Tomb Raider: Fat Man Chronicles, review and discussion thread.

[MorbidFantasy]

Whoa now, this is a discussion not an "argument". Even if it were, a useful argument must have a meaningful direction.

The main questions right now is what parts of the current preview do you like, and what parts would you like to see modified, changed? The doc is "can-comment" so you can leave grammatical corrections there, while all plot related grievances can come here.

So far what I can gleam from the feedback is Xavier's "hunt" must be undertaken for the sake of his machismo.

infact, its the men who should feel humiliated - THEYRE PAYING FOR IT. NOT besting her. "HA HA I WON.... so we're cool now -right?" Some victory.

Some of the men will have very personal grudges, like Xavier, and want personal revenge/payback. For some like Gordo, it's straight up perversion and fantasy-fulfillment. Still more will see this as strictly a business venture.

Those that see this as a business venture will only see things in terms of monetary or political trade-off. Everest bringing together these bosses has much less to do with the level of grievances against Lara they each have than it does with what Everest can get out of this partnership.

Xavier's business-benefits will be made clear by the end of Assignment One. Here are some examples of the other bosses's various benefits, without too many spoilers:

1. Human trafficking and or drug trafficking infrastructure (includes transit infrastructure)

2. Black market zones of control

3. Access to certain political groups (government)

4. Access to certain clandestine groups (spy network, assassins, specialists)

5. Money/asset laundering on a global scale (asset being non-sexual)

Most of these traits will be shared by more than one boss. There are some unmentioned unique traits that I haven't developed yet or aren't sure if I'm going to use yet so am not mentioning.

So even though the thrust of this story is Lara getting pawned off like a negotiation chip and the spotlight of the story is on her sexual servitude, the fact is she's not the center spotlight in the grand plan. She's the opening act, the keyturn that will get certain larger entities moving.

It's not really what they get to do with Lara or how they feel about what they do with Lara that's important. Everest is using Lara like a show-pony, proof that his controlling abilities. He doesn't really give a damn if the other men are fully satisfied with they're experience as long as whoring Lara to them gets Everest whatever returned services that he needs for whatever other schemes he has.

So to a certain point, showing their dominance of Lara will be a common theme among the bosses. However not all of them will feel the need to prove themselves like Xavier. Some might even consider it detrimental to let their minions know that "boss has a horny side", which could be defined as a weakness. It's very possible that some of Lara's trysts will actually be her exiting and entering the bosses's bedroom in the suitcase, wheeled in and out by Gordo, and none of the boss's guards or minions will know anything has happened.

At least one boss will not use Lara in any sexual way what so ever. It is planed for this boss to have a very little libido, but want Lara to do him other non-sexual favors, which may or may not be just as distasteful as straight up rape/humil/exhib.

[MorbidFantasy]

Maybe I'm just used to longer posts and not a string of anon posts. If I come back and have to go back a page to make sure I didn't miss anything I feel a little inundated. Registering and posting under a user name will also allow you to edit your post into a longer one if I haven't responded yet.

You should really register as a user on the forum. I'm of the impression that at most guest_guest posts here consists of at most two unique individuals who are very outspoken about your opinions, which is cool, but I'd prefer to be sure that a particular group of comments can be properly attributed, especially if those comments result in meaningful edits or directions in FMC. As I've said before it's hard to thank "Guest_guest" for input. Too impersonal to me.

Edit: In no way am I saying I don't appreciate the comments. I'm only saying the current goal here is to discuss whether the plot makes sense and not get too speculative about what constitutes male-dominance over Lara. That definition is very fluid due to individual tastes both irl (you, me, him, her, they) as well as in FMC (Gordo=!Trent)

Guest, on 12 Nov 2013 - 11:46 PM, said:

So, when did insulting a fan of your work become par for your course? about the same time as becoming a coward? hmmmm? l o l

It upsets me that you construe what I've written as an insult. I was joking about the fervor with which this thread has been updated, especially when I see a stack of AFF notifications in my gmail inbox. Believe me when I say this I'm not one to mask an insult and if I had intended to do that to you I'd have been very explicit and would have done so in a much longer and poetic fashion.

Oh did I forget to mention that I love writing long drawn out insults in poetry form? it's only second to my love of writing really really long forum posts then editing them a bunch of times immediately afterwards.

On the other hand, what is this about cowardice? I DEMAND CONTEXT AND EXPLANATION.

Edited November 13, 2013 by MorbidFantasy

[Guest Guest]

thank you. I take back everything i wrote. for now - kidding. i got adhd.

[Guest Guest]

coward is about the last thing you are. I love your passion, and hate the fact you feel obliged to question it.

You feel unsure of your ability to project her as strong in dialogue; unsure of the plot making sense.

Have faith in yourself... not the likes of me - for certain.

To master free-flow banter understand three things 1:situation 2:characters perception of situation ie business/not rape 3: personality

good luck.

V.

[Guest V]

For "the hunt" to be a "valid" means of regaining his machismo she needs to be dressed and armed as she was...this is an impossibility without his men knowing its staged. Your only option for it would be he "caught" her "fleeing" the runway on arrival. You didn't do that. So go with the "gift" idea. walk her like a slave... have her "wet nurse" the village infants - even pigglets, even babbie goats, etc (his "father of the village" image). then take her to bed.

[Guest V]

Skip the son idea(13 yr old) it paints you in a bad light - it will be seen as something YOU want. certainly if you repeat it. Go with the "young love" being adult porn actors. you will draw scum -This is not the group you want to attract to your work.

[Guest V]

I understand your trying to placate a demographic with wish fullfillment. Trust me, even they will have a negitive reaction to it. They want fuck her when she is willing. - wants to fuck them because shes attracted to them... ego again. The only group who will want to read about thirteen-fourteen year old boys unwittingly SEXUALY dominating/humiliating/violating a universal symbol of female empowerment....? GUESS.

[Guest V]

A good 'exit strategy' for X to have for selling to his men the idea of releasing Lara back into the world and not keeping her or maiming her once he is done is important. I suggest he "issues her a challenge" if she can 'procure for him the allegance of four other heffes... she can keep her face and body intact' this is what shes going to do anyway - but saves face for him.

[Guest Guest]

yeah her willingly agreeing to being an active pedophile for her family honor sake?

[Guest Guest]

i'm sure she'll be drugged and masked. She better be, or that kid has bragging rights to her cradle robbing ass for life - unless she kills a thirteen year old kid...bit out of character

[MorbidFantasy]

I understand your trying to placate a demographic with wish fullfillment. Trust me, even they will have a negitive reaction to it. They want fuck her when she is willing. - wants to fuck them because shes attracted to them... ego again. The only group who will want to read about thirteen-fourteen year old boys unwittingly SEXUALY dominating/humiliating/violating a universal symbol of female empowerment....? GUESS.

Oh no no no I'm not trying to "placate" real world demographics, nor am I catering to a group of 13 year olds.

I'm saying there is something juvenile about the way barely pubescent males see female sex symbols. I would know, since I used to be one of them. The "nod" I mentioned was to my own inner 13-year old, which was around the age at which I started imagining creative combinations of the female body and bondage. teens can be very sick too, you know.

I don't think Lara's that much more disgusted by sex with 13-year old males vs of age males. In "streets of London" she laments because of the corruption of London's youth. It's the corruption rather than the sex that puts her off. In Xavier's case Lara always assumed the son would inherit the father's ways so that disgust would also be less about pedophilia and more about twisted male mentality.

I'm not exactly a fan of pedophilia either because it represents the taking advantage of youth by older people who ought to know better. This sort of abuse is why you'll never see me writing about underage girls being raped in my fics. The context in which Xavier wants to "blood" his son by letting him have Lara draws from more ancient and barbaric themes. Ancient boys in Rome and Helenistic countries, when they go into puberty, are often introduced to heterosexual behavior via a prostitute. In the case of Xavier's son, Lara serves not only as a gateway to adulthood, but also has themes of twisted mother/son incest without it being actual incest and only because she's also fucked Xavier. Lara's well versed in ancient cultures and would see the similarities of this ritual.

In her mind: "Ah great (sarcasm), the son is becoming the father. The little twit is already learning from the old twit." I don't really think having sex with a young teen is any more gross to her than having sex with Gordo or a bunch of inmates.

Until I do decide on putting teens in here though this is just random thoughts. Boy Pedophilia as a social stigma is a more modern concept. In ancient Rome it was a crime only if the boy is a non-slave (read pederasty in wikipedia). I'm unambiguous regarding young girls though. That one's a big no-no.

Edited November 13, 2013 by MorbidFantasy

[Guest V]

good boy.

[Guest v]

Give this mind set a try for X it may help w/ banter flow. He genuinely wants to impress Lara with his 'charm' (again - Latin ego). Years ago he misread her sarcastic rebute to his swagger as genuine sexual interest, and attacked who he let himself believe was an eger and willing participant. It is his desire, on a very deep personal level, to at least be made to believe, she NOW sees him as a potential (had they just met) man of romantic interest to her. He tells her in private(once the public display/rape/humiliation is done) "I had to do that. If they saw me as gentle, and you as you are? well..." Charming her in his hacienda will also give credence to your son being blooded - "watch, THIS is how to make a "lady"(aristocrat) want you - you try"

[Guest curious]

Wasn't she INJECTED BY KITTY w/ the counter agent to the orgasm negating creme at the manssion BEFORE YOUNG LOVE?

[Guest curious]

reread page 1 of this very thread.

[MorbidFantasy]

Wasn't she INJECTED BY KITTY w/ the counter agent to the orgasm negating creme at the manssion BEFORE YOUNG LOVE?

reread page 1 of this very thread.

Yeah I confess to possibly screwing that one up. At first it was going to be "we gave you drugs to keep you from cumming, now we're giving you drugs to let you cum super much." so I went with the needle. Then I decided to make things easier to control so wrote in the O-remote+O-device. This is one potential continuity error that I've been very aware of, yet still haven't fixed.

Not entirely sure what the best way to fix it would be. But the O-remote is here to stay. So either the needle injection was special nanite technology to trigger/activate the O-device, or it's just a extra large dose of drugs so the device can start effecting Lara.

The thing is from the time that she left the mansion to this chapter Lara's only been cumming from the O-device (akin to electric shocks), so the natural climax inhibiting drug is still in effect, until Gordo sprayed her bits in this chapter, after which she can cum both naturally as well as from the O-device.

Still, it's sloppy writing, and I apologize.

Edited November 18, 2013 by MorbidFantasy

[Guest v]

I think her inner dialogue would be a better place to display her strength during the public humiliation... her indifference. ie he's hammering away like a jackhammer on her and she's like "lovley architecture... early 1880's with a... my God... gargoiles? I'll just imagine THEY are shagging me better than him."

[Guest v]

correction "...me - better than him." missed it last time

[Guest curious]

end of airline interlude, she's in the suitcase - having multiple orgasms he can neither hear nor see. THOUSANDS have read this already. You have writen a great piece in "not ready" but it will confuse too many people

[MorbidFantasy]

end of airline interlude, she's in the suitcase - having multiple orgasms he can neither hear nor see. THOUSANDS have read this already. You have writen a great piece in "not ready" but it will confuse too many people

Could you clarify a little? I'm not sure what you're referring to.

[Guest curious -v-]

Certainly. At the end of your chapter "airtime interlude" you have Gordo place Lara back in the pleasure mobile, and he sets it to it's higest setting. She is described to experiencing 'multiple' orgasms caused by the pleasure mobile, that cause her to moan wantonly. Not caused by him blindly throwing the switch of the o-meter. In your latest chapter you insist she was unable to orgasm at all w/out the o-meter until she was spritz on the post... making the afore mentioned scene impossible

[MorbidFantasy]

Certainly. At the end of your chapter "airtime interlude" you have Gordo place Lara back in the pleasure mobile, and he sets it to it's higest setting. She is described to experiencing 'multiple' orgasms caused by the pleasure mobile, that cause her to moan wantonly. Not caused by him blindly throwing the switch of the o-meter. In your latest chapter you insist she was unable to orgasm at all w/out the o-meter until she was spritz on the post... making the afore mentioned scene impossible

See this is why beta readers are so damn valuable. These are the little details I always face-palm about when I find them, which doesn't always happen.

Thanks for catching the discrepancy. I'll work a fix into the chapter when I have the time.

[Guest v]

You re most welcome. Happy to be of help

[Guest v]

Just a note regarding what may be an already corrected issue that I may have overlooked/misread - Vasily? Isn't he supposed to be with her at all times to perform during her servitude? Default handler? ("INITIATION: PART ONE")

[MorbidFantasy]

Just a note regarding what may be an already corrected issue that I may have overlooked/misread - Vasily? Isn't he supposed to be with her at all times to perform during her servitude? Default handler? ("INITIATION: PART ONE")

Yeah I'm already aware of that discontinuity. An entirely different draft of this chapter actually had Vasily in it but I lost interest in it. I'm now trying to rework him in or retconn the default handler business. My current assessment is that when I was writing "Initiation", I was on a roll and threw in several things that felt right at the time but in retrospect were rather limiting.

A new version of what happens next has been brewing in my head for a few weeks. it shares some similarities/sections with the current preview but establishes a lead up to a different sex scene that I've found much more enticing than the current direction.