JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[JayDee]

16 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

I guess some terms haven’t spread too far outside the US.  So, “cuck” is still short for “cuckold,” but in recent years, specifically on the political right, the word has come to refer not only to a man whose girlfriend or wife is cheating on him, but to a man so weak and pathetic that he deserves to have someone else (a real man) steal his woman from him.

The idea, generally, is that the cucks are physically weak, emotionally sensitive/vulnerable or somewhat submissive in their relationships with their female partners, and that what these women really want is a dominant alpha male (usually one who’s physically strong as well, but that’s not necessary so long as he has a dominant personality), even if they don’t know it yet.

Mike is thus a cuck because he’s short of stature, not muscular and, I’m guessing, because he doesn’t really participate in the fight against the demon and lets Lupa handle it.  The fact that she’s stronger than he is, faster than he is, more durable than he is and has more experience with this kind of stuff than he does is basically irrelevant.  Remember on my thread the cultural conditioning I mentioned that’s part of why Kevin feels he has to go into the Second Rupture with Luzurial?  This is basically it.

Well, shit. I’d see cuck thrown around but I just always assumed folks still meant the traditional cuckold sense. I didn’t realise it’d become so detached. Thanks for the explanation! I mean, I disagree with the reviewer that Mike is a cuck (‘the fuck was Mike supposed to do against snake boy? Use harsh language?) but at least I understand what he implied now. And to be fair, Lupa would be fine to meet a dominant alpha male for a drink, but just not any kind of sexual relationship.

Also, thank you a whole bunch for the review on Pregnant in Alabama! I say this a lot but I appreciate every review I get. I even liked getting the cuck one, ‘cos even if I disagree it’s great to get an alternate opinion!

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@InBrightestDay

So this made me laugh a lot, which I kind of needed given what's happening with these laws.  I won't be able to point out everything that made me laugh, but...

It didn't matter if a woman had been raped or engaged in incest, not even if all the medical evidence suggested the fetus would grow up to wear a fedora.

First one.

Whoohoo! The whole thing was a bit of a joke fic, so getting some laughs out of folks for it is the best thing. Naturally Fedoras might make a storming hipster led comeback and leave the gag aging poorly, but at the moment it’s a good ol’ neckbeard m’lady josher.

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“Please go on, sir, it’s totally interesting. I haven’t heard morality expressed like this since I had my old job.”

Second one, not only because it's just a good stealth burn, but because it kind of echoes my thoughts on religious extremists.  You may have at points heard the phrase "You may not believe in God, but you're doing God's work."  That's not meant to be offensive to atheists, but to imply that while the person in question isn't religious, he or she is still helping to make the world a better place.  When it comes to groups like the WBC or, now, the politicians behind these laws, I always think to myself "You may be religious, but believe me...you're doing Satan's work."

I re-worked that line a bunch. I think originally it was “where I used to live” and I tried a few others, but the rhythm didn’t work. Wasn’t entirely happy with how it ended but the joke’s still in there. There’s that saying about “Standing in McDonalds doesn’t make you a hamburger, standing in church doesn’t make you a Christian,” or whatever the wording is, and that definitely seems to apply to some of the fundies. C S Lewis had a stab at it as well in The Last Battle, with the idea that good done in Tash’s name is actually for Aslan and I think vice versa. 

I’m not religious but looking at my past stories I’m doing Satan’s work anyway!

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Also, this isn't any one single line, but with the names (Billy Bob Wallace, Jeb Bob, Jim Bob Irons), this has to be the most Southern story possible, and I found myself chuckling just over that.

I also slipped in “Helen Bobbi Heuchler” for the female variant. I called her Holly in the first draft before deciding it was a bit too parody-close to the actual governor, as I wanted to do different OC characters. The surname has a meaning in German, and the Doctor’s does in Polish FWIW.

I really wanted to fit in some references to biscuits and gravy and grits, but didn’t get around to it

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Now I will admit that while the sex probably would have been incredibly arousing with just about anyone else, with Senator Billy Bob, well, it seems we went for the Ugly Bastard hentai tag.

I knew I shoulda gone for the baby of the State Senate, young Greg Bob, with his strong jaw, wavey hair, and six good fingers on each hand.

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Also, you officially know you've read/written too many romantic incest stories when you read this:

Billy Bob felt himself to be in the grip of a lust he hadn't known since seeing his 18-year-old sister in the shower 40 years before.

And your first impression is that he had this secret, kinda-sweet crush on his sister when they were both younger, and not, you know, that he was perving on his very not-reciprocating little sister when he was much older.

On the other hand, the only senator Shannon wasn't able to seduce was Jim Bob Irons, who apparently has a very, very strong marriage to his half-sister (so strong a succubus's lust magic couldn't break it), so there's some romantic incest in there after all!

I was definutely going for the suggestion he’d fancied her when he was about the same age/slightly older, it was basically me doing a little Alabama incest meme’ing to demonstate how lusty he was gettin’

In Shannon’s defence, given time and inclination I’m sure she could eventually seduce Irons, but she’d hard a long hard (guffaw etc) night by that point and he sure was in love. Plus it was another chance for an incest gag.

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The lead-up to that, by the way...

“Well... he did marry his first cousin, and I did hear that her real daddy might have been his dad-“ Billy Bob broke off suddenly, then shouted, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, ‘SHE SAID’?”

That cutoff was so beautifully timed I can't tell you how hard I laughed.

Thank you!

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On a less comedic note, I'm gonna get a little political here, but this was a seriously well-made point:

“Life begins at conception!"

...

“Oh bullshit, Billy Bob. The law’s about control, that’s all.

Normally, it would be unwise to make such an assumption, but in this case, the Alabama law exempts fetuses created via in vitro fertilization.  Those are definitely unborn humans, but since they're not inside a uterus they receive no protection, almost as if this is less a pro-life law and more an anti-choice one...  At any rate, I just thought that point was well-made.

I mean, I’ve kind of simplified it down a bit, but, hell, I’ll blame that on the Doc being a little fuzzy after Shannon ‘throated him on his driveway.

Thanks though!

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And finally, this:

The demon claimed the Angel of Conception would be watching over you all and would do what she does for women.

I'm seriously tempted to write the side story about Lailah getting roped into this now.

Hahaha! I hadn’t thought of that side of it. If I’d done the Kizzy epilogue I thought of,

“What did you hope to achive in Alabama?”

“O-”

“Besides orgasms?”

I think I’d have had Shannon pointing out that she had made an especial, hard work/draining effort to ensure there were proper mortal babies, and this was shown by the fact that as soon as they’d been conceived she’d sensed the Angel of Conception doing her thing, but you could absolutely do a fun story with Shannon getting her buy in first.  But I didn’t really want to do a myth story, so I just used the bare minimum reference to keep it original (I’m pretty sure Billy Bob is hallucinating later.)

“Hey Sweetie!”

Temira glared and raised her spear,

“You. You don’t belong here! I’ve told you!”

“Totally agree with you. Can Lailah come out to play?”

“Begone-”

“THOT?”

“Dem- what?”

Or something.

Anyway, thank you again for the review! I’m glad it made you laugh and totally understand how it didn’t make you aroused.

[InBrightestDay]

10 hours ago, JayDee said:

I also slipped in “Helen Bobbi Heuchler” for the female variant. I called her Holly in the first draft before deciding it was a bit too parody-close to the actual governor, as I wanted to do different OC characters.

The governor of Alabama is Kay Ivey, which doesn’t really sound like...oh, I get it, because holly is a plant and ivy is also...yeah, I see what you mean.

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The surname has a meaning in German, and the Doctor’s does in Polish FWIW.

So Heuchler means...oh, that’s good.  I would not have thought to look that up.  The doctor’s name is kind of funny too, like naming a Japanese cop “Officer Keisatsukan.”

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I was definutely going for the suggestion he’d fancied her when he was about the same age/slightly older, it was basically me doing a little Alabama incest meme’ing to demonstate how lusty he was gettin’

Ah, so more of a generic Deep South gag than an indicator of him being a monster.

I’ll fully admit I stole the Ugly Bastard joke from Gigguk.
 

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Hahaha! I hadn’t thought of that side of it. If I’d done the Kizzy epilogue I thought of,

“What did you hope to achive in Alabama?”

“O-”

“Besides orgasms?”

I was actually thinking about Lailah’s PoV anyway, because ever since the law went up, I was wondering what the Angel of Conception would think of it.  I mean, on the one hand, if she attaches souls to embryos at conception, she’s probably not usually happy when an abortion happens (since I’d imagine she has to take the soul back and bind it to another embryo), but on the other hand, she’d no doubt be well aware that free will, the ability to choose, is one of the most important traits the Creator gave mortals, so it would likely be as complex an issue for her as it is for us.

But when I read this story, I was thinking like she would be watching all the souls passing from her to their human mothers, and knowing each one.

The Angel Lailah: “Twins, tall for babies and with black hair, to be born to Li Fang in Hangzhou, China.  A beautiful little girl, red haired and with a light dusting of freckles across her cheeks, to be born to Beverly Hayden in Gloucester, England.  A sweet little boy, brown of hair and eyes, to be born to Senator Billy Bob...wait, what?  Humans can do that now?  I don’t...wait, she’s involved?  No, no that tracks.”

On the other hand, I am sorely, sorely tempted to use that “begone, THOT” thing, so we’ll see how this goes.

Edited May 25, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

3 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

The governor of Alabama is Kay Ivey, which doesn’t really sound like...oh, I get it, because holly is a plant and ivy is also...yeah, I see what you mean.

I was literally fuckin’ singing the “Holly and the Ivy “ Christmas Carol in my head when I named her. Well, the first verse anyway. Been a good 20 years or so since singing it in school.

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So Heuchler means...oh, that’s good.  I would not have thought to look that up.  The doctor’s name is kind of funny too, like naming a Japanese cop “Officer Keisatsukan.”

*Looks up the Japanese* Heh, exactly! I figured it also worked because most folks’d assume it was just a Polish version of Lucas.

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Ah, so more of a generic Deep South gag than an indicator of him being a monster.

He’s definitely a power hungry controlling POS, but I think even he can change – heck he’s probably gonna make a great parent.

“Son, your pappy used to be a real asshole.”

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I’ll fully admit I stole the Ugly Bastard joke from Gigguk.

Heh, I half wondered if it was a TV Tropes thing. My tiny reference pool showing there!

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I was actually thinking about Lailah’s PoV anyway, because ever since the law went up, I was wondering what the Angel of Conception would think of it.  I mean, on the one hand, if she attaches souls to embryos at conception, she’s probably not usually happy when an abortion happens (since I’d imagine she has to take the soul back and bind it to another embryo), but on the other hand, she’d no doubt be well aware that free will, the ability to choose, is one of the most important traits the Creator gave mortals, so it would likely be as complex an issue for her as it is for us.

But when I read this story, I was thinking like she would be watching all the souls passing from her to their human mothers, and knowing each one.

The Angel Lailah: “Twins, tall for babies and with black hair, to be born to Li Fang in Hangzhou, China.  A beautiful little girl, red haired and with a light dusting of freckles across her cheeks, to be born to Beverly Hayden in Gloucester, England.  A sweet little boy, brown of hair and eyes, to be born to Senator Billy Bob...wait, what?  Humans can do that now?  I don’t...wait, she’s involved?  No, no that tracks.”

On the other hand, I am sorely, sorely tempted to use that “begone, THOT” thing, so we’ll see how this goes. 

Ahh I see, yeah, doing it from Lailah’s point of view would probably make for a pretty interesting/more nuanced take on both the wider politics, the ethics, AND Shannon’s mpreg malarky. After all, she’d know every one of the State Senators involved, too.

 

[JayDee]

Pregnant in Alabama

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@Thundercloud

I checked this story out and generally enjoyed the read even if male pregnancies is really not in my field of interest.

I did consider writing a more detailed crit, but that would require a reread of the chapter and currently I am more in a writing mode so I stop at telling you keep the good work.

Thanks for the review! I hope your writing is going well and you’re getting some kickass stuff down. Or fuckass if it’s porn I guess.

Male pregnancies aren’t really my thing either (and since it’s a male pregnancy that didn’t involve two male characters, or lots of angst it isn’t most of the usual Mpreg fans’ thing either ) Sometimes I just have an idea and find it rights out pretty easily and maybe is funny or sick or whatever enough to be worth the while. Like this one!

I’m still not gonna write an ABDL story though. ...crap, both muses just started laughing.

[JayDee]

An Actor Abducted

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ANON

that was really good

Thank you for your review and kind words! I appreciate the feedback.

[JayDee]

Mike Rapes A Dyke is in a lot of ways the least defensible thing I’ve ever written in terms of themes and content. On the other hand, it gave us Declan who gets a nice minor role in Twinpregnation so maybe it’s not all bad.

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@GeorgeGlass

(Warning: Spoilers below)

Well, I don't think I've ever read a story that so thoroughly justifies the warning/disclaimer at the beginning.

Thank you for this review! It’s always cool getting reviews for the old stuff/

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Seriously, this was sick, demented fun. The thorough characterization of Mike as an utter son of a bitch at the beginning is artful; it kind of reminded me of the way Thomas Harris paints Mason Verger as a bad guy even worse than Hannibal Lecter in Hannibal. The bit about Mike raping and knocking up his sister-in-law, who is then forced to have the baby and pretend that it's her husbands, was the cherry on top of that nasty sundae. 

Michael is one of the biggest pieces of shit I ever wrote. I always intended to do more stories with him, but never got around it. There isn’t really anybody related to him who isn’t a piece of shit either, except for his poor brother and sister in law. At least with decent parents the baby might grow up ok.

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What made the cruelty of this story palatable for me was that Lily is no saint, either. I mean, her punishment vastly exceeds her crime, but at least part of this situation can be blamed on her own bad intent. If she'd been a total innocent, that would have made this harder to read. 

If the girlfriend hadn’t cheated on her she might never have got in that situation. Bad business all round. Lily appeared in a part of a later story having made a deal with a demon to use her inventiveness to punish more minor demons so she’s definitely lacking in some innocence… She definitely didn’t deserve it tho really. I totally get where you’re coming from tho!

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A couple of other, minor comments:

--The "Shire horse" thing made me laugh, and then feel bad for laughing. :).

Haha! Guy’s boasting about his junk there

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--It seemed like I was supposed to know who the "well dressed men" at the end were. Is that a reference to something?

Nah, they’re just Declan’s Irish Mafia associates. Sure they’ll make you an offer ye can’t refuse. It’ll be grand.

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In any case, thanks for a disturbingly fun read.

Thanks for the review! I appreciate it. I’ll re-read Mia’s new part later and post a review for that S’a quality story that one.

[JayDee]

Author’s Note for expanded/merged story to be linked from story:

So here’s the thing. Originally, “The Slumber Party of Evil Doom” and “Blood on the Hay” (BOTH) worked ok as seperate stories, they were a couple chapters each and there wasn’t anything else going on. Then I got to writing more parts, and other stories with the characters and now it feels that Blood on the Hay should be merged with the slumber party as a continuation, with the story as a whole covering the four friends discovering each other’s new natures, and then going after Kate after she ran away in part 2 of Slumber Party.

Since the admin is probably still really busy I have decided to delete it myself and add the existing two chapters myself. This sadly means losing the hit count from BOTH (currently a whopping 2182 hits since the original posting date of 2011-03-24 / later same year for part 2, and sadly also the reviews. Though lost from the archive, they can remain on the forum! I am re-quoting the original four reviews on BOTH in this post - I have responded previously in this thread, but this allows anyone following the link to see them all in one place. Also, thank you again to those of you who reviewed previously. I really appreciate that.

So I am not bumping a story to the top of originals with no new material I’ll also be posting a new chapter today with at least two more to come. (I split one long part into two to keep them both at the 1000 word flashfic limit, and also had another part I already started on.)

I will also be swapping part 4 of the Slumber Party story with part 3 so there’s a natural intermission with Eparlegna’s punishment, Blood on the Hay part 1 and 2 become slumber party part 5 and 6. Per above, this post in this thread is the author’s note explaining it, which I’ll link in the story! I probably won’t get around to going back and editing forum threads or story notes that refer to them as seperate stories any time soon, but I can point anybody who says they’re confused here. Seems unlikely tbh.

The original summary for BOTH “He has bad intentions for the girl sleeping rough in his barn...” may have given some readers entirely the wrong impression. Guffaw. (Edit – although, thinking about it, the fact it got a couple hundred more hits in two chapters than slumber party did for four over roughly the same period absolutely suggests pervs are more willing to take a chance on a story than non-pervs… am I right? :p. Slumber Party currently at 1955 hits!)

Phew. Hope it makes sense. Anyway, those original Blood on the Hay reviews:

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From Thundercloud on February 26, 2019
 

Checked this story out, mostly since there is a reference to the The Slumber Part of Evil Doom characters. I enjoyed the interaction between the characters even through the plot itself is kind of shallow, more like a story fragment than a complete story.

Very good effort to establish the main character for chapter 2, it takes effort to all the good detail you manage to drop into the scene without doing info dumping. On the other hand I think chapter two kind of fades into nothing, somekind of exchange/confrontation with the trio could have made it a more interesting ending.

From InBrightestDay on January 03, 2019

 

 

Normally I plan to review multichapter stories one chapter at a time, but this was very short, so I figured I'd just do the one.

I enjoyed the slow build.  At first, you can almost buy that Jeb is a normal guy who's just concerned about the girl he found in his barn, but we quickly realize that's not the case.  The fun of that entire first chapter, really, is waiting for the inevitable to happen: how long will it take before Jeb discovers he's the prey and not the predator?  I also like the hypocrisy a lot of people like this have.  "Hey!  I might have kidnapped, raped and possibly murdered people...but I'm not gay!"

The second chapter doesn't have much happening, but it's a nice little bit of world building, quickly establishing the situation the town is in as well as the characters of Mack and Sheriff Hanson.  I also like the implication that the girl have become sort of a super team, given the implication that they worked together to find gather all the evidence the cops discovered at Jeb's house.

This isn't really part of the story, but for a moment when you were talking about the girls, I actually thought Lupa was the one who'd said a very loud grace ("Okay, fine, Kizzy, if it's what you want I'll say the most CHRISTIAN GRACE EVER.").  Of course, then I realized that the vampire is obviously the one covering all her skin, so...whoops!

From Snore on March 05, 2016

Somehow I don't feel the least sorry for Jeb. Good story, good job! And quite tame in comparison, I might add.
I like your OCs. Are you amongst others slightly influenced by Quentin Tarantino? I mean your characters, even the small ones, sometimes get an extensive introduction, with background and profundity, only to get casually and quickly (and often brutally) killed off at the end. I know wrong medium but it reminded me and is definitely meant as a compliment! Hope it doesn't turn out that you don't like Tarantino at all. It might not feel like one in that case.:P
Anyway, another story I enjoyed. There's quite a lot to find for a big audience when one is putting some effort to browsing and respects the tags.
 

From ANON - Anon on March 26, 2011

Once again, your signature twist at the end, and another brilliant interpretation of the prompt. I could see Jeb's spittle flying, right up until the end. (Is it bad that I cheered?) Superb! :

...not many people read these non-sex stories – even with the sex in Jude’s Tale it didn’t get a lot of readers, but I enjoy writing them so eh. I’ll never be Stephen King or Jo Rowling and that’s ok

Edited August 26, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

The Slumber Party of Evil Doom

InBrightestDay has kindly reposted the review linked above of what is now parts 5 and 6 of the story. My original reply can be seen here and thank you again for the review. Also a new review of the brand spanking new part 7:

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@InBrightestDay

Chapter 7

I saw part of this in a rough form, but the expanded version is even better!

Thank you for the review. I really do appreciate it. This kind of thing doesn’t really have wide appeal on AFF so it’s nice to see someone likes it besides me getting the enjoyment of writing it.

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The interaction between Shannon and Lupa is great, in both the dramatic and comedic senses.  Lupa's more than a little upset and Shannon just wants to cheer her up, and when standard comfort doesn't work, she tries another way!  Shannon being Shannon, I'm not entirely sure whether she was aiming to make Lupa laugh or acctually trying to seduce her.  Then again, maybe it was a win-win situation: if one of them doesn't work, the other one will!

Thank you! Yeah, it’s definitely win-win for Shannon. I think it was just trying to make Lupa laugh, but if Lupa had actually turned out to be into it Shannon wouldn’t have backed off

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Then the story about Heaven is absolutely hilarious, both because of this:

“Ok. Imagining it. Piles of harps. Some bad hombre like Hartman asking how high you shit.”

That made me grin, partly from the Hartman thing, but mostly just from the fact that of course Lupa would imagine harps playing in Heaven.  I'm not entirely sure where the association between harps and angels came from, but it always amuses me.

Relevation 5:8? Yes, doesn’t say angels but that wouldn’t stop folks making associations with the context! 

Lupa’s got the full “This is my harp. There are many like it, but this one is mine.” mental image for sure.

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“looking into those big brown eyes of hers was so… sexy. And she had a body like...”

Shannon’s hand gestures left neither listener in any doubt as to what she thought the Archangel was like.

I keep imagining her drawing an hourglass in the air or something.

 

Probably closer to that then going “Honk! Honk!” while grasping the air with both hands.

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I looked into Luzurial's eyes and felt the energy flow and my weapon formed. About 9 inches long, fairly thick, rounded tip, surface like soft leather, flaming gently ... Anyway, after a brief pause Luzurial explained I had created a club, a sap, used to render an opponent unconscious with less damage than a sword.

Okay, I got a good chuckle out of this, for two reasons.  First, Shannon is apparently a fan of Saints Row.  Second, it makes me wonder what Luzurial was thinking in that pause.  Was that her sexual naivete, assuming that what Shannon had formed was a sap, or did she realize what Shannon had made and claimed it was a sap so as not to embarrass her in front of her fellow angels?

"Yes, that's a sap.  Male angels, do not correct me on this."

I like the ambiguity of it.

I never actually played any of the Saints Row games! GTA: San Andreas had a dildo weapon tho’ come to think of it and I played that. I don’t think young Chastia had violence in mind when she formed her ‘weapon’ though. As for what Luzurial really thought… I’ll leave you the ambiguity.

Thanks again for the review! The next chapter I am hoping to get up this Sunday or so, it’s mostly done, with less changes/expanding than this got, but I think a couple changes make more sense than what I had. Then hopefully finish it with one or two more chapters to give it, and the original Blood on the Hay, a proper combined ending.

[JayDee]

You!

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retro95boy

Hey I read the You story and it was pretty good

Thank you! Told you you were in it. And it sure is good to see you posting things that aren’t the same request. G’luck with that!

[JayDee]

The Slumber Party of Evil Doom now at 2070 dragon prints and that story that makes people viewing updates on Originals go “Fuckssakes, is that idiot still churning this dreck out?” (I like writing it, but I totally get why it doesn’t exactly get folks raving!) gets a review on the new part!

I think the next part will be the final part. Maybe one more. In which case I’ll do another flashfic first so I don’t have to try to fit week 210’s words in.

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InBrightestDay

As you mentioned, I saw a rough version of this, but there's some new stuff here I really like (and of course I liked the stuff I saw back in the rough version as well).

Thank you for your review! I really appreciate getting them. You’ve stuck through it all, when most have shuddered and hit that back button so hard the mouse cracked. Our lives are too short to waste them reading this kind of thing readers say, and they may be right. We only live once! So thank you for sacrificing a little slice of your slither of eternity on reading and reviewing it! I am glad ya liked it.

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First, Shannon's declaration of what's going to happen is pretty hilarious, and Lupa's reaction only enhances it. 

Thanks! Little does Lupa know she’s got years of that to look forward to.

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The clothes-shifting visual is cool too, and feels like the kind of thing a succubus would naturally have access to.

Shannon had the ability in Fucking Halloween Party so I figured she could get an “earlier in timeline” show off here!

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I do have to ask, though, given my limited grasp of Spanish:

“¡A la verga!” Lupa swore, “Your clothes!”

What does that mean?

It’s a robust genital related expression of shock/surprise/excitement, used much like “holy fuck” or “oh fuck”.

And this from a girl who can move really fast, turn into mist and mesmerise people.

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Something you added for this final version that I liked was Shannon warning Kizzy not to touch anything.  It's both a nice gesture as a friend and a way of foreshadowing what happens when she does use her powers in the barn.

Shannon is a really decent friend for a demon! I figured she probably didn’t think about it earlier because she had the assumption they would all be there and she’d do the business with her existing location gimmick built into the bracelet. Then suddenly Kizzy is going in alone and it clicks.

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The concept of the seraph reacting badly to all the death and pain in the barn is a great idea, and one that feels very natural, given how much of an alien being she really is.  Her upset makes sense too, since she just went from "I understand suffering on an abstract level," past "I understand on a deeper level" to "I just experienced it."

This was the bit I wasn’t sure would work of course, hence sending you the original rough draft. It ties back in to why Kizzy is on Earth in the first place, because the Seraphim need to understand rather than just know. She’s tough though. She’ll be right.

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Of course...

“She’s gotta know some suffering! She was an evangelical black Trekkie in a really fuckin’ white high school,” Lupa shot back.

That's still funny.  It also reveals a nice aspect of Shannon's character, how even without their knowledge, she's been looking out for her friends.

Course she would! I mean, she turns up and basically goes “most popular girl in school!” and, yes, ok, she did send a cheerleader’s soul to Hell to get a spot on the team, but that Charity kind of had it coming, but even being super popular because of what a people person she is, she would still look out for the friends she made on her first day, who ended up her closest friends. I bet Kate and Lupa and Kiz would defend their friends with whatever other folks they hung out with too, if Shannon wasn’t there to jolly people along into being nice, and maybe engage in sexual experimentation.

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Finally, I do have a question about this:

The Sheriff's truck was there, but she couldn’t see either officer. After a moment she heard a groan from inside the farmhouse.  Not one of pain.

So, did Shannon run those two guys over to the farmhouse and have the quickest threesome in the world or something?

“Shannon created a temporal fold of pure lust where time moved more slowly...” No, I kid, I kid. Shannon would have thoroughly enjoyed a threesome, as noted with her thoughts in the last part, but time was a factor both generally for tracking Kate, and also because of her last minute worry about Kizzy. So she basically persuaded them, with a good dose of succubus lust that there was nothing wrong with the feelings they had been suppressing for each other, and that they weren’t at the farm to make trouble and would be leaving shortly. Normally, of course, the Sherriff wouldn’t buy it, and the Deputy definitely wouldn’t, but somehow their hands were inside each other’s coats, and there was a bed inside the farmhouse, and, well, they were obviously good girls. They’d said Grace. And Shannon worked fast, but not fast enough, and once again a friend got hurt. She probably felt that.

Anyway, thank you for your review! How you manage to keep making it through this stuff…

Edited September 11, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Twinpregnation by far my most popular story of the last two years at 7705 hits and now a 7^th review! Not bad for a re-write from an even briefer story I did a decade ago. Done a lot better than originals like Pregnant in Alabama anyway, although that one did amusingly rile up some folks over on literotica.

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ANON - joseph
nice intro with a smooth transition to the main characters. compact but felt realistic. glad there was not a subplot. bit brief but nice feel to story.

Thank you for your review! I want to say I appreciate you taking the time to leave some thoughts and for being so positive about it. Absolutely understand about it being a bit brief, If I had the talent I’d do another dozen chapters! 

Taking out the subplot from the first version has definitely seemed to have a positive impact on the story, which just goes to show that not everything is improved by including a werewolf.

Thanks again!

[JayDee]

The Slumber Party of Evil Doom has two reviews from @Thundercloud! Thank you! I see you’ve got the new part of Carmen Elisa Needs to Die up too, so I will hopefully get that read and reviewed tomorrow or tuesday! (I’ve been looking forward to the next part!)

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Checked the new chapters 7 and 8 and I think the merge of the stories was a good idea. Having the events of Blood in the Hay together with the rest of the slumber party story gives a much easier reading order.
 

Thank you! That’s very much the hope, so I am glad it works out. I really have no idea now why I didn’t link them originally, beyond a suspicion that I liked the original description/title.

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Chapter 7 gives more chance to get sense of the characters. One thing that left me curious was what kind of clothes Lupa is really wearing. Shannon reflects on this, but we are not given any details so I cannot keep wondering how she gets away with clothes totally covering her. I suppose it is not Buffy style blankets...
 

Since she’s dead she doesn’t get bothered by the heat, so she has a thick underlayer similar to a wetsuit under jeans and a heavy over-sized hooded sweatshirt, and gloves, and sometimes she’ll wear something pulled over her lower face too. I figure there’s something supernatural in it where she can withstand indirect sunlight in some way, because otherwise the moonlight would also mess her up. On heavily clouded days also she’s probably having less issues.

Spike running about under those blankets was always a classic.

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The exchange between Lupa and Shannon about her heavenily weapon was really good. The outcome was kind of given directly when we learn that Shannon had problem forming her weapon, but it was still a very good read. Lupas complaint afterward was pretty golden.

Thank you! If I ever get around to finishing The Fall of Chastia then I might get to write her as an angel with her sword out.

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I checked chapter 8 and you obviously have to work hard to keep the NoSex tag in place considering what Shannon was planing to do off screen. I agree about keeping the tag in place since so many chapters without anything sexual happening would risk making the readers disappointed. On the other hand it would be nice if we get a PWP spinoff when we learn what Shannon did to the two sherifs. 

I do have a PWP in mind about their wedding, where Shannon goes back to see how the relationship turned out and ends up spending the wedding night with them. Multitasking to get both of them off at once, leaving in the morning with a cheerful “Congratulations on the pregnancy!” and so on. Thing is, I am still going through my writing dry spell and getting things down is proving hard going.

There is absolutely an issue with NoSex not being so well liked by some of the readers here – in a fanfiction setting I think it’s less of an issue because some folks are just happy to read about their favorite characters, but something as bitty and disjointed as this it makes it a much less tempting proposition for many readers. For me, I have the fun writing and working in the prompts (with the original part being literally inspiried by the prompt) and if people give it a chance they’ll find the occasional amusing line or decent idea or phrasing.

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I considered to make it a joint review with the review of chapter 7, but there is actually some real plot development her despite the flash fic format. This made me decide that it deserverd a review of its own. I like how you work hard to make Lupa have distinctive voice with her own language thrown into the dialouge.

Thanks! Lupa doesn’t always swear so much, she’s just had a bit of a stressful time.

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The events happnening when they entered the barn was interesting. I am kind of surprised that Kizzy has not gotten involved in such bad stuff earlier. I have assumed she has been growing up as Kizzy, but maybe she did not have much field work before this?

The idea here is that Kizzy has only been on Earth for a relatively tiny while, and there’s not a lot of suffering in the various human memories built into the persona. When she was up in paradise with the other Seraphim she had a multiversal high-level overview and utterly minimal, if at all, direct contact with mortals or even the Angels and Archangels who work so closely amongst them. She knew that mortals had suffering, she knew that the machinations of themselves and various demons made this suffering worse or better, but she had never had any direct contact with it. The idea is knowing something is different to truly understanding it. She always had the compassion, and at a high level felt for those suffering, but in a sense never understood individual senses of it. Nobody had ever hurt or scared her.

Once she was on Earth because she was hiding completely her inhuman nature she didn’t use her touch to get emotional reading or get any other direct senses of true suffering, nothing beyond what her borrowed memories would make seem normal, and Shannon stopped her getting bullied by sheer force of being nice on her behalf, since they’d become friends on their first days at the school.

So that, very poorly explained, is the idea behind it. Kizzy is on Earth and she is learning, and understanding, and when she comes face to face with a certain Archange she’ll have some real idea of what her insistance on not sending aid and prohibiting any angel from helping did. Perhaps she may never feel worthy to return to her creator’s presence.

Thank you again for the reviews! I really appreciate them.

[Thundercloud]

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

The Slumber Party of Evil Doom has two reviews from @Thundercloud! Thank you! I see you’ve got the new part of Carmen Elisa Needs to Die up too, so I will hopefully get that read and reviewed tomorrow or tuesday! (I’ve been looking forward to the next part!)

I was a great relief to post it...self editing is a drag. Must have taken me an extra half year to get it done. The plus side is that there are plenty more on queue to get finished now.

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

Since she’s dead she doesn’t get bothered by the heat, so she has a thick underlayer similar to a wetsuit under jeans and a heavy over-sized hooded sweatshirt, and gloves, and sometimes she’ll wear something pulled over her lower face too. I figure there’s something supernatural in it where she can withstand indirect sunlight in some way, because otherwise the moonlight would also mess her up. On heavily clouded days also she’s probably having less issues.

I was more coming from the show, don’t tell angle. Getting some details about how she actually dress at that scene when Shannon is thinking about how Lupa dress.

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

I do have a PWP in mind about their wedding, where Shannon goes back to see how the relationship turned out and ends up spending the wedding night with them. Multitasking to get both of them off at once, leaving in the morning with a cheerful “Congratulations on the pregnancy!” and so on. Thing is, I am still going through my writing dry spell and getting things down is proving hard going.

I sound like a great story idea that will work really well when your dry spell is over.

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

There is absolutely an issue with NoSex not being so well liked by some of the readers here – in a fanfiction setting I think it’s less of an issue because some folks are just happy to read about their favorite characters, but something as bitty and disjointed as this it makes it a much less tempting proposition for many readers. For me, I have the fun writing and working in the prompts (with the original part being literally inspiried by the prompt) and if people give it a chance they’ll find the occasional amusing line or decent idea or phrasing.

I think your successful use of the prompts is very entertaining. From my point of view NoSex is not really a problem if the story is good enough...except those cases when you in NoSex story happen to get the perfect setup for sexscene. I am so looking forward to the upcoming PWP...

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

The idea here is that Kizzy has only been on Earth for a relatively tiny while, and there’s not a lot of suffering in the various human memories built into the persona. When she was up in paradise with the other Seraphim she had a multiversal high-level overview and utterly minimal, if at all, direct contact with mortals or even the Angels and Archangels who work so closely amongst them. She knew that mortals had suffering, she knew that the machinations of themselves and various demons made this suffering worse or better, but she had never had any direct contact with it. The idea is knowing something is different to truly understanding it. She always had the compassion, and at a high level felt for those suffering, but in a sense never understood individual senses of it. Nobody had ever hurt or scared her.

Once she was on Earth because she was hiding completely her inhuman nature she didn’t use her touch to get emotional reading or get any other direct senses of true suffering, nothing beyond what her borrowed memories would make seem normal, and Shannon stopped her getting bullied by sheer force of being nice on her behalf, since they’d become friends on their first days at the school.

So that, very poorly explained, is the idea behind it. Kizzy is on Earth and she is learning, and understanding, and when she comes face to face with a certain Archange she’ll have some real idea of what her insistance on not sending aid and prohibiting any angel from helping did. Perhaps she may never feel worthy to return to her creator’s presence.

I think the idea of her not understanding is fine and you wrote it well. The thing that made me pause was more that I have not really thought about how old her cover persona is. I had kind of assumed Kizzy had been undercover for a while but this chapter suddenly made me realize her “mission” is new if she ever has gotten on a murder scene. I might have missed it but if there ever was an explanation about why Kizzy is down in the mortal world at this particular time I have not seen it. 

[JayDee]

7 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I was a great relief to post it...self editing is a drag. Must have taken me an extra half year to get it done. The plus side is that there are plenty more on queue to get finished now.
 

I’ve read and reviewed! It was a great relief to read it! :p

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I was more coming from the show, don’t tell angle. Getting some details about how she actually dress at that scene when Shannon is thinking about how Lupa dress.

I guess I got hit by that 1000 word flashfic word limit again. At one point I’d thought of doing a shortstory chapter but I ended up splitting it into the two 1000 chapters instead. Absolutely could have used more showing though – although Shannon finds just about anyone’s sense of dress hot – barely anything? that’s hot to her! completely covered? also hot. About the only thing that turns her off is socks with sandals. Maybe.

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I sound like a great story idea that will work really well when your dry spell is over.

I think your successful use of the prompts is very entertaining. From my point of view NoSex is not really a problem if the story is good enough...except those cases when you in NoSex story happen to get the perfect setup for sexscene. I am so looking forward to the upcoming PWP...

Don’t look forward to it! It may well never happen! But Shannon and wedding-night-sherriff-deputy would be a hot story. I’ll see what I can do!

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I think the idea of her not understanding is fine and you wrote it well. The thing that made me pause was more that I have not really thought about how old her cover persona is. I had kind of assumed Kizzy had been undercover for a while but this chapter suddenly made me realize her “mission” is new if she ever has gotten on a murder scene. I might have missed it but if there ever was an explanation about why Kizzy is down in the mortal world at this particular time I have not seen it. 

It’s covered a little in parts one and two, but not a lot of detail – Kizzy was pretending to be entirely mortal to get close to an evil supernatural killer who could sense and stay away from an angelic force. Now, since this was the kind of job any run of the mill angel could do rather than a Seraph then it seems her creator had another reason for selecting Kizurial to go and live amongst mortals. Since she chooses not to send Shannon back to Hell, she then initially stays around to help with her atonement while coming to terms with the fact that she actually has something to atone for herself. I have a story roughly planned under a working title of All Apologies (which I will change, since that’s a Nirvana song) set after Jude’s Tale where she works through a lot of this stuff.

Anyway, since Kizzy was hiding her angelic nature completely she wasn’t able to use any of her supernatural powers until the supernatural threat was destroyed at the end of the first part of the story when she used her sword on him. So until then she would only witness occasions of suffering without feeling them in the same way she did when she opened herself to the energy in the barn – I actually have an idea that she was at a murder scene while stiill undercover and felt compassion for the victim, for the killer who did it to him, but couldn’t really understand how the victim had suffered, and tried to work it through from her high-Seraph perspective and also the memories that she used for her Kizzy persona.

I dunno. I’ll see how it goes. I might never write again as I always say! Thanks again for the review and as always for making me think about the ideas and concepts.

[Thundercloud]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

I guess I got hit by that 1000 word flashfic word limit again. At one point I’d thought of doing a shortstory chapter but I ended up splitting it into the two 1000 chapters instead. Absolutely could have used more showing though – although Shannon finds just about anyone’s sense of dress hot – barely anything? that’s hot to her! completely covered? also hot. About the only thing that turns her off is socks with sandals. Maybe.

I just got this imagine in my head of Shannon talking about this great sex she just had and then complaining about it all ending with her looking at socks with sandals.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Don’t look forward to it! It may well never happen! But Shannon and wedding-night-sherriff-deputy would be a hot story. I’ll see what I can do!

Of course I can look forward to it even if it does not happen...if it happen or not of course depends if the muses align properly for you.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

It’s covered a little in parts one and two, but not a lot of detail – Kizzy was pretending to be entirely mortal to get close to an evil supernatural killer who could sense and stay away from an angelic force. Now, since this was the kind of job any run of the mill angel could do rather than a Seraph then it seems her creator had another reason for selecting Kizurial to go and live amongst mortals. Since she chooses not to send Shannon back to Hell, she then initially stays around to help with her atonement while coming to terms with the fact that she actually has something to atone for herself. I have a story roughly planned under a working title of All Apologies (which I will change, since that’s a Nirvana song) set after Jude’s Tale where she works through a lot of this stuff.

Makes sense, but I also think there might be reasons the creator sent her on this mission that she does not know herself...and you have not decided yet.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Anyway, since Kizzy was hiding her angelic nature completely she wasn’t able to use any of her supernatural powers until the supernatural threat was destroyed at the end of the first part of the story when she used her sword on him. So until then she would only witness occasions of suffering without feeling them in the same way she did when she opened herself to the energy in the barn – I actually have an idea that she was at a murder scene while stiill undercover and felt compassion for the victim, for the killer who did it to him, but couldn’t really understand how the victim had suffered, and tried to work it through from her high-Seraph perspective and also the memories that she used for her Kizzy persona.

Sounds like a story concept that is promising, but you will need more stuff for it to be a working story.

[JayDee]

6 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Makes sense, but I also think there might be reasons the creator sent her on this mission that she does not know herself...and you have not decided yet.

Almost certainly! At least we can be fairly sure that the creator didn’t just send her out for a pack of smokes and a sports paper.

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Sounds like a story concept that is promising, but you will need more stuff for it to be a working story.

Grizzly cops with just one day until retirement! An obviously guilty party who turns out to be innocent and a seemingly innocent freckled brunette girl who turns out to eat people! Ahh I got nothing but cliches. But at least at this stage nobody expects a workable story from me.

[Thundercloud]

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

Grizzly cops with just one day until retirement! An obviously guilty party who turns out to be innocent and a seemingly innocent freckled brunette girl who turns out to eat people! Ahh I got nothing but cliches. But at least at this stage nobody expects a workable story from me.

We have to settle for the good entertainment value of your writing then...the nasty thing about writing is that we are never better than your latest round of mistakes. It is not like the crowd of people that will scroll back years of posted stories of AFF to see if there was a hidden gem there. On the upside the value of what you write does not get less because for instance @InBrightestDay wrote something even more awesome using your material as basis. Then suddenly you review somebody that return the favor and become a fan and start to dig through your backlog of stories to find what is so-so, good or simply awesome.

About your pile of cliches...you are also remarkable good at making use of those cliches within the flashfic format. As a writer of somewhat long pieces I would argue that the reason I write so long chapters is that it takes lots of text to cover the ground if you are nor making good use of cliches. If you go for flashfic then you need make lots of use of those cliches to get it to work. A typical case how you need to learn to stop worring and love the cliche...

 

[JayDee]

That’s a positive way to look at things!

[JayDee]

The Slumber Party of Evil Doom now at  2175 hits! I did think I might end with the current chapter, before deciding it was more fitting to finish off with them having a slumber party. I don’t think I can do it with the next week’s prompts, but I might try. Otherwise, a final chapter at a slumber party to finish it all off.

For now, a review!

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  @InBrightestDay

This was really nice!  We don't really see things from Kate's PoV much, so getting this whole chapter was great.

Thank you for this and for the review! Yes, I think this was the first time I’ve done one trying to write her perspective. If I manage to salvage that reststop story by making it about Kate as you suggested I guess we’ll get a little more of her POV! And if I ever write that first person story I! we’ll get more too

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Of course...

Lupa held up open palms, "Can we not do the fucking vampire vs werewolf thing? I don't have Beckinsale's body for the catsuits and I don't want to get split like a wishbone if you're stronger than me… I'm so glad Shannon didn't hear me say that."

Lupa's vampire humor remains on point.

Absolutely had to reference the vampire vs werewolf trope there, and Lupa’s self-image problem seemed a touch point that was also in character. The wishbone bit entirely inspired by the prompt, so nice to actually get a prompting.

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I actually forgot that Kate was supposed to be tall.  It's kind of funny, especially with the joke about how nobody's clothes fit her.  Even so, the fact that everyone else pitched in to assemble an outfit for her does reinforce the friendship these girls share.

I went back to see if I’d given much indication of her height and it’s never really very clear, so I figured if Kizzy and Lupa are fairly short and Shannon’s a bit taller then them, Kate could be the tallest. It’d look better with that half-changed bipedal wolf form too if she’s got a hulking monstrous air to her. For the outfit I totally wanted to call back to her leaving her slippers behind referenced in an earlier chapter, but couldn’t come up with a Cinderella gag in the end.

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"I was never a little girl. I have some childhood memories but they aren't mine, and Katie didn't go to church."

Wolfwere status confirmed!

I had the thought originally as a throwaway gag in You! and it just seemed to work. In another universe she and Katie went down to LA, but something happened to Katie and Kate ended up homeless but liking the city and human music too much to go back tothe wilderness. In this one when Katie goes down to LA, Kate ends up sticking around.

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Also, my favorite joke in literally the entire story...

"Hi, Shannon! I smelled your car with my wolf nose. That back seat has seen a lot of action huh?"

Lupa shuddered, "…have to burn these fucking clothes."

There is nothing I can add to that.

Heh, thanks! I like the implication that because the car has no hiding wards or anything that wasn’t Shannon doing the succubus soul sucking, that was just her having some gratutious sex. I guess Lupa gets over her reaction as she ends up living at Shannon’s house which has surely seen even more action than the car… Still good for a gag here though!

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The Brian Blessed reference was both funny and touched on something I've thought about before as part of how Lupa would explain angels.  Specifically, she could explain them as some sort of advanced extradimensional alien, so the hawkmen reference felt appropriate.  Brian Blessed has to be the opposite of Kizzy in terms of personality, though.

“SHANNON’S ALIVE?”

Yes. Kizzy is much less shouty. I guess at some point Lupa will accept the angels and creator, but keep it up as a gentle rib on Kizzy.

“...Paradise? This looks like a barn to me. Filthy hay, rotten vegetables.”

“We’ll have no The Last Battle references here. Now try and look noble before Temira gets suspicious, while i open the way for you and Kate to the next universe.”

Thank you again for the review. I appreciate the heck out of it.

[InBrightestDay]

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

“SHANNON’S ALIVE?”

Damn it, JayDee!  I almost spat my drink all over my computer!

Making it even funnier is the fact that when you referenced Blessed in that movie, that was exactly the line that sprang to mind.

If I ever do that giant crossover, I’m definitely having Lupa say something about that and “GORDON’S ALIVE?” will be the first words out of Abdul’s mouth.

Calista: “Dude, you have to stop referencing movies over a hundred years old.”

Abdul: “I don’t have to do anything!”

Kate: “Movies over a hundred years old?”

Kevin: “We’re from the future.”

[JayDee]

18 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Damn it, JayDee!  I almost spat my drink all over my computer!

Making it even funnier is the fact that when you referenced Blessed in that movie, that was exactly the line that sprang to mind.

If I ever do that giant crossover, I’m definitely having Lupa say something about that and “GORDON’S ALIVE?” will be the first words out of Abdul’s mouth.

Calista: “Dude, you have to stop referencing movies over a hundred years old.”

Abdul: “I don’t have to do anything!”

Kate: “Movies over a hundred years old?”

Kevin: “We’re from the future.”

Heh, I’m a danger to computers everywhere! I had that line in mind when I wrote the reference -absolutely iconic line! – I had an idea of Kate and Lupa trying to get Kizzy to say “Gordon’s Alive!” a buncha times. Kizzy likes sci fi, she’d be down with it.

Then they see Shannon’s wings and suddenly it’s “Now you say “I’m Batwoman!” in a deep raspy voice.”

Abdul oughta do what he’s told :p - Calista can make weapons that hurt demon testicles.

Kate: “The Future? Am I dead yet?”

Luzurial: “Ye-”

Kevin: “You’re on a farm upstate.”

New review for The Slumber Party of Evil Doom

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@Thundercloud

I checked chapter 9 of the story and found it to be a very worthwhile read. Your slumber-verse world is very much a case when the sum is greater than the individual parts. The interaction between the characters does not bring and great revalations about the characters but rounds them out nicely.

Thanks for the review! I Appreciate the heck out of receiving it. I totally get what you mean – it fits in with why I combined the Blood on the Hay chapters with the main story, because it works better as one ongoing story but some of the individual chapters are vert fragmented on their own, and then the little character notes play in with the other stories a little better.

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I am not really into Scooby Doo so I didn't understand the quote until I came to the end. On thee other hand I very much enjoyed the exchange about Shannon's car and what Lupa plands to do when she learns the details.

Zoinks! Like, I didn’t think about people not knowing Scoob! I guess I’m not so into it these days but I liked the cartoons as a kid. Heh, yeah, that joke about the car might actually be the best in the story. Shannon has only been on Earth a relatively short time but she has been busy. No doubt reported it back to Hell as “Research” for possible souls to claim.

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Speaking about the prompts it is obvious english is a language with lots of word...the prompts often leave me looking for a wordlist. In this case it was wattle that I am quite sure I never have scene before in an actual text. I tried to use wikipedia to find the swedish equivalent of the word and ends of on a wikipedia page for the same thing but realize I am equal stranger to one of the Swedish words for wattle. :-) At least I knew one of words...but thank your for pushing the boundaries of my word knowledge.

Wattle is definitely archaic. There was a type of structure known as “Wattle and Daub” which used animal shit to bind it together. I’d imagine there was something similar in most languages at some point, but it’s probably not too common in most of them. The next three prompts I’ve never heard and will have a tough time using a couple of them. It’s really Demongoddess who needs the thanks – she posted the forum prompts!

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The ending of the chapter about a certain phrase connected to the image with flaming sword had my litterally break down in laugther just like characters. A great way to end the chapter.

Thanks again! And yeah, I was chuckling myself at a mental image of a wolf haring along, ears back, head down, and an angel flying along with the sword still out shouting peaceful messages.

I see you’ve got a new story up – it sounds a little different and interesting. The last Scandinavian tale I heard was “Finding my way out of Ikea before the meatballs drag me back,” which was a little cliche’d so I’m up for something original. I’m really busy this week but I’ll try and get it read and reviewed! Gotta put a little time aside to read 6000+ words, though less than it takes to write

[Thundercloud]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Zoinks! Like, I didn’t think about people not knowing Scoob! I guess I’m not so into it these days but I liked the cartoons as a kid.

Well...I most certainly know of the characters after seeing the show a few times but mostly I found the show forgettable. Probably like my subconsciousness worked hard to remove all memories of the sillyness of the dog and that Shaggy character.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Heh, yeah, that joke about the car might actually be the best in the story. Shannon has only been on Earth a relatively short time but she has been busy. No doubt reported it back to Hell as “Research” for possible souls to claim.

Speaking about things we have been talking about recently...in what story is Shannon’s mission on earth explained?

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Wattle is definitely archaic. There was a type of structure known as “Wattle and Daub” which used animal shit to bind it together. I’d imagine there was something similar in most languages at some point, but it’s probably not too common in most of them. The next three prompts I’ve never heard and will have a tough time using a couple of them. It’s really Demongoddess who needs the thanks – she posted the forum prompts!

I think it is a magnitude harder to make use of archaic words than to find them in the dictionary so even while Demongoddess contribution is kind of essential for there to be a prompt in the first place I think you deserve serious credit for the making use of the words.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Thanks again! And yeah, I was chuckling myself at a mental image of a wolf haring along, ears back, head down, and an angel flying along with the sword still out shouting peaceful messages.

Maybe you could  do a bit more original stories with aliens. There should be plenty of room for jokes is such stories...and tentacles.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

I see you’ve got a new story up – it sounds a little different and interesting. The last Scandinavian tale I heard was “Finding my way out of Ikea before the meatballs drag me back,” which was a little cliche’d so I’m up for something original.

I can so relate with trying to escape Ikea. Had a relative that went there with his grandchild...when the kid suddenly decided she had to hug every soft thing there and it turns out there quite a lot pillows on a Ikea store. He spent literally hours before he got them outside. In my family our kid love the meatballs and my wife start to talk about blood murder if we are at Ikea too long.

[JayDee]

8 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Well...I most certainly know of the characters after seeing the show a few times but mostly I found the show forgettable. Probably like my subconsciousness worked hard to remove all memories of the sillyness of the dog and that Shaggy character.

I can kind of relate. I wanted to forget Scrappy Doo and his p-p-puppy power.

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Speaking about things we have been talking about recently...in what story is Shannon’s mission on earth explained?

Part one of this one!

As a minor demon in Hell’s legions, she had seen a whole lot worse. In fact, she had done a whole lot worse. Bored after centuries with the torture of the ‘slightly too evil for purgatory’, she had asked to become a Succubus. She was told she would have to snare the souls of those overcome by sinful lust, the willing adulterers and those of a thousand other crimes of the passionate flesh. 

Shannon’s version of torture was a little different to everyone elses, and basically involved a lot of sex to distract souls from finding redemption and moving on from Hell. She also did the admin for all the suicides, with people who kill themselves after an evil life went to other areas of Hell, like old Adolph. Anyway, where first crack at snaring a soul by sinful lust as a Succubus was told in Corrupt the Midwife where she pretended to be Irish after tips from a friend and failed to get her target to be sinful at all, managing only to engender healthy lust. 50 years later she got sent up as a cheerleader type into a society that has elements which fetishise cheerleaders to make it easier. Jude’s Tale also had extra info that she had been working as a succubus for The Duchess who appears there, and that story’s events came about at least partly because she was upset Shannon had abandoned her mission to find redemption and work with Kizzy.

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I think it is a magnitude harder to make use of archaic words than to find them in the dictionary so even while Demongoddess contribution is kind of essential for there to be a prompt in the first place I think you deserve serious credit for the making use of the words.

Well. thanks! Some of the other prompt fics users have written over the years have been very inventive too. BronxWench and Pittwitch both consistently used them really well, amongst others.

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Maybe you could  do a bit more original stories with aliens. There should be plenty of room for jokes is such stories...and tentacles.

“Dear god! A horrific tentacle monster!”

“That’s my ship’s cook, Layla. Don’t be so hurtful!”

Layla, crying into her tentacles: “I’m I’m… not horrific. I’m a nice girl! Souffle is HARD!”

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I can so relate with trying to escape Ikea. Had a relative that went there with his grandchild...when the kid suddenly decided she had to hug every soft thing there and it turns out there quite a lot pillows on a Ikea store. He spent literally hours before he got them outside. In my family our kid love the meatballs and my wife start to talk about blood murder if we are at Ikea too long.

The horror is real and crosses cultural barriers. I mean, I’ve had that urge to hug every soft thing in there too.

SCP-3008 is terrifyingly plausable.

 

[Thundercloud]

On 10/9/2019 at 6:37 AM, JayDee said:

I can kind of relate. I wanted to forget Scrappy Doo and his p-p-puppy power.

Lol...I suddenly realize that I actually had succeeded into forgotten Scrappy Doo...until you reminded me.

On 10/9/2019 at 6:37 AM, JayDee said:

Part one of this one!

As a minor demon in Hell’s legions, she had seen a whole lot worse. In fact, she had done a whole lot worse. Bored after centuries with the torture of the ‘slightly too evil for purgatory’, she had asked to become a Succubus. She was told she would have to snare the souls of those overcome by sinful lust, the willing adulterers and those of a thousand other crimes of the passionate flesh. 

Shannon’s version of torture was a little different to everyone elses, and basically involved a lot of sex to distract souls from finding redemption and moving on from Hell. She also did the admin for all the suicides, with people who kill themselves after an evil life went to other areas of Hell, like old Adolph. Anyway, where first crack at snaring a soul by sinful lust as a Succubus was told in Corrupt the Midwife where she pretended to be Irish after tips from a friend and failed to get her target to be sinful at all, managing only to engender healthy lust. 50 years later she got sent up as a cheerleader type into a society that has elements which fetishise cheerleaders to make it easier. Jude’s Tale also had extra info that she had been working as a succubus for The Duchess who appears there, and that story’s events came about at least partly because she was upset Shannon had abandoned her mission to find redemption and work with Kizzy.

Thank you for the answer. I don’t think I have read Corrupt the Midwife.

On 10/9/2019 at 6:37 AM, JayDee said:

“Dear god! A horrific tentacle monster!”

“That’s my ship’s cook, Layla. Don’t be so hurtful!”

Layla, crying into her tentacles: “I’m I’m… not horrific. I’m a nice girl! Souffle is HARD!”

*smiles*

On 10/9/2019 at 6:37 AM, JayDee said:

The horror is real and crosses cultural barriers. I mean, I’ve had that urge to hug every soft thing in there too.

SCP-3008 is terrifyingly plausable.

Very plausbile.

[JayDee]

19 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Lol...I suddenly realize that I actually had succeeded into forgotten Scrappy Doo...until you reminded me.

...misery loves company! No, but sincere apologies for reminding you

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Thank you for the answer. I don’t think I have read Corrupt the Midwife.

No worries! And honestly, Shannon’s role is really quite small in it with most of the chapters focussing on the TV show’s characters so it’s not especially worth seeking out