Why do women stay with cheating assholes?

[BoredStraight]

Ok so I was talking to my best friend recently, I've known her since middle school, and she told me how she had just discovered her fiance had a profile up on some trashy sex hook up website. The profile, she said, had apparently been up for almost a year. During that time she had been pregnant and gave birth to their only child. AND the profile had a picture of his dick on it. Now, my friend is not some spineless lump of a woman, she's strong and independant. She always said if any guy cheated on her she would leave them. BUT all she did was give back his ring and say their not engaged anymore, their still a couple and still living together. I understand she loves him and they have a child together, believe me I've taken a lot of shit from guys myself so I can't judge her. I just don't understand why women (myself included until recently) stay in these shitty relationships???? Maybe you guys can help me out here and explain this?

[Shadowknight12]

This could spawn pages and pages of arguments. There's a ton of reasons for this behaviour, and it all boils down to the woman. If she has a kid and she's not capable of supporting them on her own (even with alimony), it stands to reason she'll grit her teeth and pretend everything's fine. Furthermore, even if she CAN manage on her own, she might be against divorce/separation, not wanting the child to grow up being bounced back and forth from house to house (this is especially true of women who had this type of childhood themselves).

Or perhaps she believes she can 'rear the guy back in' as it were. Maybe she's just soft-hearted and can't let him go. Maybe she's invested too much in the relationship to stop now. Maybe the guy knows her far too well and knows exactly what to say, how to manipulate her into remaining by his side. Or she's just stunned and confused, trying to gather her thoughts (she might want to think this through very carefully, since she's got the kid to think of). Maybe she blames herself, thinking she's driven him away (pregnant women are a haywire of hormones, even after the delivery, so it's possible she was awful to him... or that's how she sees it now). Maybe she knows full well she's done something equally awful to him and thinks she deserves this (perhaps she cheated and never told you. If she's such a staunch hater of cheaters and she did that herself... it stands to reason she wouldn't want anybody finding out. Not even you). Maybe she doesn't actually love him, he's simply useful to her for whatever goals she has in life, and him cheating doesn't actually jeopardize them. Maybe it's simply sex (she doesn't want to tie her life to his anymore... but she still wants booty call rights).

Maybe (and this is what I'd do) she's pretending to be forgiving, only to plot a soul-crushing revenge of such proportions, he'll think twice before cheating on anyone ever again.

Truth be told, the possibilities are endless. All we can do is speculate.

[Asexual Biped]

It could also be an unconcious desire to 'fix' the man in question. Kind of like when women get with the 'bad boy' and feel that they can make the useless hunk of manflesh into a useful member of society. There are a lot of women that use this as an excuse to stay with men that have been horrible to them. (Not saying that this is the reason for your friend's decision)

[DemonGoddess]

I think it's a combination of factors, ranging from what SK mentioned, to what AB mentioned. Personally, having been in bad relationships before, I never actually was willing to try and "fix" the jackass. I'd just get on with my life WITHOUT the problem person, and was much happier for it.

[ApolloImperium]

All very valid arguements! Us women do crazy rationalization stuff when it comes to men... Personally, I'd say that I don't understand it, but I did waffle for about a month and a half with an old ex who cheated on me. We broke up, I took him back, we broke up, I took him back but after the month and a half, I did finally end it totally. Sometimes you just need time to come to the realization that its not healthy.

[BoredStraight]

All very valid arguements! Us women do crazy rationalization stuff when it comes to men... Personally, I'd say that I don't understand it, but I did waffle for about a month and a half with an old ex who cheated on me. We broke up, I took him back, we broke up, I took him back but after the month and a half, I did finally end it totally. Sometimes you just need time to come to the realization that its not healthy.

I think this is what their going to end up doing, I know her daughter plays a big part (as she should) in my friend's debate with herself about what to do about this. But another part I think is denial. She still believes her fiance (boyfriend, whatever) didn't actually meet any of these women from the website, which to me is really ridiculous because why would someone be on a sex website, with a picture of their penis on it, for over a year, and NOT actually have sex with anyone. I think she believe's him when he says he didn't because its less painful and she wants to believe it. But that makes it harder later on when the truth is going to come out, it almost always does, and she won't be able to be in denial anymore. As it is now, she tells me they haven't slept together nearly as much as they used to and he's sleeping on the couch half the time. But punishing someone isn't going to take back what they did, or earn your trust back, which is the major issue in all this. ANYWAY thanks for all your input, you all had some very good insight!

[Shadowknight12]

I think this is what their going to end up doing, I know her daughter plays a big part (as she should) in my friend's debate with herself about what to do about this. But another part I think is denial. She still believes her fiance (boyfriend, whatever) didn't actually meet any of these women from the website, which to me is really ridiculous because why would someone be on a sex website, with a picture of their penis on it, for over a year, and NOT actually have sex with anyone. I think she believe's him when he says he didn't because its less painful and she wants to believe it. But that makes it harder later on when the truth is going to come out, it almost always does, and she won't be able to be in denial anymore. As it is now, she tells me they haven't slept together nearly as much as they used to and he's sleeping on the couch half the time. But punishing someone isn't going to take back what they did, or earn your trust back, which is the major issue in all this. ANYWAY thanks for all your input, you all had some very good insight!

Technically, it is possible that he hasn't actually slept with any of them. Call it cowardice, unwillingness to take the last step, lingering remorse, whatever, it doesn't matter. Maybe the guy never went through with it, maybe (and this is specially true when there's an overemotional, hormonal pregnant woman in the man's life) he simply wanted the flirting, the admiration, the ego stroking. Maybe he wanted to feel desired and/or subconsciously get back at her for making his life hard.

Chances are you're right, he did sleep with them. However, I want to shed light on the other side of the issue. Just like women have many reasons to stick around with cheating assholes, there's a lot of reasons why a guy might actually not cheat, even if all signs point to yes. Ego is very important to men. A man who needs an ego boost might seem like he's cheating, when in fact he's merely collecting conquests. He doesn't need to go through with them and sleep with them, it's enough for him to know that he's still wanted, that he's still top dog.

The truth, of course, is that we'll never know for sure.

[BoredStraight]

Technically, it is possible that he hasn't actually slept with any of them. Call it cowardice, unwillingness to take the last step, lingering remorse, whatever, it doesn't matter. Maybe the guy never went through with it, maybe (and this is specially true when there's an overemotional, hormonal pregnant woman in the man's life) he simply wanted the flirting, the admiration, the ego stroking. Maybe he wanted to feel desired and/or subconsciously get back at her for making his life hard.

Chances are you're right, he did sleep with them. However, I want to shed light on the other side of the issue. Just like women have many reasons to stick around with cheating assholes, there's a lot of reasons why a guy might actually not cheat, even if all signs point to yes. Ego is very important to men. A man who needs an ego boost might seem like he's cheating, when in fact he's merely collecting conquests. He doesn't need to go through with them and sleep with them, it's enough for him to know that he's still wanted, that he's still top dog.

The truth, of course, is that we'll never know for sure.

Very valid point, its good to see both sides of the issue, and it's hard for me because I'm obviously on her side. BUT its a little hard for me to believe that he never met with any girls even though he had that profile for a year, maybe if it was only for a few months, but a year???

[Shadowknight12]

Very valid point, its good to see both sides of the issue, and it's hard for me because I'm obviously on her side. BUT its a little hard for me to believe that he never met with any girls even though he had that profile for a year, maybe if it was only for a few months, but a year???

Eh. It could have been his ego boosting area. Whenever the girlfriend starts yelling at him for no reason, crying and complaining, he goes there, flirts for a while, gets told what a sexy cock he has, and he can go to sleep happy after scoring a small revenge on his tormentor. This can go on for well over a year without him doing anything else.

[kisakimiko]

I guess one needs to define cheating. Some view the internet and its users as a giant interactive dildo. It is entirely possible he never physically cheated. Cyber proly. But physical, I bet not. And i sure don't know if I would want my bf off in cyberboink land anyhow, to me that is cheating. Sticky wicket here for sure. He is the father of her child. She is wise I think not to marry him. She may be biding her time until she can be comfortable on her own as well.

This is a lil different than finding out your husband has been sleeping with your bff for a year irl. That kind of thing I have seen ppl forgive (both the bff and spouse - no rly not kidding...) and I sure as FUCK don't understand that. SK brings up a good point, perhaps the cheated on spouse has done something to think they deserve it. Hard to believe but possible.

Kisa