Cuzo's Rant #1

[Cuzosu]

Is it horrible that I think the word which best describes my dad is "asshole"? (Somewhat...sadly...amusingly...my bf is also of the same opinion about my dad, and my dad's been polite to him so far.) My dad is also sexist, though I'm sure he doesn't see it - and I don't know where he gets it from, because his own father is anything but. (My grandpa's a hard-liner and a hermit, and a really family-oriented man. But he doesn't distinguish between male and female when he lights into anyone, even if I think he should be harder on my dad...though I understand why he isn't. My dad's good at making people pay for making him face truths he's not ready to accept.) Don't get me wrong, I know my dad cares about me at least to some degree, but I'm rather confused about just how much and in what way he cares, because.... *sigh* I moved out about eight years ago because I couldn't stand to live with his wife and he wasn't doing anything about the way she treated me - in fact, he was treating me almost as badly as she was, but without the malice. So he has the balls to tell me that (ha) he's upset because I left and he couldn't protect me any more, since I was at my mom's. Yet, his wife is the second woman/girlfriend/spouse I'd had problems with, and the first one? When we'd left, I'd told him about all the crap she'd pulled and let her daughter pull, and when he asked me why I hadn't tried to tell him (I had; he's one of those men who are blind about the faults of the women he's with and it went in one ear and out the other), I explained that I had gotten tired of trying to tell him when he wouldn't listen. He promised to listen next time...but if he listened, he didn't believe me. So, you see, I have come to the unpleasant realization that the person who was a great single dad...is an arrogant, sexist asshole. As much as I loved the man he was, I don't know the man he is, and given that he emotionally abandoned me when we lived with his girlfriends/wife, I am not at all sure I want to rebuild my relationship with him. (Semi-amusing side note, when my bf and I finally set a date to get married and send out invitations, we will have to specify that everyone mind their manners, and my dad will have to babysit his wife if he brings her...and we'll have bouncers to enforce evictions from the event if things get out of hand. Bouncers. At a wedding. *rolls eyes* My brutally honest family meets his can't-say-it-to-the-person's-face family - they don't want to upset people - well, we figure bouncers are a requirement. Better than people getting arrested for taking something personally and ending up in a brawl.)

My mother, by contrast, was a horrible mother at the start - but she's got after-rape trauma, apparently has a thing for picking guys who are sexist and at least capable of being total assholes, and she really wasn't ready to be a mother emotionally when she started - but she's only improved with time. The two things about her style of mothering that stick out to me the most.... In any conflict, verbal or physical, that doesn't involve siblings, my mom will automatically believe her kids over anyone else. She knows how she raised us, and she raised us to own up to our mistakes and to never raise a hand first, and so when we have/had problems with adults, she's right there to back us up. This unconditional trust in our honesty where family isn't involved...it leaves a real impression, y'know? I respect my mom a lot for that, even more so because my dad went completely the opposite whenever we lived with one of his girlfriends. The other thing that really sticks out to me about my mom's way of mothering...the first time she hears about anyone threating to or actually raising a hand (or otherwise getting physically abusive/disciplining) to her kids, she makes herself quite clear: no means no. I have no doubt that it wasn't my dad who made sure my step hag didn't raise a hand to me again after she shoved me and I fell into her damn metal bed frame...because my mom got up in her face over my dad's shoulder, while standing on the front step and they were inside, and my mom promised her direly, "I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life in jail; if I ever hear of you laying a hand on my daughter again, I will hunt you down, and I will kill you." This kind of promise...yeah, pretty sure that's why the hag backed off and barely even touched me, ever, after that; my dad may be an intimidating asshole when he gets mad, but he's mostly hot air and my mom doesn't mess around when it comes to her kids' safety. I have also known my mother to get a bus driver fired for refusing to let my brothers off when the twins were together and a parent was waiting in the vehicle just behind the bus; she does her best to take care of my brothers, even to the point of overdrawing her bank account to pay for chiropracter visits until she can't afford to overdraw any more because they need food and gas. (For some reason, my twin brothers fail to realize how much she tries to accomodate their needs. Ungrateful brats.) In point of fact, one of the times one of her sisters was pregnant (eventually miscarried), she wound up protecting my cousin, as well, because my aunt was blaming her pregnancy problems and previous miscarriages on him. I distinctly remember it; I wasn't supposed to see it, but I was on the stairs when it happened and I was glad she spoke up because my mouthy, self-righteous, protective side was about to assert itself. She told my aunt, "Rhonda, I don't care if you are pregnant - if you don't stop blaming him for your problems when he's just a kid, I will take your ass outside and beat you." It was a particularly effective threat; my mom took karate, and my aunt's a wimp, so my aunt eased up - at least while we were around. (My cousin's relationship with my aunt is so bad that when people use Your Mom insults on him, he just laughs and says, "Yeah, and?"...and has been known to make his own, towards his own mother. His mom's about like my dad, except that she's had a guy pretty much his whole life, whereas my dad was single for most of the first...seven?...years of my life.)

My twin brothers? Ugh. The older twin has this...it's like an anti-talent.... He can open his mouth - not even speak, just open his mouth - and you want to punch him. (My bf has experienced this, too; we're not sure where it comes from, but that older twin is really annoying sometimes, even when he doesn't mean to be.) The younger twin is disrespectful and manipulative, and my bf and I think he has a sister complex. Awkward.

The youngest brother is sweet, but ADHD - undiagnosed, but I recognize the signs - and has been allowed to play violent and gory games from too young an age. But he's more openly loving than the twins, going so far as to spontaneously hug people he's missed, and he enjoys things so whole-heartedly that anyone who's at all willing to be amused tends to find themselves laughing too. (Christmas party for my mom's work this year, one of my mom's boss's sons - confusing, sorry, it's how I had it explained to me - anyway, said boss' son won a good portion of prizes in the drawings, and my brother, having just been told the same about the guy, calls him "Darla Jr." after being informed the guy's name is Derek/Derrick...however you want to spell it. My mom, my bf and I were all laughing over that for some time, Darla herself found it amusing, and my brother kept periodically chuckling lowly, "Darla Jr...." like he was trying to be cool saying it another time around. It was the low voice that got me half the time; he's not even old enough for his voice to change pitch yet, so the lower tone just sounds amusing.)

My step dad...is for the most part a cool guy, very supportive...but he can be a real asshole, too, and he's not demanding enough from his sons, two of whom are now nearing 20 and still living with them, one without a job.

My dad's wife...well, let's just say she's not family; I don't care if she is legally related to me, that woman is not kin to me. I share no blood with her in any way, and, considering the woman tried to mentally abuse me for nine years and was jealous of the attention my dad gave to me and the dog who was part of our family long before we lived with her, I don't feel she deserves my respect, let alone for me to call her family. Her kids aren't my family either, but that's not because of anything between her and me - at least, not on my part. If they don't want to respect me or call me family, that's fine. I'm not going to bother making effort for people who don't enjoy my company.

That's the immediate family - my grandma's an odd one. (I seriously doubt most grandmas would ask their granddaughter what the appeal of bondage is. Mine did.) Lately she appears to be worried about my relationship with my bf, which is baffling me and him alike. We're thinking she's worried because we're not engaged yet *shares puzzled look with bf* because she's been making comments about that, too, a lot recently, and so that's the only conclusion we can draw. Had a dinner with her and Lee (step grandpa) and a few family friends a month or so back, and my bf mentioned that he was getting tired of me tapping him on the nose when I was telling him no - a habit which I've mostly trained myself out of again, thankfully. My grandma instantly said, "You should take that as a compliment; she likes dogs more than she likes people." To which the table erupted into laughter, both because it's true and because what she said was amusing. It's true, I was treating him like a dog in that, though I hadn't consciously made the connection until my bf had first complained about it to me. I'd been tapping him on the nose when I was getting frustrated, borderline pissy, so he wouldn't push me further, and it was only sort of working. (On the other hand, it's also true that I'm more fond of animals, dogs in particular, than I am of humans, so in a way she was right, he should have taken it as a compliment.) It's possible she took that sharing of a minor frustration to be a big problem and just blew things out of proportion, but either way, we don't understand why she's worried about our relationship, since we work on whatever problems crop up between us and the rest are a matter of tolerance or him putting his foot down with his family. (Mine already knows I'll put my foot down hard if they push me, so when I start growling they stop pushing. Makes it a lot easier for us to get along with them, plus my family is really accepting of people and if they have a problem they tend to just tell the person and try to resolve it themselves.) Not that I have a problem with his family...at a little distance. They're good people, they care, they support each other...but they can be judgmental as hell and his mom and older sister have a tendency of sticking their noses where they don't belong. Nearly caused a big rift when his bipolar older sister tried to harangue me for something he and I both do and have agreed we need and therefore will keep doing (reminders of "hey, you need to do this" and "hey, don't forget that"), but thankfully her husband interrupted and distracted her and I could get away before I lost my temper with her. As it was, my bf had a few words to say, and I'd guess her husband did, too, once they were alone, because she apologized the next morning. She's like the dreaded mother-in-law, except she's not his mom. Oh well....

Anyway, I'm PMSing and grumpy - and hungry - so this rant is mostly for the hell of it (although admittedly for a number of years my family life mostly was hell), although anyone who feels like responding is welcome to. I tell my experiences as a way of inviting others to share their own, so have at it, and respond if you want.

[Raymy]

I like ranting in general, don't need PMS help.

My family is pretty good. I'm happy with the lot I drew. Well, except... my next older sister. It could be because we grew up together, but mostly its because she's an idiot. She discovered early in her life that if she couldn't compete intellectually in our family, she would excel at being the poor, sick one. It's an art form, really, because she is very poor (on government assistance) and always sickly (mostly psychosomatic). And its ironic, because she actually excels at art ... forms. She's good at drawing, sculpture, photography, even crafts. She tried to be an actress, but couldn't bring herself to get past the classes. She refuses to use her talent to support herself. It's sad, and I would never have chosen her life. She claims she didn't, but she never takes responsibility for the choices (or lack thereof) she made to end up here. And that is the crux of my conflict with her. I have a personal peeve with people who refuse to acknowledge their own actions, how said actions have directed their life and impacted those around them.

[Cuzosu]

I'd be fed up with that sister too.

Instead, I am fed up with the younger twin of my brothers. I mean, he's family and I love him...but if we weren't family, he's not the kind of person I'd choose to associate with. Y'know? He's manipulative and a mooch, and claims it's the parents' fault he doesn't have a job...but the thing is, he dropped out of high school and had to return this year because he can't make it into town to do the GED thing instead, and every time he has money, instead of spending it sensibly and paying for his own ID or some such, he blows it on soda, video games and junk food.

Now, I can't blame the twins entirely for their attitudes - either twin - because their dad pays for their X-Box Live, their internet, and Netflix for all five computers in the house...without requiring that those old enough to work pay anything in rent. And, I'm sorry, the twins are almost 20; they can damn well pay rent. I was helping with bills by the time I was 17 - not because my step dad required it, but because if they needed help, well, I had nothing better to spend my money on than survival and family who'd supported me, right? So the way the twins were acting...when my step dad finally cracked down on the twin that actually has a job and said he had to help with the bills if he expected to keep all the little extras they pay for, I was thinking, "Finally." Then he didn't do anything about the other twin, which I would have, but....

So I see where you're coming from, with a sister like that.

[Raymy]

I mean, he's family and I love him...but if we weren't family, he's not the kind of person I'd choose to associate with. Y'know?

You bet I know. That's exactly what I've said my whole life. I would have never had anything to do with her if we weren't related. However, I must say that having her as a sister has given me many 'teachable moments'. It made me able to deal with similar people I've met and had to work with. I guess I have a higher tolerance for that kind of behaviour because I've had to reconcile myself to not having any power to change her.

[Cuzosu]

Yeah.... Know what you mean there. 'bout drives me nuts, dealing with my family half the time. Seriously, one of the few things we all have in common is a fondness for meat, pickles, and olives...the rest of our tastes are so varied most of us barely have anything in common. Religion...put it this way, in my family it's very hit-and-miss. Some of us have it, some of us don't, and the rest of us have our own odd beliefs that mesh a number of different religions' teachings. It's quite fun, if confusing.