BashfulScribe Posted August 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Fair enough. I'm neither smart nor awake enough to get the full implications of 'six years later' so my apologies for that misunderstanding. Yeah, I draw the line around that age too. Hence why it's such a big deal in BMS when Adam finds out about Megan's birthday even if the reader might shrug and ask, "So?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted August 22, 2015 Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 But yeah, as you've written it, Daisy is simply a 12 year old who says to a guy over 18 "I know you have meaningless sex with a lot of girls and I think it's a bad idea." Some people (and some laws) have a very expanded definition of porn, and thus fear of lawsuits and such. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BashfulScribe Posted August 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Also, apologies to the fine people who moderate AFF stories for writing what must have looked like a snarky disclaimer on the new story. I promise it's just my sense of humor and how I get through the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CL Mustafic Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Okay so I tried to read your first story but it left me cold. I read the first chapter of your second story (I believe in giving second chances ) and I actually liked it. I didn't leave a review because I was reading on my phone and have fat fingers. So I thought I'd pop in here to tell you I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Oh and I also liked the shorter chapter because TBH I find 10K word chapters to be tedious to read. **I noticed the disclaimer because yes, people do actually read them... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BashfulScribe Posted August 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Thanks for giving me a second chance, friend! If you don't mind my asking, what was bad about the first story that was improved in the second? I'm always striving to make my stories more enjoyable for readers like you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CL Mustafic Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 To be honest with you, it's really just the genre. I'm not a huge fan of high school drama romance type things. I've tried a couple of times to read them because they seem to have mega amounts of hits on them but it's just not my thing. I think with your new one it helps that the characters are a bit older. And before anyone starts in on me, I have teenagers of my own, I understand that they want to and do actually have sex (not my own of course ) and I have no problem with anyone writing stories about sex between them. It's just not my cup of tea. I enjoy your style of writing, it's pretty clean and concise. I really liked the smart alecky kid Daisy and think it's funny that someone so much older is going to a child for advice on relationships (it speaks volumes about your main character without you having to spell it out). Like I said I'm looking forward to more of this one. CL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BashfulScribe Posted August 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Very cool! I like your observations about the characters. Next chapter will be out on Thursday. Hope it continues to bring you joy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) I have to admit I skipped over your disclaimer. IOW, I didn't read it! Mine goes "Although inspired in part by actual events, this is a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty..." I've gotten to know CL in the Shout Box. She's a nice lady who writes a lot of MM and had already told me she just doesn't get into the teen romances. Edited August 24, 2015 by Joe Long Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Penultimate Posted August 28, 2015 Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 After enjoying the first 12 chapters of Being More Social and reading both chapters of the new series, I'm surprised to say that I'm very disappointed with the new story. It almost feels like it was written by someone who learned English as a second language because of the numerous frustrating idiosyncrasies in the wording. I know from experience that you can do better, Scribe. I feel no connection with Aaron whatsoever. At least in BMS, as clunky as the introduction of Adam's rough past may have been, it instantly generated sympathy for him --even empathy from people who've gone through similar things. But how am I supposed to like a monster-cocked man-whore who fucks every girl in town except his best friend? I've seen maybe three romantic comedies, and the above situation was the premise for at least two of them. Strip away everything else from BMS, and at least it's still a more-or-less original storyline. The "prep" encounter, reminiscent of grade seven awkwardness (and certainly not college students), felt totally unnatural and out of place in the story. Aaron's college is more like a high school, for a variety of reasons. The use of the word "fuckboy" as some kind of official and technical term to describe Aaron makes the characters' dialogue sound like it was translated from a language whose insults just don't work in English. Don't use words in your dialogue that aren't in your everyday vocabulary, brother. It'll show. And then there's the dynamic duo of Chris and Jerome. Why does Chris have "an hourglass figure"? Why do his hips sway when he walks? For God's sake, he's a gay man, not a woman. Why do he and Jerome put such a childish taboo on talking about sex until, out of the blue, Chris just blurts out how great Jerome is at giving head? In addition, I assume the story is taking place in either Canada or the United States, and not Uganda, so why do Chris and Jerome act like their gayness is an embarrassment to everyone around them? 2 less important things during the intermission of this tirade: it's not a "slam dunk" if you throw the thing --clothes, in Aaron's case-- (if you knew that and it was intended to be humorous, well, it went over my head, so please excuse me) and does anyone, even the most well-endowed among us, actually, non-ironically refer to their own penis as an "eight-inch beast"? I don't even want to talk about the scene with Generic D-cup Slut Umpteen-and-Two and Aaron "The Stammer of Thor" "Error 404 No Last Name Found". Penultimately, fuck Daisy. Fuck Daisy and her double life of pretending to be a moron while simultaneously teaching herself. And why the goddamn shit would a twelve-year-old be giving sex and relationship advice to a college junior? Realism aside, Nicole being omniscient was pushing the limits of teenage know-it-all ex machina, but Daisy blows that out of the fucking water. She's more plot device than person. Finally, and this is just conjecture, but I think the reason this series is falling short, like its jokes (sorry, man; try screening them for someone), is because you're rushing it. Nowhere in Being More Social would I find a paragraph that contained the words "beautiful", "beautiful", "beautiful", "beautifully", "beautiful", and "beauty" in just seven sentences, but not in a way that used the religion for emphasis. You can do better, I've seen you do it. I realize that I sound like a giant pulsating asshole in this post, but realize that I wouldn't have even posted it if I didn't want to get really involved in another story of yours. BMS has its flaws, but it's definitely the best erotica I've read on the Internet, and I want to see "The Good, the Bad, and the Molly" reach that level as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JosephSmith Posted August 28, 2015 Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 I assume you meant "repetition" and not "religion" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BashfulScribe Posted August 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 By all means, Penultimate - I don't see your comment as mean-spirited at all. I understand that 'scathing criticism' and 'being a pulsating asshole' are two entirely different things, and if you didn't care about the story, I doubt you would have dedicated this much time to a response to it. Most of the stuff you mentioned will, of course, be taken into consideration as I edit and continue the story. If you don't mind, I will comment in reply to some of what you have said - I realize justification in response to criticism is stupid (I myself believe in the philosophy of 'if you have to explain it you didn't write it well to begin with') but enh. I'll relish in the fact that it's my forum and I get to be a hypocrite sometimes. Firstly, you nailed the basis of both Aaron's and Daisy's characters. However, those were exactly the characters I wanted to portray for both. Aaron is an asshole going through a bit of an identity crisis, wrapped with shame and triggered by chance events. I wanted to go for the stereotypical story because the premise of BMS was different but the plot filled out, I feel, in a predictable way. This series, I'm trying to do the opposite. Predictable setup, unusual direction, just to get viewers to say, "Well, this is dumb. This is just going to be the traditional young adult e- Ohhhhh. Wasn't expecting that." This mindset, I'll admit, takes inherent faith, so it's only fair readers like you call me out on my bullshit. My only real response to that is, "Yeah, I know, just bear with me." Largely, this is an experimental story, where I'm trying out stuff that doesn't work. Daisy is a ridiculous character. No argument there. Another experiment, really. I didn't write her in as a plot device, though - rather, I enjoy stories that challenge our percpetion of what's too far. Naturally it's only fair to say, 'people like that aren't real.' My response is, 'What if they were?' I can, if need be, tone her down, should this opinion of yours be shared universally. Totally acknowledged on the prep encounter. This was an excuse to show how Molly reacts to outside forces on her life, and I'll admit, was written awkwardly. That said, people in colleges where I'm from are remarkably immature, especially considering these guys, while it may not have been expressly written, were straight out of high school themselves. I'm not from a really prestigious area, and in my experience, college freshmen are high schoolers that need a kick in the pants to get going with their lives. The 'fuckboy' comment is acknowledged. I wasn't trying to write it as an insult, more so as a term that inflicts a more 'personal' pain on Aaron, highlighting his insecurity. Clearly this didn't come across well - I'll work on that. Is it not a popular term? It is where I'm from, but again, not exactly Harvard. I will absolutely put my foot down when it comes to Chris. His real-life counterpart, while not represented in what happens to him, exactly matches that description, hourglass figure and all. He likes to keep his sexual life private, and while what will happen with his character, what he says and who he's with doesn't match what is true to real life, such people exist. He is absolutely a gay man and not a woman, but gay men can be like I described and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. The slam dunk was indeed intended to be humorous. Do they refer to it as that? Perhaps not, unless they are a self-absorbed asshole. Don't worry, I don't want to talk about that scene either. Yeah, it's weird. I'm having a problem with repition with my series. As the eagle-eyed Joe Long pointed out, I repeated 'thrust' way too often in the first paragraph of chapter one too. Could you tell me where I overused 'beautiful'? It would help a lot. My sense of humor is very hit-and-miss. In real life I'm really not funny but once in a blue moon I am for whatever reason. No apology needed. It sounds like the main issue of my series besides what we've both acknowledged is that this series isn't for you. I love the constructive criticism, but even if I fixed all of that (which I will to the best of my compromising ability) I feel like it still won't be good to certain readers. Still, readers like you are very important, because they help me improve, so I hope you'll keep reading this series. Hell, if you want to tear me a new one with every chapter I'll be much obliged. I hope BMS and whatever series I release next will be more your speed. Thanks again for the lengthy feedback. <3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BashfulScribe Posted August 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 Side note, if anyone one this thread is feeling super generous and wants to help me out, normally I don't ask for shit like this, but could I get some positive vote love for my story on XNXX? I only ask, I *only* ask because my lovely old friend named ToucanPlay purposefully downvoted my story (four times singlehandedly, may I add, so you know they did it by cheating the system since you can only vote once) for the sake of having it get a lower rating and thus making it unfindable to the general public. Normally I have a mindset of 'only vote positive if you actually liked it and want to' but since the intent was personal on thier end, I'll make an exception. This isn't 'boost my ratings arteficially', this is 'can my story have the rating it used to have before that asshat gave me a low rating just because they don't like me'. If y'all don't believe me, ToucanPlay is an old friend of Jashley13, and he has some colorful opinions of the user too. My story is at the links provided: http://www.sexstories.com/story/71530/ http://www.sexstories.com/story/71733/ Sorry for asking such a petty thing. BashfulScribe 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BashfulScribe Posted August 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 Holy shit... You guys really delivered. I have no clue how you guys managed to do it, but you did it... I'm genuinely floored. The ratings are back to their old state. There is *no need to needlessly upvote the story anymore*, so please disregard my previous post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dark lust Posted August 28, 2015 Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 Keep up the work I will try to post positive more times they allow each day for ya Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BashfulScribe Posted August 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 No, it's okay. No need to at this point. I just wanted to get back up to 90 on both stories, and I did, so everything is golden. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 (edited) I like the premise of the new story and have overall enjoyed the read so far. This isn't a sex story, it's a story that includes sex that will examine attitude and behaviors. Criticisms: As mentioned, the writing doesn't seem as tight as BMS. I have a thing for repeating words. I wouldn't have minded 'hour glass' figure applied to Chris if that was the third time in short order the phrase had been used. And maybe Bashful should just go ahead and set the story in Canada (no big deal) so that he wouldn't have to weed out the Canadian slang terms. Go for it, and show us how a Canuck really talks. We saw more of Daisy than Molly in the first chapter, but that's reversed in chapter two, giving us a first in-depth look at the object of Aaron's attention. I'll disagree with the previous comments about the lunch room scene. What I saw was Molly become very anxious when strange people sat close to her (within touching range) and she seemed to be fighting back a panic attack when Aaron intervened in her behalf - but because the other students didn't know her, they misread Aaron's actions. What hasn't been shown yet is if Molly's condition is something she was born with, or is a result of trauma. Either way, it leaves her socially handicapped, complicating how Aaron relates to her. Is her vulnerability, and his desire to protect her, why he has resisted looking at her sexually until now? In that lunch room scene (which I easily pictured in my college's student union) I wasn't sure of what was meant by 'prep', used to describe the group of visiting guys. 'Preppy' as in describing their attitudes and dress? Freshman, as in straight of of prep (high) school? To me, their actions sounded more typical of jocks, guys who were on the same sports team (wrestling, football, etc) or maybe the same fraternity, who traveled as a pack and had a leader. Aaron's difficulty in leading a double life is to avoid running into his past conquests on campus. He may be picking them up at Friday night parties, but eventually he'll be with Molly and a girl will say something to him - especially now with Holly, who may think there is more than a one night stand available. Edited August 29, 2015 by Joe Long Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) It's a bit of a grey area for me. In the case of my story, a 12 year old and a 20 year old doing anything together is totally pedophilia to me, and I take that, like incest, seriously. I saw this article today at reason.com http://reason.com/blog/2015/09/01/these-teens-kept-their-sexting-private-b Two 17 year olds in North Carolina are charged with felonies for exchanging sexually explicit pics of themselves, because exchanging sexual images of a minor is exploitation. 18 is some magic bright line. Imagine Jessica saying something to the cops about Jack, they search his phone, and then both Jack & Kayla are charged with felonies for sending pics of themselves to each other. Edited September 1, 2015 by Joe Long Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BashfulScribe Posted September 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2015 woo update time yay party Chapter three of GBM was uploaded today! Any criticism, I'd love to hear it! As for Being More Social, I'm as slow as ever. Especially given the situation I've built for myself, I just find this one particularly challenging to write. I'm very sorry for my slow style of writing. I imagine it alienates a few of y'all. Thanks for sticking with me. Y'all are the best. <3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
that-one-guy Posted September 4, 2015 Report Share Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) Read the new one and I'm really liking GBM so far Edited September 4, 2015 by that-one-guy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted September 4, 2015 Report Share Posted September 4, 2015 As for Being More Social, I'm as slow as ever. Especially given the situation I've built for myself, I just find this one particularly challenging to write. I'm very sorry for my slow style of writing. I imagine it alienates a few of y'all. You're writing faster than I am, dammit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted September 4, 2015 Report Share Posted September 4, 2015 Good read, I'll take a few hours to ponder it. The quick takes (5k words) have a different feel, like 30 minute television episodes when all you've been watching are 60 minutes or more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted September 4, 2015 Report Share Posted September 4, 2015 What is sex about? What should it be about? I've had these conversations over the past year. Adam and Nicole really are a couple, in it for each other, even if Nicole won't commit. Aaron doesn't like it, but he is into sex for himself, at least the random sex. It's to get his rocks off while in the company of another person. At least Aaron (and Daisy) realizes that he has divorced sex from emotion, from a relationship. Here's hoping, when the time comes, he can adequately put them back together. Now Aaron's had a repeat performance with Holly, who's in many ways just like him - she's into the sex to satisfy herself. She's realized that Aaron is using her body to fantasize about some other girl, and she's OK with it, because she's using his body to fantasize about daddy. Aaron went and said it - he's using Holly as a piece of meat, objectifying her - but she's fine with being an object, as long as her needs are met. However, on today's campuses, this is skating dangerously close to the line. Even if women enjoy frequent random sex and allow themselves to be objects, they expect to be respected. However, too often it seems that the guys who are their partners become viewed as predators. When Aaron became aggressive in bed he realized it may not have been the best experience for his partner. After time to ponder, could Holly retroactively decide she hadn't given consent? Yes, Aaron's leading a double life, one of them hidden away from Molly. How long can he keep it hidden? What if it comes out if Holly or one of the many other girls decides to challenge him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted September 10, 2015 Report Share Posted September 10, 2015 If you guys will allow me a shameless moment of self promotion, I finally posted a new chapter! (moving some scenes to the next chapter helped). I'd appreciate if anyone could check it out, and I have a forum for comments. http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600107817&chapter=1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dark lust Posted September 10, 2015 Report Share Posted September 10, 2015 You sent another site that has 6chapters on it and you have them here which is better one this one or the old site you gave me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Long Posted September 11, 2015 Report Share Posted September 11, 2015 You sent another site that has 6chapters on it and you have them here which is better one this one or the old site you gave me This version here is much better, I have the same story but rewritten. After awhile I'll catch up with where I was and then continue with brand new story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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