Lost_Soul

Neither have I I have never been to space! X3

Yeah, that part there, about the rich white kids starting a fad on cutting would really piss me off and I think I would have gone off on them if I was there. >_< I take the whole cutting thing very seriously and I don't like fuckers like them treating it as some fad! I think I would have kicked some asses if I caught anyone doing that around my town. >_> About your friend not telling you is how a cutter (real one who have mental problems) would go about it and keep it a secret and hide it from others. That's how I did it until I got caught. -__-; And he's probably hiding how he really feels from you and puts up this happy front. That's what some do. I do that, I hide how I really feel from people and put up this happy, nothing is wrong with me front so no one worries or knows my real problems. And not talking or complaing about how bad his life is another way he hides his problems, the same way I do it. Laughing helps make the problems go away sometimes, I do that myself and would joke about everything constantly and make fun of myself. So I know what he's doing, cause it's exactly how I go about things. You might want to let him know that you are there for him and are willing to listen and talk about anything he might want to let out. He's probably botteling up everything inside because he is most likely ashamed and afraid that someone would know about this problem he has and no one understanding him or are willing to help. You are a good person to help your friends when they need you, even at those crazy hours. Not many people would do that for someone. My advice is help support the one who you mentioned is taking meds and recently stop cutting, he is taking a big step and don't let him do it alone. He will need a good friend like you to be there for him when things do fall backwards, and trust me, those things happen a lot to people who go through this shit. I am sorry that has happened to you. -__- I had the same thing happen to me almost. My mother didn't want to believe that I had a severe mental problem and she had a hard time understanding it. I think she is in denial about it. And she didn't want to deal with me and my shit anymore that she made me move away from her and live with my father cause he suffers from depression, so she thought he would help. The problem is, how can two depressed people help each other!? D< And she never helped me during the my hard time and ignored it, she was very cruel about all of it; her, my step dad, sister, and my mothers family. And my friends who I thought were friends did the same thing to me as they did to you and said the very same things ironically. I'm so very sorry, I wish I was there for you and we both could have been depressed together! X3; (sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood and be funny about this... >.>; hope I didn't anger you about this) Tough love is good, my fathers coworker and friend gave me tough love. She was great though and she was like another mother I never had. And you having to pull yourself out of the mess only makes you even stronger, that's what I did most of the time when I was left alone during the whole process. And your right, people who are depressed has to make an effort, you can't expect everyone to do everything for you, how the hell would you be able to deal with it and get better on your own during the times when you are left alone you know. And being dumped by your friends does suck alot! DX It's a bitch! >_< It sucks to be left in the dark and alone. And it's good to know you won't do that to another person who will go through something like this. Makes you a better person and a true friend. ^__^ True. Many are close-minded and choose not to fully understand. And I also agree with you on "you need to help yourself before anyone else can". I don't think you are being harsh about it, it's telling the ones who have depression and/or cutters that, you have to be willing to get yourself better, otherwise, your just wasting your time on helping them. You know what I mean? Thanks Juno for your kind words and compliment. I was actually very terrified to post this topic up for all the world to see. I can't believe how much I have opened up and told my past and deep dark secret of myself that I am very ashamed of to everyone. I can't believe how much I have said already. I just hope people don't see me differently on here and think of me as some freak. Because if that happens... I might delete this whole topic. -__-

I know the feeling. -__- And yeah, that's what people say to me to just 'snap out of it' and it really doesn't work that way. Even my family tells me that and I tell them it doesn't work that way and I have already tried that! DUMBASSES! DX< I do hope you get better, and if you feel like you need to rant about it, I opened this post just for that reason. This post is for anyone who wants to rant about their depression problems and get it off of their chest. I am here for you to listen and help you in any way I can. and so is greenwizard, sense she offered up herself and lend an open ear to anyone who needs to talk. (I think greenwizard is a girl... sorry if I am wrong greenwizard! >.<; )

Yeah, my lover used to be anorexic in his late teens. But that stopped and it happened before I ever met him. Yeah, someone thinks I'm on the verge of anorexia because I have lost so much weight recently. My depression gets me to the point where I am so forgetful and I feel like not eating or forget to eat that I have to make myself eat cause I know it's not healthy. I believe I am between 105-110 pounds now, and I am 5'4 1/2" tall. I am told I am very pale looking and skinny and ill looking. So now I wear baggy clothes to hide that, I don't need more attention on another problem I have. And I prefer to hide my problems from people, so my scars on my arms are of course covered by long sleeves most of the time. I am not anorexic mind you... I love food! X3 Sorry people tied you up and force fed you. ;__; Sadly though, that's how they do things when it comes to getting anorexics and bulemic people to eat. Though I have never seen it, I remember when I was at a psych ward I saw an anorexic having to sit at a table with another staff who had to watch them eat a certain amount of food on their plate before they would let them go. That's how they got an anorexic to eat, and they would keep doing that same treatment until the person gained a healthy amount of weight. But how people help you in the psych wards, their way of doing things are awful and mean. They treat us like animals and are rude to us. I couldn't piss in peace without someone there standing by the door. And if I had to go use the bathroom, I had to ask the staff because all of the bathrooms are locked! D< And when they restrained me at one hospital, one guy told another staff "Let me do the honor" as if tieing me up was an honor for them and saw it as fun! I WAS PISSED! I'M NOT FOR YOUR FUCKING AMUSEMENT! I AM A HUMAN BEING DAMMIT, WITH FUCKING FEELINGS!!!! D< I made it hard for them though, I am notorious for getting out of restraints! >D It takes 6 grown men to restrain me, and they still have a difficult time doing it! XD Took two shots of sedative to calm me down... >.>; They had to pull out another type of restraints because the regualr ones didn't work on me. XD So yeah... I'm good at getting out of restraints and have done it several times. o_o; lol, thanks greenwizard. I'll think about that. I'm again, not one to talk to people about my problems, if I got to know you more, maybe I will take up the offer and come to you to talk about my shitty life. lol XD; Thanks, it was very thoughtful of you, glad to know you care about me that much! Though everything I have mentioned on here about what has happened to me so far is alot for what I usually would talk about to anyone. And it's all about my past. Now... well, it's not as bad as how it used to be, if that helps.<Feels loved~! ^__^

I actually agree with you, cutting is a way to gain control over yourself. I know it did for me for only a short amount of time and keep me stable for a little bit. But the bad thing is that I would keep going back to doing it because it never lasted very long. And I agree with you on that too. I am the same way. I am a huge people pleaser! XD; And I get sad when I can't please everyone. I learned the hard way that you can't always please everyone. Cause one thing might please one person and anger another. I came to that conclusion when my family made me choose between them and my lover Tom. That I should put them (my family) first instead of my lover because he was not Cho blood, he was not family, and that I should love them first and not him. I said that I do not want to choose, that I wanted to love both, that I wanted both. But they wouldn't allow it and said that I was dishonoring them and betraying them... sighs~ And that's when they were very angry with me and I was almost disowned because of that incident. T__T I can't be like them, I'm hardly like them and I can't believe I am born into a family like that. Racist, emotionless, hateful and selfish. God must have made a mistake because I am not like them, cruel to others who are not apart of the family. I wonder why I am the way that I am and didn't end up being like them. Thanks for your words, I know it will pass, I just have to have the patience for it to happen. I'm just sick of the same shit and I have such bad luck in life. I was just lucky enough to run into Tom and still have him by my side after everything that has happened. ^_^n I can't believe he is still willing to deal with my mental problems and my shit everyday. >_<;

Well... for me... I bottle things up. >.>; I know it's not good to do, but that's how I deal with things usually. But cutting was another way for me to let things out. Sense I don't do that anymore, I now have to learn to talk about my problems, which is hard. My family and cultural ways, we don't talk about problems, we actually ignore them and pretend it doesn't exist. We also NEVER talk about family problems or relative issues and personal problems with anyone outside of the family. That is a huge no, no! >.< I would probably be disowned if my family found out that I have talked about my personal problems with you guys... >_>; That's why I have such a hard time talking about my problems with ANYONE because of that fact on how I was raised in my cultural back round. Yeah, it's true, most people don't believe you and do treat us like some bomb about to go off! I don't know how many times people saw me like that and distance themselves from me. It actually hurts when people do that. lol, and how I cope with my severe disability I have no clue. XD; I guess I have such a strong will to cope and go on with life, I mean, I have gone through this shit my whole life so far, I am born with this mental problem. >_<; I should have learned a few things on how to deal with some things without going fully crazy! XD; And yeah... I have tried banging my head on a wall more than once to try fix whatever is wrong with my head... it didn't work... -__-;

Yeah, well you did what you could for her. She's the one who chose not to get better and help herself, you did what you could and that's what matters. I can relate to the sex addict. I used to be a sex addict in the past, but I stopped when I started dating Tom. My sex addictivness was my way of filling the emptiness inside and feel some sort of love or want of me. Even though it was the bad way of doing it, it didn't help me and only made me feel more empty and unloved; thankfully I found Tom to get me to stop that habit. And yeah, to cope, I throw all that into my art and poetry and also helping others on whatever problems they have. I like to help people, I usually put people's problems first instead of mine, that's how much I care.

Aww thanks cu-kid. But yeah, I can understand why your friends didn't want to take the meds, thats how I felt to.. except, I felt empty and emotionless when I took the damn medication, and I didn't think not being myself was worth having a sane mind for awhile. The thing is, anti-depressent meds I don't think work because they hide the problems, not fix it. You know what I mean? They just treat the depression, they don't treat the cause of it; so it won't go away, it will just be hidden. That's how I see the medication and is why I choose not to take them. I want to treat the cause of it, which is my goal. >.< I'm glad you are one of the few who stands by your friends side when they are going through a hard time such as what you have told me. You truly are a good friend, a real friend. ^^ You're a very good person to do all those things for someone, reminds me of how Tom is. XD; And yeah, having anxieties can be a bitch. DX I had it really really bad towards the end of last year, thankfully I have it under control... for now... >_<; I hope you are able to overcome them, it's not healthy to be in fear all the time you know. I hate it! DX<

I hear ya! -__- I know what you mean. But shit happens in the world and there are people out there who just want to ruin it for everyone. >_< There's people out there like you and me and others who actually take the time to notice and want to do something about it for the better. I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who notices and actually gives a damn about it, thanks zyx for posting this, I hope it will make people realize how shitty the world has become and hopefully people will take action and make a difference. All we can do is hope for a better tomorrow. ^__^

Hello Solaris~! X3 It's ok, this Chocoholics anonymous is happy that you are here. Yes, you shouldn't be ashamed, great that you are proud of it!

I am not an emo or a hippie! X3 Emos are people who cut themselves for attention and whines and bitches and hangs out on myspace all day. I don't do any of those on here or outside in the real world. >.< This link will explain who and what an emo is and I am NOT what they explain! lol XD; (its really funny)I have never died XP

CHARGE~!!!!!! XD; ::Charges into the staright bar, grabs a straight man and kisses him::

I said I have never and it is a point to the thread if its I have never you dumbass! Its not lame and I am not a pussy! You don't even know, first of all, what those fears are so don't be such an asshole! I know I am a strong person and brave one, you just don't know the half of it or even know me in the first place! So don't be disrespectful of my experiences! Cause I'm not with yours! Anyways... I have been in a relationship that has lasted more than 5 months, my relationship has lasted almost 3 years now and is happily married. ^^ I have never seen the man on the moon! X3

Sorry, but I just have to let this out... Here me out before you go running for the hills! >.<; I get so frustrated and ANGRY when people (most) who find out that someone has depression or is a cutter, they treat us differently and think we are crazy/psycho and go running for the hills away from us thinking we are a bad influence and assume we will hurt someone and never get better! Now before I go on ranting about this... This is the part where I will be opening up and telling my deep dark secrets to people I don't even know, and I rarely ever do so whoever reads this should be appreciative and respectful, cause I don't talk about my problems nor do I tell people about my deep dark secrets about myself.... until today. But today... I thought I should talk about it with you guys cause I hope you guys would be understanding and would listen to what I have to say. Also, don't tell me I should go see a shrink cause I have with several throughout my life and they don't give a shit! I KNOW, cause I have been through it and they are there for a fucking paycheck from what I have experienced! Anyways, I'm doing fine without one and I have my lover to go to and some few friends I can trust to talk. If anyone here is going to say bad shit about me on this then fucking LEAVE! Cause I don't need to hear it! I have heard it from SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO DON'T FUCKING HAVE A CLUE ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH AND THINK THEY KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN JUST CAUSE THEY HAVE A FREAKING PH D. ON PSYCHOLOGY THEY KNOW, THEY FUCKING DON'T SO DON'T GIVE ME CRAP FOR THIS OR TELL ME YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX IT!!!!!! DX< cause all I'll hear is YADDA, YADDA, YADDA~! >_< Same SHIT ALREADY SAID different PERSON! D< All I want to hear is peoples positive thoughts and experiences on the matter. I don't need negative words! Because it will not help! And I have tried medication but they do not work for me and do the opposite affects and makes me worse. I have tried a lot of meds for it not working and I think I am fine without them sense I am obviously coping and know how to deal with my depression! >_< Now about me... I have been born with depression. I am diagnosed with the major and severe depression as well as manic depression (also known as bi-polar disorder). I also have a personality disorder and anxiety attacks and occasionally panic attacks. I also have suicidal thoughts and attempts constantly! Yep... I'm crazy... -__-; I was a cutter but have been free from it for almost 3 years now. It's hard not to cut, it's an addictive bad habit, I could explain it as like an addictive drug. My cutting habits started in 9th grade I believe and went from there until I stopped cutting. I did NOT do it for attention! This is what pisses me off! Many people think that just cause your a cutter, you do it for attention! THAT'S BULLSHIT! People who suffer from depression do not not cut to get attention, actually, they hide their cuts out of shame and they cut only to relieve the pain inside! People who do cut for attention are called EMOS! DX< and because of them, they are the reason that other people who pass this bad judgment on the people who really do cut and have a mental problem and cut to help them cope with life, would assume and accuse that they cut for attention! So don't jump to conclusions and judge the people who have depression that cut do it for attention; cause it ain't fucking true! Another thing that pisses me off is that when people who have depression, no one is around to want to help you! Most people who find out will leave the person alone thinking them as some plague and won't be there to support and help or even take the time to understand! YOU DON'T DO THAT! When a person is suffering from depression, that person needs you to be there for them and to be supportive of them! Leaving them will make the person who is depressed more miserable and hate themselves even more, they already think no one cares or loves them and that they are a waste of space and air in this world. I had someone come up to me and tell me their reason why people don't want to be around depressed people: "No one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time" his exact words to me and he follows it. Well sorry I'm fucking SAD all the TIME! Depressed people can't HELP IT! DX< If we could, we wouldn't be SAD now would we!? It's not like theres a switch where we can just turn 'on' and 'off' on our emotions whenever we feel like it! Then depression wouldn't exist! Hell, I would give ANYTHING to not suffer from depression! >_< My family...ugh.... my family.... -__- My family wasn't there for me. My father was, cause he suffers from depression, but it's a mild disorder, I got the worse one which he actually tried to understand and help. As well as some few friends who actually stayed by me and help me through it. I can't believe my father and my few friends actually stayed and dealed with my shit, I had a hard time believing anyone actually cared about me cause I didn't get this at all when I was living with my mother, sister, and step father. My evil cousin Heather said that she understood why no one wanted to be around me because she wouldn't want to either! Just cause she had a bout of depression, and I'm telling you, she really thinks she knows what I went through just cause she had a bout with depression. And then one day, she wakes up and doesn't have it anymore, she knows from "experience" that she understands what I went through and understands why no one wanted to be around me or even be my friend. I should have punched her for saying that but I didn't cause I'm patient with people and I am nice... DAMN BITCH! The thing is, I didn't have anyone really there for me that took the time to get me better and be there by my side all the way, until I met my lover who I am now married to. His name is Tom. Tom would never say negative things around me, knowing it wouldn't help... actually, he screams positivity that it would make me uncomfortable and squirm. He's made up of positive energy! He used to suffer from depression, have bad anxiety attacks to panic attacks, and was a cutter, but that all stopped once he figured out how to get out of it and live normally. He's trying to teach me and get me to attain that. He is also the reason why I stopped cutting in the first place. If it wasn't for him... I don't think I would be here right now. He is the reason why I am still going... still moving onward and live, I do it all for him, anything to make him happy! I know that if I died, he would be heart broken (he tells me this) and he loves me so much that he knows, if that would make me happy, if dying would make me happy, he would let me die only to make me happy; he loves me that much. But I don't do it, cause I want him to be happy, and having me around makes him happy. He knows how hard it is to live on feeling like this... feeling lost and alone and sad all the time. Feeling depressed and having anxieties and having a hard time doing anything! I mean... depression is like... being in the darkness and searching for that one light to shine out brightly for you to see and to desperately grasp hold of. I don't know how else to explain it... My past... my childhood was nothing but sadness and pain. It was torture just living. I dreaded the next day to come, I feared it! I can't go into detail on how I became the way I am. It has to do with how I was raised and treated. Most of my memories are nothing but bad memories. Memories of being in and out of the psych ward, restraints, being treated like some animal and no one understanding me. Abused physically and mentally by a lot of people including my family. Hating myself and hurting. Such despair... And yet I kept going... Hoping... hoping it would all go away someday. And that I would truly be happy for once and feel love. True love that I never got from anyone when I grew up. And I got it, I found it! Tom... I thought it would never happen to me... but thankfully it did. And now I will make new memories... happy ones... with him... ....There is hope.... If anyone is going through depression or is a cutter, trust me, you will get through it. I am still getting through it, one step at a time, taking it one day at a time... I didn't believe it, but now, having such a blessing and a gift to have Tom made it worth it for having kept going, kept living, kept having faith. The only way to get better from depression and cutting is that YOU want to. No one can do it for you, YOU have to make the decision and the mind set that you want to get through it and get better. And anyone who knows someone who is going through depression and is a cutter, YOU need to be there for them, YOU need to help and support them because that person needs it, needs you there by their side and get them better. A strong person is one who has overcome or tries to overcome and face their fears and their obstacles and survives it. I am told that I am a strong person than most people because of what I am going through, but it's different for everyone I think. I know I am a strong person and brave enough to see through this without giving up! I won't let anyone tell me different and neither should any of you who are going through this! If no one is sure on what the signs are or what causes it and wants to know more about depression, then go to this link: Depression Information Well... that's my thought on this matter, sorry for ranting, I just thought I inform people on this matter. I want to know what people think on this and I'm open to discuss this and answer any questions. I may still be lost in the darkness, but at least I am trying to find my way out of it and help people on the way who are in this with me too. Do not judge me because I do not judge you. ...Now... I think I'm going to go cry... this whole thing made me emotional, it's a touchy subject for me... I hope people understand where I am coming from... -__- ...Sorry for troubling you guys with my problems... This is me and my lover Tom in Chicago at a Blue Man Group New Years show. Aren't we a handsome couple~! X3 I'm on the left doing the asian thing we asians do, the peace sign while taking a photo XD; and Tom is on the right. In case you guys are curious to know what Tom and I look like lol sorry the picture is so small... X3;

I'M IN! >D I'll be the leader of this spanking club! I will start a club in a post and anyone can be in it and say what they have done bad for a spanking! And the person who has read the other's bad deeds can punish them accordingly for any amount of spanking they see fit as punishment! Hows that!? If anyone agrees I will go and start the topic for the Spanking Club! >D muahahahahahahaha!

...Well uhm... what if your already married? I mean, if your married, doesn't that mean you have found your ideal mate!? :3

I agree with you on that.But I don't see harmless flirting cheating, as long as you don't go deep into it and end up being with the other person in a sexual manner that you are flirting with. Also, if you and your lover is fine seeing other people, how is that cheating? If you and your lover end up having sexual relations with another person(s) and are both fine with it, then what could be wrong. Though, I would like to be involved with another person and my lover is right there with me sharing the love, I'm ok with it. But if my lover is not fine with it, than I won't do it, cause that is disrespectful and going out of bounds and I would be cheating then if I refused my lovers wishes and did it anyways behind their back. I don't know, I know that I don't cheat and that I have NEVER had sex with another person sense the day I have been with my lover and is now married to. We are truthful about our feelings and we talk about our sexual needs and wants openly with eachother, which I think helps a relationship and makes it even stronger.

I haven't either... but is willing to do it with you BeccaStar~! ;3 <3 I have never overcame my fears yet -__-

^Banned for not being on when I am! D<

I have a picture of DarkInuLord if your interested PretentiousArtWhore! >D lol XD; jk jk Don't worry DarkInuLord, your picture is safe with me, I won't go around showing it to women who are interested in your type of looks and might rape ya ;3

Yeah... you would like that! Vergil is a half demon. He's far more sexier than Inu-Yasha or Sesshoumaru! >D<has a pic of Vergil as their pic And sense I seem to look like him... I guess... I could strip for you~! ;3

O.O OMG I'M ALL OF THOSE! >_<;Well... I'm part asian, korean actually. ^^; And I have the chinese/korean/japanese character Ai (love) tattooed in a crimson red color on my chest in the middle where my heart is. (suppose to remind me to love myself sense I have such low self-esteem) >.<; AI I have both my ears pierced, 3 piercings on my right ear and 2 on my left and I'm 5'4 1/2" feet tall -__-; I'm BI ;3

FOAMY IS AWESOME! XD Have you seen the fatkins diet one? cause its my favorite! X3 FATKINS DIET!

Circus Maximus in my pants