Shadow Knight's Literary Snark Thread

[Shadowknight12]

Hello and welcome to my humble abode. I am Shadow Knight, also known as SK and 'that guy over there.' Please, have a seat and help yourself to whatever strikes your fancy, including leaving any comments to my forthcoming book reviews. Speaking of which, that's the purpose of this thread, in case you've failed to deduce that on your own accord. I have so much stuff to read, mainly series that have been recommended to me, that I figured out I might as well make my thoughts public. Most of the time, I stumble across something that not only fails to capture my interest but annoys me a great deal. The by-product of such event is snark. Lots and lots of vitriolic snark. Which in most cases end up being a lot more fun, to me, than the reading itself. If you enjoy that kind of humour, read on! If not, I would advise you turn back now, before it's too late...

FIRST BOOK: INK EXCHANGE, BY MELISSA MARR.

Apparently, the story is about a paranormal romance set in Huntsdale, where three of the four Courts of Faerie reside. Apparently the King of the Summer Court is looking for his Queen, who was taken the form of a normal girl. This should make you frown right from the start. This is the Wikipedia page for the series.

Prologue: Bland and rather uninteresting, full of clichés and ominous characters. Ooh, spooky! A poorly explained evil is rising and this random girl is... part of a vague plot. I have never seen THAT before!¹ I can tell already that you aren't a particularly gifted author, Mrs. Marr. Your only saving grace? You present the convincing illusion that your heroine might have a strong personality, rather than the AFGNCAAP² protagonists normally plaguing novels.

Veredict: Barely passable. Keeping a vomit bag in hand.

Chapter One: Let's start with the only thing you got right, my mentally-challenged author: tiny details about everyday life in a broken home. Hiding food, struggling with the bills, yaddayadda. Don't say I don't give credit where it is due. Now, let us move on to dissect what you did oh so very wrong: EVERYTHING ELSE. You did a reasonably believable attempt at representing a broken home, hovering between dysfunctional and 'please, someone call social services NOW!,' but then you fucked that up like there was no tomorrow. Your attempt at portraying the mental state of someone in that kind of situation not only fails utterly and in every single way, it also reveals quite transparently your sheltered, WASPy background. A girl that (apparently) GETS RAPED BY HER STONER BROTHER'S FRIENDS would never act the way you describe. What you describe is an upper-middle class suburban girl who thinks about hot boys and getting herself a tattoo because her head is vacuous. A struggling teenager from a broken home is, in no way, that ridiculously vapid, no matter how much she whines about wanting to maintain the illusion of normalcy.

Also, you fall into the typical trap of making potential romantic characters (or what's worse, the 'magical race' of the novel) absolutely gorgeous. That is clichéd and fucking annoying. Ten lashes for you, you shallow imbecile. As an aside, your intolerable shallowness is further exposed when we examine the heroine's reason for getting a tattoo. It's implied in the title of the book and the prologue that this is rather important. One would expect this to be given more thought by the heroine, I would expect an entire fucking chapter of waxing poetically about body art and its significance, its meaning, its implications, about her thoughts, desires, fears, emotions. YOU GIVE ME NONE OF THAT. Bitch. I get, at best, a vague desire to express herself, then a lazily explained internet search about tattoos and their history that just 'resonates with her.' Yeah, right. You aren't fooling anyone, Mrs. Marr. I can tell you just find tattoos 'cool' or 'hot' and like the imagery. The amount of effort you put into disguising this is so small it borders on the insulting.

As an aside to any writer reading this, to avoid making the same mistakes she made, do try to avoid presenting anyone (much less a whole race of Marty Stus in a paper-thin disguise) as objectively beautiful. It's fine if you're in the protagonist's PoV and you state stuff like 'she felt inexplicably attracted to him' or 'she found him extremely handsome' or 'there was something about him that she couldn't quite place, something that stirred dark desires within her' or something like that. That is biased. It explains that the character is beautiful to the protagonist. There's nothing readers (especially old snarky fuckers like me) hate more than being told what to think/feel. We enjoy making our own judgements about the characters, thank you very much. No, you do not get to argue with me about characters being 'objectively beautiful' because there is no such thing. We all have different standards for beauty and it is simply bad writing to force yours upon me. So you find a certain kind of fashion/looks/scene hot. Good for you. Now have a little courtesy to the reader and assume that applies only to your protagonist, no matter how 'universal' you think it is.

Also, avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid AVOID the old 'oh my life is so awful! If only some hot person would rescue me...!" personality, because it annoys the ever-loving fuck out of me. I am reminded of all the passive people stuck in awful situation that refuse to lift a finger to help themselves, instead waiting for a shining knight (AHEM!) to swoop down and save them. Yeah, right. Dream on, kid. Dream on.

Veredict: Dear Mrs. Marr: You fail. You eat failure for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Please do me a personal favour and set yourself on fire. I will not progress further into the book nor the rest of your series³. Thank you.

SECOND BOOK: WICKED LOVELY, BY MELISSA MARR.

Dear Shadow Knight: YOU STUPID FUCK, CHECK THE ORDER OF THE BOOKS BEFORE STARTING A SERIES. Twenty lashes for you. Yours sincerely, COMMON FUCKING SENSE.

Prologue: *groans* GIVE ME BACK THE FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE I SPENT READING THAT ATROCITY! I facepalmed so hard I almost knocked myself unconscious. Holy shit lady, you sure know how to start a book! There are so many things wrong about your plot that I simply have no clue where to start! Firstly, your AFGNCAAP decoy protagonist is an idiot. She is warned that she might spend eternity cursed, doomed to actively fight against those who might actually free her from that curse, and she chooses to go ahead because 'she's in love with that boy'? I get it, Mrs. Marr, you were deeply in love when you were young, and you were fucked and then tossed aside like a used toy, but dear heavens, woman! Leave your personal history aside! We don't want to read about retarded people doing retarded things just so that you have a cheap way to make the real protagonist's plight even more dramatic later on. We, the readers, are NEVER convinced when a random extra gets offed at the beginning, just to prove how dangerous the plot device is. Or do you think we have all failed Genre Savvy 101, like you? For shame, woman. For shame.

Veredict: I am stopping here. No more torture for me. Mrs. Marr, eat glass shards and choke on your own blood.

COMING UP NEXT: SOMETHING THAT HOPEFULLY WON'T MAKE MY BRAIN BLEED. STAY TUNED.

¹: For more details on this overused, unrealistic plot, see Changeling Fantasy.

²: Ageless-Faceless-Gender-Neutral-Culturally-Ambiguous-Adventure-Person. Many writers do try to give their main characters a personality, though. Most of the time, however, they just give them a gender and call it a day. In which case we end up with a Ageless-Faceless-Stereotypically-Gendered-Culturally-Ambiguous-Adventure-Person. But the acronym is nowhere nearly as catchy.

³: Retarded, retarded me, confusing the first book of the series with the second. NOW I HAVE TO ENDURE MORE TORTURE.

[Shadowknight12]

THIRD BOOK: GUILTY PLEASURES, BY LAURELL K. HAMILTON.

All right, here I go. Took the necessary precautions, which are mainly 'steel myself' and 'make sure you start with the first book.' I'm told the first few aren't so bad. Ugh, what am I getting myself into...?

Summary: Read the wikipedia page, you lazy bastard.

Chapter One: All right, Mrs. Hamilton, let's get this shit rolling up in this bitch. Word. You are... decent with details, if a bit on the shallow side (I see a lot more emphasis placed in form rather than substance), but I suppose I shouldn't protest too much. Moving on... so you raise the dead. Intriguing. Despite this being a first-person narration, freely ejaculating exposition about the nature of the universe you live in¹, I don't see you contemplating the ethics regarding the reanimation of the deceased. I do verily hope you explore this in future chapters. Allow me to say, Mrs. Hamilton, that you FAIL at pacing exposition correctly. I am shaking my head at you in disappointment. The details you're spewing out, meant to tease and intrigue the reader, merely leave him² confused and full of questions. Choosing other, more relevant aspects to showcase in the first chapter would have been advisable. Also, apparently your main character is the best at what she does, EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT WHAT SHE DOES AT ALL. Lovely. Way to start the saga. You cockface.

Hm. Okay. I'll admit that there's a mildly interesting interplay between vampire strengths and weaknesses. But then you fucking RUIN it by making your main character 'better than human.' I'm rolling my eyes now.

Interesting, silver harms vampires. Hm.

Veredict: Meh. Boring.

Chapter Two: ... when somebody says 'I got off work at six!' I don't assume six AM in the morning. Nor do I assume that they went immediately to sleep afterwards. Mrs. Hamilton, you're awful at creating convincing characters with their own personalities. You may be good at little details, but those can only get you that far. Not to mention your plot is rather trite (oh no, hate crimes! The protagonist is the only one who can do something about it!) and now it seems that not even your extras have personalities. And Anita herself is mind-numbingly boring.

Also, I'm picking up grammar mistakes. On a published book. What the fuck, woman?

Veredict: BORING. BORING. GOOD LORD SOMEONE KILL ME NOW³.

Chapter Three: Oh, so the established idiot in the last chapter disagrees with the main character's views. Lovely. I can see the onset of Mary Sue tendencies.

Ugh, for the love of all that is holy, Mrs. Hamilton. Stop trying to imitate noir style. You aren't good at it. You fail. You hear me, dear author? YOU FAIL. Anita doesn't sound witty or badass. She sounds like she's a noir film addict who shot up some heroine and now thinks she's the star of her own movie. Which would be nice as a parody, of course, but you actually expect us to take this broad seriously. You should be ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Hamilton.

At least you're halfway decent with sarcasm⁴. Hmph, all right, you have me agreeing with Anita in one thing, because apparently she's familiar with the basis of logic⁵. And then she goes to what sounds like a vampire nightclub. When there are vampire killers on the loose. /facepalm. You'll be missing your gun before the night's over, dollface.

Blah blah vampires, STILL NOT EXPLAINING A DAMN THING ABOUT THEM, blah blah, /headdesk @ your typical femboy vampire in lace being called masculine⁶, just realized I'm on page 10/197⁷, noticed a cheap Buffy The Vampire Slayer rip off (cross-shaped burn mark in the femboy's chest), wishing for a quick death...

WAIT. WAIT. CHEMISTRY OBJECTION TIME!

If you sleep and shower with a silver cross, it'll tarnish and mar your oh so precious pale skin for good. You're thinking of gold here. DIFFERENT METALS.

Also, I like it how apparently the cross thing works based on the power of faith and I know beforehand Anita turns into a slut. I have absolutely no hopes that you, Mrs. Hamilton, will handle this in an interesting way. I'm pretty sure that at some point, you experienced a mid-life crisis, started thinking men were nothing but evil, lying, good-only-for-sex bastards, and tossed your Catholic schoolgirl teachings to the bin. And Anita, being your blatant self-insertion, followed suit. Way to go, Mrs. Hamilton. Way to go.

Oh lovely. A vampire strip club. Ugh. For the love of all...

Veredict: If I drank, I'd need a stiff one right about now. I think this is all I can stomach for the moment. I'll continue after a break...

COMING NEXT: MORE FUCKING PAIN.

¹: And we, the readers, are those to whom the infamous bukkake fetish is applied to, in this gruesome simile.

²: That is, me.

³: Preferably quickly. Like a scalpel to the carotid.

⁴: In a decent book, this would have me smiling. Here, it's barely a breath of fresh air when you're ROASTING IN HELL.

⁵: Mainly the fact that danger and alcohol don't mix. An oft overlooked fact that thankfully leads to the death of people too dumb to realize this simple truth.

⁶: Remember what I said in the first book about 'forcing your sexual tastes down the reader's throat'? Yeah. It's that all over again. Hell, I could've hit that myself, but now you ruined it because you basically forced my vision of the character through Anita's eyes. POOR WRITING, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

⁷: KILL ME NOW! KILL ME IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS MERCIFUL IN THIS WORLD!

[Shadowknight12]

THIRD BOOK: GUILTY PLEASURES, BY LAURELL K. HAMILTON.

I continue through this orgy of pain and snark. HOPEFULLY SOMEONE IS READING THIS.

Chapter Four: Spelling mistakes. This is just amazing.

Well, fine. You get SOME bonus points for not hiding the ugly truth about vampire bites. You aren't afraid to talk about scars, so you get a tiny bit of grudging respect from me. BUT YOU BETTER NOT BE TURNED ON BY SCARS¹.

And then a strip tease. If your sex scenes are going to be like this, lady, we'll have a problem². This isn't hot at all.

...

Okay, fine, I get it now. It wasn't supposed to be hot at all. It was supposed to be very disturbing, and once again, tiny grudging bit of respect because you manage a half-decent reaction from the reader³.

And then you went and fucked it all up with your (AND I FUCKING QUOTE, HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT!): "The vampire was tall with high cheekbones, model-perfect, sculpted. He was too masculine to be beautiful, and too perfect to be real."⁴ Ugh. I want to retch. Also, I can tell that you dislike body hair, Mrs. Hamilton. I will keep that in mind⁵.

Creepy vampire feeding scene⁶. If done with intent to disturb: Decent. If done with intent to arouse: FUCK YOU. You fail, and it shows.

The banter with the femboy is flat and makes me shake my head. Noir again, Mrs. Hamilton? The action scenes were kind of all right, so maybe this awful series isn't completely doomed.

Veredict: I will be charitable, assume it was done with the intent to disturb and actually leave a chapter on a positive note. Ah, self-delusion, what would I do without you?

Chapter Five: Anita was 'looking for clues'? What the fuck are you writing, Mrs. Hamilton? A children's book? Firstly, we speak of such things as 'evidence' and secondly, giving us a rough idea of what the fucking fuck could you possibly look for? In case your addled little brain forgot⁷, you haven't told us practically anything about Anita's world other than 'vampires exist' and 'Anita can raise the dead.'

"He was six-eight and built like a wrestler." I sense your vagina quivering from this far, Mrs. Hamilton. Thank you for shattering my Willing Suspension of Disbelief so that you can get a quick orgasm. Always nice to see where your priorities are at.

EXPOSITION. YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. AT LAST THE AUTHOR DEIGNS TO EXPLAIN HOW HER MOTHERFUCKING WORLD WORKS. Took you merely 19 bloody pages of asinine nothingness, you cunt. Aaaaand then you start fucking with realism. "Whole cemeteries emptied, every one of them a ghoul"? Yeah, right. Do a little research before writing, Mrs. Hamilton. Your readers will appreciate it.

And we close with our Mary Sue being wanted by the entire squad of men she works with. Sigh.

Veredict: Too little, too late. It gets the hose.

Chapter Six: More inane banter between Mary Sue and femboy, one that finally, finally begins to skirt morality issues. And then it gets dropped. Bitch. Yes, yes, Anita, we get it, your cross is your woobie blanket.

"This couldn't be happening. No one was that beautiful."⁴

Anita, Anita, Anita, Anita, we're all obsessed with Anita. Wait. I have a friend called Anita. Oh no. Now I'll think of this literary monstrosity whenever I see her. Fuck. Fucking fuckers fuck. Ah, crap, why didn't I realize this sooner? Shit.

Dear stupid protagonist: You're in a vampire strip club, in a vampire district, surrounded by powerful vampires (by your own admission), AND YOU PLAY ALONG INSTEAD OF GETTING THE FUCK OUT? If you had a shred of a plausible reason to stay (one of your friends is a blood addict, the other one has just been forever bespelled by a vampire hypnotist, they're both doomed BY YOUR OWN ADMISSION), I would have understood. But no, you had to pick up the Idiot Ball. You stupid bitch.

And then you get your just desserts, almost getting eaten by the fucking vampire you chose to go after FOR NO REASON AT ALL. In a horror movie, that was the moment where everybody is saying "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!" and now we're all facepalming because you almost became vamp food. And also, for someone who was apparently hyper badass (called The Executioner, even!), you sure fight like a frightened schoolgirl with a letter opener. If Anita had been a normal human, that scene would have actually rocked, because it would have meant that she stood against overwhelming odds and prevailed by the skin of her teeth, and came out shaken. But you, my retarded writer, ruined it by giving her a rep and mysterious reanimator powers.

Veredict: Too stupid for words.

Chapter Seven: Yes, femboy, she doubts your word. You're a sociopath who has just manipulated her into doing your dirty business and got her friend mentally enslaved to a powerful vampire. If you are genuinely surprised, then perhaps you may wish to remove the dildo from your ass, I do believe it's reaching into your fucking brain.

Vampire posture play, not fooling anyone, both are probably die-hard bottoms, blah blah blah, ominous Russian master vampire, mhm, revealing a plot twist we saw a MILE AWAY, Les Yay moment⁸... and we're done? Whew.

Veredict: Someone get me the Count from Sesame Street, please, we need more realistic vampires up in this bitch...

COMING NEXT: TAKE A WILD GUESS, BITCH.

¹: Because I'll know. And then you get the lash. You kinky bitch.

²: Mainly, that I'll have absolutely nothing to look forward to in this series.

³: Bitch, you better not be turned on by this weird kinky shit...

⁴: TWILIGHT FLASHBACK TWILIGHT FLASHBACK TWILIGHT FLASHBACK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

⁵: Displease me and I will harass you with pornography involving VERY hairy men. Hopefully that will turn you away from slash.

⁶: You get points for originality there, I'll give you that.

⁷: Huffing glue will do that to your brain.

⁸: Nice threat, though. A bit forced, but oh well.

[ApolloImperium]

LOL - It can't be a twilight flashback... this was written 1st!

[Shadowknight12]

LOL - It can't be a twilight flashback... this was written 1st!

LMAO, nonono, I meant *I* got a Twilight flashback. It was a trigger.

[Shadowknight12]

THIRD BOOK: GUILTY PLEASURES, BY LAURELL K. HAMILTON.

Twenty-nine measly pages? Out of 197? I don't think I'm going to make it...

Chapter Eight: Ugh, Aubrey is such a prissy little bitch. Maybe his last boyfriend dumped him because he was such a drama queen. At least femboy manages to put Mary Sue in her place. Taunting the PMSing bitch who almost killed you is what we call in the academic circles, 'a fucking dumb idea' Anita. Also, when the femboy tells you he hasn't fed, plus he's been ordered not to, YOU WORRY. And you don't believe it when he 'swears' things to you. IT'S A FUCKING LIE.

Also, a midnight sky is black, not dark blue. I don't know what kind of shit you're snorting, but it's damaging your writing, Mrs. Hamilton. Ugh, your attempts at sexual tension are so clumsy, you sound like a teenager. Having to kiss because the police might pull you over? Seriously? Whatever happened to holding hands and giggling like an idiot? Surely you can do that, at the very least. But no, you have to set up the romance between Mary Sue and femboy and this kiss is, once again, brought to you by the letter I¹. Also, the slap slap kiss mechanic you have going on is so poorly executed I have read better written fan fiction.

"A sound that you could feel with your hands." Do tell me, dear writer, what exactly do you mean by this nonsense? I understand synaesthesia is a well-used stylistic resource, but usually it is done in a logical way. This hints at the ravings of a drug addict.

Oh lovely, Mary Sue comes with an inbuilt power meter².

And then she gets smacked around. Yes, I enjoyed it, I'll admit it.

Veredict: Anita being slapped around saved this chapter.

Chapter Nine: I foresee that I will say this many, many times, Mrs. Hamilton, but voices are not solid objects. They are not sheets. If you fancy yourself a synaesthetic person, do try to make some bloody sense.

Oh, no. Oh nononono, I don't like where this is going. Mary Sue is on the first step towards becoming femboy's slave? Ugh, talk about the plot forcing a romance between two obviously incompatible characters...^{3; 4}

Anita, bitch, you're thick. They're practically spelling it out for you, and you still 'don't understand.' Fine, you just got smacked around, but still. Pay some attention! It's not like they're, oh I dunno, TELLING YOU THAT YOUR LIFE HAS TAKEN A COMPLETE TURN. Also, your lesbian tendencies are showing, Mrs. Hamilton, when you describe femboy in such luscious, effeminate details. And great, cramming romance into the book with no logical basing. Femboy, little darling, weren't you just being bitchy at her for being a vampire hunter? And now you suddenly like her? Are you on your period, honey?

Veredict: Everyone in this universe behaves like a PMSing woman or has absolutely no personality to speak of.

Chapter Ten: Wererats out of nowhere! Now this is what we call, in the business, an "ASS PULL."³ Nice try at corny one-liners, Mrs. Hamilton, but I thought I told you to stop smoking old noir films. Charred cellulose is bad for your lungs.

Oh, rape implications. Exactly what we needed. Wererats, summoned out of thin air, coming to rape the heroine for no apparent reason.³ Also, way to establish them as bad guys with the whole 'eating a rat' and 'rapetastic intentions.'

Ah, so they're sent by the mysterious Russian vampire. This explains... absolutely nothing. Why keep her waiting if she was so important? Also, way to go on the 'small penis rapist' thing. As if we hadn't seen THAT before.⁵ And well, at least you defended yourself. There's that.

Oooh, I actually like your descriptions of the rat fights. FINALLY SOMETHING INTERESTING. God. Hm, obviously your taunt worked, Anita. It's called 'Plot Armor' and you're wearing it. You can get messed up, but you can't die. A rat swarm? Death. Killing/injuring the leader? Tough fight, but winnable.

And good lord woman, stop it with the witty bullshit. You are not witty. Deal with it!

"Apparently I was being rescued, not that I had need of it." --> May I remind you that you spent the entire chapter calling femboy's name? That you made a joke about wishing to be rescued by vamps? If this was supposed to be sarcastic, your delivery needs work, woman.

Ugh. So Nikolaos is a sadist. Way to get someone to do your dirty work for you. By making them your enemy in the process. How is it that you made it this far, again?

And enough with the witless repartee!

Veredict: Anita's getting her hand bitten was the only highlight of this chapter. That is a very, very sad thing.

Chapter Eleven: "Brownish ivory." Inventing colours now, are we, Mrs. Hamilton? And ugh, you have a fetish for exaggerating beauty. I swear, some authors simply MUST write about an entire race of beautiful being that beautify people simply by being around them.⁶

Spare me the jokes. For the love of all that is holy, SPARE ME THE JOKES. *twitches* You're not funny, Mary Sue. You're just grating on the reader's nerves. And your bravado would be far, far better if you stopped trying to taunt and mock people who can kill you, Mary Sue. Not because they will kill you (you have Plot Armor, remember?) but because we, the readers, know that you're just abusing your protagonist status. Be a good girl and stop antagonising the villains, or we'll start rooting for them.

And just as planned, the mindrape scene was satisfying because it got our dumbass protagonist what she deserved.

Veredict: Don't dish it if you can't take it.

Chapter Twelve: Listen to me, little protagonist. Snark to a villain while helpless gets you pain. Save it to use it when they can't hurt you back. Bitch.

The zombie is interesting, I suppose. The ramifications, however, won't be fully explored⁷ and that disappoints me.

Also, Mary Sue, for someone who's apparently used to dealing with all sorts of dark people, criminals, vampires, lycanthropes, ghouls and whatever else you're not telling us, you're surely ridiculously naïve. Did you seriously think nobody was going to raise the dead for information? Especially after torture? You silly girl.

Hm, I admit I did enjoy the rest of the chapter.

...

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Oh, right, it was an action scene, something finally interesting. Hm.

Veredict: Maybe there's still hope for this wretched series.

Chapter Thirteen: I will patiently wait for the author's trip to finish so that she can explain what the fuck is going on. If this acid trip isn't properly explained soon, I'll be fucking pissed.

Biceps bigger than your waist, six-three, not enough fat to great a cake pan: It doesn't matter if it's hyperbole, you shattered once again my Willing Suspension of Disbelief with your insatiable vagina, Mrs. Hamilton. I'm astonished Anita doesn't follow your example and gives herself a good old 'Southern Salute' like the kind you surely gave yourself while writing the scene... Good god I thought the slavish description had stopped with that one paragraph. But no, apparently you liked this guy. Probably got yourself off more than once thinking about this one. And hoo boy, more than that, too, because Anita, injured more times than I honestly care to remember, bleeding and IN PAIN, stops to ask how much does he benchpress. Classy. And then more wit is exchanged. I think you watch far too many cheap movies, Mrs. Hamilton.

Veredict: Dear author, I'd tell you that you need to get laid, but since I know the future of this series, I'm quite confident there's not enough cock in the world to satisfy you.

COMING NEXT: MORE SNARK AFTER A MUCH NEEDED BREAK.

¹: OF IDIOT.

²: Why yes, she's over 9000. In kilofails, of course.

³: This is, in case it's not immediately fucking obvious, VERY BAD WRITING.

⁴: Also, Anita, he's fucking gay. He takes it up the ass. HE WEARS LACE! IN PUBLIC! AND IT'S NOT A COSTUME! Girl, you just don't have what it takes to satisfy him.

⁵: If the rape is displayed in a negative tone, the guy is ugly, evil and small-dicked. If the rape is supposed to be erotic (why???) the guy is brutish and has an enormous dong. FACT.

⁶: The question is, of course, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP BUYING THIS CRAP?!

⁷: Because you're an awful author and your brain is too full of cock to realize it.

[Shadowknight12]

THIRD BOOK: GUILTY PLEASURES, BY LAURELL K. HAMILTON.

Fifty-seven... pages... must... fight... the urge... to slit... wrists...

Chapter Fourteen: Boring, boring, OOH FLASHBACK IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHAPTER FOR NO REASON AT ALL! QUICK GUYS, LET'S STROLL DOWN MEMORY LANE WITH MARY SUE!

Oooh spooky threats, badass showdown promise. Allow me to roll my eyes at how fake it all is. You're awful at setting the mood, Mrs. Hamilton. Stick to fisting yourself and leave writing to professionals.

"I don't hate vampires. I kill them because it's my job. I also have no personality and simply do what the author tells me to. Please kill her before she turns me into a sex-crazed slut. Oh, wait..."

"It can't just be a job, Anita. There's got to be a better reason than that." "I'm afraid of them. It's a very natural human trait to destroy what frightens us." "Most people spend their lives running from the things they fear. You run after them. That's crazy." "I know, but SHE makes me do it. I don't know why she makes me do all these stupid, crazy things. It's not HER the one that gets beaten to a bloody pulp for it! Right now, she's making me have this inner monologue that makes no sense! She wants to make me sound badass but she just makes me sound like I have no reasons for what I do!" "You poor thing, she can't even come up with a good excuse for the things she puts you through..."

Veredict: Anita herself, paraphrased here, says it all.

Chapter Fifteen: You wax poetically about how it feels to take a beating, but you can't be bothered to explain why you do the things you do? Oh, Anita, you fucked up bitch.

And someone's been in your apartment. Isn't your life just lovely? Maybe it would stop sucking so hard if you started taking shit seriously. "Crouched down, I was a lot shorter than chest-high." NO, REALLY?! YOU MUST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME! GET OUTTA HERE!

So we're introduced to a new character, Edward. That name sounds vaguely familiar. I'll call him 'asshat' because I instantly dislike him. The whole 'he had no conscience, he was the perfect killer' thing might have had something to do with it. If he ends up being the werewolf Anita bangs after femboy, I'll be seriously, seriously pissed. Because he's also psychopathic (surprise surprise, Mrs. Hamilton, I do believe I've identified your type) and look at that, he's just threatened to torture Anita until she gave him the information he wants. What a wholesome, stand-up guy. I love him already¹.

Mary Sue, dear, the crucifix can't be a cool metal against your skin, since one of the fundamental properties of any metal is the ability to conduct heat. So unless you took it off (which you've stated many, many times you absolutely never do), it actually can't feel cool.

And you sleep with a stuffed penguin if someone tries to kill you. I actually think that this, right there, was the most realistic aspect of the character in the entire book, thus far. I'm pretty sure it won't be mentioned ever again.

Veredict: Edward must die.

Chapter Sixteen: "I could taste my heart in my throat." More synaesthesia, with the utter lack of logic that characterizes you. We all know this is a dream and you fucking SUCK at dream imagery. This is why you research this sort of thing instead of simply writing a scene that looks cool in your head.

And we see the best friend at last. I read a scene in one of the books where she gets flanderized into a jealous bitch. Poor Ronnie, we hardly knew ye.

Ugh stupid banter witless banter make it go away...

And it ends, at last. Poorly.

Veredict: Someone kill me before I do it myself.

COMING NEXT: IT'S THE BOOK THAT DOESN'T END. IT GOES ON AND ON, MY FRIENDS.

¹: And by this, I actually mean 'I hope he dies from papercuts on his dick.'

[Shadowknight12]

THIRD BOOK: GUILTY PLEASURES, BY LAURELL K. HAMILTON.

*checks number of pages left*

Suddenly, I feel like breaking into a song... "Oooh, oooh, halfway there, oooh, oooh, living on a prayer! Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear..."

Chapter Seventeen: 'No woman can find anything in her purse in under twelve minutes. It's a rule.' REALLY, MARY SUE? BECAUSE I THOUGHT A BIG-ASS GUN WOULD BE PRETTY HARD TO MISS. Also, we didn't need to know your weight or how much you can benchpress. I try to rebuild my Willing Suspension of Disbelief and you keep shattering it! Is that any way to treat a reader? For shame! Gun talk, fashion talk, I suppose I should be grateful for the attention to detail...

...

Species names? What the fuck? What the fucking fuck, fuckwad? ARE WE ON A BIOLOGY COURSE AND I MISSED IT? HOLY SHIT!

HOLD THE FUCKING HORSES! HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING STALLIONS! Is that what I think it is? Are we, perhaps, experiencing, at last, SOME VALID CONCERN OVER MORAL ISSUES?! You must be fucking kidding me! At last some shred of attention shone towards philosophy, ethics, the laws of the universe... and not about big-dicked body-builders¹. And just as it comes, it goes. And we're back to six-four, broad shoulders and college-athlete-figured men. Sigh. Too good to last.

Ah, slimeball boss. Classic. Truly, people in Anita's universe come in three flavours: Psychopath, whiny bitch and vapid idiot. Sometimes (as it is Anita's case), a rather poorly-bred combination of all three. Slimeball boss is clearly standing firmly in 'sociopath' territory. But then, I suddenly have a shred of respect for him. Because Anita says he's not nice and doesn't give a fuck, and it goes against the grain of society. Good, because society in Anita's universe SUCKS. And then he takes a shit on ethics, skids off sociopath into full-blown psychopath and we're left with vague disgust. Lovely, Mary Sue. Lovely².

Badass confrontation that ends in laughter? Yeah, that's definitely not a shared psycho moment...

Veredict: Idly wondering if Mrs. Hamilton over there will ever introduce a likeable character.

Chapter Eighteen: Ugh, slimeball coworker. Your universe SUCKS, Mrs. Hamilton. And then we're apparently told that he sees vampires as 'fanged people' which Mary Sue disagrees with. Interesting, how she eventually switches from killing vampires to fucking them silly. Must be all that 'change' politics have promised us.

And we see Philip again. I think I'll call him blood junkie. And now we're treated to dry, forced flirting with him, which fails because Anita has the innate allure of a dead cactus and blood junkie couldn't flirt his way out of being gang-raped.

Also, I honestly can't tell if you're halfway decent or abnormally lousy at male psychology. Because that last part just confused me.

Veredict: I can only wish you had been more attractive, Mrs. Hamilton, so that you had spent your life sucking cocks instead of writing garbage.

Chapter Nineteen: Awww, Mary Sue hurt blood junkie's feelings, boo hoo hoo. I do hope you fucking keep your end of the bargain and give us a nice, logical explanation for why blood junkie does what he does. You're rather awful at justifying your characters' actions, you atrocious author. "Nothing is more appealing than a handsome man who is uncertain of himself." Have you ever met a handsome man who is uncertain of himself, Mrs. Hamilton? Thought so.

Ugh, now you have blood junkie tagging along. "She's a wisecracking empty shell, he's addicted to being bitten like a steak! They fight crime look for clues!

Veredict: Starting to lose the will to live.

Chapter Twenty: Things finally, finally start to get interesting. In Chapter 20. Jesus.

Not much to snark about here that hasn't been covered earlier. Blood junkie actually sees the reality of his situation, even if Fridge Logic hits you and makes you wonder why would vampires shack up with poor, malnourished people.

Veredict: Recovering my will to live...

Chapter Twenty-One: Hm, so things start to make sense. Freak parties, awkward personal conversations, mhm. You know what I think of you, Mrs. Hamilton? I think that you used to be a very naïve and innocent person who was exposed to the 'dark side' of the world and just couldn't quite get over it. Your emphasis on innocent people being misled by dark forces reveals that aspect of your psyche quite plainly.

Fridge Logic moment: If this ex-cop vamp is so pissed at being a vamp, why doesn't he kill himself? Pussy.

Ooh, more politics, that was interesting. Thankfully it didn't end with musings on the male anatomy.

Veredict: At least it's something worth reading at last.

Chapter Twenty-Two: Ugh, Mrs. Hamilton, stop it with the men. Just stop it. You're turning me exclusively straight here. Or not even that, if women like you are anywhere nearly as common as your book sales suggest...

Eh, I suppose the interaction is filling, if fake-tasting. Kind of like margarine. I hate margarine.

Ah, finally we see in-depth vamp/blood junkie psychology... only fucked up because they just HAD to connect Anita's nemesis with her new helper. Real smooth, Mrs. Hamilton. Real smooth.

How did Ronnie know where to call, at this exact time? Anita could have been anywhere! *shakes head* You really are lazy, Mrs. Hamilton...

Oooh, foreshadowing. Ten bucks says it's Edward behind the attacks.

Anyway, nice convo, a little exposition behind Anita's life (at last! Some background!), I guess I shan't complain too loudly.

Veredict: Passable.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Scarf around her neck in the kind of hot weather Mary Sue has been describing for the entirety of the book? You bet your sorry ass she's hiding bite marks.

Ah, more unrealistic unreality from Mrs. Hamilton. Are we seriously expected to believe that Mary Sue stays in such a great shape despite the junk food she eats, merely because she jogs and goes vampire hunting? Yeah, right.

Yes, Edward the intruder. Remember him? He threatened to torture you, you stupid bitch.

All right, woman. Listen up: You have to face a superior foe, right? Someone you can't hope to take on a fair fight? You fight dirty. You use traps. You aim for his balls with rusty barbed wire and napalm. Sigh. Or you just play the victim for cheap drama and hope that us readers will remain self-deluded about the true reason you'll eventually win: Plot Armor.

Yeah, I love how you tell us all about panty hose and nail polish, make up and other useless things, but your brain isn't thinking about setting up traps for Mr. Asshat. Your priorities are amazing, woman.

And we're back to thinking about Edward and not doing a damn thing about him. Cute.

Veredict: Less fetishizing outfits, more Saw movies thinking.

Chapter Twenty-Four: Honey, when a man wears leather and a fishnet shirt, especially when you yourself realise he's gone from flirt to hustler, you doubt his sexuality. Simple as that.

As an aside, psychiatrists do not feel sorry for the poor unfortunate. That's once again your painful naïveté shining through, Mrs. Hamilton.

UGH. UGH. UGH. No, no. No. Wrong. Mrs. Hamilton, you're just fucking wrong. "It can lead to awkwardness, to sex, or to fear, depending on the man and the situation." You know what? I'm just not going to bother. There are so many layers of fail and wrong there that I will simply slam my head into the wall on my right and move on.

There.

Blargh awful porny sex talk. Spare me oh lord, spare me this madness! Spare me this cheap fake noir flirting. You can't find this poorly-written shit on a fanfic, Mrs. Hamilton. Twelve-year-olds write better stuff than you.

hskjhsfdk sltn ytioj kopoyutoy kjopfkjpfghfghfgjky ryukkgfnmil dfsjgiojd n,okhpo gs³.

Now, the whole 'nursing home next to a cemetery' definitely brought a smile to my face. Like a shot of whiskey after that revolting mushiness.

Blood junkie fails at coming off at sexy. He comes off as a little slut with a fucked up sanity and a woobie story to justify it. Also, I don't buy the straight talk. The only gaydar he's not pinging is yours, Mrs. Hamilton.

Oh, good, Mary Sue doesn't buy it either. At least she's not as retarded as I thought.

Forced poem, bad attempt at drama.

Veredict: I need some fucking coffee.

COMING NEXT: FUCKING SHIT, WHEN WILL IT END?!

¹: Have you ever seen a body-builder's dick, Mrs. Hamilton? I doubt it. If the steroids didn't shrivel it already, most of the time it looks tiny due to having been originally proportioned to a much smaller body.

²: I'm picking up, apparently, something about 'secrets' and 'darkest dreams.' I can only hope this isn't foreshadowing the 'Vampire Humper' thing.

³: Translation: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Bad writing! Bad writing! Mushy mushy disgusting feelings ew ew ew ew ew ew!

[Asexual Biped]

Two things:

1. It really DOES take women an average of eight minuted to find anything in their purse/bag. Just saying. ^^

2. Edward was actually one of the cooler characters. He's a total psycho, but still cool. And she never screws him. :]

[Shadowknight12]

Two things:

1. It really DOES take women an average of eight minuted to find anything in their purse/bag. Just saying. ^^

2. Edward was actually one of the cooler characters. He's a total psycho, but still cool. And she never screws him. :]

1. What the fuck are you women carrying in your purses if a fucking GUN is hard to find??? BRICKS?! And it's not an easily misplaced Derringer, it's an actual handgun, a 'Hi-Power' one, even! How the holy bejeezus do you struggle to find THAT?.

2. We may have... different definitions of 'cool.' At least you gave me one of the best news of this entire thread. So thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

[Asexual Biped]

1. What the fuck are you women carrying in your purses if a fucking GUN is hard to find??? BRICKS?! And it's not an easily misplaced Derringer, it's an actual handgun, a 'Hi-Power' one, even! How the holy bejeezus do you struggle to find THAT?.

2. We may have... different definitions of 'cool.' At least you gave me one of the best news of this entire thread. So thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

1. Trust me, you don;t want to know. ^^

2. You're quite welcome. :3

[Shadowknight12]

Asexual Biped: ...I'm so taking your word for it.

THIRD BOOK: GUILTY PLEASURES, BY LAURELL K. HAMILTON.

Back, with coffee. Hopefully this sweet nectar of life will see me through this shit unscathed.

Chapter Twenty-Five: Sigh. Bracing myself for oversexualized characters...

Ah, at least something you do NOT disappoint me in, Mrs. Hamilton¹.

ANITA? YOU'RE GIVING OUT YOUR REAL NAME?! You're supposed to be undercover, you stupid bitch! You're glad you're not recognized on sight! Ugh, you lazy, lazy fucking bitch. You'll get fucking beaten and you'll deserve it for being such an imbecilic cunt.

Ah, your first taste of bisexuality, Mary Sue. Enjoy it. Savour it. Revel in it! Because by this point, the readers are cheering for HER.

Aaaaaand more flak against hairy chests. Interesting. Awfully revealing, too.

Huh, way to blow your cover, Anita. Just what the hell are you doing? You act like a fucking amateur. Have you every heard of lying, faking, acting? Any of this ring a bell? Or is the author fucking your personality for forced drama again? I did enjoy the catfight, though. Mainly because it's come to the point where all the characters are seriously awful and the only enjoyment I derive by this point is when any of them (protagonist included) get physical or verbal violence thrown their way.

And blood junkie gets molested by an overweight nympho. Just what I needed: more nightmare fuel.

Dear Mrs. Hamilton: We get it, you fist yourself to the thought of a young hot man who acts cocky and flirty but is in fact sensitive and deeply troubled on the inside. We have a trope for that, it's called Troubled But Cute². I grow swiftly tired of your shameless wanking. Unless this is somehow relevant to the plot, it's so unnecessary, it's beginning to make my eyes bleed. I honestly expect more from a published book.

Oh, asshat. Poor predictable asshat. Paraphrasing a famous Egyptian author, may death come to you in swift wings.

... Anita. You stupid cunt. EDWARD IS THE ONE BEHIND THE MURDERS! Ugh. If I could reach into your world and fucking slap you... I wouldn't, because I might catch something.

... and you fucking like him? After he's promised you to fucking torture you for information? And you just admitted that if he gets cocky, goes after Creepy Vampire Child and gets himself killed, she's likely coming for you next? Are fucking stupid? Yes, yes you are. You are so retarded you... oh wait. Asshole appeal. Right, right. It slipped my mind for a moment. It doesn't matter how asshat acts, because the author likes him. He might have a Freudian excuse or another, and he's cute. /facepalm. I pray to the Eldritch Abominations behind the stars that we never meet, Mrs. Hamilton. Ever.

Ugh, and then you try to justify it and fail. Poor Mary Sue, I'm starting to pity you, having to struggle to justify what this shitty author makes you do and feel.

Yes, he's better at lying and roleplaying than you, BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. Do you hear that sound, Mrs. Hamilton? That's the sound of my brain making a run for the border. You bitch.

Veredict: Sadface.

Chapter Twenty-Six: Mhm, junkie psychology, I'll sort of admit it doesn't completely suck.

And then a sex attempt? What the fuck, Mrs. Hamilton? Did your dildo slipped out or something? Or are you playing the 'oh he's just using sex to avoid the subject' card, which allow me to tell you, makes people look pretty slutty. Oh, wait, they're being watched, right, right. You're surely using that excuse a lot in this book, Mrs. Hamilton. Wishing your life was that exciting? Or just used to forcing yourself on pretty men under flimsy pretences? I'm sure there's a twelve-year-old boy crying somewhere after you molested him, Mrs. Hamilton. Way to go.

Ah, interesting, someone finally touching on the whole "bites = VERY EASILY INFECTED" thing that gets universally ignored everywhere. Yes, the mouth is an orgy of bacteria. Getting bitten often leads to stuff like meningitis, endocarditis, sepsis, septicaemia, septic shock, et cetera³.

"You look like an ad for Rent A Gigolo." No, you mean he looks like someone ready to go cruising through gay bars. Big difference. Ugh, Mrs. Hamilton, what is it with you and gay men? Is this some sort of revenge fantasy for having been rejected so often? Some wish-fulfilment "I AM QUEEN OF ALL MEN, AND THEY ALL LUST AFTER ME, AND ONLY AFTER ONE ANOTHER IF IT AROUSES ME!" ? Because, let me break it to you, that's not how the world works⁴.

"From now I would remain the tough-as-nails vampire slayer, not to be distracted by rippling muscles or nice eyes." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *deep breath* AAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH *deep breath* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA *pants* AHAHAHAH *pants* AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Yes, yes he would. Because he's a fucking bottom who likes it rough. We've fucking seen it on stage. He was one cock up his ass short of moaning for more like a little bitch. Still not getting through to you? Fine. Have it your way.

Veredict: The gay/bi male community needs a collective restraining order against Mrs. Hamilton. For their own safety. Next thing we know, her new series will be 'Juanita Lake, Gay Men Rapist.' And then the world will finally know the true meaning of horror.

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Oh, breast-biting. Hot.

Yes, Anita, you do sympathise with the killer, who is Edward, and will probably try a Hannibal Lecture on you when you finally face him. Which won't work, obviously, because you've watched one too many Hollywood movies, and that's the sort of thing they do.

And plot comes calling again. Cheaply, indecently, like a whore crawling through a puddle of semen and tears.

What the fuck is up with these stupid characters? Has logic bereft this universe? It would explain so much.

Dr. Seuss? Seriously? Did you have a childhood at all, Mrs. Hamilton? Or were you molested by a creepy uncle? A hairy, ugly, fat, balding, slobbering creepy uncle? Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Veredict: Childish.

Chapter Twenty-Eight: "A man who could follow directions; not bad." --> Frustrated much, Mrs. Hamilton?

Okay, fine, I admit it, I liked the ointment thing. I said you do well with little details, and I meant it. The ritual is bloody interesting⁵.

Hm, interesting plot twist with gaunt-face. I can't believe this chapter doesn't suck.

Also, pro tip, Anita: If you think the mouths of the living are crawling with bacteria, you might want to be extra worried about the mouths of the rotting dead.

Wait. Wait. Wait, what the fuck? What was the zombie for? Why the fuck did this chapter happen? Seriously what the fuck?

Veredict: Confusing. Very, very confusing.

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Creepy Vampire Child is summoned by the powers of plot. Awesome. And she wants to feed off Anita. Everybody wants Mary Sue. EVERYONE. NO EXCEPTIONS.

*thunk* That was my head against the wall at the "And I was all out of blowtorches." line. Ugh. Someone told this woman that she had wit and now we're all paying for it.

Ooh action. Ruined by one liners, but oh well.

Veredict: Meh.

Chapter Thirty: Awww, self-pity. Let us all join the pity party. I brought cake!⁶

He wants you to put on a strap-on and fuck him unconscious, Anita. That's what he wants. Or a real man.

Veredict: Being a sadistic fucker has its privileges. Mainly, the ability to enjoy lame chapters like this one.

Chapter Thirty-One: Mary Sue, allow me to enlighten you on your worries: PRIORITIZE. That is what you must do. Who's first on your worry list? Asshat. You have two choices: Kill him (hint: TRAPS) or send him off to Nikolaos to get him killed. If you're too much of a pussy to go for the first, do the second. We both know Creepy Vampire Child is going to try to kill you before the book's over already. The other vamps? Just kill them. Claim self-defence. Everybody will believe you. BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING MARY SUE.

What has he done to you? Answer: Femboy has made you his slave. You were told this before, yes?

Veredict: I'd hope for Mary Sue's death at the end of the book, but I'm far too much of a realist.

COMING NEXT: WILL SHADOW KNIGHT MAKE IT TO THE END? STAY TUNED FOR MORE.

¹: Which is, in itself, disappointing.

²: Quick analysis on the Troubled But Cute male archetype: Has all the asshole pussy-warming traits but is not, in fact, an actual asshole. He's actually hiding a soft interior that the female may care for. His troubled past and frail sanity also provides her with much-needed drama, fantasy, excitement and risk. This is unrealistic, period. A jerk is a jerk and a troubled guy is fucking troubled. Guys don't get hot housewives with a zest for kinky threesomes with their equally hot sister, you don't get this kind of male.

³: But all of this is far too realistic. Vampire junkies, alluring as they are, would be far less common, or the author would have to resort to all sorts of pesky research to make her story logically sound. Which, as we all know, is like, totally uncool.

⁴: And cheap, shameless wish-fulfilment fantasy is best left where it belongs. Which is here, in AFF.

⁵: No pun intended. I think.

⁶: You bet your fucking ass it's poisoned.

[Shadowknight12]

THIRD BOOK: GUILTY PLEASURES, BY LAURELL K. HAMILTON.

Chapter Thirty-Two: Looking forward to seeing Mary Sue reconciling her future sluttiness with this apparent religious devotion. Interesting to note how empty it feels, as if there's not a real reason for her to go to church other than 'because it's good against vampires' and 'because I might get an epiphany.' Real smooth.

Why I believe my pet theory was wrong. Unless Edward has superhuman strength (is he a were, perhaps?), it's likely it's someone completely different. Goody.

OH! MY! FUCKING! GOD! WHAT A TWEEST!

Bitch got what she deserved, awwright.

Veredict: This bodes well for the myriad of unlikable characters in this book.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Pity? You feel pity for her? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Oh man.

Ugh, more characters. I swear, it's like you introduce a new character in every fucking chapter. Fucking shit.

... woman, why must you taunt me with occasional well-written scenes or plot advancements? The whole 'we saved each other's lives' is actually mildly interesting.

Veredict: Eh.

Chapter Thirty-Four: ...what? The Pope excommunicated you, you stopped caring and became Episcopalian? That's your religious history? What? What the fuck? Huh? Dear sweet mother of fuck, I think I just took 3d6 points of Wisdom damage here... You know what? I'll stop thinking about that, grit my teeth until they crack and move on.

Also, the Church of Eternal Life makes absolutely no sense. Vampires live forever and must drink human blood, right? Why the fuck would they want to bring MORE vampires into the fold? It's like we had a magic wand that lets us turn cows into humans. It might be cool to do it once or twice¹, but you don't just do it to every cow that doesn't run away! OTHERWISE YOU RUN OUT OF FOOD! And since you're stronger, faster, have Jedi mind tricks, can fly, read minds, rape minds and whatever other power the author feels it's cool you have, humans represent a very small threat to you. You literally have absolutely no need to "reproduce" at all. In fact it would damage your race on a sociological level. But this is, once again, something that your drug-addled brain fails to grasp, Mrs. Hamilton².

LMFAO. A vampire has an appointment that reads "Nine. Anita Blake. Murder." I think this is the only time in the book I've actually laughed or found anything funny. In page 142 out of 197. Tragic.

Then we get a random hit man (what an amateur) and poof, he's dead.

Yes, Mary Sue. You're very important. We know.

Chapter Thirty-Five: No, Anita. Creepy Vampire Child said femboy was third. That means there's one vamp you still haven't met, who could pulverize your sorry ass. The head of the church would be fourth. Geez, I get that you've been smacked around like a little bitch, but shit woman! How did you make it this far without remembering important information?!

At least you're smart enough to take precautions if you get killed. Interesting. Also, Edward's 24 hours are up by now. 48, even, if my calculations are correct. Whoops?

Ugh, this whole 'oh no the vampire church attracts so many people! That is the real danger, not the murderer!' thing would be sooooo much more believable if I didn't already knew you turned into a vampire slut in the next few books...

Bah. She's suspecting Edward. This means that, unless we find incontrovertible proof that he didn't do it, he's innocent. Funny how it works in novels, the exact opposite as in real life³. Unless she's aiming for that delicious Hannibal Lecture of 'you know what I'm doing is right' blah blah bullshit. Ugh. I can't tell which fate is worse.

Veredict: I need some sleep.

COMING NEXT: MORE FAIL.

¹: FOR SCIENCE!

²: Because, as we've proven and established many times before, you're just plain stupid.

³: And it's always so stupidly presented like that. A last-minute twist that's supposed to sweep you off your feet and leave you slack-jawed in awe. Tsk, tsk.

[wanderingaddict]

to be fair, Laura does somewhat remedy Anita's importance by delving into the fact that she's a necromancer, meaning she can control undead, meaning that she can control vampires should she ever get powerful enough. hence their interest. you should read like... maybe the circus of the damned, or perhaps burnt offerings if you want to actually see some of the cool "world" stuff she does (which I'd argue is worth it) but want to dump the other crap. it's funny, actually, because I more considered Anita as an empty vessel that conveys me to these cool characters and ideas, and I largely overlooked everything she says/does. particularly with Jean-Claude, who after a while *does* get to be kinda sexy, once you realize he's actually pretty muscular slash *incredibly* adept and competent. except, yeah, when it comes to freaking Anita. lawlz, I was just paging through my memory of these books from.... 6 or 8 years ago or whatever, and even back when I had a little more like for her I still had planned for Jean-Claude rolling his eyes at every bitchy, feminazi thing she said.

[wanderingaddict]

burnt offerings is my personal favorite. I think circus of the damned was decent, I dunno, basically whatever one has the Earthmover was acceptable. don't read any of the others. seriously, don't even bother. all they do is go into the fact that Anita blake is a stupid, empty-brained whore who could potentially be 1000 times more powerful if she actually fucking trained her magic instead of her stupid fucking guns, and then she sucks dick and is a racist, speciest, feminazi bitch for a good long time as an ungodly amount of people whose deaths you totally see coming die.

okay no I lied, read the Lunatic Cafe and/or Burnt Offerings. only redeemable ones.

[Shadowknight12]

to be fair, Laura does somewhat remedy Anita's importance by delving into the fact that she's a necromancer, meaning she can control undead, meaning that she can control vampires should she ever get powerful enough. hence their interest. you should read like... maybe the circus of the damned, or perhaps burnt offerings if you want to actually see some of the cool "world" stuff she does (which I'd argue is worth it) but want to dump the other crap. it's funny, actually, because I more considered Anita as an empty vessel that conveys me to these cool characters and ideas, and I largely overlooked everything she says/does. particularly with Jean-Claude, who after a while *does* get to be kinda sexy, once you realize he's actually pretty muscular slash *incredibly* adept and competent. except, yeah, when it comes to freaking Anita. lawlz, I was just paging through my memory of these books from.... 6 or 8 years ago or whatever, and even back when I had a little more like for her I still had planned for Jean-Claude rolling his eyes at every bitchy, feminazi thing she said.

Yeah, that's actually hinted at in the first book, when she explains the difference between the existing types of undead, and the zombie drinks her blood just like a vampire. I was actually going to stop with the series unless someone made a convincing argument for a book.

EXCEPT (and this is the only exception I'm making, mostly out of bile curiosity) for the smut. I've heard conflicting opinions, and since it doesn't appear for the first 7 books, I wasn't going to stomach so much fail to get to it. So I asked a friend to think of the best smut scenes she's read in the series so I can read THAT and satisfy my curiosity. And if you want to throw some suggestions yourself, go ahead.

Though yeah, I can definitely see where you're coming from with the 'ignore the crap' bit. There ARE some good ideas in there, buried like gems amidst the piles of shit. I might do Burnt Offerings after this one. Femboy gets to be sexy and competent? I bet the writer got so much flak for that she tried to fix him in later books... Though LMAO, Mary Sue is such a rampant feminazi it's not even funny!

burnt offerings is my personal favorite. I think circus of the damned was decent, I dunno, basically whatever one has the Earthmover was acceptable. don't read any of the others. seriously, don't even bother. all they do is go into the fact that Anita blake is a stupid, empty-brained whore who could potentially be 1000 times more powerful if she actually fucking trained her magic instead of her stupid fucking guns, and then she sucks dick and is a racist, speciest, feminazi bitch for a good long time as an ungodly amount of people whose deaths you totally see coming die.

okay no I lied, read the Lunatic Cafe and/or Burnt Offerings. only redeemable ones.

LOL! You should be writing your own snark, that was hilarious!

Earthmover? Do I even want to know what that is? And yeah, I will take that into consideration, those two and then I'll try to find a smut scene to settle the two mutually contradicting opinions. Thanks for the recommendations!

[wanderingaddict]

haha, thanks. I've some satire in the archives, but I never really get why other people find what I write funny so I don't really do too much of it. lawlz.

don't read circus of the damned, or the laughing corpse. seriously, just read Lunatic Cafe and if you can still stomach it, read Burnt Offerings. and if you really want to dive into the mechanics of the world, the killing dance is (maybe) alright? there's also very little smut in all of the earlier ones, which is good too, as I honestly can't recall Laura ever doing anything good.

but then, honestly, the only sex scene I remember was from the one where Anita becomes a super whore, and is having a vampire threesome and is about to get did in the butt by this pretty cool vampire, when Jean-Claude suddenly gets remarkably insistent on the vampire (his boyfriend from ages past or some shit) not... doing her in the butt? lawlz I have no idea why. apparently it was just super important or something I dunno, it was stupid.

it's funny, because reading this thread actually made me remember how just how little attention I paid to her. I mean, seriously, I was reading this, going like "wow I kinda remember all that. hey that's right, she was an annoying cunt! how the fuck did I not explode in rage every single page??"

now I know though. haha, I just completely ignored everything she did and said, and instead imagined how much cooler everything I (or some other male character) would have been in that situation. it's funny how completely I've forgotten about her. like, all the cool side characters I can remember pretty clearly, and I can remember a lot of cool things about her powers, but the only things I remember he actually saying and doing that I can even come close to remembering are all the bitchy things she says and does and acts to people in completely unnecessary ways. like, I swear, there's only a million times that some monster offers her an olive branch of peace and she'll practically spit in their face, regardless if that monster is actually a fairly decent person. Laura doesn't really know how to write a strong female character without turning her into an absolute bitch. I stopped reading Narcissus in Chains (I think it's that one that has Anita do 20 guys in the first 100 pages) so I can't say anything about the sex, but honestly dude you can find better stuff from only a million other places so... yeah. I dunno, that was my biggest turn off for the future of the series, but the reason I hate all the other books is because a seriously ungodly amount of people die. I mean, like, seriously, fucking insane numbers of people explode and are torn apart and shit and it's just like holy fuck woman, learn to use some god damn discretion. I mean, this is supposed to be a "coherent world" set in modern america right? a kid shoots another kid in school and it makes the national news. you'd think people would wise up after a million and half stories about a fucking zombie getting into the maternity ward and eating all the nurses and babies (seriously, probably the squickiest moment I had, and probably the one that made me shut the door on the series for good. the sex in NiC was just an excuse). what's even stupider is, by and large, you see all the deaths of these other characters coming from a mile away, so it's not even particularly poignant. you (well me ) just read and are like "well fuck bitch maybe if you didn't have a sopping, quivering vagina and you were afraid of your own god damn power you could have done something about this mess."

hah, anyways, yeah, I did come to like Jean-Claude. I think you're overattributing his fem-ness. I more pictured a slutty 17th century French Aristocrat. I mean, if you pay attention to the actual descriptors, he's still fairly built. what he wears would just be considered effeminate by today's standards, not anything attributable to his personality or character or actual demeanor. well, I may be interpreting my own shift too, but basically for me it was a surprise to realize I ended the series with the thought that he was actually pretty cool. but maybe he's just cool in comparison to everyone else's glaring incompetence. haha, ah well.

[ApolloImperium]

hah, anyways, yeah, I did come to like Jean-Claude. I think you're overattributing his fem-ness. I more pictured a slutty 17th century French Aristocrat. I mean, if you pay attention to the actual descriptors, he's still fairly built. what he wears would just be considered effeminate by today's standards, not anything attributable to his personality or character or actual demeanor. well, I may be interpreting my own shift too, but basically for me it was a surprise to realize I ended the series with the thought that he was actually pretty cool. but maybe he's just cool in comparison to everyone else's glaring incompetence. haha, ah well.

He has a point regarding clothing & Jean Claude. He is a rather strong character and male, he just hasn't quite updated his wardrobe from when he was living LOL!

[Shadowknight12]

haha, thanks. I've some satire in the archives, but I never really get why other people find what I write funny so I don't really do too much of it. lawlz.

LMAO yes, the Yaoi Guide had me in stitches, dude. IN STITCHES.

don't read circus of the damned, or the laughing corpse. seriously, just read Lunatic Cafe and if you can still stomach it, read Burnt Offerings. and if you really want to dive into the mechanics of the world, the killing dance is (maybe) alright? there's also very little smut in all of the earlier ones, which is good too, as I honestly can't recall Laura ever doing anything good.

LOL, okay. And yes, I'll agree with you there.

but then, honestly, the only sex scene I remember was from the one where Anita becomes a super whore, and is having a vampire threesome and is about to get did in the butt by this pretty cool vampire, when Jean-Claude suddenly gets remarkably insistent on the vampire (his boyfriend from ages past or some shit) not... doing her in the butt? lawlz I have no idea why. apparently it was just super important or something I dunno, it was stupid.

"Don't do HER in the ass! Do ME!"

it's funny, because reading this thread actually made me remember how just how little attention I paid to her. I mean, seriously, I was reading this, going like "wow I kinda remember all that. hey that's right, she was an annoying cunt! how the fuck did I not explode in rage every single page??"

Hey, I had the same thing happen to me with Twilight. I just ignored pretty much everything, waiting for action to show up (hahahahahaha). Then I read snarky reviews and went "...how the fuck did I miss all this creepiness?!"

now I know though. haha, I just completely ignored everything she did and said, and instead imagined how much cooler everything I (or some other male character) would have been in that situation. it's funny how completely I've forgotten about her. like, all the cool side characters I can remember pretty clearly, and I can remember a lot of cool things about her powers, but the only things I remember he actually saying and doing that I can even come close to remembering are all the bitchy things she says and does and acts to people in completely unnecessary ways. like, I swear, there's only a million times that some monster offers her an olive branch of peace and she'll practically spit in their face, regardless if that monster is actually a fairly decent person. Laura doesn't really know how to write a strong female character without turning her into an absolute bitch. I stopped reading Narcissus in Chains (I think it's that one that has Anita do 20 guys in the first 100 pages) so I can't say anything about the sex, but honestly dude you can find better stuff from only a million other places so... yeah. I dunno, that was my biggest turn off for the future of the series, but the reason I hate all the other books is because a seriously ungodly amount of people die. I mean, like, seriously, fucking insane numbers of people explode and are torn apart and shit and it's just like holy fuck woman, learn to use some god damn discretion. I mean, this is supposed to be a "coherent world" set in modern america right? a kid shoots another kid in school and it makes the national news. you'd think people would wise up after a million and half stories about a fucking zombie getting into the maternity ward and eating all the nurses and babies (seriously, probably the squickiest moment I had, and probably the one that made me shut the door on the series for good. the sex in NiC was just an excuse). what's even stupider is, by and large, you see all the deaths of these other characters coming from a mile away, so it's not even particularly poignant. you (well me ) just read and are like "well fuck bitch maybe if you didn't have a sopping, quivering vagina and you were afraid of your own god damn power you could have done something about this mess."

*nods* I definitely get your point. Nice to see that the series just gets better and better (/sarcasm). That sounds both in character (for Hamilton) and utterly disappointing. I think that retard just let her 'fame' get in her head. Though I'm still betting money on hard drugs and manwhores. Though really, you can't call Hamilton's world 'coherent' under ANY definition of the word. Not even the wasted, doped up junkie in the alley would find that world coherent.

As for the maternity ward part... I'm guessing a relative/friend made the horrible mistake of asking Hamilton to babysit their child. I'm getting the vibe that the series is her little wish-fulfilment pet, where she has all the unrealistic cock in the world and crying babies get eaten by zombies.

LOL, well, on the bright side, at least you get rid of those annoying twits. Though really, Hamilton isn't the first one to suffer from the Excessive Death Syndrome. Look at Jessica Fletcher, from Murder She Wrote. Wherever that little old lady went, PEOPLE DIED. Often for flimsy reasons, like "She *never* passed the salt!" or "he looked at me funny!" So yeah, that particular bit of failure isn't entirely her doing. There's been plenty of precedent in that regard.

hah, anyways, yeah, I did come to like Jean-Claude. I think you're overattributing his fem-ness. I more pictured a slutty 17th century French Aristocrat. I mean, if you pay attention to the actual descriptors, he's still fairly built. what he wears would just be considered effeminate by today's standards, not anything attributable to his personality or character or actual demeanor. well, I may be interpreting my own shift too, but basically for me it was a surprise to realize I ended the series with the thought that he was actually pretty cool. but maybe he's just cool in comparison to everyone else's glaring incompetence. haha, ah well.

He has a point regarding clothing & Jean Claude. He is a rather strong character and male, he just hasn't quite updated his wardrobe from when he was living LOL!

Oh, so he's a Lestat expy?

Still pretty damn effeminate if you ask me...

Though I agree that Jeannie is by far the smartest character I've stumbled across. He might be the one I like the most, even. I simply overemphasise his femness because harping on femboys is, to me, lots of fun.

[Guest Snowfall]

THIRD BOOK: GUILTY PLEASURES, BY LAURELL K. HAMILTON.

"This couldn't be happening. No one was that beautiful."⁴

⁴: TWILIGHT FLASHBACK TWILIGHT FLASHBACK TWILIGHT FLASHBACK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Wasn't this publish long before Twilight? 1993 vs 2005? If those are exact words, then Meyer's is a plagiarist.

EDIT: DOH! I see where that was already mentioned. Sorry, I just found your reviews so much fun that I didn't want to wait.

Edited December 7, 2010 by Snowfall

[Guest Snowfall]

1. What the fuck are you women carrying in your purses if a fucking GUN is hard to find??? BRICKS?! And it's not an easily misplaced Derringer, it's an actual handgun, a 'Hi-Power' one, even! How the holy bejeezus do you struggle to find THAT?.

2. We may have... different definitions of 'cool.' At least you gave me one of the best news of this entire thread. So thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

I've never handled a derringer. Would it be as heavy as my .45 semi-automatic? Because I will tell you, womens' purses can become very heavy and have lots of shit in them. At least, they could in 1993 when cellphones and such were a lot larger than they are now.

[Shadowknight12]

Hahah, thank you!

I've never handled a derringer. Would it be as heavy as my .45 semi-automatic? Because I will tell you, womens' purses can become very heavy and have lots of shit in them. At least, they could in 1993 when cellphones and such were a lot larger than they are now.

I actually said "derringer" because it's the smallest handgun I know of, and the easiest one to misplace. What I meant was that I couldn't conceive someone not being able to reach into a bag and procuring a handgun so big in a couple of seconds. If she had said it was a derringer, I would have believed it. Those are actually pretty tiny.

Ugh, I have to finish this book some day....

[Guest Snowfall]

Hahah, thank you!

I actually said "derringer" because it's the smallest handgun I know of, and the easiest one to misplace. What I meant was that I couldn't conceive someone not being able to reach into a bag and procuring a handgun so big in a couple of seconds. If she had said it was a derringer, I would have believed it. Those are actually pretty tiny.

Ugh, I have to finish this book some day....

I think she had a browning, which is probably just as heavy as my .45, but why would anyone carry it inside of a purse anyway? I don't know much about her five star though. I think it's probably a lightweight. My first cellphone was almost as bulky as my .45, and it was heavy, but not as heavy. BTW, I drove 800 miles to give my gun to my dad to lock away so I wouldn't use it to shoot my ex. Later, I decided that it wasn't THAT long of a drive to retrieve it. LOL EDIT: And it was my ex who insisted on buying the thing for me. LOL

This series is one of those that makes you wish someone more capable wrote it because it has a lot of potential, but gets fucked up on so many levels.

Edited December 7, 2010 by Snowfall

[Shadowknight12]

I think she had a browning, which is probably just as heavy as my .45, but why would anyone carry it inside of a purse anyway? I don't know much about her five star though. I think it's probably a lightweight. My first cellphone was almost as bulky as my .45, and it was heavy, but not as heavy. BTW, I drove 800 miles to give my gun to my dad to lock away so I wouldn't use it to shoot my ex. Later, I decided that it wasn't THAT long of a drive to retrieve it. LOL EDIT: And it was my ex who insisted on buying the thing for me. LOL

This series is one of those that makes you wish someone more capable wrote it because it has a lot of potential, but gets fucked up on so many levels.

Yeah, well, in the book she has to go somewhere dressed skimpily. If she doesn't want to go around showing off her gun, she has to put it in her purse, there's no other possibility. Unless she invents Hammerspace or something.

ROFL! Well, you know what they say, some things are worth going the extra mile for! And hah! I bet it that came back to bite him, lol.

Yeah, though it wasn't that original to begin with. A lot of the vampire lore is practically cribbed from Buffy, which started roughly around the same time. And didn't Anne Rice started the fad even earlier? With similar powers/weaknesses? I think the only original stuff she added was werewolves and necromancers. Which wasn't THAT much of an innovation.

[Guest Snowfall]

Yeah, well, in the book she has to go somewhere dressed skimpily. If she doesn't want to go around showing off her gun, she has to put it in her purse, there's no other possibility. Unless she invents Hammerspace or something.

ROFL! Well, you know what they say, some things are worth going the extra mile for! And hah! I bet it that came back to bite him, lol.

Yeah, though it wasn't that original to begin with. A lot of the vampire lore is practically cribbed from Buffy, which started roughly around the same time. And didn't Anne Rice started the fad even earlier? With similar powers/weaknesses? I think the only original stuff she added was werewolves and necromancers. Which wasn't THAT much of an innovation.

Vampire lore goes back thousands of years. It was Bram Stoker's Dracula that started the more recent obsession with vamps. People thought he was just so handsome, and voila! The good guy vamps are dreamed up by horny women. None of it is new, though powers/skills/history may be added. I was serious about the vamps that were rumored to run around naked. I did a bunch of research. Most vampire stuff has to do with killing unborn babies and stuff like that. I don't think I saw anything new on Buffy at all. Mostly, vamps were succubus and incubus that women used to excuse unexplained pregnancies. The whole, 'the devil made me do it' thing.

EDIT: The vamp power thing in AB gets really cool later as their powers grow. Jean Claude was held back by his master and she was stealing and using his power, so he never reached his full potential. Then, Anita doesn't let him feed properly. Blood is a meagre food for him. His more succubus, or would that be incubus. I can never keep them straight. Once he starts juicing up though, he's nothing like the vamps on Buffy.

Edited December 7, 2010 by Snowfall