JayDee's Review Reply Thread (Games)

[JayDee]

I “played” a visual novel game on steam last september. It was short but free to play – with achievements! - and apparantly has a premium version with a buncha sex off of Steam. Anyway, afterwards I did a first draft of a story, maybe 1000 words, and then forgot about it. Then, recently, when I felt up to trying to finish the half-done final part of You! I found the draft in the same folder and took a shot at finishing it over the last week. It became my 31^st story in AFF’s Games domain Death’s Cold Fingering. You may be able to guess I couldn’t think up a non-shit or even half coherent title.

As with many PWPs the story takes a few actual events from the game, described in my half-assed prose, and throws in sex with them. It’s at least one death less violent than most playthroughs of the game, and almost certainly has less sex than the premium version, because all the free one has is sliding puzzles and violence. But what the hell, I’m just a fanfic hack. Anyway. Just using the old review/reply thread for a bit of extra Authors Notes which I’m sure’s allowd somewhere in the rules. Sometimes think it’d be easier to have all my review reply/extra notes in one long thread rather than spread out per subdomain.

Edited June 27, 2018 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Death’s Cold Fingering is one of those stories where I think “Well, it’s kinda fucked up but at least nobody has to look at it if they don’t want to!” and then I get reminded that actually the mods have to check all the stories for codes and disclaimers and such and feel a little bad. I mean, if If I’d posted this on old school gurochan’s /lit/ board someone would totally replied “So, can Anthony fuck Rita Pedal Bin style in part 2?” by now.  and that’s not the kind’ve fic you want to even skim. On the plus side, I don’t do celeb!

BronxWench review:

This is one time when I think not having played the game won't make a damned bit of difference.

Poor, poor Paul... Rita was most persuasive, and after all, it's not like Sofia was going to complain. On the other hand, consent is consent, and it's really not enough to assume the dead won't mind. Sort of the ultimate #metoo with one hell of a karmic kick at the end.

Good to have you back and posting!

Thank you for the review! I really appreciate it. I mean, I even like getting the negative reviews so the positive ones are really nice! I always err on the side of caution with consent issues and they definitely didn’t ask first so it got a Rape tag without a moment’s hesitation. Paul wasn’t really capable of giving informed consent to fingering Sofia’s shade either. A baseball bat to the head definitely counts as a form of coercion, right? Paul should have been strong and stood up to his punky necrophile girlfriend about right and wrong. Done a bit of Educatin’ Rita. Although, really he was coerced too. Rita’s the repulsive one here!

I don’t know that I’ll be posting much more – I have a lot in my scraps folder of notes and half (or much less) started stuff. I still dream of getting the Willow gangsnuggle story finished, I’ve got a first draft that I originally did for the Fate/Fun/Finesse prompt before deciding to make it You! 5 which basically just has Lupa pissed off under a silence spell thing that I might manage to make half readable, and that’s the closest to done. I'd be nice to write more though, when I have the time. I miss it. I miss reading stories as well – I used to read a hell of a lot more.

It’s Good to see you getting your writing published out there!

[JayDee]

The Legend of Spyro's Death was one of the few stories I wrote where I couldn’t see the appeal of the request at all. Sure, there was a celebrity with a nice voice doing the character, but beyond that… it’s a purple dragon. I mean, come on here. He’s not even… furry. I started responding to reviews on the forum after I got the first three reviews on this one so never got to say thanks for the reviews. So… thanks for the reviews. And sorry ‘bout the plot hole. To answer it… uh… Rab was still full from his earlier meal at that exact point. Maybe. Anyway, moving on to a new review –

Quote

pippychick

I'll admit, it's one of your weirder offerings, but I think that's per the request rather than your responsibility. Poor old Spyro.

Thank you for the review! I really appreciate hearing feedback always. To be fair on the requesting person I’m pretty sure they just specified Spyro to feature. I came up with all the weirdness on my own and somehow made it into my most critically acclaimed MM story. Frankly I blame the scaley fans.

Quote

BUT... I hadn't read any tentacle stuff in ages when it used to be everywhere, so it wasn't exactly nice, but it was... kind of reassuringly familiar, if that makes sense? It was extremely well-written, as I've come to expect from you, and the reading was a surprise, because it was very good.

There does seem to be less tentacle stuff, doesn’t there? Maybe @CloverReef will take the joking in the status bar seriously, write the consensual cannibal necro tentacle fic fic and take care of that drought! My big problem with tentacles is I start wondering where they’re all going and what they’re doing, like on limbs, around body, probing orifices and what about the ones left over? Readers start getting annoyed if you have them off at the side playing Bubble Bobble on NES or getting a game of air hockey going. “Hey, come plow this character!” “Just a minute, I’m 6-5 up against Tentacle 68!” Nice to hear I got it right though

Quote

The second part of the story... I have said it before, but I will always be envious of your ability to write gore and evisceration. To me, it's the pinnacle of what horror should be about, that imagery leading to instinctive revulsion, and you manage to make me see it in amazing detail without me noticing your descriptive work. I'm just going to ramble here to get across what I mean properly.

Thank you! Of course we’re often jealous of the stuff we think others do better – your atmospheric horror in The Price is genius. To me, I feel like I just have a few samples from an anatomy text book. A misremembered anatomy textbook. But if I am writing horrific gore and it gets a horror reaction it’s all good – I also get people who can barely stop laughing while reading it

Quote

I've been a big reader all of my life, and in some ways a writer. I didn't start writing long structured stories that had any merit until about fifteen or so years ago. Since then, I've become much more of critic when I read. I analyse as I read any author or published work. You are one of those authors that I know I can relax with. I can let you just tell me the story. In fact I have no choice about it. Your writing draws me in, and it wouldn't really matter what you were writing about. You just happen to have a penchant for writing the kind of horror I really enjoy.

Thank you

It’s really nice of you to say so. I greatly appreciate the compliment! I tried being a critic when I read, but I ended up hurting people’s feelings. I guess I’d better make Ball the Midwife a really gory horror fic if I ever get around to writing it. Demonic corruption and a visceral remaking into a servant of evil. And some kind hearted bike-falling clumsiness to keep in character. Sometimes you ride the bike and sometimes the bike rides you.

Thank you again, s’lovely waking up to reviews

[JayDee]

Ending the Fan is ultimately not my best story, but it was one I had a lot of fun coming up with stuff for and I am still fond of most of it. Despite having rape content (Moz is an Orc. It’s cultural.) it’s still ultimately good natured. And I really liked writing “Antoinetta liked to act the playful young woman; the last thing many had seen even before she joined the Dark Brotherhood was her cheerful smile. She knocked back the potion carelessly, perfectly convinced it wasn’t poison. Everybody knew that if Moz gra-Bura wanted something dead, she would hit it with an axe.”

Quote

Thundercloud

Thank you for the story recommendation. I did indeed like it like you suspected even though I never played Oblvion. Not knowing the game made some parts of the story line a bit hard to follow, but all in all it was good read.

And thank you for your review! It seemed like it had some of the content you enjoyed so I am glad I was right in suggesting it. I’m surprised I had much storyline in there around the fuck scenes. Funnily enough as degrading as it got I never went as far as one request – they wanted to see Moz orgasm with her face in a bowl of fresh shit. It just wasn’t that kind of story. Thanks again for your positive kind words.

[JayDee]

Three reviews from three different people in one day. Did it just get 2007 AFF in here? Is it the end times when time becomes unhinged and creatures of evil spread their wings, take flight and and accidentally get shredded by jet engines?

Corinthian Knot

Quote

InBrightestDay

While I will continue working my way through the Slumber Party-verse, I noticed you'd written a lot of videogame stories.  I saw that this didn't have the MCD tag, so...

Okay, on the one hand, Lara was just fucked by a dog, and she's a sex slave.

On the other hand, she's alive, which is never a given in Tomb Raider fics (for whatever reason) and she seems happy with her situation, which is also not a given in Tomb Raider fics.  One needs to appreciate these things when they happen.

Something I'd like to point out is that you managed to sidestep a lot of the inherent squickiness of bestiality by making Corinth sentient.  I still found it a little gross every once in a while (sentient or not, it's still a dog), but a lot of it was surprisingly hot.

Finally, I think I may have spotted a typo.

"Please, don't... it feels so good in me?"

Granted, perhaps Lara's supposed to be confused, but I felt like maybe that was supposed to be a period.

And thank you for another review! I love getting them. Ain’t a writer here who doesn’t like getting them I think.

She did kill that dog’s whole family. I haven’t got on to the new Tomb Raider games yet, but in the old ones she was always blasting hell out of animals who were just trying to live their lives. She was always fucking dogs, it was just she she used to use pistols or a shotgun!

It wasn’t always a given she’d be alive when I played either. I never intended for her to die, I was just never that great. You’re right about her poor porn fic outcomes though. I alone have written something like five stories with her in, (one is a part of a story under movies) and she dies in at least three of them. She did survive the one where she gave birth to a Centaur.

On the sentience/squick level – I had an earlier dog story called Unleash the Beast that would be squickier because the dog was not magic, but at least no sex slave ending so… Then another time I’ve donea story using one of Narnia’s talking horses where sentience + speech made it virtually a furry fic. I’m not proud. Except for the title. That made me smile.

Surprising hotness is one of the best kinds! Also the most worrying when you wake up at 3am and think “Whoa, I found that hot. Is being a monster infectious?” 

Thanks for asking about the question mark – I think it is actually intentionally meant to be Lara questioning that it felt good (which would naturally be a surprise), with the lack of clarity being down to poor phrasing.

I was trying to think if I had any stories I could recommend that might suit your tastes and, well, nope. Not a single story of mine outside the slumber-verse I would recommend for you. There’s some sections here and there that would maybe appeal (breast massages etc), but mostly you’ll just end up wondering just what happened to leave me so broken. 

Finally, thank you again for taking the time to review.

[JayDee]

The Dildo of Kings

Quote

Thundercloud

This story is a quite fun little distraction. Definitely in the PWP category, but I enjoyed reading it. A shame it is not longer.

Thanks for your review! The story is way too short, for sure, but in my defence it was written for a prompt challenge with a 1000 word limit.

Heh Looks like we’ve both done stories on the “fucking possessed weapons” kink.

Corinthian Knot now has 55050 hits and 10 reviews. That’s quite a lot for AFF!

Quote

Thundercloud

This was a great read. The setup of the story made think on the actual begining of the first Tomb Raider game with wolves that are killed by Lara (actually I try to forget the visuals of that scene, it has been a long time since the game came). Lara might certainly have some bad karma when we are talking about wolves.

Anyway the detail I especially like about your story was how you used Lara's pony tale to explain how the domination took place. Hot and very sexy. Keep the good work.

Thank you for this review also! Yeah, that original Tomb Raider game you’re strolling along and suddenly wolves! Scared the piss out of me the first time. That bear and t-Rex later were just as bad. She’s killed a lot of wildlife that was just trying to mind its own business away from human civilisation though. Probably not a PETA spokesperson.

The detail of using the ponytail was in the original drawing the story was written about so I can’t claim credit for that one. I’m glad you found it hot and sexy though – it’s one of those stories that I think works for people who enjoy the central idea, but everyone else would be a bit baffled.

I’m afraid this may have been the last of the good work – I can’t believe it’s from 2011. Where did all those years go? It was all downhill from there, sadly.

Thanks once again for both reviews.

Edited January 15, 2019 by JayDee

[Thundercloud]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

The detail of using the ponytail was in the original drawing the story was written about so I can’t claim credit for that one. I’m glad you found it hot and sexy though – it’s one of those stories that I think works for people who enjoy the central idea, but everyone else would be a bit baffled.

Yes, I guessed the idea came from the picture, but to actually execute the idea in the good way you did takes skill and effort.

[JayDee]

Friendship's Gift is one of very few things I’ve written I am really happy with. I’m sure ultimately it’s flawed as fuck, but I love how it turned out. I mean, it’s also one of the few stories I loaded to fanfiction.net. Anyway I kinda mentioned it in the hopes of getting another review, and got another review. Which was nice.

Quote

@InBrightestDay

I admit that I am only partially familiar with the Elder Scrolls setting, so while I know what Khajiit look like, I don't know if Ahnassi is an original character or an NPC from one of the games.  Still, that doesn't hinder my enjoyment of the story

Thank you for taking the time to review this! I know it can be a bit of a pain reviewing something in an unfamiliar fandom. It’s really great to hear that you still enjoyed it – and yep, Ahnassi was a real questgiver character.

Quote

“your robe seems to have come undone,” he managed gruffly.

“Hah, no. Today I show you my natural gifts.

Must...resist..."Khajiit has wares" joke.

Ahnassi isn’t even asking for coin.

Quote

Okay, in all seriousness, I like that this story addresses something about interspecies relationships that often goes unmentioned: issues of physical compatibility.  It's honestly kind of sad that these two would love to physically express their feelings for one another, but because of simple anatomical differences, they just can't.  This could have been played as a joke, but instead you wrote it out in a very genuine way.

She swallowed a lump in her throat, unsure if it were emotion or hairball.

Not that there aren't any jokes in the story, of course.  Still, I did feel sorry for the characters, and I appreciated the maturity shown in Ahnassi's acceptance at the end.

It’s really hard for me to write something even kinda angsty and emotional without putting in some jokes. S’like I said, more self control than I possess to leave ‘em out.

And thank you! It’s really nice to hear it comes across genuinely, sometimes it can be hard to fit everything into the 1000 word limit and not have it come across as under-explained or forced. And the last thing the Orc wants to do is use force.

I’m glad you appreciate the ending too – I really appriciate the review! Thank you gain for it.

[JayDee]

No Mercy in Novac

Quote

ANON

you should totally do a bad end with her in freeside

Thank you for your comment! I appreciate you taking the time. I could absolutely see her needing a freakin’ drink in the Atomic Wrangler, although whether it was a bad end would probably depend how much booze she knocked back. I guess after Boone started shootin’ there weren’t a whole lot left of the bad guys though.

Thanks again!

[JayDee]

The Crushing of Cassie Cage

Quote

From ANON - on June 14, 2019

 

...Thanks for taking the time to leave a blank review. I think? Maybe? I’ll leave it up a couple weeks in case you check and it was unintentionally blank then I guess I’d best delete it as a non review.

[InBrightestDay]

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

...Thanks for taking the time to leave a blank review. I think? Maybe?

Maybe the blankness was like writing “...”

Like they read the story and were like “Well, this...I...you...I just...what?”

[JayDee]

That would be a fair reaction.

[JayDee]

Reds Under The Flower Bed is one of my oldest stories writing as JayDee – it was one of the first I loaded to AFF, back before I took my stories down and and then re-loaded a bunch on the same day in 2007. Near the start it says “Additional Credit: The idea for this came from an internet discussion with reikorikku and Deathstalker.” I no longer have any recollection of the discussion, and it even has the old story codes for using other than on AFF at the start. Ayy. It's short and unpleasant, like hungover toad.

Quote

The Princess’s large udders were mauled roughly by the gripping green plant.

...and now I remember the discussion a little. I’m 99% it included “Hey, I wonder what lines I could put in that would really get Godawful Fanfiction users spitting feathers?”

Quote

@InBrightestDay

Well, this was...something.

Thanks for your review! I just had a quick scroll down it and I couldn’t face reading the fucking thing again, so good for you on managing it.

Quote

So, here we have another story review by a guy who isn't in the target audience.  First, the story does highlight the importance of context and how it can affect my response to imagery and dialogue.  See, normally...

"Princess Peach, you are deposed as ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. We’re setting up a people’s collective. Long live the People’s Mushroom Republic!"

...hearing Toad say that would be just about the funniest thing ever written.  In isolation, it's hilarious, complete with a mental image of Toad with a hammer and sickle flag appearing behind him and the Soviet national anthem blasting in the background.  In context, though...

As usual, you have a serious talent for giving the reader just the right sensory details to perfectly communicate pain, and there is actually something deeply unsettling about brutal murder taking place while happy music plays and the torturer features a happy, childlike smile.  It was likely intended to be funny, and sometimes it can work for dark comedy, but there's also something kind of Orwellian about it.

I think it was intended to be a trollfic originally, when it went on the grey archive. Then I think I posted it here because, fuck it, some folks like it. I have no such excuse for my later Piranha Plant snuff flashfic,  Phytoerotic Asphyxiation.

I mean, an actual communist revolution would be pretty bloody in Mushroom Kingdom – no wonder they took Koopa and co out as well!

Quote

I've never actually played any of the Super Mario games, strange though that may sound, so I don't have any attachment to these characters save by pop culture.  Nonetheless, you do a good job of establishing sympathy for Princess Peach, with her only line before the torture begins being a display of kindness.  Don't get me wrong, it's nowhere near the degree of character establishment you gave Luzurial, but Peach is a character in a well-established franchise, so not as much detail is necessary.

I haven’t played any lately. Most recent one I owned was Mario 64, which was a heck of a lot of fun but, what 20 years ago? The old NES ones were great fun in the late 80s/early 90s for little kids. Hard though.

Yeah, absolutely have a lot less character establishment with fanfic, because you figure the fans know ‘em! But also with it being one of my earliest snuff fics I guess I just didn’t have a lot to work into it.

Quote

By now, you're no doubt wondering why I'm reviewing this, given my snuff aversion. 

Hell, I’d wonder why someone who did like snuff bothered. I couldn’t do more’n skim it.

Quote

Well, back in 2008, I stumbled upon this story, and somehow I read "brutal plant rape" in the summary and thought it was just going to be basic tentacle stuff, you know, rape in the Literotica mold where the victim begins enjoying it partway through.  I somehow missed the word "snuff" in the disclaimer, and it wasn't until you described the thorns tearing Peach's flesh that I realized where this was headed.

Nonetheless, your writing style caught my attention, and I thought "If only I could find a story that doesn't feature snuff.  Hmm...well, this Whore of Heaven story isn't snuff, so that means this angel will come out of this okay!" *click*

One hour later...

"I'm sad now..."

THAT'S RIGHT!  The story I couldn't remember?  IT WAS REDS UNDER THE FLOWER BED THE WHOLE TIME!

I bet about now you’re wishing you had continued not remembering it?  

I guess it all worked out in the end, as if you hadn’t gone for it we wouldn’t be getting The Woman In The Statue! The angel did come out of it not entirely broken thanks to you

Thank you again for this unexpected review! I appreciate it.

[InBrightestDay]

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

I think it was intended to be a trollfic originally

That’s the thing about the internet: you can never really tell whether you’re being trolled or whether this is just some really weird fanfiction.

Quote

I have no such excuse for my later Piranha Plant snuff flashfic,  Phytoerotic Asphyxiation.

If nothing else, the title’s kinda funny.

Quote

I bet about now you’re wishing you had continued not remembering it?

Well, I’m never going to like snuff, but it was mercifully short, so it didn’t hurt as much as a longer torture/snuff scene would have.

Quote

I guess it all worked out in the end, as if you hadn’t gone for it we wouldn’t be getting The Woman In The Statue!

I was like a living pinball, bounced from this story to WoH, where I stuck for about a decade before being launched back out...okay, the pinball analogy doesn’t really work, but even so it is kind of strange how things work out sometimes.  Fic works in mysterious ways...

[JayDee]

10 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

If nothing else, the title’s kinda funny.

Thanks!

[JayDee]

And back to kinda funny titles, Lara Croft's Sheep God Trials

Quote

InvidiaRed

Fascinating in that strange trainwreck sorta fashion.

Thanks for the review! Yeah, it does kind of just get worse as it goes on with a sudden death toll and some, uh, stereotypical behavior in the land down under don’t it? It’s a sad sick world when folks can publish shit like this I guess.

[InvidiaRed]

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

And back to kinda funny titles, Lara Croft's Sheep God Trials

Thanks for the review! Yeah, it does kind of just get worse as it goes on with a sudden death toll and some, uh, stereotypical behavior in the land down under don’t it? It’s a sad sick world when folks can publish shit like this I guess.

Fairly tame over all. Or maybe I’ve just become inured to death and gore. I’m surprised you didn’t put a single welsh joke in there.

[JayDee]

The Countess of of Abingdon is far too well bred to stoop to such base abuse against beloved fellow Brits. Now, those ‘bloody colonials’* on the other hand…

*Giles Voice

Struck Down and Sodomised

Quote

InvidiaRed

Any chance for a second chapter?

 

Thanks for your interest! No, probaby not. Instead I ended up writing Shokan Lust on the basis of feedback/request from an MK fan who’d read the Stryker story, and the last main part of that revists the “Sheeva with a cock boning the shit out of a dude” theme although the rest of the story is FF. I kind of misunderstood the request part from the MK Fan and it wasn’t ‘til the first parts were in the bag that they pointed out they’d thought I was gonna write Sheeva with a cock all the way through. Uh, oops.

[InvidiaRed]

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

The Countess of of Abingdon is far too well bred to stoop to such base abuse against beloved fellow Brits. Now, those ‘bloody colonials’* on the other hand…

*Giles Voice

Struck Down and Sodomised

Thanks for your interest! No, probaby not. Instead I ended up writing Shokan Lust on the basis of feedback/request from an MK fan who’d read the Stryker story, and the last main part of that revists the “Sheeva with a cock boning the shit out of a dude” theme although the rest of the story is FF. I kind of misunderstood the request part from the MK Fan and it wasn’t ‘til the first parts were in the bag that they pointed out they’d thought I was gonna write Sheeva with a cock all the way through. Uh, oops.

Never liked Stryker so it was refreshing to see him dominated. 

a cock boning the shit out of dude is always refreshing when done right. You do it well.

[JayDee]

10 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:

Never liked Stryker so it was refreshing to see him dominated. 

a cock boning the shit out of dude is always refreshing when done right. You do it well.

Well, thank you! I did my best.

I kinda liked Stryker when MK3 came out. All the other characters had something to make them extra badass, and here’s a dude in a baseball cap who is just a cop but he’s gonna try anyway. I mean, it coulda been worse. Sindel would probably have choke fucked him.

And you seem to be wholly suffering the effects of quarantine at the moment, finding time to get through a bunch of my old game stories! Look, I know things are bleak in the world but there’s still hope! You don’t need to subject yourself to this unremitting horror! I’m grateful to get the reviews but feeling bad for ya suffering some of this shit like,

 Centaur Mother one of at least a couple stories I wrote with ‘mother’ in the title and generally a lot more wholesome than Zombie Mother…

Quote

InvidiaRed

Those ancient relics just seem to pop out of nowhere don't they.

And now a centaur is born. Nice.

Lara Croft’s got that knack for getting involved with wacky old shit. And I don’t just mean her butler from the old games. I bet she could still get that centaur into a top public school simply by virtue of her title…

Thanks for the comments!

and then The Scout's Dream one of my few pure M/M stories without some non M/M shenanigans going on as well

Quote

InvidiaRed

And they say romance is dead.

They do. Sadly, the voice actor for the TF2 Soldier, Rick May, died recently. He was 79 and hadn’t been well since February, but they wrote some great lines for him to deliver and he always did ‘em well. 

Thanks again for the comments!

[InvidiaRed]

47 minutes ago, JayDee said:

And you seem to be wholly suffering the effects of quarantine at the moment, finding time to get through a bunch of my old game stories! Look, I know things are bleak in the world but there’s still hope! You don’t need to subject yourself to this unremitting horror! I’m grateful to get the reviews but feeling bad for ya suffering some of this shit like, 

Its not that bad. I finished most of your stories. You should give yourself more credit.

[JayDee]

I’m all out of credits and continues!

Game over man, game over! [/Hudson]

[InvidiaRed]

14 hours ago, JayDee said:

I’m all out of credits and continues!

Game over man, game over! [/Hudson]

I think you just forgot to quicksave =p

Though the alien’s reference was delightful

[JayDee]

The Crushing of Cassie Cage

 

Quote

From ANON - Nice on October 08, 2021

Nice comment! Thank you!