Cheating

[Guest WFK]

I was just pondering a few things, between the pages of the book I'm currently reading, I began to wonder...what is cheating? I admit I'm young, and thus, inherently niave, (or so my contemporaries have once said ), but I mean truly? To cheat on a person? I know the physical boundaires not to be crossed, but is there a mental-cheating? Is what we do here on the site cheating? Is fantasizing, cheating?

What's your opinion. I'd love to know.

Merely food for thought. Eat up. A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down.

[foeofthelance]

Actually, I think one can be physical with another person, and it still wouldn't qualify as cheating. To me, cheating is disrepespecting your partner's wishes. If you're partner doesn't want you to be physical with others, then yes it would be cheating. If they don't want you looking at others, then looking at others could be construed as cheating. Granted, this means that there can be some rather strict definitions for what cheating is in a relationship, but there can also be relationships with much more broad standards. In either case, if one finds themselves constricted, they can always vote with their feet and walk away.

[Leonhart29]

This happens to be a subject I am very intimate with. I myself have never cheated on the person I was with at the time, and by cheating I mean touching, kissing, screwing, just a bit of the dry hump and emotions being involved.

My ex-husband however did cheat on me. It's not just sex with another person, if it was just that I could have handled it - I wouldn't have liked it, and I sure as hell would have gotten out of the relationship as soon as I found out, but it wouldn't have devastated me to the point where I wouldn't let anyone into my life for 11 years because I was afraid someone would take me down that twisted ugly low self-esteem road again.

Cheating to me is taking what one person gives you, trust, love, their body, and even their lives in your hands and then fucking them over by having a relationship with someone else. By relationship I mean more than a one night stand, dating, seeing someone on a regular basis just to be with them, telling them you love them etc.

My ex had many relationships like that at the same time. He dated (at last count because they keep coming up to bite me in the ass) 4 strippers, 1 delivery driver (female), 1 judge who shall remain nameless so I don't get my butt thrown in jail (male), my cousin (female), and my best male friend who just so happened to be an exotic dancer at one of the local gay clubs.

The bisexual aspect has nothing to do with it. As far as I'm concerned most people have a bit of that in them to begin with. I see nothing wrong with it (and if you've read any of my works you'd know that). I see the cheating as the problem - not the sex of the people he chose to do it with.

I'm a bit more open than most when it comes to this as I can forgive a lot (and I did - many times to the point where I forgave him his first 3 before I got my head on my shoulders and realized that everything he was doing meant that he didn't love me - he loved controlling me)- although I never forget. Basically what I'm saying is this - if you are in a relationship and you find your fingers wandering, your affections going to someone other than your significant other you need to stop and take a long look at yourself in the mirror. Find out if this is something you really want to do. Can you handle losing everything you have for a fling - because if the answer is yes get the hell out of the relationship before you do anything about it. Get out before you hurt that person more than can be healed.

[EveKnight75]

If we're going to go by the most general standards, then having sexual fantasies about other characters or people is not cheating on your partner.

It's true that each couple sets different boundaries. It's also true that everyone has sexual fantasies whether or not they're in a relationship. For example, if you drool over a celebrity, in most cases your partner wouldn't really mind, because any rational person would be able to see it's just a fantasy and that nothing will happen.

Reading adult fiction shouldn't count as cheating. If your partner knows about it and is uncomfortable with it, then maybe you should reconsider it, but only if the same standard is set the other way around. Even then, if your partner has serious issues with you simply reading erotic literature, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship, because there are serious issues present there.

[madlodger]

Cheating? Hmmm... Gets out the madlodger's Rule Book

Rule 13: It's impossible to cheat if a person is not in the mutually exclusive relationship (which was agreed and vowed for by both partners).

Clause A: If a person IS in the mutually exclusive relationship and the sex life ceased for six months due to lack of interest in each other, then exclusivity is automatically dissolved.

[Guest Alien Pirate Pixagi]

Clause A: If a person IS in the mutually exclusive relationship and the sex life ceased for six months due to lack of interest in each other, then exclusivity is automatically dissolved.

I LIKE that clause!

Since everyone seems to have what cheating is down pat, how about the worse form of cheating? To me, it would be emotional cheating. Not only does it hurt the other person in the relationship the most, but it also can be the most innocent as well. All one has to do is meet someone and find they connect really well with that person. Then, they realize that they connect better with that person then with their significant other. They stat to fall in love with that person and the only options before them are to leave their S/O, or stop spending time with that person. Both are hard decisions. You don't want to hurt you're S/O, but don't want to loose this connection either.

And for the part of the S/O, if they really love the other person, they'd MAKE them go. If nothing else, it'd be because they don't want to trap that person in an unhappy relationship.

Really, the physical is only physical, and, well, being married/in a serious relationship doesn't make one dead. This doesn't make physical cheating okay, it's just not as bad as the emotional kind. Indeed, in many cases, it can be down right malicious.

[Guest Big Samurai]

I think the Mad Lodger summed it up succinctly enough, but I remind myself of how not to cheat with a simple phrase: "Eyes can wander, hands can't." And if the eyes do wander, the significant other is permitted to issue a bop on the shoulder or a quick "Eyes front!" notice. It's fair play.

[DarkCabaret]

Cheating in my opinion is both something emotional AND physical. I had dated a guy for ONE YEAR and he decided pretty much on the one year mark to get one of my former best friends pregnant. He claimed there was nothing but sex but it still hurt to know the guy I was in love with could go out and just fuck anyone while I was being faithful. Then I found out a couple months after that, he had been cheating on me since we had been together for six months.

[Leonhart29]

Cheating in any form can hurt. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's the truth. If you find yourself wanting to take that path be a man or a woman and end it with your partner - or sit them down and talk to them before you do it. Your partner may surprise you, but I doubt it.

For me, and this is just speaking from personal experience, the fact that my ex cheated on me made me feel like less of a woman. It was as if I couldn't give him what he wanted and he went and got what he wanted. I felt like less of a person - and he rubbed it in. It's malicious to say the least.

[StoryJunkie]

the answer is "yes".

If you've cheated in your mind, you HAVE cheated.

I have MUCH to answer for.

The first betrayal happens in the mind. There is no doubt about it. "Well, he's not there for me, therefore, I'm not there for him." (or vice versa)

Yes, it is a dangerous road we traverse, for it is far from noble. As soon as one can blame another for their transgression, responsibility is relinquished. Standards that we held dear are suddenly as flat as the carpet upon which you wipe your muddy shoes...

And btw, what book was it that you were reading WFK?

[Guest Big Samurai]

If you've cheated in your mind, you HAVE cheated.

See, that's why I prefer not to use that rule, since it makes me look like a bastard so gigantic that my bastardry can be seen from outer space. I think that fantasizing in the comfort of one's own mind is an acceptable outlet.

My reasoning is that a female significant other wouldn't get any peace if she was the subject of every last bit of male sexual energy.

[dazzledfirestar]

See, that's why I prefer not to use that rule, since it makes me look like a bastard so gigantic that my bastardry can be seen from outer space.  I think that fantasizing in the comfort of one's own mind is an acceptable outlet.

My reasoning is that a female significant other wouldn't get any peace if she was the subject of every last bit of male sexual energy.

I agree with Sam. I'd never leave the bedroom if I didn't get some of this stuff out in other ways! That was supposed to sound like a bad thing...

Anyway, as someone who has cheated (not on my husband, but way back when I was young and stupid) and who has been cheated on, it's just not acceptable in an exclusive relationship. Trust is one of those things that you need in a good relationship and if you are cheating (I'm speaking in the physical ways and in my mind, anything from making-out up is cheating) you're breachinig that trust, and that doesn't feel good from either side (for most people anyway).

Besides, cheating isn't worth all the extra work! You've got to remember all the bullshit you had to come up with about where you were while you were banging someone else, and while you're with that someone else, you have to make sure you don't get caught. It's exhausting really. And there's the emotional exhaustion too, mountains of guilt (if you have a conscience) and the effort of two relationships, one of which (at least) you are always on the verge of loosing.

Why anyone would put themselves and someone they profess to love through all that, I'll never understand. Luckily in my case, the guy I was cheating on was cheating on me, so we both got out in fairly good shape when the shit hit the fan... but I tell you, never again!

[prairiefire]

Cheating to me, when you are in a committed relationship would violating your partner's trust and reasonable wishes, in regards to other people.

[macrosschick]

I just can't wrap my mind around cheating. I don't understand the motivations. If you want multiple partners, then state that when you first start dating someone. Why be greedy and play the part of an exclusive boyfriend or girlfriend when there are plenty of people out there who have no problem being non-exclusive?

Or, just break up with the person. Sure a relationship gets comfortable and becomes difficult to break off, but I'd have a hell of a lot more respect for someone who said to me, "I don't love you anymore and I want to see other people," instead of someone who cheated on me. It'd hurt at the time, but in the long run, I'd be much happier.

And no matter what anyone says, someone who cheats on you does not love you.

[Guest Monsterking]

I despise people who cheat on thier girlfriends and think they all should shrivel up and die same goes for girls cheating on thier boyfriends

sorry if i am blunt about this but it has happened to me before and i dont want to happen to anyone else

Peace out and may the furs be with you

[Guest Zyx]

God, I've probably said some different things about this in the past... But I feel like I can try again.

I think you can cheat even if you're not in a mutually exclusive relationship, though there's not much romance in saying "so were mutually exclusive?" either way. I also think you can cheat on someone who's not even interested in you, as long as you're interested in her. So it's something based on love rather than an actual relationship/agreement.

In a perfect world I'd probably say nothing is cheating as long as everyone's happy. But you can never be sure what would make someone happy and taking into account that asking them might ruin a nice surprise you can never even have a clue. Conclusion: live sucks. So we'll play it safe and go with the things everyone wants: Safety, excitement etc... So cheating is doing something that would/might hurt the other's feelings.

Now, you want eachother to be happy so being unhappy is going to make the other person unhappy. This means you need to take care of yourself. And assuming your not an ass, you'll feel guilty for even thinking about something that would hurt the other's feelings. So even thinking about it is cheating. But if the girl doesn't like you, as mentioned earlier. you can still cheat on her. So this would negate the point of her being sad if you're feeling guilty. You wouldn't even be feeling guilty in the first place. Feel guilty because the thought of the other person is holy and assume she's be sad for you either way because all people are nice >_> If no one makes this assumption it's not going to happen either...

Definition: Thinking of doing or doing something to hurt the feelings of the person you like.