JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[Thundercloud]

17 hours ago, JayDee said:

I’d argue there are some movies that tell the different characters paths in the same film – Pulp Fiction for one – but, yes, Part 3 does go firmly away from Slumber Party territory so I totally see what you mean.

Please note that I don’t necessarily mean the off scene chapter 3 as a bad thing, but I thought it worth to mention since a casual reader might not realize you will return to the slumber party.

Speaking about something else...why did you decide that Lupa would be the vampire and not the werewolf?

When you do Lupas story you need to do something about the name...

[JayDee]

6 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Please note that I don’t necessarily mean the off scene chapter 3 as a bad thing, but I thought it worth to mention since a casual reader might not realize you will return to the slumber party.

I’ll leave it as a nice surprise for them!

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Speaking about something else...why did you decide that Lupa would be the vampire and not the werewolf?

When you do Lupas story you need to do something about the name...

It’s a few years since I did it, but I’m fairly certain it’s to do with how really simple things amuse me sometimes, like if there’s four girls, one of them’s a werewolf and it’s not the one with the name meaning she-wolf.

In story when Lupa’s parents named her they had no idea she would one day be a vampire who had a werewolf friend. They just wanted an alliterative first and last name as a homage to some of the comics they read, and Lupa’s the one they chose. Possibly she had a relative of the same name, or it had some additional meaning to her parents – if I do write the story I can come up with it then

 

[InBrightestDay]

11 hours ago, JayDee said:

And, yes, the fact that Kizzy was set up with a foster parent who would constantly remind her of what had happened may well have been intentional. I’ve kind of got an idea it was the ol’ Angel of Death himself she had help her construct her human identity.

Kizurial: “You do realize who Shondra Jackson is, do you not?”

Azrael:  “...No.  Not at all.  Should I?”

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The two universes have a lot of the same people, and some only on one or the other and roughly similar overall histories – both have Americas with Los Angles etc. The other universe had the brutal impossible to ignore public assault of Eparlegna, this one gets the creeping horror of Sarsa. There’s a Kate on both Earths, but Lupa’s parents never met on the Whore of Heaven Earth, and yet history tends to find ways to happen much the same anyway in the long run.

That’s actually kind of a staple of parallel realities; they can be extremely similar, save for a few small changes.

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Lupa’s “It’s a mystery” in reply to Shannon’s musing about her nature was also meant to be a little funny (along with Shannon possibly purposely missing the point). Swing and a miss I guess

Actually that is pretty funny.  I just somehow didn’t see it while reading.

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I feel it also helps suggest that there was a proper reason for Shannon’s drives and inclinations rather than The Creator just messing with her.

Time for me to get nerdy.  There’s a Dungeons & Dragons 3^rd Edition supplement called the Book of Exalted Deeds, and it was a supplement for noble heroes, just as its counterpart, the Book of Vile Darkness, was for DMs to design particularly nasty villains (that second one gets a little edgelordy at points).  At any rate, the reason I bring it up is that BoED contains some minor Good deities, and one of them is Lastai, “the goddess of pleasure, love and passion.”  Lastai teaches that sexual pleasure is meant to be enjoyed, but with none of the malign elements that evil beings might add on.

While there are sins associated with sex (adultery, abuse, rape) sex itself isn’t sinful, and I imagine that Chastia and others like her may have been meant to be more like Lastai: envoys of sexual intimacy as an expression of love and affection without any form of abuse or cruelty.  It would explain both Shannon’s intense enjoyment of sex and her bubbly personality and kindness to those around her.

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and the fact that she knows her creator is not sadistic (it’s a fictional universe, can’t apply it to this real world I kid! I kid! Well, kinda...)

I mean, I get it, nobody knows anything about God; faith wouldn’t be a thing if everyone just knew, but I do think that a sadistic monotheistic deity, while potentially consistent with the letter of the sacred texts, is inconsistent with their spirit.

Edited April 13, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

22 minutes ago, InBrightestDay said:

Kizurial: “You do realize who Shondra Jackson is, do you not?”

Azrael:  “...No.  Not at all.  Should I?”

Haha!

Azrael (to himself): “Think I got away with it… fly casual….”

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That’s actually kind of a staple of parallel realities; they can be extremely similar, save for a few small changes.

Yeah, in this case I’ve gone with it because it’s too much effort to establish them as majorly different before the current time!

Dead Soul 1: “On my Earth I was slaughtered by an Id Construct summoned by this demon, Eparlegna.”

Dead Soul 2: *Too traumatized by reading the epic “Sarsa’s Mpreg Adventures” to respond*

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Actually that is pretty funny.  I just somehow didn’t see it while reading.

No worries! Thanks!

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Time for me to get nerdy.  There’s a Dungeons & Dragons 3^rd Edition supplement called the Book of Exalted Deeds, and it was a supplement for noble heroes, just as its counterpart, the Book of Vile Darkness, was for DMs to design particularly nasty villains (that second one gets a little edgelordy at points).  At any rate, the reason I bring it up is that BoED contains some minor Good deities, and one of them is Lastai, “the goddess of pleasure, love and passion.”  Lastai teaches that sexual pleasure is meant to be enjoyed, but with none of the malign elements that evil beings might add on.

While there are sins associated with sex (adultery, abuse, rape) sex itself isn’t sinful, and I imagine that Chastia and others like her may have been meant to be more like Lastai: envoys of sexual intimacy as an expression of love and affection without any form of abuse or cruelty.  It would explain both Shannon’s intense enjoyment of sex and her bubbly personality and kindness to those around her.

Does sound like a pretty good take on it, nice to see the ol D&D folks putting in some non-sinful sex. Unlike what Elfstar did to Black Leaf’s corpse in my yet to be written story “The Real Power of Necrophilia”

“Angel of Passion”  has a nice ring to it! Although a quick google shows it’s a 1995 porno. So Shannon would approve.

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I mean, I get it, nobody knows anything about God; faith wouldn’t be a thing if everyone just knew, but I do think that a sadistic monotheistic deity, while potentially consistent with the letter of the sacred texts, is inconsistent with their spirit.

Sadism’s very much a human concept. I doubt any deity thinks in such terms! But then I turn on the news and am reminded we live in the same world as the Jonas Brothers.

[Thundercloud]

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

It’s a few years since I did it, but I’m fairly certain it’s to do with how really simple things amuse me sometimes, like if there’s four girls, one of them’s a werewolf and it’s not the one with the name meaning she-wolf.

In story when Lupa’s parents named her they had no idea she would one day be a vampire who had a werewolf friend. They just wanted an alliterative first and last name as a homage to some of the comics they read, and Lupa’s the one they chose. Possibly she had a relative of the same name, or it had some additional meaning to her parents – if I do write the story I can come up with it then

Maybe it should be more about Kate trying to figure out why she was named Lupa...she should be the one who care about such I think.

I suppose Lupa has cut contact with her parents due to her undead nature and if they never told her the background of the name you could have Kate decide to go on a mission on herself to find out the background of the name.

It may sound weird that Lupa does not know the reason for her name, but I actually think it is fairly realistic. My wife has a very unique name but her parents have no recollection of why they choose this name...weirdly they can explain the middle name that is fairly mundane but somehow they forgot the story about the unusual name.

[JayDee]

Lupa’s parents are both sadly deceased (Her Mom’s fate got a mention in Jude’s Tale part 4) – That’s not Lupa’s fault, but it is very related to her currently being a vampire.

Lupa might well know the full background to her name, the problem is that I don’t beyond the “parents liked alliteration” thing  Honestly, Kate’d be more likely to google it.

Maybe your wife’s parents are covering for something with their curious forgetfulness? Some deep, dark family secret...  

[JayDee]

Asras' Abomination may be the first of a series of prompt oneshots showing the effects of dark magics and demon dealings. If so I’m tempted to change part one to an index page, move it into paranormal general, and lump them in together given the connected themes and recurring characters that’ll no doubt show up.I seem to recall that’s allowed *Checks guidelines* yep – specific exception for Table of Contents for oneshot collections!

I’ve finally realised putting ‘Flashfic’ in the summary is a good way to let folks know how damn short it’ll be too, to avoid folks getting over excited by the story codes.

Anyway @InBrightestDay has kindly reviewed it, due to what must be the site’s highest tolerance for my barely readable bullshit.

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InBrightestDay

I prefer to get the negatives out of the way first, so I might as well begin with the one overarching problem I have with this story.

As you implied in your Author's Note, I think this story does kind of suffer from the flashfic status.  While you can make a pretty hot sex scene in 1,000 words or less (and I know you in particular can, because you did it in Jude's Tale) in this case I think the mass tentacle scene gets weakened somewhat by the word count limit.  Not that there wasn't any hot imagery in there, mind you, I just thought it could have been stronger.

Thank you for revieing this! I’ve always said tentacle porn is one of my weaker areas, keeping it real short may have helped me hide the deficiencies but absolutely is gonna leave it too short for anybody to really enjoy as porn. I’m actually kinda surprised there is any hot imagary, so thanks for that, but thanks also for the frank appraisal of why it’s got negatives. S’all good feedback.

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Of coure, while I just mentioned a negative, I did like this story, and as for why...

Octavia could have closed the webpage on the summary.

...

She chose instead to scroll down

I almost feel like this is meta humor about people ignoring the tags or bold face Turn Back Now warnings you put on your snuff stories.  The link to Sarsa only makes me think of this more.  In addition, I kind of like the fact that spells here are apparently named like some of the ones in D&D ("Asras' Abomination" would fit right in with "Bigby's Crushing Hand," "Evard's Black Tentacles," etc.) and that instead of being named after Sarsa, it's named after her Mary Sue.

Heh, I’ve said before I’m not great at subtlety. You’ve nailed it there with some of the folks I was thinking about- ya see an evil summary, ya know it’s wrong, don’t damn well read it! Asras is no Mary Sue! Just because her magic is the strongest anyone has ever seen and even Voldie loves her for it… Oh, wait a sec…

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Also, it would be a crime to review this story and not mention what may be the single best line in it:

"Box, Fuck her!"

I literally burst out laughing at this.  I can't even fully explain why.

In Slumberverse America, Box X you. Initially I was going to have the box require the old backwards speaking reh ckuf etc, but I felt that might actually need explaining within the story and there wasn’t the word count, so eventually I just decided the spell was dumbed down enough to only need ‘Box’ for the commands.

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There's also something funny about mentioning exactly what shoes Kizzy wears,

Oooh! This one was waaay overthought. Basically, Octavia’s a shoes fan. She goes in the room, everyone is wearing in dancing shoes on that expensive wooden sprung floor, so not worthy of comment in her thoughts. Then in stomps Kizzy wearing totally unsuitable boots… and stomps right through a box onto that expensive floor. Kizzy wearing docs got a mention in another story somewhere. Quite why she favors them is a bit of a mystery, I suspect they were a present.

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and of course the fact that Octavia assumed Kizzy was the succubus made me chuckle.  Between this and You!, mistaking who the angel or demon is is kind of turning into a running gag.

Heh, thanks. I liked it! I figure another time I can have folks get the vampire/werewolf mixed up too “Lupa? So you must be the werewolf?”

“Oh sure! Yeah, when I was born they said ‘This kid? She’s gonna be a werewolf some day!’ Fuck you, I’m a bitch but I’m not a bitch.“

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Finally, as someone who watched The Fairly Oddparents when I was younger, I can't help but imagine the aftermath of this whole thing.

Octavia's Dad: "And wheeere did you get a tentacle rape spell, young lady!?"

Octavia: "...Internet."

They got some great stuff on that internet.

Thank you again for your review! I don’t do the prompt fics really expecting reviews, but it’s nice at least to get something down and created and of course to make something of DG’s efforts in setting the prompts. I wonder now if I can get the damn re-write done or if I’ll just end up doing another prompt fic.

[InBrightestDay]

Before I get into this, I’d just like to tell you that I was signed on writing a reply on another thread when you posted this.  I happened to have headphones on, but had Youtube paused.

The point of all this is that I was jumpscared by a notification.

Anyway…

43 minutes ago, JayDee said:

due to what must be the site’s highest tolerance for my barely readable bullshit.

You haven’t seen barely readable bullshit.  I don’t want to name names, but I’ve read some stuff that is riddled with typos to the point of it being genuinely distracting.

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In Slumberverse America, Box X you. Initially I was going to have the box require the old backwards speaking reh ckuf etc, but I felt that might actually need explaining within the story and there wasn’t the word count, so eventually I just decided the spell was dumbed down enough to only need ‘Box’ for the commands.

Well, while the use of Hsilgne would have fit with other demonic casting, it’s entirely possible that spells designed for mortal use might, once cast, respond to commands in the user’s own language.  Also, it would have lost the comedic value.

Seriously, that made me laugh so hard I kind of want to reference it in the Holiday Special now.

*As Luzurial is dealing with the Dread Tree*

Necromancer: “No!  I can’t let you stop me.”  *places backup weapon* “Box...”

Kevin: *smashes box with a hammer* “I don’t know exactly what that was going to do, but I’mma just preemptively say fuck that noise.”

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I figure another time I can have folks get the vampire/werewolf mixed up too “Lupa? So you must be the werewolf?”

“Oh sure! Yeah, when I was born they said ‘This kid? She’s gonna be a werewolf some day!’ Fuck you, I’m a bitch but I’m not a bitch.“

 That would make sense!  I think Thundercloud’s even mentioned it.

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I wonder now if I can get the damn re-write done or if I’ll just end up doing another prompt fic.

Who knows?  Sometimes ideas come to you when you’re not thinking about the story in question, at least not consciously.

Edited April 25, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

9 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Before I get into this, I’d just like to tell you that I was signed on writing a reply on another thread when you posted this.  I happened to have headphones on, but had Youtube paused.

The point of all this is that I was jumpscared by a notification.

It’s like a horror film when someone thinks it’s a monster… and it was!

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Anyway…

You haven’t seen barely readable bullshit.  I don’t want to name names, but I’ve read some stuff that is riddled with typos to the point of it being genuinely distracting.

I used to lurk on the old Godawful Fanfiction forum, since just about every story I’d written at the time was linked there. There was a lot of stuff posted that was worse than mine, sure. I know my way around the barely readable bullshit! And I meant in terms of content and themes rather than terrible grammatical constructions :p

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Well, while the use of Hsilgne would have fit with other demonic casting, it’s entirely possible that spells designed for mortal use might, once cast, respond to commands in the user’s own language.  Also, it would have lost the comedic value.

Seriously, that made me laugh so hard I kind of want to reference it in the Holiday Special now.

*As Luzurial is dealing with the Dread Tree*

Necromancer: “No!  I can’t let you stop me.”  *places backup weapon* “Box...”

Kevin: *smashes box with a hammer* “I don’t know exactly what that was going to do, but I’mma just preemptively say fuck that noise.”

Feel free to use it! Ya know you’re welcome to use anything you need from my stuff anyhow. I’m sure readers would love to see Kevin smashing a necromancer’s box.

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Who knows?  Sometimes ideas come to you when you’re not thinking about the story in question, at least not consciously.

What’s weird is I have the ideas, it’s getting the phrasing down, constructing the sentences so they flow and hold the interest and read good. I’ve managed it before, but it’s kicking my ass trying it again.

[InBrightestDay]

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

I meant in terms of content and themes rather than terrible grammatical constructions

Oh, well, in that case my tolerance does have a limit.  Don’t expect to get reviews from me on any of your snuff fics, for instance.

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I’m sure readers would love to see Kevin smashing a necromancer’s box.

Abdul: “I’m surprised Luzurial let you smash that woman’s box.”

Kevin: “Hey, she approved of me smashing...” *facepalm* “...oh, son of a-”

Abdul: “Tell me, was it difficult with that tiny hammer of yours?”

Kevin: “The hammer was not tiny!  It was a perfectly average, normal-size hammer!  Luzurial can back me up on this.”

Luzurial: “I will not be drawn into these shenanigans.”

Calista: “Listening to this conversation is so much more entertaining than the New Years’ celebration.”

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What’s weird is I have the ideas, it’s getting the phrasing down, constructing the sentences so they flow and hold the interest and read good.

I know exactly what that’s like.  I can get images in my head, but the problem is that they usually arrive in visual form, like a movie, so I have to try to translate them into words.

[JayDee]

 

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Abdul: “I’m surprised Luzurial let you smash that woman’s box.”

Kevin: “Hey, she approved of me smashing...” *facepalm* “...oh, son of a-”

Abdul: “Tell me, was it difficult with that tiny hammer of yours?”

Kevin: “The hammer was not tiny!  It was a perfectly average, normal-size hammer!  Luzurial can back me up on this.”

Luzurial: “I will not be drawn into these shenanigans.”

Calista: “Listening to this conversation is so much more entertaining than the New Years’ celebration.”

Heh, Abdul gets it once again!

[Thundercloud]

16 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Abdul: “I’m surprised Luzurial let you smash that woman’s box.”

Kevin: “Hey, she approved of me smashing...” *facepalm* “...oh, son of a-”

Abdul: “Tell me, was it difficult with that tiny hammer of yours?”

Kevin: “The hammer was not tiny!  It was a perfectly average, normal-size hammer!  Luzurial can back me up on this.”

Luzurial: “I will not be drawn into these shenanigans.”

Calista: “Listening to this conversation is so much more entertaining than the New Years’ celebration.”

Could you use your tiny hammer of yours, or did you need to use another tool?

On a more serious note...JayDee...you really need to not let bad thoughts about your writing skills drag you down. Looking at what I have read from you there is clearly a difference in improved quality over time. Not everything you write these days might be brilliant, but it very far ahead of most fanfic writers out there and most importantly far better than your fics around here that you seem embarrassed about.

Just a random idea...if writing longer pieces is hard you maybe could try to use the flashfic format to get a draft out, but not be bound by length when you make adjustments after feedback from betas. If you need more beta readers I am sure we can work something out...

 

Edited April 26, 2019 by Thundercloud

[JayDee]

I really appreciate the offer and the kind words! I pretty much always work without beta readers (the exception might be how on some of the request fics I sent chunks to the requester to see if they wanted changes making) because I’m really lazy. I suspect my increasing laziness is also a part of why I’m finding the longer stories harder to do – they take a lot of effort (I spent a few months on something like Shokan Lust, and even that’s tiny compared to stuff other folks put out) and I’m either burned out or lazy and it’s probably laziness. Thanks tho’!

 

[JayDee]

Asras' Abomination

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@Thundercloud

Quite funny little piece you have written but it was very short.

Thank you for the review! I appreciate you taking the time to leave thoughts.

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One idea for improvment would have been Trenna texting instaead of making a phone call. Having the situation of Trenna realizing the others cannot make phone calls and her sending text just in case it works would leave it more open if help is coming and possibly increase the readers tension. When Shannon gets there she could reveal she had warded the phone and that is why it worked.

I went with the phonecall because I wanted to foreshadow the wolf – hence the growling in the background as Kate overhears the panic and screams and so on. I think your idea probably would have worked better, especially with more tension, so it’s definitely something to bear in mind for another time. 

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Could also be worth to mention that the challenge words for these stories are seldom words I know well...in this case it I was literally clueless of the meaning but I could sort guess the general meaning of the words.

Honestly a lot of the prompts are the same for me – they went really hard with some of them. I happened to know two of them this time and I think that’s probably why I didn’t think to stick all the definitions down the bottom as I have done for some of the recent ones, and just quoted the definition for the one I didn’t know. Something to bear in mind I guess.

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A downside of the short format is that the reader don't really get to know the characters before the action starts. I would like to have heard Trenna and Octavia talking instead of them just their discussion being referred in the background.

Absolutely get this – I just didn’t have the damn word count. This is definitely one of the areas in which doing fanfics for the prompts works better than original characters, because all I need to do is say “Captain Picard” or “Rimming Crusher on the Bridge of the Enterprise” and all the fans know immediately the characters, both personality and appearance, they know the scenery around them, and that there’s a very good reason why Picard doesn’t allow children on his bridge.

With original work, well, all folks know is that these two go to a dance troupe, and so does the older woman, because I haven’t put in enough details to make people care. I guess in some ways I’d be better off doing the flashfic-chapter stories with originals, because then you can get to know the character a bit more. Some of the original flashfics worked ok without it, but mostly yeah.

I might just do the next one as a ShortStory (allowed in the modified prompt rules!) rather than a flashfic and see if having an extra 200-300 words makes a difference, or just means I don’t tighten it up as much.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

 

[Thundercloud]

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

I went with the phonecall because I wanted to foreshadow the wolf – hence the growling in the background as Kate overhears the panic and screams and so on. I think your idea probably would have worked better, especially with more tension, so it’s definitely something to bear in mind for another time. 

I caught that and it was pretty cool written, only downside is that it kind of strongly hinted the whole team would be coming.

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

Absolutely get this – I just didn’t have the damn word count. This is definitely one of the areas in which doing fanfics for the prompts works better than original characters, because all I need to do is say “Captain Picard” or “Rimming Crusher on the Bridge of the Enterprise” and all the fans know immediately the characters, both personality and appearance, they know the scenery around them, and that there’s a very good reason why Picard doesn’t allow children on his bridge.

Very true, but the downside is out of character behavior or alternate reality versions. Going the original route saves you from having to explain weird behavior from the fanfic  character or annoy readers when characters does weird stuff. 

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

With original work, well, all folks know is that these two go to a dance troupe, and so does the older woman, because I haven’t put in enough details to make people care. I guess in some ways I’d be better off doing the flashfic-chapter stories with originals, because then you can get to know the character a bit more. Some of the original flashfics worked ok without it, but mostly yeah.

I might just do the next one as a ShortStory (allowed in the modified prompt rules!) rather than a flashfic and see if having an extra 200-300 words makes a difference, or just means I don’t tighten it up as much.

I think what is fitting depends very much on the story. Like you should not fight your muses, but to follow them...if staying with the flashfic format makes you more productive then do that.

[JayDee]

7 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I caught that and it was pretty cool written, only downside is that it kind of strongly hinted the whole team would be coming.

Lupa didn’t come! I guess she was off somewhere doing her own thing.

But yeah, downsides with both of them – text message means no wolfy foreshadowing, wolfy foreshadowing means total lack of tension.

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Very true, but the downside is out of character behavior or alternate reality versions. Going the original route saves you from having to explain weird behavior from the fanfic  character or annoy readers when characters does weird stuff.

There is that. Some readers also have very specific personal thoughts on how characters will act or who they would have sex with. My experience has been that generally the fandom is actually less vocal with the meaningless PWP smutfest oneshots that make up most of my work, but get considerably more vocal with other authors’ longer plot intensive pieces I don’t tend to dabble in. Putting Harry and Hermione together at one point would really enrage a lot of Harry Potter fans, for example, and please others. In my case the only story I’ve written that appeared to piss off a significant portion of a fandom  – lotta flame emails and sadly deleted reviews – was Taking The Sky From Kaylee. I think on that basis the little flashfics can tend to fly under the radar, getting the whole “you know this character already” thing out of the way, without so much of the downside reader rage. Or it might just be that so few modern AFF readers review I don’t realise how much they hate things!

Some of the AU stuff is just… eh? Wha? It’s so AU it’s pretty clear that the writer just wanted to write about their high school and friends or whatever, but threw in Character names from a show or book or game to hook in readers. Something that starts “Instead of seeking the Infinity Stones, Thanos is just a hand car wash guy, and sexy beautiful student Sarsa drives her car in for a wash. They fuck!” has really nothing on the source material. 

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I think what is fitting depends very much on the story. Like you should not fight your muses, but to follow them...if staying with the flashfic format makes you more productive then do that.

Heh, if I didn’t fight one of my muses I’d still be churning out snuff every other story.

[JayDee]

A Gamer Girl With Bite started as a flashfic and I just kept writing, extending it out. Originally it was just gonna be a non-sex slice of retro gamer themed convention…

Originally I started off thinking about bringing back Drew, one of the shortest male characters I ever wrote (in human form, he’s described as barely taller than the petite demon huntress) and showing him as maybe redeemable and growing up. Then I re-read his original story and thought nope, he’s really not, he’s worse than T-Dog. The only aspects I kept from Drew when having Mike instead were being into gaming and being short. At least having Drew in mind gave me the idea to bring back Janet, so evil she’s working in marketing.

Rough timeline for the other stories, this is set after Fucking Halloween Party, when things have been getting worse with Sarsa’s influence, more and more evil to fight, but also Lupa’s friend Kate is stuck in a magic trap inside a house and they haven’t been able to get her out, so Lupa’s feeling pretty down about that, too. At the end of the day she and Kate are closest in terms of experience, compared to their billions of years old housemates. 

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@Thundercloud

I must say this story was a very good read that I enjoyed very much. I liked the setup, the actual danger, the resolution and sex at the end. In short there was not really any part of the story that I did not enjoy. The exchanges when she accidently says stuff with sexual meaning made me smile and I laughed when I read the "Magic Mike" line.

Thanks for your review! I appreciate it. It’s funny, I really enjoyed writing it but then it didn’t seem all that great when reading it back – which has never before stopped me sticking stuff up on AFF. Lupa was saying stuff with sexual meaning intentionally to start with, just trying to get Mike a little flustered before the final game, but the problem with spending so much time around someone like Shannon seems to be that she couldn’t switch off seeing things as entendres after she started

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Speaking about the sex I think it is a bit unfair to try compare this with your Halloween story. I would agree that this story did not feature such outstanding sex scenes as your other story, but on the hand you have different characters interacting and I think you make excellent use of them and create a sex scene that fits their personality wise.

I get where you’re coming from, but it just didn’t seem to spark for me here. The whole concept of the scene I really liked the idea of, but when it came to writing it felt a bit too un-hot. And not just because Lupa was cooling. I think maybe also doing the whole story (except the epilogue) from Mike’s perspective hindered it some. Lupa’s thoughts and feelings, her pleasure, would probably have been hotter than Mike’s perception of them. Or maybe I just shoulda had her bite him again, that coulda done it.

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As for things to improve...not many things comes up...but I was kind of surprised by the title ending with "...With Bite". If you call the story "A Gamer Girl Bites Back" it would be a reference to a catch-prhrase I have seen on a t-shirt I think is rathere well known.

Ah, but then I’d probably have to cite the t-shirt makers and I don’t even know who they are  

I guess she does bite back against Janet when she has some blood from her, but also she’s a strong character ‘with bite’ which might well be regionally colloquial as well as with the ability to bite. 

I’ll probably stick with what I’ve got for now, but coming up with titles that don’t suck is always a pain in the ass for me!

Thank you again for you review, It was good to get it.

Edited May 9, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

A Gamer Girl With Bite

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@InBrightestDay

A Lupa-centric story?  Sweet!

Mike was short of stature, standing a mere 5'2", and most everyone he knew thought he was too skinny.

Huh, looks like we're both writing stories about short, scrawny guys.  It does provide a nice contrast with Lupa, though, given her thoughts on her own weight.

Firstly, thanks for taking the time to read through and leave a review. I do appreciate you folks coming back time after time for these original short stories.

The shorty thing comes from originally Mike was going to be Drew, who is really short in human form (he’s 10’ as a demon, described as nearly twice her height, but as a human he’s described as barely taller than her), but when I went for a using an all new non-rapey character I made changes like removing his glasses, giving him long hair, and a much skinnier build. His problem is that he’s exercising a lot, but not getting his diet quite right, so ending up too skinny.

As for Lupa, there isn’t actually anything wrong with her weight, but thanks to various societal bullshit and some past negative comments she’s had, and the like, she’s got some body issues. Covering herself up to avoid the sun as a vampire she felt wasn’t the worst part of it, but she’s getting over them. Support and positivity from her friends is a big help, though.

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"Hey, that's not right, man!" Mike said, with feeling, "you're making gamers look bad with that racist misogynistic stuff! That's not the Nintendo way."

First time I laughed reading the story.  There's something about "the Nintendo way" being invoked like the code of chivalry or something.

Gotta use that Nintendo Power. Later on, he gets Nintendo Hard. Always good to get a laugh I actually did try for some more jokey jokes throughout, didn’t get as many as I’d have liked.

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On a related note, Mike is in a somewhat difficult position here.  On the one hand, he doesn't want to act patronizing, hence what he says about Lupa being able to stand up for herself, but on the other hand, if he doesn't say anything, silence is often read as acceptance, so he kind of had to speak up lest it seem he was condoning the racist/sexist stuff.

That’s the big part of it really – he didn’t want to seem to be approving or supporting the comment, and it was kind of directed to him about Lupa. She absolutely coulda torn that guy a new asshole (I mean, verbally, but also literally if it came to it). That asshole maybe got corrupted by some Sarsa fanfic…

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Speaking of things that made me laugh, the Demon Huntress Hunter game.  At first it kind of gave me this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach, but then when it was revealed Janet was working on it, the whole thing sounded like a Miharu Sarutobi joke and I couldn't help but chuckle.

Janet offered the dev team a more diverse perspective to their mostly straight male design process. They weren’t aware that her career highlights included unleashing a rape demon in a convent, or that she was feeling a little pissed about how her half-demon son was barely scraping through college and couldn’t get a girlfriend despite being such a nice guy with his new neckbeard and fedora… 

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Speaking of things that made me laugh, I love Lupa's reaction to finding out that she just can't avoid magical shenanigans even on her day off (the Busman's Holiday trope in full force).

Thanks! I guess as a vampire wherever she goes there’s some spooky shit going down, but mostly it’s her happening to people.

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“It’s magic, Mike,” Lupa told him, wearily, and then made a face as she considered the phrasing.

And somewhere, Kevin and Abdul nod silently.

Call it foreshadowing. He does strip later :p

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A snake’s body, red and black and yellow banded, curled all around the circumference, thicker than either of them.

Ah, yes, the coral snake demon.  A lot of summoners get that wrong, you know; accidentally summon the way less dangerous scarlet kingsnake demon instead.  Common rookie mistake.

Joking aside, I really liked the creature design here.  It kind of reminds me of a Yuan-ti abomination from D&D, but the more human-looking face and the coral snake color pattern helps make it distinct.

Something something Shannon’s scarlet kingsnake something something… I honestly just remembered the look of the snake with those bright colors but couldn’t have named it. I’m glad the design works tho’ I’ve seen a lot of Naga looking dudes just have a basic green tail.

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The action scene with Lupa fighting the incubus was really cool, really showing off all her vampiric powers.  I think it was a good idea to show all of this from Mike's perspective, so we really get a sense of how incredible her speed is (it would have been a bit harder to bring that up from Lupa's perspective), and I like that you took advantage of her undead nature to show the kind of damage she can take and survive.

The way I figure her speed is that she’s really fast in short jumpy bursts, and she can keep it up a while, but she doesn’t have the endurance that Kate would have. Plus, she’s still really young as a vampire, even with a couple years dead at that point, and using her strength and her speed and the rest all together is something she’s still really mastering. The extra training she’s been getting probably helps some with that. Might be interesting to write it from her perspective sometime, something to try at least!

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“Hey!” Janet sounded angry, “How did you get that blade past security?”

Second time the story made me laugh.  It makes sense in context, but given that there's a vampire fighting a demon, the fact that she even asks about that is funny.

Janet’s used to seeing demon shit going down, but non-cosplay weapons at a gamer convention? Someone goofed!

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"Eww, vore fetish," Mike said.

That also made me laugh, in this case because I was thinking "Oh good, it's a vore demon" right before Mike said that.

Shannon’s not the only demon that swallows around there. Thanks!

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The regeneration via drinking blood was a detail I hadn't thought of, but it makes sense,

There’s some of the regeneration on a smaller scale in You! too – Lupa bites you to heal her burns from blowing out the monitor infused with Sarsa’s demon magic story. She also feeds messier- she probably bit you in the wrong place and had a little too much blood coming out there.

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and we get a display of the Charm Person ability Lupa teased during You!

Heh, this one made me laugh.

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So I know you think the sex isn't as good as what you wrote in Fucking Halloween Party, but I think you're selling yourself short.  In my opinion, this is just a different take on it.  In fact, this could serve as a sort of companion piece to FHP, as it mirrors a lot of what was in that story.  The sex in FHP was a bunch of relatively quick pairings, while this focuses on one.  FHP featured Shannon helping several people through their emotional problems, while this features some of Lupa's own insecurities (over her weight and her undead nature) coming to the fore, and Mike doing his best to help her with them.

Plus, I thought it was pretty hot.

When it comes to porn hotness is in the eye of the beholder. If folks say it’s hot to them then that’s fine by me and I can count it a success, but it seemed like it was lacking something to me when it was written even though I found the idea really appealing (the bit I liked best was Mike’s oral on Lupa). Maybe Shannon’s own insecurity free porn loving take was what helped the other one, or it could just be that besides the brief bit in Jude’s Tale I’m out of practice at writing sex stuff – the other recent bits have really been re-writes.

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Finally, it seems Sarsa is becoming a bit of a recurring enemy to the K-Team.  I am curious, though, where did you get the "Lady Billi" name from?

I figured Sarsa was a) likely to be establishing different personalities online as part of extending her control through different areas and b) exactly the kind of toxic user who creates sockpuppets to either attack others or have conversations about how great she is, or attack herself so she can get sympathy defences. Janet saw through at least some of ‘em, possibly due to the quality of Sarsa’s writing.

I got the Lady part from how I’d had Janet call her my lady, and the Billi part after deciding Sarsa’s original angel name was Dyoel (she got it from Billy Joel)…

And on that terrible thought, thank you again for the review. It’s really decent of you to say alla this nice stuff about my story!

[InBrightestDay]

8 hours ago, JayDee said:

As for Lupa, there isn’t actually anything wrong with her weight, but thanks to various societal bullshit and some past negative comments she’s had, and the like, she’s got some body issues.

I figured as much.  After all, other characters have never called her anything more than curvy.

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Gotta use that Nintendo Power. Later on, he gets Nintendo Hard.

Apparently in spite of never doing 2 player before, he’s pretty good with his Wii.  I REGRET NOTHING!!!

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I actually did try for some more jokey jokes throughout, didn’t get as many as I’d have liked.

You got plenty of them!  I just didn’t want to quote everything that made me laugh, as the review was kind of long as it was.

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That asshole maybe got corrupted by some Sarsa fanfic…

Depressingly, I don’t think that’s necessary to explain it.  Gaming, especially of the competitive variety (multiplayer matches and such), seems to be like a dog whistle to assholes, at least from what I’ve read.  I admittedly don’t really do a lot of online play.  In fact, I have two Call of Duty games (Black Ops and Black Ops II) and as unthinkable as it may seem, I own those for the single player campaign, meaning that I have handily avoided the bullshit that goes on in stereotypical CoD multiplayer.

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Something something Shannon’s scarlet kingsnake something something… I honestly just remembered the look of the snake with those bright colors but couldn’t have named it.

So, for anyone who understandably didn’t get my hilarious snake identification joke, when I read “red and black and yellow banded,” being from Florida I immediately thought of the eastern coral snake (Micrurus fulvius), which looks like this:

It’s an incredibly beautiful animal that uses bright colors to warn potential predators that it’s venomous (a phenomenon called “aposematic coloration”).  For the record, it’s also really mellow and nonaggressive.  I ran into one of these things in the wild once (my class was out in the woods looking for samples for Mycology class and suddenly I discovered this thing about four feet from me) and it didn’t hiss or curl up or anything; it just lazily slithered past me.

Of course, now that I’ve said that, I should add that just because it’s mellow does not mean that its patience is infinite.  Inevitably a news story will appear about some idiot who saw how chill this snake is and tried picking it up, at which point it reminded said idiot that it is, in fact, dangerously venomous.  For the love of God, do not try the patience of a wild animal.  Consider this your snake PSA for the day.

What was I talking about?  Oh, right!

So, since animals learn to recognize the banded colors of the coral snake, several species of harmless snakes have evolved color patterns that look similar in the hopes that potential predators will be fooled (a phenomenon called “Batesian mimicry”).  The most famous of these is no doubt the milk snake (Lampropeltis triangulum), but I knew that if I said “milk snake” in that review, JayDee was going to make some joke about milking somebody’s snake, so instead I went with the scarlet kingsnake (Lampropeltis elapsoides), which looks like this:

So there you go, just in case anybody had forgotten that I was a Bio major.

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I’m glad the design works tho’ I’ve seen a lot of Naga looking dudes just have a basic green tail.

Yeah, I think that has to do with both how it’s easier on the artist and how it kind of evokes lush, tropical vegetation (a lot of these snake monsters tend to be from the jungle).

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The way I figure her speed is that she’s really fast in short jumpy bursts, and she can keep it up a while, but she doesn’t have the endurance that Kate would have.

That’s a really cool idea, the cheetah as opposed to the wolf (and wolves are known for being able to run long distances).

[JayDee]

10 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Apparently in spite of never doing 2 player before, he’s pretty good with his Wii.  I REGRET NOTHING!!!

Haha

Scottish accent: “Och, it wasn’t so wee...”

Lupa had to finish herself off the second time, he may need another look at the walkthrough, mind.

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You got plenty of them!  I just didn’t want to quote everything that made me laugh, as the review was kind of long as it was.

Yeah, but I wanted to include more! More than plenty! Gags every other line! And not the BDSM kind!

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Depressingly, I don’t think that’s necessary to explain it.  Gaming, especially of the competitive variety (multiplayer matches and such), seems to be like a dog whistle to assholes, at least from what I’ve read.  I admittedly don’t really do a lot of online play.  In fact, I have two Call of Duty games (Black Ops and Black Ops II) and as unthinkable as it may seem, I own those for the single player campaign, meaning that I have handily avoided the bullshit that goes on in stereotypical CoD multiplayer.

Oh, yeah, that dude at the con was definitely a multiplayer COD fan. But not the same asshole from You! because Sarsa’s probably cut that dude up by this point. See, sometimes two wrongs do make a right!

My jokes about COD have all been around the multiplayer stereotypes I think – with both Drew and that unnamed dude going in for that stuff.

Gaming culture in general has a lot of assholes. Which sucks.

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So, for anyone who understandably didn’t get my hilarious snake identification joke, when I read “red and black and yellow banded,” being from Florida I immediately thought of the eastern coral snake (Micrurus fulvius), which looks like this:

It’s an incredibly beautiful animal that uses bright colors to warn potential predators that it’s venomous (a phenomenon called “aposematic coloration”).  For the record, it’s also really mellow and nonaggressive.  I ran into one of these things in the wild once (my class was out in the woods looking for samples for Mycology class and suddenly I discovered this thing about four feet from me) and it didn’t hiss or curl up or anything; it just lazily slithered past me.

Of course, now that I’ve said that, I should add that just because it’s mellow does not mean that its patience is infinite.  Inevitably a news story will appear about some idiot who saw how chill this snake is and tried picking it up, at which point it reminded said idiot that it is, in fact, dangerously venomous.  For the love of God, do not try the patience of a wild animal.  Consider this your snake PSA for the day.

What was I talking about?  Oh, right!

So, since animals learn to recognize the banded colors of the coral snake, several species of harmless snakes have evolved color patterns that look similar in the hopes that potential predators will be fooled (a phenomenon called “Batesian mimicry”).  The most famous of these is no doubt the milk snake (Lampropeltis triangulum), but I knew that if I said “milk snake” in that review, JayDee was going to make some joke about milking somebody’s snake, so instead I went with the scarlet kingsnake (Lampropeltis elapsoides), which looks like this:

So there you go, just in case anybody had forgotten that I was a Bio major.

I quoted this whole section just so the neat snake pics would show up again in the thread. Also it’s interesting to read! I’m 99% sure that top danger noodle is the type I had in mind with snake dude’s coloring! I don’t even like trying the patience of domestic animals tbh. One day the hamster snaps, kicks it’s wheel over, and suddenly there’s blood everywhere and high pitched squeaks of pure rage as the owners try to flee...

Milking someone’s snake? Well, me and low hanging fruit do kinda go together.

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That’s a really cool idea, the cheetah as opposed to the wolf (and wolves are known for being able to run long distances).

Kate’s also got that human side, and I heard ‘bout that endurance running hypothesis suggesting we’ve got some talent for that too, so I guess werewolves can go even further! Which sucks if you’re trying to get away from one.

[Thundercloud]

On 5/9/2019 at 5:31 PM, JayDee said:

At least having Drew in mind gave me the idea to bring back Janet, so evil she’s working in marketing.

I liked you using Janet in this way.  The dialogue at the scene with Kizzy and Janet at the end seemed like a very fitting ending of the story.

On 5/9/2019 at 5:31 PM, JayDee said:

Rough timeline for the other stories, this is set after Fucking Halloween Party, when things have been getting worse with Sarsa’s influence, more and more evil to fight, but also Lupa’s friend Kate is stuck in a magic trap inside a house and they haven’t been able to get her out, so Lupa’s feeling pretty down about that, too. At the end of the day she and Kate are closest in terms of experience, compared to their billions of years old housemates.

Someday I should read the story about Sarsa...so much stuff to read and write and so little time...

On 5/9/2019 at 5:31 PM, JayDee said:

Thanks for your review! I appreciate it. It’s funny, I really enjoyed writing it but then it didn’t seem all that great when reading it back – which has never before stopped me sticking stuff up on AFF. Lupa was saying stuff with sexual meaning intentionally to start with, just trying to get Mike a little flustered before the final game, but the problem with spending so much time around someone like Shannon seems to be that she couldn’t switch off seeing things as entendres after she started

It sounds like you had a bad day when you read it because I did think that it was very good. When I mentioned the title it was very much because I did not find much else to comment about.

On 5/9/2019 at 5:31 PM, JayDee said:

I get where you’re coming from, but it just didn’t seem to spark for me here. The whole concept of the scene I really liked the idea of, but when it came to writing it felt a bit too un-hot. And not just because Lupa was cooling. I think maybe also doing the whole story (except the epilogue) from Mike’s perspective hindered it some. Lupa’s thoughts and feelings, her pleasure, would probably have been hotter than Mike’s perception of them. Or maybe I just shoulda had her bite him again, that coulda done it.

I do not agree with Lupa cooling as a problem for the scene...I think it was a great way to both remind the reader and Mike what is really happening inthe middle of the sex. Using Mike’s perspective was also a good choice from my point of view.

Putting myself in the authors mode...I think that one thing in this scene that worked to your disadvantage compared to Halloween scenes is the fact that you have them doing this because they are overcome with sex magic instead of them having the hots for each other and due to this have a problem in raising the arousal level atthe final part of the sex. Lupa’s climax is great but the coldness of her body and their insecurities intrude rather quickly. Don’t get me wrong, the insecurity and the character development is part of what makes this a great story where the outcome feel earned, but maybe it are those kind things that makes you feel this was not as good as it could have been. Just some random thoughts from a fellow erotic author. 

[JayDee]

20 minutes ago, Thundercloud said:

I liked you using Janet in this way.  The dialogue at the scene with Kizzy and Janet at the end seemed like a very fitting ending of the story.

Shannon’ll be disappointed she didn’t get to do the interrogation.

“So, Janet… I hear you like demon dick.” *Lifts skirt*

*12 hours later*

“Hi, Kiz? I’ve got all the info, but she’s still horny. This could take a while. ...Well sure, I could totally go now I’ve got the info, but at this stage it’s professional pride. Satisfaction guaranteed should mean something! ”

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Someday I should read the story about Sarsa...so much stuff to read and write and so little time...

There’s no sex in it! Probably better to spend time with the fuck fics.

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It sounds like you had a bad day when you read it because I did think that it was very good. When I mentioned the title it was very much because I did not find much else to comment about.

I do not agree with Lupa cooling as a problem for the scene...I think it was a great way to both remind the reader and Mike what is really happening inthe middle of the sex. Using Mike’s perspective was also a good choice from my point of view.

Fair enough It’s always good to hear alternate points of view! 

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Putting myself in the authors mode...I think that one thing in this scene that worked to your disadvantage compared to Halloween scenes is the fact that you have them doing this because they are overcome with sex magic instead of them having the hots for each other and due to this have a problem in raising the arousal level atthe final part of the sex. Lupa’s climax is great but the coldness of her body and their insecurities intrude rather quickly. Don’t get me wrong, the insecurity and the character development is part of what makes this a great story where the outcome feel earned, but maybe it are those kind things that makes you feel this was not as good as it could have been. Just some random thoughts from a fellow erotic author. 

Yeah, I can see that – if I’d gone the full on porn route with it, then I think it probably would have been hotter for sure. Irritatingly I guess this just seemed to be the way the story wanted to go.

Thanks again!

[JayDee]

A Gamer Girl With Bite

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@InvidiaRed

Janet scowled,"You don’t scare me - I fucked the demon Eparlegna’s tentacled form once.”

This is one of the biggest self owns of all time. Ever written and... she doesn't even notice it.

Thanks for taking the time to look at the story and comment, I appreciate it. Rumor has it Eparlegna later denied ever having known Janet. “Fuckssakes, you don’t stick your tentacles in crazy.”

Maybe she meant to summon him in his normal form but she got the pages stuck together and there was a spaghetti recipe in there too. 

Janet’s an odd character. I didn’t really think I’d ever put her in a story again, but here she is… I’d say I’m pretty good at writing self owns, but most of ‘em are about me!

Thanks again for the comment!

[JayDee]

I got this comment from someone on A Gamer Girl With Bite on ‘nother site that Mike was a cuck… I can only assume the word has changed meaning since he wasn’t in any kind of relationship and was the only dude who had sex in the story. And even then, I was happy just to get a review!

Moving on to AFF review reply –

Pregnant in Alabama – There’s no truth in the rumor I wrote this lust to disappoint the folks who wanted to read the undead Gertie story instead. I had a couple of ideas for epilogues, one of them would have explained what Kizzy thought of Shannon’s southern shenanigans, but I figured it wouldn’t mean much to most readers. The other would have covered who donated the eggs Shannon used, and what she was getting out of it.

Also, I’m not gonna stop cracking mpreg jokes. JD = Jypocrite

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Josgonzalez189

Karma is a bitch but we love it when it happens to others

Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment! Folks all love the schadenfreude.  I guess in this story Karma’s more of a slut (proudly so!) but a lot of my stories have involved something unexpected and occasionally unpleasant happening to someone so I could argue I’m thematically consistant

Thank you again, I always appreciate thoughts on my stories!

 

[InBrightestDay]

7 hours ago, JayDee said:

I got this comment from someone on A Gamer Girl With Bite on ‘nother site that Mike was a cuck… I can only assume the word has changed meaning since he wasn’t in any kind of relationship and was the only dude who had sex in the story.

I guess some terms haven’t spread too far outside the US.  So, “cuck” is still short for “cuckold,” but in recent years, specifically on the political right, the word has come to refer not only to a man whose girlfriend or wife is cheating on him, but to a man so weak and pathetic that he deserves to have someone else (a real man) steal his woman from him.

The idea, generally, is that the cucks are physically weak, emotionally sensitive/vulnerable or somewhat submissive in their relationships with their female partners, and that what these women really want is a dominant alpha male (usually one who’s physically strong as well, but that’s not necessary so long as he has a dominant personality), even if they don’t know it yet.

Mike is thus a cuck because he’s short of stature, not muscular and, I’m guessing, because he doesn’t really participate in the fight against the demon and lets Lupa handle it.  The fact that she’s stronger than he is, faster than he is, more durable than he is and has more experience with this kind of stuff than he does is basically irrelevant.  Remember on my thread the cultural conditioning I mentioned that’s part of why Kevin feels he has to go into the Second Rupture with Luzurial?  This is basically it.

Edited May 24, 2019 by InBrightestDay