InBrightestDay's (Originals) Review Reply & Discussion Thread

[JayDee]

2 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Part Eight is now up, and we have two reviews already!

First up, @JayDeeThank you!  It’s kind of strange for me too, getting this close to the end.  Although, while I won’t spoil anything, should the ending go over well enough, there may be what I’m calling the Holiday Special.  Presented, one assumes, by Rankin/Bass; the sex is going to look really awkward in that limited stop motion of theirs.

Fingers crossed you go for the special then! And more specials afterwards!

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Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this in the Author’s Note, but for anyone reading this now, Private Flynn may or may not be (but probably is) related to the Flynns of Twinpregnation and Mike Rapes a Dyke.  Interestingly, digging back through the reviews on Twinpregnation, I discovered that The K-Team originally made an appearance, which would put all of those stories in that universe.  Granted, that was an earlier draft, so I don’t need to feel like I screwed up, or at least that’s the story I’m going with!

I was worried about re-writing my old thing to be an original story but not having enough original elements so besides bringing back Declan and the Flynn family I threw in a buncha other stuff as a subplot at the start/in the middle, but that just distracted folks from the sibling sex, so took it all out, and decided it still tied in well enough with the Mike story.

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...That was the important part.  I realized that detailing the battle was just distracting from what I feel is the core of the scene, which is the decision Luzurial makes here.  I wanted that line, specifically the “trust us” bit, to be emotional, because that’s not just Chloe asking Luzurial to trust her team and the battalion they’re with, it’s Chloe asking the archangel to trust humanity.  The following moment where Luzurial elects not to craft the virtue creatures is where she chooses to do exactly that.

It’s pretty awesome the way it turned out. Got some emotion there for sure.

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Well, in-universe, it’s literal: the task that was entrusted to her by God, the duty that defines her, is the protection of Earth and its people.

Out-of-universe, if you want to go down this rabbit hole...Luzurial exists because someone wanted to see a beautiful angel get raped and tortured by a demon.  She’s here because I felt absolutely terrible for her, but the reason I felt absolutely terrible for her is because of what you just said.  I felt awful for Luzurial because I do admire her character, her compassion, her courage, all of it, and because it felt so profoundly unjust for her to spend the next 120 trillion to 30 tredecillion years alone and in agony because of a well-meaning mistake.  That wasn’t what she deserved.

What she deserved was to be standing right where she is, between the mortals she cares for and the evil that threatens them.

Apologies to those who really liked the original ending of Whore of Heaven, by the way; this is just my opinion.

As I said before, you feeling that way means we got a great story in the sequel so it worked out in the end!

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I can’t remember if that was an intentional reversal of what happened to Bernice, but if it is, then it worked better than I had anticipated.  Bernice dies when she’s shot in the head by one of the hybrids because she’s trying to help Luzurial (given what happens to the other prisoners, though, not helping Luzurial wouldn’t have saved her).  Lilia kills a hybrid by shooting her through the head, in large part because Luzurial helps her.  It’s almost like, in some small way, the archangel gets to pay Bernice back for her efforts all those years ago.

Not that I did that on purpose, mind you, but sometimes you have to take a moment to appreciate when things just fall into place like that.

I thought it worked really, really well. Serving Eparlegna when Luzurial is around has incredibly become an even more high risk occupation.

Edited March 19, 2019 by JayDee

[InBrightestDay]

And @Sinfulwolf returns for Parts Seven and Eight.

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Good build up towards what I believe is going to be the end. You have a good set up for a final showdown. Loved that you showed the soldiers being professional, the atmosphere was good, and the creatures creative (seriously. That sloth thing, well done.)

First off, thank you for the review!  It was actually important for me to show how the National Guard is handling things this time around, in large part as a contrast to the first time.  I don’t think JayDee ever described what happened after the military went into the First Rupture, but I kind of imagined that when they suddenly found themselves facing real monsters under glowing, bruise-colored clouds, there might have been an understandable level of panic.  75 years later, they know that real monsters are a legitimate possibility, and have been trained, to some extent anyway, for this eventuality.

And thank you regarding the Crawler.  When I was writing Part Five, I considered having something Sloth-based in the App Theo building, but at the time I figured that since Sloth is basically laziness, it would likely be some kind of hilariously slow-moving blob thing and Luzurial wouldn’t even have to kill it; she and the humans could just break into a light jog and it would never catch them.  However, as the chapters went on, I had this idea for a creature that would essentially paralyze its prey, and went from there.  Aside from the obvious slug design, the slicing bone plates that serve as the Crawler’s jaws are kind of Dunkleosteus-inspired.

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When it comes to the sex, it was touching and sweet. That's important for what you have of the characters. But... I'm really confused to how Kevin lasted so damn long for his first time, over an arch-angel. I know you mentioned Luzurial not being experienced, but neither is Kevin.

I’m glad the emotion came through, especially since this is basically the sex scene I’ve been building toward since Part One.  As for why Kevin lasted so long, there are actually two possibilities.

The first, and admittedly the one I had in my head, was that it’s partly due to the “boost” Luzurial gave him, which affected endurance in addition to strength, and partly due to whatever weird effect sex has on angels in this setting.  I don’t fully understand it myself, but it seemed in Whore of Heaven that sex exhausted Luzurial in a way that combat never really would.  It may also have to do with the idea that she is far more sensitive to sexual stimulation than a human would be (another thing I pulled from WoH, where she feels intense pleasure the first time she’s touched sexually, when by rights she should be afraid rather than aroused given the situation).

Of course, there is another explanation, which JayDee proposed when I sent them the rough draft, namely that since we get “what happened last night” from Kevin’s PoV, we don’t know what Luzurial was actually thinking.  Kevin mentions that he’s glad they stopped when they did because it was actually starting to hurt for him, so it’s entirely possible that Luzurial, either through facial expressions and body language or through telepathy, realized that she was starting to hurt Kevin a little bit, and called an end to the night’s activities, claiming she was too tired in order to keep Kevin from feeling like he’d failed her somehow.  While I am the author, I’m not going to say that second explanation isn’t true, because frankly it makes a lot of sense.

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Other than that aspect it was well done. And also well done on not magically curing her with a dicking.

A big part of that is thanks to you and your feedback.  I knew I was going to end up dealing with the cliche as soon as I started writing the story, but your criticism did cause me to spend even more time trying to mitigate it than I likely would have otherwise.

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I'm also super happy you didn't have anyone give in and let Kevin, Abdul, and Caliste go into the rupture of their own free will. There's love and wanting to be with someone, then something that... just doesn't happen in real life. Not exactly a lot of stories about families following deploying soldiers, or Tactical Police Units and such to their engagements.

Yeah, when I was writing it, I struggled at first with how Kevin, Abdul and Calista would end up inside the Rupture.  I mean, they’re part of the main cast, so it didn’t feel right to just have them drop out of the story, but it kept coming back to “why would anyone let them go in there?”  Eventually, I realized that there just wasn’t any scenario under which a bunch of soldiers and an archangel, all of whom have as their job “don’t let civilians/mortals get hurt”, would just allow three civilians into the combat zone.  There was originally going to be a part of the dialogue exchange between Luzurial and Kevin where she just asked him point-blank if he had the training, experience or raw physical ability necessary to keep up with the soldiers, and he had to admit he didn’t.  I never ended up writing that, and I’ll admit I’m not sure why.  I guess I never consciously thought it out, but on some subconscious level felt that it wasn’t really necessary.

Speaking of conscious thoughts versus subconscious ones…

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Not sure why Kevin feels the need to, but I have a feeling it's cause 'soft woman must be protected by my maniliness' even if he doesn't admit it. It's a bit of a theme with him despite his words. Thoughts and actions right?

You know, one of the things I appreciate about getting feedback is it prompts me to think about character motivation in more detail than I do while writing, which can provide ideas I can use going forward.  So, on Kevin’s motivation...

I think there are three related but distinct mental concepts at play here.  The first isn’t really based on sex or gender, but rather is the simple idea that when you love someone, you don’t want to see anything bad happen to them.  Kevin knows terrible stuff has happened to Luzurial; she’s told him about it, so he hates contemplating it happening all over again, and he thinks that maybe if she had someone else with her, it might not happen.  He’s not even entirely wrong.  As Eparlegna pointed out to Luzurial during Whore of Heaven, if she hadn’t come to Earth alone, another angel could have released her from the holy circle or just killed him outright, since he only had one trap set, but because no one else was there to help, well…

What Kevin isn’t thinking about is that Luzurial isn’t alone this time.  She has Chloe and her team, along with literally an entire battalion of soldiers with her.  However, this comes down to the second idea at play.

Simply put, I think on some level Kevin still feels guilty over what happened to Luzurial in Room 502.  He knows she allowed herself to be violated for the second time in order to protect him, and he knows that wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t go into the room.  Luzurial brushed it off at the time (partly because she knows what it’s like to accidentally make a situation worse and partly because he cleaned up his own mess), but I think to an extent Kevin wants to redeem himself.

Finally, there’s the idea you touched on.  You said you figured Kevin thinks Luzurial is a soft woman he must protect as a man, and that he just doesn’t admit it.  I think it’s not that he doesn’t admit it; I honestly think he doesn’t realize it.  Consciously, Kevin is very much aware of how much stronger and more durable than him Luzurial is (given his repeated references to the car-catching thing, he obviously finds her superpowers attractive).  However, there is an aspect of how boys are raised, at least in my country, that I think affects how he acts.  Specifically, when you’re a man, there’s this idea that gets planted during childhood and reinforced throughout your life (again, this may just be an American thing), that if you don’t try to help a woman, then you’re being a jerk.  If you see a woman lifting something heavy and you don’t try to help lift it, you’re a jerk.  If a woman is in a dangerous situation (a combat situation, let’s say) and you don’t try to help her, you’re a jerk (the word “coward” may also be thrown around).

The problem is that, since this is subconscious, you’ll act on the idea even when a conscious examination of the situation would tell you that she doesn’t need your help.  Even if the woman lifting the heavy object is considerably stronger than you are, you’re still going to try and help her, not because you think she’s weak, but because you’re not thinking about it at all.  Even if the woman in the dangerous situation is a female soldier or police officer, you’re still going to feel compelled to help because again, you’re not thinking she’s incompetent, you’re just not thinking.  I think this applies, at least somewhat, to why Kevin wants to go into the Second Rupture with Luzurial.  He doesn’t think she’s weaker than he is, in fact he consciously knows it’s totally the opposite, but the subconscious drive is very strong.

I should note that there’s one situation where this doesn’t apply in the story, which is the moment when Kevin decides he’s definitely going into the App Theo building with Luzurial.  There, it’s not a subconscious drive, but a conscious decision brought on by the fact that he just watched her have a PTSD flashback outside.  Given that, he decides that maybe she could use some help. even if the help just consists of knowing that she has someone by her side.

This could actually be kind of useful for the finale, since Kevin will have some time during his Dude in Distress moment to think about things, and he might find himself ruminating on this very subject.

Finally,

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The one thing that bothered me, was Brenan. How he was able to just walk through and no one questioned him. Did Chloe really fuck up and not make her concerns public to the military she's been working with? Not even a hint of this possible danger now that the chips are down and the rupture is up? And he just drove out, without getting a single bullet in that SUV?

Chloe did send the list of names to her superior, but my original idea was that when the barrier went up, there was a bit of a communication error, and while there was inter-service cooperation between the PPD and the National Guard (what with Chloe and company being assigned to go in with the battalion and to liaise with Col. Castellano), in the confusion the list of names never made it from SAC Macmillan to the National Guard.

Is that stupid?  Well...very possibly.   Sorry about that.

As for the SUV being shot at, I seriously almost wrote that, but I wasn’t sure whether or not that would be more or less realistic than them not shooting at it.  I kinda flipped the coin there and, well, it didn’t turn out so well for me.  Sorry again.

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Otherwise, two solid chapters, and I'm looking forward to the final showdown.

Thank you.  It will be a while before we see Part Nine, since I’m still writing that one (all of the other chapters were already completed, and I just edited or re-wrote parts of them).  Hopefully it will be decent overall when I finally submit it!

Edited March 22, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[InBrightestDay]

And @Thundercloud reviews Part Eight!

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The interaction at the beginning of the chapter was nice. The idea of sex ending because of Luzurial getting worn out...seems much more likely that a bit of mind reading happened and she did not want to make him feel that he had let her down and faked her exhaustion.

So you and JayDee both had that thought independently.  Because of this, I have officially mentioned it inthe Author’s Note, and it may become canon as of the end of Part Nine.

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The exchange when arrived at the barrier was good written and I liked that humans had thought really hard about the situation, but that Luzurial could give them some good input. It is also very good that Kevin and the other hang arounds are not allowed inside. It is obvious they need to be there eventually, but bringing civilians into the war zone would be silly.

Thank you.  As you said, the idea was that humanity has been gaming out how we might respond in the event of another attack like this, but I really wanted Luzurial to be valuable for more than just combat, specifically as a source of information here.

As for keeping the students outside until they’re dragged in, it’s almost funny how long I spent trying different dialogue exchanges, trying to figure out how Kevin, Abdul and Calista were going to be let into the Rupture zone, before realizing that the reason none of the dialogue exchanges worked for me was because the whole idea didn’t work; the National Guard would have to be freaking insane, not to mention that the students barely survived the Applied Theology building, so Luzurial wouldn’t be keen on bringing them into something even worse.

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A slight suggestion...maybe you could in the next chapter reveal that Brendan as demonic ability got the ability to change his appearance. Would give a nice explanation why he avoided capture before this and could also open for Luzurial can make them escape a trap when she realize she cannot read the thoughts of person they meet.

I really like that idea!  We know the hybrids are stronger than normal humans, but there’s no reason to assume they wouldn’t have other abilities, perhaps granted by Eparlegna for specific purposes, and this would allow me to explain how he worked his way past a lot of the soldiers without resorting to a communication SNAFU.

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Finally I must say that the execution of the battle with the crawler was very good. That monster fight worked really well and it reminds the reader that some of id constructs are damn scary, it is not just cannon fodder for the soldiers.

Thank you again!  I really enjoyed writing that.  In the street scene, yeah, the incarnate sins are just monsters being fought by the military, but I do like to take the opportunity to remind readers that these things are literally condensed evil, and that should mean that a lot of them are downright terrifying.

Thanks for the review!

Edited March 25, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

4 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

And @Thundercloud reviews Part Eight!

So you and JayDee both had that thought independently.  Because of this, I have officially mentioned it inthe Author’s Note, and it may become canon as of the end of Part Nine.

I guess the exhaustion in Whore of Heaven could have been down to a much higher rate of forced orgasms, than the consenual ones with Kevin (I mean, rather than just being down to not-very-thought-out writing).

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I really like that idea!  We know the hybrids are stronger than normal humans, but there’s no reason to assume they wouldn’t have other abilities, perhaps granted by Eparlegna for specific purposes, and this would allow me to explain how he worked his way past a lot of the soldiers without resorting to a communication SNAFU.

“Servant, this makes you look like someone else who has authority to be there.”

“Thank you master.”

“Whatever you do, don’t go out there and introduce yourself under the name they’re looking for instead.”

Later

“I’m Brendan… ah crap.”

I kid I kid! I’m sure you’ll do fine. If you stuck with the comms SNAFU you could always make it deliberately down to someone sympathetic to Eparlegna’s aims in the National Guard being the one to get the message and not pass it on. gotta be some there same as in the PPD.

[InBrightestDay]

12 hours ago, JayDee said:

“Servant, this makes you look like someone else who has authority to be there.”

“Thank you master.”

“Whatever you do, don’t go out there and introduce yourself under the name they’re looking for instead.”

Later

“I’m Brendan… ah crap.”

I kid I kid! I’m sure you’ll do fine.

I was thinking more along the lines of re-writing the section so he doesn’t use his actual name until he already has his captives in the car.

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If you stuck with the comms SNAFU you could always make it deliberately down to someone sympathetic to Eparlegna’s aims in the National Guard being the one to get the message and not pass it on. gotta be some there same as in the PPD.

That could also work.

[JayDee]

I’m sure it’ll be good either way!

[Sinfulwolf]

On 3/21/2019 at 5:21 PM, InBrightestDay said:

First off, thank you for the review!  It was actually important for me to show how the National Guard is handling things this time around, in large part as a contrast to the first time.  I don’t think JayDee ever described what happened after the military went into the First Rupture, but I kind of imagined that when they suddenly found themselves facing real monsters under glowing, bruise-colored clouds, there might have been an understandable level of panic.  75 years later, they know that real monsters are a legitimate possibility, and have been trained, to some extent anyway, for this eventuality.

Well, it’s only polite when reading someone’s work to leave something at least. 

But yes, a little touching on the military certainly goes a way into world building. I don’t think JayDee really played with that aspect cause the world building took a second seat to the act of that the story was displaying really. 

But yes, the soldiers with some preparation should be much better trained and prepared.

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And thank you regarding the Crawler.  When I was writing Part Five, I considered having something Sloth-based in the App Theo building, but at the time I figured that since Sloth is basically laziness, it would likely be some kind of hilariously slow-moving blob thing and Luzurial wouldn’t even have to kill it; she and the humans could just break into a light jog and it would never catch them.  However, as the chapters went on, I had this idea for a creature that would essentially paralyze its prey, and went from there.  Aside from the obvious slug design, the slicing bone plates that serve as the Crawler’s jaws are kind of Dunkleosteus-inspired.

I’ve been tinkering with some ideas of sloth based demons and monsters for a bit, so I feel the difficulties there in trying to put it out there as being associated with that particular sin while also being a viable threat. But the slug design and bone plates really sold the image.

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A big part of that is thanks to you and your feedback.  I knew I was going to end up dealing with the cliche as soon as I started writing the story, but your criticism did cause me to spend even more time trying to mitigate it than I likely would have otherwise.

Glad I was able to help somewhat.

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Yeah, when I was writing it, I struggled at first with how Kevin, Abdul and Calista would end up inside the Rupture.  I mean, they’re part of the main cast, so it didn’t feel right to just have them drop out of the story, but it kept coming back to “why would anyone let them go in there?”  Eventually, I realized that there just wasn’t any scenario under which a bunch of soldiers and an archangel, all of whom have as their job “don’t let civilians/mortals get hurt”, would just allow three civilians into the combat zone.  There was originally going to be a part of the dialogue exchange between Luzurial and Kevin where she just asked him point-blank if he had the training, experience or raw physical ability necessary to keep up with the soldiers, and he had to admit he didn’t.  I never ended up writing that, and I’ll admit I’m not sure why.  I guess I never consciously thought it out, but on some subconscious level felt that it wasn’t really necessary.

I’m glad ye had that thought. Cause holy hell, nothing mucks up an operation like a bunch of people running around thinking they know what they’re doing yet not having a clue. While Luzurial confronting Kevin would have made me smile, it’s good you didn’t cause that could have been hurtful. No one likes having their pride poked at. Especially by the pretty girl you slept with and wanna protect.

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Speaking of conscious thoughts versus subconscious ones…

There’s a lot of reasons why Kevin acts the way he does, down the cultural ones, love, etc. etc. etc., and you have made good points and listed them. But… after all the times it’s brought up Luzurial is an arch angel, and how strong she is despite not being at full strength, it comes across really thick as a kind of male pride thing in Kevin’s behaviour. It’s part of his character for sure, but it’s also a little sad that nothing’s gunna change much in the next 75 years in regards to viewing women as the one’s that always need protecting on all those levels.

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Finally,

Chloe did send the list of names to her superior, but my original idea was that when the barrier went up, there was a bit of a communication error, and while there was inter-service cooperation between the PPD and the National Guard (what with Chloe and company being assigned to go in with the battalion and to liaise with Col. Castellano), in the confusion the list of names never made it from SAC Macmillan to the National Guard.

Is that stupid?  Well...very possibly.   Sorry about that.

There are reasons it could have happened sure, but it’s something that really popped out to me. Especially after promising an arch angel that these kids would be protected.

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As for the SUV being shot at, I seriously almost wrote that, but I wasn’t sure whether or not that would be more or less realistic than them not shooting at it.  I kinda flipped the coin there and, well, it didn’t turn out so well for me.  Sorry again.

Thank you.  It will be a while before we see Part Nine, since I’m still writing that one (all of the other chapters were already completed, and I just edited or re-wrote parts of them).  Hopefully it will be decent overall when I finally submit it!

Guess it all comes down to ROEs, which you’ve only slightly dabbled in. But considering the world ending threat, I kinda figure the thing should have gotten a few rounds up the grill and hood… I’ll try not to mention all the machine guns and such.

And I am looking forward to seeing the conclusion.

[Thundercloud]

16 hours ago, JayDee said:

I guess the exhaustion in Whore of Heaven could have been down to a much higher rate of forced orgasms, than the consenual ones with Kevin (I mean, rather than just being down to not-very-thought-out writing).

I think a possible way to explain it would be that even though an angel has incredible ability to recover from injury their very nature also makes them more susceptible to suffer from rapes. You could probably extend the concept to that angels gain courage and power from virtues and are easily hurt by sins.

16 hours ago, JayDee said:

“Servant, this makes you look like someone else who has authority to be there.”

“Thank you master.”

“Whatever you do, don’t go out there and introduce yourself under the name they’re looking for instead.”

Later

“I’m Brendan… ah crap.”

What kind level of competency are we to expect of minions of Eparlegna...

16 hours ago, JayDee said:

I kid I kid! I’m sure you’ll do fine. If you stuck with the comms SNAFU you could always make it deliberately down to someone sympathetic to Eparlegna’s aims in the National Guard being the one to get the message and not pass it on. gotta be some there same as in the PPD.

The problem with comms SNAFU would IMHO be that it would be really weird if agent Chloe did not follow up with the National Guard about the bad agents. I would assume that tracking what Hobbs might have ordered is kind of essential if you have second Rapturee coming. Actually speaking about that...who actually sent the list in the first place? Until the latest chapter I thought that Kevin sent the list to Chloe based on Luzurials mindreading, but now it was suddenly the reverse. It makes sense that Kevin still has the list on his phone and need to check it since he has not memorized the names, but the current double messages about who wrote the list is confusing.

[InBrightestDay]

2 hours ago, Sinfulwolf said:

It’s part of his character for sure, but it’s also a little sad that nothing’s gunna change much in the next 75 years in regards to viewing women as the one’s that always need protecting on all those levels. 

Part of this is also just my fault.  You know how I’ve mentioned in the Author’s Notes and here that my talents as an author are very limited?  Well, the reason masculinity hasn’t changed as much as it should have for this story is down in large part to my weakness at writing a future society with a different culture as opposed to just different technology.

By the time 2082 rolls around in the real world, I think we’re likely to be in a much better place on that front.

[Sinfulwolf]

Well… we’ll see.

[InBrightestDay]

21 minutes ago, Sinfulwolf said:

Well… we’ll see. 

I’ll admit, I may be overly optimistic.  I know it’s difficult to change behaviors ingrained since childhood, and that discussion of gender relations can be difficult to even have because the issue is so sensitive.  All I can say is that I can see the effort being made, so I think there is some cause for hope.

[InBrightestDay]

3 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Actually speaking about that...who actually sent the list in the first place? Until the latest chapter I thought that Kevin sent the list to Chloe based on Luzurials mindreading, but now it was suddenly the reverse. It makes sense that Kevin still has the list on his phone and need to check it since he has not memorized the names, but the current double messages about who wrote the list is confusing.

Luzurial knew that there were ten agents total, and that they reported to Hobbs, so that’s what Kevin sent to Chloe (the cultists didn’t all know each other’s names, so Luzurial couldn’t pull that info from mind reading).  Chloe and Cole then worked out who the remaining agents were and sent that list to Kevin.

[JayDee]

4 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

By the time 2082 rolls around in the real world, I think we’re likely to be in a much better place on that front.

I think by the time it rolls around extreme climate change coupled with the current drive towards putting even more of the world into poverty for the benefit for the few will see much of the remaining population barely surviving as intentionally poorly educated serfs for a tiny inbred elite in the remaining habitable areas.

I may be less optimistic.

7 hours ago, Sinfulwolf said:

Guess it all comes down to ROEs, which you’ve only slightly dabbled in. But considering the world ending threat, I kinda figure the thing should have gotten a few rounds up the grill and hood… I’ll try not to mention all the machine guns and such.

So there’s one bit earlier,

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When the black walls of the first Rupture had contracted, a few survivors were suddenly freed.  Driven to animalistic madness by what they had been through, they had charged the perimeter.  Unprepared police and soldiers had fired, panicked, and cut them all down.  “Rest assured that’s not going to happen again.  Every team on the defensive line has electrolasers in addition to rifles.  Any civilians will be immobilized nonlethally.”

Would it work if they’re taking a similar attitude to civillians breaking inside the Rupture (which happened the first time around as well in the confusion, and possibly also due to sheer numbers overwhelming part of the line that didn’t fire on civillians, due to folks desperate to try and reach/save loved ones) – most of the National Guard guys don’t know who Kevin and Co or Brendan are, so they would just see an SUV smashing through to get inside, Brendan’s gun likely not visible through the windows, and have only a non-lethal option allowed against non-demons/id constructs… we don’t know how effecitve it is against an SUV, and so could only report it up the line that some poor dumb bastards had gotten through?

[InBrightestDay]

1 hour ago, JayDee said:

I think by the time it rolls around extreme climate change coupled with the current drive towards putting even more of the world into poverty for the benefit for the few will see much of the remaining population barely surviving as intentionally poorly educated serfs for a tiny inbred elite in the remaining habitable areas.

Oh, JayDee, that’s ridiculous and you know it.

There’s no reason to assume the elites will be inbred.

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I may be less optimistic.

Well, color me surprised.

In all seriousness, my view of the future fluctuates from day to day, so some days I’m completely with you, and some days, when I don’t want to get so depressed that my family gets scared, I feel like I have to hope that things can get better instead of worse.

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Would it work if they’re taking a similar attitude to civillians breaking inside the Rupture (which happened the first time around as well in the confusion, and possibly also due to sheer numbers overwhelming part of the line that didn’t fire on civillians, due to folks desperate to try and reach/save loved ones) – most of the National Guard guys don’t know who Kevin and Co or Brendan are, so they would just see an SUV smashing through to get inside, Brendan’s gun likely not visible through the windows, and have only a non-lethal option allowed against non-demons/id constructs… we don’t know how effecitve it is against an SUV, and so could only report it up the line that some poor dumb bastards had gotten through?

This was kind of what I was thinking when I wrote it: that they’d definitely fire on anything coming out of the barrier, but may not fire on someone going in.  Having said that, Sinfulwolf has actual military experience, so if she tells me I did something stupid with regards to the military, well, I’m going to assume that I did.

Edited March 26, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[Sinfulwolf]

5 hours ago, JayDee said:

Would it work if they’re taking a similar attitude to civillians breaking inside the Rupture (which happened the first time around as well in the confusion, and possibly also due to sheer numbers overwhelming part of the line that didn’t fire on civillians, due to folks desperate to try and reach/save loved ones) – most of the National Guard guys don’t know who Kevin and Co or Brendan are, so they would just see an SUV smashing through to get inside, Brendan’s gun likely not visible through the windows, and have only a non-lethal option allowed against non-demons/id constructs… we don’t know how effecitve it is against an SUV, and so could only report it up the line that some poor dumb bastards had gotten through?

 

5 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

This was kind of what I was thinking when I wrote it: that they’d definitely fire on anything coming out of the barrier, but may not fire on someone going in.  Having said that, Sinfulwolf has actual military experience, so if she tells me I did something stupid with regards to the military, well, I’m going to assume that I did.

It’s possible they may not fire, but it’s more likely they would at least have used the non-lethal weapons under the pre-tense of actually protecting those trying to break in. I’m not sure what an electro gun would do to a vehicle, but it’s possible it’d be able to shut the vehicle down. Or a few well placed bullets to the tires. 

In the end it’s a small thing that I picked up on that sometimes has to get swept under the rug for the purposes of the story going ahead.

[JayDee]

Fair enough!

[InBrightestDay]

TimeWise is an author over on Literotica, and has a story called Conversion (a mixture of medieval fantasy and horror).  I asked if I could namedrop a character from that story, and he expressed interest in my story.  I warned him about some of the content, which was apparently fine, so here we are.

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From ANON - TimeWise on March 31, 2019
 

An excellent beginning to the story! The writing style is engaging and really drew me in: there is enough detail to catch the imagination without dragging, and the dialogue flows well. I also like the humor worked into scenes, as it helps balance out the dark material. Kevin is relatable and sympathetic, and of course I feel for poor Luzurial and want whoever did this to her obliterated with extreme prejudice.

Thank you!  The humor was kind of my way of acknowledging how ridiculous the circumstances can be, and it keeps popping up.  As for payback for what happened to Luzurial, that’s going to take a while, but come Part Nine, whenever I manage that...

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Although as a side-note, I would mention that properly speaking, her name should be Luzuriel. The -el suffix meant 'shining one' or angel in other words. So the archangel Michael's name was Micha, and he is an angel, so Micha-el. Thus, it would be Luzuri-el (without the hyphen, I'm just spelling it out). I know that you are borrowing the character from another story, so not even really your choice, but I just wanted to mention it.

I asked about that actually, way back in the day.  According to @JayDee, the author of the original story, Luzurial’s name is based on the Spanish word luz, meaning “light,” and a deliberate misspelling of the Archangel Uriel’s name.  As far as I can tell from online research (read: half an hour on Wikipedia and various name etymology sites), the suffix “-el” is a short form of “Elohim,” which is one of the Hebrew names for God, so Michael translates to “who is like God” and Gabriel to “God is my strength” or “hero of God” (I’m not sure what the order is supposed to be).  Uriel, on the other hand, translates to either “light of God” or “God is my light” (again, not sure what the order is), and as a result Luzuriel would look right, but would actually be somewhat redundant.

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I also liked how grounded the story is, despite the supernatural occurances. This really helps keep things feeling real. Every time I'd wonder about something practical, like "but should she be bathing if she has stitches?" the characters and the story would answer the question. Great stuff and I'm looking forward to more.

Thank you!  You know, that moment in particular is an example of me catching a problem and trying to make a bug into a feature.  I started writing the scene and, given the substance matting her hair, figured she would want that off of her body now, so I figured it would be nice for her to have a bath.  Then I realized you generally don’t let people with stitches do that, and figured it might be a good way to show off one of her powers, specifically her regeneration.

Thanks again for the review!

Edited April 2, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

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I feel for poor Luzurial and want whoever did this to her obliterated with extreme prejudice.

Hopefully they mean whoever did this ‘in story’ :p

As for the spelling, I grant that my ancient Hebrew scholarship was weaker than it should have been, but honestly some of the angels in this setting have even less proper names. Luzurial was the name the character gave me in my head, who’m I to argue? Kizzy’s just as bad… And as for Chastia, I mean, that’s originally from latin.  I ain’t the brightest!

[InBrightestDay]

18 minutes ago, JayDee said:

And as for Chastia, I mean, that’s originally from latin.  I ain’t the brightest!

Well, that name was chosen for the best reasons: ironic reasons!  Besides, not all angel names end in -el, Lailah and Sandalphon being examples.

[InBrightestDay]

TimeWise has now set a record for the fastest anyone has ever read The Woman in the Statue, because he’s at least on Part Six, and may have gotten caught up completely.

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From ANON - TimeWise on March 31, 2019
 

This has continued to be very well-written story. Again, I really commend you on your dialogue: not everyone can capture the feeling of actual conversations, and I think you do very well at that. It helps to keep things immersive and impactful.

Very good work on the id constructs, too. Each one was interesting, genuinely threatening, and well described. Also interesting because of their method of creation: it really makes me wonder what my own id construct would look like. Do we really know what our own worst sins are? And what they might look like brought horribly to life?

That was one of the cool aspects of JayDee’s original story.  We only see one incarnate sin (a Lust-based tentacle monster), but I like the idea that every human generates one, and that no two monsters are exactly the same.  As for the designs, some of my inspiration came from stuff like the video game The Evil Within, as well as from nature.  The Charnel Spider, for instance (which appears to be a fan favorite), is at least partly based on a species of assassin bug that wears the carcasses of its prey as a form of disguise.  I took that idea and melded it with the Envy “coveting body parts” idea.

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Lazurial is a great character, and I've enjoyed getting to know her. I think you've done a pretty great job depicting a person whose immense wisdom and knowledge are tempered by a kind of innocence, and whose emotional fragility is tempered by her resolve and force of will.

That was part of why I felt so bad for her reading Whore of Heaven, aside from simply the emotional stuff that comes with her being an archangel.  She’s flawed and yet deeply noble.  She’s intelligent and has the experience of a life billions of years long (my favorite scene to write with her was the “happiest memory” scene from back in Part Three) and yet her naivete regarding sexuality drew intense sympathy from me.  Her emotional fragility is actually something new, the result of the torture and rape she was subjected to in WoH, but even after all she’s been through, her focus on protecting her mortal charges has never wavered.

Amusingly, at the beginning of Whore of Heaven Luzurial the Pure was actually a lot like your angel Selsehtiriel the Plucky (for those who haven’t read Conversion, she doesn’t have that title in-story, but I thought it fit ).

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The interplay between her and Kevin is sweet and fairly believable, and it is nice to see her getting some level of comfort and help in dealing with the horrible things she's been through. Although if I were her therapist, I'd prescribe cracking Eparlegna like a wulnut for real therapeutic relief. I know, easier said than done, but it gives me something to look forward to. It was a great moment when he got shot in the balls.

I’m very glad you like her interactions with Kevin.  The angel/human romance is one of the central aspects of the story, so I really tried to make the emotions work.

On Eparlegna getting shot in the groin, I’m not entirely sure where that idea came from, but there is something innately satisfying about a serial rapist getting hit in the nuts, and I like the idea that in large part it’s down to his own arrogance.  He knows the bullet will sting, but he figures that since it can’t kill him he can just ignore it, not thinking that perhaps being stung in certain places will be worse than being stung in others…

As for cracking Eparlegna like a walnut, we’ll get there eventually.

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Looking forward to the next chapter!

I’m not sure how long that’s going to take, but I’ll make sure to let folks know when I’m getting close!

Edited March 31, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[Guest TimeWise]

Yes, to clarify JayDee, I want the demon obliterated, not you Nice work making such a compelling villain!

Also not trying to nitpick too much with the name stuff, Luzurial is a great name. It’s just something I looked into extensively at one point, so it sprang out at me. I’d still say that Luzuriel would work better, since it actually would work as well as Luzurial: if Uriel is ‘light of God’, the -el being ‘of God’, and Luz also means light, then Luzurial would break down to Luz (light) uri (light) al (unknown suffix), whereas Luzuriel would be Luz (light) uri (light) el (of God). There are some angels without the -el suffix, but I do think all the archangels are -els (and in general, of course, all angels are ang -els). Actually, if my memory serves me, the -el suffix was borrowed from the ancient Chaldean religions, who had a creator God named El. Thus, his children all had the -el suffix after their names because that was their family name, basically. So another way of translating -el would be ‘child or son/daughter of God.’ The ‘shining ones’ translation is more of a reflection of the fact that the Chaldean creator was a sun god, so all his children shone with the glory of their father, the sun. I also have to say, I don’t think the ‘light light’ aspect of Luzurial’s name is a bad thing, either: I actually think that is kinda cool and reflects her character of “the Pure.’ She’s not just light, but light to the next intensity, light of surpassing purity, light squared.

Anyhow, I’ll stop geeking out with angel etymology now, sorry! She’s a cool character and it’s a great story.

[InBrightestDay]

4 hours ago, Guest TimeWise said:

Also not trying to nitpick too much with the name stuff, Luzurial is a great name. It’s just something I looked into extensively at one point, so it sprang out at me. I’d still say that Luzuriel would work better, since it actually would work as well as Luzurial: if Uriel is ‘light of God’, the -el being ‘of God’, and Luz also means light, then Luzurial would break down to Luz (light) uri (light) al (unknown suffix), whereas Luzuriel would be Luz (light) uri (light) el (of God).

You know, I’ve been thinking about this story on and off for a decade, and somehow I literally never noticed that.

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Actually, if my memory serves me, the -el suffix was borrowed from the ancient Chaldean religions, who had a creator God named El.

That’s possible.  “Elohim” is definitely an imported word, but El or some variant thereof is ridiculously common in ancient Semitic languages (Ugaritic, Phoenician, Hebrew, Aramaic, Akkadian), and is even used as a proper name for a deity in multiple ancient religions, so it’s hard for me to pin down where it was imported from.

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I also have to say, I don’t think the ‘light light’ aspect of Luzurial’s name is a bad thing, either: I actually think that is kinda cool and reflects her character of “the Pure.’ She’s not just light, but light to the next intensity, light of surpassing purity, light squared.

Well, that made me feel better for not catching it, at least.

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Anyhow, I’ll stop geeking out with angel etymology now, sorry!

Not a problem at all!  I’m a Bio major, so I’m still on a learning curve when it comes to all of this stuff, and discussions like this are a good way to learn.

Besides, you have not seen geeking out yet.  When I was discussing Part Six with JayDee, I mentioned that, just out of idle curiosity, I had calculated how much energy Luzurial would need to produce to melt that aluminum tentacle in the Room 502 sequence, complete with estimating the diameter and subsequent volume of the tentacle, its mass based on the density of aluminum, and then using the specific heat and enthalpy of fusion of aluminum to figure out what it would take to bring it from room temperature to melting point and then force the phase change.  it’s about 18 megajoules, in case you’re curious.

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She’s a cool character and it’s a great story.

Thank you again!

Edited April 1, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

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Yes, to clarify JayDee, I want the demon obliterated, not you Nice work making such a compelling villain!

Thanks! And phew.

No problem with nitpicking, honestly, it’s always nice to learn things. I did just have a look and saw –

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/-al

Giving

Luz (light) uri (light) al (having the form or character of)

So I could stretch and say -al still works for the light squared idea but relies on a bit of Latin instead. No doubt a quirk of that setting. Phew again.

 

 

[Sinfulwolf]

I thought Michael was an Archangel and his doesn’t end with ‘-el’

I think at this point we could concede these are names given to beings that we struggle to understand, and the ones they may hold for themselves don’t match up.

[InBrightestDay]

It’s been far too long, but ladies and gentlemen, The Woman in the Statue is officially back!  Expect the tenth and final part in a couple more weeks, but for now, let’s get to the first review of Part Nine, from first time commenter but apparently long time reader Symbalistic.

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From ANON - Symbalistic on February 07, 2020

I was so excited to see this at the top of the list today! It had been so long, I thought perhaps you'd given up on this story, but I'm glad you haven't! This has been an excellent read. I've enjoyed the dialog, your excellent desciptions really paint an image in my mind so I can imerse myself in the world and the scenes, and the bad guys come off as convincingly evil. Can't wait for the conclussion!

Thank you so very much for the review!   It’s wonderful to know that you’ve been enjoying the story.  That means a lot to me as a writer, especially when it comes to a personal project like this one.  Hopefully the finale will be fun for you to read as well.

Edited February 8, 2020 by InBrightestDay