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JayDee

JayDee's Review Reply Thread (Movies)

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In this thread I will reply to reviews for any of my movies based stories.

Wow, 18 prompt stories in before doing something movie related. Yeah, there's been all kinds of media for the Wizard of Oz but the prompt story "Poppies! Poppies!" was written with the 1939 movie starring Margaret Hamilton (oh, and Judy Garland...) firmly in mind. Easy enough to avoid an original book based story as the only books I've read are Gregory Maguire's much later take :) The movie also has the advantage that Judy played an older Dorothy, being 16 when they started filming. It's purely a personal thing and I mean nothing against other writers, but I'd feel squicky writing it with the book version. In the end though, what can I say, it has a scene in a poppy field! I know I did a sleeping rape story not too long ago, but I think this one was sufficiently different. Especially with the monkey.

I had to refer to the Wicked Witch of the West just as "Wicked Witch", or I would have needed an extra three words each time (at least by that stage in the film she's the only known living Witch - you'd have to be a necrophiliac foot fetishist to go for the WWotE, not that there's anything wrong with that fantasy if it moves ya...) Only 100 words, dang it!

Anyway, reviews:

bloodravyn: Glad it appealed to you, thanks for the comment. Awesome porn is the best kind :)

pittwitch: Heartless/evil, what's the difference? Weirdly the first image I had was zombies bursting out amongst the poppy fields of Flanders a little while after the first world war... Ding, Dong, the Witch got head... I'm constantly impressed that you manage to stomach this stuff, so thanks as ever for your kind review.

Fairy Slayer: Thanks for your review! I didn't remember a full explanation for the curse in the movie - just figured he was all tinny (but not Tiny, if ya know what I mean) but I was reading about it afterwards and, wow, some of the Tin Man stuff in the earliest book fits in the old "messed up fairy tale" tradition! Going through that sort of thing you'd expect him to be more messed up with violence, really. He just needed the skirt out the way without taking off the whole dress, although the poppy leeching inside thing is a good idea. If anybody else asks I'll say sure, that's it :D

"riveted for her pleasure" - haha :D

I like that, ya gotta find a way to work that into a story of some sort :D The reason I made a point of saying no rivets was because I figured if I went down that route then it would have ended up a lot gorier, blood everywhere. Especially if they were rough edge rivets. Probably it could be specifcially described as being more like one of those bumpy dildos, but there is the word limit stopping too much detail.

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Apollo: Thanks for your review on the Poppy prompted story. Like I noted about I pretty much had to go with Oz for this one, Poppy field! I like being literal with it I guess... Tin Man is definitely a strange figure, he's the only one who carries a lethal weapon, well except maybe the Lion's claws and teeth...!

Now that'd be a buddy cop movie:

"The Tin Man carries a Lethal Weapon, The no-longer-Cowardly Lion Is one!"

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BronxWench - Thanks for your review on "Poppies! Poppies!" - I may be alone in this, but I think it worked well for the prompt simply because every time I think of the story I have an overpowering urge to immitate the Wicked Witch talking about poppies. He really is heartless! :D

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...I figure I ought to quote the reviews I reply too, so the thread actually makes slightly more sense to any casual "Must check all forum active content" users :P

Could there be a sequel? Maybe the rest of the group are just as twisted as Tin Man? Or the Wizard has a "special request" for Dorothy before he helps her?

Cal - Thank you for your questions about "Poppies! Poppies!". I honestly don't think I'd get around to a sequel, but maybe someone else will sometime, heh. The Lion's certainly pretty twisted - he mighta hurt 'em if he wasn't so cowardly when he first met them! And idiots can be talked into anything. The Wizard did have a special request - he wanted the Witch's broomstick :D Ahem, I can see the Wizard/Dorothy appeal actually. Someone has probably already written it. Sorry this probably isn't the answer you were hoping for :(

Edited by JayDee

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First review for my Underworld fanfic, Selene's Quaint, Quint's Not, 2500+ hits and five months after posting!

Jade_Obsession

damn, that was overwealmingly sexy!!!

Thank you kindly for your review. I am glad you enjoyed this story. This makes you unique!

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Got a comment for You Can Take The Boy Out Of The Moisture Farm... , the Star Wars fanfiction most notable for being the first of those I did to feature in Topless Robot's former Fan Fiction Friday articles, which're presumably responsible for some of the hits!

UMMX

Stupid Leia... so being a queen she fuck up.

Thanks for your comment! I feel I should disagree with it though as I think I gave Leia a fairly non stupid reaction to Luke's decision to, well, earn the fic a rapefic tag. Also, she was a Princess and with the planet she was a Princess on blown to shit probably didn't retain the title. I tended to avoid the extended universe for the most part. Except Dark Forces.

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Ahh. Well. Five Women. One Night. [AFF Edit Edition] a story I wrote, and then re-edited for AFF to change one major and some minor characters. Was a very long story for me and whenever I look at it again now the writing feels scrappy as hell. So many errors. I once planned out a sequel, was gonna have Rain Robinson from Star Trek: Voyager. Probably for the best I never wrote it.

Churn

This story was awesome. Words cannot describe. I tip my hat to you.

Thank you for your review! Glad you liked it. And it's always nice to see folks wearing hats in this day and age.

Edited by JayDee

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Hey man, I respect your creativity and all, but like I said when y'emailed me I'd generally prefer not to see celeb stuff. I realise that the version on AFF isn't a celeb story, but it's still real people photo manips. And while I gotta give props for the suprisingly appropropriate Predator cock I'd really appreciate it if you didn't share more photomanips with me. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I totally get you're expressing your creativity around my stories and I do respect that, but these days it makes me a little uncomfortable. It's way me. It's weird, because I like drawings and that, but photo manips terrify me. Obviously it's up to you what you choose to do, I can only put my thoughts out there in reply.

Good luck, though, with your future creative works. I hope you continue having fun!

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Got a comment for You Can Take The Boy Out Of The Moisture Farm... , the Star Wars fanfiction most notable for being the first of those I did to feature in Topless Robot's former Fan Fiction Friday articles, which're presumably responsible for some of the hits!

I'm jealous; I've written some really vile stories, and I NEVER get press like this. :)

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Guest Edward

Hey man, I respect your creativity and all, but like I said when y'emailed me I'd generally prefer not to see celeb stuff. I realise that the version on AFF isn't a celeb story, but it's still real people photo manips. And while I gotta give props for the suprisingly appropropriate Predator cock I'd really appreciate it if you didn't share more photomanips with me. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I totally get you're expressing your creativity around my stories and I do respect that, but these days it makes me a little uncomfortable. It's way me. It's weird, because I like drawings and that, but photo manips terrify me. Obviously it's up to you what you choose to do, I can only put my thoughts out there in reply.

Good luck, though, with your future creative works. I hope you continue having fun!

Do You want that I delete my covers from here?

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Guest Mr Hyde
Sorry, JayDee, Mr Hyde and Edward (Hyde too) are the same person - me.


One more time: if You want - ask admin to delete my covers...

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Two movie story reviews! Thanks for these also!

"Poppies! Poppies!"

NecroNOMNOMicon
I must confess that this story really made me laugh. From calling Scarecrow at straw-filled buffoon to...er, activating his artificial appendage, I was smiling all the way through. One wonders what the creator of the Tin Man had in mind when he was created. Perhaps it was a mechanically inclined lady who built him? In the land of Oz, that almost seems likely. (The damn Flying Monkeys still terrify me, though -- I could have lived a long and healthy life without reading that part) I think it would be be worth another chapter just to see Dorothy waking up and look down and her bulging panties and think, "WTF?" Then Tin Man points at the Lion and shrugs his shoulders.


Yeah, ya gotta have a laugh at some of the stranger pairings! I think, and I may be wrong here, but I think the Tin Man was actually originally a flesh and blood guy who got all his parts replaced. But they might have had a different explanation in the movie, been a while since I saw it. I actually found the unturnable hourglass way scarier when I was a kid. I dunno why, but lets face it - time fucks most of us in the end. Damn that pimp daddy time. You couldn't blame the lion! :D He's gonna have a spiny feline cock! It'd leave a mark! :D. Maybe if Tin Man had more rivets...

You Can Take The Boy Out Of The Moisture Farm...

NecroNOMNOMicon
I enjoyed this story a lot. I especially liked how you linked the darkness of Luke's actions to the weakness that claimed Annakin. Giving in to anger is clearly a family trait. And I see that in Leia's actions at the end, too. She promises he will die in pain because her anger is that intense. And then forcing her rapist to murder her basically out of blazing self-loathing tells us she could have gone over to the Dark Side, too. Also, the sexy bits were very sexy!

Dark Side Leia is more realistic than death eater Ron! I mean, sure, Luke resisted it but Leia would've totally been "I can do my hair how? I'm in!" Maybe that'll be the new film and she'll be the one to kill Han and Chewie. Or not. Yeah, I was never much of one for the happy ending rape fics. Though out of a deep commitment to hypocrisy I did some later.

Well, thanks again for all your reviews! I hope you didn't waste too much time on that stuff. Some of it is kind've embarrassing to look back over. Don't take my word for it, check out the topless robot quotes.

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The Horsecock of a Different Color

SultrySoiree
It's a great story. I enjoyed it. I would like if you would add more to it or do a story about other characters that Dorothy has relations with.


Thank you for your review! I don't think I'll add more to this one, but I think there's a good chance I'll do Dorothy with other characters at some point! I would really like to do a story with her and the Witch, and maybe also the flying monkeys.

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The Horsecock of a Different Color reminds me I haven't even had time to do flashfics :( Sigh. A review!



NecroNOMNOMicon
I enjoyed this story very much -- a great bestiality piece! What really sets it apart for me is the attention to detail, such as Dorothy wondering if she could feel the horse changing colors! I'd never thought of that and it makes sense. And the bit about farm chores giving her forearms strong enough to jerk off a horse made me LOL! The action was sexy and got almost poetic when the horse cumming was described as a fire in her belly that would burn forever. Nice work!

Thank you for your review! I figure Dorothy could punch out a charging bull with those arms. Tough farm girl! The Horse of a Different Color was a pretty awesome effect for the time the film came out, it's nice to bring it back for a story. Thanks again!

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Five Women. One Night. [AFF Edit Edition]

Snore

Finally read it! I think you've managed a really good and, oddly ( :P), believable crossover here. The degree in violence feels true to the Predator movies (okay, it was a bit more graphic here). What felt a bit out of place are the rapes, just because the rest doesn't feel like a parody to me, but an earnest (and imo successful) attempt to make the story realistic within the fandoms' parameters. Be that as it may, your imagination and ability to convey are magnificent as usual.

Thanks for the review, hope it didn't take too long to read through! Glad you liked it! I think some of the recent movies were aimed at a younger audience, so probably had less in the way of skinned corpses and sexual tyrannosauruses. I never saw the AvP films actually. Thanks again for the feedback, I've been so damn busy I hardly remember writing!

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Nah, just took me about three months to read it through in one go. RL is a bitch lately and concentration is suffering from it. I was referring to the more graphic original movie with Schwarzenegger and its sequel with Danny Glover. The AvP movies suck though II is also very violent (it still sucks).

Hmm, maybe some drabbles help?

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Flaying Solo is ten years old. I wrote it for Deathstalker who named the character to be used. Deathstalker wrote a story in exchange for me. It was a story exchange, not a monetary exchange. All of the old “New Jedi Order” stuff has been quietly dropped into the Legends bin, and Jaina never existed. Which kind’ve makes Disney worse than me. Just sayin’

Anyway, a decade later I’ve had another review:

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From tcr

 

I had to read yours after seeing your signature on the Forums.

 

This was quite interesting.  Quite descriptive, intense, and well written.  The pace was exactly as needed throughout and the details...  They were shiver inducing and excellent; I could picture everything (well, I strayed away from the eyes; personal history and eyes, don't do well), but definitely glad I read it.

 

Thank you for your review! I don’t think this is quite what people mean when they talk about shipping characters, but Deathstalker seemed happy with it way back when. Personal history, huh? I was gonna crack an eye joke, but you probably wouldn’t appreciate the humor. I’m happy you liked it anyhow, thanks again for the review. 

Edited by JayDee

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You Can Take The Boy Out Of The Moisture Farm… Remembered as one of my stories reviewed by Topless Robot has had another review –

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ANON

holy fuck that was DARK

Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. Yes, yes it is. Sorry ‘bout that. If I could give back the time you wasted reading it, I would!

Edited by JayDee

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Five Women. One Night. [AFF Edit Edition] 18584 hits and before the most recent reviews, 4 reviews! A story that at least partly inspired a series of sequels to be requested of the legendary author Deathstalker, a genius of the written word. This one, on the other hand is, uh, well, JayDee quality. Still, it seems that after reading DS’s epics one bold reviewer has waxed curious over the origin of the Villain Sue OC and let this curiousity overcome common sense. Hence,

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@InBrightestDay

Well, over on the other site, I've been doing my next long-form reaction posts to the Gogedheh series, and I figured I should go back and check out the beginning of this epic saga.

Thank you for the reviews! I am genuinely appreciative and grateful to get some feedback on this ancient thing. I personally hope that having been through alla the stories you finally decide to do your own Samus vs Predator work, because that outline you had sounded really badass. I fear you will be hugely disappointed given that Deathstalker is a really good writer capable of infusing true emotion and characterization and I was even more of a talently hack over a decade ago.

For anybody else reading this and curious, this post over on the Great Wall promo’d the other site ref’d – http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/topic/20643-the-depravity-repository/?tab=comments#comment-226004

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The plot of the original version of this story was requested by Phantom on the CSSA forums where I lurk. Quite frankly, without phantom this story would not exist.

So this is all his fault!

Or hers! This was the original request in case you’re curious and I’ve PM’d you the whole thread if you want to know more [/Starship Troopers]

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Phantom January 14, 2007, 09:59:56 am

A Predator arrives on earth. To prove his manhood (or alienhood), his crab-faced brothers have appointed him the task of raping five  human female celebrities in a single night with his twelve-inch alien cock whilst avoiding/killing the police who stand in his way.

Whether he collects Paris Hilton's skull and polishes it when he's done is optional.

Needless to say I went the fictional character rather than celebrity route. Well, mostly. There was on big exception that may now be explained. And the AFF edit edition cleared out the exception. So moving on before people remember I once did celeb stories.

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Anyway, long before he was a nigh-invulnerable god of rape, Gogedheh came from humble beginnings...

He was the greatest hunter in every other environment. He slaughtered the hard meat like they were nothing. He withstood extremes of temperature and atmospheric conditions that would kill a lesser hunter.

Well, maybe not that humble.

god of rape? Well, there’s an idea for a story-  Gogedheh vs Eparlegna in the “Great British Raping Show”

“This one’s got a soggy bottom”

“Oh, lot of cream on those buns.”

“Tarts”

etc etc

No, but I guess if you’re gonna have a total villain sue effortlessly beating canon characters who, in many cases, would easily destroy him without a thought you might as well go full retard with it. Which is what I did. His descriptions sound like his Mom wrote them.

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At any rate, let's get into this.  I know this might be bad, but I've seen worse (either that or Deathstalker punched me so hard emotionally with one of those stories that I'm numb at the moment), so come at me, JayDee!  YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT!

5) Cher Horowitz – Kidnapped in college, brainwashed and trained to work for a government agency as the US Government’s top Assassin and counter-intelligence agent.

I ju-wha?  *laughs* Damn it, man, I was not ready for that!

Hey, Clueless was an absolute classic film! Clueless vs Predator woulda been a better film than Prometheus.

Thanks again for this review.

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Chapter 2

Alright, so this chapter-

In the room below an alliance was being hashed out between Wendy, leader of the Girls of Old Town, and Vivian Ward, former hooker, wife of an extremely powerful financier and indirect runner of almost all the girls in the city of angels.

*Googles Vivian Ward* Damn it, JayDee...

Actually, I might be adjusting to the insanity here, at least to an extent.  The idea of Julia Roberts as a ruthless crime lord is hilarious.

Thanks! There’s actually a few little references like that tossed in to each chapter. I think my favorite – to the extent I can still remember it today! – is a one paragraph throwaway reference to The Long Kiss Goodnight in one of the chapters. I totally think Julia has the acting chops to do crimelord, but in another way that line is a little sweet – I mean, at least her character’s marriage worked out after Pretty Woman!

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Anyway, here we establish how these chapters basically go, and it's interesting to see the beginning of what turned out to be traditions in the Gogedheh series.  For instance, I'm pretty sure that at some point in every story he catches a woman's hand, squeezes until her wrist breaks, and then grinds the bones together.  It's like a tradition.  You also introduced the semi-traditions (these aren't as common as the wrist break) of Gogedheh rupturing a woman's uterus due to being just that big and of him using his vocal mimicry to parrot some line at her as a taunt.

I think some of those traditions are totally from the films. Well, not the uterus one. But I could swear someone gets a wrist broken at least once, and the play back taunting is definitely a film trope. I guess it’s a thing in fanfiction to take the film stuff and use it in different, entirely perverse ways. Cool to think that DS got his own spin on ‘em later though. I guess it’s a little bit of ongoing characterisation – though I remember that with DS’s there had to be some character elasticity to fit in with the requester’s wishes. Such as his developing a desire to keep going after Lara Crofts like some kind of gotta catch ‘em all pokemon hunt.

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One tradition I was surprised didn't start here was...

It wore a plate metal breastplate across it’s chest, wire mesh over much of the rest of it’s flesh and a sort of loose leather buttoned pouch around it’s crotch.

...the nature of the codpiece.  Here, Gogedheh is wearing a pretty normal codpiece.  In the later stories it's an armored codpiece which, in case you haven't Googled it, looks freaking hilarious.

I think I just wanted to go for something he could tug aside easily or possibly had a look at the film outfit and went for something close to that. Kind of a porn pouch thing. No doubt some unpleasant kicks and/or punches led to DS having him adopt the greater protection. Or possibly he looked at some metal codpieces and spent as much time laughing as you :D

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Miho was faced with an eight and a half foot biped with greenish-brown skin.

Eight and a half feet?  The Jungle Hunter and City Hunter were both about 7'3" (played by the 7'2" Kevin Peter Hall, and it's safe to assume the makeup adds another inch).  You know, I've been building a psychological profile/character study of him in my reaction posts, but maybe it wasn't necessary.  Maybe this has all been roid rage the whole time.

Haha, yeah, maybe he was actually a bookish nice guy before he got gassed up! Then Hulk Hogan sent him some vitamins and BAM! BAM! SPLURT! or something.

Hey, you get variation of heights amongst humans, too! If one dude can be 5’4 and another can be 7’2 then having a Predator a foot or more bigger than the film one (Gotta get that Villain Sue bigger and better shit in there!) maybe isn’t so unlikely!

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For the record, DS shrank him down to eight feet, though I don't know if he did that on purpose or by accident.

We’ll just assume he was wearing some platform shoes for this one, to extra intimidate his shortest target :D Or stood on a half-foot tall thing on the roof that Miho hadn’t seen so from her perspective he was 8 and a half… I dunno. Actually, it is entirely possible I have a different height later in the story. Continuity and me…

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The chapter's pretty quick, all told, but it's done well, and I like some of the little anatomical details, like the fact that Predators have internal testicles because high temperatures actually benefit their male gametes.  It's kind of humorous, but at the same time is a detail that makes the creature feel more alien

Thank you again! I didn’t remember he had internal testicals. I wonder if that detailed stayed in throughout or got quietly forgotten? I also wonder what the hell made me think of it. Ahh well, thanks for coming along for the ride with this thing. If you stick it out for the rest of the chapters I hope there isn’t anything that upsets you too bad (I mean, besides the quality of the writing) and that you’re able to find some entertainment value. Somewhere. Under a rock at the back of a scene, maybe.

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22 hours ago, JayDee said:

I personally hope that having been through alla the stories you finally decide to do your own Samus vs Predator work, because that outline you had sounded really badass.

I may yet.  It’s hard to say, though, given how difficult Gogedheh’s actual strength is to pin down.

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I fear you will be hugely disappointed given that Deathstalker is a really good writer capable of infusing true emotion and characterization and I was even more of a talently hack over a decade ago.

I mean, Deathstalker consistently misspells “scraping” and “scraped” as “scrapping” and “scrapped”.  Nobody’s perfect.

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Needless to say I went the fictional character rather than celebrity route. Well, mostly. There was on big exception that may now be explained. And the AFF edit edition cleared out the exception.

Oh yeah, I noticed that.  From my reaction post concerning Multiverse Trophies:

Now, I admittedly have not read Five Women. One Night., but looking at the chapter titles I get the idea.  A Yautja (Predator, for simplicity's sake, from here on out) arrives on Earth who specifically hunts women.  He tracks and kills five of them, Lara Croft, Beatrix Kiddo and Miho from Sin City among them.  I should be able to follow this without having any questions.

He glared at the five human skulls mounted to his trophy wall with angered disdain. Deadly Little Miho, Natalie Cook, Beatrix Kiddo, Lara Croft, and Paris Hilton.

tenor.gif?itemid=4710291

I don't know what the circumstances are precisely, but somewhere, somehow, JD is responsible for this.

So yeah, that answers that! :D
 

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god of rape? Well, there’s an idea for a story-  Gogedheh vs Eparlegna in the “Great British Raping Show”

...

No, but I guess if you’re gonna have a total villain sue effortlessly beating canon characters who, in many cases, would easily destroy him without a thought you might as well go full retard with it. Which is what I did. His descriptions sound like his Mom wrote them.

Funny you should mention Eparlegna.  Roundabout Becoming the Hunted (wherein Gogedheh wades through the cast of Mass Effect) he pretty much turns into Eparlegna.  Morally speaking, and in terms of what they do, they’re essentially the same guy at this point, the only difference being that Gogedheh does this stuff when he’s mad, while Eparlegna does it because it’s fun.

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I think some of those traditions are totally from the films. Well, not the uterus one. But I could swear someone gets a wrist broken at least once, and the play back taunting is definitely a film trope.

On the vocal mimicry, absolutely.  I don’t remember Predator 2 as well as I do the first film and Predators, but the City Hunter may have broken someone’s wrist in that.  Celtic does it in the first AVP film (a redshirt pulls a gun on him, so he grabs the guy’s wrist and very quickly snaps it).

You make a very good point concerning the height difference.  Just because the Yautja in the films all tend to be around the same height doesn’t mean there couldn’t be larger ones.  As for the internal testicles...maybe you didn’t want to have to describe his balls so you decided they were inside?

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If you stick it out for the rest of the chapters I hope there isn’t anything that upsets you too bad (I mean, besides the quality of the writing)

I appreciate that, though I don’t know if anything in here is going to do what the other stories did (Becoming the Hunted features a torture scene so long and detailed that I didn’t feel anything, emotionally speaking, for a good 15 minutes afterward, or as I put it to Deathstalker...), and there is, like, plenty of entertainment value!

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1 hour ago, InBrightestDay said:

I may yet.  It’s hard to say, though, given how difficult Gogedheh’s actual strength is to pin down.

Omnipotence paradox: “Could the rape deity jerk off hard enough to detach his own cock?”

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I mean, Deathstalker consistently misspells “scraping” and “scraped” as “scrapping” and “scrapped”.  Nobody’s perfect.
 

Got a sticky pp eh?

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Oh yeah, I noticed that.  From my reaction post concerning Multiverse Trophies:

Now, I admittedly have not read Five Women. One Night., but looking at the chapter titles I get the idea.  A Yautja (Predator, for simplicity's sake, from here on out) arrives on Earth who specifically hunts women.  He tracks and kills five of them, Lara Croft, Beatrix Kiddo and Miho from Sin City among them.  I should be able to follow this without having any questions.

I don't know what the circumstances are precisely, but somewhere, somehow, JD is responsible for this. So yeah, that answers that! :D
 

Yeppers. It was all Phantom’s responsibility! Cher seemed like a good equally unlikely replacement.

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Funny you should mention Eparlegna.  Roundabout Becoming the Hunted (wherein Gogedheh wades through the cast of Mass Effect) he pretty much turns into Eparlegna.  Morally speaking, and in terms of what they do, they’re essentially the same guy at this point, the only difference being that Gogedheh does this stuff when he’s mad, while Eparlegna does it because it’s fun.

Eparlegna: “Can’t it be both? It’s even more fun when I’m mad. Unless that wingless’s bitch’s meat dildo keeps making cracks about Lucifer being better.”

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On the vocal mimicry, absolutely.  I don’t remember Predator 2 as well as I do the first film and Predators, but the City Hunter may have broken someone’s wrist in that.  Celtic does it in the first AVP film (a redshirt pulls a gun on him, so he grabs the guy’s wrist and very quickly snaps it).

I never saw AVP! I didn’t know they had a celtic predator – does he have a kilt and carry bag pipes on his hunts?

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You make a very good point concerning the height difference.  Just because the Yautja in the films all tend to be around the same height doesn’t mean there couldn’t be larger ones.  As for the internal testicles...maybe you didn’t want to have to describe his balls so you decided they were inside?

Or maybe just didn’t want ‘em to get kicked to often! That could have been a funny running gag – he gets whalloped in the balls on every hunt, but the guy hasn’t got any outside!

I don’t mind describing balls – alla my futa fics have been the coin purse variety rather than the card slot, and in that one M/M/Transwoman fic I wrote everyone had balls.

Unless they’re gonna pull the CGI/LOTR hobbit route or forced perspective/standing on crates Tom Cruise route I guess the films were always gonna be limited by actual human actor height.

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I appreciate that, though I don’t know if anything in here is going to do what the other stories did (Becoming the Hunted features a torture scene so long and detailed that I didn’t feel anything, emotionally speaking, for a good 15 minutes afterward, or as I put it to Deathstalker...), and there is, like, plenty of entertainment value!

Yeah, you’re probably right! Still, if something does blindside ya… sorry ‘bout that :)

I really appreciate the reviews and the feedback discussion even all these years later, and now on to the part 3 review! Part 3, which has that Joey from Friends casting gag near the start, The angels were deep in conversation about Alex’s actor boyfriend, who Dylan was convinced was the lost twin of another actor she’d met and fucked in New York City.

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Chapter 3

This is actually one of the sadder chapters.  I think part of this is because unlike with Miho, who comes from an R-rated film with tons of death, this chapter is based on the Charlie's Angels movies, which were goofy action comedies, and it's kind of jarring, for instance, to see Alex and Dylan get shredded, in fairly realistic fashion, by shaped charge explosives.  I think it's also sad because you generally put more emphasis on the emotions Natalie feels during the whole thing, her horror and pain as she watches her friends die, her shame from orgasming from her rape and that little moment where she thinks about her and her friends, happy together, just before she bleeds out from Gogedheh slitting her throat.

Thanks again for the review! I think with the first chapter I was mostly getting a feel for the story and the big guy’s actions and it simply is the shortest/most basic of them as a result. Natalie does kick some ass there, but when he ankle’s done thats about it. I can totally see how it’s a little sadder than the last part. Might even be the saddest, if you discount Beatrix being a Mom or Sonya’s unrewarded dedication to duty.

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Don't get me wrong, this didn't hurt me too badly (I didn't discover have a Charlie's Angels-based depression button or anything), but still, there was real emotion in this.  Natalie also puts up a lot more of a fight than Miho did, which brings me to something you said long ago.

So no SCAO oneshot? :p I mean, these are angels… I kid I kid!

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Apparently someone called you out on Natalie zapping Gogedheh with an electrical cable from the lighting fixture due to the moment in Predator 2 where the City Hunter catches a lightning bolt with his combistick.  I don;t think this is actually a mistake at all.  My read on the Predator 2 scene is that the lightning struck the City Hunter's combistick and was then channeled around his body by the mesh he's wearing, which I presume is conductive; the creature isn't immune to electricity or anything.  Here, you specifically mention that Natalie jams the cable up against Gogedheh's skin through a gap in his armor, so the conductive mesh shouldn't factor in.

Huh. Well. Huh. I mean, if you’ve got a scientific answer for it that makes the story fit in with the film then I pretty much have to accept it ‘cos you know science and the physics of these things! I’ve been telling folks how I fucked up that scene badly for years after that previous review (which may have been on hentai-foundry?) and now it turns out that the movie Predator had himself some conducting taking care of it! Hey, I feel better! Thank you!

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There's also an image here I liked.

There were large metal girder supports visible across the roof of the club, part of the ‘Raw Design’. Gogedheh pulled himself up onto one of the strong girders and took position close to where Alex, Dylan and his target, the warrior Natalie Cook, were talking together.

The image of the Predator crouched in the metal girders of a building, hidden in the urban environment, just seems cool, like it would be right at home in one of the movies.

Stealth hunting Predator doin’ some steal hunting! Hell, it probably is my way of describing the way the guy in the second movie spends a lot of time up top checking things out, waiting for Natalie to be on her own so the minimum number of non-warriors get in the way. This was his early “basically decent for a murderous rapist” days :D

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For things with ripple effects through the Gogedheh saga, there are two elements of note here.  First are the explosive traps Gogedheh uses on the bathroom door.  They popped up again in a later story, where he used them to take out one of the Mass Effect characters.

The second pertains to character.

Gogedheh targeted his shoulder cannon on Alex’s head. She looked up into three bright red dots and managed to nod urgently when she recognised them as a kind of laser targeting system. He fired a single plasma shot past Natalie and ended the fallen angel’s suffering.

The mercy kill he performs on Alex is a show of empathy, which pops up again in Multiverse Trophies where, when his plasmacaster (apparently acting on its own) kills Sam and Reboot Lara cries out in grief, he slashes her throat, killing her without finishing raping her.  When he gets back to his ship, he actually berates himself for that, and never does it again.  It's interesting to look at this in terms of the character evolving and, over multiple stories, purging himself of these emotions.

I bet DS didn’t remember them here at all, and came up with it independently – must have been years since he glanced at the original story before writing the new one and shaped charges aren’t totally uncommon :)

Second point tho’ yeah, again early Gogedheh (‘Go Get Her’ at least isn’t a silly backwards name while still being terrible...) still having some delusions of conscience or morality. And maybe a smidge of remorse. Later on as the requests demanded it he becomes even harder and less capable of human empathy than that weird biped tutle who runs the Senate for the Republicans. From what I remember DS did a pretty good job of getting the continuity in his stories to work internally even with different request demands.

Thank you again! It’s really interesting to hear thoughts on the story and I’ve re-read part 2 myself to get it back in my mind and, yeah, not sure how many folks managed to get through this thing…

Edited by JayDee

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...I just spent ages writing this reply and then lost it thanks to accidentally closing the tab. Take two, everyone to position and action!

Thank you @InBrightestDay for reading and reviewing parts 4 and 5 of this story! I genuinely appreciate the heck out of your taking this time to go through this mess.

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Chapter 4

So now we shift into dark...ish comedy, and the sheer surreality of it is amazing.  I don't even really know where to start, so let's just go to...

Made of red leather and strapped tightly enough to bite into her tanned skin, it secured twin fourteen inch vibrating dildos – moulded from real donkey cocks

...the first time this chapter made me laugh.  I can't say why that specific detail made me laaugh, but it did.

“Like, awesome!” she whispered, as the sweat soaked Japanese woman shuddered through another forced climax.

Second time it made me laugh.

Whoohoo! Always awesome making folks laugh! Imagine being the poor bastard who has to make those dildo moulds. You’re having a quiet day and suddenly a crazy government type has a special order.

The agent’s a very sick woman. She wasn’t born with it, it was maybelline. Jane Maybelline, Black Ops brainwashing specialist and folk musician.

Pray you never hear her mandolin.

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Terrified, wondering if this was some kind of sick Glen Quagmire

Giggity

approved joke, Tricia complied.

Sometimes fanfic can’t help but be in character, and that guy is straight up a rapist!

Who else but Quagmire?

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It's weird, and I'm sure for a lot of people this was hot, but I was just mostly laughing my way through this chapter.  Sorry I don't have a ton to say here, but fortunately, I read two chapters in a row, so on to the next one!

Hey, any comments are good! Always great to get feedback and like I say it’s cool you found stuff to laugh over! At some point someone’ll look at this and go “Concrete doesn’t work that way” and “chemical burns, severe fuckin’ chemical burns” maybe.

I dunno if this was especially meant to be hot, being so short, or just introducing the agent and her twisted ways. Wasn’t Tricia in the original either!

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Chapter 5

Did Beatrix have a daughter in Kill Bill?  I can't remember. 

Finding out she was pregnant was her motivation for leaving Bill, leading to the massacre and her coma. She finds out her daughter survived – presumably c-section – and left with her at the end of the second film. I like to think they had a long/happy life and that other options such as Vernita’s daughter taking revenge, or BB secretly being really angry that her Mom, who had been in a coma all her life, came and killed her Dad, and takes her own revenge…

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Pretty sure she didn't kill a Predator with an RPG in the film, though.  I think I'd have remembered that.

That was the post credits stinger. I kid, I kid! but I think of anyone could take a Pred out, she could, and although his targets were a bit limied by the selection of badasses needing to all be in roughly the same geographic location – no multiverse hopping for this slaughter bunny!- it I think I probably thought at least one of them would likely have encountered a Pred in this universe where they’re hunting on Earth, and must have selected her for it. I’d forgotten that was even in there until re-reading it!

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Two miles away and a few minutes before a series of charges took out the electricity supply of Mushroom Kingdom Inc.’s factory & HQ. The complex was one of the front businesses of two Italian-American brothers and their cousin, all by the name of Toscano. While Mushroom Kingdom Inc. cultivated mushrooms for sale to city restaurants, the Toscanos made most of their money through a large slice of the city’s illegal drugs trade.

Heh, I get it, 'cause it's two Italian brothers like the Mario brothers and...anyway.  It's a funny little reference, but moving on...

I’m trying to remember if giving them the surname Toscano had any reference to anything. It’s got a definite echo of a minor Preacher comic character, but his name was Toscani. Then again, Toscano does mean Tuscany… eh, I dunno.

I bet those mushrooms were well fed though.

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Beatrix's intro here is really cool, with a great description of her moving through the building and taking out the guards in a manner rather similar to the Predator itself.  Of course, Gogedheh arrives on the upper floor and moves down while Beatrix moves up, so...

Apparantly some folks find something inherantly call about tall blonde badasses kicking ass. Thank you especially for the compliment on the description! Glad it worked out. Can’t imagine being caught in the middle of that shitshow would have been any fun for the guards. Death above and below… but at least Kiddo was happy for ‘em to run away if they didn’t mess with her. Shame they messed with her really.

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“He killed Mario! Holy fuck he killed Mario! Where the fuck is-”

*laughing* Wow, they're actually named Maario and Luigi, and there's a reference to their cousin, Big W.  Unfortunately, their princess was in another cas...wait.

The bodyguard Daisy backed away.

The other bodyguard's not...

She was mine, bitch! She… she was my peach!

Earlier...

Kiddo vaguely recognised them; called themselves The Ninja Princesses or some tacky western shit.

*shakes fist at the sky* JAAAAYDEEEEE!!!

Hahaha, thanks! The story really earned that super mario brothers mention in the disclaimer at the start of part 1!

You know, blowing my own trumpet here but I think that anguished she was my peach! line really works. eh.

It’s probably not the first time some kiddo has got Peach killed. Like one playing a game. Super Mario Bros 2 on the NES I’m looking at you, you reskinned fuck. Yeah, sure, cut out the floating just above the deadly drop you piece a shit. Huh. 30 years and still some annoyance.

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Anyway, moving on.

He noticed a tube of Pringles sitting on the nearest desk and grabbed it. Kiddo felt

Well, pretty sure Pringles were never used like that in any of the other stories. 

DS has much better taste in snack foods! I dunno where the fuck using that like that came from either. I mean, these guys are Italian-Americans. There wasn’t some Italian sausage around? Mario’s severed forearm?

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On the other hand, in Becoming the Hunted, Gogedheh's complete annihilation of the Normandy crew, with extra brutal violence, extreme torture, etc., all stemmed from his rage at having his trophy collection destroyed, of having his self image attacked.  I expressed in my reaction post that this read a lot like what's technically called "narcissistic rage."

He saw things more clearly then; Beatrix Kiddo had been a great warrior, she just hadn’t been a match for him. Gogedheh – the greatest hunter in the universe!

Narcissistic traits?  Check!

Villain Sue traits! No wonder this got trashed on that fanfiction mockery forum. No, I think you’re absolutely right. I mean, by this stage in the story he’s taken down three bad asses and a load of mushroom kingdom private security and getting more and more full of himself – which presumably increased as he kept going after Laras.

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I do appreciate both the level of prep Gogedheh puts into hunting Beatrix (the fact that he basically blinded her with a laser pointer is kind of funny) and the threat she poses to him even after being blinded.  This is also the only time in the entire saga that Gogedheh is forced to kill a woman with his plasmacaster out of sheer panic.  Every other time, he defeats the woman before raping her, and then kills her.  this is extremely unique, and what happens in the other stories could well be him learning from this.

It really isn’t the only time a tall blonde comes close to defeating him either- Samus sure did in that one of DS’s stories I mentioned to you that I think set you off down the DS fic rabbit hole! If it hadn’t been for the darned canonically impossible EMP…

“Are we learning yet?” Ahem.

Thank you once again for the reviews. Abolutely enjoyed the heck out of reading them, and that JAAAAYDEEEEE!!! bit had me laughing out loud!

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