Open Dating

[Shinju]

I was going to do a pole on this but phrasing became a pain in the ass. I need some advice. When a man says they're not the jealous type, does he mean it? Like, let's say your a chick going out with a dude and he says it's okay for you to date other people, he's not going to freak out when you really start dating other people, is he??? Are there any guys out there who are/have found themselves in this situation? Any girls who openly date who could give me some advice?

[Araneola]

My boyfriend tells me he's not the jealous type... and he's really not. He happens to be very open and if I didn't want a serious relationship he would have been okay with that.

Lucky for him I don't want anyone else to have him

But I think this situation is a person-to-person basis. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who are just looking for a good time and couldn't care less who you decided to have a "relationship". There are the guys that are simply so infatuated with you that no man can come within 50 ft of you. And then there are some guys who just want you to do what's best for you. (and those are the good kind!!)

Assuming you trust this man or whomever, I would have to take his word. If he freaks out, well, quite frankly it's his own damn problem because he told you it was alright. Most of the men I know don't dance around these sort of issues. If he's going to lie to you about this, then he isn't worth having anyway

Hope this helped!

[Zimarah]

Well, I can tell you that initially my husband also told me the same thing. He has since elaborated that "so long as you're safe and you tell me, you can sleep with anyone you want." Also, the reverse has to be true, so if I do, he's allowed to as well.

Now, I won't be doing this mind you, but as far as the not jealous type is concerned, very true in my case.

[Shirotaka]

I can speak for myself and any other male I have known, though we may say it's okay... It is NEVER okay.

Sometimes we say that to make you feel special, or like we're open and deep or something, but it's just an act. We are jealous and possessive.. ALL OF US!!

DON"T DO THIS TO US! IT HURTS!

The mere fact that some guys hold this to a double standard is sickening to me..

If you are in a relationship, be committed, guy or girl.. nobody benefits from an "open relationship" at the end of the day. The people in it get to wonder if they are loved or good enough for their partner, and the flashes in the pan of the people brought in for a day or three get essentially used.

I repeat, please don't do it to us.

[Guest Zyx]

I can speak for myself and any other male I have known, though we may say it's okay... It is NEVER okay.

Sometimes we say that to make you feel special, or like we're open and deep or something, but it's just an act. We are jealous and possessive.. ALL OF US!!

DON"T DO THIS TO US! IT HURTS!

The mere fact that some guys hold this to a double standard is sickening to me..

If you are in a relationship, be committed, guy or girl.. nobody benefits from an "open relationship" at the end of the day. The people in it get to wonder if they are loved or good enough for their partner, and the flashes in the pan of the people brought in for a day or three get essentially used.

I repeat, please don't do it to us.

yeah, true, but it might also be the guy doesn't really care about the girl XD

"not the jealous type" might just mean "never been in love" XD

[Zimarah]

I find that rather offensive. Basically you are telling me that my husband and I either

a. Don't love each other. I beg to differ.

b. He actually doesn't like the open relationship idea, which makes no sense. Why would he lie and say that he would be OK with it when I have already told him that I'm not keen on the idea? Why not just agree?

I think it would be safer to say that some guys who say they are OK with it, actually are. Others, for whatever reason, are lying about it.

Edited January 4, 2008 by Zimarah

[RikuDrak]

Well, I'm not into that sort of thing, but my mum wants to be. It's too bad she's an old bag and needs to start acting like one. She doesn't want to though. She still thinks she's "sexy and seventeen" and wants to do all sorts of (in my opinion) wierd crap like have "friends with benefits" and crap.

She asked my stepfather once (she was married to him) if he would mind having an open marriage. He said it was no problem, he was interested in other women. He lied. My mum screwed around with other people and he got severely pissed off. We were visiting in, well, the Netherlands (I wasn't born here) and he left us early claiming he was going to ship some stuff to us and ended up leaving us high and dry. He took all his crap and left the house, didn't pay any bills, essentially got us evicted and never spoke to us again. Let me mention he was the bread earner.

So, well, at least there is a testimonial to men that lie to make their partner feel like they're open and not actually meaning it.

[Guest Zyx]

@Zimarah: I'm on the other fucking side of the world, to me "him not loving you" seems realistic enough. I mean: I don't know you. If you take offence to that, not my problem.

[DarkCabaret]

I can't say I'm up for open dating. I like to be exclusive. What's the point of being together if you're just going to go fuck other people?

IN MY OPINION open dating is another form of being a whore ..... but like I said IT IS MY OPINION (no reason to over-re-act to that!)

[Shirotaka]

I agree but in less whore-naming terms lol

[Shinju]

I really did open up a can of worms here, didn't I?

I'd just like to say, with no offense intended, that there is a difference between being a whore and never again wanting to be in the "relationship" position. Perhaps you've never had the one you love seriously threaten to stab you with a fork if you didn't let him win an argument, or hold your animals hostage unless you a) let him beat up your father because he is jealous of any man in your life, or let him force pain medication down your throat so you could become an addict.

Yes, yes, I know. Not everyone is like this. But after meeting a few, trust me, you don't really want to shift through any more. Because they all seem nice at first and it sometimes takes several years to find out people's true natures. Some of us just no longer have the time or inclination.

What I'm looking to gauge is how many people have been in a no-strings agreement but were dishonest about the way they felt?

[Zimarah]

@Zyx: Fair enough.

My point is that there are probably guys out there who say they are willing to be in such a relationship and mean it, while there are some who say it and don't mean it. I'm sure there are couples out there who love each other dearly and still leave the relationship open (like friends of mine) and others who are simply in a no strings attached, just for the sex relationship. Whatever ends up working for you.

But really, if you say it, and don't mean it, you have zero right to be upset if your partner does sleep with someone else. It's pure logic. How would your particular boyfriend really react? Who knows?

I don't see how being in an open relationship is the same as being a whore. It's not like you're getting paid.

[Guest Zyx]

having permission and not doing it is the right thing to do, even if the person really doesn't mind you'll still get points for romance

[Guest TheAdrians]

We've been in an open relationship, and while it leaves a person wanting...It was honestly the most successful relationship we've ever had. It's because everything was put on the table before hand. We didn't hide any of our expectations for the relationship. We were honest with each other from the get go.

We suppose it isn't for people who are really looking for that life-long, 100% monogamous, romantic-to-the-core kind of relationship, but it can certainly be a functional one if you communicate.

Maybe we're restating what lots of people have said, but we figure an open relationship is acceptable, if not preferable to a very tightly leashed monogamous relationship.

T.A.

[Lost_Soul]

Hmmm.... Well, I'm not a jealous type myself. I don't think. >.> I encourage that my lover hangs out with their friends no matter what gender they are. ^^ As long as I am able to hang out with my friends the same way. But the open dating thing... I don't know. o.o I do want my lover to at least be with another person once sense I am their first and only... ^^; I'm worried they might miss out or something and that I might not be good enough for them... >.>; Though my lover disagrees and also doesn't want to share me to anyone. XD; I think my lover is a jealous person because I keep getting hit on by both genders. LOL

[Masamune]

great topic Shinju. This is something you just wouldn't have seen years and years ago... but now, it sometimes is the best thing to be in a relationship that's open. It depends though...

I've been in three open relationships (we were allowed to see other people, even screw around with them, so long as we told each other about it), and it really depends on how much you can trust and communicate with the person. You need to both be okay with the very real possibility of your partner getting stolen up by someone else.

If you know the person you're with will be okay with it, and you know you will be too, then everything will turn out fine. But, make sure that they're not just agreeing to it because they see no other alternative, otherwise it's just repressed feelings and bad stuff all around...