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Thundercloud last won the day on February 21

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  1. Thundercloud

    With the Mirror Came...

    Chapter 8 has now been posted. If you review it the likelihood I review some of your story increases a lot...
  2. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    The difference between now and then is spelled “vacation”. Not a bad idea for a story...but I was thinking along the lines of Fitzgerald’s “Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy.” It makes sense that there eventually need to be a hero to try to make things right when the demon appears and there are plenty of reasons why this particular character might care a lot about what happened and have a story to tell. No worry really. Honestly I have read stories where such scene would have fitted well, but I am guessing there might be some readers around that are a bit wary about checking stuff that makes JayDee talk about such things...I think there is plenty of darkness in the story. With a lead character that is evil or suffering from severe amorality depending on your point of view bad stuff happens but there are also a number of places when I decided against using more severe abuse to not obscure the story. The scene with the rape of the witch for instance could been used a lots of more violence, but I decided that having her put up less resistance made it work better. The funny thing is that I started writing this with the aim to make something shorter than the epics that I normally get involved with. Problem was just that the story concept gave me such good ideas that the scenes kept adding themselves and scope keep growing. Thanks again for the reviews. They mean a lot to me. Like I mentioned before in an earlier review this is a story that has always got good ratings but very little actual feedback
  3. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Yay for the nice reivew. Thanks you for the very quick response on me posting the final chapter...almost as if you was sitting and waiting for me to post. This reply by the way turns up a couple of days later after a work week that was kind ofthe worst possible kind. I totally agree about the demon laughing at the outcome. It would be interesting to learn what kind of story ending you expected...maybe you could send it over PM to spoil things for other readers? He got five years with Carmen so he got more than one nice thing from it...before things turned out rather horribly. Could also be worth to mention that I deliberately left it unclear of what happened eventually with Philip. There might be a story worth telling there... Thank for the fair description of the fight. I think this really is one of my most badass fight scenes ever. Considering the killcount of lead character in my G.S.P story that says a lot. BTW...I am not sure if you are joking about the possibility of fuck scene afterwards. Quite sure that is not something that I would want to read. I am glad that you like it. Lol...little story…quite fair assessment compared to the length of some of my other stories. From another perspective is this story like around 60k words or something like that. Maybe I should self publish some day since it is a fair length for a novel...except there is always room for improvement without a beta reader.
  4. Thundercloud

    Carmen Elisa Needs to Die

    Chapter 5/5 is now posted. This means the complete story is available. If you review it the likelihood I review some of your story increases a lot...
  5. Thundercloud

    Title Help

    Fair enough, it is your story. My suggestion come from that I would argue that in reality there deeper levels to whythe wicked might need forgiveness than just that we are taught to forgive them. It is also a pretty good chapter title IMHO. Anyway forgiving a person for what he did is IMHO very different from getting an excuse because you caused bad things to happen. When your lead person would do it again...sounds kind similar to an excuse to me. I am not surprised that we are having this kind discussion since we probably come from very different social circles. I remmember a discussion back in school when we had read Crime and Punishment and the active Christians had read forgiveness as major theme in the book while many of the other totally had missed this angle when reading the book. This background made us view the text in very different ways.
  6. Thundercloud

    Title Help

    Forgiveness is for the wicked
  7. Thundercloud

    InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread

    I think the reason the The Woman in the Statue is so good is very much since @InBrightestDay is always looking for deeper reasons for everything that happens in a story. From another point view it seems to me like your writing builds a lot on events will make a story even if you have not bothered to deeply analyze the reasons why the cool event would happen in the first place. Thing to remember are that there loads of authors out there who don’t manage to do neither cool scenes or deeper plot despite them trying.
  8. Thundercloud

    InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread

    Lucky you that actually get review notifications. Myself I have seen forum notifications to my gmail account but never any review notification at all. It was a very good conversation in the stairwell...but still not quite the same as soul searching talk with the main characters in the previous chapters. No worries there…I was kind of assuming they were driving a military vehicle and not just some random SUV, A future version of a gatling gun when they wanted to step out of the vehicle would also have been quite effective. Maybe those kind of weapons are banned in the future. If you google gatling gun one of first hits if it legal own such weapon...insane if you ask me. I am too lazy to do the numbers...but if we assume the height of the LTV is limited compared to how close they parked the LTV to hostiles shooting at them the base of the triangle should be huge since they hit the upper body on a shot that was mostly horizontal. Of course nothing wrong with them using the LTV to park very close...but then Gibbs shot become less impressive if it was just a point blank shot. The shot hitting the lower part of the wall behind the shooter would be cool and keep Gibbs shot as more fantastical. I saw your talk with JD about it and my comment is that by now it is starting to become habit that you explain what JD should have meant with his scenes. The more sinister author would have had Luzurial sacrificing the captured since she has learned she sometimes must make hard choices….but that is not kind of story you are telling. Reminds me of a LARP scenario when a friend was “this plot will make the players have to make a choice between killing an innocent elf and making progress in the fighting the big bad”...the veteran players was like “oh...we have already done this mistakes and it cost us a quarter ofthe world’s elven population…off with her head”. Took the friend that had written the plot very by surprise. Glad I could help. I loved that movie when I was kid.
  9. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Thank you. I am literally dying to learn what you think about the actual ending when it is revealed what is really going on with Jennifer. I really doubt that Hyper did stay in NY after her traumatic experience so it would makes sense that Hyper never would get the warning about what is going on with her body. Thank you. Very interesting observation. Myself I have also been thinking that there really should be 13 chapters for a story with such a theme. Thinking about it like an issue of a comic reinforce that thought. I say the same about your story...not quite ready to review chapter 9 of your story yet but with one more read you will get my review.
  10. Thundercloud

    Thundercloud's Review Responses

    Yep...this chapter is very much setting up the endgame. The heroes are proved to be the superior super hero team, but things are going to get bumpy since there are consequences to how they won the day in chapter 12. I totally understand where you are coming from. I will comment more in the spoilers part of the review response. Good that the scene worked like intended. I wanted Fang to show off here here so that the reader gets an impression of how potent her new powers are before they are really needed. I made it ambiguous in the previous chapter to leave the reader with some uncertainty if the Thundercloud dumping Mernosh for Jennifer was fair of if he was doing something kind of shady. I also had plans for it to allow me to show Jennifer ‘s rather weird reaction to Thundercloud’s actions, but honestly I don’t think I quite succeeded there. Jennifer’s reactions are hard to write in a good way. Only in a superhero story can you just casually explain that's how your day went! I agree, but I would argue Fang’s personality play a role here too. A quite deliberate pun that is setting things up for surprising the reader when the horror of the chapter comes... Educating the readers about what happened at the Bikini Atoll is also a worthy goal. Did you know they used 23 bombs there after moving the people away...insanely enough the inventor of bikini knew about this and deliberately chose the name since of bomb testing done there. I actually have considered to write a follow up story when Hyper realize it was a fake pregnancy a couple of years later. Actually I think the false pregnancy spell is one of my most evil ideas ever... Thank you for input. It makes me very glad since this was pretty much one of the core objectives when writing the story. Thank you. It is an action sequence I am quite proud off. Thank you. The best part of it IMO is that Megaburst does it partly by mistake. Gives some perspective on the bitterness of Firefly for not been given fair handling by the press and fellow “superheroes”. I toyed with the idea of doing a full scene and even begun writing it at one point, but it looked like the page count would be huge with the full action scene included so I eventually went with the current news coverage of the final fight. Something I actually have been considering to do is to break out chapter 9 and 10 into a separate stand alone story since these events kind of break the flow of the main story and instead add more heroes vs demon fight towards the end. Problem is just that this would leave the presence of Avalanche kind of hanging and her use of powers in chapter 11 would seem even more over the top for the reader. Yep, it was all Avalanche’s doing. You might be interested to know that this was the scene that I added to story after your feedback about the shortcomings of the previous chapters. Originally the Megaburst sequence ended with Firefly getting his confession on tape and him quit being a superhero. Problem was just that this left this villain free to continue his abuse of females and go into being an official villain so it never felt quite satisfying. The added scene where Avalanche is proven to have learned to restrain her powers work great on giving Megaburst the ending he deserves. I hope you don’t will not be disappointed.
  11. Thundercloud

    AFF Holiday Party 2019

    Suppose Santa spend 30 seconds of stop time on each child….days would be less than a week of stop time….lets round it to a week..24*60*2*7 => 20160 nice children in the world.
  12. Thundercloud

    AFF Holiday Party 2019

    No problem really...another obvious reference is by the way the scientist John Dalton that has given name to the dalton unit than in recent years have replaced the unified atomic mass unit. I find it remarkable how you are able to plan out plenty of stories set in the same world that you intend to write later. Myself I might have plenty of stories in progress at any given time, but it is very rare that I have two stories planned/in progress for the same setting. I look forward to read your stories.
  13. Thundercloud

    AFF Holiday Party 2019

    I agree that the dialogue here is unpleasant...but it drives me nuts with all the porn with gullible people that trusts their black mailer just because he says so and then stop acting like it is black mailing the moment they have sex. Maybe that is just lack of acting ability of your average porn actor… I can very much understand where you are coming from. I think it depends very much on how you do the details if the scene works or not. Good that you liked the concept and the sex.
  14. Thundercloud

    AFF Holiday Party 2019

    I hope you realize that I did not say that the whole story was confusing. I would say most of it makes sense and that the story is fitting to the theme. I does make sense…but I think it become subtle due to the reader expectations at this point. With a lead person that is not looking for a fight but feeling very nostalgic you have at this point in the story not given the reader much chance to realize the potential of the lead character. It looks like a very uneven fight and when suddenly the arrivals is nervous I could not really understand why. Possibly the exchange could work better withalmost the same words if the last sentence was something the lead person says when she see they are nervous. Maybe it would work better if one of them is trigger happy and throws a spell that the lead person deflect by reflex. I think her character comes across as quite consistent. I little tweak of the scene that could perhaps help things would be to have the lead character too depressed to really look at the angel arriving. Only heartwarming stories...sounds like somebody is feeling the Christmas blues… I think your contribution is far more heartwarming than the Speechless entry. It is clearly a story about sadness, but nostalgia is IMO very much fair game for Christmas story. Thank you for contribution that I at least enjoyed reading despite the flaws we have discussed. Hmmm….how about a story when the save everything except a single second. This probably make less sense to the rest of you than me….I really need more sleep.
  15. Thundercloud

    AFF Holiday Party 2019

    I actually think that AFF is missing a story code that signal blackmail or similar non-consual sex. Considering how often this trope is used in porn it is clearly something that we can expect some people to be looking for. I will most certainly give it a thought. Both ideas have clear merit. The only thing holding me back will probably be limited writing time. Thank you.