Things Every Man Needs To Do Before He Dies

[taker]

Own a Wookie

Han Solo was the coolest guy in the Star Wars universe. Why? Because Darth Vader didn’t have a Wookie. Chewbacca could make Toby McGuire look like a real man. Alternatively; buy a big, mangy, hairy dog and dress him up with an ammo strap and blaster gun.

Save a hot chick from certain death

Every man needs a story like this to tell his grandkids. Of course, by the time they hear it the girl you pushed out of the way of that bus will have her breast size raised by at least two cups and two dirty bombs will be added to the mix, but lying to your offspring is just something men have been doing for centuries. As always, utility belts and capes are completely optional.

Destroy something beautiful

You don’t have to beat a blond guy within an inch of his life to accomplish this one. Rip a small tree out of the ground, pee on a flowerbed, hell, it doesn’t matter, just fuck something up. If you have never done this, simply pick a random piece of your girlfriend’s collection of pink things, break it quietly, hide it well, and then walk away a man.

Wake up not knowing where you are

When you wake up with no idea where in the hell you are or how you got there, you know last night must have kicked serious ass. Who gives a fuck if you lost your wallet and have “Balls” written across your forehead, it is a right of passage for Christ sakes. No man has ever been cool without at least one story involving a massive amount of liquor and 6 to 12 hours of lost time.

Kill your own dinner

Not with a gun, with your bare hands. It doesn’t need to be a full grown bear, hell, strangle a fucking bunny if you have to, just get it done.

Give a sexually frustrated woman multiple orgasms

There are more of these women out there than anyone would like to believe. This is because most guys that girls want to sleep with (i.e. cock munchers who drive $50,000 cars and spend all their time in gyms) do not know how to please a woman. Guys like us do, because we aren’t chumps, we’re fucking pirate ninjas. Pirates don’t go to the gym, we earn our muscles fighting at sea.

Try to fix something; totally break it in the process

Just because it is what we do best, and we do it well. Talking out of our asses I mean, not fixing stuff. A man just isn’t a man unless he screws the hell out of some piece of equipment beyond repair at least once in his life. For added effect, add a little grunt after the smoke settles, Toolman style.

Create fire from sticks

I don’t mean matches. I’m talking two twigs in the middle of the woods during a snowstorm with a woman screaming in your ear about how cold she is. Real men are made under pressure and there is no more stressful a scenario than the one I just described. Triumphing in such a situation means you have not only proven your primitive manhood, but you have also earned the right to sleep with said woman more than any other man she has been with before.

Outdrink your buddies

If you must spike beer with whiskey and cheat, do so. There is no better feeling in this world than to be the last man standing, staring down at your passed out friends through shit faced, glossed over eyes in triumph while talking mad shit and peeing in the nearest houseplant.

Get rocked by an older woman

I don’t mean grandma old, 35-40 should suffice. Until this happens to you, you do not really know anything about sex, no matter what you think. Do this while you are still young and it will prepare you for the rest of the sexual experiences in your entire life. The next drunk sorority chick you shag rotten will scream like a Japanese schoolgirl at a Yanni concert.

Beat up a movie star

Punch him right in his fucking face. I have caught your trail, you little bitch. You can only run for so long. Soon, Tom, soon…

http://www.shoutwire.com/comments/30509/Th..._Before_He_Dies

Count me for 1, 3, 4, 6, 9. Come boys, anyone else?

[redsliver]

All I have left to do is beat up a Movie star.

[Nanaea]

So, you own a Wookie?

[Leonhart29]

He might at that.

[redsliver]

I've taken the liberty to interpret owning a wookie as not shaving in a specific area.

[Iggy_lovechild]

Oh my! According to that list I shall never be a real man.

*emos*

I guess I'll just have to settle with being complicated and gender neutral.

[Guest echtrae]

I haven't punched the movie star, but that's mainly because I've never met one. Rest I've certainly done, based upon interpretations.

[taker]

Leonhart: A shaggy dog is perfectly suitable replacement. I too have a big ol' mangy shaggy dog that I too dress up like a Wookie once in a while.

Redsliver: that would be not be a wookie, unless you put said hair on a dog to make it hairy. Which you should do for kicks.

Iggy: I'll never save a woman from death, Kill my own dinner or Beat up a movie star. I'll still try though. One of these days I will find that piece of crap Johnny Depp and make him pay for "Secret Window" or Tom Cruise. I cannot wait until I get on TV so I can bash Sciencetology worst than South Park did. Only reason I wouldn't kill my own dinner is because it'll be hard to beat a cow to death with you bare hands. Otherwise I don't eat rabbit.

[StoryJunkie]

Wow! I want in that guys pants NOW! He can keep his soul. He writes with organizational skills that melt my panties.

[Mourningstar]

I've always known that I was never cut out to be a girly girl, but reading that list and realizing that there are only two things I haven't done (some feats accomplished with a certain freedom of interpretation) makes me feel highly amused.

Perhaps I'll make a fine husband for someone one day, provided that they aren't all that finicky about actual genders.