get your mojo back running.

On 7/9/2020 at 7:48 AM, JayDee said:

Literally anything of mine could be revised to be so much better!

Sames goes for just about everything I have written. I cannot reread it without finding stuff to revise.

On 7/9/2020 at 7:48 AM, JayDee said:

Years ago me and the pervs on Deathstalker’s old forum used to have a “paragraphs of snuff” thread, telling some of that kind of fetish material in just a few sub-flashfic sentences. Some of it definitely hit the spot! I still remember some of their paragraphs now, while they almost certainly have totally forgotten my shit efforts. As bad as they are, the only reason I haven’t stuck a compendium of mine up on AFF is I’d need like one for misc games one for misc books etc and it felt like too much effort doing all the disclaimers.

Never underestimate the ability of fetish folk to find just a few words revving their engine.

New perspectives...my ignorance about the matter probably proves my assertion that I am not really into snuff.

On 7/9/2020 at 7:48 AM, JayDee said:

There was that one time I was at the bus stop and a nerdy woman sat down next to me and said “I’m Kizzy. I prefer your funny stuff.”  But apart from that, no. And when creating original characters these days I’ll sometimes have a bit of a google search to see if he name is either super common or not appearing for anybody alive!

Sounds like Shannon was having a bit fun with a fellow erotica writer that she uses to spread the stories that Kizzy want suppressed...

On 7/9/2020 at 7:48 AM, JayDee said:

Darn it all! Can’t write fiction but I can jaw for hours on forums on my day off. It’s like 1999 all over again! :D

Well...making people laugh is important no matter if it stories or forum posts so if you keep the joke ratio up everything will be fine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.