Jump to content

Click Here!

Jaimie's Campfire (StarRebels)


Desiderius Price

Recommended Posts

This is the spot for discussing my fiction (StarRebels), whether it’s reviews, or anything else related. 

Oneshot Links

Story Links

(Note, the lack of WIP just means the story is more or less complete, it’s still liable to being edited/revised.)

 

Edited by Desiderius Price
New Links
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know that getting back story into a book without just word vomiting it out in a big chunk is hard and I like how you dole it out here and there.

Backstory is tough, to some degree, because it's also needed for the story. I rehashed the various approaches, rewriting quite a few times, in the end, these episodes were about the best way to do it. Even the next several episodes will get a tidbit of backstory, but less of it.

I was just wondering one thing though. There are areas where the words used seem a bit strange, they're used right but they sound weird like for example when you use 'she looked upon...' most people don't use that turn of phrase. Is it because that's how you want the story to read, it reminds me of 'bible language' for some reason and maybe that's your intent.

As I don't have a beta reader, it goes out "raw". Just word smith it until it sounds right, in most cases. So, that's more likely a subconscious thing. I do try to vary the wording around a bit, to avoid excessive repetition unless it's desired.

I'd kind of like more information on how the whole trip to the moon thing came about like why the government is still sending rocket and all that, maybe I missed it somewhere

That came to the backstory thing, how much to delve into. Several wars have occurred, between now and the S*R era, where the US is, by treaty, allowed to launch a fixed number of flights, from various vehicles, per month. (ie, one for the atlas) So, when the head of the US weather satellite program was caught, in a motel, with the project manager of the prime contractor (a gay affair, mind you, with a religiously conservative government), a review was done of the entire project, and it was determined that the program was behind schedule, very behind schedule. Now, the US could ask the Kremlin/Beijing for waivers, to reschedule the launches, but that'd indicate weakness--can't do that.

- DP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh my God could you just let someone have sex already!! Anymore of this teasing and I'm going to hunt you down and strangle you. Btw I think Joe and Jamie have the hots for each other.<br />

Unfortunately, a lot of sperm have been harmed in the production of this story. Most left out to dry. :(

Thanks for the review!

- DP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You'll have to excuse that review, I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and I tend to get mouthy even in written form.

But seriously are they gonna walk around naked for the rest of the book? And do you have a scat fetish because I think there's more poop in your first four chapters than in all of the other books I've read in my life put together.

When are you posting the next chapter?

CL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I appreciate every review, even drunkenly written.

Yes for the nudity (that was one of the original motivations given the PWP that had triggered this entire story).

Shelby likes to leave poop in offensive locations, but also I use it because it's generally considered offensive and disgusting by most people. I suppose it's good for character development, if they're being watched will pooping, what's going through their minds.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 months later...
Great story. One of my questions is what does the BR stand for in the date. Also didn't Fenton die in the stor earlier. And if he did how could he be in later chapters. The only thng that the negative raters do not understand is that it is mostly children or young people that are the ones that bring change to the world. Adults like to put them down and take credit for the changes.

And I have been around some people that have the same thinking of life. Pray and your god will heal you even when they know that the medical world could do it better.

I know tha tyou are rewritting the story. Will one of the parts involve them actually leaving the earth for the stars. Woould be nice to end the story that way and then pick it up with their exploring the stars.

Keep up the great story telling.

Thank you for the review. Reviews do help when I need the encouragement while writing.

BR/AR think BC/AD, because I don't want to pin down a specific year our current year, so it's BR for before republic, AR for after. (And I'm putting that in an authors note in the revision.)

Because the chapters were out-of-chronological-order was one of the motivators for splitting the story up into separate installments. So, Fenton will be alive (generally) in the first installment, focusing on their younger years. The third installment should cover the rest of their time on Earth (unless it gets too unwieldy and warrants a fourth one).

- DP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
For SR: Alaska
Hey, Thanks for the review. I appreciate them.

Enjoyed the last two chapters. Nice to see it being tied into the original story. Was nice that the boys came home and laughed about being declared dead. Thought that is was really neat that they want to hang up their death certificates on the stair well.
Keep up the great writing and will be looking forward to more chapters.
Really do not know why more readers are not reviewing.
Grr... the forum swallowed my first reply. Yeah, it's going to be tied in. The story started off as a tiny bit of "backstory" to a spot in the mainline, then it grew!
And, chapter 12 is written, not yet ready for posting, but written. (I wait a bit before posting -- I find I catch more on the proofreading by waiting.)
- DP
Edited by Desiderius Price
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 10 months later...

SR: Jefferey (episode #1)


Now what was he going to do his sister? Kari has some ideas LOL

Most likely, if I had written him that far, would've been a nice, brotherly, attitude correction :P (ie, a underwelming fists/hitting/screaming, until the sister apologized or, more likely, when the mother stopped it).

As always, thank you for the review, it had been so long, I was a deer dazed by the headlights when it came in.

- DP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SR: Jefferey (episode #1)

Most likely, if I had written him that far, would've been a nice, brotherly, attitude correction :P (ie, a underwelming fists/hitting/screaming, until the sister apologized or, more likely, when the mother stopped it).

As always, thank you for the review, it had been so long, I was a deer dazed by the headlights when it came in.

- DP

That was so not what I was picturing ;)

Ok that sounded bad :P I was just thinking since he had his squirt gun out...yeah that sounds worse so nevermind ;)

Edited by DirtyAngel
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Depending on how dirty I wanted to go, that certainly would work. But, given his mindset at the time, more along the lines of "get her back", it'd be fighting. That's how I envisioned it when writing it (which the point was to get him to the front door, as is, so his father could quickly grab him).

- DP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Moving this from the other thread... Suggestions>Fiction Archive>Star Rating system for stories

I like SR though. and that troll was just nuts, I didn't see anything wrong with the scene, I thought you pulled it off really well, was actually kind of sweet.
That troll was just nuts, some people just get completely unreasonable over the slightest things. He got kind of personal too didn't he? Just don't understand that crap, if you don't like it, don't read it.

Anyway I'm no good at trolling, while I don't mind hurting people I do have to have a reason :P


Without feedback, trolls are trolls, lets not pay them the toll? So, I'll consider your comment a review for SR: Alaska :)

At the time, I was a bit nervous writing it as it was my first [minor1]. Now, I'm a bit more comfortable if both characters are a fair ways into or after puberty. If they're younger than that, I'll think long and hard about any direct sexuality involving them. I've also expanded what I'll consider for the [minor1] tag, more of a CYA sort of thing, so having Jaimie being naked in SR: Dolbourne, even though it's innocence and non-sexual, I'll still tag it for the squeamish.

I'm glad you appreciated the shower scene :) Every review bolsters my sense of self worth :P

- DP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

I’ll be posting episode 15 later today, but then I’ll be taking a break for a little while as  the weekly posting schedule is burning me out.  I’m guessing it’ll be a few weeks, while I recharge, and work on the other aspects that have been neglected.   After I resume posting, I’ll likely relax to every-other-week posting, as I try to find a suitable balance between posting often and not-burning out.  I also suspect that CL needs a break too :)

Thought I’d keep my readers in the loop.

- DP

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grrr, so last night, I accidentally spilled my soda cup as I was playing Skyrim, and it doused my computer with the motherboard and video card taking the brunt of it :pissed:  I’m still pulling it apart to assess the scope of the damage (and order any replacement parts, as needed).  The good news is that before playing, I had copied the story directory onto my shared data drive (shared between Windows & Linux), and that drive is accessible to my backup travel laptop; therefore, the stories are safe with no data loss :) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites


New review for Dale's Game from DirtyAngel
OK, now the VR game with the bananna hammock is just seriously funny LOL. And I'm liking Dorcia...She has so gotta run away and live under Jarrod's bed :P
Got a little confused at the start, then it hit me, the Baby Shark game, forgot about that in the xmas story LOL
I like it and you so better hook Dorcia and Jarrod up, be so mad if she ends up with her goofball cousin, yeah I know you haven't introduced that character yet but he's a goofball, I can tell

Switching between VR and reality is a bit of a challenge, so I’m treating it like the holodeck on Star Trek, where it’s just presented as footage, not anything denoting the difference until the archway is called for, or the computer is instructed to do something. 

Can’t really comment further w/o spoiling things.  Thanks for the review!

- DP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OMG, worst date ever! I can honestly say I never had a date have explosive diarrhea, just so you know, thats pretty much on every girls turn off list, though there may be a few it works for LOL. Sssssoooooooo thinking Dale is in love with Jarrod cause he’s got a half naked girl playing with his junk and nothing, sit’s nest to Jarrod and we have lift off :P do I see some M/M in Dale’s future ;)

and just so you know the date got multiple ewww, and icks and one emphatic “What the hell is wrong with that boy?” <----Steve :rofl:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, DirtyAngel said:

OMG, worst date ever! I can honestly say I never had a date have explosive diarrhea, just so you know, thats pretty much on every girls turn off list, though there may be a few it works for LOL. Sssssoooooooo thinking Dale is in love with Jarrod cause he’s got a half naked girl playing with his junk and nothing, sit’s nest to Jarrod and we have lift off :P do I see some M/M in Dale’s future ;)

and just so you know the date got multiple ewww, and icks and one emphatic “What the hell is wrong with that boy?” <----Steve :rofl:

Quote

ok, Mario is gay, think Dale is too, but Jarrod is straight...sooo is everyone there sexually confused?

Oh and the date, all I could think the whole time was "OMG worst date ever" LOL I'm sorry if my date vomits when I try and kiss him, then has explosive diarea in front of me...well he's following his bodily excresions over the dide LOL

 

First, a thank you to Savvat for suggesting diarrhea for a bad date.  Second, an admonishment to Google for pushing cures when I was looking for triggers, though I do suspect “how do I cause diarrhea” is a less frequent query.   And, I’m glad I had the database, because as I was listing oysters as a favorite for Dale, I noticed that I had previously listed an allergy, so I knew I hit dynamite :rofl:

I was nearly dying while writing the date scene, because I couldn’t discuss it in the chatbox, spoilers and all.   It was fun to write, and challenging in that it couldn’t be deliberate on Dale’s part, I wanted him to be trying to do it right.  Maybe I should write in more bad dates to my stories….

Hadn’t considered Mario’s orientation, I was using him as a bully (like Morton/Lane, or Kex) to help the shower scene.  After all, locker rooms are specifically designed to help us get in touch with our sexuality, right? :)  

Anyways, thank you for the reviews, they’re gold to the aspiring author!

- DP

Edited by Desiderius Price
Quote messed up, swallowed the reply, fixing
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Little tidbit, Dale's Game was originally drafted to be my 2016 holiday story, starting with the shower scene in chapter two.  However, once I realized it was too much for a oneshot, I decided to make Dale's Game a full story, and moved back a bit in time, to make the holiday fic.  Overall, I’m happy I did this, because Dale's Game needed the space/pages that a oneshot couldn’t give it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote

New review for Dale's Game from ANON

Ewwwwwww, pee drinking right off the bat? LOL, Magus didn't see that coming LOL So is Dorcia gonna get in a little threesome with the boys...:D ?

I liked that he kept denying when Dorcia tried to get Dale off, though I did think he would have put up a bit more fight when Jarrod took over, especially the way being gay is frowned upon, but it worked so meh.

Thanks for the review Dirty Angel, and Magus, and Liz. 

I’m having fun with how the reality, VR, and dreams are melding together at times :P    All this, the holiday fic and this story, from a little note in Jarred’s file mentioning his boyfriend, Dale…  Gotta be careful picking over my database, it’s infested with plot bunnies!

Again, thanks for the review, they’re better than gold.

Edited by Desiderius Price
Why does it keep liking to push my comment into the quote?
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
Quote

New review for Dale's Game from DirtyAngel

LOL, poo basketball! icky, yeah that would so end the game for me too LOL

ok so a little confused, the girls in the library at the end were talking about Dale right?

ohhhh and theyre coming for Dale :o

Yep, pretty much the Lori/Dale date (with a mispronunciation :)  )   I threw in the Morris bit so that it was clear that Dale wasn’t the only one being gossiped about.  The girls chatting was a good way to get some ofthe rumors back to Dale, and I’m overall happy with that mechanism.  (After all, Dale, like most teenagers, cares about his social reputation.)

The basketball wasn’t in the original outline!  Funny how things occur to me as I’m writing….   Bit more about the embarrassment factor to Dale.  His classmates mostly aren’t his friends nor enemies, it’s kinda more of a reflection of his perceived social status, when it’s good, they’re nicer, when it’s bad, they’re meaner, and they will help if it’s in their own better interests.

Here’s a though I didn’t consider at the time, the basketball was very likely not cleaned when it went back to the storage rack….

BTW, thanks for the review.

- DP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, chapter 7 isn’t going hot, it’ll have to be rewritten, which means a week delay from the usual schedule.

Quote

New review for Dale's Game from DirtyAngel

OH CRAP! he cheated on Jarod, wow thats gonna get interesting. I know I'd be pissed if I was either Suzie or Jarod, they should have talked to them first and I know the reason you gave is that everyone has to believe it but I'm not sure I could forgive either of them for that. Kind of intested on how you handle the hurt feelings and you have to deal with it cause it would be so unrealistic for Jarod and Suzie to just go "Oh, ok we get it." and forgive them.

Oh and the I love you comment from Dale, Clara really didn't have a comment on it. Does she love him too or is she just confused about it all? She's going along with this kind of with out comment, seems a little weird unless she has feelings for Dale that she's just not dealing with. I hope you go more into her feelings about Dale and Suzie, or maybe they become a foursome kinda because if Dale needs to make it seem real with Clara shouldn't Jarod need to do the same with Suzie? Oh and seems like Dorcia has a crush on Dale as well LOL and it seemed like she has a crush on Jarod too...is there an orgy in their futures ;)

And one last thing I noticed is that Dale seems to be a lot more confident in the last two chapters, but especially in 6. I get that now that he's accepted being gay, or bi, he would be more comfortable with himself and that would help with his confidence but it kind of seems he and Jarod have sort of switched personalities. I guess that could also be a product of his really caring for Clara and his need to protect her, but it just seems to me that he's becoming really confident really fast, but then again like I said it could be that he really likes Clara, and is secretly bi, and it's all driven by his need to protect her.

First, thanks for the review, they help!

(Okay, there’s more behind the spoiler guard which will spoil a bit of chapters 5 & 6).

 

(If the spoiler tag doesn’t work, consider it a warning.)

For 5/6, the focus has been more on Dale than on Jarred, so that’s likely why it seems more switched, though they could’ve pulled a fast one on me too.

If I dare consider a rewrite/revision of Chapter 5/6, it’d be to increase the level of peer pressure onto Dale.  Dale’s a bit more conscious about that than Jarred is, perhaps because Dale’s been more of the preferred victim when it comes to rumors/bullies.  It was tough trying to show the level w/o drowning out the rest of the story, which is why I added in the girls in the library, to portray the general level of gossip.

Yep, definitely cheating, which will have ramifications :P

Glad you enjoyed it, I definitely enjoyed writing that chapter….oh, the times I’ve had to suppress the urge to talk about it in the ChatBox. 

- DP

 

Edited by Desiderius Price
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...