TCR's Review Response Thread

[Tcr]

Welcome to the review response thread for my fiction.

Receiving a review, even just a small, short one, can be enough to lift spirits in a dark time and give that hard working, underpaid muse a boost of energy and I thank those who have left and those who will leave any.

Stories Included:

Last Full Measure: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600109223

Death's Chase: (Removed)

Blood Prize: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108745

Hunted: (Removed)

Into the Shadows: (Removed)

Rebirth: (Removed)

Hell of an Anniversary: (Removed)

Come Hell or High Water: (Removed)

“No Surrender!  No Retreat!”: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108497

Hell Fall: (Removed)

Blood and Honour: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108390

(As more come along, I’ll probably add to the list...)

So, here goes…
 

Edited August 31, 2020 by Tcr

[Tcr]

Hell Fall:

Thanks, BW, for the review.

Ah, this is striking far too many chords with me right now. It's a terrifically written story, and one I hope won't prove prescient, but as someone who loves history, I do believe we're doomed to repeat the worst of it, over and over again. We're a thick-headed race, we humans, and haven't grasped we're all the same, despite superficial differences.

I, too, love history and I do hope that shines through, if not here, definitely Blood and Honour.  While this is kind of a story that is part of a larger universe, I agree that history is doomed to repeat, only to be worse as time goes along.  I'm hoping that follows with how this continues.

Your obvious military research and/or expertise lends a terrific air of veracity to your story, and the urgency in the pacing of the story is gripping.

Many of mine are filled with military themes, which lends to research and development of this.  I'm glad that it's not wasted.  (And, while no one can see right now, I am smiling away.)  CR has often made the same sentiments regarding that.  There’s still a vast amount I do not know and probably a fair amount that I’ve made mistakes on, but I do hope they pale in comparison to what I try to portray as a realistic scene and character when it comes down to the final product.

On the whole, Dawn and Roberta are well done, although I find them both a bit intolerant, perhaps because of their own struggles against prejudice.  Nonetheless, they're a bit strident, something I'd have expected if they were younger and cocky. As older, more mature officers, they should be better able to deal with the merde. But that's a tiny quibble, and might be more my own personal taste and habit, so take it with a grain of salt.

You are right, they are a little intolerant and strident.  It was intended to be such as a foil to the racism and derogatory comments that come up and will come up.  Not to mention things from Dawn’s past, as well.  Admittedly, I may have overdosed on that side of them.

I'm rooting for Dawn and Roberta, but I sense a great deal more grief coming down the pipe, and I can't imagine they'll be able to avoid being in the thick of it. Very well done!

Glad to hear they have some cheering from the audience :).

 

[Tcr]

Blood and Honour:

Again, thanks for the review, BW.  It definitely helped lift spirits during the neverending pit I found myself in when I posted on the forum.

This is off to a most intriguing start. Chapter one introduces us to the main characters, and I have to admit, Matilde is an extremely strong character, so much so she almost overshadows the others. Given that she has the greatest misgivings about the plan to hide in plain sight, I am rather glad, since I do believe she will be proved right.

I'm glad to hear it's intriguing.   I wasn't entirely sure how to start it originally.   There were simply too many points to start.  After a couple figurative and, sometimes, literal, slaps across the face, I admitted that Chapter I had become interesting.  Wasn't sure if others would think so, but had to start somewhere.

I did want Matilde to be the strong willed, and, indeed, strongest and most outspoken character, of the group.  Whereas the rest were driven by a fear, she was supposed to be the voice of some reason.

Chapter two is lovely, and quite nicely done. There's a tenderness, almost a tristesse to the couples during their lovemaking, and it lends a bittersweet charm to the chapter. For those of us who enjoy history, including the more warty bits not often showcased, knowing what could await them doubles the sense of foreboding.

I'm going to admit, I wasn't sure how it would turn out.  The M/M is the first attempt at writing it and I owe a lot to my betas for the chapter.   They put in a lot of time, effort, sweat, possibly blood, and more frustration than I'm sure they wanted to.  The F/F, while not the first, and taking less from the betas, is still not a strongpoint.

That being said, I did want it to be bittersweet and the looming threat hanging over them, the fact this may be the last time they might see each other…

And chapter three brings us to a glimpse of their fates. The lads will of course see combat as part of the infantry and the Panzer Corps, but it was the women's assignments which were of import, I think. Hanna will find Dachau a great trial, with her gentle nature. Nothing there will allow her to flourish. And Matilde, well. I find myself hoping she is indeed as good a shot as she claims, and perhaps she will one day use that to her advantage. But the deception of pretending to be male will be difficult. I can't help but see trouble in store for her.

I saw Hanna and Matilde’s postings as the important aspect of the assignments, as well.  Hanna’s assignment was intended as a foil, her gentle nature opposite to Dachau’s dark nature; her kindness a complete 180 from Dachau’s oppressive stance.  Before I had written Matilde’s assignment, I had read online regarding a woman who, in World War I, had joined up, as a man, in one of the armies (forgive me, I can’t remember which right now), and served through the war.  I found it remarkable and wanted to include something similar.

I am definitely going to continue following this story. You have a clear and elegant style of writing, and I'm enjoying this immensely.

I hope I don't disappoint.

 

And now for the last, but not least…

From Pippychick...

Thank you Pippy, for your review.  (And no, I didn’t mind the impromptu beta read.)

This has a very intriguing premise indeed. We can only imagine how many of these sombre get togethers there were in the weeks and months following Hitler's election. I suspect there were a lot, not just between lovers, but among ordinary families and friends too. I've certainly read real life accounts of grown men literally crying over the kitchen table.

You convey that atmosphere of hopeless despair well, yet the fear is present too, which of course is what leads to their agreement to join up. Of course in those circumstances it's not a silly fear at all. Soon, the light of suspicion would fall on two couples sharing living space, and suspicion in those days would be all it took to be consigned to a nasty fate.

We’ve probably been reading similar accounts.  I wanted to present that fear and hopeless despair as well as I could from those accounts.  Suspicion was a very real chance to get back at someone.  I read about people who would purposely spread lies and half-truths in order to get vengeance or political means.  Even members of the General Staff were not above suspicion and persecution.  But I’m rambling...

Will they survive? Perhaps more pertinently, will their love survive? There's a lovely echo of Nineteen Eighty-Four about this situation. How much will it take to make the lovers renounce each other? How much will they see and do that deadens their hearts? If you or I were in that position, what would it take to turn us into informants to save our own lives? Self-preservation often conquers all, not love, sadly.

I do believe you’re going to like the chapters as they keep coming.

And now some concrit... I did notice you repeated yourself in the following two paragraphs…

I'd also watch how many times you begin paragraphs with a character's name.

Lastly, be careful of short sentences (I am terrible for using these myself) as they can kill the rhythm. If I notice I'm struggling, I'll often read my own work aloud to myself, making sure to include all commas and full stop pauses.

Like I said, I don’t mind pointing out little things like what you have.  Sometimes I miss things, sometimes it’s me forgetting (...YAY, forgetfulness!) to delete something after I work through it in an edit.  Then I catch myself and put myself in a corner for bad behaviour…  lol.  Seriously, though, I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to note that there’s something wrong in there so I can go back and fix it.  So, thank you for that.

I’ve noticed (and I’m sure Cloverreef would like to beat me with a bat...or worse when she sees that) I have a considerable pain in the ass tendency to start with names. Been trying to break that, but apparently it’s not working too well…

I’m sure CR would be the first to point at ‘read my own work aloud’ and be like ‘SEE?  SEE?’  I admit, I hadn’t been doing that before, but I’ve tried in the last couple months, so hopefully there’ll be some change to be seen.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Tcr

[pippychick]

Honestly, TCR, when I have my beta reader head on I am a total pain in the arse… just ask CL

And I know I am woefully behind in my reading (of CloverReef’s stories too)… I hope to catch up at some point. Maybe this week with any luck.

 

[Tcr]

Quote

Honestly, TCR, when I have my beta reader head on I am a total pain in the arse… just ask CL

Isn’t that what a beta’s supposed to do?  Tell it as it is and find the stuff that’s wrong, whether or not it’s a pain in the ass?  ;).

Honestly, like I say, I don’t mind hearing an ‘impromptu beta’.  Seeing what someone else might think works can improve my own writing.  CR and I have different styles, different ideas of what needs to be said and what doesn’t, how to do things, et cetera.  Having someone else point out something that could be made better, to me, isn’t a bad thing and I have to say that I appreciate hearing a different take on what to do and how to do it.  Every bit helps in the long run.  Besides, while not a regular occurrence, I have caught myself (and apparently missed), finding sections I’ve edited/changed and forgot to delete.  (I’m blaming that weird looking angel on my shoulder, I’m not sure why the horns are holding up the halo, but she always says not to ask, so...)  Now that I’ve rambled on, though...

[Tcr]

Blood and Honour Chapters IV/V:

 

Thanks for the review, BW, definitely lifted some spirits today.  (And the Muse thanks you, too.  Gave her a little time off the hamster wheel getting things cranking.  <Speaking to Muse>  Okay, break time’s over, get back to work!)

 

From ANON - BronxWench on January 27, 2017

 

I read Chapters 4 and 5 together, and I honestly think it heightened the impact. The farewells were touching, and it was hard to see the couples parted, especially since they had to bid farewell via proxy. But that is only the first step for them, for now they need to pass under closer scrutiny than usual.

 

Originally, much of Chapter IV was part of III, but I decided to break it and expand a little on it in the attempt to draw out a lot more emotional impact.  I’m glad that it worked, definitely made my day to read that.  I honestly felt that it needed to be shown and, while I’m sure some would disagree, I felt that it was better out at Berlin Anhalter Bahnhof, amidst the potential scrutiny and painfully observant prying eyes rather than within the safety of their apartment.  Not only that, but I thought it showed a little more on how they reacted with each other out in public as opposed to their interactions in private.

 

Mathilde seems to be able to make an easier transitiion, if only because her superior is complicit in her deception about her gender. He seems enough of a pragmatist himself, and woould rather have a gifted sniper in the ranks rather than behind a typwriter.

 

I can’t deny that writing Kleinmetz has been interesting.  He’s intended to be a composite of a few people within the ranks who were pragmatic and intelligent.  I hope this comes across in the story and his character.  While trying to tame myself from making the judgments from a detached, 80 years later viewpoint, he is the voice of reason (hence lines such as ‘We are a nation surrounded on all sides by our former enemies’), which, while not a blatant statement against the propaganda, is meant to be implied against the obvious slander that the National Socialists pushed.  And, yes, he definitely prefers that one extra person against the massive hordes that would be banging on the gates of Germany sooner rather than later, especially combat oriented.

 

Admittedly, Matilde’s transformation...  I wanted to try to find a balance between difficulty and the story-telling without losing too much of either.  It was this that largely affected the creation of the character of Kleinmetz, who became more willing to overlook her than the first writing attempt with regards to Matthias Schmidt.  The original draft, I thought, dragged on a little too long with regards to it and took away from the chapter.  So...  some things were cut to make way for the pacing and the over all tale.  Some people have probably complained about it, but oh well...

 

But Hanna will be hard pressed to maintain her role, I think. Her instincts as a nurse, to nuture and care for people, will not serve her well in the hell in which she's currently living. She will need to learn to present a harder front. I have my suspicions about what she will see in the circle, only because I am well aware of the capacity mankind has for brutality. I would imagine beating a homosexual to death would be deemed a form of rehabilitation, hm?

 

I admit, it’s kind of funny that you put up this review today.  A lot of my recent post on the forums regarding the antagonists came, indirectly, from my attempt at writing Waeckerle, who was a real life figure.  The last thing I wanted to create a caricature and have him spout off traditional Nazi anti-Semite propaganda and hate.  So I did some research, finding very little, discussed things with CR about this, and proceeded to go back over this a thousand times and add in little details.  I do hope that this makes him less a two dimensional figure and more someone who could have been your neighbour.

 

She definitely will have to.  I do expect you’ll enjoy the later chapters as they’re added and I can imagine what you believe she’ll have found in the circle.  Indeed, I expect anyone versed even slightly in Interwar Germany has many suspicions as to what lies beyond the guards because, to paraphrase you, mankind has a high capacity for brutality.  Especially if they’re told that it’s okay, that it’s right to do so.

 

As for beating any of the so-called untermenschen to death being deemed a form of rehabilitation via the government and propaganda, there are no doubts to that.  Human rights within Germany at this time took a massive leap backwards and off a long, steep cliff.  Research to make this scene was...hard.  The real Waeckerle was investigated for numerous deaths (marked as ‘killed while trying to escape’ or executed for ‘violent insubordination’/’incitement to disobedience’), some merely as an example for no other reason, while other Commandants were responsible for ‘accidentally’ letting it slip that Prisoner A was homosexual to the other prisoners, whereupon those prisoners would descend on that prisoner.  This scene, which may not be entirely accurate, is an amalgamation of a lot of that research.  A dark time indeed, now that I’ve rambled on...

 

A dark world indeed, but your eloquent writing makes it well worth the journey into the abyss. Excellent chapters, and I will look forward to more!

 

I’m glad you’re enjoying it and hope to continue to keep your fancy as it proceeds along.  Thanks again for the review.

[BronxWench]

There is a wickedly dark book out, by an author who goes only by 19, called Schadenfreude. It is brutal, bleak, and without anything even closely resembling a happy ending, but it is perhaps one of the most chilling glimpses into the mentality of the doctors in the camps during the Third Reich. I will, eventually, read it a second time, but I need just a little more time before I’m quite ready for that one again.

You’ve got the same brilliant ambiguity already showing in your characterization of Waeckerle as 19 did with his antagonist, Dr. Ahren Kaltherzig. As dreadful as Kaltherzig is, one cannot purely hate him, nor does he ever become a cliche. I feel it in my bones; your Waeckerle will be just as difficult to pin down, and that’s extraordinary.

[Tcr]

I do have to admit, that sounds like an interesting read and definitely have to get it now.

 

I'm glad that the characterization of Waeckerle has translated into words.  I'll try not to disappoint.  :).

[pippychick]

I still haven’t caught up with your story, TCR. Hoping to later today after work, but I second Bronx’s recommendation of Schadenfreude by 19. But it is a story you’ll never forget for as long as you live. If/when you read it, make time for it. Make time for the consequence of it, because it will affect you deeply.

Hell, it’s dark. I liked it so much I bought the print version.

[Tcr]

Definitely will read it.  Before I even saw your post, Pippy, I looked it up while on break at work.  (I’m a bit of an old fashioned, kind of crazy person that buys the paper…  Nothing beats the smell of a new book…)… 

[Tcr]

Chapter IV/V:

Glad to have you back, Pippy :).  And, as always, thanks for the review.  I kind of had a lack of inspiration today, so going to re-read the previous, I was thrilled to see a new one, although the Muse is cursing you over the whip cracks.

Ok, so the lovers have all be split up and gone their seperate ways, but I don't think that's the end of it by any means. One of them is going to crack, but who? And what will they say about the others?

I'd never spoil an ending, but………

You'll have to keep reading to find out, lol.  I will say that I hope things don't disappoint.

So the first one we see is Hanna, and I am dreading what she will see... I am actually hoping we will be whisked away to follow one of the other characters in the next chapter. I've read enough to know what went on in those places, especially things that were regarded as "entertainment"... It's a form of mass hysteria

Very dark and gripping.

While writing this, I've been plagued with the moral quandaries of how far can I go, how much can I show?  Not because I think people can't handle it (I have the contro tag, so that should, hopefully, prepare people…), but more out of respect for survivors of this terrible time.  But I won't ruin what comes up.

Btw, I like the oblique references to the Treaty of Versailles and the harsh terms within it. Any student of the history of Hitler's rise to power and the causes of the second world war can't ignore what that did to Germany.

Thanks.  I struggled with the references, to be honest.  I definitely wanted them, since, as you said, they are a direct reason for Hitler's rise and Germany's consequent role in the Second World War.  Yet, first draft was too blatant and sounded a lot like a cartoon cut out.  Second draft had less, but didn't hold enough conviction to me.  This is the final one and I was a little worried I had made it unrealistic in its presentation.  I'm glad to see that you didn't think so.

Sociology and economic theory occupy opposite ends of the same spectrum. Where they meet, deep hypocrisies are revealed, and the extremes begin to be expressed in the psychology and politics of the masses and of nations. I really believe we are in that same position today, or we are pretty damn close to it.

Of that, I can only agree.  Let’s just hope history doesn’t come full circle.

[pippychick]

12 minutes ago, Tcr said:

While writing this, I've been plagued with the moral quandaries of how far can I go, how much can I show?

Well, I think those who are reading this story know there is going to be darkness in it, and as you say you have tagged for it.

I think you are quite right it has to be done in a sensitive way, and yet the events themselves were anything but “sensitive” so I don’t envy you that quandary at all.

And here I’ll just offer my unsolicited advice (again)… sorry.

I have written a few torture scenes, and what I’ve learnt from them is that less is more. Go for detail and you will lose the connection to the reader and the emotional resonance. If it’s too harsh, it will shock readers out of the story. Every one of your readers will have a different limit. The best way to approach these kind of scenes, imho, is to be as sketchy as possible, allowing the reader to fill in the gaps with their own imagination. Instead concentrate on the emotional impact of the events. Good luck!

[Tcr]

On 30/01/2017 at 8:53 AM, pippychick said:

And here I’ll just offer my unsolicited advice (again)… sorry.

I have written a few torture scenes, and what I’ve learnt from them is that less is more. Go for detail and you will lose the connection to the reader and the emotional resonance. If it’s too harsh, it will shock readers out of the story. Every one of your readers will have a different limit. The best way to approach these kind of scenes, imho, is to be as sketchy as possible, allowing the reader to fill in the gaps with their own imagination. Instead concentrate on the emotional impact of the events. Good luck!

I don’t mind advice.

I won’t argue that advice, too.  Less is more in a lot of scenarios, torture being one of those, and I did not plan on doing a lot of in depth descriptions for it.  (I’m sure CR would agree with you there, too, as she’s been pretty good on pointing out where the ‘more’ is pointed in other aspects of the story and constantly reminds me of such a thing...).  Thanks, Pippy. 

Edited February 8, 2017 by Tcr

[Tcr]

Reviews for Come Hell or High Water
Chapter One:

 

From Tahn:

 

I'm on the edge of my seat here. What happens next??

 

From KoKoa_B:

 

Yes, yes; what happens next?!
I usually don't enjoy true sci-fi like this but this chapter was really good. Lots of detail and I liked the explanations of the terms (which made me get comfortable with this story). This is good and I can't wait to read more.

 

Glad to hear you both enjoyed the first chapter.  I wasn’t sure if I had the right hook involved at the beginning with the slightly less action-y bits.

 

I personally like a lot of detail in what I’m reading and, in turn, what I’m writing.  It allows me to visualize it (like a movie in my mind), but sometimes I go overboard with it, too.  Finding that balance was a little harder here, but that was part of the self challenge. 

 

I find that the Sci-Fi genre lends itself to explanation and exposition without much trouble.  And, since everyone reads and writes Sci-Fi different, sometimes it helps keep the reader involved and (as you said, KoKoa) comfortable with the tale.  Sometimes, I over indulge in explanation (...CR’s definitely slapped me upside the head a few times to cut stuff...  lol).

 

But, enough of my rambling.  I’m glad you enjoyed Chapter I and hopefully I don’t disappoint with following chapters.

[Tcr]

Come Hell or High Water:

Chapter One:

From CloverReef:

Bloody fiddles of Nero, that was exciting! 

LOL sorry, I just had to say that.

I see you loved that line.  I’m glad to hear that, wasn’t so sure of it and had a bit a time trying to come up with something that wasn’t cursing (to fit with Kyla’s personality and characterization).

Your combat sequence was well done. The pacing was good and, of course, you're very skilled at the chaotic violence of disasters. The deaths were so quick, I felt like if I blinked, I'd miss them, and I imagine that's what it was like for her too. There was almost a beauty to it. 

I’m sure while you were reading, your beta cap was on ;).  I’m glad to see that the deaths were snap-snap-snap, as they were supposed to be and as I hoped they would be.  I thought my own attempts at editing might have disrupted the rapid deaths, perhaps even slowed them down, so I’m quite happy knowing it didn’t :).

We get a good look at the kinda person Kyla is here in chapter one. Her character really shines, especially in the listening to her intuition in the approach to battle, and the catastrophe that follows. Well done. 

Thank you.  I’m glad you like it.

[Tcr]

Come Hell or High Water: Chapter Two

 

From CloverReef:

 

Chapter two brings even more excitement. Though the beta cap doesn't want to come off and I wish I had betaed this for you during a few moments, you actually do well flying solo. Some little flow slips aside, this story is easily my favourite out of everything of yours I've read. The characters are amazing right from the start, and in this chapter we get to know Alan, a professional, tactful man who seems unshakeable, yet I suspect, judging from a few brief glimpses, that he's way more 'holy-fuck-what-the-hell-ahhhhhhhhh-we're-all-gonna-dieeee' than he lets on.

 

Excellent update.

 

That beta cap certainly likes to stay on, doesn’t it?  The few moments are probably the same ones I doubted myself over, so I fully understand that idea.  “Easily my favourite out of everything”?  Really?  That’s actually a little surprising, considering my prolific nature, but at the same time, thanks.  I will admit that I think those you have betaed and, what I’ve betaed of yours, has helped in that regard, too.

 

As for characters…  Well, I was hoping that the few, subtleties and brief points showed the multilayered personality of Lieutenant Alan Carver.  And you caught them good enough.  While he is quite professional, there’s no amount of training, I personally, believe to prepare anyone for what would be experienced in combat; they merely have to fall back on what training and what’s been drilled into them.  So I’m glad to hear that :).

 

[Tcr]

Come Hell or High Water

Chapter I through IV

Thanks, DA, for the reviews.  So, from DirtyAngel:

LOL pretty good. Were some syntax errors but nothing that detracted form the story. I liked it so far, just finished chapter 1. Oh and yes, everyone is transfixed by boobs bra covered or not LOL

This is really good and there really aren't very many grammer mistakes. I'm waiting for 5 now

Firstly, thanks for reading and taking the time to review ;).  Glad you liked it.  I’m also glad that at least none of my errors detracted from the reading, so that’s a good.  Every so often I notice things myself that are screaming after I post them and, while I should go back over and fix them…  Well, no excuse…  lol.  This also goes for the grammatical errors involved to…  Been noticing a lot of missed stuff…

And yes, boobs…  Everyone is transfixed by boobs…

 

Chapter Four:

From CloverReef:

Thanks again.  Glad to see that lack of beta hasn’t driven everyone away ;).

The relationship between Zara, Zakari and Jordin is amusing. They seem really close. So there was an odd moment when Zara had to explain to them why she joined. They seemed like they'd been friends for a while, so should already know that. But maybe they just met and just really clicked? Oh well, either way, I look forward to seeing more from that trio.

Zara's lil argument with herself was adorable btw, and her ex is a bitch - she said so herself - so why would she even want to make anything up to her?

Oh, and I'm totally shipping Jordin and Zakari.

The little encounter at the end was my favourite part. I'm getting all atwitter! The fun stuff's about to commence, now ain't it?!

The back and forth banter was a little troublesome, so I’m glad it all worked out in the end.  I wrote the line about her hating the travel with the idea in mind that the three of them getting together was not a common occurrence (especially with them usually being in differing places; ie. Zara in London, Zakari likely in Saskatchewan (as I hope was adequately implied), and the idea that Jordin would be in Louisiana.  I guess that could have been explained a little more and doesn’t really satisfy against the oddity of it, either…  Hmmm…  Well damn…)

I thought the argument was good way to add in the (fictional) ‘11’d out’ and give a bit of an explanation without forcing a lot of exposition in there.  (See?  I’m learning! ).  As for the ex…  Yeah, there’s a few other words I’d use, but bitch sums it up fairly...nicely?  With regards to shipping Jordin and Zakari, yeah, that was the intention in implications .  So, glad that worked, too .

Oh, yeah, fun’s a-coming.

[Tcr]

“No Surrender!  No Retreat!”

Well, this was a little unexpected.  I wasn’t sure this would garner any real attention, having only a hundred views.  It was a fun experience to write something for the Dribs challenge, but I wasn’t thinking anyone would come to it and review it.  Then, suddenly, here’s one…  So…

Thank you, Pittwitch, for the review.

Wow, that was intense.  Well-written, disturbing which I'm sure was your intent.  Good job with the prompt words.

I’m glad everything went across as intended.  Much of the Eastern Front was a Hell Zone and I tried to get much of that feeling into the oneshot in such a short time.  (I admit, the line with ‘Finesse’ was probably the one line I like the most of the prompt words…  But, writer’s indulgence…)

[Tcr]

Come Hell or High Water

Chapters V and VI:

Thank you, CR.

(Ch 5)

This started off interesting. You do the conversation between the officers well, and your dialogue is clearly inspired by something you are passionate about. That being said, it does start to drag a little. There's a bit too much technical discussion going on that lulls your pacing and takes me out of the story.

Once the meeting ended. though, I started to enjoy it again. I really like the end in the bridge. It was an excellent way to close off the chapter with a subtle cliffhanger. And throughout the chapter, Kyla's character and reactions have been strong and interesting, so with the exception of what I already bitched about, it was a good installment.

I was worried that the briefing would drag on (apparently it did…), so apparently still a little left to learn in editing.  As for the passionate side, well, if you’re not going to be passionate about what you write, right?  Technical discussions, yeah…  There’s that passionate side coming through…  The urge to show off the passion and creativity as well as blending real world with the universe created.  (I guess I need to stem some of that, eh?)

I tried to make it so that the morality of right and wrong was blurred so drastically because of the betrayal that, while trying to keep the sense of duty and honour they had been trained in the Stellar Navy and Confederation Marine Corps (Jacs and the rest of the 16th Company), there was no real black and white anymore (something you kind of commented on in the next chapter).  Thus, the pros and cons sides were supposed to have good points either way, with Kyla being the tipping point.

(Ch 6)

First couple scenes are really good. You start this chapter super strong and plunge right into the suspense, then excitement. I really felt the weight of Kyla's hard decision and the possibility that her crew might not approve - maybe even turn hostile about it - even though she's acting in their best interests, the difference between right and wrong is so beautifully obscured.

The boarding is pretty exciting. I mean we know Lopez set something up, but we don't know what so that lends some nice tension to the reading experience. Last scene is just awesome. Nuff said.

I’m glad you thought the hook was adequately placed, so to speak.  :).  I wasn’t sure how well it would all flow together and I’m glad to see that it did so well.  I wasn’t sure if Kyla’s decision came across as difficult for her as it should have and the other side of the equation, Alan Carver, was meant as her literary foil.

[Tcr]

Hell of an Anniversary:

Thank you, CloverReef, for your review. 

The beginning and the action were good, though pretty wordy. My favourite part was the end, though (no, not because it was over.) Your pacing and wordiness cleared up a bit, and the action got really good. And the last few lines were excellent. 

" A loud, wet, resounding snap came from the forearm to a grin on his face."

This was my favourite. Such an unusual but powerful twist of words. 

Nice job, hun. 

Too wordy, eh?  Guess I haven't learned enough to completely cut betas out, lol.  Glad it cleared up by the end, even slightly.  (On a side note, I'm sure that's the entire reason for why it was the best part ...) 

Strange that you thought that was the best line, as that was the one I gave the least thought about.  It was a reaction line, a bit of an insight into Jacs...  A victory of sorts over one person who had tormented him.

[Tcr]

Two reviews this time...  YAY!

No Retreat!  No Surrender! 

From Mastershakeme:

That was sad, but I guess we were expecing an ending like that. I really liked the detail of the gun being kicked away and lost in the rush of soliders. It was FUCKING DEPRESSING! Like 'There goes all hopes and dreams!' Well fml, I quite enjoyed that. The image of the gun disappearing, as Yevgenyia was killed will stay with me... The names were definately hard to prononounce though and I gave them little nicknames so I wasn't constantly stumbling over them. 

Nice job! Nice example of one-shotting lol!!!

I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I tried to make it a depressing environment, since the war itself was, yet also the personal Hell they went through.  The end, for those who know history, was expected, yet there's a certain ambiguity to its as well :).  I tried to choose names that fit, but we're also easy to pronounce...   Apparently not the best ;).

Thanks.   I'm not exactly an example to hold up, but I like to think that I do good. 

 

Blood and Honour:

Also from Mastershakeme:

First of all, I'm also interested in history and I'm fascinated by this time period in general. After having read the first chapter, I feel that your writing displays quite a bit of talent, and I'm intrigued and want to read more. There is room for improvement, but we all have a little room to grow

I think your characters had some pretty relatable and negative emotions revolving around the rise of Hitler. Perhaps a little more detail could be added in relation to the argument.  I want to feel a little more tension over this disagreement that will impact their future. I like the atmosphere of the Nazi environment; the doom and gloom is palatable. I love the inclusion of the radio broadcast. It draws you into the time period.

It's great that you researched. I can tell! You mentioned stuff I didn't know about. Was there really some sort of LGBT in Germany in that time period? Before Hitler of course, the Sexualwissnschaft?

I was interested in the interaction between the 4 characters and you did a good job weaving the character introductions, bits of description – like Fritz's blond stubble and Mattie's hair – and character – such as Hannah's gentle personality – into the story with dialogue and direct actions. Very good! That is a talent, the ability to show not tell.

I wasn't bothered by there being 4 different main characters, but I did have a little bit of trouble remembering all their first and last names as well as their nickname. I didn't have any issues understanding what was going on though, so it's up to you whether you want to change it.

The main stylist change I had in mind would be to possibly condense and simplify the conversions. But I have the feeling you may have been going for a "German 1930s" era type of lingo and the elaborate style of speech may have been how they talked. So, I'm probably the one who doesn't what I'm talking about ;-) I liked the little words in German here and there... I took German in school, I think its fun to try to try and pronounce them. It's super immersive for me!

The kiss between Mattie and Hanna was passionate. I liked it more than their handholding (that action could be smoothed out a bit, it was a little bit wooden). But the kiss was an excellent scene because it expressed the desperation of their situation, the love they felt for each other, and the passion they felt for each other. Beautifully done.

Thank you for posting! I will read some more when time permits. Peace!

Well, now, this is a long one…

Okay... <cracks fingers, neck, spine...>  Someone call 911!

First paragraph:  Thanks, MSM.  I know you started betaing in Chapter 10 and can see the changes, so this is probably a lot different...   Lol.  And yes, we all have room for improvement :).

Second paragraph:  Perhaps you're right regarding detail and necessitating more in there.  I tried to make the atmosphere dark and foreboding...  And the radio was the one way I thought best to start it off...  I'd read that radios and newspapers were the thing back then, people even forced to buy radios later just to hear Hitler speak…

Third paragraph: Actually, yes.  In doing research, I was amazed to learn that Germany was one of the more progressive countries in terms of the LGBT community before Nazism.  Indeed, the Instituet fuer Sexualwissenschaft was a pioneer in pushing that homosexuality was not an illness, but normal.  It's a shame that the books and institute were destroyed… 

Fourth paragraph: I try not to do massive character description dumps as they tend to blend together when I read it, so I usually split them, drop descriptions in throughout.  I'm glad it worked and I'm glad you liked the descriptions and interactions.

Fifth paragraph: Perhaps you're right in the fact that the names may need to be cut back a little... 

Sixth paragraph: I do have a tendency to ramble on, so this might be something to talk about in depth. 

Seventh paragraph:  I tried to make it a bit of a foil.  Wasn't sure it worked, so thanks for pointing it out and reassuring the ego.

Thank you for reading.   I look forward to further pointers and I hope you keep enjoying :).

 

 

[mastershakeme]

3 hours ago, Tcr said:

Thank you for reading.   I look forward to further pointers and I hope you keep enjoying :).

 

Thanks TCR! Keep up the good work!!!!

Edited June 7, 2017 by mastershakeme

[Tcr]

58 minutes ago, mastershakeme said:

Thanks TCR! Keep up the good work!!!!

I keep trying

[Tcr]

In the event people are wondering…  I have removed Hell of an Anniversary in favour of Rebirth.  While I liked HoaA, I made the ultimate decision to remove it for a multitude of reasons.  Thank you,

TCR

[Tcr]

A review?  Well, time to dust off the shelves and make way for another response.

Into the Shadows

From ANON-LCee:

dont normally like vampires but i liked your other stories so i gave it a chance. it was really good i really like octavia. are you gonna use her in anything else? a prequl would b cool

Well, firstly, I have to say, thank you for your review.  It was quite a boost after being down.  I don’t usually write vampire or supernatural stories myself, so that may have a reason why you liked it.  But, as for Octavia, she was fun to write, even in her brief appearance within.  I may use her in something else, a prequel as you said, so she could make a reappearance.  But, thank you, again.  And I’m glad you like my others as well .