Sinfulwolf

That is an issue with me as well. The safe and easy method. Sometimes I need to force myself against my own grain to get doing what I want done. But yeah, give the expression one a try. I think the simplest one of that type I’ve used was:
Just a simple thing to get the scene flowing. I do use frowns far far far too often though.

Oh the action one is oh so fun. But I like my build up too much to rely on it overly much. I use the expression one too often methinks. Or, another one I use a bit two much. A couple sentences explaining what happened just before the scene started. I do this for finishing walks and such. Or, more recently to give a couple paragraphs description of a car ride through New York full of a bunch of pissed off protesters.

Sometimes I think about it in terms of a movie shot. What’s the first thing I want the reader to see, and why? Sometimes I’ll start with the environment and slowly pull in to the characters. I might do this because it’s an interesting set piece. Something odd, or helps ground the reader where they are. If I want things to get going really quick, I describe an action. Like a punch being thrown, or a moan as someone thrusts inside my hero… or perhaps she’s on top…

Then of course the close up of a character. Show an expression, kind bring up that “why they frowning?” question into the mix. Hopefully it works as a hook. Or just open with dialogue. 

I do try to change things up for myself, but like many, I can fall into patterns pretty easily.

It’s alll about that hook.

Well, been a while since having to crack fingers here…
A two-fer from SinfulWolf (which, btw, thank you so much for), both on Hunted:

From SinfulWolf on July 30, 2018
I'll be doing another review later when I finish everything, but wanted to leave something for the first chapter to partially let you know you have a new reader. 
First off I'd like to mention that I rather enjoyed this as an opening. Set a bit of the state with bits of information, but not large info dumps that would have been boring. Small ones sure, and they might have been able to be trimmed down a touch... but it still worked here as establishing the setting.
I think my only real complaint for this chapter was the fight. It was so one sided and quick that I wasn't entirely sure why she was running and hiding in the first place. Perhaps because she tapped into that blood rage? If so I think it needs to be made just a bit more clear.
Still, greatly looking forward to reading the rest of this. Quite excited for it, gore and all.
 
I owe a vast majority of those ‘small’ info dumps (and this is a compliment, because I have a tendency to include massive info dumps...) to my beta there.  She’s constantly been getting me to cut back on some of the information I throw down and intercut it with the rest of the novel instead of in one eighty-line paragraph (...exaggeration, yes, but I’m sure it feels like that sometimes).  Admittedly, as you’ve said, the fight was one sided and that was intentional on my part, but perhaps too one sided.  It was intended to introduce the concept of the bloodrage in there, not to mention the Guard and Idun and Cheyenne, but also to show that a lack of cohesion within the group does lead to a rather quick and bloody end.  Although, as you said, probably would have been good to expand on that.
 
AND:
From SinfulWolf on July 30, 2018
 
Well... now I need to wait it seems. I'll be patient, I'm slow enough with my own work to pester others. But I rather enjoy this story. I like the growing relationship between the three. I love that you didn't go for a typical love triangle and that you're exploring a polyamourous relationship. There's so very few of those I find (Granted I am new to this site). I love the touch of history and using the Varangian Guard as the vampire hunters in the setting. It's also quite a switch, especially to vampire fans, to have the hunters being the 'villains'. And they are downright villainous. Some readers might not like this, but this is definately a "mileage may vary" kind of moment on how to portray the antagonists.

So things I've noticed though. Careful with the use of Gods' names. Later on you were using proper Roman Gods (Juno, Venus, etc.), but earlier you were using Greek Gods (Zeus being the first one to pop out at me). 

I really like that you're being very graphic with the violence. Love it. Vampires should be brutal, bloody, killing machines. And you've captured that with the arm rippings, decapitations, and disembowelments. It's fuckin awesome. My only real recomendation for the action scenes would be to perhaps slow down a touch. Sometimes there's so much happening, and your offering sometimes rather similar descriptions, that it can be difficult to see exactly what's happening. Put a little weight into the fights and kills, cause I'd really like to see what you come up with.

Another small thing I've noticed is that most characters who are straight in this story seem to be completely and utterly bigoted. Again, its your story, so I don't want you to change stuff there if that is your intention, but it is certainly something I've noticed and became somewhat glaring later on. Especially with the introduction of Shy's ex. It's a bit over the top, and I think some inclusion of more subtle bigotry can also really help sell the story of these three leading ladies as well.
All in all, quite enjoying your three characters. The different kinds of strengths and vulnerabilities they show, how they interact with one another. And I do quite enjoy the sex when it does show up. But story is queen here, and I'm in for the long haul. 
Looking forward to the next installment! 
Well, I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying it, firstly.  And I’m glad you like the interactions and growing relationship between the three.  I was absolutely worried that I would have botched it drastically.  It’s a first venture into the polyamorous relationship dynamic, so it’s been one of those worrying things ;).  I do have a tendency to write in a more flipped expectations idea (ie: everyone’s heroes are the villains, et cetera), and I certainly love putting that spin on things.
I admit, I did come across the alternating Greek/Roman mythological names and corrected them in the master file.  As for the fights and violence, I’ve been told that the graphic natures of them are among some of my better work (and I have to agree).  And I certainly love the unabated violence that can be portrayed within them; I tried to use the violent tendencies of the Varangian Guard as a foil to the attempted gentler (well, when not provoked) nature of Lucretia and the rest.
For the hetero characters, I admit, I wasn’t too sure about what you meant, so I went back through and read over it again.  You do have a point here, though I never actually thought about it.  Indeed, I had almost forgotten about the Twobears until I read it again.  Rita was always written to be bigoted (and kind of based off someone I formerly worked with…  The ‘I accept everyone until I’m alone with people, then I’m a phobe, racist, et cetera).  Although, that didn’t quite come off as much as I had hoped, so you have a point with the subtlety (which, I admit, I’m not great at writing...).  Cheyenne’s ex was just a written jab at someone else I know, BUT we won’t go into that.  But yes, definitely have to work on the subtlety aspect…
And thank you, again, for your review.  It was definitely a refreshing and much appreciated (and unexpected) sight to wake to.
TCR
 
On a side note and completely shameless plug of my beta’s writing, if you’re looking for a good polyamorous relationship told in writing (not to mention just good writing, too), you should checkout PlagueClover (formerly CloverReef)’s story Cold Snap.

So when I write Moosecock everybody remember it was GeorgeGlass who egged me on! And also, for those of you who like pregnancy and horsecock check out George’s story Pony Dearest.
So, I recently reviewed SinfulWolf’s Closing Time and heartily recommend it if you want some decent femslash – there’s only the one review so far, so get in there and give some more feedback!  As is sometimes the way of these things, SinfulWolf has reviewed a couple of mine too!
For Fucking Halloween Party
Thank you for this review! I didn’t remember the real bands, scrolled down and, wow, yeah that One Direction poster got dated fast, the rest are probably worse, eeesh.  I shoulda stuck with a fictional act like Dani Murphy. The offscreen villain spends much of her time on adult fanfiction sites like AFF sharing Mary Sue fics. She’s really evil. the AFF references were mostly because of it being for an AFF story jam, and with it having the same villain as another story I did, but stripped of that context I can see the issue there. I don’t always think about these things, thanks for the pointer!
 
Thank you for the feedback on this also! With such strong exortations from y’all I think I might need to go back and strip out some of the extra characters (and stick in a change of view line!) my aim of getting it firmly into the new setting seems to have gone a little bit overboard. Taking out the bit in the middle would be a pretty easy snip but I’ll have to be a little more careful at the start. Shouldn’t be impossible though – generally I hate going back and changing stories* when I’ve finished them even with a really good reason, but since this is already a re-write of an old story already it’s not such a thing. Plus, most of the change suggestions I used to get were “This story would be improved if you killed yourself.”
I hope your wife likes it also, thanks again for both of your kind reviews and the feedback on the characters and POV switch.
*Edit: Excepting changes for spelling/grammar/capitals/homophones and other accidentally misused words, the technical minutae in other words I usually try and change quickly  

That is an issue with me as well. The safe and easy method. Sometimes I need to force myself against my own grain to get doing what I want done. But yeah, give the expression one a try. I think the simplest one of that type I’ve used was:
Just a simple thing to get the scene flowing. I do use frowns far far far too often though.

Oh the action one is oh so fun. But I like my build up too much to rely on it overly much. I use the expression one too often methinks. Or, another one I use a bit two much. A couple sentences explaining what happened just before the scene started. I do this for finishing walks and such. Or, more recently to give a couple paragraphs description of a car ride through New York full of a bunch of pissed off protesters.

Absolutely. I tend to fall into patterns more easily when I've been in a slump for awhile. Maybe it's the wanting things to work and playing it safe that does it. 
Of the start techniques you mentioned, the action one is my favorite. If I could start every scene with action I would, but then it would lose it's impact and not be as awesome.

Sometimes I think about it in terms of a movie shot. What’s the first thing I want the reader to see, and why? Sometimes I’ll start with the environment and slowly pull in to the characters. I might do this because it’s an interesting set piece. Something odd, or helps ground the reader where they are. If I want things to get going really quick, I describe an action. Like a punch being thrown, or a moan as someone thrusts inside my hero… or perhaps she’s on top…

Then of course the close up of a character. Show an expression, kind bring up that “why they frowning?” question into the mix. Hopefully it works as a hook. Or just open with dialogue. 

I do try to change things up for myself, but like many, I can fall into patterns pretty easily.

I’ve seen it done before. Tolkien did it, and so did Brian Jacques in his Redwall series. I mean, it does let you get a bit more creative and potentially show a bit more of the world. In my personal opinion I always felt it slowed down the story too much. I got pulled out too much to try and figure out what the melody was, and to basically hear a story in the story I was reading. And being a good writer of narrative doesn’t make one a good song writer.

If it works, it works. While I’ve stated that my experiences with it haven’t worked, that’s because they’ve never been tied to the plot very tight. If it is, as you @GeorgeGlass are indicating, it may well work. But as with all things, mileage may vary. And something like including song lyrics can be rather polarizing.

Future is a fairly vague term after all. Besides, torture is bleak. Even if it’s just scratchy wool on your skin. 

Future is a fairly vague term after all. Besides, torture is bleak. Even if it’s just scratchy wool on your skin. 

Future is a fairly vague term after all. Besides, torture is bleak. Even if it’s just scratchy wool on your skin. 

Jeff has to live for a while, so that’s not anytime soon, however, I can certainly torture him and make him wear clothes

I personally like the soul sucking bit. I’ve been trying to work in succubus feeding habits in an interesting way in my current story. I think it’s interesting anyway.
May we all pray for Jeff. His future may very well be bleak.

Heh, I was going for the old fashioned pulling out the soul thing through sex. But that works too I suppose.

If it works, it works. While I’ve stated that my experiences with it haven’t worked, that’s because they’ve never been tied to the plot very tight. If it is, as you @GeorgeGlass are indicating, it may well work. But as with all things, mileage may vary. And something like including song lyrics can be rather polarizing.

I’ve seen it done before. Tolkien did it, and so did Brian Jacques in his Redwall series. I mean, it does let you get a bit more creative and potentially show a bit more of the world. In my personal opinion I always felt it slowed down the story too much. I got pulled out too much to try and figure out what the melody was, and to basically hear a story in the story I was reading. And being a good writer of narrative doesn’t make one a good song writer.

I’ve seen it done before. Tolkien did it, and so did Brian Jacques in his Redwall series. I mean, it does let you get a bit more creative and potentially show a bit more of the world. In my personal opinion I always felt it slowed down the story too much. I got pulled out too much to try and figure out what the melody was, and to basically hear a story in the story I was reading. And being a good writer of narrative doesn’t make one a good song writer.

If it works, it works. While I’ve stated that my experiences with it haven’t worked, that’s because they’ve never been tied to the plot very tight. If it is, as you @GeorgeGlass are indicating, it may well work. But as with all things, mileage may vary. And something like including song lyrics can be rather polarizing.

I know. I just couldn’t resist turning it into a pun. Hahaha~

Heh, I was going for the old fashioned pulling out the soul thing through sex. But that works too I suppose.

Well we all have our little weaknesses. I love elves (thanks Warhammer for that...), and kind of wish I knew it.