Jaimie's Campfire (StarRebels)

[DirtyAngel]

A WEEK! no no no, skip sleep and meals and you should be able to get it done in  a couple of days

Oh and you can write on the toidy too

[Desiderius Price]

Rushing leads to scat … suffering.  No, it’s better to make it smooth and take my time.  I’ve been writing a bit slower than a chapter a week for a while, so it was bound to catch up to me.  (I also need to work on my database some, so that’s time away from writing, though the database helps overall.)  And, I want to get in some 3D modelling too.

I still like my once-a-week goal, just with the caveat that it can slide, as necessary.  (Decided on that caveat post-Jefferey-burnout.)

 

 

[DirtyAngel]

NNNOOOO, no scat please

[Desiderius Price]

A more direct response is that quality suffers if I rush too fast.  It’ll simply be later than I had wanted, but in this case, the delay will be productive, IMO.

- DP

[Desiderius Price]

I’ll probably find by the end of the week that I should’ve waited like I normally do.  This weekend, the chapter grew and had to be split, and I finished them both, which means I have material to post this weekend and next, therefore, the chapter 7 is being released a tad early, today, two days instead of a week late, and I can post 8 next weekend.

- DP

 

[Desiderius Price]

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New review for Dale's Game from DirtyAngel

OMG, pooped on the floor? You did that to gross me out you mean man

ok, where to start...I liked the initial scene with Jarod and Dale, definately how I would have reacted, cry and run. I know because that's exactly what I did when I got cheated on, didn't want to hear any excuses, just wanted to get away from that person because it hurt to even look at her. So I think Jarod's reaction is right on.

but I think Suzie is a bit messed up, she forgave Clara way too easily, I maybe would have forgiven her as well but she would have to prove I could trust her, as for using Jarad as a sex toy, well ewwwwww. And I know they're kids but Jarod kind of let it happen way too easily to be just gay, so he is so definately bi, and to be honest I get that he would allow it, sort of revenge on Dale thing, THAT I understand even though I do get how pretending to be a couple can turn into being a couple, I have something like that with my hubby. I never intended to ever sleep with him, we were just going to share our "wife" but I sort of fell in love with him and now, while most men do nothing for me, I love him and love being with him. I sort of consider myself gay with one exception LOL, so I get the whole Jarod/Suzie and Dale/Clara thing. question is does it go anywhere or was it a failed experiment. I mean Suzy sort of went all man hater on Jarod in the closet which could be her actually not liking men or her not able to accept her feelings for Jarod. going to be fun to see how this progresses

Loved the nightmare though, that was well done, kudos DP. It had that disjointed sureal feeling that nightmares have with Dales cheating seeming like some great monster he couldn't escape, loved that.

So if I were Jarod, and I've been there before, even if he loves Dale this is going to be hard because he sees it as a betrayal and trust is hard to get back. I couldn't do it with a person who I loved, and still have feelings for, because I just never was able to trust her again. We tried but I was always thinking "Is she cheating again?" and she was pissed because I couldn't seem to tust her. So to keep it realistic, Dale needs to come up with something really good, sometimes "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.

I'd like to see Dale, maybe with Dorcia's help, realize how bad he hurt Jarod and make some grand gesture, again maybe with Dorcia's help. Actually, and I know it doesn't fit the established story, I'd love to see the three of them get together. Barring that maybe a foursome with suzy and clara...kind of a beard with benifits LOL. Or something with Clara and Dale working together to try and make it up to Jarod and Suzy...maybe trying to get Jarod and Suzy together, sort of tit for tata, and Jarod getting even more pissed off

LOL, sorry this got a little long, it just seemed kinda too easy to me, Clara and Suzy I mean, or maybe I'm just not the forgiving kind LOL. You write what you feel is right, you've done a great job so far so ignore me if you want, I'll still be reading it. Just adding my two cents. Ok, off my soapbox, loved the chapter though. Oh and somebody needs to introduce these kids to a toilet lol

First, thanks for the review.

I loved writing the dream, though I did wonder if I had issues It seemed a good way to capture Jarred’s insecurities, because guys typically don’t express them well, if they express them at all. And yes, as I like to show rather than tell, I had to demonstrate his body reacting, that it did rattle him a bit. 

Susie/Clara likely did go a bit too fast, but I was focusing more on them teaching Jarred a thing or two. (That, and getting Jarred/Susie into that closet.) And Dale’s accounts are still suspended due to his grounding….

Well, glad you enjoyed it and your reviews help me appreciate the reader’s perspective.

- DP

 

 

[Desiderius Price]

FYI, yes, I’m a bit behind on my desired writing/posting schedule.  While chapters 9 and 10 are basically written, the next several chapters can’t be posted until they’re all nearly complete, so, yes, it will be a while until the next Dale’s Game update.

- DP

[Desiderius Price]

As an update, I think I’ve kicked my fallout habit (which was interfering with writing...), time will tell.

Dale’s Game, chapters 9-12, and most of 14 are basically finished.  Yes, I’m holding back on posting chapters, likely until I complete 19, because this section is very prone to deus ex, which I want to avoid, and so the details need to be consistent.   (And “19” is just an estimate as chapters can split off, what happened yesterday leaving 14 about a thousand words short of being done...)  Once this section of chapters is done, I expect to resume posting.

Cheers,
- DP

 

[Desiderius Price]

And I ran into a bit of a snag for the later chapters that requires me give some attention to the entire story of Dale’s Game.  As a result, I’m now going back, revising/editing all chapters, starting on chapter 1.  The main goal is to add a particular mechanic that I need for later chapters.  While I’m doing that, I’m adding details, doing minor fixes, etc.  This should, hopefully, be a rather fast thing, and done within several weeks, but then, the best laid plans of mice and men….

- DP

 

Edited June 3, 2017 by Desiderius Price

[Desiderius Price]

On 6/3/2017 at 8:52 PM, Desiderius Price said:

And I ran into a bit of a snag for the later chapters that requires me give some attention to the entire story of Dale’s Game.  As a result, I’m now going back, revising/editing all chapters, starting on chapter 1.  The main goal is to add a particular mechanic that I need for later chapters.  While I’m doing that, I’m adding details, doing minor fixes, etc.  This should, hopefully, be a rather fast thing, and done within several weeks, but then, the best laid plans of mice and men….

- DP

 

This round of revising has finished for Dale’s Game (chapters 1-8).  The major change, needed to better make the pieces of the story fit together, was I had to shift the story, in the SR universe, by a year, thus Dale, Jarred, et are a year older – this nearly got rid of that minor1 tag, except Dorcia’s still under 14.  Some more details, consistency, and things have been added.  I checked the before/after word count, and it’s up over 5kwords (with about 2k in chapter 2).  I need to finish revising/checking chapters 9-14, then I can get back to writing new material.

[Desiderius Price]

So, I just finished writing chapter 21, but the normal one week wait puts me into the middle of a road trip I’m taking, so its posting may be delayed until I return.

[Desiderius Price]

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From pippychick on September 26, 2017
Ok, so I don't know this story, but I kind of got the gist while reading the chapter. I thought the bath scene at the beginning was kind of cute, and I really enjoyed the whole running around naked annoying people thing. The ice cream sundae was good fun too.

This going to the moon business. Somehow, that feels somewhat sinister to me. Call me paranoid if you like. I'm not sure the answer is actually there.

But the description of the game was really good! And I'm assuming, because the story is "Dale's Game" that he's not actually, really, dead. Well, I hope not, because I was really starting to warm to these characters. That's not easy to do in a short space of time, like a chapter, especially since I'm not overly fond of the hints of scat and watersports. So, really well done.

Thank you for the review, hopefully you’ll enjoy the rest of the chapters when you read them.  I’ve enjoyed writing the characters too, most of the time, doesn’t really seem like I’m writing them, rather they’re experiencing their own lives.

[Desiderius Price]

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From pippychick on October 02, 2017
Chapter 27

I'd just got to know them, and now he's dead... no trip to the moon... not even any birthday cake...  *sighs*

You handled the grief well. Even where you weren't explicit, I did get a very bleak feeling coming through most of this chapter. Well done.

His parents are something else, aren't they?

And this world you've made, certainly not nice to be gay in. But I feel like these are the daring, and see where it gets them. It's a sad truth about our world as well. It's easy when those first daring so-and-so's have gone and done it, but it invariably ends badly for them, whether you're talking sexual equality, civil rights, or any other sphere where inequality exists.

I'm not sure if I should save the last chapter now until I've gone over the rest.

Half of chapter 26 was me stalling on the deed.  (I didn’t want to, but had to.)  And then there’s today, when I realized that chapter 28 was the best spot to end the story.  Chapters 29-30 now form the starting point for a sequel, so some of the loose ends from Dale’s Game will be wrapped up there.  (Not certain when I’ll start posting that, because there’s the little issue of the halloween story.)

And, thank you for the review.  It’s nice to know when it’s being read/enjoyed, makes my day

 

[Desiderius Price]

Review for “The Repair Guy”

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New review for The Repair Guy from Savvat

I love Alyssa's sense of duty--got to get that man on video for "posteriority's sake" Hahha! I loved it when I first read it and I loved it even more when I read it over. It's hilarious and informative Can't wait for the next chapter!

Definitely made for a fun write after finishing my Halloween story!

[Desiderius Price]

Review for “The Repair Guy”, chapter 4.

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New review for The Repair Guy from Savvat

Does he think she is playing with his emotions? She obviously likes him--I love that the preist had to turn the volume up to get the other church-goers attention. how big is this church? if its stone it surely would be echo-y ahah getting caught is hilarious

Think of it more like a deer in headlights, Konnor’s a bit dazed, and wants out of the situation ASAP.  From his perspective, he goes to do a repair job, only to get a girl dangling by his balls and she’s holding on tight.   

Church… I was picturing it along the lines of a bigger megachurch, it can’t be too big because its in the middle of Atlanta, near a college with an obvious transient population.    So, on this particular Sunday, it’d be closer to empty because of the college year being done.  I didn’t invest too much time, just a mental picture, no maps/charts/etc, because I don’t plan to revisit that particular building.

[Desiderius Price]

WIP are just that, WIP.  Slight tweak to repair guy, I just realized that Konnor’s parents are already dead as of this story, so several lines of already-posted dialogue in chapters 2/3 have been updated to reflect this.  Good thing I’ve got that database to keep track of this...shrugs.

 

[Desiderius Price]

Review for Dale’s Game

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From SesshomaruFreak on November 03, 2017

Very interesting! A bit hard to read in some places where sentence structure confused me, but I got the concept lol

So obviously, homosexuality and mastubation are targets in their game, but it seems like those are major no-no issues in their RL, too. Like super-strict. Eeeesh scary.

Quite an intriguing premise, Mr. Price.

Thank you for the reviews, reviews are gold

English/grammar were never my favorite subjects in school.  (No, it wasn’t “huk’d n fonix!”)  Rather than fussing too much over it, I go ahead and post, get feedback, which is way better than overdoing it.  (And even when I proof and revise, proof, and revise, it can get worse, not better)

I loved using games to portray some of the sentiment in the society, and it’ll be one of things I’ll miss when working on other stories.

 

[Desiderius Price]

Revision warning to Dolbourne Chronicles.  On/About Nov 5^th, I anticipate the removal of the first two episodes (Wedding/In-Utero) as this content has been expanded and iis being spun off into its own story, “The Repair Guy”

 

[Desiderius Price]

Quick update, some new episode ideas have come up while I was working on the revision of Jefferey.  Thus, an episode posting might take a little while.

[Desiderius Price]

A review, a review!   

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From Wilde_Guess on January 13, 2018

The story is well written--living hidden from a dictatorship, filtered through the rapidly less innocent and naive eyes of an eight year old boy.  Even through the eyes and ears of Jeffery, one can hear the jackboots marching up the drive.  It is a chilling yet compelling read.

Thank you for the review.   Strong elements of fascism and theocracy permeate most of my stories, and Jefferey is similar in that everybody feels justified in what they’re doing.

[Desiderius Price]

FYI, I”ve yanked episode five, Contempt as it needs to be revised due to some inconsistencies I was encountering in the next episode.

[Desiderius Price]

I had to flip the calendar and realized it’s nearly three months since the last Jefferey episode went up, so I figured an update would be good.  A particular game’s been getting a lot of my attention, partially because that’s how I am with a good game, I binge on it until I’ve had enough, and second as a distraction to keep me from dwelling too much on my cat (my mind’s *still* playing what-if). 

I have been chipping away at Jefferey since then and I upgraded my database, so that’s good.  Ep 11+12 are tentatively complete, however, these form a mini-arc of episodes, so I’m going to wait until all of these are done (or close enough), before I post them.  I’m starting to like these mini-arcs because it can let me get a bit deeper without having to overcommit to a mega plot.  After this set, I’ll probably jump forward a bit – this was intended to be a quick edit/revise pass    Currently, the old episode #5 is going to be more like #18 or something, and I’m eager to get Jeff to Portland.   I do plan to keep working on Jefferey until I get his timeline to that of Dolbourne Chronicles, at which point, I’ll likely switch focus.

Of course, Kent’s threatening to derail my plans, he’s demanding his own story, which I may entertain.

[Desiderius Price]

I just noticed I overlooked a review to my oneshot in the Chatbox Holiday Cheer 2016 (This was right after my cat passed, so I was definitely stressed).

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Loved this, it was so cute <3 The relationship between Dale and Jarred feels so organic. Loved the scene where Jarred cleans his room for him. I wanted to buy Dale aaall the packs of underwear but of course, he'd consider that charity. Honestly, I kinda wanted to see them get into each other's pants though

-KassX

Read Dale’s Game if you haven’t already   And thanks for the review.

[Desiderius Price]

A review, a review, I feel like dancing!    

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New review for Jefferey from swirlingdoubt

We have similar approaches where we focus on a more screenwriting style, direct and minimally descriptive with little exposition. You reveal the circumstances and setting through the action and dialogue, which I enjoy. However, I did find myself wishing for more reflective moments - to see Jeff's thoughts and feelings, so I could connect with him better and get a better sense of the environment he is growing up in. The idea of approaching sexuality from a naive perspective is clever. I don't much care for pissing, but dicks and tits everywhere is never a bad thing.

Your mention of the St. Louis arches at the beginning. It reminded me of Defiance and I wondered if that was intentional. I imagine you may be a fan of that show.

Also, Verna is my favorite. :]

Readers do have imaginations, so I don’t mind leveraging that a bit… and once the essentials of the scene are established, action and dialogue are more needed.  I’ve actually been adding the thoughts and feelings to Jeff, because I didn’t have them in there on the first pass.  I used to write this stuff trying to stay completely detached, but then discovered that I do like adding a bit of insight, though not too much as I still prefer to show, not state. 

I used the term “free range kids” which is essentially what the adults are doing here, so yeah, he gets to explore his sexuality in this context, jointly with Peggy and the others his own age.  (And, as’ll be evident in my writings, I have a thing for pissing; I try not to over-do it, but it’ll be there.) 

Nope to that show.  It was merely a good way to show Jeff moving along, a landmark along the way.  I do love the way I took him out of the house, getting naked for a bath and not getting dressed again for years

Verna has a bit of a backstory too, though I’m not going to explore that in detail.  I’m having to try to keep the plot bunnies down because Jefferey is already backstory to backstory to the main story.

Now it’s time to get to work…. wish I was wealthy enough to quit the day job, but I’m nowhere near there.

[Desiderius Price]

@InvidiaRed Moving the thread….

3 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:

I’m gonna have to try that main characters who are nudists.

It’s fun, though it’s very easy to suddenly find myself with a minor1 tag in an otherwise family friendly environment.  Guess I’m more of a closet wannabe nudist, so that’s why it comes out in my stories; heck, even my potter fanfics had nudity, and those protagonists being okay with (& enjoying) it.  Sure, I’ve done the research into nudist colony etiquette, typical rules for those types of places into today’s world, and they state “no-sexuality”, with consequences (how well they’re enforced can be a different matter), but I definitely don’t want to ignore that aspect of human behavior, because I don’t think it’s realistic to utterly suppress it, especially if you’ve got kids/teenagers around; I also try not to over saturate with it, either. 

With Jeff, as I’ve explored him going nudist, he’s had to weigh how society perceives nudity and sexuality; something that’s pretty much true today.   It’s a bit easier to force the introspection with males as they get an erection in a public setting, even in a clothed setting if it’s noticed; where it can be a point of bullying/teasing, teaching boys to be ashamed of it, to hide it, to pretend it doesn’t happen, to not play with it, and then wonder why boys have troubles later on expressing their feelings.  I gave Jeff the benefit of being able to explore this in a free-range environment, to occasionally swing to being sexual when he feels like it – there’re naked, after all.

And so with Jaimie, I deliberately had his parents see the camp, so when it comes to raising him, they decide to basically free-range him, using the cost of diapers as an excuse, with Daisy as his primary babysitter.  So, Jaimie, at his young age where I start his story, simply doesn’t comprehend the sexuality side, just wants to be the human that he is.  Thus, I introduce him (apart from the birth scene) going to his first day of kindergarten – which is why I could start that story with the word “penis”, focusing on the feature the teacher notices as he enters the classroom.  Jaimie, simply wanting to be naked at his innocent age, causes issues … like, he needs to be able to swim, so in trying to get him a swimming instructor leads to developing Jeff’s character, because i needed one willing to work with a naked child.

Risley, Ifor, and Grant were kinda forced to go naked, and they grew to like it.   Dale being bullied into being naked at the start; eventually bringing Jarred along.  Alyssia and Konnor, their own story.   I’m kinda sensing a pattern.  Of course, maybe I just like naked main characters….