JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[JayDee]

13 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

I’ll try, but I’m not going to be able to pull off detailed analysis of everything I read (heck, I wasn’t able to do that with a lot of your stuff).  But given how much of an impact this story had on me, I kind of wanted to try to explain why it makes me feel the things it makes me feel.  Furthermore, you’ve said that you wrote Luzurial as a one-dimensional character, and I keep feeling like I wouldn’t have bonded so tightly to a one-dimensional character, so the first chapter review is in large part a sort of essay on why Luzurial endeared herself to me as much as she did.  TL;DR, you drew, at the worst, a two-dimensional sketch that implies a three dimensional character.

Fair enough! Thank you again, anyway. Wonderful reviews. I guess I got lucky with putting enough elements in there to bulk ‘er out. I’ll probably still keep thinking 1D or 1.5D at best, but it’s worth noting that I am pretty convinced that most of what I ever wrote was terrible.

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In my experience, it’s not really something you can force.  I had certain descriptions pop into my head that sounded kind of neat (the “coruscating wall of red fire” from the Room 502 fight, the clouds “painting the city purple-red with unholy luminescence” in Part Eight, and the phrase “sheathed in a nimbus of incandescent plasma” from Part Nine, which I haven’t even gotten to yet) and I try to write them down, or at least remember them long enough to do so.

Something’s getting sheathed in Part Nine and it isn’t sexual? I kid! I kid!… No, absolutely though, can’t be forced. Some of it appears on the screen and it was like it was never in my brain at all. It just appears, sometimes with an echo of mocking laughter in the darkness of my hindbrain.

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I forgot to mention this in the reviews, but in Part Two when he did the “Alas poor Yolanda” bit, I actually rolled my eyes.  Eparlegna’s more threatening than Dreneparssa will ever be, but they’re definitely related.

Heh. Shakespeare humor.

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The size of the circle was really only something I ended up focusing on because I was trying really hard to look for clues on Luzurial’s wingspan.  There was the realistically huge Argentavis magnificens/Pelagornis sandersi wingspan of 5.09 to 7.4 meters (17-24 feet), but the wings aren’t supposed to be realistically huge, which is why I was trying to figure out the holy circle for a minimum size.  Minimum diameter on the circle is probably something like 2 meters (6.56 feet), since the dome has to have some room above her head, and it would explain how the confinement was so tight she couldn’t dodge the chains in Part Three...but then her wings end up looking absurdly small rather than absurdly huge.

I ended up going with a figure where each wing is 1.25 times her height, giving her a wingspan of 4.57 meters (15 feet), which led me to think that perhaps the dome was somewhere in the vicinity of 3 meters (about 10 feet) in diameter.

Should I ever need to write another angel of similar build I’m definitely going to have this math in mind. If nothing else I feel like writing a sex scene someday with a character with wings. Besides Spyro the fuckin’ dragon.

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And no, I’m not at that point in the story yet.  I just wanted to figure this out ahead of time. 

I bet it’s gonna be epic.

12 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

I’ve got another story or two of yours I want to review, but after that I may check it out.

Always happy to get any review! Even flames  

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In regards to the “birthing” scene, I wrote this moment in The Woman in the Statue…

[Kevin] told himself that she was okay; that she would heal.  He repeated it to himself like a mantra

No joke, that’s literally based on my thoughts as I read the birthing scene all those years ago: “She’s okay, she can heal, she’s okay, she can heal, she’s okay she can heal she’s okay she can heal she’sokayshecanheal!”

And she was ok! It just took 75 years in universe and 11 years outside. Some kinda relative time Narnia thing going on there.

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If you had made a joke after the birthing scene, I would have reached through the computer and slapped you.  Don’t tell me it’s physically impossible; I’d have found a way.

“Ugh,” muttered Eparlegna, as he looked upon he mess he had made of his mother “I thought she smelled bad on the outside.”

Wait, no, that’s Star Wars.

Eparlegna burst out, looked down at the hole he had made and began to sing,

“ Hello my baby, hello my honey
Hello my ragtime-”

Wait, no that’s Spaceballs.

“Hey, who wants to eat the placenta?”

Wait, no that’s hippies.

Huh. I’ll stop now on rule of three before you decline to ever speak to me again. It may already be too late.

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You keep saying that, but consider this.  First, you explained why her abilities didn’t work; the chains are enchanted, so they can be heated up to 6,000 kelvins without vaporizing (6,000 K – glowing white – is almost twice the boiling point of iron), and even as they start to do so, they can be renewed.  It feels unfair and sad for me, but damnit, the target audience came here to see this woman be raped; she can’t be allowed to escape in a badass manner!

Well, she could be allowed to escape, so long as she got raped again in the next part. They’d probably have been ok with that. I think you’re right that a lot of those readers were pretty much there for the Archangel violation (Back when someone pasted it to the old old gurochan site they even loaded it under the title “Angel Violation”, possibly because there technically isn’t any whoring in it. Some perverts are very keen on semantics.)

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Second, no offense to Deathstalker, but he is not above doing something like this.  The fic of his I read where I first discovered what “snuff” meant had Jill Valentine getting shot in the head while involved in a gangbang with three Umbrella mercenaries.  “Why was she involved in a gangbang with three UBCS members?” one might ask.  Well, upon discovering that the cable car needs parts, instead of saying (paraphrased) “Well, I guess we need to go scavenging for parts now,” like she does during this exact scene in Resident Evil 3, Jill says (paraphrased) “Well, I guess we’re all going to die soon.  You guys want to fuck?”

OoC strikes when you most expect it.

So yeah, this is just part of the genre.

I said Deathstalker could have done it, I didn’t say he always does :p The guy is paid by the word! Also, I’ll glare at anybody who says his version of Rebecca Chambers with a cute penis isn’t canon. LALALA I don’t want to hear it!

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Hey, it’s not your fault.  Tags can be vague (MCD might mean Snuff, or it might just be that the main villain dies), and there are some things the author can’t tell you without explicitly spoiling the ending, which is generally bad form.

Eh, I probably could have been a bit more explicit about it though in the warning. Some of my later stories have stronger allcaps warnings at the start. Oh well, I’m sticking with the “At least we got The Woman in the Statue” out of it.

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That’s probably true.  If we got to see the day when she was finally freed, or when that coating finally disintegrated (more on that later), I still would have felt very bad for Luzurial, but with some reassurance that she would be okay, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to write my little therapy project.

Yeah, going with this Happy ending!

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 I know I made you cry once (the car scene), but that was the only one I was aware of.  You’re going to have to call these moments out in the reviews.

I do have that reputation as a monster to uphold! I mean, it was moist eyes rather than outright crying, like in part 1 feeling bad for her in the hospital with that my name is whore bit. Total hypocrisy I suppose.

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Oooooooh that might have just made it so much worse  You see, I figured she was suffering horribly in there until star formation stopped and they all burned out, and then Judgment Day happened and some of her friends let her out, but if entropy does it, if the coating just disintegrates naturally...that would require the nucleons to break down, which assuming minimum proton half-life would take 2 trillion trillion trillion  years (2 x 10³⁶).  I can only assume that after none of her friends let her out and that happened, she would probably spend at least the next half a billion years curled into a fetal position crying.

I need to go write in Kevin giving her another hug now…

Well thanks to you, the one mortal able to do for her what needed to be done, that ending is reconned down to 75 years! I mean, still 75 years where every second hurts like eternity, but it’s better than a poke in the womb with a sharp dick as Eparlegna likes to say.

To be fair it’s that long in our universe. Once life has ceased in the WoH universe the creator might have hit fast forward and got to Judgement Day in only a few trillion years.

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You know, that actually sounds kind of cool.

I always thought so. They got another song “Vampire Punk Rockers from Hell” that also feels like it could inspire a pretty good story too.

Edited January 23, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

And, wow, another review for Whore of Heaven though I suspect many readers will take the attitude of that other reviewer of The Woman in the Statue and not have a look at the dark and gory origins. Which is probably the sensible option.

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Thundercloud

I checked this story out after reading the sequel by InBrightestDay and it was clearly worth the time even if I think the story could have worked just as well without some of the gore content .

Stylewise I think the story is pretty close to japanse hentai of the classic kind. The villian is pretty much standard bad guy, but with much more clever abuse than the all powerful tentacles often featured in the hentai anime. This make the story much more interesting.

The actual mechanics of the darkness with connection to sin is the one detail that impressed me the most. All poweful angels that suddenly get defeated for no logic reason at all is an old and boring trope. Your setup both manage to have a really innovative mechanics for the evilness of the darkness and explain why the angel comes into battle weakened so that defeat is plausible.

Thank you for your review. I’m grateful for you taking the time to read it.

Gore content is always going to be one of those things I think folks like or they don’t – not just as a sexualised thing, but with some of the horror movies and that. A bit of violence here and there is alright but I guess part 3 was pretty heavy on it. She survived though! Unlike the character in another story who got white phosphorus in a very uncomfortable place.

I’m really glad you found the story more interesting – I put in a bunch of variety of stuff to try and keep it chugging along. I mean, it still has some tentacles but they’re less focussed. It’s funny, I’ve not seen a whole lot of hentai really, but I did see quite a lot of old anime they used to show on TV and there’s probably some shared influence in the villains.

Hey thanks – It’s like InBrightestDay has pointed out too, I guess, where the actual physical/magical restraints would fall short, her own personality and unwillingness to cause harm to trapped innocents serve to finalize the trap. So it does pull together, without blowing my own horn. I’m glad it worked anyway!

I am hoping to start reading With the Mirror Came… soon – that Beast tag sounds fun! – will probably have to go a chapter at a time.

Edited January 23, 2019 by JayDee

[Thundercloud]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Gore content is always going to be one of those things I think folks like or they don’t – not just as a sexualised thing, but with some of the horror movies and that. A bit of violence here and there is alright but I guess part 3 was pretty heavy on it. She survived though! Unlike the character in another story who got white phosphorus in a very uncomfortable place.

I’m really glad you found the story more interesting – I put in a bunch of variety of stuff to try and keep it chugging along. I mean, it still has some tentacles but they’re less focussed. It’s funny, I’ve not seen a whole lot of hentai really, but I did see quite a lot of old anime they used to show on TV and there’s probably some shared influence in the villains.

Hey thanks – It’s like InBrightestDay has pointed out too, I guess, where the actual physical/magical restraints would fall short, her own personality and unwillingness to cause harm to trapped innocents serve to finalize the trap. So it does pull together, without blowing my own horn. I’m glad it worked anyway!

I am hoping to start reading With the Mirror Came… soon – that Beast tag sounds fun! – will probably have to go a chapter at a time.

That she survived seems more like the outcome from her healing ability rather than you pulling any punches.  Of course I should not be complaining about uncanny healing abilities of characters,  my character Jennifer from the G.S.P. story is very much over the top on recovering from injuries. In you story it is at least explainable from the start how she can have such amazing healing power and resilience to injury.

As for the nature of demonic bad guys I am sure fan of tentacles and have included them on a number of places in my stories. The problem with tentacles story wise is they don’t have weak spots so to say so the bad guy does not really expose themselves when they use them. It if of course possible to imagine the heroine over power tentacles, but then why use the tentacles in the first place…

As for the beast tag on my story, do remember that the story tags are for all the chapters. There is one beastly scene evenat the beginning of the story, but the good beastly stuff is in chapter 3 and forward.
 

[InBrightestDay]

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

Should I ever need to write another angel of similar build I’m definitely going to have this math in mind.

In case you’re curious, assuming Shannon is 162.56 cm or 5’4” (about average female height in the US), this would give her a wingspan of 4.064 m (13 feet 4 inches).  Kizzy’s wings may be wildly different due to the whole Seraph thing.

At 243.8 cm (8 feet) tall, Eparlegna ends up with an appropriately threatening 6.096 m (20 foot) wingspan.

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

And she was ok! It just took 75 years in universe and 11 years outside. Some kinda relative time Narnia thing going on there.

Yeah, I guess that’s true.  Good feelings back.

Jokes.

God damn it, JayDee…

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

“Ugh,” muttered Eparlegna, as he looked upon he mess he had made of his mother “I thought she smelled bad on the outside.”

Wait, no, that’s Star Wars.

I didn’t laugh, but I only cringed a little.

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

Eparlegna burst out, looked down at the hole he had made and began to sing,

“ Hello my baby, hello my honey
Hello my ragtime-”

Wait, no that’s Spaceballs.

Detached enough that I actually chuckled.  That’s the power of Mel Brooks.

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

“Hey, who wants to eat the placenta?”

Wait, no that’s hippies.

I hate you.  I hate you so much.

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

I’ll stop now on rule of three before you decline to ever speak to me again. It may already be too late.

No, I’ll keep talking.  But I will look for you.  I will find you.

And I will slap you.

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

Yeah, going with this Happy ending!

I just need to keep remembering this.

Edited January 23, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

6 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

In case you’re curious, assuming Shannon is 162.56 cm or 5’4” (about average female height in the US), this would give her a wingspan of 4.064 m (13 feet 4 inches).  Kizzy’s wings may be wildly different due to the whole Seraph thing.

At 243.8 cm (8 feet) tall, Eparlegna ends up with an appropriately threatening 6.096 m (20 foot) wingspan.

Kizzy’s definitely got the ability to have wings on her human-like form, per end of Slumber Party part 1, probably not dissimilar in size to Shannon’s although angelic rather than demonic. I guess I had that so that people would believe her when she indicated she wasn’t human (besides the flaming sword). She’d have entirely different ones in her true Seraph form. Six of ‘em for a start, but since looking at her would probably burn out mortal eyes they probably don’t need the math. 

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I hate you.  I hate you so much. 

No, I’ll keep talking.  But I will look for you.  I will find you.

And I will slap you.

Rule of three! I nearly stopped at two and thought, no, gotta get that third one in there.

Edited January 24, 2019 by JayDee

[InBrightestDay]

10 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Rule of three! I nearly stopped at two and thought, no, gotta get that third one in there.

Honestly, I kinda wish you’d stopped at two.  The third one was only supposed to be funny, I’m sure, but remember how the lamia muse talks to me too?  Well, that apparently inspired her, and she deposited a very upsetting image into my mind.  I wrote it as an excerpt...then put it in a spoiler, so that no one would see it by accident...then grew afraid that you would think it brilliant and put it into Whore of Heaven (because, hey, Luzurial will technically survive it; what’s a little more agonizing pain?), so I deleted it completely.

I gotta stop taking that bitch’s calls...

Edited January 24, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

That does sound like the ol’ Lamia. Sometimes writing the stuff down is the only way to purge it. Although, If it helps, there’s always the bright side that l I never got around to writing her “Turducken but with angels” idea.

Anyway, you could always undelete it and use it for the basis of an AFF Halloween party story… Wait, that wasn’t me, that was the muse.

[InBrightestDay]

1 hour ago, JayDee said:

That does sound like the ol’ Lamia. Sometimes writing the stuff down is the only way to purge it. Although, If it helps, there’s always the bright side that l I never got around to writing her “Turducken but with angels” idea.

Anyway, you could always undelete it and use it for the basis of an AFF Halloween party story… Wait, that wasn’t me, that was the muse.

It’s not the kind of thing I could use for a Halloween Party anyway.  I sent it to you via PM so that you might understand.

I’m not blaming you or anything; I know the line was meant to make me laugh.

[JayDee]

Well, if it’s the most horrifying thing you see today you’ve not heard Weezer’s new cover of No Scrubs.

[InBrightestDay]

29 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Well, if it’s the most horrifying thing you see today you’ve not heard Weezer’s new cover of No Scrubs.

Wait, stop the presses...Weezer still exists?

[JayDee]

 

[InBrightestDay]

So...remember this?

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Minimum diameter on the circle is probably something like 2 meters (6.56 feet), since the dome has to have some room above her head, and it would explain how the confinement was so tight she couldn’t dodge the chains in Part Three...but then her wings end up looking absurdly small rather than absurdly huge.

I just realized that as a hemisphere, the height of a dome is equal to its radius, not its diameter, so in order for Luzurial’s head not to be brushing the roof of the dome, the radius of the thing has to be something like 2 meters (about 6 feet 7 inches), which means the diameter is 4 meters (a hair over 13 feet) at the ground level.

I apologize for the math-based stupidity from earlier.  I’ve gotten better at it over the years, but sometimes basic aspects of geometry still escape me.

In case you’re curious, if I’m doing this right, it would mean that assuming Luzurial is 6 feet (1.829 m) tall, then the wings sprout from her shoulders, which according to what I could find online are about 82.1% of the way up your body (1.501 m in her case).  At a height of 1.501 m, the diameter of the barrier should be 8 feet 8 inches (2.642 m), so with that 15 foot wingspan, she’d be able to spread them more than halfway, which should allow her to beat them somewhat, though obviously not at full strength, but would also allow her to press them against the walls of the dome.

Assuming I didn’t just screw up the math again, that is.

Edited January 24, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

I’m sure it’s right. I mean, I can’t count past 10 without taking my shoes off so I take your word for it. Thanks for putting the thought in!

 

[JayDee]

Jenny From The Pond because if there’s one thing JayDee likes it’s malevolent water beasties. Hence that half-assed request that led to Pippychick’s brilliant story The Price, available right here on this very archive. It’s also notable as one of only two stories I loaded on fanfiction.net (as Kizurial, since JD and variants were taken.)

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InBrightestDay

I hadn't realized until recently that mythological stories went under "Books" here, and I certainly wasn't expecting to see a story featuring Jenny Greenteeth, who I always thought was one the creepier folktales out there.

Thank you for this review! Another case where I always thought another review unlikely. I think it may have been decided that if AFF had a seperate Oral History subdomain section users would end up confused. And thirsty. I guess when your sole reason for existing is to be a warning against getting close enough to water to drown you’re gonna be one creepy water critter. She probably just has a ham, egg, and chips at a riverside pub these days.

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As always, you're very good at quickly establishing characters and making me feel like I know them, and here this includes both Zach and, to an extent, Jenny herself.  The word count limit kind of hurts how much can actually happen, as well as how much the water hag's slow, creeping menace can be emphasized, but within those confines I think you did quite well.

Thank you! It was always a bit of a challenge to tell a story of some sort in 1000 word limit. There’s definitely a few of them that could have done with more time in the telling. This one sort of boils down to Zach arrives, gets a look at British Teeth, and flees.

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As always, there's a bit of humor in here as well, with Zach's hilarious misunderstanding of what's going on.  Sure, there's a horrifying flesh-eating thing crawling out of the pond toward him, but she must just be angry that he moved that rock!

I mean, it was her favorite rock… Heh, I ought to revisit him someday in another humorous misunderstanding. Perhaps around a wolf in some sort of park back in America. 

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Finally, I really liked the little detail of the weed covering the pond.  Not only does it serve to hide Jenny, but it incorporates the fact that apparently Jenny's name is often used as a word for duckweed and over water-covering plants.

I probably was referencing that – I think I’d boned up on her before writing it, but equally it might just be concid… nah, screw it, I’m taking credit.

Thanks again for your review, I ‘preciate it.

[InBrightestDay]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

I guess when your sole reason for existing is to be a warning against getting close enough to water to drown you’re gonna be one creepy water critter.

She’s netted a few creepy illustrations too.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

She probably just has a ham, egg, and chips at a riverside pub these days.

I now kind of want to see this in a story.  Maybe the same one where Kizzy & Co. end up after a mission (which I guess would make it “a seraph, a succubus, a vampire and a werewolf walk into a pub”)

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I ought to revisit him someday in another humorous misunderstanding. Perhaps around a wolf in some sort of park back in America.

It could actually work pretty well right now.  Given the government shutdown, there are people literally pooping in the woods in some of our national parks.

[JayDee]

The first one’s pissed because somone threw a skull in her pond after she did her spring clean

“Does a bear shit in the woods?”

“...take your MM scatfic back to AFF.”

I’ve managed a couple thousand words so far on a walks into a bar story. Kizzy’s not there; she’s helping at a homeless outreach project instead. Meanwhile at the bar, some bad guys showed up.

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“Let’s go somewhere more private shall we? Hey, you ever read one of those stories where a guy picks a woman up in a bar and she turns out to be a vampire? What am I saying... you ever read?”

 

“Please don’t antagonise the nice man holding my new friend Trenna, sweetie.”

Dunno if I’ll finish it. Just trying to write more, really. Sit down for a time and try and write something. Maybe I’d be better concentrating on one of my few remaining gorefest re-writes from 2007. Something I could finish at least!

[InBrightestDay]

1 hour ago, JayDee said:

The first one’s pissed because somone threw a skull in her pond after she did her spring clean

Funny you should say that, because there’s another illustration that made me think “Kids today, always throwing their trash in my pond...”

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“Does a bear shit in the woods?”

“...take your MM scatfic back to AFF.”

I keep forgetting how many words are actually innuendos.

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Dunno if I’ll finish it. Just trying to write more, really. Sit down for a time and try and write something.

That’s really all you can do.  As I mentioned a page or two ago, some scenes just come together in my head, while others require me to stare at a blank word processor for quite some time.

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Maybe I’d be better concentrating on one of my few remaining gorefest re-writes from 2007. Something I could finish at least!

I thought you’d be out of those by now.  Do you just have a big “Old Guro Stories” folder on your PC?

Edited January 25, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

10 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Funny you should say that, because there’s another illustration that made me think “Kids today, always throwing their trash in my pond...”

That’s hilarious. The pictures are all cool, but thanks for sharing that one especially. Well, there we have it. If I ever re-visit Jenny she’ll be getting angry ‘bout polluters and littering. Maybe she could be the river spirit in one of the requests in this post if I get around to doing it before Pippychick’s likely superior effort. 

Edit: Also, all my prompts in the two posts on that page and also in this earlier post are high quality story concepts and no doubt lead to best literary nobel prizes someday.

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I keep forgetting how many words are actually innuendos.

And if not, we’ll make ‘em innuendos!

“Hey Smokey! There’s a fire in my pants, you’d better beat it out.”

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That’s really all you can do.  As I mentioned a page or two ago, some scenes just come together in my head, while others require me to stare at a blank word processor for quite some time.

I had them walk into the bar and then waited to see what happened next. Shannon got a free drink and pretty much guaranteed sleeping with the bartender. Then conflict.

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I thought you’d be out of those by now.  Do you just have a big “Old Guro Stories” folder on your PC?

Well, I have a scraps folder which isn’t as full as you’d think. I did a bunch of fics back in the day I no longer have on AFF, and it’s these I’ve been re-writing into original or fanfics. Twinpregnation was one of ‘em that was gore free!. I’ve still got some oneshots and one four parter to de-RPF-ify. Of the remaining ones, some aren’t gory at all, some have a bit I might just strip out simply because it’s not the best written and the four parter is literally all gore. There’s like two lines in each part where someone isn’t being fucked, killed, butchered, or eaten. In my defence, when I wrote that one I didn’t know the fucking characters were real fucking people.

Edited January 26, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Whore of Heaven gets another review.

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SinfulWolf

You certainly nailed the aspects of Hell and demons that are meant to make them terrifying. This wasn't a sexy read for me, it was horrifying, but it was quite well written. I usually rather like corruption stories and the like, but the pure torture and evil the angel is put through... horrifying.

I think the gore really works here. I think without it, it'd be a cheesy rape porn story, while the brutality to gore make this something that's closer to horror than anything else. I certainly empathize with InBrightestDay's thoughts on all this.

I think my biggest criticism is how easily she gets captured after setting her up as one of, if not the most, powerful arch angels in the celestial host. Yet she gets tricked and trapped so very easily. And her outfit seems rather contradictory to the line about wearing garments that were not meant to arouse lust. Then why put in her bra and thong? Angels can not be that naive.

Overall, well worth the read.

Thank you for the review! I appreciate all the feedback, so thank you for taking the time. I’m not surprised it’s not a sexy read for you – it’s a very niche story for anyone who’d find it arousing, I think. I had to re-read it recently and it didn’t do a whole lot for me either, except for some bits in part 2. I think you’re probably pretty much on it with the horror vibe – it’s just fairly grim tortureporn towards the end. On the plus side InBrightestDay’s thoughts have led to a fantastic sequel (I’ve had the luck of reading a little ahead of what is posted and it just gets better and better!) so one good thng to come out of it!

I feel you’re right about her being tricked easily – this is of course a bit of a flaw with the writing. So far as the trap at that point, well, she had the power to break free easily but doing so would have condemned a group of innocents to a painful death. My other angel, Kizurial, would have done it without pause on the basis that their souls would still be safe, but Luzurial is, well, she’s too nice. Not wanting to see humans suffer was why she went down there. Or something. Eh, no, I see where you’re coming from. I think I criticised myself for the same thing at one point.

As for the thong and bra – eh, you wouldn’t see Kizzy in that get up either. The meta reason is that the original requester provided a picture of the basic angel type and that’s similar to what she was wearing. In Universe… she kind of is naive about sex, I guess. Or maybe that’s just the fashion in heaven where none of the angels or archangels are having sex. I’m blaming the original request! Certainly in InBrightestDay’s sequel she’s wearing more sensible clothing.

I’m glad you found it worth the read! I really appreciate the review.

Thanks again!

[Sinfulwolf]

36 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Whore of Heaven gets another review.

Thank you for the review! I appreciate all the feedback, so thank you for taking the time. I’m not surprised it’s not a sexy read for you – it’s a very niche story for anyone who’d find it arousing, I think. I had to re-read it recently and it didn’t do a whole lot for me either, except for some bits in part 2. I think you’re probably pretty much on it with the horror vibe – it’s just fairly grim tortureporn towards the end. On the plus side InBrightestDay’s thoughts have led to a fantastic sequel (I’ve had the luck of reading a little ahead of what is posted and it just gets better and better!) so one good thng to come out of it!

I didn’t mind the torture stuff, I just started viewing it as a horror, and I quite enjoy the story. Considering some of the shit I’ve put in my own writing, can’t get pouty when others do the same stuff. And I have already started ‘The Woman in the Statue’. It’s pretty cool seeing the continuation of your story.

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I feel you’re right about her being tricked easily – this is of course a bit of a flaw with the writing. So far as the trap at that point, well, she had the power to break free easily but doing so would have condemned a group of innocents to a painful death. My other angel, Kizurial, would have done it without pause on the basis that their souls would still be safe, but Luzurial is, well, she’s too nice. Not wanting to see humans suffer was why she went down there. Or something. Eh, no, I see where you’re coming from. I think I criticised myself for the same thing at one point.

Certainly happens. I guess in the end, I felt it didn’t go well with the set up of ultimate badass. But, something needed to happen for the story to go. 

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As for the thong and bra – eh, you wouldn’t see Kizzy in that get up either. The meta reason is that the original requester provided a picture of the basic angel type and that’s similar to what she was wearing. In Universe… she kind of is naive about sex, I guess. Or maybe that’s just the fashion in heaven where none of the angels or archangels are having sex. I’m blaming the original request! Certainly in InBrightestDay’s sequel she’s wearing more sensible clothing.

I’m glad you found it worth the read! I really appreciate the review.

Thanks again!

I didn’t have a problem with the outfit per se. I’ve come across a lot of different settings where the angels wear very little. I think it just felt contradictory with the line about avoiding lusts. Whereas had she just been wearing the stuff, it might not have stood out to me so much.

And no problem. It was a good read.

[InBrightestDay]

3 hours ago, Sinfulwolf said:

I didn’t have a problem with the outfit per se. I’ve come across a lot of different settings where the angels wear very little. I think it just felt contradictory with the line about avoiding lusts. Whereas had she just been wearing the stuff, it might not have stood out to me so much.

I realize I’m not the original author, but I always saw the outfit as a result of Luzurial’s naivete concerning sexuality.  It’s not that she’s clueless about humanity in general (she’s not surprised by cars, guns, modern buildings, etc.) and she knows what sex is, but other stuff surrounding sex is kind of a blind spot for her.  Given that, she knows that she shouldn’t be seen naked by mortals, but doesn’t realize that covering up a little of herself, but not enough, just makes her look hotter.

That was my take on it, anyway.

[JayDee]

...yeah, we’ll call that canon too. What the heck. Better than anything I had!

[JayDee]

Made 2500 words of progress on a prequel chapter for “The Slumber Party of Evil Doom.” Decided I should give the characters surnames for while they’re at school. Came up with Shannon MacDuff, Kate Wilde, Lupa Lopez and Kizzy Dieudonné.

Look, some of us are shit at names ok? I had Kizzy’s first hello include the phrase “Fellow Humans,” and keep giggling at it. Dunno if it works though. Oh well, hopefully I can get it finished and posted, because it has been quite fun to write.

[InBrightestDay]

1 hour ago, JayDee said:

Came up with Shannon MacDuff, Kate Wilde, Lupa Lopez and Kizzy Dieudonné. 

Well, the English name Shannon is apparently derived from the River Shannon, the longest river in Ireland, so MacSomething-or-other does seem like a good idea.  As far as I can tell, MacDuff is derived from Scottish Gaelic, though I can’t be sure of this.

Kate is an English name, so Wilde does fit (as well as kind of feeling like a werewolf joke).

Lupa Lopez is also kind of funny, since (again, from what I can tell) Lopez means “son of Lope” and Lope is apparently a Spanish form of Lupus, the feminine form of which would be...Lupa.

Kizzy’s is brilliant, though, since it translates literally from the French as “given by God.”

So yeah, I’d say you don’t suck at names.

1 hour ago, JayDee said:

I had Kizzy’s first hello include the phrase “Fellow Humans,” and keep giggling at it.

I really like that, because it’s either a Star Trek reference, or it’s her doing a terrible job at blending in with mortals.

[JayDee]

Shannon – Her entirely fictional dad was of Scottish-American descent while her equally fictional (though occasionally played by Shannon herself with a few tweaks and larger cleavage) Mom was a mix including some Irish-American and a lot of non-specific Scandinavian and German. They were both created as part of her schoolgirl cover story. The real in-universe source for the first name is a dead woman she knew in Hell, and for the surname Shannon liked the sound of it, and also had a vague recollection of the whole “not of woman born” thing from Shakespeare, which wasn’t too show offy to blow her cover.

Kate – Since she hasn’t let me nail down her past I went with something that worked either as a fake name or a real one.

Lupa – Her parents both really liked alliterative comics names like Bruce Banner and Peter Parker, and Lupa was also her maternal Grandmother’s name. They knew it would fly without making her a target for mockery, alhough sadly the, ahem, sun-allergy skin condition she developed later might have caused her to be bullied at her new school if she didn’t get to be friends with a totally cool other new girl.

Kizzy – One of her fictional ancestors was held a slave in Louisiana at the time of the civil war. She had some help putting her cover story together from an Angel much closer to humanity, and, yeah, I loved the real meaning of the name in the context of Kizzy – her’s was the first of the four’s name I nailed down, because it just felt so right. With her demonstrating zero Angelic abilities until the night of the slumber party it’s not going to give her away.

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So yeah, I’d say you don’t suck at names.

I dunno, it took way to long to come up with Wilde.

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I really like that, because it’s either a Star Trek reference, or it’s her doing a terrible job at blending in with mortals. 

It’s a lot more of terrible job