AFF Holiday Party 2019

[Tcr]

Deck the halls with boughs of holly!  Fa la la la la, la la la la!  ‘Tis the season to be jolly!  Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Welcome to the Review Replies for the 2019 Holiday Party (which can be found here: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600109489)! 

Edited December 20, 2019 by Tcr

[JayDee]

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@GeorgeGlass

"Memories" by JayDee

I'll be honest; I didn't really understand the plot of this story. But it has some good imagery. And I agree that the notion of rebooting Harry Potter is repugnant.

I left a review on ThunderCloud’s story then saw this’n! Shame the software doesn’t allow chapter specific review/notifications, but it’s not the end of the world. That’s scheduled for a week next Thursday.

Thank you for your reivew! Until the end It reads much like my reviews of just about anything by James Joyce, with the obvious difference that he could write well!

HP’s made too much money for them not to try a reboot of the movies at some point. It will happen. But it might happen with all the stuff JK Rowling revealed after the books included, like her regret of Ron and Hermione ending up together or eg the first scene is teenage Dumbledore tongue fucking Grindelwald’s arse beneath a warm summer’s sun. “The Rims of Grindelwald.”

Thanks again, I appreciate it.

[Thundercloud]

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From GeorgeGlass on December 22, 2019

"The Christmas List" by Thundercloud

It would seem that there are some elves who belong on the naughty list, too. I liked the initial implication that the guy knew Sarah's secret because he's some kind of hacker -- until we find out that his information comes from a very different source. There are a few issues with the writing, but it's still pretty solid for an author to whom English is a second language.

The idea for the story actually started with the thought...what is in it for santa’s helpers? The answer that they get to do scheduled visits to those on the naughty list that possibly could be persuaded to do sexual things seemed like the natural answer when thinking about it from a AFF perspective.

As for points where the writing quality can be improved it would be miracle if there was not such considering that I don’t have any beta reader for this story and did not go through with my normal trick to write and leave it unpublished for a couple of months so I can read it myself with fresh eyes when I have sort of forgotten the text. Thank you for the encouraging review.

[Thundercloud]

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From JayDee on December 23, 2019

The Christmas List by ThunderCloud

It’s Sarah Miller Time! Sorry, saw the character name and bar setting and reminded of the old beer slogan. Sarah’s choice of Guinness of course is far superior to Miller. Some might say this is subjective. Pah, to them, I say. Anyway, trying to do this mostly spoiler free –

Not familiar with any such slogan...I chose the name mostly randomly.

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I liked the way it started, with Sarah simply trying to have a drink alone in a pub and someone not leaving her alone – unfortunately very realistic for a number of solo drinkers.

I aimed to make it grounded in that kind of scene to hide the less mundane aspects of the encounter.

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Anyway. This kind of sex theme obviously isn’t everyone’s cup for tea but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Fairly rough hard sex in a pub toilet – a surprisingly nice pub toilet so as not to be too degrading! – and a good time had by all. I thought that line ‘her proper business dress pushed up to reveal her intimate parts.’ was a great image. I think it worked really well that Sarah was thoroughly enjoying it once it got going. The orgasms were especially hot!

I considered if I should add some story tag for the blackmailing/non consensual sex bit...but did not really find any good warning tags to use. In the end I decided that the reluctant girl turns into loving it routine is so mainstream in porn that it would probably not upset people too much.

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I had an idea there was something odd about the guy with the hints dropped throughout but I didn’t twig what it actually was – very seasonal!. A pick up line as ancient as that is probably the first clue he isn’t necessarily young… Presumably he had a pretty good idea that Sarah was going to be very into it before picking her.

I’d be interested to read more of her filming her masked Pornhub scenes and any changes she might make after this experience.

I don’t have any specific plans...but it seems the concept is good for more stories.

[Thundercloud]

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From PlagueClover on December 23, 2019

The Christmas List by Thundercloud

Sarah seems quite relatable at first, then we quickly learn she's got sseeeecrets! Creep dude being creepy made me cringe hard lol and I was like "why don't you just leave, lady?!" but turned out she was into it? So you do you, Sarah gurl. Though I'm not super crazy about the trope, I did enjoy the twist at the end. Awesome short! 

Thanks for the very encouraging review. As for the question if she was into it, that is pretty much what stranger knew would happen since he had very trustworthy information. Anyway it sounds like you read it exactly like I am intended it when I wrote it. I look forward checking out your contribution, but time is limited with that thing called Christmas going on...

 

[JayDee]

21 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Not familiar with any such slogan...I chose the name mostly randomly.

It’s just a happy cross cultural co-incidence!

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I aimed to make it grounded in that kind of scene to hide the less mundane aspects of the encounter.

Worked as intended, I’d say.

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I considered if I should add some story tag for the blackmailing/non consensual sex bit...but did not really find any good warning tags to use. In the end I decided that the reluctant girl turns into loving it routine is so mainstream in porn that it would probably not upset people too much.

I usually would class sex obtained by coercian as rape, but it certainly is a mainstream porn theme. Especially these days. Or so people who look at porn tell me, I’m pure and innocent and would never do such a thing. Based on the reviews so far folks don’t seem upset anyhow so you seem to have pitched it about right!

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I don’t have any specific plans...but it seems the concept is good for more stories.

If nothing else occurs as an idea you could always bring ‘em back next year! Either with another naughter listee or seeing how life as changed for Sarah?

Thanks for doing the story for the party anyway, it was a good read!

And having just read GeorgeGlass’s entry I’ve spotted another review on my execrable attempt to join the fun!

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Memories by JayDee

@Thundercloud

I enjoyed reading this story even if it was kind confusing with a couple of sentences that I failed to connect with the narrative. For instance the sentence "Some of them feared their presents would go unopened." made me reread the paragraph twice without me able to make sense of the purpose of that sentence. The Harry Potter joke also seemed disconnected with the rest of the story.
 

Thank you for the review! I am sorry it didn’t make much sense – I think George had similar issues with making sense of this, so I fully accept a certain lack of coherency in my writing here. I’d say some of the issues are even more glaring obvious when placed against the better written entries (ie all of ‘em!)

So, this bit:

She could tell how nervous some of them were. Some of them feared their presents would go unopened.

The idea was trying to suggest these folks were so nervous they thought they were going to get killed, and as such would not live to open any presents they were given – this being a Christmas eve set story. I didn’t say it was a good idea, but I hope it makes more sense now!

As for Harry Potter, it was basically a bit of a jumping train of thought in character. Someone’s using magic, thanks to pop culture she thinks of Harry Potter, and then with her thoughts full of her husband she remembers watching a remake of the movie with him, before getting her thoughts back to the attackers. I totally see it is poorly written so feels disjointed and probably nonsensical too. My bad!

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The sentence about the best remaining friend on earth also made me confused, Why didn't she react on the arrival if that was the case?

She didn’t react because although they’re very good friends, she is incredibly miserable at Christmas time and some people find it hard to interact well even with old friends in this circumstance. She knew the friend was there, but since the friend was doing angel shit she just let her get on with it and kept with her own thoughts, and when she felt a little better just being in their company she did apologise for being rude. At least I think that was my rationalisation at the time.

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Is this set in the future of your regular story universe with the gang of four?

No names or anything included in it that might be a continuity lockout. It’s more just… total fucking misery at Christmas. I had kinda a bad day! Also I misread the summary for the AFF party and didn’t realise it was heartwarming stories that were wanted. And also am terrible at writing now. I dunno where I am going with this answer.

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I think it would have been better to either make reference to her knowing the person when she/he arrived (I totally failed to understand if the person arriving was male or a female). Actually not including this detail could also work, IMHO the story works without this friendship reference.

Be hard to see how this story could work worse at this stage! Again, lack of clarity and coherance on my part over the angel’s gender. I would argue that the existing relationship  doesn’t need strictly explaining directly when the angel arrives because both of them would already know it, and it only becomes strictly relevent to the reader when it is revealed anyway. Plus with my ham fisted writing I’d probably put something like:

Old lady: “As you know you are my old friend who has arrived”

Angel: “Yes, as you know I have known you for some time in an amicable manner.”

And people would be hitting the next chapter button to get out of this shitshow so hard their devices would break. It’d be a mess!

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Ending thought is that I would love to read about the event at a previous christmas when the three saved the day.

It’s better than that – they saved the night, too! And even the gloaming! Basically, the entire 24 hours. I will absolutely write it if I find myself able to.

Thank you again for the review, I absolutely appreciate you taking the time to leave your thoughts and I am sorry for the especially confusing parts.

[Thundercloud]

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

I usually would class sex obtained by coercian as rape, but it certainly is a mainstream porn theme. Especially these days. Or so people who look at porn tell me, I’m pure and innocent and would never do such a thing. Based on the reviews so far folks don’t seem upset anyhow so you seem to have pitched it about right!

I actually think that AFF is missing a story code that signal blackmail or similar non-consual sex. Considering how often this trope is used in porn it is clearly something that we can expect some people to be looking for.

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

If nothing else occurs as an idea you could always bring ‘em back next year! Either with another naughter listee or seeing how life as changed for Sarah?

I will most certainly give it a thought. Both ideas have clear merit. The only thing holding me back will probably be limited writing time.

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

Thanks for doing the story for the party anyway, it was a good read!

Thank you.

[Thundercloud]

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

Thank you for the review! I am sorry it didn’t make much sense – I think George had similar issues with making sense of this, so I fully accept a certain lack of coherency in my writing here. I’d say some of the issues are even more glaring obvious when placed against the better written entries (ie all of ‘em!)

I hope you realize that I did not say that the whole story was confusing. I would say most of it makes sense and that the story is fitting to the theme.

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

She could tell how nervous some of them were. Some of them feared their presents would go unopened.

The idea was trying to suggest these folks were so nervous they thought they were going to get killed, and as such would not live to open any presents they were given – this being a Christmas eve set story. I didn’t say it was a good idea, but I hope it makes more sense now!

I does make sense…but I think it become subtle due to the reader expectations at this point. With a lead person that is not looking for a fight but feeling very nostalgic you have at this point in the story not given the reader much chance to realize the potential of the lead character. It looks like a very uneven fight and when suddenly the arrivals is nervous I could not really understand why. Possibly the exchange could work better withalmost the same words if the last sentence was something the lead person says when she see they are nervous.

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

As for Harry Potter, it was basically a bit of a jumping train of thought in character. Someone’s using magic, thanks to pop culture she thinks of Harry Potter, and then with her thoughts full of her husband she remembers watching a remake of the movie with him, before getting her thoughts back to the attackers. I totally see it is poorly written so feels disjointed and probably nonsensical too. My bad!

Maybe it would work better if one of them is trigger happy and throws a spell that the lead person deflect by reflex.

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

She didn’t react because although they’re very good friends, she is incredibly miserable at Christmas time and some people find it hard to interact well even with old friends in this circumstance. She knew the friend was there, but since the friend was doing angel shit she just let her get on with it and kept with her own thoughts, and when she felt a little better just being in their company she did apologise for being rude. At least I think that was my rationalisation at the time.

I think her character comes across as quite consistent. I little tweak of the scene that could perhaps help things would be to have the lead character too depressed to really look at the angel arriving.

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

No names or anything included in it that might be a continuity lockout. It’s more just… total fucking misery at Christmas. I had kinda a bad day! Also I misread the summary for the AFF party and didn’t realise it was heartwarming stories that were wanted. And also am terrible at writing now. I dunno where I am going with this answer.

Only heartwarming stories...sounds like somebody is feeling the Christmas blues…

I think your contribution is far more heartwarming than the Speechless entry. It is clearly a story about sadness, but nostalgia is IMO very much fair game for Christmas story. Thank you for contribution that I at least enjoyed reading despite the flaws we have discussed.

13 hours ago, JayDee said:

It’s better than that – they saved the night, too! And even the gloaming! Basically, the entire 24 hours. I will absolutely write it if I find myself able to.

Hmmm….how about a story when the save everything except a single second. This probably make less sense to the rest of you than me….I really need more sleep.

[Thundercloud]

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From InBrightestDay on December 25, 2019

The Christmas List

Well, this certainly ran the emotional gamut, didn't it?

I mean it, I started out thinking of this like a sweet story about a woman who couldn't figure out what to get her family for Christmas (been there), and then it turned into a sort of comedy with this younger guy who couldn't take a hint and leave her alone...and then it became genuinely frightening when he forced his way into the bathroom and blackmailed her.  The exchange that basically reads..

"How do I know you won't expose all my secrets anyway?"

"That's the best part about blackmail: you don't!"

...Was actually really unpleasant.

I agree that the dialogue here is unpleasant...but it drives me nuts with all the porn with gullible people that trusts their black mailer just because he says so and then stop acting like it is black mailing the moment they have sex. Maybe that is just lack of acting ability of your average porn actor…

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Of course then this turns into one of those stories about how a woman doesn't realize she's a submissive until a man dominates and humiliates her and shows her her place.  This has really bothered me in the past, but here it works out quite well.

I can very much understand where you are coming from. I think it depends very much on how you do the details if the scene works or not.

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The sex scene was actually pretty hot once Sarah got into it, and I like the idea that the elves actually want some people to stay on the Naughty List, at least for a given definition of "naughty," since it allows them to have some fun outside of work.

Good that you liked the concept and the sex.

[GeorgeGlass]

From Thundercloud on December 24, 2019

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Review of The Ninth Reeindeer

This story is perfect fit for everyone looking for some anthropomorphic reindeer sex...the idea sounds so silly that I cannot avoid cracking up when I say it aloud.

 

LOL.

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Myself I am not really into these things and must admit that I mostly did not think about furry bodies as I read the scene scenes. On the other hand the sex scenes are good and the times you reminded the readers that they are actually reindeer did not really intrude on my enjoyment of reading about the sex. A few of images of the reindeer flashing through my mind as I read it was kind of sexy even if prefer other stuff.

Glad you liked those scenes, even if furries aren't your thing.

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As for the plot I thought it somewhat long considering the number of plot threads going on, but as setup to writing some good sex scenes it worked pretty well. 

Thanks.

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Thanks for giving me something quite refreshingly new to read that has expanded my field of reference quite a lot.

I'm glad. Thanks for the review!

[GeorgeGlass]

From JayDee on December 25, 2019

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The Ninth Reindeer by GeorgeGlass

It’s not Christmas day if you don’t spend some time reading reindeer smut, as Great Aunt Euryale always said.

 

I suppose she would know, given her legendary ability to make a man permanently hard.

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Loved it! Straight up loved it! 

Thanks!

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A great take on the Rudolph story and, sure, there’s that hazing thing he had at the flight school as a solid call back to Rudulph’s bullying, but I enjoyed the way the new team gave him a chance even after that initial rough landing, and that it was clearly not just because the dude had a cute ass.

I figured Rudy had enough to deal with without acrimony from his new teammates. And the "welcome orgy" scene wouldn't have worked under those circumstances.

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Two excellent sex scenes and an engaging story around ‘em. Obviously anthro reindeer isn’t everyone’s thing but they felt very human but also fantasy built with the hefty muscular guys and the curvy gals. 

This story was partly inspired by artwork I've seen on Inkbunny of hot reindeer getting it on at the gym.

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Another thing not for everyone but also great here was the bisexual content. The whole team getting on both felt appropriate with their close working relationship, and also that ass plowing when he’s already tired was fucking hot, especially paired with the blow job – getting off at the same time Is always pretty hot, and the story’s got it in cool different ways.

I'm a lot more comfortable writing m/m stuff when it's about furries, and I figured this story was a good place to engage in some of that -- particularly given that, with the addition of Rudy, the guys outnumber the girls on the Team.

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The antler chaser terminology and exchange made me laugh out loud

I came up with that very early on in the planning of the story. It was what ultimately inspired me to write the Rudy / Greta scene at the end.

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 – and also that use of ‘elf magic’ at the end to fit him all inside the elf. It was sexy as hell, but the elf magic comment made me laugh at the same time. “My reasons are complex” another one that made me grin, oh, and ‘hocking one’ laugh out loud.

I figured I couldn't do a story about talking reindeer without including some comedy.

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More heartwarming stuff though – getting to live his childhood dream, the using of the same harness from the grandfather’s run, the way he was so accepted by the team (already ref’d!), the wonderful picture he got as a present.

Well, you know, there had to be something to distinguish the Holiday collection from the Halloween one.

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This is smut as I say, but it’s more. It’s a genuinely heartwarming fuck fic. I’m glad you didn’t go for a shorter one!

Thank you!

[InBrightestDay]

On 12/26/2019 at 4:06 AM, Thundercloud said:

I agree that the dialogue here is unpleasant...but it drives me nuts with all the porn with gullible people that trusts their black mailer just because he says so and then stop acting like it is black mailing the moment they have sex. Maybe that is just lack of acting ability of your average porn actor… 

It may has to do with two things, the first being, as you suggested, the acting ability of your average porn star, but it may also have to do with the writing philosophy behind porn.  I tend to think of porn as being like fast food: the goal is to get the product (the sex scene, in this case) to the customer as quickly as possible, and as such the story and character beats are reduced to the bare minimum to get to “the good stuff.”

This is why I prefer written erotica: while there’s overlap, at its best erotica is less like fast food and more like a sit-down restaurant.  You wait for the sex scene, but you spend time with characters you like and get buildup (appetizers, if you will), so that when your main course finally arrives, it’s more rewarding.

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I can very much understand where you are coming from. I think it depends very much on how you do the details if the scene works or not.

Yeah, it can come across like Stockholm Syndrome if it’s done wrong.  In fanfiction it can also bother me depending on what character it’s applied to, but that would turn into a rant if I discussed it, so I’ll just leave it at that.

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Good that you liked the concept and the sex.

Thank you for joining the party!

[InBrightestDay]

@Thundercloud gives Moonlit Snow its first review!

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Pretty solid story telling with a holiday theme so you clearly did the excitement with honors.  If I had written such piece I would probably not been able to avoid make the after the party scene into a sex scene. It is kind of classic setup, but for obvious reasons kind of cheap and probably not fitting your plans for characters.

I did briefly consider having Aldreda and Elis have sex, or at least share a kiss, but there were two reasons I didn’t do that.  The first is that I wanted JayDee to be able to read this, and they don’t read anything with a character below sixteen, so Elis is just one year too young.  Of course, I could have just made Elis sixteen, but that brings me to the second reason: as you guessed, I have plans for these two.

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The scene you play out instead when they hold hands was probably my favorite part of the story.

Thank you!  It’s a very G-rated romantic moment, but I felt like it could still be very sweet given what it means for the two of them.  I’m very glad it worked!

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Speaking about the characters the scene when he don't want to avoid asking what he did wrong because an adult would know what to correct reads to me as the prime example of him still being young.

Also very glad that worked!  I was trying to write Elis as believably feeling like a fifteen year old, not quite a little kid anymore, but not really a man yet either.

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As for the setting I found it very interesting and would love to read more stories using the same setting.

Hold that thought…

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Yet there is one name that rubbed me the wrong way...I cannot read the name Dalton without thinking on the Dalton brothers from Lucky Luke. These comic books is inspired by the real world criminal band formed by the Dalton family so it is kind of famous name. Not that this name lessened my enjoyment of the story, but I thought it worth to mention in case you want to avoid the possible same-name-issue.

So I didn’t know about Lucky Luke, but I did figure something like this might happen.  “Dalton” is from the Old English meaning “valley town” (a valley being called a dale, and thus “dale town”), but plenty of English names were derived from the place the person lived in, so I figured it might sound like somebody.  Sorry about that.

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Keep the good work! I want to read more about these characters.

Thank you, and now we bring back that thought you were holding above.  Much like After Party was an introduction for Yua and Cody as a couple, who will later have their own story, Moonlit Snow is one for Aldreda and Elis.  There will be three more stories set in this world, one starring a human named Reynard and a giantess named Sigrid, and the other two starring Aldreda and Elis.  The first one will take place when Elis is twelve and he first meets Lady Aldreda and, as you might expect, won’t feature any sex due to his age.  The second, longer one will happen when Aldreda and Elis have to stop a huge supernatural threat.  That one will take place when Elis is twenty and Aldreda 32, and that’s when the sexual relationship will happen.  Since Moonlit Snow is in between these stories, I figured I could show them inching toward that eventual relationship, growing just that little bit closer to one another.

Thanks for the review!

[InBrightestDay]

On an amusing note, @GeorgeGlass reviewed Moonlit Snow at almost the same moment I reviewed The Ninth Reindeer!
 

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A lovely story, for so many reasons:

--You really seem to know your stuff regarding Renaissance weaponry. The sword training at the beginning seemed very realistic, and I liked the note that the mace was the one weapon the bandits carried that could injure Aldreda through her armor.

Thank you so much!  I did a lot of research for this, and by extension for the other stories that will feature Aldreda and Elis, and most of it centered on medieval and early Renaissance weapons, armor and combat, so learning about stuff like the different types of swords and armor and so forth.  The sword training was based on stuff I learned there, including both Aldreda’s “hand behind your back” thing…

...and her advice about using shorter movements and not going for the big wide swing because it shows the enemy what you’re doing.  the videos I watched referred to this as “telegraphing”, but since the telegraph obviously doesn’t exist in the setting, I had to explain it some other way.  Finally, I also learned about both some swordplay (the bit where Aldreda alternates left-right-left-right-stab is an actual technique, meant to do just what it does in story: lock the enemy into a repetitive set of movements and leave him unprepared for when you change things up) and about how different weapons interact with different kinds of armor, such as how her plate armor would render Lady Aldreda pretty much immune to swords or axes, but weapons like maces and certain polearms could still really hurt her.

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Also, I've heard of the "unscrew the pommel and throw it" trick, but given that it renders your sword nearly useless, I guessed that Lady Aldreda told Elis about it just to tease him for wanting a shortcut in his training. So I LOLed when Elis actually did it anyway.

Yeah, that was a joke that only emerged during research, with a number of medieval combat videos talking about it.  Apparently it pops up in an old German treatise on sword fighting (starting with “to end thine opponent rightly...”), and since it, as you said, unbalances your sword and makes it more difficult to fight with, and since the pommel itself is unlikely to hurt someone wearing armor, pretty much everyone is certain it’s a joke.  One video I watched suggested that this might have been, for all intents and purposes, trolling, an instructor giving his students a ridiculous idea because it would be freaking hilarious to see them try to do it during sparring.

As you suspected, its inclusion here is Lady Aldreda playing a bit with Elis when he tries to rush his training, only for him to take it seriously and actually make it work!

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--The dialogue is well written. I LOLed at "Truly, an insult I have never heard before."

Thanks!  I mention it during the overview of the dinner she goes to, but Lady Aldreda gets varying reactions to her condition, with one reaction being to make open, insulting jokes about her being a corpse or some sort of undead, and I imagine for that she tends to get bitingly sarcastic in her responses.

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--The world-building is titrated just right. I also liked the unique bits, like the idea that vampires' night vision has a down side.

That was definitely a challenge.  Unlike After Party, which used the “like reality unless otherwise noted” idea, this took place in its own world.  I could get away with certain things being similar to reality (a feudal system like medieval England, and hints of countries analogous to East Asia), but I had to craft a unique religion, and it was hard to figure out how much of that to explain.

I should probably clarify that Lady Aldreda isn’t a vampire.  That was just a mean-spirited jab Hopkin threw at her.  I was trying to generate some level of mystery for the audience about what exactly her deal is, and I figured some people might assume she really is a vampire.  I explained it to an extent during the dinner overview, stating that she was “born without color” and that her condition is rare, one out of tens of thousands of births.  She’s not a vampire; she’s albino.

The scientific term for this is “oculocutaneous albinism type 2.”  OCA2 occurs in roughly 1 in 20,000 births, and the lack of pigmentation results in Aldreda’s distinct look as well as her problems.  Her lack of melanin means that she sunburns at the drop of a hat, which is why she doesn’t really go outside during the day and covers her skin when she does.  This also leads to her visual problem.  Albino people often suffer from photophobia (sensitivity to bright lights) due to a phenomenon called ocular straylight, wherein light scatters inside the eyeball; it’s the biological equivalent of a lens flare in a camera (which even happens the same way, with light scattering inside the camera).  Because of this, she operates better in softer light, like moonlight or starlight, and between the photophobia and the ease with which she sunburns, she does most of her work at night, and as a result has developed very good night vision.

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--The ending is so sweet it brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you so much!  Pretty much the entire story was written to lead up to that scene.  I meant it to be sweet and romantic, and I’m really happy it seems to be working for people.

Thank you for the review!

Edited December 30, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[FairySlayer]

On 12/26/2019 at 5:05 PM, GeorgeGlass said:

From JayDee on December 25, 2019

– and also that use of ‘elf magic’ at the end to fit him all inside the elf.

Heh, when  Greta explained that "Elf magic" is what allowed her to do that – you know, the same way the elves in the shop could keep refilling Santa's sack – I imagined Rudy's cock popping out of some other elf girl's vagina; then maybe a third elf girl would tribb her so that Rudy had an elf-kabob thing going on.

Yeah, I'm weird.

[GeorgeGlass]

On 12/27/2019 at 10:50 PM, InBrightestDay said:

I should probably clarify that Lady Aldreda isn’t a vampire.  That was just a mean-spirited jab Hopkin threw at her.  I was trying to generate some level of mystery for the audience about what exactly her deal is, and I figured some people might assume she really is a vampire.  I explained it to an extent during the dinner overview, stating that she was “born without color” and that her condition is rare, one out of tens of thousands of births.  She’s not a vampire; she’s albino.

The scientific term for this is “oculocutaneous albinism type 2.”  OCA2 occurs in roughly 1 in 20,000 births, and the lack of pigmentation results in Aldreda’s distinct look as well as her problems.  Her lack of melanin means that she sunburns at the drop of a hat, which is why she doesn’t really go outside during the day and covers her skin when she does.  This also leads to her visual problem.  Albino people often suffer from photophobia (sensitivity to bright lights) due to a phenomenon called ocular straylight, wherein light scatters inside the eyeball; it’s the biological equivalent of a lens flare in a camera (which even happens the same way, with light scattering inside the camera).  Because of this, she operates better in softer light, like moonlight or starlight, and between the photophobia and the ease with which she sunburns, she does most of her work at night, and as a result has developed very good night vision.

Ah, okay. I had the idea that albinos have pink eyes, but apparently there isn’t a single, agreed-upon definition of “albino.”

In any case, hats off again for a story that is both mentally and emotionally engaging.

[GeorgeGlass]

15 hours ago, FairySlayer said:

Heh, when  Greta explained that "Elf magic" is what allowed her to do that – you know, the same way the elves in the shop could keep refilling Santa's sack – I imagined Rudy's cock popping out of some other elf girl's vagina; then maybe a third elf girl would tribb her so that Rudy had an elf-kabob thing going on.

Yeah, I'm weird.

Maybe I could write a story next year about the unexpected sexual adventure of Greta’s twin sister.

[GeorgeGlass]

So, it seems @InBrightestDay and I have passed like ships in the night. My turn to blow the foghorn. 

From InBrightestDay on December 27, 2019

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The Ninth Reindeer

Well, I promised myself I would read all the party stories, so it's time for me to read some furry porn!

I actually like all the world building you did here, with different roles for the different reindeer on the team, as well as mechanical details of the world, like the practice sleigh with motorized tracks on the bottom.

This was one of those stories that starts out as a simple idea – in this case, “reindeer orgy” – and then just gets away from you and becomes a whole thing. Much of the world-building is a result of that.

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It was also an interesting idea to mention how reindeer's vision extends into the ultraviolet portion of the spectrum, though I'll admit I don't think that'd be helpful at night, seeing as the primary source of UV light (the Sun) isn't visible and the UV light from stars is too faint.  Still, it was a cool detail.

Whoops, you’re quite right. Apparently, the main function of their UV vision is to avoid being crippled by snow-blindness.

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Another thing I liked was the use of the historical dates as references, like the Great Fog of '64, referencing the year the Rankin/Bass special came out, and then later a mention of '39, when the song was first recorded.

Wow, you’re the first person to catch that.

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The fact that Rudy's grandfather was a Rudolph, implying that the name is sort of a legacy thing, does make me question if the other famous reindeer are legacies as well, like if this is the third Dasher or something.

Could be, yes.

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One thing I will crticize, however, is that you totally stole a joke from me!  When the orgy started, I was all set to make a joke about Rudolph being allowd to join in some reindeer games, and then...

“Actually,” Rudy replied, almost panting, “I didn’t get to, um, join in many reindeer games.”

Damnit, Glass!

C’mon, how could I not reference that?

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The orgy scene itself was kinda hot, though I do think for me it was somewhat hampered by this (anthropomorphic animals, that is) not quite being my thing, so it kind of worked, but not quite as well as I'd imagine it will for other people.

I posted this story on Inkbunny, too, and of course the main complaint there was about the sex scene with the elf.

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I liked that you explained why all the workouts were necessary, as I had been wondering about that, but then you showed that time only actually freezes for Santa Claus, while for the reindeer that night takes days.  It's a pretty cool idea.

Actually, it takes hours for the reindeer and days for Santa, because the reindeer aren’t aware of it when Santa stops time. 

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Of course, then we get to Greta and Rudy's sex scene and...

“Mmm, nothing tastes quite like reindeer.” 

When Rudy blanched, Greta added, “Oooh, sorry, that was insensitive. I know some humans eat reindeer.”

...I have several questions.  Do humans eat anthropomorphic, sapient reindeer?  Are only some reindeer anthropomorphic, while others are normal?  If the latter is the case, does humanity or the world at large know about the existence of the anthropomorphic reindeer, or are they considered folkloric creatures like Santa himself?

You got me there; I didn’t think that one all the way through. I just thought of the “Nothing tastes like reindeer” line, then remembered a Swedish friend talking about eating reindeer, and I just stuck that line in there.

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Well, those questions aside, this was really well done, and thank you for sharing it!

Thanks for the review!

Edited December 29, 2019 by GeorgeGlass

[InBrightestDay]

On 12/29/2019 at 9:52 AM, GeorgeGlass said:

Ah, okay. I had the idea that albinos have pink eyes, but apparently there isn’t a single, agreed-upon definition of “albino.” 

You’re not wrong!

What’s going on is that, while the definition of albinism in mammals is pretty firm (it gets murky in other animals because melanin isn’t their only pigment) there are multiple kinds of albinism, medically speaking, differentiated by the genetic mutations that cause them.  Oculocutaneous albinism is the most common kind and there are different types of that based on what genes are mutated.  As for the red eyes, recall that I said Lady Aldreda has oculocutaneous albinism type 2.  What you’re thinking of is type 1.

OCA2 is caused by a mutation of the OCA2 gene (named after the thing the mutation causes!) on Chromosome 15, a gene that codes for melanocyte-specific transporter protein.  I could explain the biochemistry a bit more, but what it amounts to is a drastically decreased production of melanin, but the body does still make some, and melanin gives the iris its color.  Large amounts of melanin result in brown eyes, while very small amounts, like in OCA2, result in icy blue eyes.  OCA2 is the most common form of albinism, occurring in either 1in 20,000 or 1 in 15,000 births (sources vary slightly)

OCA1, on the other hand, is far rarer (1 in 40,000 births), but is probably the most iconic form of albinism, caused by a mutation of the TYR (tyrosinase) gene on Chromosome 11.  People with OCA1 don’t make any melanin, not even in their eyes.  As a result, the iris is transparent, and you can see the red blood in the retina through the iris, hence the red color.  I actually wanted Lady Aldreda to have OCA1 in my initial planning stage, as I thought the red eyes would look cool, factor into the negative reactions to her and contribute to her exotic beauty (there probably would have been a bit during Elis’s description of Aldreda talking about her striking ruby-colored eyes) but I ran into a problem.

You see, melanin doesn’t just color your iris or help keep your skin from being hurt by the sun.  It’s actually important in the development of multiple parts of the eye, including the iris, retina, optic nerve and eye muscles, so a total lack of the chemical has adverse effects on vision.  People with OCA2 may sometimes suffer from problems with bright lights, but people with OCA1 have it far worse.  You’ve heard of 20/20 vision?  Well, people with OCA1 can have 20/200 or even 20/400 vision.  They’re not blind, but it’s a pretty severe impairment.  This wouldn’t necessarily hinder Lady Aldreda’s melee capability (she could compensate for decreased vision with her other senses), but I also wanted her to be good with her crossbow, and she needs sight for that.

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In any case, hats off again for a story that is both mentally and emotionally engaging.

Thank you again for the compliment, and I’m sorry for the biology lesson I just gave you above.

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[about the dates] Wow, you’re the first person to catch that.

Well, given that this is sort of a retelling of the story, when you mentioned the Great Fog of ‘64, I figured it might be a reference and did some research.  By the time you mentioned ‘39, I knew what that was about.

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I posted this story on Inkbunny, too, and of course the main complaint there was about the sex scene with the elf.

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Actually, it takes hours for the reindeer and days for Santa, because the reindeer aren’t aware of it when Santa stops time.

Oops!  Had that backwards...

Edited December 30, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

Heyoo! I hope the Christmassy/holidayey/late decembery/lightsy period went all well for you all. Sorry for delay in replies here, but I am back now. Back, and just as self loathing as ever!

On 12/26/2019 at 7:59 AM, Thundercloud said:

I actually think that AFF is missing a story code that signal blackmail or similar non-consual sex. Considering how often this trope is used in porn it is clearly something that we can expect some people to be looking for.

There’s a thread for story code suggestions over here that you can suggest it in! (or start a new one!) I think there may be a feeling that such a code would also need a rape tag, simply because while some folks use the codes to look for content they enjoy, others use them to avoid content that they would find distressing, and may not want to view any form of rape content, so having a clear code for that without having to check the meaning of something possibly less obvious is really useful.

On 12/26/2019 at 8:45 AM, Thundercloud said:

I hope you realize that I did not say that the whole story was confusing. I would say most of it makes sense and that the story is fitting to the theme.

I totally got that! But when both reviews point out it ain’t the easiest to follow then I gotta take on board that it’s a little incoherant!

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Maybe it would work better if one of them is trigger happy and throws a spell that the lead person deflect by reflex.

That woulda worked. Probably there should have been more actual conflict, conflict is what makes stories interesting a lotta the time after all.

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I think your contribution is far more heartwarming than the Speechless entry. It is clearly a story about sadness, but nostalgia is IMO very much fair game for Christmas story. Thank you for contribution that I at least enjoyed reading despite the flaws we have discussed.

Thank you! And thanks again for the review.

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Hmmm….how about a story when the save everything except a single second. This probably make less sense to the rest of you than me….I really need more sleep.

I don’t even know what’s gonna happen. But luckily if I never get around to writing it, from the POV of the Christmas story it already happened!

[JayDee]

On 12/26/2019 at 10:05 PM, GeorgeGlass said:

From JayDee on December 25, 2019

I suppose she would know, given her legendary ability to make a man permanently hard.

...she does have some very lightlike sculpture in her garden.

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I figured Rudy had enough to deal with without acrimony from his new teammates. And the "welcome orgy" scene wouldn't have worked under those circumstances.
 

“...shall I have a welcoming hatefuck? No, dash it all, it’s Christmas!” Hey, it was cool the way they all gelled. Uh, I mean, as a team.

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I'm a lot more comfortable writing m/m stuff when it's about furries, and I figured this story was a good place to engage in some of that -- particularly given that, with the addition of Rudy, the guys outnumber the girls on the Team.

I kinda had you down as the writer who could write anything, in any topic – I mean, you even nailed the Vanilla theme – so shows I was making an unfounded assumption. It’s quality MM stuff anyway, well, Bi!

On 12/28/2019 at 3:33 AM, InBrightestDay said:

I did briefly consider having Aldreda and Elis have sex, or at least share a kiss, but there were two reasons I didn’t do that.  The first is that I wanted JayDee to be able to read this, and they don’t read anything with a character below sixteen, so Elis is just one year too young.  Of course, I could have just made Elis sixteen, but that brings me to the second reason: as you guessed, I have plans for these two.

Ahh man, you shouldn’t feel any need to self censor just because of my own thoughts on what I read and what I don’t. If you were really keen for me to read it, you could have sent me a “TV edit” version (“is he… is he finding a stranger in the alps?”) with the sex scene/romantic lines removed and I could have reviewed that for you. Whatever you’re into, you’re not hurting folks just writing stories after all. Although since you’ve got those plans for ‘em I guess it all works out anyway waiting ‘til he’s 20. I’m kinda skipping the rest of the review/review reply as I haven’t read the story yet (beyond the brief extracts in email!) but I am hoping to get it read tomorrow now I am no longer hosting visitors! I am looking forward to it – new Year’s Eve treat since I am to tight to pay to go out on NYE anymore!

Edited December 30, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

On 12/29/2019 at 3:05 PM, GeorgeGlass said:

Wow, you’re the first person to catch that.

If there’s something to catch, InBrightestDay is the one to catch it! I wasn’t even familiar with the original song/film(?) although I’ve seen enough Rudolph references over the years and no doubt derivative stories to have the basics. Gotta say it sounds like a pretty cool, well thought out reference!

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I posted this story on Inkbunny, too, and of course the main complaint there was about the sex scene with the elf.

but… but… it still has a big ol’ anthro deer! He was a buck and he was there to fuck! (uh… sorry Kiddo)! Just because some shortstack got stuck in someone was upset? Bah, furry drama llamas…

On 12/28/2019 at 10:59 PM, FairySlayer said:

Heh, when  Greta explained that "Elf magic" is what allowed her to do that – you know, the same way the elves in the shop could keep refilling Santa's sack – I imagined Rudy's cock popping out of some other elf girl's vagina; then maybe a third elf girl would tribb her so that Rudy had an elf-kabob thing going on.

Yeah, I'm weird.

There was an old old oglaf strip with the “Invincible Shield Maiden” where every strike someone gave her appeared on them, with the punchline being that a guy fucked her and felt his own cock inside him, “so good!” Reading your elf-kabob description reminded me of that and made me thinkof the elf magic being abused in a similar way. Rudy goes balls deep and suddenly he’s up to the nuts in his own reindeer guts – not in the Weird Al sense.

...yeah I’m also kinda weird.

[JayDee]

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@InBrightestDay

Memories

Wow.  Seriously, that was amazing.  You do a lot of oneshots, so for quite a while I just thought the old lady was a legitimately old lady, writing off the stones around the house and the feeling she gets while walking past them as being mental rather than magical.  It was only when it was mentioned that she was a vampire that I realized who this was and it all made sense.  It made me reread the stuff about her and her husband, about him choosing to live and therefore die.  I had thought that was about him, say, having cancer and choosing not to get chemo or something, but then it becomes clear that he chose to stay human rather than let her turn him.

Thank you for the review! I appreciate it entirely! That was absolutely what I was going for – introducing her as the old lady she is in spirit, and then revealing a little more until it is obvious she’s a vampire. Given the short word count I totally get how it can be a little rushed and confusing tho. I figure it would have been a bit of an internal conflict for her because while there’s a few things she likes about being a vampire on the whole she’d rather not have had to become one, and wouldn’t want to force it on someone else – and she’d probably have not really pushed it either. Made all the negatives clear, but also that giving him the option to avoid aging, and death from old age. If he knew the angels, knew for certain there was a good chance of avoiding Hell, I figure he decided he’d rather live and then wait for her, however long it took. She wasn’t just deciding “Ah, I can’t live without this man.” it was more, she’d existing for a life, she’d had a good one with someone she loved, and friends, and the rest, and having to keep going through losing people except for maybe a couple other immortals just didn’t appeal at all. So, yeah, he chose to live and then to die.

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The bit with the angel on the bridge was really sweet, and of course her personality is pretty much what it always was (though maybe a bit less prone to dirty jokes), and the reference to the day that three once-fallen angels saved the world is one amazing hint at something massive to come.  It made me wonder about their identities, since you have several demon characters, and that's leaving aside angels for whom the term "fallen" could be used more loosely.

Probably safe to say one of them isn’t that well dressed fellow who made such a splash in California. I have a pretty good idea who one of the other two was (...inky fingers), and a fairly solid idea on the third. Probably depends on how good Jude was at his job.

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I think that while some people might not understand what's going on here, it's a very rewarding experience for those who have followed your series with these characters.  At least, that's how it was for me.

I’m really happy you got that out of it! I definitely tried to go for something that could work for readers who don’t know my characters at all, since I figured there’d be more of ‘em than usual, so going in without names and with some wider/more general tropes like a tired old non-evil vampire, depression at Christmas, and so on. Didn’t quite land, but what the heck! It’s Christmas and it was short!

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Finally, the ending made me tear up.  It was really sweet, and I can't entirely put the feelings into words.

The ol’ happy reununion with deceased loved ones in paradise trope – overly sentimental for centuries!  Glad I touched ya tho’ Not like that.

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Thank you so much for sharing!

Thank you again for the review! I look forward to reading and reviewing yours tomorrow as I gotta go have an exhausted sleep soon (and I hope that amusing exchange from the extract made it in!)

[GeorgeGlass]

So it appears that my undead-ar is really poor: I misidentified @InBrightestDay’s Lady Aldreda as a vampire and failed to understand that @JayDee’s MC was one. I think the “once-fallen angel” thing confused me because I’ve been watching too much High School DxD.

[JayDee]

Yeah, the angel used to be a demon after falling during that unpleasantness with Lucifer. My flowery description probably didn’t help! Does the plot make any more sense knowing she is a vampire or is it still just a mess? Be honest, I can take negative reviews. I’ve had little choice over the years :D