Thundercloud

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Thundercloud last won the day on November 29

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  1. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    I look forward to hearing you input, so please you time and chose an occasion when you are feeling up for fantasy. The vampires in Blade use sunscrean...not sure that what I am trying to prove by that observation. Trying to avoid to make a Twilight reference maybe. I was actually thinking more about tricks like when she summons mist...but the hot shots scene is also a funny solution. I am sure that is why Azbezil went for the Hydra solution instead of putting chickens there.
  2. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Sorry to hear that, hopefully you will back on track soon. Fun thought...but no the dwarves are very rare. The common knowledge is that dwarves are extinct except very small clusters of survivors that is dwindling in numbers due to low numbers. Eventually the main group of dwarves are set to return...but that is another story than the current one. It is mostly Cymari being very cocky about her bow ability. Outperforming elven rangers can do such things to people...the Hydra was placed by Azbezil to prevent people finding out about the prophecy. Yep, there is some serious ground to cover before all parts of the prophecy had been completed. In this revised version I actually added a few details to the prophecy hat was not included in the original version of the story. Hindsight make it much more easy to fitthe prophecy with the upcoming chapters. The best kind of jump scare when you don’t expect it coming. You can imagine my grin when you made the comment on the forum... I thought it nice to have this scene so that the readers get a reference when they see Madel using his sword later in the chapter. I was looking forward to hear your thoughts about it, it is clearly a JayDee compatible scene. The king’s seer will not make a appearance until the next chapter. As for the question I can see where you are coming from with your guess about her as vampire, but she is in fact a minor demon. You know vampires being nocturnal and so on. His spells protect him, but not his gear since his magic is mentalism based. I am actually quite fond of the Helian...not her fault that ended up like the she did with far too much of the-end-justify-the-means for her own good. My favorite part is when they scream for shields instead of doing another suicide charge and she just observe they have put the whole camp within range of her longbow and she continues to slaughter them. Eventually she would have had to become creative when she ran out of arrows, but is what you have siblings for.
  3. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    It is a very good joke...I have actually seen it reused on a LARP when a character died and report read suicide by six crossbow bolts. I think it might be all the looking-for-foreshadowing that is the reason...
  4. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Not that it matters much...in case I sound confused about the chapter numbers….after I expanded the prologue to be a full chapter-length it gets kind of confusing. The Secrets of the City would logically be chapter 3 of the main story. With AFF numbering the parts I ended with “4. Chapter 3 The Secrets of the City” and that sounded kind of iffy so I changed it to “4. The Hidden Danger – The Secrets of the City” since it belong to that story arc (that would be a stand alone book if I ever got around to self publish the story). I am totally fine with you calling it chapter 4 since it is obviously chapter 4 on AFF in practice but mentally it is still chapter 3 for me so I might confuse myself a bit when I talk about the chapters. Thank you for the encouragement. I like how you call it preparations…it is kind of telling that after 4 parts Cymari Entaro had still not been given any real scenes…she is up in the next chapter. There are also some important characters introduced in part 6 but after that all major characters will have been added. The benefit of being the favorite son, you don’t need to play fair while debating. I also thought that it might be good to show the reader that his illusions cover all five senses since this kind of potent Illusion magic is not quite standard in most fantasy settings. You will have to wait and see...that particular conflict plays out mostly in the story arc named “The War of Sorrow” so it will be quite some time until you get to read it. Little bastard...try to tell that to a dwarf and survive. As for Ezame starting to like the experience her previous sex partners are kind of lowest of the lowest and making sure the Glarin stays around is her only shield from further abuse from her uncle and a certain demon so she has plenty of motivation to look for good things in the current setup. Probably not the brightest thing...but Talinda’s hands is also kind of tied by her needing to get into the circle of thieves. Killing high ranking members of the thief’s guild when you are newbee in the guild that stole and spent his money is obviously not the way to get in good graces of the leader of the guild. Talinda returning the money would probably been the more wise choice. I doubt that Enbon or Fenlyw would have allowed the kick to connect so we will never know….or perhaps not in a very long time. The intention here is Tarben Agril offfically means that it play into the meaning “grass”...but I also meant it to show to reader a bit about who Tarben Agril is when he has given the boy a short name that is not very nice. Probably more than she could handle. I wanted the scene to show that Myan is quite perspective about her big sister. Actually that is a bit of foreshawowing here...not Duwlon’s smartest moment if you ask me. I had loads of fun coming up with that scene. Getting both to show how quick Talinda is think when in trouble but also that she makes plenty of beginners mistakes. Yep it is demons...in a previous versions of the story the name of the general was given so the reader could match it to the prologue...but when I revised it I realized that Talinda herself should have learnt the names from Pyrmaria and that made it kind of hard to explain how she could dare going there if she knew it was demons so I cut the names. The story about the paladins might be worth to remember until a certain scene in part 6 of the story...
  5. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Actually that does sound like a kind of funny story idea. A demon that hunts good people to make sure they are not around to do good deeds. If he kill them they will reborn so better to keep them alive and semi happy away from people they could save… *smiles* Checking the number of times somebody decide to lock away good magic behind death traps might be a good start...but the Simpson style decision is also have merits if you want lots of sex.
  6. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Sorry for this. I have considered making the scene even less sexualised so I can certainly see where you are coming from. If I could figure out a way to remove the event without losing the punch of how much that has changed by the end at the chapters by the lake I would not mind losing the scene...but the plot depend on some kind of sex magic happening here. Following your feedback I think I will add an extra disclaimer at the start of the chapter that describe the situation and suggest how much text reader should jump ahead if they want to avoid the scene. There are no such scenes in rest of the chapters...except maybe if we are talking about things that happens off screen. In chapter 10 a under-16 year old will be kidnapped by a demon and never be seen again. The scene exist due to plot reasons but you don’t need much imagination to realize that the kids fate was horrible even it the bad stuff never is described. Good to hear that you managed to enjoy the rest of the chapter. Assuming the bad guys don’t have even more powerful gear in store... Obviously he is a very trusted subject of the Lord to have been given the duty to hide Trioni. I can think of smarter things to do than getting a bastard when you are hiding from the prince of the realm…. The path he took was really about not getting seduced and be unfaithful to his prospect girlfriend. The maze presents him with fights is so he get somebody to save as pretext for the seduction attempt. He should have done better background checking before he tried to raid the maze. Quite important plot wise also...having six loyal children has not the same ring as seven children. If you ask me privately I have no real interest in shaved pussy since I find the natural look much more sexy...but the idea to use the magic effect to show off Helian’s magic was just too good to not use. Kodol is not the only one that should have done more background checking. No problem at all. A honest review is way better than anything too polished.
  7. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Take the time you need. With awesome feedback like yours it is a sure delight to read.
  8. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Actually it is just 1 prologue and 15 full length chapters. The final part is an epilogue that wrap up the meta story at the Inn and explain some story aspects to the regulars at the Inn, but it is rather short. Well...it was written for it to be kind of subtle while it happened to keep the tension up. The good thing with the story structure is that I get plenty of chances of review the readers of what has happened before (and to drop some very subtle clues in dialogue at the Inn). It is indeed quite some characters with plenty left to enter the fray. When I does the forum updates of me having finished yet another chapter I actually include a list of characters that will feature in the chapter. Not sure if any forum users cares enough to pay attention, but just maybe there might be somebody that likes to know if their favorite hero and bad guy might be up for a rematch in the new chapter. *Laughing*...if I ever get around to doing a parody of the story I will keep that imagine in mind. Part of the reason for me smiling is that your line made me start thinking about Terry Brooks that in every book/part-of-series introduce the kids of the previous generation and to a large degree they are pretty much the same characters over and over again. *smiles* Trickster indeed. Also a great way to show the reader the powers of his magic. Very much so, each of the Entaro siblings getting one of skills-set needed to combat the danger of Azbezil. A certain trickster might have bragged some about it before... It is intended that somebody with Duwlon’s aptitude is quite good at reading the situation and finding way to get people to talk. Him also being one of the best actors of the siblings also helps of course. They are very much Azbezil’s children, important prophecy stuff to fulfill and stuff like that...but there are a couple of chapters left until the heroes finds the prophecy itself. As for the nature of the story I think I have given the game away to so when I said that InBrightestWay might enjoy the story. The bad guys will have plenty of success overthe course of the story and the heroes will be subject to quite a bit of brutal experiences but at the end of the day it is a story about how heroes combat evil and grow from the experience. The fact that the story teller can tell the story on the Inn is also kind of giveaway that the worst possible outcomes for the story will not come true. That is clever interpretation...but no...the intention was more here that Tarben Agril is used to be on first name basis with his customers but have realized that if shall be able to pass his business to his children he need to use the Agril name for the business. *smiles* Trust that Zelak is very pissed about the development of the fight and wishing for a rematch. If you liked this fight I think you really will enjoy some of the later combats (mostly in parts I have sadly not manage to revise yet) Maybe fate did intervene here and made things happening... Elves fooling a dwarf is very hard in this setting. Without going too much into the mythology here each of the elemental races have an knack of spotting the magic of the other elemental races. Him being quiet here also helps them pinpoint him but it is mostly about their dwarven nature and him having elven blood. Revenge is dish best served cold...especially considering the timespan needed for me being able to revise chapter 6-15.
  9. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    A delightful surprise to have two reviews of this story waiting for me, here is some review responses. That particular farmer was just used to allow me some foreshadowing at the end of the chapter, but there are more interruptions coming...some of them are meant to be funny. I like the observation about the father and his Inn grounding the story as a fantasy setting. Someday I should really figure out what adventure that gave him his name... Yep, he very much received what he deserved. The attack is of course unexpected, but it is mostly the attackers packing a very serious punch. I put the demons in this combat since I did not want the bad guy to show off his full potential in the prologue ofthe story, but the demons also wrap well into the future story. It is not until the actual heroes of the story enter the action in later chapters that kingdom get defenders that really take a stand in front of the badguys. To play fair I should probably also mention that when I revised the story I tightened up the prince’s dialogue quite a bit here based on feedback I have gotten over the years. In the original text it was not as cleverly done and was much easier to spot the plot twist in advance. Quite brutal, Ezame’s story arc does not start with any kind of feel-good vibes. As you have already read further chapters so you know that she will be around to impact the future plot even if there will be quite some time before she dare to do anything that makes impact on the more large scale plot. Good that you enjoyed it. This whole chapter started quite bare-bones with brushing over the same events without much detail...a reader prompted me that the lack of detail in the beginning was breaking stylewise from the rest of the story. This made me realize I needed to make it into a proper chapter. I can always reread some of your better stuff if I don’t find something old that catch my interest. As for the idea of doing review exchanges is not a rule or anything...more like a guideline.
  10. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Yep, it is quite an fight here. I suppose you know understand why I have been looking forward for us to compare notes about the final battles of your The Woman in Statue story and the G.S.P. There are obvious parallels since final boss fight need to play out with some basic structure to work. One of your reviews talked about anime style ending and I think that is quite on the spot. The final battle I am aiming for the in G.S.P. is not as much anime but more aimed at the superhero comics style of action….or maybe an RPG style of battle. One thing I have been thinking about when I return to read the story it is that my chapter 12 really has the final battle villain happening off screen so to say with focus on horror/erotic/character scenes. In chapter 13 I did reverse this and have a large part of the chapter devoted to actual battle while things happening to Fang and Avalanche that are ideas worthy to be chapters on they own are not given any screen time at all. As far as I can recall this not really any deliberate choice but just sort of happened as I was writing. You are really building the case for why I should return to this setting with more stories forthe superheroes. Having a new generation of heroes doing superhero stuff while the G.S.P. heroes make appearances that shows what has happened in the twenty years since the original story is an idea that has clear merit. Good to hear that you chuckled...the reactions to New Yorks trouble this spring are making my joke about it not being a swing state a bit too close to the reality for it to feel comfortable to me. ...I mean, this is kind of anticlimactic, sure, but getting taken out by a supervillain would mean you all get murdered. This is more boring but, well, you live. So, you know, silver lining. It is not something I really touched in the story, but the intention when I created the setting was that permanent death for superheroes is not common. Not as extreme as the Marvel comics eternal circle of resurrecting heroes and villains and retrofitting everything to an entirely new plot, but the intention was that most superheroes eventually retire after losing one fight too many and feeling they have lost their edge. As for the villains they of course always survive to come back for yet another evil scheme. When looking back at the story I realize that this aspect did not survive from storyboard to the real story. Over the story there are quite many villains and some heroes that bite to dust without the heroes really reacting on their death. Quite many of the kills can of course be attributed too Blade/Jennifer being quite savage and bloodthirsty, but the lack of reaction from the others suggest they are a bit jaded from seeing bad stuff happen between heroes and villains (and the unfortunate bystanders that dragged into it). A setting that developed in its own direction after my plan was done… The reason for this long explanation was to show that the intention was for Firefly to except many in the team injured after a big defeat but she did not expect a total party kill as an expected outcome. Of course I from narrative viewpoint meant her comment as a setup for possibility that the heroes might run into something they cannot defeat. I wrote that part after learning that a female friend had decided to name her son Damien. Considering that it is not a Swedish name at all my only reference was the Omen movie and I was like why-oh-why? I spent quite a bit time thinking about the risk of quite many of the heroes, including Blade, being a bit too Mary Sueish with powers that are just too potent for the ending to be thrilling. The solution was obvious when I realized that Blade’s power supercharged to the level of their enemy would mean that any hero would be in for a real challenge no matter their powers. I laughed so hard there. I could freaking hear the mix of sarcasm and fear in that last part. I think the further fight succeeded with showing that the demon’s warning was quite right. Against the Obliterator the team entered combat with something that is really dangerous but they have a plan for how to deal with the enemy and a very powerful ally. In the final battle the heroes have a shit plan and the reader has in the previous fight against the Obliterator learned how dangerous these kind of enemies can be. Actually it is more like that the one that put her there deliberately caused the two personas to avoid the demon falling back into bad habits just because she has expectations about how she is supposed to behave. Forcing her to talk to herself allow more possibility to introspection and making the right choices. I could certainly have done a better way to explain this to the reader. I have always wondered how the obvious sex orgy that follows the ending play out...but I decided that trying to end with such scene would lessen the impact of the victory compared to the open ending. I might actually have something small in development...no promises it will be done in any reasonable time span of course but all your constructive thoughts about the stories have me started to consider doing shorter novels while I consider if I should do something longer.
  11. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Sorry for you having to wait for the response, I have been kind of busy with private stuff and had totally missed that you put a review for this story. I take it as a compliment that you had read more than once before leaving your comments. Actually this detail of the story was provided in the main story by Mmmmm, but I agree that it is a good setup. One of the reasons why I accepted the request to make a contribution to this story was the setup. Great that the character interplay worked as I intended it. IMHO the behavior of Kerry is very creepy, good that came across as hot also. If you want more of her you should check the original story. Mmmmm uses her charming personality quite well. *smiles* When I wrote it I had a plan for a follow up about the wedding ring when the main story was done. Sadly the author never finished and I missed to ask the author for permission to use the characters more before I lost contact with the author. Thank you for the encouraging review.
  12. Thundercloud

    InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread

    I think a pretty big factor is if it is the final battle of the story or some earlier encounter. No matter what kind of energy-balance system you put in place you typically end in the situation that the participants of the final battle have enough power available to make it more interesting than they-traded-six-blows-before-fight-ended-because-characters-energy-was-up. There is a reason people watch play-throughs of games but is not interested read a transcript of the button mashing during the fight. I think the big takeaway you should take from my review is that the later part of the story when the others arrive and they are not just slugging attacks at each other. In fact I would be ready to argue that the peril when she starts to put herself at risk would not have worked from narrative perspective if we had not been shown their previous fight. I totally agree that you did very fine. Not familiar with that story or the author. So much to read and review... A very classic villain if you ask me, but you have also done marvels at explaining so much of what happened in Whore of Heaven. JayDees story has a heavy focus on style and less about explaining the plot but you are really great at finding the motivations for why Eparlegna does so much weird shit. It is really obvious you have spent quite a lot of time working on the concepts of this scene. The effort clearly pays off. I look forward to it.
  13. Thundercloud

    Creating drama

    carnivorous humanoid frogs
  14. Thundercloud

    Creating drama

    Making a five year old forget traumatic stuff sounds very reasonable...if you want real drama you might consider if it is more effective to have the father have done a genuine mistake
  15. Thundercloud

    Creating drama

    The death was caused by somebody that the boy admire.